Chapter 25

Nora regained full consciousness a couple hours later, awaking to the bright mid-morning sun. Her scales had quickly dried from the wet ground, and the bright sun began to melt the cold tension away.

"A…achoo!"

"What did I tell you," I reminded her. "You need to sleep in the shade when there's rain like this. You were sleeping on the wet ground and still almost caught a cold."

"But you were sleeping in the rain."

I chuckled, shaking the water off my wet fur and straightening out the muscle aches. "That's…that's okay. I'm older, so I can sleep in the rain. Young ones like you need to stay in the shade." That felt nice. Don't ask me why, it just did. It was nice to take of Nora. It was nice to see her happy. I was aching like crazy from sleeping out in the cold rain. When I had to suffer for her…it wasn't nearly as bad. My heart was warm. I wanted to smile, just as much as I wanted to cry at every little word she said. But I wasn't happy, really. Something better. Something I'd never felt before. That's why I can't exactly explain it to you.

Nora was excited to tell me something. "I had this crazy dream, I was at this frozen ice cap wasteland place, and then someone put a really nice, warm blanket over me. All he said was, 'don't worry dear, sleep dear,' over and over again. It felt nice. What did you dream of?"

It was quiet for a while. I stared at her. She stared back.

Then I just laughed.

"What?"

Couldn't stop laughing.

"What?"

I mean, I could barely control myself!

"Why are you laughing?"

"Oh…oh…hehe…it's okay. I'm…I'm all right…hehe. You'll find out later on." She must've been half asleep early that morning.

Oh, Arceus, that felt amazing.

"By the way…" she said as she got up, "…who's Henry?" Nora suddenly asked me.

"Henry?"

"You kept saying that name in your sleep. Really loud too. You must've been having a really bad nightmare. D'you know a 'Henry'?"

Fucking Arceus. Those big red eyes, staring back at me. They must've had some special chemical emitting from it, because I was just stunned, my whole expression, my whole body, everything; stunned by those eyes. I drew a blank. I just couldn't think when I my eyes were set on little Nora. "…Henry? Who's Henry?"

"I see, you probably didn't know." She giggled. "Was it a bad nightmare?"

I heaved an empty sigh. "I guess it must've been, based on what you told me. I…I don't remember anything."

And boy, did I run after her. I was wicked fast. I could go from one block to the next in twenty seconds, no joke. Nora was starting to run out of breath, but I kept on going strong. I just felt so much lighter. Like the weight of a whole life was lifted off my chest.

I switched the topic. "Have you had oysters before?"

"No." She answered quite seriously.

"Then let me take you to the coast…" I must've said. She followed as I walked towards the coast. Not that I knew where I was going: I just followed the sound of the ocean. It was calling for me, the melody of the gentle waves rolling into shore. Arceus, I love the ocean. D'you know why? You don't. Alright, I'll tell you. It was all because of…because of…because…shit. This can't be. Did I…did I…oh, what's the word…forget. Forget. Did I actually forget why? Why I Like the Ocean? Why I Like Warm? Do I like warm? I guess I do. Why am I having all these thoughts that just don't match together? I kept racking my brain as we walked.

Henry. I can't recall that name.

While the main part of Castelia has a deep harbor for ships, the pokémon section was further detached from the ocean and had these shallow, sandy shoals, perfect for oysters.

Nora was lying uncomfortably on the sandbank. "I'm hungry. Can we have ice cream at the spot we passed by on the way here?"

"Ice cream?"

"Yeah. Ice cream is my favorite food. They have so many flavors."

"Well, we can stop there on the way back," I reassured her. "Now, let's look for oysters."

I sat a few feet beside her, and watched as she started scouring the reef for them. I kept thinking of what it'd be like when Nora had her ice cream later this evening. I didn't have it as a young oshawott, but I've heard of this treat before. It's creamy. Thick. It melts away if you don't eat it fast enough. My eyes drooped low, imagining what it would taste like. It felt nice to think about it, sitting in the shallow water, imagining the creamy stuff in my mouth. My claws dug into the sand, I swear I could've exploded. Oh Arceus, Nora eyes must light up like crazy when she has this "ice cream"!

CRASH! A wave of cold seawater extinguished all the flames of desire I had built.

I snapped back to reality, eyes frantically sweeping across the coast. I caught a glimpse of Nora, who had drifted away from me to another part of the shore, the little brat. What is she doing!?

"Hey!" My legs carried me to her, faster than I thought. "That's not how you look for oysters! Now do it properly! And don't leave my sight!" I could feel tears coming out as I grabbed her tightly. Couldn't control myself.

"But—"

"I don't wanna see you more than two meters away from me, y'hear?"

She trampled the ground again, the way she had been doing; like a total brat.

"Do it properly!"

"No!"

"Do it properly!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"NO!"

"Yes!"

"NO!"

"I'm gonna count to three. Now, you better get in the water and dig those fucking oysters, or else!"

"NO!"

"Why!?"

"You said a Not-Nice word. I don't follow people who talk with unkind words!"

"Argh…get your motherfucking hands…in the water…and START DIGGING! Like that! Like that!"

"But…"

"Quiet! Do as I say!"

"I want ice cream!"

"You'll…get…ice cream…later! Now, you need to be digging and looking for oysters."

"Are you sure I'll find an oyster this way?"

"Yes. For sure."

"Positive?"

"Positive."

"How can you be so sure?"

I was starting to tremble. "…because I am!"

"But—"

"JUST DO IT!" I cut the little brat off. "Don't talk, just do."

I was helping her: one of my paws holding tightly on her left hand, another on her right. I moved her leafy hands the correct way, controlling how deep she dug, at what angle, at what pressure. They were like strings on a puppet; that's what it felt like, anyway. I'm new to this kind of thing, really. It felt such a big task to control something so little. It's tough to live two different lives at once. I was trembling like crazy, afraid I was gonna make a mistake. That didn't help matters. It was driving me crazy. The rich butter of information, constantly bombarding me, making me sick to stomach as hour after hour passed with not a single oyster found. The water was way too polluted for even those bottom feeders.

"When will we ever find something, Mack?"

"We will, Nora, as long as you stay close to me. You just never leave my side, y'hear me? I'm going wherever you go! Now keep sifting."

"Mack…it's getting dark. Can we get some ice cream?"

"…sure."

But even though we had failed, I would say she was still pretty content as we walked away from the beach. It was still early, and she had a little spring in her steps when she walked around. Her tail didn't droop. I kept staring at her face to make sure it was okay. You can always tell: if their face is upturned, she's in a good mood. If her face is the other way round—downturned—she's in a bad mood. Her face hit the lowest when we reached the ice cream cart, parked on the asphalt street.

"Where's the ice cream?" She managed to say as her breathing grew faster and shallower.

"The ice cream cart's closed for the night, Nora."

"BUT I WANTED THE ICE CREAM CONE!" she wailed. It was almost dark; the street was quiet. There weren't any streetlights—the pokémon section of Castelia didn't have that luxury—but I could make out the faint reflection of tears as they flowed out of Nora's eyes. Arceus, those fucking red eyes. How they seared my own with its pain, throbbing from those massive pupils. Her voice echoed down the empty street, each reverberation her cries seemed quieter and quieter…until you almost couldn't hear her anymore.

"I didn't have anything to eat this whole day, all because of you!" She fell to the ground, exhausted. She'd been exhausted before; it wasn't like that was hard for me to see. Somehow this time when she was exhausted, it was different. Just before a young pokémon falls asleep…collapsing with exhaustion, you always would hear the sounds echo in your mind: joy, the laughter, the boundless frolicking that render the young one tired and weary, making their bed wherever they jumped and bounced on it; so carefree. Nora was quiet. She had stopped crying really loud, but the tears were still trickling out ever so slightly.

"So hungry…so hungry…"

I felt sick. I turned to a bunch of topsoil beside me to throw up, but then I'm not sure if it was topsoil, considering it pitch dark by that time. Might've even thrown up on sleeping Nora. Had no fucking idea where I was going. I pulled out my seamitar. It's electric blue glow lighted the way as I held it in front of me. I couldn't see all the way forward, but I could at least see a few feet ahead. Then the next few feet. Then the next few feet. I didn't dare turn back and shine my sword over Nora, fast asleep. What I wake her again? What if I had thrown up on her? Arceus, I'd probably lose my balance or my grip, and give Nora to edge of my sword as the weapon slipped from my grasp. By accident. Only by accident. I stabbed the tip of my seamitar into the hard pavement. A predictable chip formed on the surface. I let the edge come to a thick tree trunk. The blade went just as far in as I planned it to go. Control. That's why I love the sword. The katana. The seamitar.

My eyes shifted too far to the left. It was Nora. Her scales were clean, fortunately. Only she'd been tossing and turning: her head dangled from the edge of the curb, and into the street. I quickly ran to her. I had to set things straight, before she got hurt. I got ready my seamitar. I lowered it down to the ground. Check. I placed it a couple of inches from her. Check. I moved in. Check. The blunt side of the blade touched her tender flesh; and I paused. The soft muscle even bounced a little when I pressed on her. I couldn't move her. I mean, I could. Of course I could, I'm not a…I could push her gently away from the street; that I was capable of. But that weapon in my hand—the one I had given to by Arceus, mind you—was sickening. I could push her away from the street, just as far from the street as I planned for her to be. Control.

I didn't have time to move away, my vomit fell on those shiny, aquamarine scales of hers. My legs lost their strength, exhausted. I've been exhausted before; it wasn't like that was hard for me to handle. Somehow this time when I was exhausted, it was different. Just before a old, fat pokémon falls asleep, collapsing with exhaustion, you always would hear the sounds echo in your mind: the depression, the sorrow, the utter despondence, that render the old one tired and weary, making their bed wherever they collapsed from tiredness; so heavy. I felt ten times heavier as I settled over the snivy's body. The control I had supported weighed down on me like a giant rock. What if I'd just let her have the ice cream? She wouldn't have been so hungry. If I'd just let her play at the seashore? At least she'd be happy. She wouldn't be sleeping in agony, saying

"So hungry…so hungry…" she muttered again.

"Shh…shh…go, erm, go to sleep…dear." I tried to place my warm furry body over her to keep her warm, but she got mad, and, half-asleep, pushed me away, an eye half-open.

I wasn't sure what else I could say.

"There'll be no hate…" I started singing. I can't sing very loud, but the street was so quiet my voice carried just fine. I could almost close my eyes; imagine I was in a nice, cozy room, with the young pokémon by my side, the seamitar being the soft glow of a nightlight.

"Hungry…" she mumbled.

"I shan't be late…"

"Hungry…" she mumbled again.

"To save the World."

"Hungry…"

"So, let us fight…"

"So…"

"Friends die…they might…"

"…hungry…"

"But we have won."

"So…"

"Let there be peace…"

"…hungry…"

"Let there…be sleep…"

"Mmmph…so hungry…" she said a bit louder, seeming quite irritated. She used the little strength she had to try to push me away. I gave in. I got up, but I never let her out of my reach, mind you. I always made sure the seamitar's glow was shining over her.

"Oh, fuck it!" my voice shouted, the noise echoing down the empty street. "If only I were with…"

I was silent. I tried again. "If only I were with…H…H…" My mind drew blank.

"So hungry…" I heard Nora again.

So hungry. So hungry. Gry. Gry. H…gry. H…gry. H...

"H…how!?" I pushed my head against a wall. Hard. So that blood came out, and everything was a blur. I've heard that this kind of thing can hurt your brain. My mind really isn't worth saving, though. Who'd appreciate a mind that had forgotten the name I had always remembered even more strongly than my own? I always remember!

"Always! Always! ALWAYS!" The street echoed again. Just to remind me how crazy I sound.

The past was a blank; what it was supposed to be. A bygone time, a mere figment of my imagination. Now is survival. Survival is good. Good is good. Good is real; the cold, empty pavement, shrouded in the black of night. This is real. I got up. Now. Now is there at instant; gone at every instant.

I left Nora to sleep. Her muttering was almost too soft to be heard: "So hungry…so hungry…". She was so strong, so brave. It made me feel good to see her so strong. I'm proud of her. I really am. I'm sorry I shouted at you. I'm sorry I made you do all those things you didn't want to do. I'm sorry I held your hand too tightly and never let you be free. I'm sorry…whatever I did to you, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

"…I'm sorry!" I said to her.

"Mmmph…" she groaned, rudely awakened.

"Sorry." I whispered, almost too soft to be heard. I'm sure she heard me. If I could hear her, she could hear me.

The color of my fur doesn't show well under the sword's harsh blue light. Nora. I'm so confused. I put it away, and stumbled my way down the street in the darkness. Not like it's any harder to see where I was going.

Walk back home, now. Step. Step.

But where is home?

I never had control to start with, did I?