Sorry about the delay. I always have to have a completed next chapter before I upload the one before and I had a few issues when writing the next chapter.
Thank you for sticking with me and I apologise in advance for the angst and such, but there are a few nice Klaine moments.
ForTheLoveOfDarren: I've missed you! So here is a welcome back! :D xx
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.
Chapter 25: Shame and Embarrassment.
As Kurt was in Blaine's warm embrace his tears continued to flow as he thought about his run in with Karofsky. Very few words had even been said and yet Kurt just lost his temper which was very out of character for him, he just couldn't stand the idea that Karofsky thought of him in that way or any way. It made him sick. But what upset him the most was although Kurt was at McKinley when he saw Karofsky, he'd still followed him into his new life at Dalton and Kurt couldn't help but wonder if the jock would always be there to bring his world down every time he managed to rebuild it.
Kurt was still wrapped in Blaine's arm while he rubbing soothing circles in his back as he continued to tell him everything was going to be okay and how he would always be there for him and that when Kurt was ready to talk, he would be there to listen. Kurt wanted the tears to stop flowing but he didn't know how to get them to stop! He was furious at himself because the tears were still flowing and showed no signs of slowing down any time soon.
It was only now, when Blaine would apply the smallest amount of pressure to his fresh wound that he could feel the pain in his back from where the locker had dug into his skin and the aching in his wrists as be held onto Blaine ever so tightly. He started wondering if his back would scar which brought more tears to his eyes as he would then have 8 ugly marks on his back which would forever be a reminder of the person he wished he could forget. A reminder of how weak he was, and how he was unable to stand up and face his bullies. His sobs grew harder as he clutched onto Blaine's blazer with all the strength he had. Blaine did the same, his arms closing in around Kurt holding him as tightly as possible with out crushing the poor boy. Although Kurt's breathing was impaired due to his sobs and how tightly Blaine held on to him, he felt safe and comfortable. He never wanted to let go.
Maybe half an hour later, Kurt felt like his tears were slowing down so he pulled from Blaine to rub his eyes, noticing for the first time that they were perched on the end of Blaine's bed and his door was now shut. He wasn't sure how they'd gotten here because he hadn't let go of Blaine once and he couldn't even remember moving, a small part of him wanted to ask how they'd gotten there but in the end he decided it was unimportant. He brought his hands to his face, rubbing at his eyes the way a young child does after they've woken up. His eyes were red and puffy as he looked down at Blaine who's eyes were filled with so much worry and concern for his distraught best friend. "Kurt, Sweetie what happened?" he asked in a soft voice just incase talking too loudly could break him. The incentive didn't go unmissed by Kurt, under any other circumstances he would have been jumping with joy but now, for some reason it made him want to cry more.
As minutes past and Kurt still had spoken, Blaine started to shift in his seat and he decided to go a different route of questioning. "Was it Rachel?" he asked his tone light and prodding, Kurt sniffed and brought his hand to his eyes as he shook his head, unsure if could speak without his voice shaking. Blaine nodded once and thought for a little longer, after a few minutes his face turned hard, his voice cold as he spoke, just one name "Karofsky." His voice was full of hatred and pure venom.
Blaine did not expect Kurt's reaction to the name and neither did Kurt. His breath caught in his throat and the tears once again started to flow as he hid his head in his hands. Blaine moved closer to Kurt, pulling him into his chest, soothing him as best as he could in Kurt's current state of mind. After a few minutes Kurt pulled back apologising and wiping at his eyes trying to remove any evidence of the tears that had fallen. He felt weak for crying in front of Blaine and the idea of Blaine seeing him as weak really upset him. He looked at Blaine who was looking at him in awe and sympathy trying to read what was going through his head.
Kurt repeated Blaine, "Karofsky" his voice shaking slightly and he decided to stop there, unsure if he'd manage to get the entire story out with his voice being so weak. He looked at his hands as embarrassment flooded him causing his cheeks to turn a rosy red, although his voice hadn't completely returned he looked at Blaine and whispered "I'm sorry" he clutched at the sleeves of his blazer. He looked at Blaine who looked upset and confused as he placed his hand on top of Kurt's to stop him fidgeting and as a form of comfort. "Sorry? Why are you sorry? You have nothing to be sorry for Kurt" he put his finger under Kurt's chin bringing his gaze back to his face, just like Kurt had done with him this morning. Kurt spoke softly as Blaine raised his head "For being so weak and emotional all the time" he sniffed. It was more of a whisper, Blaine had to really listen to catch the entire sentence. Kurt looked at Blaine who's face had now crumpled over his words. "Kurt, you do't need to apologise, that's who you are." Kurt dropped his eyes to his hands. He was weak and emotional and thats what he would always be, and it crushed him a little bit that Blaine thought he was weak. There was nothing he could do to stop the single tear falling down his cheek. "I don't think you're weak at all. You are such a" he waited until Kurt returned his gaze to Blaine's face "Such a strong person, you have been through so much, and you shouldn't have had to have gone through any of that. You are not weak Kurt, no matter what you think."
Kurt felt like crying again, Blaine thought of him as strong, a faint smile played on his lips as he couldn't stop himself from asking Blaine "You really think so?" Kurt wasn't the type of person to ask for compliments or such, but right now that's all he really needed. To feel special, not like the waste of space that Karofsky had left him feeling. Blaine smiled sadly at him, his eyes taking in the broken boy in front of him "I know so. Your the strongest person I know, Kurt." Kurt smiled at him, his smile more genuine then before. Blaine's hand had returned to it's place on top of Kurt's and when he moved his hand to rub his eyes, thats when the cuff of his Dalton jacket lifted revealing the huge purple/bluey bruise that had formed around his entire wrist. Blaine's breath caught in his throat as he saw it, which made Kurt drop his hand instantly and pull the cuff of his blazer down, trying to hide it from him. Blaine's voice was frightening, it was so cold and hard "Did he do that to you?" Blaine's eyes were on Kurt's covered wrist as he watched Kurt fiddle with the sleeve of his blazer.
Kurt said nothing but put his hands in his lap. Blaine knew now. There was nothing he could do to make Blaine un see that, he came to Blaine for comfort, and he'd gotten it and he wanted to tell Blaine what had happened. Blaine slowly reached out for Kurt's hand his eyes asking Kurt for permission which he gave with a nod of his head. Blaine took Kurt's hand in his and inspected his wrist turning it over to look at the full extent of the damage.
Blaine ran his finger over the bruise on his right hand ever so gently and Kurt winced with the pain that small amount of pressure caused. It was easy to see the outline of Karofsky's hand on his wrists and Kurt felt so embarrassed at the sight of it. Blaine kept hold of his hand as he looked up at Kurt doing as much as he could to hide the venom and anger in his voice. "What happened Kurt?" his voice was a little cold and too demanding for it to be polite but Kurt knew it was nothing personal. He didn't think twice about it. Kurt looked at Blaine, then at their touching hands and the back to his shimmering eyes. "I'd just left the auditorium after talking with Rachel. I was walking down the main corridor," he started to shake as the memory started to reply in his head which caused Blaine to grasp Kurt's hand in both or his while the other remained in his lap. It was his way of comforting him as well as encouraging him to continue.
Kurt tried to send Blaine a small smile but it didn't really show "ironically I was just passing by my old locker" he let out a small humourless laugh "I was just thinking about you and Dalton when I heard him from behind me. Calling out the all to familiar nickname. He didn't really do anything. He grabbed hold of my collar as he made a comment about, about the uniforms" Kurt stumbled over the last few words, his cheeks turned red as he knew he'd have to explain to Blaine what made him lose his temper. He took a breath before continuing in his soft tone, Blaine really had to listen to catch it all. "He, he was looking at me like, like. I don't know. It was like be was undressing me with his eyes and it just disgusted me. I don't want him thinking about me at all Blaine. I don't, He can't. I don't want him to ever think about me. Ever" his voice rose unintentionally but he continued, ignoring it "The idea of thinking about me like that made me sick and I, I just lost it. I pushed him as hard as I could. He wasn't expecting it and he stumbled backwards a good few feet, but it only made him more angry." Kurt looked at his and Blaine's intertwined hands feeling embarrassed and irritated for losing his temper over something he couldn't even prove.
Kurt could feel the tears rolling down his cheeks so he continued looking down, trying to avoid Blaine's gaze while leaving his hand in Blaine's. "He, he lunged at me grabbing both of my wrists." He looked at Blaine, he was terrified, although he was only reliving the memory it scared him more then he would ever want to admit "He was holding on so tight Blaine. My hands started to go numb, I, I couldn't move. He was so strong." The tears were flowing faster now, and Kurt tried to use his free hand to wipe them away but failing miserably. Blaine took one of his hands and brought it to Kurt's facing wiping the tears away with the back of his hand. He sent an encoring smile to Kurt telling him that it was okay to continue, he was safe and that nothing could hurt him now, not even Karofsky. Kurt took a deep breath as he tried to pull himself together. Blaine was right, he was safe here in Blaine's room at Dalton, two hours away from McKinley. He sighed and let his face relaxing into Blaine's hand that was still resting on his cheek. "I tried to move but couldn't and, and he pushed me, he shoved me with brute force into the lockers and I, I hit my back on a metal spike and it really hurt and then he just left me on the floor." Kurt shook his head "he, he just walked away like nothing had even happened! And he, he looked at me like I was trash. Like I was worthless and I, I.." Tears were still falling silently down his cheeks, however they were landing on Blaine's hand rather then his Dalton Blazer.
He took a deep breath, trying to control himself, his breathing was erratic, his eyes red and puffy looked at Blaine's, who's were shimmering and sad, yet still beautiful Kurt noted. "Blaine, for those few seconds while I was on that floor," he sniffed, his voice going weak and his breathing hitched "I agreed with him." Kurt looked at Blaine as he finished. He felt ashamed and weak. Blaine's hand had now moved from his face and was now on top of his hand while his eyes were full or shock as if he couldn't believe what he'd just heard, causing Kurt to look down at his hands ashamed. "You what?" Blaine managed to get out through his disbelief. He continued to stare at his hands as he repeated himself, sniffling every now and again. "While I was down on that flood, I actually thought that he was right. I felt worthless, Like I didn't matter. Like no one would even care if anything ever happened to me." his voice was nothing mere then a whisper, Blaine would have had to have really, really listened to catch every word.
However kurt spoke the truth, that was exactly how he felt when he was on the floor. He didn't feel like that now. He knew he had people in his life who cared about him but right then, at that very moment he felt completely worthless. He looked up at Blaine who looked furious as he stared at the door. He looked like he wanted to go and kill someone and Kurt knew that someone was Karofsky. After a few moments of silence, Blaine's angry gaze remained on the door before he turned to Kurt, his voice hard, yet soft and serious at the same time. "You are not worthless Kurt. You do matter and you have so many people in your life who care about you. Your Dad, Carole. Rachel and all the New Directions. Wes, David, the Warblers" his eyes dropped to his hands before he returned them to Kurt's "and me." Kurt smiled genuinely at him "I know. I know it's not true" his tears had stopped again, so he brought his free hand to wipe at his damp, cold cheeks. "It's just how I felt" he aid shrugging it off, not really want to talk about it anymore. He couldn't believe he'd actually told Blaine that little detail, but he wasn't upset to know he had. He trusted Blaine with anything.
Kurt felt so much better now that he'd spoken to Blaine about it, he was still in a lot of physical pain. His wrists were starting to swell and the small cuts on his back were stinging like hell, he reached his hand around his back to feel the area that stung. He applied the smallest amount of pressure to the skin surrounding it which made him wince and gasp in pain, which brought Blaine out of his thoughts. "Are you okay? Is it your wrists?" he said reaching out for them taking a each of Kurt's hands in his own, Kurt just shook his head "No it's my back but I'll be fine" he said dismissing it like it didn't matter, which irritated Blaine. He was in a lot of pain and he couldn't actually believe how much considering it was only a small cut, Blaine sent Kurt a sad smile before letting go of him and going to the bathroom. He came back seconds later with some antiseptic cream and a cold flannel to place on one of Kurt's wrists. Kurt felt much better now, but the whole run in with Karofsky had upset him and he still felt a little emotional. Blaine was stood in front of him waiting, but Kurt wasn't sure what he was waiting for. He looked up at him confused as he wiped the single tear that escaped him for no reason.
His eyes questioning and confused "what?" he asked Blaine who shook his head. "Kurt you need to put some cream on your back," he said sounding like his dad, the authority in his voice which said he wasn't backing down. Kurt's cheeks flushed red with embarrassment and shame. "I, I can do it." he said although he was lying, he couldn't reach the centre of his back easily but he wasn't going to let Blaine see the scars on his back. No one had every seen them, even his Dad didn't know they existed and he didn't feel like showing the world his most embarrassing feature. Blaine looked at him, not believing him for a second, he tapped his foot impatiently on the ground as his tone turned light and sweet. "Really?" he said teasing Kurt, trying to lighten up the mood slightly. "Then show me." He was trying to put a smile back on his face and Kurt really appreciated the effort no matter how uncomfortable he was currently feeling. Kurt slowly stood up knowing that he was about to prove himself wrong, he turned around his back to Blaine as he reached around to his back, unable to reach the spot that hurt.
He let out a frustrated sigh as he turned to face Blaine "It's fine Blaine. Honestly." Kurt let out a sigh as he realised Blaine was having none of this, he had the same disbelieving look in his eye as he Dad did when he was set on something, however Kurt continued to try and get out of it. "Seriously it doesn't even hurt." He tried to make his voice sound strong but it still hadn't fully recovered from all his tears. "Either take off your shirt and blazer or I will take you down the nurse right now." Blaine said, his voice cocky as he knew Kurt would never allow Blaine to take him to the nurse. The two stared at each other, Kurt trying to stare down Blaine getting him to back down and change his mind but after five minutes Kurt gave up, he turned around so his back was to Blaine and removed his Blazer.
Kurt placed his blazer on Blaine's bed, he undid the first few buttons on his shirt before be started to freak out. He didn't want Blaine to see the scars they were his only weakness. The one thing he despised of himself because each one reminded him of how weak he was. "Blaine.." Kurt started but he was cut off "Kurt, look. I need to make sure they are not infected, the locker cut through your shirt so it must be pretty bad. Now either take off your shirt or I will do it for you." Usually Kurt would have thought he was joking. However his tone was to serious and blunt to be even taken lightly. He was dead serious.
Kurt turned to face Blaine, the first few buttons still undone, his tone serious and pleading but still slightly hard "Look Blaine. I'm not taking my shirt off, I'll be fine. It's nothing I haven't had before." Kurt could feel his cheeks burning with embarrassment. He hated that he had to talk like this to Blaine but he felt way to self conscious to take his shirt off and share his deepest darkest secrets with him. It wasn't that he didn't trust him. It was just that he wasn't ready to share it with anyone. Blaine stepped towards him, determination slipping into his features, in the back of his mind Kurt knew Blaine would get his way but he wasn't giving up with out a fight. "Kurt" Blaine started to say but he was quickly cut off "Blaine I know you're worried about me, but seriously. I'll be fine. It's just a cut" he was dismissing the entire thing and he knew Blaine wouldn't take kindly to his attitude. "Kurt it could be infected, which means it could scar. Do you know how many germs could be in that cut right now?" The thought grossed him out, Blaine was right.
The thought disgusted him and he was irritated at how easily Blaine was winning. Blaine must have seen the resolve in his eyes as he crept closer and continued "The germs could enter your bloodstream and cause serious damage in the future. It was a school locker Kurt, who knows what kind of germs are there.." Blaine's tone was slightly mocking as he knew he was going to win this. Kurt was irritated but also happy at the way their conversation had ended, from being so serious and depressing to mocking. However, Kurt still did not want Blaine to see his back. His eyes dropped and so did his tone "Blaine, I can't take it off.." he let his sentence trial of as he couldn't think of a good enough reason to explain why. Blaine's face dropped and his tone went quiet "Kurt, you don't need to be embarrassed in front of me" he smiled up at the younger boy. "Nothing you could ever say or do or show me could ever effect the way I feel about you." Kurt didn't expect to hear that, his eyes widened in shock as he turned to look at Blaine who's face was so sincere and caring. The two just looked at each other, Kurt wasn't sure what Blaine was thinking but his mind was on overdrive.
.. maybe he's right. I trust him with everything. So why can't I trust him with this? I mean, I know this is so much more embarrassing and personal then anything we've ever discussed but I, I want him to know. I want him to know me for who I am, for the good and the bad. But this is everything I hate, the one thing I am most ashamed off, They are so ugly, what if it just proves to him how weak I really am..
Kurt brushed the thoughts from his mind as he took in Blaine's face. It was full of so much love and kindness and showed how sincere his words really were. He smiled a small yet genuine smile before he nodded once at Blaine and turned around. He stood there for a few seconds thinking about what he was about to do. With a quick swift movement he removed his shirt, placing it on the bed with his jacket waiting for Blaine's remarks to begin. Kurt heard Blaine catch his breath as he took in the unexpected 7 scars on his back as well as a new cut that was more then likely going to scar.
"Ohh Kurt.." Blaine said, his voice sad as he took in the younger boys back. Kurt could feel Blaine's hand floating about his back, not touching, but close enough for him to notice. He let out a sad sigh as he lay everything he was ashamed off in front of Blaine. Everything he hated about himself, on show for Blaine and Blaine only. He felt sort of glad but he couldn't shake the shame and embarrassment he felt. Blaine moved to the cut, applying some of the antiseptic cream trying to be as gentle as possible "It's pretty bad Kurt, it's gone really deep." Kurt winced at the touch. Not only because it was Blaine touching his bare back, but because it sung like a bitch. Blaine applied a little but more pressure causing Kurt to wince in pain "I'm so sorry Kurt! Sorry!" Kurt laughed half heartedly "It's fine" he winced again as more cream was applied "Blaine, seriously it's fine." Kurt was stood looking at the picture above Blaine's bed when he realised he couldn't feel Blaine's presence any more. He stayed facing the picture, too embarrassed to turn around. "Blaine?" That was when he felt Blaine's hand brushing over his bare skin, over each scar separately. Tracing the outline with his finger, and each time Blaine's soft skin touched his bare back it made him shiver with delight.
Considering they were just friends it was a very intimate moment which made Kurt blush. Once Blaine had traced the final scar, he dropped his hand "There we go" his voice shook a little, possibly with embarrassment after he had just traced his best friends back. Kurt stepped forward reaching for his shirt, neither boy saying anything. Once his shirt was back around him, he turned as he buttoned up the bottom few buttons. "Thank you" he whispered to Blaine, looking at his caramel eyes with his own eyes full of gratitude. Blaine nodded and smiled, his cheeks turning a rosy pink before he went and placed the cream on his bedside table. Kurt sat back down on the bed, he left his blazer off and his top button undone. He let out a long sigh before falling back on to Blaine's bed with a wince as his back hit the mattress and closing his eyes.
Kurt didn't know how much time had passed when Blaine finally spoke but it didn't really bother him. He felt content now, yes he'd had a bad day but he'd shared something with Blaine and it made him feel a little better. Kurt felt the mattress move as he assumed Blaine was getting on to it. "Kurt?" With his eyes still shut he murmured "Yeah?" there was a small pause which caused Kurt to roll over and looking up at Blaine who was sat resting against the headboard. Kurt took in Blaine's appearance for the first time the entire evening. His hair was completely gel free, his unruly curls spiralling all over the place, he looked absolutely gorgeous. Kurt preferred him like this, rather then the Dalton Style he adapted. He was wearing a tight white t shirt with 'I'm Harry Freakin' Potter' in the centre with a lightning scar and he was wearing a pair of blue bottoms with yellow and green dragons on. He looked absolutely adorable.
Blaine shifted on the bed, seeming to question himself before deciding on an answer. "Why were you embarrassed to show me your back?"His voice was soft as asked, hoping not to be prying or asking too much. Kurt's gaze dropped to the duvet as he let out a sad sigh which made Blaine think he'd crossed the line "sorry, sorry. You don't have tot tell me Kurt I just wondered." Kurt let out a small chuckle and laughed, his eyes returning to Blaine's face. "I'm ashamed" he stated answering Blaine's question, his cheeks turning a slight pink as he was letting Blaine in deeper. "Ashamed?" Blaine asked sounding confused, "Why?" his voice rose causing Kurt to laugh. He felt more composed now, he'd accepted that Blaine wouldn't judge him and he was a little more willing to tell Blaine everything. "They are a constant reminder of the person and the moments in my life that I want to forget." Blaine went to interrupt but Kurt sent him a glare that would make the devil stop in his tracks "Blaine, those scars are proof. Proof of how weak I am" Without even realising a single tear had fallen down Kurt's cheek, he quickly wiped it away and sighed angrily at himself, more proof that he was weak.
Kurt drifted into his own world after that, thinking about how much he hated those scars, but how much better he felt after someone else knew about them. Blaine tried to get Kurt's attention but he wasn't responding, too wrapped up in his thoughts. When he came back to reality a few minutes later Blaine was sat watching him while cuddling the pillow Kurt had given him. Blaine patted the spot next to him asking Kurt to come and join him. He really shouldn't it was probably late and past curfew so he really should go back to his dorm but he didn't want to leave Blaine yet, he didn't want to be alone. He was afraid that his thoughts about Karofsky would resurface and he didn't want that. He was still in a lot of pain with his back and his wrists were so achey it hurt but he propped himself up on his elbows and shuffled himself forwards so he was lying next to Blaine, his head leaning on one of Blaine's throw pillows. He felt content he had shared the one thing he hates the most about himself with another person, with Blaine but somehow, in all his sorrow it made Kurt feel better.
Blaine hadn't reacted badly to seeing his scars, in fact he hadn't really reacted at all and that meant so much to Kurt. He hadn't judged like he promised, he took in the information Kurt provided and didn't ask questions and it meant the world to him, Kurt really appreciated it.
When Kurt looked back at Blaine his eyes were now sad and focused, "I'm going to tell you a story" his voice thick with emotion. Kurt was lying on his side, his head inclined to look at Blaine "What's the story about?" his tone light and composed. Blaine looked at Kurt, searching his face, for what Kurt couldn't tell but whatever it was he must have found it because a few moments later he spoke nervously. He hugged Kurt's pillow tight to his chest before he looked at Kurt again. "Me" was all he said, he took in Kurt's gaze, searching his face.
Kurt was surprised to hear that. He hadn't expected anything like that, a small smile appeared on his face as Blaine was willing to share a part of himself tonight too. He was doing it for him, so he didn't have to feel weak and ashamed. "Did you want to hear it?" Blaine asked, he sounded like a child asking his Dad if he wanted to hear a story when he was sure that they wouldn't be interested at all. His voice, soft and quiet. Kurt smiled up at Blaine,"I'd love to" his voice was soft and encouraging. Blaine nodded once and then repositioned himself so he was lying on the bed face to face with Kurt.
Kurt had been upset and angry and he felt weak and vulnerable. He was hurt.
His run in with Karofsky had emotionally and physically hurt him but in the back of his mind, the smallest part of him was greatful because that act of violence and led him to right now. He'd given a part of himself to Blaine tonight, and now Blaine was giving back.
It was a step forward.
Sorry for all the angst! Please don't hate me! Now I've done this for a reason! I Swear!
Kurt needed to learn more about Blaine and Blaine, being the way he is, so composed and so secretive wouldn't give this information out willingly and out of context. So I needed to make a situation where Blaine would feel comfortable sharing the smallest bit of his past with Kurt. Kurt would give something to Blaine, and in return Blaine would give something to Kurt.
Hope you guys liked this chapter and I hope your ready to hear a bit about Blaine's past! It's not pretty, but Blaine will pull through and his own opinions on the way his life turned out.
Thank you. xx