Chapter Twenty-Four: I'm Not Fighting Anymore. This War I Started Has Finally Ended.
3 weeks after I let Nessie go.
I went back to Los Angeles with Naomi and settled back into our apartment with Drake and Sierra.
"Hey guys!" I greeted them and Sierra gave me a hug and I gave Drake our personal handshake.
"Ready to shoot our film Jakey-boy?" Sierra laughed. Sierra treats me like a little brother. It's weird since we're supposed to be acting as the main love interest in the movie. Kissing her would be an equivalent to kissing Rachel or Rebecca – just weird.
"Never been more ready!" I replied.
The doorbell rang. "Must be the pizza guy!" Drake yelled.
"So guys, what are we watching tonight?" Naomi asked.
"Whatever's on television?" Sierra replied.
"Jake. There's someone for you, Edward something?" Drake told me.
"Hi Jacob." Edward greeted me.
Talk outside, I thought. He nodded.
I didn't know what to expect. He was probably here to kill me or something.
"Jacob. You have to come with us. Renesmee doesn't want anyone else." He told me.
"No I can't. Haven't you noticed something different about me? My temperature is not raging hot anymore. I don't smell like wet dog anymore." I explained.
"You aren't phasing anymore." he realized.
"100% human. I'm not a werewolf. You didn't actually think I let her go because I stopped loving her. I was just thinking of what was best for her." I said to Edward explaining myself.
"You don't understand Jacob. Renesmee's broken. She's physically hurting herself. She's not eating, we offered her blood even and she won't even take that. She hardly ever comes out of her room. She loves you Jacob Black and damn it you need to fix her." Edward growled.
"No you don't understand. If she loves me, how would she feel in sixty or so years when I'm gone? She's stubborn just like Bella. She's also like you, how do you know she wouldn't try to kill herself like you tried to do for Bella? You have to understand my reasons." I defended my judgment.
"Are you sure Jacob? If you keep this from her it can hurt you. This can make you lose her forever," he stated.
"I won't be around forever. She will be. She can move on, get married and have kids. And I will move on too. I'll always have a special place for her in my heart. But this is for the best. I'm not fighting anymore. It's just too late for us and it was never meant to be I guess. Fate decided this for us." I told him.
"Don't let fate decide this. You can still be with her until you do die." He hesitated. "And there's always the other option. You can become one of us. A vampire." Edward said quietly.
"You think I would want to become a vampire? No. I don't want to become lifeless, never changing, frozen." I told him, No offence!
"None taken. But Renesmee, she wouldn't care what you were as long as you were together." He explained.
"This isn't about what I am, but who I am. You're asking me to give up my humanity – what makes me who I am today. If I changed I would never be the same." I told him defeated.
"Your humanity. I guess it is a bit hypocritical of me to even suggest that when I never wanted to take Bella's humanity in the first place." He admitted.
"Yeah so you understand my reasons?" I asked.
"I kind of understand. I know that you care for Renesmee. But think about it. You guys are soul mates. I'm sure sixty years with you is more happiness than an eternity without you." He tried to convince me.
"I've made up my mind. She may be full of hurt now. But she'll get over it soon. She'll be happy have a family with someone else. Even if I'm in pain everyday because I'm apart from her, even if she hates me, I will never regret letting her move on and be happy forever…" I drifted off and looked up.
He already left. Renesmee was hurting. But I couldn't give her what she wanted. I was bound to give her what she needed, do what she wanted, but I couldn't be what she needed or even give her what she wanted. For the first time, she wanted me in the way I had wanted her to want me. But I couldn't be that for her. More than ever I felt lonely, more lonely and lost than all those years I endured without her. A vast emptiness inside me.
But I know, that she'll smile again one day. She might end up hating me or even forgetting me. But I know that will be better than her hurting when I'm gone. She'll never have to know that I would someday not exist anymore. I'll be in the ground with a tombstone above me, leaving nothing on this earth except the impact I had on a person's heart – whether I made a good impact or a bad one.
Moving on isn't always about giving up. It's just me accepting there are some things that were never meant to be. I had to let her go to move forward in life. I never wanted to leave you behind.
I'll be with someone else – you'll be with someone else.
I meant it, I will move on too just like you. I will always love you Ness. My biggest mistake was leaving you in the first place. I'll always regret it but I'll never regret letting you be happy with someone else, Ness. And I'll never be able to forget you.
Love can be beautiful, love can be sweet, but most of the time love is painful. But is it really love that is painful? Or is it rejection, loneliness and just feeling lost? Sometimes the person you give your heart to is the problem or maybe just the wrong time. Our love, for me was so much like dying. I will never regret falling in love with you even though the heartbreak it caused me was worse than death – cause it kept me alive so I can feel the pain. I say I let you go – but my heart always held onto the pain that this love had left me. Whenever I can't take it anymore, I'll cry like I'm alone. I don't care how much grief I'll have to endure – just don't cry anymore. Let me take the pain. I hope you can be happy soon.
And all that's left of us is memories. The good times when I made you smile, when I made you feel better and when we were together. The bad times when I stood in the rain waiting for you, all the times you didn't come and the day I broke you.