Fucking Horizon. Things were completely FUBAR from the start. Of course, when you consider that the Illusive Bastard set things in motion, I'm not surprised.

So, the Illusive Man contacted the QEC to tell me the Collectors were attacking Horizon, a human colony in the Terminus systems. And while that didn't seem unusual, what got my attention was that Kaidan Alenko, now a Staff Commander himself, was stationed there as part of an outreach program between the Alliance and the Terminus colonies. Putting two and two together, I surmised that the Collectors attacked the colony because one of my former crew was there.

I told the Illusive Man to mobilize the Alliance, but of course he told me no, and gave some bullshit excuse as to why he wouldn't. I didn't trust his reasoning, but I just went along with things, against my better judgement. I really should have stood my ground, considering what happened, demanding that I wouldn't go unless he called the Alliance, and they got there before me. But I didn't, and it screwed me.

But I digress. I talked to Mordin, making sure the countermeasure he had been working on was ready. It was, and I used the combat radio channel to order Grunt, Garrus, and Zaeed to gear up, and said for Mordin to do the same. I was a little worried about lacking biotic power, but I didn't want Kaidan or the human colonists thinking I was with Cerberus, especially when the cheerleader and traitor would loudly proclaim it. (I also would have taken Jack, but Doctor Chakwas hasn't cleared her for combat duty yet.) But considering that I was able to handle what came up, I shouldn't have worried as much as I did.

Anyway, we landed on the planet, and were almost immediately ambushed by Collector forces. We fought them off, and I was pleased that Mordin's countermeasure was keeping the Collectors' Seeker Swarms from coming near us.

However, we were mildly surprised that the Collectors were using Husks as shock troops. Up until this point, we believed that Husks were a geth invention, but the fact that the Collectors were using them showed that they ARE Reaper creations.

Anyway, we continued to fight our way through the town when we got to a garage, where we found a man hiding. The man blamed the Alliance for this, I defended the Alliance's decisions, but he said he didn't want their help. But he did give me some useful information; that the Alliance had installed a GARDIAN laser tower that, unfortunately, had too much of a power draw for normal operation. But without the rest of the colony's facilities utilizing power, we could get it online and stop the Collector's attack.

The man opened the door to the garage and let us out, and we headed to the spaceport. But as we got through here, we noticed a lot fewer people that had been frozen by the Collector Seeker Swarms, meaning they had already been taken by the Collectors.

But that wasn't going to stop me from stopping this. We fought our way to the spaceport, activated the GARDIAN tower and defended it from the Collectors while the tower warmed up. I even managed to drop a "Praetorian" as Cerberus is calling it, with a round from the M-920 Cain. This gun takes a 25 gram round and accelerates it to 5km/s, which is both heavier and faster than the rounds that most guns fire, so it creates a massive explosion.

Garage guy came out of his hiding place as the GARDIAN laser forced the Collectors to retreat, complaining that they took half the colonial inhabitants. I reminded him that, if it wasn't for the Alliance setting up that GARDIAN tower, they'd have taken the whole colony. He complained on how his friends were taken, and Grunt mentioned how it was a good fight, and brought up my name. This got garage guy on my case, and then Kaidan made his appearance, singing my praises, happy to see me.

Unfortunately, that didn't last long. First, he was upset that I'd disappeared for two years, and hadn't contacted him. When I mentioned that I wasn't conscious during that time, I unfortunately had to mention that Cerberus was responsible for bringing me back from the dead. Kaidan showed a look of disapproval and betrayal at both me and Garrus, saying he couldn't believe that the rumors were right.

I told him no, the rumors were wrong. That I do NOT work for Cerberus, and that anyone who said differently was either lying or repeating lies. He was having none of it, saying that the only reason he had been stationed on Horizon was because of the rumors that I was with Cerberus, and that here I was, mentioning that Cerberus rebuilt me. I again denied these rumors, stating that I was here because of the Spectre mandate; protect galactic stability at all cost, and that the Collectors are working for the Reapers, and are thus a threat to that stability.

Then Kaidan said something that took me aback; that maybe Cerberus was working with the Collectors and were the ones working for the Reapers. And while I doubt that Cerberus is working with the Collectors, it wouldn't surprise me if they were, in fact, working with the Reapers, because a LOT of what the Illusive Man says and does reminds me of Saren.

We parted ways at that point, Kaidan going to report that I was, indeed, working with terrorists, and that the Collectors were attacking human colonies. I wanted him on my team; he's a hell of a fighter, a hell of a leader, and I need more people whom I can trust watching my back. But he doesn't trust me anymore.

I was in emotional turmoil when we got into the shuttle that took us back to the Normandy. I was heartbroken that one of the people who got so close to me during the Saren hunt now rejecting me so thoroughly, confused about what my resurrection meant, and most of all, pissed at the Illusive Man for his part in all this.

Which is why I tore into him when he contacted the Normandy. I told him, in no uncertain terms, that I do NOT work for him, and that any rumors to the contrary needed to stop. He tried to deflect this, but I didn't back down; one of my closest friends rejected me because of his bullshit, and I was NOT happy about it. He was unapologetic, stating that he needed the Alliance to believe this in order to manipulate the Collectors to his advantage.

I threatened to take the Normandy to Arcturus and surrender it, the crew and myself to the Alliance, making all his efforts for naught. And I could tell on his face that he knew that I was serious; if he does one more thing that fucks with my personal life, I will go through with that. (In fact, I'm planning on doing that anyway when the mission's over, but I'm not going to say that in front of the cheerleaders.) He backed down, and we commenced the debriefing. At the end, he gave me 3 more people to recruit to my team, and I was glad to know that they were all aliens, who would have no hidden loyalties to the Illusive Man. One of those aliens was someone that I know trusts me implicitly; Tali'Zorah vas Neema. Her dossier said that she was taking a team to Haestrom, a planet within the geth controlled Perseus Veil.

I make a quick round to touch base with my crew, and learned that Mr. Taylor and Miranda had stuff they needed done. I wasn't too thrilled to hear their bullshit at this point, but I need them focused on the mission, so I agreed to help them. I also talked to the rest of my people, continuing to build a rapport with them, before heading up to my quarters.

And that's when I broke into tears. I don't like admitting it, but I did. I mean, I'm Commander-fucking-Shepard, first human Spectre, savior of the Citadel, badass biotic and all around hero. But I was just overwhelmed over what's been happening. Because between Cerberus, Kaidan, the Collectors, the Reapers and my fear over what God wants from me now, I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Thankfully, Garrus came up to talk to me. We worked through a lot of things, helping me through my doubts and fears. And while he doesn't understand everything I'm going through, it means so much that he's here and trying. It's more than anyone else is doing.

Addition by Garrus Vakarian: I just knew that my friend was in pain, and that she needed someone to comfort her. And since she had been coming to me to talk since we first met, even back on the original Normandy, I knew that I was the only one to bring her out of her funk. It's a good reminder that, despite our differences in biology and chemical makeup, we're all people first.

For now, we're heading to Omega to refuel and restock the Normandy. I'm also going to see about getting some purified turian food for Tali, because I know she's not going to want to eat that nutrient paste that she had to eat on her pilgrimage. In the meantime, I'm going to shower and try to get some sleep.

Glossary of terms: FUBAR-Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition. It means nothing went right on the mission.