Chapter 25 So I'm going home

2 days later

"Savannah? Are you ok?"

"I'm fine mom. Just thinking." I replied quietly as I laid my chin in my hand and stared out the window of the limo as it drove along the highway, taking my mother and I to the airport to catch our private flight back to Stanford and so far since we left my house, the ride had been relatively silent. It was just her and I in the car, my dad and siblings had left a few days earlier to get back on the road and my mother was the one who stayed behind to travel with me. I had been released from the hospital just this morning with pages of notes from my doctors about what to expect these first 2 weeks as well as bottles upon bottles of painkillers that they insisted I would need. My mother had come back to my house with me to pack my suitcases for the month I would be at home and as I sat on the bed and watched her, I couldn't help but think that this was all too much and I didn't want to leave everything and everyone behind. But the time came when I would have to do just that and now here we were in the car on the way to the airport and I couldn't stop thinking. "It's just really hard to leave."

"Are you sure this is what you want?" My mother asked for what seemed like the millionth time in the last hour and she turned to look at me with curious eyes over something she had witnessed but just couldn't understand. "I mean, I'm sure..."

"Mother, I said I needed to do this and I'm going to do this. It's just harder then I was prepared for." I grumbled in response, annoyed that my thoughts had been interrupted by her and I slowly turned my body even more away from her so she would get that I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted to be alone in my head with my thoughts of the people I had just left behind at the house.

My mother had just finished packing my suitcases and they were being loaded in the car when Alex and Chris showed up along with Jeff to say their good byes to me. I knew they were going to show up even though I told them not to because I hated goodbyes and I didn't want it to be harder then it already was. But they came anyway and as my mother was getting things ready in the car, I was left alone by the porch with the three most important people in my life and forced to get through these last encounters with the last shreds of my dignity hanging by a thread. The good bye with Chris was the easiest to get through because he wasn't the type to get teary eyed or say anything to make me cry. He just hugged me gently and told me to get better and then to get my ass back here as soon as I could. It actually made me smile when he pulled away and got me a little prepared for the good bye with Jeff. That was tougher because he was the one who didn't mind getting all weepy in front of me since he considered us family. So when he hugged me I was prepared for him to not let me go for at least a full few minutes and that was exactly what happened. When he finally did pull away, he just tucked my hair behind my ears, kissed my cheek and then walked away with Chris to give Alex and I a chance to have a little privacy.

"Why won't you look at me?"

"Because I don't want this face to be the last image you see of me when we say goodbye." I told him, staring down at the ground and studied our feet and the bottom of my crutches just so I wouldn't have to look up at his face. I knew how horrible I looked, the bruises had only seemed to darken since that day I woke up and I didn't want him to see that as we were saying goodbye. I wanted him to remember how I looked before and not this broken mess. Leaving him behind was hard enough and if he at least could think of me before the attack then may be it would be easier. But it wasn't suppose to be that way as I could feel the tears brimming my eyes anyway. I felt his hand come up to my chin and lift my head up so we were looking at each other anyway and the moment our eyes met, I felt the first of the tears begin to roll. "I don't want to say good bye to you."

"Then don't. Just say that you will see me later. Because technically a few weeks is still later. Granted it is a very long later, but still a later." He said with the smallest of smiles on his lips as both his hands came up to cup my face gently. His fingers moved across my bruised skin to wipe away the tears and his dark eyes alone showed how much this moment was also bothering him. "The time will go by fast and before you know it we will be back together."

"I don't want any time to go by. I don't want to be without you." I felt my crutches fall from under my arms and even though it hurt to even raise my arms, I moved forward and wrapped my arms around his middle so I had my own connection to him. That turned out to be a mistake because it only made the tears fall faster. Now I knew it would be harder to let him go and leave. "Tell me this isn't a mistake. Tell me that I'm not crazy..."

"Well, you're not completely crazy. Just crazy enough." He said with a sad smile, leaning forward to kiss me lightly on the forehead and then on the lips, our last kiss for what was going to be a month and the realization seemed to dawn heavily on him because he didn't pull away and simply intensified our last kiss. I could still feel the tears rolling down my cheeks as we kissed and I wished it could go on forever so the inevitable wouldn't have to come. But it did come, and when he was looking down at me, he too looked like he was getting choked up. He was just better at pushing it away. "I love you Savannah."

"I love you too Alex."

I stared out the window still when the last images of the good bye left my head and as I saw that we were turning towards the airport, I couldn't help but agonize that I had no idea how I was going to get through these next few weeks and then months without Alex.

The first two weeks

I thought I was prepared for this. I thought I knew what to expect when I left the hospital and made the decision to come home to heal. I thought that it was going to be hard but not difficult, harsh but not impossible, painful but not agonizing. And I was completely wrong on all fronts. Because it was difficult and impossible and agonizing. Those first 14 days were some of the hardest days I had ever gone through and that was saying a lot considering all that had happened to me. But even the rape was pushed out of my mind completely when I had to deal with this pain that seemed infinite and insurmountable. I just didn't think it could ever get better.

I barely even remember much of those first few days of arriving home. I was in pain from the plane ride and was trying to find some relief so I took some of the many painkillers that doctors had sent home with me and soon enough I found myself getting drowsy and relaxed and eventually the pain slipped away as we got to the house. I was coherent enough for my mother to explain that they were setting me up in the downstairs bedroom so I wouldn't have to worry about tackling the stairs which would be impossible with crutches and the state my ribs were in. So when I was carried into the room and laid in bed, I practically fell asleep right away while everything went on around me without me even really realizing it.

And that's how it was most days. I was in such pain and discomfort that I didn't even get out of bed and would need a constant in take of medication to keep myself comfortable enough where I could sleep, which is exactly what the doctors had told me to do. They said my body was in such a bad state that the best thing I could do was just rest as much as I could and keep myself from feeling the full brunt of the pain. So I did that and most of those 2 weeks were spent in a virtual haze a lot of the time. The painkillers made me very drowsy, so a lot of the day was spent sleeping even if I had slept the entire night before. I thought there was suppose to be a light at the end of the tunnel of some sort but of course with my luck, that didn't happen. Because just days after getting home, I had to go into the hospital again because of the fluid buildup in my knee again. I didn't remember the procedure because I was knocked out for it, but when I woke up, my doctor seemed concerned enough to warn me about possibly having surgery if this didn't improve and continued to keep happening. That of course scared the crap out of me and I panicked all the way back to the house, surgery would keep me out of action even longer and I looked down at my knee and actually told it to stop fucking up. Luckily for me, that was the only other time I had to have that procedure done and the doctor said that was a good sign and it should have made me happy but it didn't. Because it still didn't mean that I was anywhere where I should be. I was still in a lot of pain and extremely far away from ever getting back to my old life and that just made me miserable.

My family did their best over the last few weeks to try and make things as easy for me as they could. My mom stayed off the road for the last 14 days to stay with me because she didn't want me to only have the workers in the house to keep an eye on me. She would hang out with me in my room when I wasn't up to leaving it, she would leave me alone when I didn't want her around and she would bring me smoothies like she use to do when I was a kid and sick in bed and that was one of the rare time that I smiled in the last 2 weeks. Shane and Stephanie took turns coming to visit, they had more prominent roles in the daily running of WWE so they couldn't be off the road for more then a day or two at a time and they had their own families to visit with. But they still made it a priority to come see me and Shane would sit by my bed and talk to me even when I had my eyes closed and Stephanie would sit beside me and stroke my hair even when I never said anything. They did what they could but I could tell that they were upset that it wasn't enough. And yet, they still put smiles on their faces when they came to see me. I appreciated their efforts, even my dad, who actually took an entire weekend off to come home and see me. That was weird because this was the first time I had been back in my childhood home since I moved out and it was compounded by the fact that I still didn't know how to talk to my dad. He didn't know how to talk to me either and I was only too happy to pretend like I was in too much pain to talk anyway. And that wasn't a lie most of the time because for 90 percent of the last 2 weeks, I was in constant pain.

But the other 10 percent of that time when I wasn't in a haze from the pain medication, I was thinking about the people I had left behind in Orlando. I missed Chris and Jeff desperately as we had barely spent more then a day or two away from each other in the 2 years I was with TNA and I missed their friendship and quirky personalities more then I thought. But it was Alex who I missed most of all. I still occasionally woke up in the middle of the night and reached out for him only for my hands to meet air and then I remembered that I wasn't at home with him and I was in Stanford at my parent's house. It was always the same crushing blow when it set in that he was far away and couldn't just jump in the car and be with me in a few minutes like he could it if I was in Orlando. I missed being able to sleep and know that he was right there in the bed next to me. It wasn't easy for me to sleep nowadays with my knee and ribs all bandaged up, but Alex would have been able to mold himself around me so we were touching as we slept. He would have found some way to give me what I wanted without it hurting me. But he wasn't here to help me, he was home and I wasn't. I was stuck in what felt like a stranger's house even though I grew up here and lived here until I was kicked out of the family and that family made me miss Alex even more. He would have made me feel more comfortable or at least as comfortable as I could be here. But despite the discomfort and pain and tension and general awkwardness about being home, I still knew deep down that it was the best thing for me. And I didn't regret it.

Even if during these last few weeks, my family had been slowly but surely putting pressure on me to take action against Randy. And every time they did, I would feign a spasm of pain and retreat to my room to avoid dealing with the harsher pain that came when Randy's name was mentioned.

One morning

"Oh my God, I cannot believe what I'm seeing right now. It must be a miracle!" My mother exclaimed when her head shot up and caught sight of me coming around the corner of the dining room doorway and making my way towards the nearest chair. I rolled my eyes at her reaction, finding it over the top and ridiculous but I realized a second later how much of a big deal it was, at least to her. I had woken up this morning and for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel as much pain as I had when I first came home and starting off a morning without needing to reach for a pain killer was a sort of victory in my eyes. Hence why I had pushed myself to get dressed and come out to have breakfast with my mother if she was around. And of course, the one morning when I willingly left my room, she was there to witness it. I half expected her to jump up and start clapping her hands like a child. "This is fabulous, you actually look alive for a change."

"Calm down mother, it's not a big deal." I muttered partially under my breath as I hobbled across the carpet unsteadily on my crutches towards the table where she was sitting eating breakfast and I did my best not to show how frustrated I was with my slower movements because of my injuries. I wasn't use to crutches or how awkward I would turn out to be with them and I was able to appreciate now my mother's insistence that I stay in one of the downstairs bedrooms. It was hard enough to get around just on the first floor and trying to maneuver the stairs would have been a mistake. If I managed to not trip while using these damn crutches on level ground then that would be the real miracle. I eased myself down into a chair,setting my crutches against another one before turning to find my mother watching me. "What?"

"Nothing, I'm just surprised to see you out of your room today. You've been holed up in there for the past 2 weeks since you came home.." She shrugged as she reached for a cup and the coffee pot and poured me a cup. She pushed it over towards me with a smile. "It's just nice to see you up and about. That's all."

"Yea, well it is what it is." I took the cup with a small smile of gratitude and wrapped my cold hands around it, enjoying the warmth. "I mean, I don't feel like my normal self. But I don't feel as horrible as I did when I first left the hospital. That's an improvement, I guess."

"It definitely is." She replied with a too bright smile like she thought if she amped it up then it would affect me and make my mood better. I appreciated her trying that hard, especially when it wasn't her normal behavior, but I just need normal right now. And I knew it wouldn't happen until my mom got use to me not being as bed ridden as I had been. "But now that you seem to be a bit more awake and clear headed, how has it been being home?"

"I mean, injuries aside, it feels just weird. But I expected it to feel like that. This is the first time that I've been back in this house since I was 22..." I didn't bother to phrase it the other way where I would have said 'since I was kicked out of the family'. That would have made things more tense then they already were. So it was probably best to just go another way. "I've been on my own for years now, it feels weird to have to be back in my parents house for help..."

"It will get better, it will just take longer then a few weeks of effort to make up for the years when we weren't a family." She replied, her eyes showing that she too was trying to avoid directly addressing our personal problems. "So I talked to you father this morning..."

"A sentence that starts off like that never means anything good." I frowned, my hands tightening around the coffee cup and I took a sip so I wouldn't have to look at her. I much preferred looking at the dark liquid in the cup that couldn't bring my father up in conversation. But there was only so much time that I cold spend looking down before it got ridiculous. I set the cup down and rubbed the side of my head. "What did he want?"

"He was just checking in, wanting to say hello and see how you were doing." My mother relayed these things back to me but I could tell that the way she said it meant that wasn't all they talked about. My parents were so alike and when they were about to bring up an unpleasant topic, they tried to hide it under a more chipper tone but that of course made it obvious that they were hiding something. I sent my mother a look and she in turn looked guilty and I knew that when she spoke again, I really wasn't going to like it. "Honey, your father and I talked and I agreed to ask you if you have thought about changing your mind about pressing charges..."

"No I haven't and no I don't want to discuss it. You can tell dad that the next time he calls." I shot back, a heavy intake of air came up through my nose as my mouth was now tightly shut with tension. I shook my head rapidly. "I really wish you and dad and Shane and Stephanie would stop bugging me about it."

"We're only trying to help." My mom quickly said but the damage was already done and I was already reaching for my crutches, intent on leaving this room. "Savannah, please at least consider it..."

"I have considered it and my answer is no." I snapped, slipping my crutches under my arm and hobbled out of the room as quickly as I could manage, which wasn't nearly as fast as I would have liked. Because I was beginning to realize that no matter how fast I moved, I would never be able to get enough distance between myself and my memories.

A few hours later

"It looks just the same out here as it did when I was a kid." I mumbled to myself as I leaned against the porch railing and tucked my arms around myself to keep myself warm as the chilly wind whipped my hair across my eyes and I shook my head to clear my vision as I once again looked around at the expansive backyard and marveled that not one bit of it had changed since I was a kid. I had left my room just a few minutes ago, needing to get some fresh air after sulking over the short conversation with my mom at the table and had come out to the back porch to be alone. And once I stepped foot out here, it really was like time had stood still because not one thing had changed and as I looked around and took everything in, memories began to flood my mind. I tucked my hands under my arms, hissing when they jostled against my ribcage and when the pain passed I sighed. "Some things never changed."

That statement couldn't be more true as I stood outside my house and looked around the yard that I had constantly played in when I was a child with my brother and sister, who were a lot older then me at the time but still acted like kids themselves. Over the years we had all changed as people often did as they passed from childhood to adolescence to adulthood, but even in my earlier twenties I could still stand in this place that had remained unchanged and think back to a time before things had gotten complicated and difficult because of life. Like I had said many times before, my brother and sister and I had never really had all that much in common and we had never even really gotten along because of our constant battles for our parents attention. And me being the youngest one, it was more of a struggle and the two of them would always pit themselves against me. That happened much more when I was older but when I was just a child, it wasn't as bad. I could even remember having a lot of fun with my siblings and it made me yearn for that time again.

I lifted my eyes across the yard to the wooden swing set that had been there way before I was born and once again I was surprised by how unchanged it was. It had always been the base of where I had played with my brother and sister, using it as a safe haven when Shane would chase me around the yard in a game of tag. I would shimmy up the side of it and sit at the top and stick my tongue down at him because he couldn't reach me. Stephanie would distract him so I could get back down and then she and I would take turns chasing after him and even though he was the oldest and fastest, he still occasionally let me catch him and tackle him to the ground. The three of us would be laughing hysterically and I would remember seeing our mom and dad standing on the porch together watching us with the rarest of smiles on their faces. It was one of those times that stood out because we weren't the family in the spotlight in the wrestling business, we weren't fighting each other over something stupid, we were just us. And it was nice. It was calm. I was happy back then.

"It's strange isn't it? To see things look exactly as they did over 20 years ago. It amazes me even to this day..." My mother's voice came from the door behind me and I turned my head over my shoulder to see her stepping out onto the porch and coming towards me with her arms crossed and a hesitant smile on her face. She kept her expression neutral as she came to lean on the railing with me. "It was so much simpler back then, or at least it seemed it. But we've never been simple people have we?"

"No, we were definitely a complicated family. And that's putting it nicely." I replied with a heavy sigh as I thought back to everything we had gone through over the years. All the lawsuits from disgruntled ex employes, failed business ventures, personal issues, tragic loss. All things that should have shaped us and changed us into different people but only seemed to bounce off the rest of my family like they couldn't be bothered to let it affect them. I never understood how they could be like that when I felt the pain and anguish of all the things that had happened. Maybe that was the reason why we had never truly gotten along. Because I could let my guard down and they couldn't, at least not back then. We all had our layers to peel back and we would never just be back and white people, we had areas of gray that eve we didn't know about. We were very complicated. Simple could never describe us. "Mom, simple was never part of any of our vocabularies."

"That's beginning to become more obvious to me these days." She nodded with that same small smile and tucked her hair behind her ear the same way I did before she turned to look at me. "So look, I have to go out and do some thing. Why don't you come with me?"

"Uh, no thanks. I'd rather not." I immediately shook my head, not ready to step out in public just yet. I had barely been able to drag myself out of bed for the first time today. I was not ready to allow people to see me like this. "Sorry mom, but I don't want people to see me like some battered, beaten woman. I know that's what everyone is thinking..."

"That's not true Savannah..."

"Yes it is mom. I'm not naïve, ok? I know what people are saying about me already and the last thing I am going to let them do is to see me like this. I won't give any one the satisfaction of seeing me at my worst. I already feel like shit, I won't invite any more of that feeling in."

1 hour later

"Oh come on. Can't my mind just calm down long enough for me to take a 30 minute nap? Is that so much to ask for?" I stared up at the ceiling as I laid flat on my back and tried yet again to will my eyes to get heavy so I could sleep but I just was not able to make the impossible happen. My mom had left to go run around doing whatever it was that she had to do and told me that she had asked the maids to keep an eye on me in case I needed anything but I was quite content with staying in my room and trying to get some sleep. Reminiscing with my mom briefly had tired me out and I figured that with how I felt then a nap would come easily to me. But of course the moment I laid down and cuddled up with an extra pillow against me, I couldn't stop my mind from swirling with thoughts and memories. I groaned loudly and slowly turned back over on the side of my ribs that weren't broken and sighed. "This is not fair. Why couldn't these memories stay away like they did the first few weeks I was here?"

I closed my eyes tightly but I still saw the images flashing behind my lids. I almost wished I was still in that pain induced haze because at least back then I wasn't as aware of things as I was now. Yes the pain was a bitch to deal with, but it was better then remembering the things I was remembering now. It seemed that thinking about my life here, even the pleasant times, opened up the floodgates to not so pleasant memories. And that's what was keeping me awake now, all the things I should have been thinking about when I first walked into this house again but couldn't because of the physical pain were now growing in confidence now that my mind was no longer in a haze. I knew I would inevitably think about my last moments here, back when I was packing up all my things when I was moving out after my father kicked me out of the family. But I was hoping to avoid those particular memories at all costs. And the universe being the unfair jack ass it was, wasn't about to allow that. So here I was, curled up on my bed in a house where I had grown up and had some of the roughest memories I had ever had.

I could still remember the day I left home very clearly, I wish I didn't because that day was one of the more darker days I had experienced and that was saying a lot. And I had thought that if I could just get there on a weekend that no one in my family was there then I could get myself packed and out of there. There hadn't been much left to take with me as I had been doing it bit by bit since the night I told my father I was leaving. And just like today, those other times had been done when the house was empty. Things had been horrible between us in the days after my announcement and they hadn't wanted to be around me. And luckily I still knew their schedules so I could get this stuff done when they weren't around. And that last day I was on the verge of leaving with my last car full of things when they had come home unexpectedly, and to say that we had all been taken by surprise was an understatement. Of course their shock didn't last long and they immediately started in on their verbal attacks. They had stood in the doorway, my father with my brother and sister and made snide remarks while I silently kept my head down and finished throwing things in duffel bags, trying to act like their comments didn't reach me. But every time they opened their mouths to say something horrible about how I had disappointed them and turned my back on the family, I felt a dagger twist in my chest and tears pricked at my eyes. But I never lost my composure, I knew it was waiting until I was alone in my car before it unleashed. But that didn't mean there weren't moments when I wanted to turn around and yell at them. I didn't, not even when Shane told me that I was a selfish brat and deserved the treatment I got. I could only grab my bags and walk by them, not saying anything until I got to the door. I remember clearly turning back to look at my dad and brother and telling them that I loved them before I headed out to my car. That was the last time I saw them for the next 2 years and those were the last words I said to them. All of that rushed together in front of my eyes as I laid there in bed and stared at the wall with tears beginning to prick my eyes.

"So much for getting through the day with no pain." I swiped my hand across my eyes and reached behind me for the bottle of painkillers on the nightstand and shook two out into my palm. I swallowed them without taking a sip of water and set the bottle back on the table. I buried my face in the pillows, waiting desperately for the drowsy feeling to hit me that would soon take me under so I would no longer have to be conscious of my surroundings. I didn't want to remember that last day here anymore and I was willing to go to any lengths to forget it. And a few minutes later, I felt the haze set back in my head and soon enough I was being pulled into a cloud of nothing.

Late that night

"Well hello stranger. Do you realize that you are officially the most difficult person to get a hold of in this world? And you're my girlfriend, it shouldn't be this difficult to talk to you..."

"That's quite a greeting Alex, thanks." I felt my lips twitch up into a smile as I stared at my computer screen where Alex's wonderfully grinning face was staring right back at me. The sky was dark outside and I had just settled down on my bed for the night as I turned my computer on to make the Skype call and the moment that I saw Alex was online, I felt my heart jump into my throat in excitement. I had been thinking about him on and off all day and for most of the first 2 weeks I had been at home. And even though I could remember talking to him, I had been in such a haze of pain and discomfort that I couldn't really remember what had been said between us. Hence why he had to tease me the moment the video chat started and this would really be the first time we were talking when I wasn't heavily on some kind of pain medication. I ran my hands through my loose hair before adjusting the ice pack on my immobilized knee and smiled. "It feels so good to see you and talk to you..."

"Of course you think that, I am Alex Shelley. You should be so lucky to have this moment right now.." He shook his head teasingly at me, his lips locked into a permanent smile as I could see his eyes sparkling in happiness. I knew how worried he had been when we had parted ways at my house 2 weeks ago, he hadn't wanted to let me go even though he had put on a good face when I told him I needed to do this. But Alex was a guy and more importantly he was my guy, and I knew he wanted to be the one who took care of me. So to see him laughing and being goofy was such a nice thing to break up the monotony of the last few weeks. He looked so wonderful sitting there on the edge of his chair with his hair flopping over his forehead. "So how have you been..."

"Oh no, you don't get to ask me how I'm doing right off the bat. Not when all the attention was on me in the last few weeks. It's time the tables were turned and we're going to start with you." I quickly interjected, not wanting the focus on me the way it had been heavily since I woke up in the hospital. Ever since I came to, every move I made and every thing I said seemed to be under a microscope as if the people around me were trying to find some hidden meaning in it. I hated that kind of attention and pressure. So even Alex first asking how I was doing irked me and made me want to shift the focus away. "You go first, tell me what you have been up to in the last few weeks. Because I know I probably wasn't as attentive as I should have been."

"Well, I've just been doing the same old regular routine. I go to the gym with Chris, I've been doing the tapings and I even started asking Jeff to book me on any event that's coming up. Essentially I'm just trying to stay as busy as I can." He explained, pushing his hair out of his eyes and I saw just behind his happy expression that he looked a little tired and now I could understand the reason for it. Alex tended to go overboard when he was trying to keep his mind occupied, and with me not being there anymore I knew he would be going as hard as he could. He knew his limits thankfully and he never went passed it, but he still ran himself into the ground sometimes. He rubbed the back of his neck before saying. "I even got myself booked for some Indy shows, so I get to do a little more traveling. So that's fun."

"Good, I'm glad you're staying focused and having fun." I smiled in relief at the computer screen as I moved around on the bed in an effort to make myself comfortable. I could see Alex following my eyes move with his dark eyes and I saw the frown already starting to show up. "I know that look and I'm fine..."

"No, you still don't look fine." Alex shook his head and I knew he wasn't just still referring to the fading bruises on my face and the healing cut on my forehead. Even on the computer, Alex could sense my discomfort and I watched him give me a pointed look. "So now it's time for you to tell me how you have been doing."

"Well, some days are better then others and...Aw hell, who am I kidding? It's been torture these first 2 weeks." I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up this ruse when talking to Alex and especially not when he was looking right at me, even if it was on a video chat. Alex just knew me too well and it was a good thing because I would never have to worry about him not understanding my emotions. But then again, it also meant I couldn't hide myself from him when I wanted to. "I know they said the first few weeks were going to be the toughest but I wasn't prepared for this. I was basically in a haze for the last 14 days, I couldn't really do anything. I was in so much pain that I could only really just lay in bed, take the painkillers like they were freaking candy, and eat and drink when I could. Most of of the time I just slept, so I wasn't aware of anything really going on, but the doctors said that rest was what I really needed. And today was the first day when I woke up and wasn't in agonizing pain.."

"I'm sorry babe..." Alex's face clouded over with shame, like he thought less of himself for not putting up more of a fight about taking care of me. But there really wasn't anything more he could do then what was already being done for me. It would have been just as tough being back home in Orlando as it was here. "I wish I could be there with you the whole you're healing. I hate knowing that you're in pain and I'm not close by to help..."

"I wish you were here too, you always make me feel better in your own way. But I still would have gone through this 2 week hell even if I was at home with you. The only thing that makes it easier is to know that you weren't around to see me suffer through it." I smiled at the screen to show I was serious because I was. Alex had seen me in enough pain and I didn't want him to see me when I was not in the hospital without nurses and doctors to do everything for me. Getting back into a regular routine with the myriad of injuries I had was hard and I wasn't even there yet. Just trying to figure out how to move without it hurting me was a chore in itself and I knew it would have hurt Alex to see me like this. "But I miss you a lot, I hope you know that.."

"I know, I miss you too. And if I wasn't so heavily scheduled with work then I would get on a plane and come see you." Alex sent me that half smirk of his that made me first fall in love with him years ago before I even allowed myself to admit that to even myself and I felt my heart warm up when I saw that old look. I would never get tired of that look. It always made me feel so alive. "It's weird being at home and knowing you're not in your own house only a few minutes away. I've had to stop myself from grabbing my keys and driving to the airport..."

"I love you for saying that." I couldn't stop the gleeful smile that came over my face just now. Alex just had such a bad habit of saying the sweetest things to me that made me smile like a school girl. "But I'm ok now and you need to focus on work since it's a good time for you."

"I guess you're right.."

"I am right."

"That's exactly what my mother said. Who coincidentally, I just got off the phone with before I got on with you and she wanted me to tell you hi and that she was thinking of you. My dad too, but he was slightly more colorful about the whole thing." Alex couldn't fight back a laugh that rose up in his throat and neither could I. His parents were such characters and so different then mine, and whenever Alex took me home to visit them, I always enjoyed myself and wished that my mom and dad had been like them. They were just such carefree, supportive people who were there whenever duty called. I saw how much they loved their son and they always were so nice towards me. His mom and I would always go shopping when we visited and his dad always wanted to sit around drinking some kind of alcohol and trying to get me to play cards with him that always ended up with money being thrown in and him losing but he still insisted on it anyway. They were crazy and loving and protective of Alex and anyone in his life. So I knew when Alex told them about the attack, that they would be on him for any updates. I hadn't gotten any calls or texts from them like I occasionally did, but I knew it was probably because they didn't want to bother me after I left the hospital. So when Alex told me about their concern, it made me smile. But what didn't make me smile as much was Alex's next question. "So...how has it been being back with your family again for the first time in years?"

"Don't even get me started on that. I mean, my mom has been ok and even Shane and Stephanie haven't been horrible. But my dad just finds any opportunity he can to bring up the attack and me pressing charges and every time he did that I would have to pretend to be in a lot of pain and escape to my room just so he would shut up." I stuck my tongue in between my teeth at the thought of how my family had been the first two weeks I had been home. I knew it would take some adjustment for us all but I didn't think I would have anyone on my case at all while I was trying to work through the beginning stages of the healing process. But I should have expected that my dad wouldn't be thinking about that when I got home because he only seemed to remember that I was still severely injured when I had to escape to pop a painkiller. It was just starting to build up and already I could feel myself get frustrated. I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed. "They all won't stop talking about it, it's like they just can't help themselves..."

"They just care." Alex shrugged, his face twitching partially because I knew he found my family ridiculous and oddly amusing. But then his expression turned hard and I knew I wasn't going to like what he had to say next even more then I hated him asking about my family. "So I guess I have to join the club and ask...have you thought anymore about pressing charges?"

"No."

"You answered that pretty fast."

"And your point?"

"I just think you need to consider it that's all. The hospital has the report already written up and they have the photographic evidence. They just need you to ok it and then the police can get..."

"Alex, stop! I don't want to talk about this. So let it go, please." I felt my face go cold when he had started going off on this tangent and I knew if I didn't stop him now then he would just keep on going. "I already have to fight my family on this, don't make me fight you too."

"I only..."

"No, don't say anything else about it. It's done and over and I don't want to think about it." I shook my head so quickly that my hair ended up smacking me in the face and made my eyes water. I sounded mad but I wasn't, not at Alex. I was mad at myself for not having enough courage to face this like they all wanted me too. But I wasn't like them. I wasn't stubborn to the core, I wasn't formidable and scary to those around me. I was weak and scared and broken. And I wish I could say I could get passed it but I wasn't sure I could.