"Can somebody at least tell me why Emily looks like she just went through a barbwire fence?"
Flanked both by Spencer and Aria, who stood like soldiers in guard and vigilance of a secret treasure, Caleb was leaning over his laptop on the table in the Hastings' dining room, a place where he'd never been before, trying to make a phone which he believed had probably been stolen or at least not legally obtained work; but his real intent was finding out why he was even doing this, because he didn't know yet and his not knowing really bothered him. He'd asked a couple of times and all he got as a response were sideways glances from all of the girls and abrupt answers from Spencer, the most articulate one, who insisted they couldn't tell him but needed his help desperately. And, in fact, they all seemed pretty desperate about this, come to think of it. All except Hanna, who was just acting very weird about it.
So he kept glancing at Hanna, both with curiosity and searching for her approval.
He wouldn't do anything if Hanna didn't approve of it, but it had been her who'd called him and told him to come here.
And here he was, with his pocket full of techno-magic.
"Because she did", Hanna answered from her chair across the table, with that annoyed, reluctant tone she always had when she didn't want to talk about something but couldn't resist giving some kind of information. "She loves running in the middle of the night. Right, Em?"
Emily rolled her eyes, a gesture she kept repeating tonight.
Hanna was giving her a hard time.
Spencer was giving her a harder time.
Or maybe it was the other way around. She didn't really know who was being harsher, because this was the first time Hanna even looked directly at her or talked to her ever since they managed to convince her to call Caleb; however, she was sure it'd be easier to crack Hanna back to nicety and sweetness. Or maybe not, because now Hanna was also really pissed at them over calling Caleb and putting him in danger and, since it had been Emily who had gotten the phone, Hanna's hatred of her had probably increased during the last hour. Either way, they were both being kind of mean. But they had their reasons.
Spencer, on the other hand, just kept fixating her stare on the laptop screen, apparently unaware of any part of the conversation that didn't have to do with the phone.
"She just", Aria offered, always the helper, "kind of fell when she went running."
Aria wasn't giving Emily a hard time, at least.
"I guess that's how she found the mystery phone", Caleb added, giving the words an ironic, skeptical turn.
Everybody went silent, not really wanting to explain how Emily's possible running into barbwire was related to the phone they were making him break into.
"So there are photos and videos in there?", Emily asked, trying to redirect the focus to the phone and only to the phone.
Caleb had told them it would take a while to download all of the files and documents that were contained in the phone memory.
"Definitely more than Angry Birds in here", Caleb replied, looking intently at Emily again but somehow mimicking Hanna's reluctant tone. No wonder they were a couple. "At least this time you don't smell like a Jack Daniels distillery."
Somehow Emily managed to stop the eye-roll before it happened. She didn't want to roll her eyes at Caleb. He was a good guy, he always somehow ended up helping them and, besides, it wasn't his fault that the girls hated her now.
But she blushed violently at the remembrance of that drunken night Caleb had witnessed.
"It wasn't whiskey", she mumbled instead as a response.
Spencer looked up from the screen to Emily's face, catching the furious blush that spread throughout her already dark skin.
It was only an instant, but Emily could feel the gaze stronger than gunshot in her heart.
"Rum", Spencer deadpanned, her eyes back on the screen. "It was rum."
Emily nodded, confirming the information, but the blush darkened her skin even more.
They both remembered Ashley Marin's rum a little too well.
"You guys should have marriage counselling", Caleb distractedly added, finding it kind of funny. He could feel the tension between them and he guessed it had to do with another fight. Even though the phone didn't really match that theory, so maybe not. "It's not normal to fight like that, just saying."
He wasn't keen on giving relationship advice, but it was the second time he witnessed these two in the middle of such a conflict, and he liked them both, despite Spencer's often too imposing behavior. Regarding Emily… there was really nothing not to be liked about her. Perhaps that she was a little too shy sometimes; or a little too guarded with strangers.
Hanna totally adored them both, though, and he could see it was reciprocal adoration. That was enough for him.
"And they're not even married yet."
Hanna seemed to get some of her mood back with this collaborative joke with her boyfriend, but the flight was cut short when Spencer directed her intense gaze to her.
"Well, thanks a lot for the relationship tip", Spencer appreciated in full sarcastic fashion, looking at Caleb after shutting Hanna up with her eyes, "but you're getting the wrong idea here, cause we're not fighting. It's something else we're worried about."
Here was Spencer's imposing demeanour that he didn't take so well.
"Whatever it is you're having, you should tell me", Caleb sharply replied, "at least if you want my help with this phone."
Spencer was opening her mouth to respond something sharp and sarcastic when Hanna interrupted the battle to try to keep Caleb from finding out more.
"Spencer's right, Caleb, they're not fighting", she singsonged, her dark mood dripping through the now fake sweetness, "it's just Emily preparing to audition for The Hunger Games."
Emily rolled her eyes once more at Hanna's passive-aggressive comment. That was more eye-exercise she'd ever done in a while.
"Will you stop it?"
"No."
Caleb looked at the three of them now. Aria seemed to be the only one keeping her coolness, despite her soldier-like posture.
"Or maybe you all need therapy", he offered now, sensing the increase of tension around.
"We'd better not go there", Aria muttered under her breath.
However, it was too much to ask from Spencer.
"Yeah, let's see if I'm not charged with murdering a therapist next time."
It was a joke but Emily's heart felt like it was going to pour out in chokes and tears up her throat.
She had been the one to go to Dr. Sullivan. But it had been Spencer who had almost been charged with murder and then had had to endure community service as a punishment for something she never did and they never understood. And she had worn orange and picked trash up the streets during the summer and who knew what else, because she'd never talked much about it, and Hanna insisted it was because she was a Hastings and she was too proud, and Spencer just answered when Emily asked that she just counted the seconds for it to end, and Emily remembered now Spencer's bitchy comment about wearing orange while they were arguing in the bathroom upstairs and it had stung so hard, and was stinging so hard still that it made Emily realize she was still feeling guilty about all of it. No matter how much she'd tried to give it a rational meaning, to place the blame on A, who was the real perpetrator of every disgrace they went through, she was still feeling guilty about everything. About Dr. Sullivan and about Spencer's community service. But not so much about this, about tonight. She couldn't feel that guilty about this. She had fought for A's phone - and won.
Everyone was mad at her anyway, so maybe she should - but she couldn't.
"Guys", Aria called out, "can we go back to the phone? We really don't have time for this."
Spencer and Caleb stared back at the screen in agreement with Aria, while Hanna crossed her arms defensively in her corner of the room, looking away from Emily's eyes.
Caleb pressed a couple of buttons and mumbled a couple of explanations nobody actually understood.
Then he looked up at Hanna again, disturbed by her defensive silence and distance.
"Hanna, you all right?"
He wasn't really going to help them if Hanna didn't agree with it. And there was something going on with the four of them. That was, by now, clear.
"Yeah", Hanna answered, looking like she was not that all right but complying upon receiving Spencer's and Aria's meaningful glances. Then she moved uncomfortably in her chair. "I'm thirsty. Do you guys want something to drink?"
She wanted to do something that didn't remind her of her boyfriend being offered as a human sacrifice to A.
"Caleb?", she asked directly, looking at him.
But after she'd green-lighted him on the phone for the last time, he seemed totally involved in whatever was going on in the screen.
"I'm fine."
He barely glanced at her to answer and Hanna decided to stand up.
"Well, I'm thirsty, so I'm just gonna ransack Spencer's fridge."
Spencer seemed to react both concerned and annoyed at Hanna's intentions.
"Are you thirsty or hungry?"
"It doesn't matter. I just wanna search your house to keep myself busy."
Hanna was obviously in revenge mode over this whole Caleb thing and was starting to blame Spencer as much as she already blamed Emily, but Spencer felt glued to the table, to the laptop, to the phone and to Caleb, no mater how much she feared Hanna's ransacking impulses in her kitchen. She couldn't leave the place now. Her control-freak personality completely kept her from surrendering the commander-in-chief position to Aria or to Emily. So she watched Hanna leave for the kitchen, knowing it would be her father's expensive wine or her lunches for the week that would be gone if she didn't stop it from happening.
Emily watched Hanna leave too, feeling so iced out that she feared she might start trembling again. She hugged herself with her arms, a gesture destined both to protect herself and to warm up her body.
Standing across the table, apart from all of them, Emily directed her eyes to Spencer. She would've smiled at the way Spencer's lower lip was distinctively coming to life, doing its little nervous dance over and over against her front teeth, chewing in, hiding out every time some new data appeared on the screen, all the way while they waited for the phone to finally work and illuminate their path out of this nightmare… Yes, she would've smiled knowingly, lovingly, even wickedly at its cuteness and its sexiness if it wasn't because she was simultaneously trying to avoid Spencer's ice and to melt it somehow with her gaze. But it was difficult, and the ice wasn't really melting, if anything it was becoming more of an iceberg ready to crash against Emily's sinking ship. She guessed her eyes didn't hold the intense powers of combustion and destruction Spencer's eyes possessed. Well, she already knew that. If she could just go over there where they were, across the table, and take her hand in hers and hold it tightly… That would have worked in another occasion, but it wouldn't work now because they still needed to talk and she still needed to explain everything that had to be said. There was something else beyond the excitement that Spencer felt right now about the phone and it was hurting them, Caleb was right, Caleb had seen it too, Spencer had somehow pointed at it too in her response to Caleb, and she wondered when they could actually sit and talk it over, just the two of them, no one else. God, studying someone was exhausting… It was completely different from just observing them in awe and adoration. And then there was Hanna, who wasn't helping at all. And she was used to Hanna's helping hand and strangely awesome insights when it came to Spencer.
"Em, can you bring me a coke?"
The question startled her, making her jump a little.
Aria had asked the question and, when Emily turned a little to look at her, she saw Aria's big, candid eyes sending all the warmth and understanding Emily somehow needed to find in the room; or maybe just a little bit of them, the little bit Aria could provide from her position next to the laptop. She also detected in Aria's tone the subtle advice to follow Hanna to the kitchen and give peace a chance. Like it would be easy, for the look of it. But Aria was a peacemaker. Despite her independence, she always knew when to take the role upon herself, especially if Emily, who was the other peacemaker in the group, although in a completely different way, didn't seem to be able to execute her smooth-talking, sugar-coating, kind-and-understanding predestined role. Since that was the case right now, Aria decided it was a good idea to send Emily away from Spencer's icy demeanor and to try to restore the goodness with Hanna, figuring that would actually help.
Emily nodded and left.
When she walked into the kitchen she found Hanna storing different packages of food out of the fridge in order to make a sandwich, or so she guessed once she also realized there were slices of bread spread all over the kitchen counter.
Hanna looked up at her once she caught a glimpse of her barbwired appearance.
"Do you want one?", she asked curtly.
Emily approached the fridge and took out the coke for Aria.
"No", she denied, "Aria wants a coke."
There was a silence and Emily realized it was up to her to talk also on this front.
"Okay, Han, shoot it", she demanded, sounding perhaps a little too harsh. "What's wrong? What did I do that's so bad you can't even talk to me?"
"Can't you figure it out by yourself?", Hanna immediately reacted. "Since that's how you do everything now…"
Emily's umpteenth eye-roll automatically followed.
"Will you stop giving me shit with this?", she pleaded now, though. "It's already bad enough, okay?"
"It's not my fault you got in trouble with Spencer, Em", Hanna answered, understanding what Emily had meant. "And anyway you deserve it."
Emily looked hurt by those words.
"I deserve it? Apparently I deserve everyone's shit tonight."
"You do", Hanna agreed, unmoved.
She kept putting too many slices of cheese on a single piece of bread.
"Maybe you should learn from Aria", Emily argued, "because she seems to disagree with you."
"You know Aria, she'll never hold anything against you if you're not feeling okay."
"I'm not feeling okay."
Hanna finally looked up again, but only to glare at her in Hanna Marin's indignant fashion.
"Well, we're not feeling okay either, Emily", Hanna accused, trying to keep her voice down so Caleb wouldn't hear. "Maybe you don't care about your own life but I do, we all do. And I care about his life too, okay? I want him safe as much as I want all of you safe."
Her bluish eyes got watery and red with the mention of Caleb's safety.
"So are you mad at me because we had to call him or because of something else?"
"I'm getting sick and tired of taking care of you when all you do is go out and not tell us."
"I never asked you to take care of me", Emily proudly replied.
"Maybe you didn't", Hanna answered, "but Spencer did. And I live with you, you idiot. I'm supposed to know what you're doing, and she counts on me, and your mom counts on me, and I count on me, but you just leave again like it's nothing."
Emily sighed, feeling tears rush up to her eyes.
"I know it's not nothing, Han."
"She was freaking out after she got that text, Emily. I've never seen her freaking out like that." She paused to look into Emily's now also reddish eyes. "And you know she freaks out a lot."
She was referring to Spencer.
Emily nodded, but didn't say anything.
"But basically you're just worried about your HGH so… whatever. I'm not risking Caleb just because you're going crazy over this."
"You think this is just because of the HGH?"
"What else?"
"What do you mean what else?", Emily raised her voice a little now. "Don't you think I want you out of this as much as I wantme?"
"And it's Caleb's life worth that?"
"No, of course not", Emily answered, shaking her head. "As soon as we get something we'll go to the police and…"
Hanna glared at her, offended at the mention of the police.
"The police's already on Caleb… and on Spencer, and on all of us. Garret is the police, Em, which is the same as saying Jenna's the police, and you know that. Wilden's the police, and they're all dirty and they're probably all A or working for A. It's not gonna be so easy."
She took the three overcheesed sandwiches she'd made and stared at Emily once again, waiting for her response.
"Han, we're gonna figure this out. We need to know who A is."
Or at least the A whose cell phone fell while she was fighting with him or her.
"I guess there should be a we, right?"
This was proving to be almost as hard as discussing things with Spencer.
"There is a we."
Why did she have to keep trying to convince them there was a we for her all the time?
"I don't wanna talk about it now", Hanna shot, moving away with her three sandwiches, but then she turned again, regretting to be so harsh on her best friend. "I know we'll work it out, Emily. We will. But… you know, you just… it's too much with Caleb here and everything else. You really scared us tonight."
Without letting Emily respond, she turned around and left the kitchen, leaving Emily alone.
All by herself.
Since that was how she did everything now.
So basically Spencer had been terrified by her S.O.S message and by A's text, and Hanna had been terrified too, plus she felt responsible for her because they were living together and because Spencer put that pressure on her, and the phone was too low a prize for their fear, and Caleb was also in danger now, even though they were closest to A than they ever had been, and Aria was her only friend even if she'd probably been terrified too, but Aria wouldn't hold it against her because Aria was different, she wasn't so protective as the three of them were, she was more respectful of everyone's needs and particularities. However, she didn't live with Aria. She didn't kiss Aria either, didn't have sex with Aria, didn't observe Aria's lower lip in awe and adoration, didn't dream of Aria every day and every night. So that meant she was screwed.
With you.
Spencer might be right. She was the problem.
Besides, she didn't have the HGH original report, so there was a high probability A would release it, especially now that he or she might be totally infuriated at her over the loss of his/her phone. It was probably a she. It ran like a she. It was sort of small, like a she. But Emily didn't know for sure.
It wasn't like she was doing all of this only to save her own ass over the HGH, even if Hanna believed so.
Did Spencer believe it too?
Was that also a reason why she was so mad at her?
She sat on the kitchen floor, her back against the huge, grey metal-like refrigerator, and the tears finally flooded out of her eyes like they'd been waiting all this time for her to open the gates. But how she hated to cry like this, hidden behind a kitchen counter, the low voices of her friends sounding in the room next to her, so close and still so far away. Bending her knees, curling them up to touch her forehead, she hugged herself again, making her body little and round like the one of a baby, so maybe she could be scooped up and wrapped in someone's bigger, stronger arms. But that was a stupid idea. She wasn't a baby anymore. Her parents weren't here. She had just run for her life, she had just gotten A's phone out of a single battle that she wanted to win and that she had somehow almost won, and she wouldn't give up so easily, not anymore. It would take more than this to break her. It would take more. And A knew it would take more.
Someone touched her knee and she thought it would be Aria coming to check up on her and get her coke. Aria shouldn't see her crying over this, because she still had to be strong, she couldn't break down yet, so she didn't look up.
Aria grabbed her unharmed hand and squeezed it, long fingers entwining with hers.
Aria's fingers weren't long, though.
She looked up upon realizing it wasn't Aria who was touching her hand, entwining fingers with hers.
Your hand in mine.
My hand in yours.
"Don't cry."
That was all she said, but her eyes had softened up.
"I'm fine. I'm just really tired."
Spencer nodded, understanding.
"I still don't want you to cry."
"What are you doing here?", Emily asked through glazed eyes, but the tears stopped running as she wiped them away with the sleeve. "Phone's in the other room."
It wasn't easy for Spencer to leave her controlling post. As a response, she squeezed Emily's hand tighter and harder.
"I left Aria there."
"That's a really big step for you", Emily tried to joke, although it really was, "I thought you didn't want to look at me anymore tonight."
Had the ice melted just like that?
Spencer sat on the floor too, crossing her legs in the lotto position so she could face Emily.
"You think I'm pissed and that's all?"
Questions that did have answers.
Emily shook her head, denying it.
"I know you were scared. I know that's why you're so upset. Same with Hanna."
"I'm still scared, Em."
"Why? I'm here."
And I'm alive.
Spencer looked away, though, and for a second it seemed her features were hardening again. But then her eyes locked with Emily's, searching to really establish the flow of communication.
"What about my parents?"
Emily guessed she was referring to A's text. They'd been interrupted earlier, when she was starting to tell her about all of it, and Spencer just mentioned it like they could just pick it up from there, like there had been no interruption, like there was no phone and no Caleb and no Hanna and Aria. So she told her about the text and about why she wouldn't let the Hastings find out about this, and Spencer listened with wide eyes that sometimes sent flames and sometimes went cold on her skin.
"You're not dating my parents, Emily", Spencer whispered, interrupting the explanation, "you're dating me."
Family was important for Emily. Spencer knew this. She also knew Emily had taken a burden upon her shoulders to please the Hastings, or at least to not really bother them. But she never knew it was this important and went to this extreme.
"I know. But they are your parents, Spencer."
"And I can handle them. They won't talk."
"I don't want you to handle them over this", Emily said, feeling like she was finally able to talk about this, although it wasn't easy to do it. "I'm not a cheat, I've always been clean."
She was a swimmer. She was the captain of the team.
She was not a cheat.
She wouldn't be made into one.
"We will prove it."
"I don't wanna prove it, Spencer", Emily explained, "I'm not gonna give that power to A."
Spencer's eyes widened again at the comment, and her skin paled almost like it had paled earlier, when they were in the bathroom and she had seen the picture of her with the girl.
"You're… What are you trying to say?"
"Nothing", Emily answered, a little taken aback at Spencer's reaction, "just what you're hearing. There's so many things, so many texts, Spencer."
Spencer exhaled the air she'd been holding.
"What else did the texts say?"
"I'm not sure. It's you and me and Alison. There's something there about me, or about you, but there's also the pool, or the team." She paused, thinking about the riddles she'd found in the library. "Or maybe it's all just a stupid game."
"What about you and me and Ali?"
Spencer was looking kind of confused now. It was probably too much information.
"There were all these weird messages in the book over which I kissed Alison."
Spencer swallowed.
Emily had never told Spencer the details of that kiss, so she guessed she had to be cautious about it now. But she'd always been cautious about it. She always had to be cautious whenever she mentioned her romantic past with Alison, ever since that night Spencer said her beauty was heartbreaking and then confessed she believed Emily was going to break her heart just because Alison had broken hers… or something like that. It didn't really make any sense. But it was a delicate subject.
It was a delicate subject that required some kind of explanation now, though.
"You kissed Alison over a book?"
Books were Spencer's thing, so this probably was a surprise to her.
"Ali was reading it in the library when I kissed her", Emily explained, carefully choosing the words to be as precise and gentle as possible. "And it was the book A already used to send me another message when he… or she… whoever it is… outed me."
"What book is it?"
Spencer's mind seemed to be working overdrive over the significance of the book.
"Great Expectations."
Red colors started drawing shades and patterns all along Spencer's neck and face again.
Oh, no.
Not that kind of red again.
"Yeah", Spencer said, taking it in. "You never told me about this."
Because it wasn't important.
Or because it was, judging by this reaction.
"It's a stupid book, Spencer."
Spencer nodded, looked down and let go of Emily's hand.
"It's a stupid book A's using to send you messages about you and me and Ali, right?"
She looked right into Emily's eyes again.
Suddenly she looked so vulnerable and exposed.
God knew why Spencer would feel a book could really say something about them.
"It's a stupid book A's using to mess up with us."
Spencer nodded again.
"Is it working?"
"Of course not." Emily both shook her head and frowned at the question. "Don't get mad at me over this, cause it's not even my fault like the other things I did."
Like hiding the texts or asking for that girl's number or chasing A in the woods.
"No, I'm not mad", Spencer said, but she looked down again at her hands, not really knowing what to do or say now. "I mean, I am… but not about this. It's just… So Alison's Stella, right?"
Over a book.
Who knew she could look so ruined over a book.
"Spencer", Emily called, taking Spencer's hand in hers again, "it's a book. It was just there."
"Stella's the unattainable love ideal", Spencer analyzed, her voice so very hoarse and husky, "and I'm what? I'm… the hunchback of Notre Dame." She smiled crookedly at her literary invention, but her eyes said she wasn't really taking this very well. Then she blinked, remembering something. "Or Julius Caesar. That's probably more appropriate for us. At least we can say I'm attainable and practical as a romantic interest, huh? Although I'm a dictator who probably needs to be betrayed and assassinated in the third act."
Emily blinked too, trying to follow Spencer's line of literary thoughts. Whenever she thought of the hunchback of Notre Dame the Disney movie came to mind, but she guessed Spencer was referring to Victor Hugo's novel, which she hadn't really read. Anyway, there was nothing in Spencer that resembled a hunchback, cartoon or not. Or Julius Caesar, beyond that night in the summer when she was going to betray Spencer and she got drunk and she thought of Texas and of the movie theater and of the sex they wouldn't be able to have anymore, although they did have it later that night. Damn. They were thinking about that night a lot, tonight.
But A didn't know about Julius Caesar.
A wasn't in Texas.
Right?
Right. There were no allusions to Shakespeare or Julius Caesar or The Ides Of March in any of A's messages. It was just Spencer's mind exhausting itself, Spencer's heart breaking itself with the help of A's texts and of Emily's explanations.
She had to deactivate the literary discussion somehow.
"It's a book", Emily tried again, repeating the same thing as a mantra, "so it makes no sense, Spencer. Besides, everybody knows Shakespeare's better than Dickens."
Or maybe she was getting deeper into the nonsensical discussion.
"But Shakespeare writes about power, right?", Spencer argued, her eyes burning again with all the sudden meanings lighting up her head like flashlights. "So it does make sense."
No, it didn't.
"It doesn't." Emily squeezed Spencer's hand tighter just like Spencer had done before. "Do you really believe a book's actually gonna say something about us? About what we have?"
Spencer stared at her now, thinking.
"A seems to believe it's important."
Emily sighed.
"But it's not important for us."
Spencer nodded, somehow agreeing. Thank god. But she seemed still hurt by the book.
"You have to show me the messages. Maybe there's something there."
Emily guessed she had to be happy Detective Hastings was back. She'd rather deal with that than with obsessive, literary Spencer.
"I will", Emily assured, "they're in the library… And the picture's in my car."
"What picture?"
Upon seeing Spencer's skin growing paler at the mention of another picture, Emily realized she hadn't explained this part yet.
"It's a picture of me in my sharks uniform after a swim meet. It's about the team or the pool."
"The HGH."
Emily nodded.
Of course it was about the HGH and about winning and who knew what else.
Looking at their intertwined fingers, her forehead furrowed as she thought of her next words, Spencer raised both their hands to her face before locking eyes with Emily once again in that particularly intense, challenging manner of hers.
"You know? I was serious before when I asked what you're gonna do next, Em."
In the bathroom. Emily knew Spencer had been serious.
"Im just gonna… We're gonna follow the clues we get in the phone."
"Yeah", Spencer replied, like that part was obvious. "Besides that. Caleb's downloading everything but he says the files might be encrypted or whatever. It might take a while. And if you did all of these things to get your report and you didn't get it, I wanna know what you're gonna do next. Cause I can't make you promise something you're not gonna do anymore and…" Even though she was good with words, she struggled to get these out. "It scares me not to know what you're gonna do or what you're thinking."
Apparently, scared and all its derivations were one of the most repeated words tonight.
Both Hanna and Spencer were scared by what Emily had done. But Spencer was also scared by what Emily might do in the future.
Was that it?
"I'm…"
"Something's changed", Spencer interrupted. "When you first learned about the HGH you wouldn't…"
"That was before we were dating."
"Exactly."
They both stared at each other, trying so hard to read each other's mind.
"I'm not gonna give you up", Emily blurted out, but it came out so firmly. "All of this that I'm doing… it's because of us."
She thought Spencer was going to be relieved, but it didn't look like she was.
"If it's so bad…", Spencer struggled again, "it's worse than we thought…"
Now it was Emily's turn to panic.
"You can't seriously be saying you wanna give up on us."
Spencer's eyes widened in shock.
"No", she answered quickly, "no, that's not what I'm saying."
Emily's heart started beating again.
"Then what are you saying?"
Spencer breathed, and this time her eyes filled with tears that she choked back.
"I don't know what I'm really saying", she admitted, "I just wanna know what you truly think about this. Cause I can't ask you to do something I want you to do because you won't do it anyway, right?"
"Spencer, it's not like that."
"But it is", she asserted, "it is like that."
Truth could be seen from so many different perspectives.
"You can always ask me to do something and I'll always try to do it."
And that was also the truth.
"I don't want you to do this again."
"But I won't do it again." Emily paused and thought it over. "Meaning: getting into a trap or chasing A alone, I know that was stupid. Or hurting you. I'll never hurt you."
"This already hurt me, Em."
Emily grunted in frustration.
"But it's not… it's just because you were scared and because I broke our pact."
Spencer knew what that meant. There was no pact anymore. The pact was over.
"There's no pact anymore, Em, let's be honest", she said. "Maybe there was never one."
"So now what? We're just running free, there's nothing between us?"
The sound of those words scared her. There was a pact. Maybe it had never been that pact, the one they thought they had ever since that summer night, but there was another one. Right?
"What do you mean nothing?"
The words had also scared Spencer.
Scary words.
We're in this together, we're not free, we're not alone.
There was a we for her all the time, and she cared for it more than anything else.
"I didn't mean to hurt you", Emily said instead, "I did it for us, but I got scared too."
Spencer fixated her stare on her, almost like she was hammering her into the fridge door.
"You must've been really scared", she said, her voice cracking. The admission seemed to hurt or scare her even more, though. "If something bad happened to you… I just couldn't…"
She trailed off, and Emily held her hand tighter because she knew.
"Nothing bad happened."
"I couldn't take it", Spencer finished the sentence, "I wouldn't."
Emily knew. But knowledge was not enough sometimes, so she moved forward in search for contact. Hands were not enough. Hands were good, but sometimes you just needed to use your whole body.
"Come."
She still needed to ask permission, though: for contact.
But Spencer shook her head no, refusing to allow more contact right now. She was probably afraid she was going to break down, they both were going to break down and they were in the kitchen and there was a whole phone operation going on in the Hastings' living room.
"Spencer…"
Emily's voice came out broken because she needed the contact and knew Spencer needed it too. But she wasn't being allowed to have it, so her movement was cut short like a bird shot and dropped down the sky, biting the dust for the second time tonight.
Spencer coughed the lump in her throat away.
"I can't cry now", she explained, her voice broken too. "And I still need to know what you're gonna do, Emily."
"I'll do whatever it takes to be together."
A we.
That was the real pact between them. The one she'd always stick to.
"We're talking in circles", Spencer complained, getting impatient like she always did when Emily wasn't clear enough. "I don't know what that means."
She started to get up, agile legs pushing her body away, plugging the contact away, cutting it off.
"I can't tell you something I don't know yet."
"No, but you can tell me what's on your mind and you don't", Spencer replied, annoyed. "And I know it's hard for you but I need to know. You owe me at least that."
You owe me more than that.
Debts and fines.
Not an apology, not only an explanation, but a plan, a line of action the two of them could rely on. That was Spencer.
Spencer needed action, plan, strategy, calculation. A pact.
A pact she could not only rely on but direct and manage and control.
"I…"
Emily had no plan.
What was on her mind?
She believed she'd said everything that was on her mind.
Or maybe not.
Still sitting on the floor, Emily looked up.
Suddenly the words came.
"I'll quit the team before I get kicked out of it."
Suddenly the truth.
She'd been thinking about it ever since she received A's text about the HGH, but her mind kept rejecting the words, the actual words and its consequences.
But those were the words and that was one of the plans, if the other plans didn't work out. If the phone didn't work out.
Spencer seemed speechless after hearing the words and the plan.
And pale.
"You're kidding."
It came out metallic, but choked.
"I'm not saying I'm gonna do it, Spencer. We have A's phone. It's gonna work."
"Just because my parents might find out?", Spencer growled now, pure impatience and despair in her voice again. "Is that it? Seriously?"
She knew Emily might say something she wouldn't like hearing, but not this.
"No, not only your parents", Emily argued. "It's senior year, Spencer. If I'm kicked out of the team I won't… I'll never make it back in time. And I won't take that."
Spencer leaned against the counter, almost as if she needed something else to support her body or she would fall.
"It will kill you." All of a sudden she seemed to fight with too many emotions at once. "You're going crazy."
"No."
She wasn't going crazy. She was just trying to fight. It'd be easier to go back to the team if she quit and nobody knew the reason. Then they could catch A and she could go back. There'd be no HGH. They'd be dying to get her back. She'd keep training and she'd go back and everything would be all right. It'd be at least better than having all the school thinking she'd used Human Growth Hormone to become the person she was.
And they still had the phone Caleb was working on right now.
"You're going out of your mind, Em." Spencer's voice was cracking and rising and losing the tune. "What's going on with you? When did you start thinking like this?"
Emily didn't know, couldn't trace it back to a zero point.
She was just trying to fight.
But Spencer seemed honestly scared.
Scared.
They were all scared of her - for her.
But she'd never been the kind of person who scared people away.
She got up too, so Spencer could see her and look her in the eye.
"It doesn't mean I'm gonna do it."
Spencer blinked away more tears. She couldn't cry yet. She couldn't allow herself contact and she couldn't let herself cry.
"I won't let you do it."
It sounded imposing, commanding - desperate too.
"Let her do what?"
Aria had come to the kitchen and was standing behind the counter against which Spencer was supporting her body.
"Nothing", Spencer answered, trying to cover up the truth and hide it away from the rest because it sounded so crazy and unreal. "Something stupid."
Aria nodded, not wanting to get in the middle of their conflict.
"The phone", Spencer said, like that was the only thing that mattered now, probably because it actually was the only thing that mattered now that Emily had actually said those words. "Did you leave it there with Caleb and Hanna?"
Like leaving it with them meant its self-destruction.
"Caleb says someone, meaning A, blocked it."
"What?" Spencer's question sounded like a howl in the night. "Did we lose everything?"
Aria quickly moved her head no.
"We have some files, but they're locked or blocked or something. He's gonna take everything home."
"No", Spencer refused to allow that, "no, it has to be tonight."
Things had to be solved Right Now.
"It can't be tonight, Spencer."
"But…" She seemed lost. So she moved immediately without laying eyes on Emily again. "Let me talk to him."
And she ran out of the kitchen like the kitchen was hell on fire and the phone was heaven safe.
Aria looked at Emily, who was still trying to grasp the meaning of her own words as much as Spencer's reaction to them.
"Em? You all right?"
"Yeah."
"You sure?"
Emily nodded.
Aria, her only friend.
But she didn't live with her.
But she didn't dream of her every night and every day.
"It'll be fine", Aria tried to assure, although she wasn't sure exactly what she was assuring, "Caleb can do it."
Nodding again in blind faith and naked acceptance, Emily leaned against the counter Spencer had touched some seconds before.
Aria's thin, small fingers subtly touched her hand, a different touch - but it was contact.
She pulled away, moving her hand, knowing she was going to break down if someone touched her, knowing she was going to cry, knowing she just needed to keep moving.
Plans and debts and fines.
Promises that had been broken and pacts.
There was a pact, the only pact that ever mattered to her.
Keep moving and spinning until all of this ends, because it will end.
It won't break you.
It won't break Spencer.
It won't break Hanna.
It won't break Aria.
It will take more to break us.
There is us.
Aria was not the kind to impose herself on anyone, but she was the kind to stick, so she remained there, her body a reminder of the contact Emily missed but couldn't have right now because she might fall into pieces of glass and she didn't want to, she couldn't. If Spencer couldn't, then she wouldn't either.
"Let's go", Emily said, her voice small but firm.
And they both left the kitchen to meet Caleb, the phone saviour, the redeemer, the man with a plan and a pocket full of techo-sand.
A/N: BIG, TRUE THANKS to all the reviewers because your reviews are a great help in writing the next chapter. I already know what I'm gonna write BUT it does help to know your impressions, what you're buying and what you're not. Big thanks to the readers who don't review too.
Karmen Sandiego: Sorry! I know, I know... I'm mean so you have every right to hate me. I'll just say it'll get a little better, then it'll get SO MUCH worse than this. Like, a lot worse. But I promise everything will be good in the end. I shouldn't say anything but I guess you guys know already... It'll be fine.
snakeyninja: More drama is coming. And more jealous Spencer too... later. We did get more of insecure Spencer here, right?
dmpanda5: Thanks :) So I gave you the Hanna-Emily confrontation... But you're right, there are things to mend still on both fronts (Spemily and with Hanna) because, basically, the action is moving and they all keep making decisions.
sieamberc: xD Oh, I read a lot of updates of other fics while I'm half asleep and then I have to go back, read again and write a review when I'm really interested... so I get it and I thank you for it. Spencer's totally aware Emily's such a catch, but having it in front of her face must hurt... although I don't think Spencer's insecure about her beauty or her looks, I agree there's a core of insecurity about Emily that's clearly appearing now. And, about Emily being a fighter, yes! I agree Emily's gotten a lot of strength from Spencer, the same way Spencer's gotten more understanding thanks to Emily. But they're both who they are.
elmopll: MORE ANGST! "Perfectly conflicting each other": it makes perfect sense to me! No, really, it does. That's how I try to write it xD Thanks for your comment on writing Emily, because, for me, she's so much harder to write than Spencer, which doesn't mean I write Spencer better, I probably don't, it's just that I rewrite Spencer less. Emily always gives me lots of doubts and forces me to rephrase a lot xD Oh, and they'll probably take your advice... very soon xD
Waves of Rage: thank you :) I'm glad you liked Spencer's attitude!
x-sugarfree-x: yeah, I feel sorry for them too xD The hug didn't come yet, but it will... and "more" too.
LaughLoveLiveXx: thank you! I loved that you mentioned the "words" thing because that was exactly what allowed me to make it so Emily-centric and at the same time to keep the focus on Spencer. Emily's been trying to become so much more expressive for Spencer since the beginning of the fic, so that's definitely there. I know I'm giving a lot of space to Emily now, but we'll get Spencer's perspective on things in a while too. And thank you for mentioning ALSO how much Spencer cares and how loyal she is because that was exactly what I was trying to convey in the chapter; and in this one as well.
anon: It will happen, eventually... :)
Maxi-Luca: LOL! Maybe you're right and it's warm water! Actually I searched info about dressing wounds in the internet, but I just assumed the water should be cool because... whatever. I just made it up basing on my weird common sense that bleeding noses should be treated with cool water. So you think Spencer went overboard? Hmmm, interesting. Well, I guess you guys can take sides, but I think they BOTH have a point and that's the problem. Sure, Spencer totally went behind Emily's back with Wren but, if we stick to the letter of the agreement, she didn't completely break the promise. She was condescending, sure, which was part of the problem with Emily and Emily surely used that to act on her own, but Emily did break the pact completely. Although she did tell Spencer about the girl even if A didn't send the picture, while Spencer said she would've never told Emily about Wren if A hadn't sent a picture... On your thoughts about Hanna and Spencer, I'm only gonna say I CANNOT AGREE MORE. I subscribe every word you wrote. On the Caleb/Emily bromance... I think it's not gonna happen, although I wish you'd include it in your fic because I sort of long for one too. There's a Spencer/Caleb scene planned that I wouldn't describe as bromance but it's gonna be somehow important if I include it.
Sora Yogami: Thanks for coming back to writing the review! Is Mother's Day a different day in every country? Because in Spain it's the first Sunday of May. Trust issues... Yes, that's gonna be in the fic... And you got it right again: Emily's thinking about Spencer all the time, but Spencer can't read her mind so she doesn't know how present she actually is in Emily's thoughts; but Emily did explain herself a little better during this chapter, although the ending was still bad... And there's definitely a core of insecurity in Spencer, and it re-emerged (perhaps more strongly?) during their discussion of Alison and Emily's kiss... By the way, thank you for your words on the chapters' titles! It's always one of the most enjoyable things for me to write, actually! :)
Mona: :) Oh, there'll be plenty of fights... But this wasn't exactly a fight here, it was more of them trying to communicate better.
IxHeartxGlee: :))) Glad you liked Spencer! Because, since I'm writing mainly from Emily's perspective during these chapters, I really want Spencer's feelings to come across clearly...
Sorry about the long A/N but I think your incredible reviews deserved an answer. If someone feels bothered by the A/N he or she (or it) can just ignore it or tell me to shut up.