Jacob hesitated on the spot, he was contemplating something. I was looking into his dark brown eyes and I saw compassion fill them. It was a shock to see that in him, but at the same time it meant little to me.
"Please." I whispered again and reached out to him with my arms. "Don't make me suffer like this."
"What happened?" He asked standing awkwardly away from me. I could tell he was having a hard time breathing.
I sniffed, remembering everything that had just happened. I began to 'cry' again, when I felt that my face was wet I was surprised, but when I looked up I realized that it had begun to rain. Jacob inched closer to me and kneeled down in front of me, his heat radiating off of him began to snake it's way around me. I was uncomfortable, it was a foreign heat. Not the one I was used to.
"Bella." He said again. This time he took my arm and lifted me to a sitting position. "Are you going to tell me what happened?"
"He's...gone." I whimpered and shook my head. "They are gone."
"Who?" he asked. I looked at his face. "Oh... It's a good thing, he was affiliated with the wrong crowd." I don't think he understood what he was saying, and it angered me. What was he talking about?
"I am the wrong crowd!" I yelled. "What do you care any ways! You don't know what it's like!"
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way." He apologized. I stood up then and he did also.
"Why couldn't you just kill me?" I asked sobbing more. "I just want...to...die."
"I can't do that you...not like this." he said, his voice trailing.
I walked to him closing the distance. I realized he, at least, wouldn't do anything unless threatened. I slapped him across the face. When he looked back to me his eyes were wide and he began to shake uncontrollably, but nothing happened. He composed himself well enough.
"Not like that either." he said his eyes locked on mine. They were fierce.
"Please, Jacob." I pleaded. "I have nothing else to...live for. I lost him. For good, and it hurts. Can't you see it? I can't live like this anymore." I don't know the expression that what was on my face but he seemed to soften a bit...not the reaction I had in mind. He put a hand on my shoulder.
"I cant." he said simply.
"I'm on your land." I stated.
"That is true." he said. "But...I can't." he paused. "Right now, despite the smell, you are more human than I've ever seen before. Than I've ever thought any of you could be."
"I'm still a monster."
"I know...but I also want you to understand something. I met you before I began to change. You were my friend before hand...I can't kill you, the way I see you didn't change much."
I looked away from him hearing and trying not to listen. But it was futile, I would listen like it or not.
"Yes, we should be enemies, and you would be...if you ever tried to kill me, which you didn't. You never posed a threat to me, and when I found out you were what you are, through the pack, I didn't want to believe it. That is why I ignored them for the most part of weeks...then you confirmed it." He paused and ran his fingers through his hair. "This is so hard! I cant kill you no matter how much I should! How much I need to."
"Don't strain your self." I said. "Just do it."
"Bella I care for you...like a friend."
I couldn't help but feel he was lying to me. He moved closer to me and in an almost blur he wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug. "I really do." he said. "I would even hug you no matter how deathly cold you are. And how much I hate it."
"Please let go..." I said in a whisper. "I can't stand the heat."
"Sorry." He said letting me go. "I wanted you to know, to understand that I do care for you."
"You should forget about me that way." I said. "It won't do you any good."
"I know." he said, and I saw his face turn fierce. His expression changed and so did his body language. He looked like a soldier then, and it made me feel awkward to see him this way, because he was always happy, or bright. It was disturbing in a way.
He looked up then and sniffed the air. I didn't dare breath, but in the distance I could hear more approaching. He ran away from me into the forest.
Seconds later Jarred, Paul, Sam and Jacob emerged as wolves. Jarred and Paul began to growl the moment they saw me. I ignored them.
"Would you please tell Jacob to kill me." I said looking at the wolf that was Sam. I wanted nothing more than to die. Why couldn't they see that? I lost the only person I really cared for, and I didn't even know the reason why. Why did he do it? It was so hard to believe his reason. It was lie, it had to be a lie.
He whined and then retreated to the forest with Jacob, leaving me with Paul and Jarred.
"We can't kill you like this." Sam said as he came back with Jacob dressed in shorts.
"I told you." Jacob whispered.
"Why?" I protested. "I can't be like this...he was going...to be my...mate." I put my left hand to my chest and held the place where a beating heart once was. The same heart I used to think could beat again when Edward was around. It only made the hole that much larger, and it hurt. I was alone and I was doing nothing about it.
"You were going to turn him?" Sam asked.
"No...well...I was supposed to...our future was supposed to be...together." my voice cracked and I shook my head again. I fell to the floor and curled into a ball. Why was this happening to me? What did I do to lose him? I couldn't understand his decision to leave all of the sudden. I should have done something to stop it. A song started in my head just then, it was a song that I had only listened to once, at happier times, but I remembered it then. "And if you go, I want to go with you...and if you die I want to die with you, take your hand and walk away..." I sang softly.
"Bella?" Jacob asked reaching for me and lifting me with ease. "When was the last time you fed?"
"Who cares!" I yelled.
"Come on," Sam said taking my arm. "You need to feed."
I felt my eyes widen. "No...no...no...please! Don't make me. It's the only thing I have left of him." I said remembering my birth day and the glass he had given me with his blood. It made sense to me then why he did it. He had planned this long before. "I can't!" I screamed in protest. Just then a phone rang. Sam pulled out a slim black phone and answered it.
He temporarily let go of me and walked a few inches away. I turned to Jacob. "Please don't make me." I pleaded in a whisper. "If you won't kill me, please let me stay like this at least."
"How long can you last?" he asked.
"I don't know...but I don't care...it's all I have." The rain poured on us all like a water fall, non stop. I was looking into Jacobs eyes, pleading, but I never got to him. There was a wall there blocking me from him. It was hard to have him do what I wanted now. "Please."
Sam came back closing the phone and putting it back in his pocket. "That was Billy." he said. "Charlie has a search party out looking for you and he asked if we could help."
It was late, now that I looked up at the sky. Time had passed while I fell into a deep sorrow.
"You should feed." Sam said again. "We'll go with you."
"Pretty much, we won't leave you alone until you feed." Jacob said with a little smile.
I reluctantly went. I really didn't want to and I felt the last bit of him slipping away the closer I got to the hunting grounds. I felt him more far away than before, more lost, more...gone. When we got there they really didn't leave me alone, they were right behind me as I hunted. I didn't feel like fighting for my food so I went for small rodents, like field mice or rabbits. They watched me the whole time, there wolf eyes staring at my every move. When I was finished we went back to forks and the forest where Edward had left me.
"Now what?" I asked, my voice was monotone, I felt like I had just lost it all, lost the last bit of him.
"Go some where, deep in the wood and wait..." Sam said. I didn't notice when he shifted beack. I turned and left without a second glance or thought. I did need time to think to my self, or to fall in grief. When I reached a place that was familiar I sat down and hugged my knees. And waited. This was it, this was my ending. My life would never be the same. I began to reminisce. I would never have those warm lips touch mine again, never have his arms hold me tight. It was a lonely day, and it was mine.
I wished Edward would clarify the reason why he did it. I remembered his cold eyes, so inhumane. So unlike himself, it was a side I wished I'd never met. I felt like he had no compassion towards me. I felt like he didn't care what it did to me. Maybe he thought I would forget. But I wouldn't be able to. I am still a girl with deep feelings, didn't he see that?
Minutes passed while I 'cried' for my loss. It really was over. After a few moments I saw flash lights, and then heard yelling.
"Bella!" I heard Charlie yell not so far away.
"She's over there!" I heard Jarred yell close to me.
Charlie ran to me and crouched down. "Bells. Are you ok?" He asked feeling my skin for any sign of fever he would never find. "You're freezing." I heard him say. "What happened?"
"He's gone." I whimpered.
"Did he hurt you?" some one else asked, it sounded like Sam.
Did he? I shook my head.
"Are you sure?" Charlie asked. "If he did, I'll hunt him down."
"No." I whispered.
"Can you walk?" Some one I couldn't identify asked. I shook my head.
I found myself unable to move. Why couldn't they take longer to find me?
"Lets get you home." Charlie said. When he moved in to pick me up, Jacob stopped him and he picked me up. Heat engulfed me at every angle and it felt wrong. I wanted to move but decided against it. It was easier this way. I didn't feel like moving
Once inside the house, Jacob placed me on the couch. "Breath." he whispered. Then Charlie quickly moved into my view.
"Are you ok?" he asked again.
"Yes." I said, breathing little breaths. In an instant I could smell everything. That distinct smells of the pack, the people in the house, and something else. Something familiar. That smell. Allice was here...in my room. I sat up.
"Bells?" Charlie asked.
"I'm fine." I said pushing out of the crowd that had accumulated in the small house. I headed to the stairs and Jacob was right behind me. The rest of the people crowding behind him.
"Bella." he said, looking at me like I was doing something wrong.
"Don't you smell that?" I asked in a whisper.
"You? Yeah."
"No...some one else." I kept walking ignoring his silent calls and the calls from Charlie.
I was outside my door and the smell was stronger now. I felt anger build up...the things I wanted to tell her. I put my hand on the knob.
When I opened the door she wasn't there. My window was closed shut and locked. It was her scent left behind. I closed the door behind me. My book bag was left on my bed. Just then I heard his sweet voice again.
"It will be like I never existed."
I felt panic rise up and began to search my room. The first thing I looked for was my camera. When I searched the pictures, more than half were missing. The pictures I took with Allice...Charlie and Edward...gone. I felt the urge to cry again. I looked at the cd player on my bedside and ran to it yanking off the little door. Gone. The cd of his compositions was gone.
The last place I looked in was a small jewelry box I had on my dresser. My hands were shaking when I approached it. I never had much jewelry, but something important was in there. I carefully took the little box and hesitated. When I opened the box I dropped it. The ring was gone as well. I fell to the ground and began to hyperventilate. Everything was gone...and I was sure the pictures I sent Rene were sorted out as well.
"...Like I never existed." I heard him say again.
I lifted my left arm to my face and the only thing there was the bright silver bracelet dangling, but even then, it had little meaning. It was the only thing left that was him, and it just made me feel more empty.
"Why?" I whispered.
I screamed, hitting the floor with closed fist leaving deep holes. The sound of breaking wood vibrating through the house. Within seconds Charlie, the Pack, and a known doctor were in my room.
"Bells!" Charlie exclaimed looking at the broken floor. He kneeled beside me, the doctor following me.
"Let me check her." I heard him say.
"Don't touch me." I hissed harshly. The doctor hesitated then stepped back. If I let him check me, then he would know I had no heart beat, that I wasn't alive. And that would be disastrous.
"Well...I can say she has mild hysteria, and she is in shock." He said walking farther away from me.
"Bells..." Charlie whispered.
"I'm fine." I said in a monotone voice.
"Bella." Jacob whispered from across the room. I twitched my head in his direction.
"Could you please leave me with Jacob, for a moment?" I asked in a small voice.
"No." Charlie said automatically.
"I said I was fine." I turned my eyes toward Charlie, hating myself for doing this to him.
Charlie hesitated but reluctantly left, every one else followed.
"Bella." Jacob said again.
"Yeah."
"We know what you are going through is tough..." he said.
"Of course you do." I said sarcastically.
"But that doesn't mean you should neglect your feeding. We want you to know that we will be following you to make sure you do. We don't want any 'accidents.' Understand?" he was that soldier I had seen in the forest, and I felt uncomfortable around him. He was changed, like everything else I knew.
"Yeah." His words meant little to me. Feeding was the last thing I could think of at a time like this. "I don't need your warnings or fake compassion. I understand what you are saying. But don't tell me you know what I feel like. Maybe when you find that person you want to spend the rest of your life with, then you'll understand."
"Who said my compassion was fake?"
I twitched in his directions. His words made little sense in my mind full of agony.
"You don't have to pretend..." I said.
"I'm not...I know it's wrong but I've always saw you as a...friend." He looked away from me. "Since I met you, when I came to droop off the truck. I do care." He said again.
I could see how uncomfortable he was. "Don't lie for my sake. We both know what you think of me now." I sighed. "I'd like to be alone, if you don't mind."
"Ok. Just don't forget what I've told you." he said and turned to leave.
"I can't." I said before he fully closed the door.
My life was changed dramatically within a few hours. Now what?
I laid down and hugged my pillow. I began to 'cry' silently, remembering exactly what his face looked like today, with no trace of regret, no trace of human emotion left. I felt more human now than ever before, and slowly I could feel myself fall like one. Fall into a deep dark hole of nothing-ness.
"I hate you." I told no one in particular.
I hope you enjoyed reading this. Now we all know that for October - January Bella is in a state of zombieficaition (is that a word ) That won't change. I was thinking about it, but decided against it. Instead I am going to go through with Edwards POV for the next 4 chaps. I hope I do a good job of it too. Edward will be staying in Denali for those four months. I wan tot write down what goes on with him, what he is thinking and what he truely felt when he did what he did to Bella. He will have some run ins with Tanya, so lets see how that goes. And I will try to Cram up one month into one capter so expect really long ones. If I cant then I guess I could do two Chaps per month...we'll see how it goes.
Origato! Roxanne Aka Roku