* Chapter 24 *

The call to arms was never true
Time to imbibe, here's to you
I'll tell you stories, bruised and blue

- Placebo: Follow the cops back home -

Akiya stared at the paper scroll in her hands, feeling a cold shiver spreading over her body and bit her lips, trying to swallow the sentiment of dread coming over her.

"That is –"

"Yes," Tsunade said softly. She sounded sympathetic and even kind of sad, and Akiya could hear a strain of anger in her voice as well, and then she knew where this mission had come from and who had insisted that she would be the one to do it. "Do you accept the mission?"

Akiya snorted and laughed sharply. "Tsunade-sama, you know just as well as I do that I am in no position to decline. No one is allowed to refuse a mission like that one." She was unable to hide the bitterness in her voice, even though she knew that her anger was directed to the wrong person.

"It isn't officially classified as a –"

"But you know it is," Akiya interrupted the blonde flatly.

"I am sorry."

The Hokage meant her words, but that didn't make it any better. Akiya strode out of Tsunade's office silently, not acknowledging her words, not biding her farewell. She just couldn't get herself to do it. Three months ago the mission wouldn't have shocked her like this, she guessed. She hadn't cared about her own life that much back then, because she hadn't had something to live for the way she had now.

She was eighteen years old.

With a chance of ninety-five percent, she would not survive the next week.

"I am sorry" didn't seem to be the right words to say to someone who was sentenced to death. They weren't enough. But then again, what could Tsunade have said?

Akiya swallowed thickly and leaned against the cool stone wall when she felt her knees begin to wobble and sway. How would she tell Genma? How would she tell Kakashi?

How would she tell Sasuke?

Akiya closed her eyes. The darkness wasn't half as comforting as it used to be. She couldn't do it. She couldn't do it. She couldn't –

But she had to.

A few minutes later she was standing in front of her and Kakashi's flat. She hadn't even realised she had been walking here. Her entire body felt numb, hollow. The prospect of dying on a mission, she found, was easier to take when it wasn't that certain. Shinobi could die on every mission, and her missions, being a spy, had always been especially dangerous. But until now, Akiya had never been told before that it was basically impossible to survive. She had always known that, if she gave her best and didn't make any mistakes, she would be able to handle the situation. This time, it was different.

Akiya went straight into the bedroom and began to pack her things. Kakashi wasn't there, probably visiting the memorial stone, and for a few seconds she thought it would maybe be the best to leave without saying goodbye, because she didn't know whether she would be able to do it.

She was just about to pull her ANBU-mask into place and leave when she heard the front door open and froze. Akiya turned around to face Kakashi wordlessly, and she knew he could see it on her face. His eyes widened in shock, pain and desperation.

"No," he whispered, but he knew just as well as she did that there was no going back.

Akiya was glad he didn't cry as he pulled her into her arms, because she had to fight the moisture rising into her eyes already, and she didn't know whether she would have been able to go had she seen his carefully composed mask break down. She knew he was broken, but that way she could at least pretend she wasn't the reason for his pain.

They stood like this for what seemed an eternity, and yet it was still too short. How much time do you need to say goodbye? How many goodbyes can a single person survive?

"I love you," Akiya whispered, her face buried in his chest, hoping it would give him the strength to go on.

"I love you," Kakashi replied simply.

It was a silent goodbye - there was nothing more to be said. He was reluctant to let her go, but Akiya softly separated herself from him, grabbed her supplies and strode towards the door, trying to ignore his feelings and thoughts that were basically screaming at her not to go. Even without using her kekkei genkai, she knew what he was thinking.

"Try to come back," Kakashi's voice sounded behind her as she opened the door, and Akiya paused to turn around once more, throwing him a weak smile.

"I always do."

Yes, she thought, she would try. She shouldn't just accept it like that. She would fight and she would not die, not now, not like that.

But first, she had something else to do.

As soon as Akiya had left the city walls behind and was within the shelter of the trees which were hiding her from curious looks, she bit her finger just enough to draw blood and slammed it onto the ground. Instantly, Jiyuu appeared in front of her.

"Did you find him?" she asked, hoping with every fibre of her body that the answer would be yes.

Jiyuu nodded. "Yes. I sent Keisho to him to inform him that you are looking for him."

"Can you take me there?"

Jiyuu nodded again. "Sit on my back, Akiya-san, and hold on tight."

And then Jiyuu flapped his giant wings and rose elegantly into the air, carrying her to a place far, far away.

This time, Akiya was the first to arrive. Jiyuu had dropped her off at this place almost half an hour ago, and since then she had been standing at a nearby cliff, staring into the width of the area surrounding her. It was a beautiful day – the sun was shining brightly, warming her skin gently while a soft breeze made the leaves rustle, and the sky was a clear and perfect blue. Akiya felt as if fate was mocking her. At a day like this, it should have been raining.

She turned around when she felt a familiar chakra signature behind her, but her smile died on her lips before it had even begun. One look at his face was enough to tell her that although he lived, something was terribly wrong.

It wasn't that his body was still wrapped with bandages, silent witnesses of a dangerous and hard fight. It was the endless and unendurable pain in his eyes that came from deep inside of him that made her heart stop and ache as if a knife had been stabbed through it. Sasuke looked at her and then Akiya knew. Pictures filled her mind of the massacre ten years ago, of the fight with Itachi, of the terrible truth he had gotten to know only after fighting his brother. For the first time Akiya realised just how much Sasuke had loved Itachi. It was no wonder he had pushed everyone away for so long. Slowly, Akiya walked to him and wrapped her arms around his body, trying to give him what little comfort she could offer.

And then Sasuke crumbled.

His whole body was shaking as they sunk to the ground, holding each other close, while he was crying wordlessly against her shoulder. Akiya, too, felt a silent tear running down her cheek, not only because she shared his pain, but also because she knew she couldn't ease it. All she could give him now was her company, and she wasn't sure whether this would be enough.

The sun was already sinking lower when Sasuke finally ran out of tears. Akiya had to admit she was surprised that he had shown her his weakness, because even in front of her, he had always wanted to be strong. He had never opened up to her so completely, letting her see all of his memories, everything that was inside of him. It made her wonder just how much pain a single person could endure.

It was Sasuke who finally broke the silence. "I still cannot believe it," he murmured. "I spent half of my life hating Itachi, trying to hunt him down and kill him, only to find out now that it is too late that all he ever did was to protect me." He closed his eyes. "I don't know what to do. I don't even know what to think anymore."

Akiya gently kissed his forehead. "You should sleep a while – your body needs the rest to recover. I'll be waiting here."

Surprisingly enough Sasuke followed her advice without a single contradiction, and despite everything that had happened fell asleep within a few minutes, proving just how exhausted he was, both physically and emotionally. Akiya sat by his side, watching him sleep, and tried to digest what had been revealed to her.

She had heard people talk about Uchiha Itachi, of course. Who had not heard about him and the Uchiha massacre? Every time he had been portrayed as a monster who had slaughtered his entire clan just to test his ability, and not few people thought he had been completely crazy. Kakashi had been the only one to paint a slightly different picture of a young, serious and composed man who always knew exactly what he did; what, of course, didn't make him any less dangerous – quite the contrary. It didn't seem to fit together, the stories and Sasuke's early memories of a loving and caring brother. Now she knew the truth. He had been ordered by the village elders to kill his clan. Being a ruthless murderer had been the role he had played so many years, but he had not acted or lied about how much he loved his younger brother. He had sacrificed everything for his brother, his family, his best friend, even his own life.

Akiya felt as if she owed him more than she could ever pay back.

When Sasuke awoke a couple of hours later, he had regained his composure. "Where are you headed?" he asked matter-of-factly when his eyes fell upon her gear.

"Iwagakure. I have a mission."

She tried to sound equally matter-of-factly and unconcerned, but there was something in her voice that betrayed her, she could see it in Sasuke's sharp look. To her luck, he decided not to ask. She wouldn't have been able to tell him how dangerous the mission was exactly right now, so she changed the topic.

"Here," she said, pulling the summoning scroll out of her pouch. "You will need a summon. I talked to Jiyuu, he agreed with this. It cannot hurt to have two people being able to summon the hawks."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow but signed the contract. He wanted to hand the scroll back to her, but Akiya shook her head. "You keep it. I would never take this with me on a mission, it is too risky – it might fall into wrong hands."

"Your mission is dangerous." It was a statement, not a question.

"When is it not?" Akiya attempted a small smile. "What will you do now?" she asked quietly. "Have you thought about that?"

"Yes." Sasuke's voice was firm, his face set. "I will seek out Danzo and the elders."

Akiya felt a hard knot form in her stomach, making her feel uncomfortable. "You want to kill them."

"Yes."

She swallowed, hard. "Sasuke..." Akiya began hesitantly. "Do you think Itachi would have wanted that? That you still nourish the hate inside of you and let your whole life be guided by it?" She shook her head slowly. "I don't think so."

"You don't know my brother."

"That is true," Akiya admitted. "But you know just as well as I do that I am right nevertheless."

Anger flashed in his eyes. "Are you questioning my decision?" Sasuke asked sharply. His voice was strained as he tried to suppress his ire, and failed. "Because if you are, then let me tell you that you have no right to do so."

"Don't I?" Akiya wanted to ask, trying to ignore how much it hurt to hear these words fall from his mouth. She had every right to question his decision; after all she was his girlfriend, even if the term didn't really apply for them, because they didn't have a normal relationship. But she kept quiet – they weren't talking about their relationship right now, and Akiya knew that it would only make everything worse. She also knew that he was pushing her away right now because he was afraid of commitment, and of losing another person close to him. It had been the reason for him shutting himself away from other people ever since the massacre. After a loss like the one he had just experienced, she assumed, it was only natural that he tried to find a way out of this, away from her, to save himself from future pain. It wasn't that she didn't understand.

But it still hurt.

For the first time, Akiya found herself at a loss of words. "Sasuke, I just want to-"

"What?" he interrupted her sharply. "To come back to Konoha and pretend everything is fine?"

"I promised to never ask you to return."

"But you are doing it right now." His voice had lost some of the sharpness, but it was still cold and distant. "Although you know I cannot do it. I can't, Akiya. I cannot pretend nothing has happened. I am an avenger. Don't try to change what I am and who I am, because it's a fight you are going to lose."

Akiya inhaled deeply. Her body was trembling slightly, she realised belatedly, from fear and emotional stress. It was as if she could feel him slipping away, out of her hands, to a place where her words couldn't reach him, as if she was losing him in this very moment. Although he was standing so close to her, he was so far away. Akiya realised that she couldn't say anything to change his mind, and for the first time she feared her love might not be enough to safe him.

Akiya closed her eyes. "Sasuke," she said quietly. "You know I cannot and will not hold you back. It is not like they don't deserve to die for everything they have done. But you have to realise you cannot go on like this forever," she continued, opening her eyes again to look at his face. "One day, you will have to stop. And then you will see that revenge doesn't bring them back."

Sasuke's face darkened and something in his expression shifted, making him look even more distant and cold and angry. "I thought you understood," he almost shouted, sounding as if he had been betrayed. In a way, he probably had been. "I thought you felt the same."

"I did – I do!" Akiya desperately tried to explain. "Of course I understand. I wanted revenge just as much as you do. But then I met you, and – and everything changed. My priorities aren't the same anymore, also because I realised that whatever I do, it won't make my family alive again. "

"I know that," he replied, strained. "What are you even trying to tell me?"

"I am trying to tell you that you should at least consider the possibility that revenge won't make anyone happy. Not you, and not me," she whispered, not being aware that she used almost exactly the words Sakura had said to him the night he left Konoha. "I am trying to tell you that maybe you should begin to care about the living more than the dead."

Sasuke didn't reply but kept staring at her with an unreadable expression on his face, and Akiya knew it was no use. He would not listen to what she said. Suppressing the tears that were threatening to rise into her eyes she grabbed her ninja gear and her coat before turning around to him one last time.

"I love you," she said quietly into the hollow silence that filled the air. She knew it wasn't the right moment to tell him that, to really speak the words out loud, but she also knew it was very likely her last chance to ever say it. "Don't ever forget it. I want you to live. I want you to be happy. And regardless what will happen, this will never change. I will always be waiting for you – somewhere."

Akiya left without giving him the chance to reply, because she didn't think she would have been able to stand the pain his answer might have caused.