Part 25: Point of No Return

I knew dat my body was racing, driven by adrenaline to speeds normally beyond my reach, but I felt like I was moving in slow motion.

My t'oughts were a voiceless scream, a chaos o' memories and panic. De world took on a shifting red hue, like firelight cast onto de walls, like hell creeping out into my reality. I was vaguely aware dat de crimson light was coming from me, from my eyes. I couldn't care.

De rush had me gasping fo' air, even though I hadn't run far. My pulse thundering in my ears was de only sound I was aware of as de pressure o' my blood pumping thickly through my veins became painful. De lines in the hallway wavered like a mirage.

I t'ought I had forgotten how to feel dis way. I had been running from dis moment dat defines who I am fo' so long I had foolishly believed it was too far behind me to ever catch up. Here I was again, doing de only t'ing I knew to do.

You can never run away from yo'self. I knew dis, but I couldn' stop myself from trying, from pushing my legs faster. I was fifteen again, leaving bloody footprints on the stone floor o' de Morlock camp. I was seventeen, running through de woods o' de bayou as though I could escape de death stare o' my cousin, Etienne, de image dat danced behind my eyes every time I closed dem. I was twenty and Belle's hysterical shrieks haunted my steps as I fled from her, from Julien, from my life, from myself. All dese t'ings I had run from: I had never succeeded at putting one step o' distance between us. Dey chased me from inside, part o' me.

De door was an unacceptable barrier and delay to my possessed flight. I slung a card ahead o' me, blasting it in. De explosion must have been loud: de floor shook. I didn' hear it. De smoke cringed away from me as I moved through it like wind.

I flew through my dresser, stuffing letters from Henri into my pockets along wit' a pack a cigarettes and a deck o' playing cards. My jacket was still lying across de bed, and I slung it up and around my shoulders. I flew to de closet next, yankin' de door so hard it broke free o' one o' de hinges. I would leave most o' my belongings. I'd acquire new ones. I needed to travel light and fast.

A hand touched my shoulder. I jumped out o' my skin, turnin' in one movement to knock de intruder away from me. I grabbed de chair from de desk, charging it fully and turning to face my assailant.

Her green eyes grew wide as she took me in. Fo' a moment, I had no idea who I was looking at, and I didn' care. I snarled like a cornered animal. After all, I was one.

"Remy."

Her voice wasn't nearly as alarmed as her face was. Merde.

De window was open, and I lobbed de chair through it. I had no hope o' recalling de charge, frantic as I was. It exploded in mid-air and only dust drifted down to de ground.

De urge to run made it nearly impossible to stop. Holding here in deliberation made my muscles twitch impatiently and my panic heighten. Why couldn't I keep moving? What had halted my escape?

Dis girl. Dis girl had to be removed. I had no choice. I had to go.

"Get out o'here! Get out Rogue!"

Her eyes grew wider, and she flinched at the volume o' my voice.

I took two hasty steps toward her, leaning. "Are you deaf? I tol' you to leave!"

She leaned away from me, but made no move to follow my orders. I couldn' worry about her anymore.

"Fine! Stand dere! But stay out o' my way!"

My attention left her and went back to de closet. I had to have my staff. None o' de clothes could come. De cash out o' de lock box. Time was running out.

Her voice came again. "Remy."

I ignored her. Where was my cell phone? Could I leave it? No, I couldn' risk anyone taking my calls. Too much information at stake. I rummaged through de pockets o' my jackets and pants.

Under my nose de whole time! Dere were hundreds o' t'ousands o' places de Morlocks could have been. Why did it have to be New York? Why my new home? Where was my head, t'inking dat I ever had a chance anywhere?

"Remy, what are you doin?"

Her voice kept interrupting my t'oughts. I answered. "What does it look like? Put two and two togeddah! I don' have time to spell it out!"

I started shoving my t'ings into a much abused rucksack. My hands fumbled in deir haste, and I dropped somet'ing, stumbling to pick it up wit' a curse.

"Yoah leavin'?" Her voice was barely a whisper.

I shouted, perturbed and struggling to keep my mind away from her. "Yes! And in case you haven't figured it out yet, I don' have time to answer a hundred stupid questions!"

I continued to ransack de room dat had been mine dese many months. I would not t'ink o' dis girl. I would not.

"What do ah need to bring?"

My eyes jumped over to her face. She had squared her jaw off determinedly, her fists clenched at her sides. My teeth ground togeddah painfully.

She was dead. Sure as she stood befo' me. Dat's what I didn' want to see: de death written all over her face like a mask dat was only visible to me. As long as I was here, death was gon' stalk her steps. It was clear now: she was de price fo' all my wrongdoing.

Irene had said Antarctica, but in my heart I knew dat it wasn't de setting, it was me. Even if I stayed behind, it would only delay what was destined to happen. I was death, and it was de only gift I had to offer. Did I imagine fo' one second dat it would ever change? Dat I would have any more choice in her end dan in all de uddahs? My choice was not de weapon, de only t'ing necessary to create tragedy was my presence.

If Rogue's life was de price o' escaping my demons, it was too high. I would carry dem, de memories, de pain, de guilt, de evil…I would run and run and never stop…if it meant she would stay safe.

De noose was drawing tight around her neck, my past almost tangible. Every second I lingered was one less she had to live. I had to leave. I had to go now.

"You are not coming. You are staying here, where you belong."

She drew a ragged breath. "Ah'm not gonna let you face this by yoahself. You can't make me stay."

I stalked over to her, glaring down. "You will not be able to keep track of me. Yo' not fast enough. So go wherever you like, but you WILL NOT come wit' me."

I tried to move around her. She stepped in my path. My threatening glower was not a bluff. I would make her stay if I had to.

"When are you comin' back?"

I grabbed her shoulders and pushed her away from me roughly. "Did I say I was coming back?"

She drew in a sharp breath and held it. "Ah don't understand. What are you sayin'?"

I called on my t'ief. He would have de strength and intelligence to get dis done wit' de way it needed to be done. De part o' me dat was real was too shattered to be trusted.

"Not very quick tonight are you? Don't worry, you'll figure it out eventually."

I stalked past her, but she grabbed my coat lapels and dragged me back into de room.

I twisted free o' her grip, and yelled at her wit'out mercy, "Don' touch me!!"

She recoiled, like I knew she would. I rejected the compulsion to take it back, to take her and make it all right. I forced a pitiless smirk onto my face.

"Still such a fragile girl? You know one o' dese days you really should grow out o' dat. Dis should feel perfectly normal by now."

She started taking quick, shaky breaths, opening her mouth twice to speak and failing.

Finally, she managed to give sound to her t'oughts. "Yoah….leaving…..me?"

Don't break. Don't break Remy. Do de right t'ing. Do it jus' dis once. "Dere's no need to be so dramatic. Act like a normal woman and conserve yo' dignity. Let's jus' say 'it was fun while it lasted.' I was hoping to play our little game longer, but unfortunately I got mo' important t'ings to do, an' I can' put dem off any longer."

Her face grew so pale I t'ought fo' a moment she might be sick. Her shoulders hunched forward, as though her frame had jus' lost de strength to hold her up. My breath faltered, but I forced my face to conceal me.

"Wh-what did ah do? Please, just tell me what ah did?"

I swallowed hard and hoped she didn' see. "Don' you see? You did everyt'ing you could. It wasn' enough."

Please let me go, Rogue. Please don' make me say it.

"That's not true. Ah haven't done everythin'. Not yet. But ah can…ah will. Ah can do better. Ah can be what you need me to be, just tell me what it is."

I punched de wall, hoping de throb o' my knuckles would keep me focused. "Let me rephrase den: you aren't enough. Yo' not what I wan'. I t'ought you were, but as we got closer I had my doubts. Tonight sealed it. If what I felt fo' you was real, it wouldn' be easy to leave. But it is. I only do what I want, what makes me happy. Leaving is what I wan' to do now. Sorry."

Her face contorted in disbelief and pain, her arms wrapping around her torso. I turned and stalked out o' de room, begging my legs to be fast enough to get me out befo' it came crashing down on me

I had nearly made it to de stairs when she soared over my head and planted her feet in front o' me, blocking my path. Her face was defiant an' angry.

"Ah don't believe you. This has nothin' to do with me, with us. This is somethin' else. You WILL tell me what is goin' on."

Her face was holding all her strength. Her hands were shaking, and I could see it. I shoved her out o' de way and continued toward de garage. Run, run!

People were watching us, but dey didn' dare intervene. De monster mus' have been showing on my face. I was barely aware o' dem, too distracted by de shadow I knew was still following me.

I felt like someone was tearing a hole through me. She was de one. De one in a million. De one who should not have existed, not fo' me. If I didn' know it befo' I knew it now, now when I had to put de separation between us forever. Now when I had to shut her out and do de very t'ing dat I had never meant to: hurt her.

Hurt was a temporary word, I reminded myself. Hurt was somet'ing dat healed. Death was permanent. Dere was no choice. I would do what I had to do.

I was morbidly t'ankful to Irene. My coldness over de past few days would help me substantiate my ludicrous claims dat I didn' care. I was t'ankful to de Morlocks, fo' giving me dat final shred o' evidence, dat final push dat I needed to protect Rogue, even though I was terrified o' being wit'out her.

Dese would be my last memories wit' her, watchin' her pain. Fin'ly I was t'ankful fo' Rogue's shell, de one I had so viciously assaulted every day since I'd first met her. Her pride and reserve would make dis easier on me. She would try to hide as much from me as she could. I hoped it would be enough. I had to get away from dis place. I had to be able to leave her. De Morlocks already had my fam'ly pocketed, I couldn' let dem use me against her, too. I had no more pretenses left to offer.

She was following me, calling my name. I ignored her. I knew what needed to be done, but I knew I was only human. I could only take so much o' her asking me to do de very t'ing I wanted mos' in de world.

De garage smelled like smoke and gasoline. I went over to de bike, tossing my rucksack into de luggage compartment befo' heading over to de rack to find de keys.

She grabbed my wrist. I turned toward her grimacing. She would t'ink it was anger, even though it wasn'.

Her white face was wit'out even a trace o' guise. It was completely open and impossible to misinterpret. Her eyes were de most unbelievable shade o' green. How could anyone be so beautiful? It wasn't fair.

I forced my voice to be hard. "Let go o' me, Rogue."

She shook her head quickly, desperately. "Ah can't."

Her voice broke. No. Please no.

Her eyes filled and de tears spilled over, running down her cheeks in agonizing torrents. In all dis time, I had never seen de girl cry. I had watched her be tortured by Sinister. I had watched her stand up to de team when dey hated her, distrusted her. I had watched her confront de mother who had never loved her. I had seen de pain dance perilously close to de surface, but she had always choked it back through sheer force o' will. She kept it to herself, shoved it down an' held it dere. Why wasn' she doing dat now?

Her body shook wit' de force o' her sobs, and her face was unbearable to me. She was choking, trying to draw breaths but her lungs wouldn' cooperate. Her face grew red as de violent pain thrashed its way out o' her eyes. It was hard to undahstand her words as dey tumbled broken from her lips.

"Please don't go. Oh, god, please don't do this!"

I froze, unable to move or speak. Her pain cried out to me in a way that was wholly unfamiliar. I couldn' stand it, it had to be stopped, it was intolerable. I would give anyt'ing to make it stop.

But de panic inside me still knew dat I couldn'. I couldn' stop it. I had to make it worse. She had to let go. De compulsions wrestled in me, drawing blood from one annuddah and rooting me to de spot, unable to take action. I t'ought I may split in two.

She kept hold o' my wrist, and grabbed a tight fistful o' my jacket in de uddah. Her tormented eyes bored into me, desperate fo' me to understand her, desperate to make an impact.

"Ya can't go because…ah love you, Remy. Ah love you so much. Whatever's wrong, ah can fix it. Ah have to fix it. Ah need you, and ah can't let you go!"

Her voice broke down again into gasping sobs, and if she said anyt'ing after dat I coudln' make it out. She watched my face, engrossed and desperate to see some response. I felt like I was made o'stone. She was standing so close to me, familiar, beautiful, and everyt'ing I ever wanted. Her tears glittered cruelly against her cheeks, like ice. Her hands, her lips…her whole body was trembling. I could not move.

My legs still commanded me to run, demanded that I go while dere was time to escape. My hands begged me to touch her, to reach out and pull her closer, to greedily devour everyt'ing about her. My heart…my heart was broken. It knew dat it would never beat wit'out her, and reminded me dat whatever I chose, I would lose her. Dere was no way to be selfish. My mind was drowned out in de maelstrom, silent against de crashing waves.

She loved me.

But how could she? I had never tol' her who I was. I had never intended to. Could she love somet'ing she couldn' undahstand?

"She'd leave if she knew…you know she'd leave if she knew." My mind repeated its mantra in a hollow and merciless tone. If I could leave me behind, I who knew de whole truth, I would. In a heartbeat.

She was still watching me, and I still couldn' move. We were rooted dere, to dat moment, and everyt'ing balanced on de edge o' a knife. I was dat knife. I was left to me to make a decision, and I jus' couldn'. I knew dat it was right protect her, but de anguish in her eyes…how could dat be right?

She loved me. I loved her more, but how could I prove it? If not to her, to myself?

She took my silence as indifference. Defeat came over her face, crushing what little light was left. Maybe she would leave now. Maybe if she left, dis decision would be easier to make. Maybe de right t'ing would become obvious again, like it had been befo' de tears…befo' I knew she loved me.

She let go o' me. De sobs came all de harder, as she backed slowly away from me, step by step. I was gone, she was sure o' it. De agony o' dat knowledge was plain, but she refused to look away. She knew it was de last time she would see me, and she didn' wan' it to be over.

Her feet betrayed her. She stumbled on the step up to the door, and fell wit' a thud on the stoop. She made no move to get up, pulling her knees up to her chest an' bowing her head into dem, hiding from me at last.

"Just go. Just go."

I watched her. I felt like I was slowly burning to death, but dere was no way fo' me to move out o' de fire. How could I live wit' dis as de final picture o' de woman who had claimed so much o' me? Hadn't I been de one fighting fo' her heart? And now dat I had it, I had chewed it up and spit it out like it was not'ing more dan a worthless toy. I could go now. I knew she wouldn' follow me. But I couldn' move.

Suddenly, a voice I did not expect rang through de storm raging inside me.

"If you do to her what you've done to all the other girls…it will destroy her."

It was Logan's voice, Logan's words. Dese were de words he had used to bring all my carefully placed deceptions crashing down around me. At de time it made me feel dere was a wall between me an' Rogue dat would always separate us. It made me t'ink dat we were never meant to be togeddah, dat we were all wrong.

Standing in de elevator wit' Logan and de naked truth o' my unworthiness, I had said de only t'ing I could t'ink to say.

"I can' be wit'out her."

My mind had recoiled against de only solution I had been able to t'ink of at de time: leaving her alone. De t'ought o' living wit'out her smile, her voice, her touch…living wit'out her was somet'ing I refused to consider. De pain had been too great.

As I stood here, watching her shoulders shake, I was certain dat de very pain I hadn't been able to bear was de pain racking her body now. If I stayed, I would kill her. If I left, I would destroy her. Which was worse?

Maybe if I had done de right t'ing when Logan made me t'ink o' it, t'ings would be diff'rent. Maybe if Irene had come sooner, or de Morlocks had found me in New Orleans. A thousand uddah alternate destinies, each mo' likely dan de one I was caught up in now, would have drawn us apart befo' it had come to dis. Befo' she had loved me. But dey had failed, and we were here now. De pain I had spared myself, de pain I had never even t'ought of concretely was de pain I was passing on to Rogue now.

I could not t'ink o' right and wrong, should and shouldn'. It became very quickly a matter o' can and can't.

I couldn't leave her like dis. It was not possible.

I dove to her, pulling her into my arms.

"I'm sorry, Rogue, I'm sorry. Shhh."

She kept crying, unable to stop, but she threw her arms around me, holding so tight it hurt. I kissed her hair, an' de vision o' her blurred befo' my eyes. I realized wit' very little surprise dat dere were tears in dem.

"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I won' leave you." De words were bitter in my mouth, but dey were true.

Her face was buried in de neck o' my jacket, her hands tightly bound in de fabric. I stroked her back, trying to soothe her. I pulled her into my lap, and inside my jacket wit' me. I knew it wasn' cold dat caused her to shake, but it was all I knew to do to help her stop. And I wanted her as close to me as she could possibly be. Moments ago dis was an impossibility. I hadn' left, but I still felt like I had lost her, and now she was back.

She was here in my arms, and I was complete. She was everyt'ing in me dat was good, dat was worth saving, but she couldn' erase everyt'ing about me dat was none o' dose t'ings. De pain and panic and dread remained, charging through my system like poison, tainting what joy I could find in our reunion.

What was I gon' do? I couldn' leave her, and I couldn' tell her de truth. De Morlocks were here. Irene said dat I would cause Rogue's death, like I had caused so many uddahs.

She was trying to stop, I could hear it, but she wasn' having much luck. I realized vaguely dat we were well wit'in hearing range. De garage door was wide open. She might not care jus' at de moment, but she'd eventually be ashamed o' having such an extreme moment o' weakness wit' an audience.

"Can I move you?" I whispered gently.

She nodded wit'out showing her face. She had no intention o' letting go of me, so I had no choice. I put one arm behind her knees and de uddah around her shoulders, lifting her. She clung to my neck as I walked us back into de mansion, and did not object.

Some o' de X-men were still out on de lawn, but some had filtered back into de house. I felt de questions waiting behind de stares, but either my face or Rogue's condition kept anyone from speaking to us as I climbed de stairs. I knew what judgment awaited me, but fo' now it would have to wait.

I had blown de door off my room, I remembered. I would take her to her room. I took her and tried to gently place her on de bed, but she still wouldn' let go. I sat wit' her. She had stopped crying, but her breath still came in choking gasps, out o' control. I stroked her hair, waiting.

Finally, I could take her anguished silence no more. "Say somet'ing. Please."

She shook her head no, her face still buried against my shoulder. I whispered urgently but gently, "Parlez moi, s'il vous plait. Dites-moi quoi faire pour le rendre tout droit. Dites-moi comment le rapporter, dites-moi ce que pour être vous avez besoin de moi." (Please talk to me. Tell me what to do to make it all right. Tell me how to take it back, tell me what you need me to be.) My slip back into French was unintentional, but she fin'ly looked up at me.

Her eyes were rimmed with red, swollen. Her face was splotchy, and still she was beautiful. She didn' trust her voice, whispering back, "Why are you here?"

"I won' leave you."

"Why?" she repeated.

"Rogue, I've never said dis befo'. I don' know how to say it right."

She pulled her hands away from my neck and wrapped them around herself, putting distance between us, but she was unwilling to break contact wit' me: she stayed where she was.

"Ah don't want you to stay because you think ah'm too pitiful and pathetic to handle bein' alone again. I lost mahself…that was unfair. Maybe this is some sick form of chivalry. Maybe you'll wait til ah'm asleep and sneak away. No more lies, Remy. Why are you here?"

No mo' lies? What else was left? Wit'out dem, I was jus' a ghost o' a person dat might have been. Why would she wan' dat?

My eyes stared into hers, and I didn' answer. She shut her eyes tightly. "Please tell me the truth. Please just this once. Ah don't know what to do."

"About what?"

She grimaced. "Whether to let mah heart break and start pickin' up pieces as best ah can, or to try and keep it together. Ah don't have the strength to do both, so please tell me why yoah here."

I looked away from her, unable to control my face any longer. "Rogue," my voice was too weak. I took a deep breath and tried again. "Rogue, dere are some t'ings about me dat you don' know. Bad t'ings. Terrible t'ings. De next time you leave dis room, you'll start finding out…who I really am."

She took some deep breaths, finally getting herself back under control. "Is Remy yoah real name?"

I didn' t'ink it was possible, but I couldn' help it. I smiled. "Yes."

"Those people ah met…they're yoah real family?"

"Oui."

"You like coffee, gumbo, live music, and irritatin' me to death?"

I laughed. A miracle. "Yes."

"Then what could ah find out that would make you someone else?"

De mirth evaporated instantly. I couldn' bring myself to say de words. "I…I've done some t'ings…"

"So have ah."

I sighed, feeling a tremor in my chest. I couldn' tell her. I jus' got her back. She watched my expressions carefully.

Her voice was low when she pressed me. "Ah'd like to hear whatever it is from you, Remy."

My throat felt thick. I had never spoken o' dis, not to anyone. How can you put somet'ing like what I had done into words? How can you describe de images I've seen wit' my waking eyes?

"I'm…not good, Rogue. I'm a bad person. I'm bad fo' everyone, but mos' of all, you."

She put one hand against my chest. My words worried her. "I'm not gon' leave you. I promise."

"But you haven't answered my question."

"Non?"

"Why are you here? The truth?"

I touched her hair, wondering if I should say. I didn' know if I could say it and make it mean what I felt. But in de end, wasn' it obvious? What exactly did I t'ink I could hide at dis point, by not saying it? Could I make it less true? Could I save anyt'ing? Would it give me any mo' options, keeping it to myself?

"I'm here…because I'm a bastard. And because I love you, wit' every part o' me I have left to give. I'm sorry."

She ignored dat last part, sighing and slumping against me as though relieved. She wrapped her arms back around my neck, and I held her de way I had always wanted to. One o' her hands wound its way into my hair, pulling me even closer. I didn' resist.

"Stay with me?" She whispered in my ear.

"I tol' you I would."

"No." she pulled away jus' enough to be able to look back into my face. "Stay with me here. Tonight. Ah don't think ah can bear to let you go. Ah'll think ah dreamt it."

The horror was washing out o' my system, and since I couldn' cater to it, I let myself selfishly enjoy de warm joy dat was starting to spread from my chest throughout my body.

"Should I say it again den, to help you remember?"

She smiled jus' a little bit and blushed. "You don't have to. Just stay."

I wound my hands through her hair, holding her gaze captive. "I'll do bot'. I love you, Rogue."

She sighed, happy again, and put her hands on either side o' my face. I closed my eyes contentedly. "Ah love you, Remy. Ah love you so much."

We laid down on de bed, still tangled up togeddah. She felt right in my arms, like she was always supposed to be mine. We stared into each uddahs eyes wordlessly, awaiting de dawn.

I stared all de more urgently: I was dreading it.

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