Disclaimer: I do not own AHS.

A/N: Hi, guys! Thanks so much for all your praise. I want to update as much as I can because I start spring semester next week and I want to be sure I can update as much as I can before college once again consumes my life, so here is the new chapter a little early!

On another note, I was just thinking the other day how Dear Johnny was supposed to be much shorter than this. It's a few chapters short of 30 (Dear Father ended at 32 plus the alternate ending). I had originally planned for Johnny to be at least at the age of 4 by now but I totally derailed and he's not even 2. Oh well, I guess Dear Johnny will be around for a while longer. Hope you guys don't mind!

Anyway, please enjoy!

xxx

CH 25– No Light, No Light

xxx

Lana did not arrive the following morning. She stayed in the office all night, burying herself in memories of the boy. When morning rolled around, she stepped out of the office before anyone had the chance to see her. She didn't want to face the looks of pity and sympathy of her coworkers. She simply did not want it. Instead, she strolled around the city of Boston without any real purpose. She often felt like a ghost, lingering amongst the living and it was unbelievable how useless she felt without the child. Lana would have never thought there would be the day in where he would mean more to her than her career, than her friends, than herself. He really had become everything and she felt like such a failure for letting him slip so easily through her fingers. She had fought greatly but the tide was against her, slamming her against the rocks without any mercy.

The cosmos were mocking her again. And Lana couldn't help but to wonder if they would ever set aside their cruel jokes and stop using her as target practice.

She ended up roaming the park by noon. She walked along the trees, her arms crossed as if holding herself together, too afraid to fall apart in public. Lana sat on a bench, dropping herself upon it without any care. She reached into her purse and brought out a cigarette. She tapped it lightly, placed it between her lips and lit it ablaze with her lighter. Inhaling the warm smoke seemed to work from time to time. Lana had quit months prior, knowing how much it bothered Johnny. She could remember the faces he made when she'd pick him up and smelled like smoke. She would have smiled if she hadn't remembered that he wouldn't be waiting for her when she returned home.

Home. Lana had no home. She had left the only house Johnny had ever known, driven out by forces greater than her. Now she was living with Barb and Louis like some kind of deadbeat, even though she spent the majority of her time at work. She felt out of place, without anything to do. She had no diapers to change, no messes to clean, no tantrums to settle. She felt absolutely useless. All she did was think about her son and wonder how he was faring without her.

He had dropped his little moose, leaving it behind with her. Lana worried because he couldn't sleep without the damn thing. She wanted nothing more than to see him if only for a moment and to give him the moose so she could be left knowing that he was sleeping soundly.

Lana glanced out into the playground where children much older than Johnny were playing. She saw their mothers hovering over them, wearing proud smiles because it was their day. Mother's Day. Lana hadn't thought about it since she saw it marked on the calendar the night before. It had then occurred to her that she had never celebrated it before. Not even the year before when Johnny was only but five months old going on six. She refused to celebrate it then, seeing no real purpose to do so. It just didn't interest her. Lana regretted it. She hated herself for not spending that special day with her special boy when she had the chance. However, she had taken him for granted then. She didn't love him the way she did now. After all, she was thinking of the way she had been abused by his father. The memory was still sickening and she still struggled to see beyond that. But now, now all that didn't matter. She could care less because he meant more to her than anything and his conception was a thing of the past.

But Lana couldn't help but to remember.

MAY 1967

Johnny had been fussing in his bassinet for a while now. Lana had refused to pick him up for she did not want to coddle him. She had been thinking a lot about the woman's offer at the hospital when Johnny was born. There was still time to change her mind. Of course, it had been six months since then but Lana had not adjusted. She still struggled.

The calendar marked the 10th. Lana ignored it. According to the page on the wall, it was her day. She was a mother, but Lana didn't feel like a mother. She hadn't made a connection with the baby boy in the bassinet. She had no reason to celebrate such a day. She hadn't even thought of giving her own mother a call but that was due to other separate reasons.

Lana typed away at her typewriter, she had no time to waste on such silly holidays. She didn't even bother with New Years or Easter, so she as sure wasn't going to bother with Mother's Day.

The baby stirred again. He had just discovered his feet and was widely fascinated by them. He stuck them in the air and grabbed them with his hands. According to the baby book, he was becoming aware of his surroundings and grabbing everything he could. His main focus that day: his own feet. The day before it had been Lana's nose, he had tried to reach for it when she breastfed. She still hadn't been able to wean him.

His little baby babbles distracted her from her work. She looked over to the bassinet and sighed heavily. He was distracting.

Lana stood and walked over and sure enough he was fussing with his feet. His fingers were intertwined around his little toes and his brows pulled together in concentration. She looked so concerned over his own limbs. Lana noticed the freckle he had at the bottom of his foot. She had a similar one too. Johnny's doe eyes landed on her and she felt her heart flutter. He smiled instantly and kicked his legs, cooing excitedly. He already loved her.

"What are you doing?" She asked him a little condescendingly.

Johnny wailed his arms around as he kicked his legs. He babbled nonsense in response.

There was a knock on the door just then and Lana looked up. She sighed heavily for she wasn't expecting any visitors. She walked to the door and looked through the peephole not in the mood to talk to anyone. She couldn't see anyone there so she opened the door.

"Hello?" She looked down the street where the mailman was making his way down. Lana's attention was then brought on to her porch where she saw a small little cactus with a note attached. Lana frowned lightly and bent down to pick it up.

The note read: Flowers are overrated, so here's something that won't die on you. Happy Mother's Day, Winters. – Lou

Lana's eyes went from the note to the baby cactus. She sighed heavily, "Lou, you son of a bitch." She crumbled the note in her hand and closed the door leaving the cactus out on the porch. She walked back to her desk and threw the note in the trash next to her desk.

Johnny began to cry. She went to him and picked him up, annoyed and not in the mood to hear him fuss for her attention. She settled him on her hip and his hand instantly went to her nose. "No." She said, pulling his hand back from her face.

Johnny grumbled angrily and grabbed her nose again. She sighed when he leaned forward to put his mouth on her cheek as to give her little kisses. She didn't know where he had gotten such behavior from; it was surely not from her.

"Stop it." Lana said, pulling him back. Johnny giggled and stuck his fist in his mouth and with his free hand reached for Lana's nose again. Lana pulled his little hand away again. "Will you stop?"

Johnny smiled behind his fist. Lana went into her room and sat the boy on the bed. He looked up at her with those big brown eyes and tiny little impish smile.

"Don't look at me like that." She said with a light frown. Johnny continued to smile at her. Sometimes, that smile didn't make it seem like such a horrible day.

Xxx

Lana sighed at the memory. How she wished she hadn't wasted such a special day with her little boy.

Xxx

JULY 1967

Johnny played in the large garden of his grandparent's home. He had settled from his tantrums long enough to become distracted by the new outside toys his grandfather had bought him.

Benjamin Winters stood on the lavish patio cooking on the grill. They were celebrating the warm Summer's Day. Johnny had become rather accustomed to his grandparent's presence over the past few months and had adjusted to his new surroundings. However, he still asked for his mother from time to time. Specially when Carol put him to bed or down for naps. Sometimes just randomly.

The Winters had also adjusted to their grandson. Once they figured out how to tend to his tantrums they became more patient with him. Ben boasted about his grandson to his friends at the yacht club and when he went golfing. Carol had received a phone call from her eldest daughter on Mother's Day in where Carol informed her of what had happened with Lana and how now they had custody of her son. At first, Margo was in disbelief of what had happened. She couldn't understand how her sister had a child if the reason why their parents cut her out was because she was a lesbian.

Margo announced her return to Boston with her husband, David sometime in the summer. Margo sounded unsure about the situation on the phone but she was reassured that it was the best thing.

Johnny sat on a little red ride-on car Carol had bought him. He turned the wheel and scooted back and forth.

"Voom! Voom!" He said.

Ben looked at his grandson and smiled. "What are you doing there, son?"

"Voom!"

"Do you like your car?"

Johnny babbled a response. He had been spoiled rotten with sweets and toys since he continued to behave better. Carol stepped out onto the patio with a plate of assorted fruits. She placed it on the patio table, grabbed a strawberry and gave it to Johnny. Johnny took it.

"What do we say?"

Johnny giggled and walked away with his strawberry.

"Hmph. Just like your mother." She muttered with a soft amused smile. Carol had been thinking heavily about Lana over the past few months. She saw her every time she looked at the boy. He had her eyes and her stubborn personality.

"Johnny, thank your grandmother." Ben told the boy. Carol let Johnny get away with every little mischievous thing but Ben did not. He was strict with the boy and made sure he wasn't going to grow up to be spoiled but respectful.

"Oh, let him be. He's just a baby." Carol said.

Ben was about to argue when voices came from inside the house and the patio doors opened.

"Hello?"

"Margo!" Carol smiled instantly at the sight of her first born daughter followed by her husband. Carol hurried to them and hugged her daughter.

"Hi, Mom." Margo smiled softly.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" Ben chuckled as he approached his daughter and gave her a hug. "We weren't expecting you till next week." He pulled away from Margo and gave his son in law and hug and a tight shake of the hand.

"Margo just couldn't wait." Margo's husband smiled sheepishly as he placed his hand on Margo's shoulder and gave it a tender squeeze.

"Yes, well, that's because—" Margo stopped when she saw the little boy standing on the patio watching them with big brown eyes. Her heart fluttered at the sight of the little boy in overalls. "Is that?"

Carol smiled. "Yes." She walked over and plucked Johnny from the ground and settled him on her hip. "This is your nephew."

"Oh my goodness. Can I?" She opened her palms, asking for permission to carry Johnny.

Johnny looked from his grandmother to his aunt. He had met so many strange people in the last few months that he was becoming used to it.

"Yes."

Margo took the boy into her arms. "Oh my goodness, look at you." She sat him on her hip and laughed, "Look at how precious you are."

Ben smiled proudly. "He's a fine boy, isn't he?"

"Yes. Yes, he is. David look." She turned so her husband could see the boy.

"Hi, Johnny." David said with a smile.

"Hi." Johnny said back.

Margo laughed, tears swelling her eyes. "You look just like her…"

Carol was about to speak up regarding the comment when David came to his wife's rescue and asked Ben what was for dinner. Ben was glad he asked and walked them over to the grill. Margo stayed behind with her nephew. She cradled the boy closely, marveling over him. Lana must have been missing him terribly.

xxx

Lana had been wandering the streets of Boston again. She and McNeal had spent a lot of time trying to get a retrial. So far, they were close. McNeal said they had potential to reopen the case and Lana was optimistic. It had been months since she had seen her boy.

She had tried to get visitation rights and had even considered to attempt some therapy sessions to be able to see the boy but McNeal informed her that even if she did, the possibility of getting those visitation rights would be difficult and it would take months of sessions for the judge to see her fit to visit her own son. Lana had thought things over and she didn't want to lie to herself or to others of who she was. She was tired of hiding her true self.

But she was growing desperate and listless. She needed to see Johnny. She had to. During the nights she drove to her childhood home and parked outside trying to gather the nerve to barge in through the doors and snatch her son. She was almost close to one June night when Lou stopped her. He had followed her from the office after she had another meltdown and stopped her right before she reached the front door.

"You will lose all your chances of getting him back!" He tried to talk sense into her, "Don't fuck this up, Winters. Think it through."

Lana knew he was right. If she broke into her house and kidnaped her child, she would never regain custody of him. So she tried her hardest and respected the judge's decision. It had been hard but she was sure she'd see her boy again.

Lana stopped when she came upon the baby store she often frequented in the downtown shopping center. It was the store where she had bought Johnny his first Christmas present. She still had the onesie packed away with her most valuable possessions. She paused in front of the glass and looked through all the little toys and clothes. She glanced down on to the window display to see a little bear wearing a blue shirt. She couldn't help but to think of Johnny and his moose. The moose was back at barb's sitting on the bed Lana now slept in. She hadn't unpacked her things for she was in the midst of getting a new place.

Lana had been looking at new apartments in the city. She wanted to be closer to work and farther away from her parent's home out in the suburbs. She never wanted to see them again. One of the apartments she had liked the most was a fifth floor apartment in the heart of the city. It was pricey but she could afford it. After, she planned to buy a house so Johnny could have room to grow and play but for short notice, a good apartment would be substantial. She had to prove to the judge that she could afford both a home and a child on her own despite being a single mother without the help and income of a man.

"Lana?" A voice snapped Lana out of her trance. She turned around to look at the person who had spoken her name.

The woman in front of her placed her hand to her lips; almost unable to believe who she was looking at. Lana's eyes studied the woman. "Ma- Margo?"

"Oh my God, Lana." Margo said, "Holy shit." She stepped forward and threw her arms around Lana, locking her into a hug.

"Margo?" Lana was completely shocked by the sight of her older sister. She hadn't seen her in years and almost didn't recognize her. "What are you doing here?" Lana pulled away from the hug.

"My husband and I are back in town. We have been for a few weeks now…" Margo trailed off. She looked Lana over, "Wow, Lana, you've grown."

"I could say the same for you." Lana said meekly. The last time she had seen Margo, she was standing in the hallway of their home as their father pushed Lana's towards the front door to never return. She remembered the look of hopelessness in Margo's eyes as she silently said goodbye to her sister.

Lana had held so much anger towards her sister for not being able to help her but over the years, Lana understood. Margo couldn't have done anything to change their parents' minds.

Margo looked up at the store Lana was standing in front of. Her eyes saddened. "So it is true."

Lana frowned lightly. "What is?"

"Johnny."

Lana's heart stopped immediately. Margo had heard the entire story through the phone and once again when she arrived back into Boston about two weeks prior, however, she had not had the chance to see Lana. Her parents wouldn't speak of her or even knew where she was. It was almost a miracle that Margo had come across her in the street.

"My son." Lana grabbed Margo by the arms. "You've seen my son."

"Yes." Margo grabbed Lana's hands in her own. "Mom told me everything."

Lana pulled her hands from Margo's grip. Her eyes fell to the ground. Margo stepped closer and placed a hand on her sister's shoulder. "Come on, you and I have a lot to talk about."

Margo took Lana to a near by park where they walked around the perimeter and talked. Lana told Margo everything she had done since she was kicked out of home. She told her about how she raised her own money for college, worked double jobs to be able to graduate and how she finally made it to her field. She told her about Wendy and Briarcliff, about Oliver and finally, about Johnny.

'They just took him from me." Lana averted her eyes, "I couldn't do anything…"

Margo scoffed. "Ben and Carol Winters think they can do whatever they want with whoever they please. They've always been that way." She shook her head, "I can't believe they'd go as far as to take your son. When I spoke to Dad, she told me you weren't capable of raising him. That you couldn't do it on your own. He made you seem so inept."

Lana was the next to scoff. "I can handle myself."

"I know you can." Margo smiled softly at her and stopped in the middle of the walk way. Lana stopped too. "Listen, when Dad kicked you out, I should have done something. I should have gone with you."

"You didn't have to sacrifice yourself for me."

"No, Lana. I did. You know why? Because when were girls, every single time I got in trouble, you always covered for me. You took the fall for everything. I remember when Mom found Billy Olsen in my closet and you told her he was there to see you? You covered for me so I wouldn't get in trouble."

Lana chuckled at the memory. "Well, I sure did give them false hopes with that one, didn't I?"

"You always took the blame for all the idiotic things I did but I never did the same for you."

Lana sighed. "Margo, we were girls then. If Daddy had kicked you out for being pregnant with Billy Olsen's kid, you know I wouldn't have gone with you."

"Yeah, well, I would have been Billy's problem, wouldn't I? Lana, you had no one."

"The past is in the past. There's nothing to apologize for."

Margo smiled. "He's beautiful." Lana looked to meet her eyes. "Johnny."

Lana smiled. "He is, isn't he?"

Margo nodded and placed her hand on Lana's shoulder, "You did the right thing in keeping him."

Lana's smile soon faltered. "But he was still taken from me in the end."

Margo shook her head. "Things aren't going to stay that way, Lana."

"What do you mean?" Lana frowned lightly, not knowing where Margo was getting at.

"I'm going to help you get him back. Mom and Dad aren't going to get away with this. They have no right."

Lana's lips parted in disbelief. "You'll help me?"

Margo smiled. "Yeah, I still owe you for Billy Olsen."

The two sisters continued to walk through the park. When Margo had to return home for her husband was waiting for her, she told Lana to meet her the following day and gave her an address to a place outside of the city. Lana had never been there before but she agreed to meet Margo there.

"Wait." Lana grabbed Margo's hand before she could leave. "If you see Johnny, please…" Lana bit back the tears and the lump in her throat, "Please tell him I love him. Ok?"

Margo hugged Lana. "I will."

Xxx

The following day, Lana took the address Margo gave her and drove to the place to meet her. Lana parked the car on the side of the street and stepped out. She glanced across the street where she saw a brownstone building with a large gated garden. The sign in front of the gate read: Kaiser Private Kiddie Academy.

Lana's heart jolted.

She quickly crossed the street and entered the gates. She met with Margo inside. Before Lana could ask her sister why she wanted her to meet there, Margo made Lana promise that she would not say anything. Lana promised and Margo led her to one of the classrooms.

Lana stopped and searched the tiny classroom. Children filled the room, playing with one another. Her eyes scanned their little faces until she saw him.

He stood in front of a tiny table with two blocks in his little, dimpled hands. He somehow looked bigger, as if Lana hadn't seen him in a very long time. But four months had been a very long time. Too long.

Lana put her hand to her lips, trying to contain her ever-growing smile and the tears that threatened to escape down her face. She just couldn't believe it. She was seeing her son for the first time in four months.

"Johnny." She called out to him, almost afraid that he wouldn't recognize or remember her. "Johnny?" Margo stepped aside so Lana could see the boy.

Johnny looked up at the sound of his name. As soon as his eyes landed upon Lana, his eyes gleamed and a wide smile spread across his lips.

"Mama!" He squealed, dropped the blocks, clapped his little hands and ran to Lana. "Mama!"

Lana knelt down and hugged Johnny as he came crashing into her arms.

"Holy shit, little boy," Lana laughed, surprised and over joyed that Johnny remembered her, "I missed you so much."

"Mama, Mama." He giggled as he buried himself in her arms. His little body almost trembled with excitement.

"Look at you," Lana marveled over him as she caressed his cheeks with both hands and brought his eyes to hers, "You're so big."

Lana's eyes swarmed with tears. She was finally holding her son.