Full Circle
After lifting my arm, and pulling back my sleeve to check the time, I was surprised that it wasn't as late as I thought it was. Considering everything that I'd managed to do, while both conscious and unconscious, I figured I made it all the way to the next day and would have to face a seriously suspicious Rufus. But it was only two minutes to twenty two hundred hours, and Rufus wasn't usually done at the firing range until somewhere around zero or one-hundred hours.
The man loved to shoot his gun, which was actually going to work out well for me that night, considering I had a few more things that I had to do, and not having Rufus around to witness what I was planning on doing would work out even better.
Unable to wipe the silly grin from my face, and giggling to myself every few seconds, I started making my way down the back halls of the labs. There were no guards in the back halls, since there was no need for them, making things even easier than robbing the candy store on the second floor.
Anyway, while whistling a happy tune, in between uncontrollable bouts of laughter, and swinging my rod casually at my side, the sounds of my presence echoed through the empty hall and brought me in between the 'here and then' of all my shitty experiences. For some reason though, it was making me laugh.
"Cloud fucked me, Man…" I muttered, lightly, to myself when I came to the door of section 2A – Cryogenics. "He fuckin fucked me…"
Giggling again, I rested the rod on my shoulder, and read the warning plate on the door about the systems inside being alarmed, while still unable to shake the thought that I was suddenly finding it utterly perplexing. "He screwed me outta the Lifestream…"
Knowing damn well that there was a reason all the Revive Materia had been destroyed, kind of made my life feel complete for some twisted and sick reason. It was immoral. Not that it wasn't Hojo who used it on me in the first place, back in Nibelheim, but still, I wasn't thinking that clearly, and blaming Cloud just seemed like the right thing to do at the time.
People believed that it interfered with the natural order of things, leaving me somewhere…
Where? Limbo? Somewhere in between life and death? Somewhere that I wasn't meant to be?
"I should'a died, Ren…"
While muttering away to myself, I slipped my keycard through the door, not caring if it got traced back to me or not, since nothing seemed to really matter at that point, and I waited patiently for my reward.
"Supposed ta be dead…"
Then, when the green light awarded me entry, I found myself smiling with a nod and thoughtlessly tapping my shoulder with the mag-rod.
"Not supposed ta be here…" I continued, resting my hand on the cool handle, and running my fingers over the smooth surface. I was unable to clear my mind of the bitter thoughts that swam around in its abysmal depths while feeling like I was in more than one place at the same time. "Should'a died a long time ago…" I added, in a small voice, before I opened the door, and took a look around. "Should'a died in the labs."
No wonder my life is so fucked…
"Everybody fucks me, Man."
For some reason, I suddenly found it funny, and I started laughing again, while simultaneously wondering what the hell I was laughing at.
Once the door was open, I let out a long and impressive whistle that echoed throughout the room. Then, as my laughter started to subside, I started giggling at my carelessness, and began whistling again as I walked forward. There was nothing but fucking irony in it all. To think that I was spared a quick death, all those other times, only to make it to a point to where I was going to finally get to die… slowly.
"Yeah… That's a good one… Let's all save the redhead, so we can watch 'im die a more fucked up death later instead…
"Fuck me, Man." I complained, as I pulled out my pack of cigarettes and looked inside of it. "Gettin low…" Then I giggled and stuffed one in my mouth, before lighting it with a total disregard to the higher oxygen levels in the room.
Let the place blow up for all I care.
The room held that stale mixture of dried-ice and ozone, along with a chemical sterility that was just at the tip of my senses, accompanied by an out-of-place dankness that was not only smelled, but almost tasted, with each breath that I breathed. Somewhat disappointed that there was no fiery ball to claim my life when I struck the flint on my lighter, I cursed silently and sucked back on the flame to ignite the red embers at the tip.
"Figures…" I grumbled, as I turned my eyes upward and sneered. "Ya ain't gonna let me off that easily… Are ya?"
The floor crept with a low mist that hovered mostly around the cryogenic containers, and the foggy mass danced around in whorls with each step that I made. Suddenly, I found myself playing an old hopscotch-like game that I used to play with Haldric when we were kids, and snickering at the memories, before everything got messed up…
Before our innocence was robbed from us…
Then I stumbled slightly, and I could almost feel Haldric catch me, since my mind was still playing tricks with my head. But it had taken me to a time past the innocence though, and it took me to a time where things got out of hand.
"If you didn't want to be with me, then why didn't you just say so?"
He was upset. He had every right to be.
"Why did ya hafta hurt me?"
I heard Haldric's words come out of my own mouth as clearly as I heard them in my head, and I immediately stopped. I had been brushing my lips with my fingers, and stood there shaking.
"Why do you always have to hurt me?"
My voice had become so small, that it was no longer my own. Tears ran down my face, but there was no welling heat, and no emotion to stir them. They just ran out of my eyes for no apparent reason, and I started giggling again, as I let them dry in the air.
They weren't my words.
"I dunno why!" I cried out in my own defence. I was so angry at myself that the only thing I could do was cry. I couldn't lash out anymore and neither could he. I'd exhausted us both…
It was over.
Attempting to brush my thoughts away, I began whistling again. Then I swung my rod over my shoulder and stuffed my cigarette into my mouth, so I wouldn't have to hang on to it or listen to that stupid whistling anymore, and made my way over to the cabinets at the back.
After rummaging through several of the cabinets and drawers, I came across what I was looking for and pulled out a handful of the spare cords that were placed neatly in there. Once I grabbed the amount I figured I'd be needing, I stuffed them in my back pocket haphazardly, so they hung out and dangled passed my knees, and then I made my way over to the cryogenic pod that I had come in for.
What better way to get the attention I so desperately need...
"Hello Clone." I crooned, with a purr, while I chuckled lowly and stared at it with a sickening awe. "What's Kurn been doin with ya?"
Tilting my head to the side and blankly staring at the lamenting form, trapped in a state between life and death, I studied the sleeping subject in its enclosed stasis. He was slender, like a gangly reed, and covered in a light glittering frost that matched his silvery hair. If it wasn't for the fact that he was the epitome of something I despised so much, I might have actually taken the time to drink in the ethereal beauty that he possessed. But as it was, the site of him left a slight taste of bile in the back of my mouth, and I noisily gagged at the thought.
"Hmmm… Nothin, eh?"
"What a shame." I said, stroking my fingers along the cold glass, and being taken with the slight sheen that glistened subtly in the dim light and the dancing LED's.
Then I intimately let the unfortunate specimen know that, "Between you an me, I would'a had ya dissected without hesitation," and then I pressed my cheek to the cold barrier in front of me to feel it's coolness against my flush skin, and smiled while listening to the subtle life-support sounds mechanically whirring from within.
"But that's not what I'm here for right now." I confided, in a hushed voice, and pushed myself back so I could face the stagnant waste of skin and bone before me.
"So yer off the hook fer now." I stated, while jabbing my finger at the glass to emphasize my words. Then I turned my attention to the life support cord and read the warning, in regards to setting off the alarm, on the plate above it.
Feeling the sudden urge to talk about things I'd never talked about before, I figured I'd indulge a bit, since I had the perfect audience. I couldn't help but figure he wouldn't mind, and I was almost certain he wasn't going to tell anyone. So, there really wasn't any harm in doing so, and to top it off, he kind of struck me as the quiet, and trustworthy, type.
"Ya know… if I did'n go to that brothel that night…" I started, looking off into the past. "I never would'a been abducted by that branch'a the Don's men."
With a nod, I assured the clone that what I spoke was strictly facts. "Had a weakness, ya know." Then I knelt in front of the stasis pod and examined all the cords and wires that were plugged into it, while fiddling with them.
"Giiiirrrrls," I purred in confidence, and then I looked back up to him to make sure he was still paying attention. Although, I had a sneaking suspicion that he wasn't.
"Haldric had 'nuff'a me… Got tired'a beatin me over it, ya know?"
Following a quick thought, I added distantly, with a raised brow as I stared upwards. "Maybe he ran outta creative ideas fer punishment." Then I took a quick puff from the cigarette dangling from my mouth, and vented a quick breath while turning my attention back to the cords.
"Was weak… Could'n change my ways." I confessed, as I studied the cryptic labels above the cords and sneered at myself, pulled the cigarette from my mouth and flicked the ashes, watching them sail to the floor in a light dance. "Cuz I did… was the only person I ever said it to."
After that, I wrapped my hand around the life support cord and gave it a light tug, to see how well it was seated. Then I sighed, and added, "Jus never wanted ta be someone's bitch though, ya know?" as if I was asking, and wondering if he had any idea about what I was talking about, as I pulled the plug and watched the red light come on.
With a half-shrug, I confessed, "Was'n natural fer me."
Then I watched as the amber light started blinking. It was the warning for the silent alarm, and I became mesmerized by its hypnotic, sequential flickering, before I shook my attention away from it and back to the clone. "He came lookin fer me after I disappeared... Did ya know that?"
Of course, I knew he didn't know that. How could he? Only a crazy person would have thought something like that. But I still shook my head disgracefully at him and stood back up, before straightening my pants a little, and pulling my jacket down to smooth it out too.
"Was worried… Never expected me ta actually leave 'im… An he got worried... Can ya believe that?" I stopped then, and looked at the floor for a moment, as I contemplated my next thought with a sickening regret.
"Biggest mistake he ever made… I'm like a plague ya know…" I continued, and looked back up to see if he was still paying attention. "Everyone that gets close ta me, gets hurt."
Then I tapped the glass lightly with my rod, and tapped my other finger to my temple to stress, in a visual sense, while I confided the following fact to him.
"But he was'n quite right in the head ta begin with though…" I whispered, staring intently at my audience.
"Time in the labs'll do that to ya." After that, a quick thought made me realize "But ya prob'ly already know 'bout that, eh?"
To stress the secrecy of the matter, I glanced around to make sure there was no one else in the room with us, and then I leaned closer to the glass with a confiding whisper. "Gave 'im some serious emotional problems."
After that, I stepped back and did a slight turn to watch the mist whorl around me as if it was alive, and I insightfully recalled. "We're not talkin 'bout normal emotional problems here though."
Then a chided breath escaped me as I sneered at my memories. "He was a little on the twisted side… had 'imself a violent temper…" With a pause to re-sort my thoughts, I looked over my shoulder, back towards the clone, and smiled sheepishly, before I finished where I was going. "Ya could prob'ly say he was an experimental sadist, to put it mildly." I said, while nodding in agreement and swinging my rod around in full circles at my side.
I became irritated by the frequent movement though, and I decided to stop the distraction the rod was suddenly causing me, before resting it on my shoulder. Then I continued with my senseless disclosure, as if I had nothing better to do with my time. "But he cared about me, ya know?
"Got 'imself inta the same mess as me… Because'a me…"
Knitting my brows in revelation at the reminder, I stared at the floor and concluded. "Was all my fault." Then I let out an annoyed snort in regards to the fact that my friendly ear had nothing to say in concern to the matter, and seemed almost as if he wasn't even listening to me at all.
"Anyway, yer not really payin attention ta me…" I observed, narrowing my eyes in suspicion at him.
"Are ya?"
Then I took the cigarette back out of my mouth and flicked it at the encasement, still careless about the oxygen in the room, even though I was well-aware that it was there, before the thought of a sudden inferno made me giggle again.
But that giggle was soon replaced with bitterness and resentment when I remembered who I was, and that I would be having any such luck anytime within the near future. Regardless of the fact that it would spare me a slow and torturous death, and the fact that it would spare me the heartache of knowing my past had finally caught up with me.
It would also have spared me the fact that a long time friend, that I thought had been snuffed out for good, was finally back to taunt me. I thought I had, at the very least, learned to ignore my other half. But he didn't seem that content to be ignored anymore, for he was half-controlling me, and guiding me to do things the way he felt they should be done… just like old times.
Stepping slowly backwards, so I could stand in the shadows near the door, I quietly ran my hand along the cords hanging out of my pocket, while I waited. I was tempted to start tapping my foot in anticipation, but silence was the key to my plan.
The smile on my face had returned, and every now and then a slight snort escaped me as I tried to hold the laughter back. But it was hard to hold it back, because something was just too damn funny.
If only I knew what the hell it was...
In an attempt to gain control over my unknown amusement, thoughts trailed to Rufus, and I was suddenly able to stop myself from snickering when the pang spread across my chest.
Not s'posed ta care, ya bastard, I reminded myself.
But I was overwhelmed with the fact that I did care. I did more than I ever did before, which meant that things would have to be done carefully, if I was going to be able to hang on to what I couldn't let go of. Something in me erupted at the reminder that this wasn't like with Haldric. This was something entirely different. This was something that completed me in a way that nothing ever completed me before. I felt something for Rufus that I'd never felt for anyone in my entire life. But what was it?
"Best not ta think 'bout that right now."
"Yeah, yeah… shut up." I hissed, in a whispered hush, as I heard the faint footsteps coming down the hall towards the room.
When the door opened, I let myself relax, and watched Kurn walk right by me, unnoticed, and over to the encasement to see what went wrong. Then, slowly, I crept up behind him and waited, while he crouched to the front of the pod to find out why the silent alarm had gone off.
He was muttering quietly to himself, questioning how in the hell the power cord could have fallen loose, while he studied it in confusion. Then, after he re-seated it firmly back into its socket, I lifted my foot slightly to swirl the mist about, being especially careful to not make a sound, so he could see the cigarette lying on the ground.
At first, he seemed a bit puzzled by the sudden movement of the mist around him. Then the man froze for a moment, when he saw what it was I was aching to reveal. His dull reflection in the frozen glass in front of him showed the alarm wash over his face, as he picked up the remnant of the cigarette and recognized the brand.
Unable to hold back the demented grin creeping across my features, I kept my predatory eyes on him, as he slowly lifted his head and startled when he met the eyes of the wolfish impression he saw peering hungrily at him, from behind.
"Fancy meetin you here." I said, in a frighteningly chilled manner, through hungry teeth.
There was a strange withdrawn sense, like I was nothing more than an observer watching someone else do the dirty work when he went to jump up and stand. The rod in my hand seemed to swing on its own as the scent of burnt carbon filled the air and small sparks jutted out when it met with Kurn's back. A feeble cry filled the small space in front of him, short and sweet, and like nectar to my senses.
Once again, I cursed the damn oxygen level for not being high enough to react to the damned sparks.
Guess I held the damn door open too long.
"Oops." I said, bringing my fingers up to cover my mouth as I girlishly giggled, while he convulsed to the floor on his way to unconsciousness. "Dunno what came over me, Man."
Whistling again, I undid the rod from my wrist, so I could hitch it to my belt instead, keeping it out of my way. Then kneeling down slightly, to spare my back, I grabbed his limp arm and straightened up again. After that, I started dragging him across the floor with one hand, while I skilfully stuffed an unlit cigarette into my mouth with the other in hopes that I could stop myself from whistling that stupid jingle.
"Told ya I hate that fuckin tune." I muttered, to myself in irritation, while I towed Kurn through the back halls and into the BioWeapons division.
Once I had him seated in a nice comfy chair with his sleeves rolled up, I used the cords I stuffed in my pocket to tie him down, and then I walked over to one of the containment areas to fill up half of a syringe with a mercury-like fluid that required a slight calibration on my part.
After that, I went over to another containment area to fill up the other half with a gel-like substance that I had become familiar with and perfected over the years of dealing with my enemies. An eye for an eye, I always believed... Let the punishment fit the crime.
It was a little something I had secretly donated to Shinra after a few years of service, earning me a promotion from a level three Turk to a level four, by the very satisfied and diabolical President Shinra, himself. No one involved ever needed to know of my involvement in the project or where I got the knowledge to cook up such a recipe from, and no one ever asked either. The only person that ever knew about my dealings with it was Rufus' father.
Well, anyway, I patiently made my way back over to an unconscious Kurn and smacked him repetitively in the face until he woke up with a heavy disorientation.
"Hey," I soothed, in a calming voice when I saw him stir. "Ya okay, Man?" My voice was riddled with genuine concern when I informed him that, "Ya had a nasty accident…"
"Wh –"
I think, he was either going to ask what happened or where he was. I'm not really sure, because he started to panic when he saw the smile on my face and realized he was tied down with a bunch of power cords.
Taking the opportunity of his initial shock, I decided I'd have enough time to light the cigarette that was dangling from my mouth all that time, and savoured the sweet nicotine swoon that I was rewarded with, from my outrageously long inhalation from it.
"Fuck, I could use a drink…" I breathed out, while I stared at the lighting fixture above me, "Haven't had one all evenin…"
While still staring at the fixture above me, I let him in on a little secret. "Get kind'a funny when I get too sober, ya know?"
He stopped struggling then, and stared at me with a frightening awe in his eyes, which then turned into a cold sweat when he saw the syringe I was toying with, between my fingers, by my side.
"Ya know… I don't normally come down 'ere… Avoid it if I can." I told him, factually, while I exhaled the smoke from my lungs and watched it dance towards the light. "Hate labs."
All the while, I watched Kurn's speechless questioning through the corner of my eye, as I continued to stare at the fixture. I wanted so much to tell him what was on my mind. But I couldn't. I wanted to tell him what I knew, and what I suspected. But it was not the time for such indulgences. I knew it would be a bad idea, and there was the risk that I might kill him if I thought too hard on it. Too much was at risk during my fragile moment of discovery that I had to give myself time to think it through.
He still had his uses, after all...
"W-what do you… W-want?" He asked, not that he really wanted to know, as he kept his eyes fixated on the needle.
"I wanna know what yer doin with that clone." I answered. Not that I really cared, but it was as good an answer as any, really, since I wasn't really there to interrogate him about anything in particular.
His confusion matched the image I had in my head prior to answering the question, and it brought my smile back while I exhaled more smoke through my nose.
"What?" He asked, with a hint of well-deserved confusion.
"The clone, Man… Ya know… The clone?" I replied, like he should have been up on these things. Then I turned to him and slouched slightly, looking at him, as if he was a complete idiot.
"N-nothing… I…" While struggling in an attempt to alleviate some of the discomfort from the cords, he met my eyes, dead on, with a slight annoyance. "You guys haven't given me any time."
"Hehe… No shit, eh?"
At that point, I wanted to call him on my suspicion about him learning how to reproduce the procedure used on them, and handing that information along with some of the Jenova cells over to Aldrich. But I couldn't let him know that I knew about his association with Aldrich without losing the upper hand, and I didn't want to seem insane by throwing around false accusations either. I had to make up a reason for what I was about to do, and it had to be believable.
"Use Rufus."
Twitching slightly to shake my irritating friend out of my head, I waved my hand to swat at the air by my ear, and let out a low hiss. The action earned me a quizzical look from the man who sat in the chair I had so graciously given up for him.
"Ya know, I don't trust scientists all that much, right?" I asked, as I lazily turned my body to face the same direction as my head.
"You've made that very clear." He said, slowly, while oddly tilting his head to the side. Then a strange light washed across his clear green eyes, and disappeared just as quickly.
For some reason, the action, and the fact that he said it rather calmly, chilled me. It was that reaction that told me that he had something over me. But of course, he had no idea that I knew what it was that he had over me.
An old game of chicken, we were about to play with each other's lives. A game I had become all too familiar with over the years, and I wasn't prepared to start losing. I'd be taking him out with me, if it came to that.
"I s'pose yer wonderin why I went through all this trouble ta get ya down here…" I mused, as I stared into his hateful eyes, while a slight sheen of sweat caressed his brow when he shifted uncomfortably. Narrowing my eyes at him, I fiddled a bit more with the syringe and took a step closer.
"I hafta admit that I'm a little concerned fer Rufus' safety." I told him, as I coldly looked him over and narrowed my eyes. "He ain't doin so well, lately."
"I t-told you that th-the tests have been s-successful so far." He said, in an attempt to plead his case.
"Yeah, I know ya ain't lyin 'bout that…" I informed, before taking a drag from my cigarette and blowing the smoke in his direction. "Took the liberty of checkin up on ya."
"Th-then why did you b-bring me down here?"
"Wanna make sure ya don't try an pull anythin funny when the time comes ta perform the procedure."
"W-why would I d-do that?" he stammered, as if he was astonished that I'd suggest such a silly thing.
"Cuz yer a fuckin scientist…" I reminded him, taking another step closer, "An that means that ya'll do anythin to fuck someone over jus ta see what the result'll be." I told him, while shaking the point of the needle at him. "It's what ya'll do."
"B-but I…"
"Shut up…" I commanded, as I came up to him, with a threatening movement. "I ain't in the mood fer yer bullshit."
"What are you going to do to me?" he asked, with a slight edge as I sat across his lap, straddling him. He was stricken with an odd type of terror that froze him completely, as he looked into my eyes while I stared poker-faced back at him.
Yeah… Aldrich told ya 'bout me, did'n he…
"I'm gonna make sure ya don't fuck up." I said, in a low and steady voice. "Gonna make sure ya don't go nowhere neither."
"I... have no intention of g-going anywhere." He responded, with an increase in the speed of his breathing, while his eyes became more intent as he looked at me in bewilderment. "W-why would you th-think that?"
"Cuz I don't trust ya… I'm gonna explain somethin ta ya… Yer gonna need ta know it, if ya wanna stay alive." Nodding subtly at him, I was suddenly unable to hold back the cat-like grin that was slowly creeping across my lips, while I held his gaze with mine. "But first… I jus wanna savour the look on yer face when ya realize what jus happened." I told him, as his face paled and his eyes widened. "Did'n even feel it, did ya?"
Bringing the empty syringe to wave between our eyes, he suddenly started to violently struggle. "What have you done to me?" He shouted, while I sat on his lap and drank in his reaction.
"I'd calm down if I were you." I purred at him, holding his face in my hands. "Would'n wanna push the microbes to an unstable state while their still in such a delicate form."
After that, I swung my legs, playfully, as they dangled over his sides, and started running my hands through his hair, while he freaked out below my weight.
"Such a pretty colour." I commented, tilting my head and appreciating the beautiful blonde strands as I combed his unruly hair with my fingers. "Always been a sucker fer blondes…"
At that, his struggling came to a dead halt, and a strange cry escaped his throat when he noticed my other hand had slipped down and started playing with the hair on his chest.
"Ya know… Yer not so bad lookin…" I commented, honestly, despite the fact that he was a damned scientist. "Though, I'm more partial to smooth chests an blue-eyes, myself…" Letting out a chide snort, as I tugged on the hairs of his chest, I added. "Can't say I've never been opposed ta deviatin from my preferences though."
When I noted the paranoid look in his eyes after I brought my fingers under his chin to tilt his head towards me, I had to comfort him by letting him know. "Don't worry… Ain't gonna do nothin to ya… Ya ain't nowhere near as good lookin as Rufus." I told him, and smacked him across the top of his head for being such a gullible putz, before I pushed myself off his lap. "Jus tryin ta help ya out a little by takin yer mind off'a things."
"What have you done to me?" He choked.
"In twenty minutes or so, that injection's gonna map itself to yer genetic code completely. Once it does that, there ain't no way fer ya ta remove it without killin yerself." I informed him, while looking down at my shoes. "The metal is organic in nature, an it's fragile before it maps itself… Reinforces once it's bonded with ya… Keeps the microbes encased… Keeps ya safe."
After pulling the cigarette out of my mouth, I winked at him and put it out on the bottom of my shoe. Then I continued with the information I figured he'd need to know. "The metal is set ta deteriorate when struck by a certain frequency set outside of the common radios, and when that happens, the microbes are free to wreak havoc in yer body. This little trigger…" Stopping long enough to dig a small switch out of my pocket, I held it up to show him, and nodded when he nodded like he understood. "Will break down the metal an release those microbes… I hear it's a slow death… painful too."
I wanted so much to let him know that we were even, but I had to hold back. I had to refuse myself the pleasure of letting him know that I knew what he'd done to me. If I let him know, then I might not have his full cooperation with Rufus.
If he were to know that he was already a dead man once his task was completed, he might not be so willing to help me out when it came to the things I needed him to help me out with. He might screw around and bide his time – It's hard to control a dead man. But if I gave him a glimpse of hope that Rufus' well-being was all I was after, he might be more willing to lend a helping hand.
The inability to indulge in my real agenda left a bitter taste in my mouth that I had to force myself to swallow back, and I wound up sneering at him as a result.
"I guess what I'm tryin ta tell ya is…" I paused for a moment and brushed my hair back with my hand, "That I ain't gonna let ya fuck Rufus over without ya payin a hefty price. An as an extra insurance, ya ain't leavin this buildin until I decide ya can… I don't trust ya 'nuff ta let ya run 'round on yer own anymore. Ya might try an run."
After that, I walked over to the biohazard disposal unit, and tossed the needle in. "So, I'm gonna set up transmitters all around this buildin… Far 'nough away ta keep ya safe within the confines of these walls, but should ya decide ta leave… Well… It's yer funeral..." I concluded, with a wink and a shrug, before walking back to remove the cords so he could go.
"Heh… An ta think ya were worried 'bout what Rufus might do to ya, eh?" I thought out loud, as I patted him on the shoulder once he was free of the constraints.
"Anyway, this'll be our little secret." I told him, with a venomous warning in my eyes. "Anyone finds out, an unlike Rufus… I like ta play with my friends, an draw the relationship out fer as long as I can… Get more satisfaction out of it that way, ya know?"
Kurn seemed all too aware that I wasn't bluffing, and I was sure Aldrich had told him all he needed to know about me, and that I wasn't the type to play around with idle threats.
Now, I had the insurance that he wouldn't be leaving the building to report anything more to his secret employer, or anyone else for that matter, keeping the Shinra secrets as they were meant to be kept in the process. After all, the last thing I needed was for Aldrich to know about Rufus' weakness, which I was sure he already knew. That fact alone, made things a lot more uncomfortable for me, and made me suddenly a lot more protective over the one man that I truly did…
Care about.
"Now get the fuck outta here." I ordered, waving my hand with my back to him. "I gotta lotta cleanin up ta do 'round here, an I don't need ya hangin 'round an gettin in my way."
It was twenty-six minutes passed zero-hundred hours, and all I could think about was a good stiff drink when I was back in the apartment. Actually that was an understatement, a whole bottle of that expensive shit that I bought the week before would suffice for me this time. I'd been saving it for a special occasion and decided that this was nothing more than the perfect excuse for one.
My head had calmed down a little since I had the opportunity to vent most of my frustration, and I convinced myself that I was back to behaving somewhat normal. Although, it was rather hard to tell exactly what somewhat normal felt like, since it was something I'd never really been familiar with in the first place.
All I wanted to do was get cleaned up and shit-faced before Rufus returned home, so that I could face him without feeling the heaviness that was weighing me down to abysmal depths, and I could be certain that I was me. After all, the last thing I wanted was for my little friend to pay Rufus a visit.
But for some reason, that thought suddenly chilled me. What if he already has? How many times have I zoned out when he was around? I've been working for the guy for years! How many times did he sit there, or stand, looking at me like I'd just told him I wanted to bear Sephiroth's children and invade Scarlet's wardrobe, without ever knowing why? Oh, Great Ifrit. Have I literally fucked myself beyond reason? Is it possible that he would just brush it off as me being me?
"It 'Is' you being you, Dumbass."
"Uggghhh…! Would… you… just… Shut… the… fuck… up!" I hissed, as I grabbed the bottle out of the cupboard, and drank straight from it; bypassing the time it would take me to grab a glass.
And of course, there was always the most disturbing question that I would have to ask myself, because I wasn't completely driven over the edge just yet, and felt I could do a little more damage…
Have I had sex with him without me knowing about it?
The sudden diabolical laughter that filled my head drove me to guzzle down half the bottle in one attempt.
"Would you look at what you're doing to yourself?" Came a voice smothered in mocking laughter. "You're nuts, man."
"AAAGGGHHH!"
In a sudden fit, I ripped the cupboard door off its hinges and slammed it to the floor, to spare the desire to rip out my hair and smash the bottle instead. After all, I was in dire need of its contents, so I decided to polish it off and finish it, before grabbing another bottle. This time, not caring what I grabbed. Since the first bottle was starting to kick in, it didn't really matter what the hell I wound up with in my hand next, as long as it had alcohol content.
"There's gotta be a logical explanation for all of this." I muttered to myself, as I took another long swig, and then opened a new pack of cigarettes. "Ya were supposed ta be gone."
With a total disregard to my newly trashed surroundings, I dropped the wrapping from the pack onto the floor and took out a cigarette without looking. "Maybe I've got another fever."
Pausing for a while, I waited for a witty remark, and when I received none, I took a deep breath to calm myself down, before I lit my cigarette and took a disheartening drag from it.
Did he never leave?
"Please… Sit down, Reno." Tseng ordered, after I entered his office. There was a heavy scent of incense in there, along with a strange hint of lemon.
As he moved around his methodically uncluttered office, I couldn't help but notice there was a musky aroma of cigars and cigarettes that clung to his clothing. The man had obviously just come from a meeting with the President, I considered, since Tseng didn't smoke, and there were no cigarettes in his ashtray that he kept as a courtesy to those that did.
"Sir." I answered, with a nod, before pulling the chair back to have a seat, before the man bowed his head and rubbed at his brow, while trying to carefully gather his thoughts. Then he came to rest his backside against the back of his desk, so he could stand in front of me and look down.
"Reno, how long have you been working for us now?"
Shifting uneasily in my chair, because I suddenly had a feeling that I fucked up without knowing why, I hesitantly answered the man. "Fifteen Months, Sir."
'Here it comes… They're gonna tell me I'm no longer useful, an my lifeless body's gonna wind up in a gutter somewhere …'
"How much of your missions do you remember?" He asked, with an unreadable expression as I looked searchingly at him.
Uncertain as to why he'd ask that, I simply shrugged, nervously, while I searched for a reason to the question, and an answer that wouldn't put me in a corner. "Dunno." I answered, my voice suddenly going husky from the anxious feeling that was growing in my gut.
"Hm." He nodded, and pushed his ashtray towards me as a sign that it was okay to smoke in his office. "You're reports have been impeccably accurate." He stated, and then he brushed off some imaginary dust from his pant leg. "And you're assignments have all been completed without question, and beyond a state of satisfactory."
"However…" he added, and placed his hands neatly to his sides, against his desk. "Since you've been assigned to Rude, a concerning observation has been made about you, by him."
"I regret that we hadn't noticed this sooner. But President Shinra had you working mostly alone, or with Grunts up until eight months ago, for anyone to take real notice of your…" For a moment of pause, he nodded, and then he waited for me to put out my offending match, before concluding, "Problem."
"Problem, Sir?" I asked, cocking my brow and shaking the match, while I puffed on the cigarette to get it going.
'What the fuck kind of trouble am I in?'
Clearing his throat, he told me, "Yes… Rude was uncertain at first, but after keeping you under close observation, it appears that when you are stressed, or threatened in certain ways, you become someone else." He stated flatly, almost as if he thought the faster he said it, the sooner it would be over and done with.
I couldn't help but chuckle with a mixture of relief and disbelief at what he was saying. "Ya know, 'Sir'." I said, making sure that I stressed the 'Sir' part. "Stress does have the ability ta black people out sometimes. It also has the ability ta affect the way a person behaves." Still in a state of disbelief at what he was suggesting, I added. "'Times, it can make a person seem like someone else." I shrugged.
"I'm well aware of what stress does to a person." He informed me, and nodded once before looking me in the eye, stone-faced. "So is Rude, I might add… The problem isn't only that you have a dual personality." He said, before leaning forward to gently sit me back down when I went to stand back up. "The problem is that Rude has overheard you arguing, dangerously, with yourself. You've been careful enough to keep it mostly private, but there have been times where you haven't been careful 'enough'."
For whatever reason, heat rushed to my face like an onslaught, overtaking my better senses, and I bolted upright, with enough force to kick the chair back. "WELL LET'S SEE 'YOU' GET FUCKED UP THE ASS AND WHEREVER ELSE BY GAIA KNOWS HOW MANY ASSHOLES, AND SEE HOW NORMAL 'YOU' BEHAVE AFTER!" I shouted, at the top of my lungs while putting as much distance between him and myself as possible, and pointing my finger furiously at him.
His lips pursed at that moment, and he pushed himself from his desk to straighten up. "Reno… I'm well aware of your hardships." He told me, in a controlled and calm voice. "I'm not about to argue that your 'experiences' play no part in your 'condition' whatsoever." Then he walked over to me and placed the palm of his hand on my shoulder while I stared at him, shaking like a leaf from frustration.
"What I am going to say, is that you are in dire need of psychiatric help." He stressed. "And I am 'telling' you, that I have already discussed, without a doubt, your condition with both Rude and the President earlier today."
He patted my shoulder lightly then, when he saw I was calming down a little, even though I was still furious, and then he turned his back to me so he could seat himself behind his desk. I didn't like the idea of them all discussing my problems when I wasn't there to defend myself. "I am already in the process of presenting my request to get you the adequate help that you require, and the subject is non-negotiable on your end."
Despite the fact that I wanted to yell out that 'this was total bullshit', I knew my place, and I knew better than to push things to a point to where I had even less control. The best I could do was comply with his order, and wait to see what the result would be.
"Yes, Sir," I answered with my head down, as I impatiently waited for him to dismiss me.
The President never approved the request though, which left Tseng and Rude with no other choice but to learn how to deal with it and snap me out of it on their own. Over the years however, the blackouts and voices seemed to disappear to a point to where it seemed like they were nothing more than a dream I once had. We all knew that no amount of therapy would have helped me anyway.
Despite that though, I made such a strong attempt to bury and deny my past that it had no choice but to come back and haunt me in the most inconvenient of ways. The nightmares weren't enough, it seemed.
The second I heard the swipe of Rufus' keycard at the door, I found myself bolting across the room to grab him and slam him against the wall as soon as he entered, for no discernable reason, at all.
"YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH HIM, HAVEN'T YOU?" I yelled, hysterically at him, and with absolutely no control over myself, whatsoever.
There was a passing glimpse of surprise across his face that was quickly replaced by annoyance as he met my eyes with a calm lack of amusement. Then he gently grabbed my hands that were balled up in the front of his shirt, and began to pry my fingers open. "If you were in the mood to play some twisted game, you could have called me first." He answered, calmly. "Perhaps I could have stopped off at a sex shop and acquired some items to make it more fun."
After that, he grabbed both of my wrists and pried them apart so he could press them down at my sides, while he studied my expression for a moment. "And if you're accusing me of having an actual affair, then I suggest you have a few more drinks to clear that Clouded head of yours." He said, with a slight edge to his voice, as he pushed me back a little so he could move toward the coat rack and take off his coat.
"Twisted game?" I asked, in astonishment. "I'm not the one that plays fuckin games Rufus." I corrected, as I watched him unbutton his vest. Then I pointed my finger at him when he turned to look at me with the most bored expression he could come up with, and accused. "An don't think I don't know what the fuck it was you were just implying!"
Letting out a deep sigh, He quickly shook his head, and his bang slipped in front of his eye, causing him to bat it away from his face in annoyance. "All right, Reno… If it will make you feel better by turning the table, then I give up…" He said, as he pulled his vest off. "But before I admit to it, at least tell me which one of your imaginary friends I'm sleeping with."
"Don't fucking demean me, Rufus!"
"Demean you?" He asked, with his brow cocked in wonder. "Are you even capable of comprehending the meaning of such a word?"
"Of course I am, you pompous ass! I ain't no fucking idiot!"
"Good, then you'd know that you don't need me to do something you're more than adequately capable of doing yourself." He said calmly, as he went to move away from the rack.
His actions and words were making me even angrier than I already was, and the fact that I had no idea as to why the hell I was so upset in the first place, except for the fact that there was a slight possibility that he was sleeping with… me, was driving me utterly insane.
"You're a condescending asshole…!" I accused, while tensing up completely, and took a prowling step toward him and growled out, "I fucking hate you!"
With another deep breath, and a hand sweeping his hair back, his eyes shadowed over as he controllably glared into my challenging insanity. "I know you do." He said, calmly, and then casually started to walk to the kitchen to get himself a drink. "You make a point of mentioning that nearly every day."
His lack of challenge fired me up even more, and the fact that he was going into the kitchen to see the mess I had made, added panic to the equation. I wound up lunging at him just as he made it to the sofa and threw him into it, while I simultaneously dived on top of him, sending the sofa, and both of us, toppling over to the floor behind it.
We both landed painfully, with limbs sprawled all over the place and trapped between the upturned cushions and couch. As a result, Rufus laid beneath me, with the upper part of his body arched over the back of the sofa and half on the floor, and his legs were in the air over what would have been the seat of the couch, minus the cushions, which were beside us, and on us.
"What the hell is the matter with you?" He hissed, in surprise, when he regained himself after the initial shock of being painfully pinned to the floor. "Have you lost what's left of your feeble little mind?"
"How many times have I acted like this, Rufus?" I shouted at him, and shook him, as if he was the enemy. "How many times?"
"Do you honestly expect me to count every single psychotic episode that you have?" He retorted, with a venomous and antagonistic reply. "You're chaos incarnate, Reno…" Then he narrowed his eyes, and growled through his teeth at me. "The very essence of disordered psychosis itself!"
"YOU FUCKED HIM !" I screeched, but what Rufus didn't know, was that I wasn't yelling at him, I was freaking out on myself for taking advantage of the man that I…
The revelation that he'd lost count struck me hard enough to send my consciousness to another plane all together. The bastard's been taking advantage of Rufus! Was I being rational? Probably not... but at the moment, rationality was somewhere within the realm of sanity and disillusionment, which of course, I was nowhere near.
"Don't worry… It was only a couple'a times… He enjoyed it too."
"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING HIM!"
"What the fuck are you talking about?" He shouted back, and struggled to throw my weight off of him. "Unlike you, you're the only one I've ever been with, you ignorant bastard!"
Oh, the venom in that remark stung deep. It stung on a level that cascaded among many levels. It wasn't just his accusing tone, it was the words. Not only did he have to rub in the fact that I had been unfaithful, which I was regretful for, but he also had to throw in the fact that I was a bastard. Why he felt he needed to remind me that I was less than thoroughly bred, and even unaware of the roots of my own breeding, was completely uncalled for.
Of course, looking back now, I realize that my behaviour was also uncalled for, but that was beside the point.
So, anyway…
I suddenly found myself having to hold back the darker side that started to creep in. I still had enough of my sanity left to know that the man below me was not the person I wanted to be hurting. Although that sanity was wearing extremely thin. I had to hold back. I had to fight the urge to wrap my hands around his pretty little neck and choke the life out of him for being the reason I had lost it in the first place.
If it wasn't for him, I never would have gone to Bone Village with Rude. I never would have been interrogated with that serum, and I never would have been infected with an alien bacterium that was threatening to eat me alive by a man that he hired. I never would have sought out Professor Gast's place, and I never would have run into my old-time tormentor. I wouldn't be suffering from an unbearable Mako high that was not only driving me over the edge of rationality but was also threatening to kill me if it didn't dissipate soon.
If it weren't for him, I never would have cared that I was dying. I never would have felt that there was a reason for me to go on. I never would have been jealous of the thought of somebody else touching him, and I never would have been jealous of myself for touching him when I was unaware of it. I never would have cared at all. I never would have been made weak by the fact that I had fallen…
"I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU, YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS SNOB!"
"Oh, Reno… You've done it now…"
"What the…" Rufus' attempt to struggle out of my hold was deemed futile due to the awkward position I had him in, and he reluctantly gave up, while looking at me like something was bothering him. "Who the hell are you talking to then?" He asked, with a mixture of astonishment and frustration at my cryptic behaviour.
I couldn't blame him for the fact that he was angry at me over accusing him of screwing around though, and I couldn't blame him for the fact that he was doing his best to ignore the fact that I had crushed all of my crackers. After all, I'd always bounced back in the past, and he always seemed to be patient enough to just wait it out.
Damn, he was beautiful. What did I ever do to deserve him? How could I ever tell him what I had just discovered and done? If I told him, he would surely kill the traitorous scumbag without thinking twice, and he'd ruin my fun by doing it fast too. Not that the latter really mattered, but killing him before I was done with him did.
You can control yourself, Reno. You're the one who's in control… Get a grip.
He's so beautiful…
"Don't play stupid with me, Rufus…" I hissed at him, with narrowed and accusing eyes, as I tightened my grip around his wrists and held him down. "You know damn well who I'm talking to."
Why the hell couldn't I just drop it? The further I went, the deeper the hole became that I was digging myself into.
Unable to maintain his control anymore, a look of utter disbelief washed over his face, and he stared at me like I had gone completely nuts. "You're insane, Reno…" He hissed at me, before he threw me off of him, before yelling, "You've gone completely mad!" then, crouching above me like a predator and pointing his finger at me in accusation, while rubbing the ache in his back from where it was digging into the back of the sofa.
Jumping to my feet to retaliate, I pushed him back and bellowed "DON'T AVOID THE FUCKING TOPIC!"
"WHAT FUCKING TOPIC?" He bellowed back, and pushed me in reaction "THE ONE ABOUT MY IMAGINARY FUCK-BUDDY, OR THE ONE ABOUT ME BEING ABLE TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN YOUR DISTURBED LITTLE MIND?"
"YOU HAVE BEEN SLEEPING WITH HIM!" I accused again, although I didn't know why, and the accusation was followed by the laughter of mocking insanity in my head.
"SLEEPING WITH WHO?" By that time, his face had gone flush, and he brushed his hair back with his hand, as he tried to re-collect himself, before he got swept away too far into my own personal demise.
"Re –l" Cutting myself off before I really dug myself deep, I took a few deep breaths, and stuttered out "N-nobody…" Then I waved my hand in dismissal and started putting the sofa back to its rightful position. "Jus drop it." I added, not realizing that those words were a sure way to fuel the confusion into overdrive.
"DROP IT?" He asked, with a wild look of confusion. "DROP WHAT?" after that, he brought both his hands to his head, and brushed his hair back on both sides. Then he held them there like he was trying to keep his brain from exploding. "Are you trying to drive me insane along with you?"
"Oh, ya don't need my help in that area, Rufus." I muttered, while taking a stroll through la-la land, completely unaware of the impact it would have on the current situation. "Yer already nuts." I added, before I went to bend down again and pick up the cushions.
"Who the hell am I talking to?" He finally asked, after he shook his head from being dumbfounded, not that I was hoping he'd ask, but he asked nonetheless.
"Ya know who the hell yer talkin to." I grumbled, with a strangely calm, yet angered tone. "Ya've always fuckin known." I wasn't about to be fooled by his act. There was no way I was going to be fooled by him pretending that he had no idea what was going on. Nope… No fucking way.
Let him act like he doesn't know… He won't be able to do it forever.
"Known about what?" He asked, with a disbelieving laugh. Then he struggled to regain his usual calm, and smoothed his hair back before straightening out his shirt. After that, he ran his fingers across his brow as if he was clearing away imaginary cobwebs from his mind, and trying to make sense out of things. "That you're a raging lunatic sent straight from Hades' domain to be my very own personal tormentor?"
"YOU SONUVABITCH! YOU'VE KNOWN ABOUT THIS THE WHOLE TIME!" I bellowed. Then I spun around to face my accusatory eyes upon him.
"Whatever, Reno…" He stated, shaking his head at me, as if he was fed up with something. "I'm not going to continue this... whatever it is with you right now." Then he started walking towards the room to retire for the evening. "I'm going to bed." He said, flatly, and then he turned around to look at me one more time with an odd look of defeat. "I assume I'm sleeping alone tonight?"
When all I did was just stand there and glare at him, he took a deep breath and nodded to himself, as if to answer his own question. Then he paused for a moment as a look of strange and compassionate understanding washed over his face. "If and when you feel like returning to reality sometime this evening…" He said, coolly, before he paused for a moment and dug into his pant pocket to pull something out. "I got you this... I noticed you never replaced the one you lost, and saw you looking at this the other day."
Then he looked down at the object in his hand and turned it in his fingers, before placing the small package on the side-table beside the door of the room, and then he brushed his bang out of his eyes. "I don't know if you still want it." He added, and then he turned to look at the door of the spare room. "But it's yours to do with as you please."
After that, he took a quick glance over to me, and then nodded again. "Perhaps when you've calmed down, you will be able to tell me in a much more civilized manner what it is that has gotten into you." He paused for a moment then, and unbuttoned the cuffs of his sleeves, while he added. "I have an idea, but I'd rather not discuss it with you when you're behaving like a deranged antagonist." One more quick nod was awarded from him, and then he disappeared behind the door.
"Oh, ya jus had ta get that last fuckin word in, did'n ya." I muttered, with venom in my veins, as I stood there and stared at the door for a long moment. Then my attention turned to the package he'd placed on the table. "Ya know where ya can stick that!" I yelled, so he could hear me behind the door, while I pointed at the parcel. Not that he could actually see me pointing at it, but the momentum was just the same.
Making every effort to ignore the asshole, I commenced to straightening out the couch, and placed the cushions back on it in the meticulous way that he liked to have them. Then I went into the kitchen and picked my garbage off the floor so I could put it in its rightful place.
"Pompous prick," I murmured to myself, and then I stared at the cupboard door on the floor, and knew that he wouldn't be too happy about it if he saw it. So, I went to grab my toolbox from the spare room and commenced to fix it up as if it were new.
"Deranged antagonist…" I repeated, under my breath, as I finished up put the toolbox back in the spare room, and straightened up.
"Look who's talking."
Sneering in disgust, I stopped in the middle of the living room when I came back out, and set my attention back on the parcel again. "Ya can stick it up yer ass." I repeated, bitterly, as I took a small step toward the parcel, making my best attempt to avoid the gravitational pull.
"He thinks he can buy me off…" I muttered, while the curiosity and the desire to grab it and stick it up his ass for him was conflicting in a wilful and tormenting struggle within. Then I took another betraying step toward the general direction of it.
"Fucking snob."
"Would you just give it up and open the fucking thing? You're the one that's acting like the idiot!"
"Mind yer own fuckin business." I said, quietly, to the little jerk in my head. "Liked ya better when ya did'n exist."
Finding myself standing in front of the small package, I picked it up and studied the small velvet packaging on it. Why the hell did he have to buy me something? Was he trying to make me feel like shit? Fighting the urge to open it up and find out what it was that he felt he needed to buy for me, I wound up gripping the small package until my knuckles went white and the casing cracked, and then I placed it back down.
"Ya can go fuck yerself…"
After silently cursing the man for adding to my sense of guilt, curiosity won the best of me, and I picked the small box up again. Turning it over in my hand and feeling the soft velvet of the package, I reluctantly opened it and found myself struggling to swallow back the lump that had risen in my throat.
Damn it, Rufus…
Fucking hate you…
My hands were slightly shaky when I went to stroke the small object inside. For a moment, I pulled back as if stung by it, and then I pulled it out and rolled it between my fingers. The metal was smooth and cool in my hand, and deceptively light due to the indestructible mythril it was made from.
The small earring was much like the one Aldrich had crushed under his boot, only not so much that it reminded me of the incident though. The small intertwined engraving of the fire and lightning-like symbols for Ifrit and Ramuh were filled with thin layers of copper and gold, which contrasted subtly against the naturally silvery-pewter colour of the mythril base that it rested on. It was nothing fancy or flashy though, or I wouldn't have been looking at it in the first place.
When the hell did he see me looking at this?
Closing my hand around it protectively, I silently bitched myself out with my eyes closed for being such a psychotic asshole towards him. I had no idea what had come over me to make me behave like that in the first place. I know I was under a strange spell of fear and stress, but it was no valid excuse for taking it out on him the way that I did. It's not like I could have honestly blamed him for whatever it was I was blaming him for. If anything, I was the one that constantly fucked up, not him, and it wasn't his fault that my life had turned on me. None of my problems were his fault, yet I felt the need to blame him.
"Yer a fuckin idiot, Reno." I whispered to myself. "How the hell can I face him now?"
Closing my hand tighter, but not destructively, I leaned against Rufus' door and let my head fall back. "Yer a dense piece'a shit, ya know that?"
Then I unconsciously wrapped my hand around the knob, behind me and to my right, and I wound up opening the door, slowly. While keeping my back pressed to it as if I were glued tightly to it, I reluctantly followed the movement of the door while dreading opening it at the same time. Rufus was still awake, sitting up in the bed with the blankets across his lap and a book in his hands.
He ignored me until I cleared my throat, and then he placed the book down casually and icily glared at me. "I certainly hope, for your sake, that you're done." He warned me, as he reached over to his end table for a bookmark. "I'm not in the mood to continue with your antics."
"Nah…" I rasped, and pulled my head forward from the door. "No antics." Then I sucked on my bottom lip, tucking it under my teeth, and I slowly closed the door behind me. "Wanted ta apologize…" I said, looking down and holding my clasped hand slightly forward.
He let out a deep sigh, and closed the book after saving his page, and then he placed it on the end table to his side. He didn't really voice his acceptance of my apology, but he nodded in acknowledgement, and then he pressed his hands to his face to rub at his eyes. "Will you be coming to bed?" He asked me, evenly, and with a tired hope to his eyes when they met mine.
Nodding my answer sheepishly, I walked over to the side of the room that I occupied, but stopped near the dresser. "Ya still wanna talk ta me?" I asked, warily, while unhitching the mag-rod from my belt and placing it on top of it, and then I took off my jacket so I could remove my holsters and shirt as well.
"I believe it is more a matter of you wanting to talk to me." He replied, with his hands clasped loosely on his lap, as he watched my every move. "What's in your hand?"
"This?" I asked, and held out my clasped hand after I got my arm out of my sleeve. Then I turned around with the shirt still half on. Once he nodded, I answered with a hesitant attempt at a charming smile. "Somethin some gorgeous guy gave ta me."
Leaning his head back against the wall, and keeping his tired eyes on me as I finished undressing, He reached over with his right hand and pulled the blankets, on my side of the bed, back for me. "I'm…" he started, hesitantly, and cocked his brow, "Worried about –"
"Ya take yer meds?" I asked, cutting him off, and walked over to the bed with my head down.
With a week smile, he told me "Yes." Then he stated with careful consideration, along with a dead seriousness. "I think my problem is a little less severe than yours, however."
"Never know…" I said playfully, as I climbed into the bed. "Depends on what problem we're talkin 'bout." After that, I sat in the bed beside him and rested my head against the wall near his, and turned to meet his eyes. "Jus thought I had everythin under control… ya know?"
"So did I." He answered, and brought his hand up to brush the bang out of my eyes, while lightly sighing and taking in my features. I knew he was being careful not to say the wrong thing for fear that he'd bring up something I hadn't thought of yet, and I couldn't blame him for being concerned about sending me on another wild tangent.
He was probably right in his hesitation as well. He'd known me long enough to know that it didn't take much to set me off, and I'd gotten to know him well enough to realize that his coldness was nothing more than a defence mechanism that he'd built up to protect himself. I'd learned that he simply waited to see what hand the opponent was going to play first, before he made the mistake of showing too many cards at once. Whether he made his judgments through silence or bullshit depended on the situation at hand.
I assumed he decided that silence was the best for this particular situation though. But it's not to say that he was playing a game with me this time. I knew he didn't feel the need to protect himself from me at the moment. However, maybe he felt he needed to protect me… from me.
With that thought in mind, I held my hand in front of his chest and opened it with my palm facing upward, exposing the earring he bought for me. I was well aware of how much it cost him, since the price was one of the reasons I never purchased it, and although I never received a gift from anyone in my entire life, I understood the etiquette behind accepting one.
"You don't want it?" He asked, looking down at his gift with a slight disappointment.
Shaking my head at him and contradicting the action with my words, I answered by telling him that "I want ya ta put it on?" Then I tilted my head away from the wall so he could get better access.
When he leaned closer to me to seat it where my old one used to be, I closed my eyes and combed his hair back with my fingers. The silky-fine feel of his hair, and his touch near my ear made me shudder somewhat involuntarily.
Then warily, I initiated my thoughts with a simple question. "Are we on the same level?"
"That depends." He answered, while breathing hotly into my ear.
"Mako…" I whispered, quietly.
"Meteor…" He replied, with a matching whisper and a subtle nod.
Yeah… We were on the same level…
"How much longer?" He asked, with a tight sound in his throat.
"Dunno."
Neither of us bothered to bring up the question of my uncertain emotional stability. On some level, I suspected he already knew about it to a certain extent anyway, and perhaps it was a discussion best left for another time.
On that note, he brought his hands to rest gently along my collar-bones, after he had the earring properly seated, and moved closer to my ear, so he could brush his lips along the outer edge and sigh lightly into it. "You've done it again."
"Mmmm…? What's that?" I asked, savouring the uncontrolled shivers caused by the warmth of his breath.
"You've put me in a position to where I have absolutely no control." There was no playful tone to his words, or any coldness or bitterness either. The only emotion in his voice was that which matched the confusion of his words. Then he slowly moved his arms to wrap them around me, as I responded with an embrace that wanted to comfort us both.
An apology wouldn't have sufficed, and a prayer would never have been answered. Sadly, we both knew those facts, since neither of us was worthy of either. And at that moment, I wanted nothing more than to tell him how I really felt about him. I wanted to tell him that what he believed I thought about him wasn't true, but the words just wouldn't leave the box they were locked in.
Somewhere along the lines… I guess I'd lost the key.
Gaia… Help us both…
With a broken whisper, I did my best to substitute what I couldn't say, with an offer to express it instead.
"Make love to me, Rufus…"
If nothing else, it would have to suffice for that moment.
Revised: June 21, 2008