Author's notes: Please note that this story has been upped to an M rating. Sorry, but it's been a thought I've been thinking about for a few weeks now, and I like to be safer than sorry. Here's the responses.
Trinity the Kitsune Kunoichi: Thanks, udated.
Elemental Dragon Swordsman: Glad your girlfriend has good taste... sorry about the mental scarring...
CaptDutchboy: Ya'll get them once I get one... and maybe some fanart? Please? I think I threw in enough references in that chapter to make a child hidden in a bomb shelter since the 60's get at least one of the jokes... (Don't tell me if I'm right, right? Ara ara...) Gai... is Gai...
akiharu-chan: Mentally disturbed... I think that describes the story entirely...
badkidoh: Thank you. . . & stuff. Updated.
geetac: Glad you love it, and that you laugh.
munky5: Heh, nice to see people like that joke.
Kokiiru-kun: Sweet, innocent Yakimaru... oh how I've corrupted him... Hmm... the 7-tails is as far as I know female, as stated by Kishimoto... ara ara... As for Sasuke... hehe so wonderfully special...
jolteonforever: See, laughter is good for you... What Simpsons episode was that? Ah well, just think about Naruto's firm butt cheeks.
HikariNoTenshi-San: Good show on the TMNT references, save Master Roshi is only from Dragon Ball metaseries. . . Yeah, the libido is coming forth in force! Oh be warned Konoha...
spottedstar2: Gai is... channeling extra Captain Porno waves it seems... Here's a wonderful Roshi chapter.
anotamous: Spoof, tribute, shameless ripped off... it's a thin set of lines...
Anonymous: Why... we'll never know... and he's wearing the speedo... his spandex is somewhere... hopefully being burned... Thanks for the personality comment, I tried.
AkioofWind: Congrats for the divergence from sanity... glad you're loving it...
WINDXNINJA: "Ninja Rap" by Vanilla Ice is what you're thinking about. The ideas will keep rolling out.
Iron Reprieve: Sorry about the end result... what's shraughed?
FairoNeko: How? Insomnia... and a little free thinking... Yeah, I know... Now how do I update again?
volrath77: You have seen it! NOW YOU CANNOT UNSEE IT!
Alyondria: Uhh... glad it was funny and all... but seriously nostalgia trips are best when you go with a guide...
CelticReaper: Laughter is a good thing... as in reminicence, sorry about anally violating your childhood and mine with the references I made... and the Gai thing... Ara ara... such an emotional roller coaster.
Kenta-Sonek-Raikiri: So much scarring for Naruto, so painful... glad it's funny... Here's some more.
BlackRoseOfTheRose: After many weeks of consideration, I recieved your review on the matter, and decided to make the plunge, thus the new rating. Thank you for your support.
90MLLu: Sorry about the inner eye... Umm... how does one fix that? I try my best to weave all the characters in, but sadly to do that, would mean a story the size of the bible... so I just try the best with what I can do.
Icha Icha: Animal Magnetism
Chapter 24
Naruto ran through the undergrowth as fast as he could, trying to get distance between him and the new challenger, even if he didn't know where he was. He only had a random amount of minutes to get a good hiding spot, or at least a good distance away. Bursting into a clearing he found something very odd on the other side of it. For some reason Orochimaru was eating foot long hot dogs... without taking any bites or chewing. He tried to sneak away quietly, up until his libido pointed something out.
"Dude! He has no gag reflex!" the ever annoying part of his psyche screamed in his mental ear. At that point Naruto decided to just run for it, and pray he didn't have nightmares about this later.
Sliding under a few fallen trees that provided a nice little fox hole, he tried to catch his breath as he searched frantically for any pursuers. They say paranoia was how ninjas survived, and right now Naruto wouldn't be surprised if the trees started playing banjo music and came after him, saying they'd make him squeal real purdy like. Or maybe he should stop reading those weird manga...
Licking his lips, he took a deep breath and held it, letting it out slowly he counted to ten, before something tickled his ear. That's when he heard it, a second breath, that's what was tickling his ear. Letting out a small whimper, he slowly turned his head, hoping beyond hope that it wasn't a human. As their eyes finally met, Naruto's hopes were dashed when the red bearded man waved. "Hi! I'm Roshi, container of the four tails. Let's make some hot lovin' kid."
In the shinobi world, there is few things held as absolute, that it was impossible to run through solid objects thankfully wasn't one of them. After leaving a Naruto shaped hole in the logs that had been covering him, Naruto took off at a frantic run through the woods. Meanwhile, Roshi just sort of pranced after Naruto, letting him gain distance. "Oh, but he is shy... I love that in a mate... rowl rowl..."
Naruto growled in annoyance as he took to the trees, trying to lose his follower. He knew that only Konoha and her allies trained in tree clinging as chakra training. That was one thing he learned on his trip with Jiraiya, the other Elemental Nations had different training methods, and while he could see the benefits of each, he also knew that there was no way to train in them all, especially in areas like Suna and Iwa, were there were no trees, but they had their own styles.
Stopping stock still on a branch he stared at the bearded man before him, bearing a smirk and a bouquet of flowers. "Ah Naruto my pet, come away with me, I shall show you the magnificent cliffs of Iwa, our children will be strong as the mountain, and graceful as the trees. Come away with me mon petite kitsune, and we shall live in happiness ever more!"
"Uhh... yeah... thanks but no, I'm not interested..." Naruto replied before taking off in a dozen directions at once, thanks again to his ever useful Kage Bunshin. If it had been a less dangerous moment, he'd wonder about how he summoned them without using a hand sign, however right now his focus was on escaping the weird Roshi.
"Oh... he's playing coy..." Roshi mused with a smirk before spewing out several puddles of lava, which changed into clones of himself. A wave of his hand later and they were off to chase after the Naruto clones. "I shall play that game too... I shall be hard to get!"
Meanwhile, Naruto remained pinned to the tree he had been in, using its bulk to hide him from the lava spitting Jinchuuriki. Mentally he debated about the sanity of the heat exasperated Jinchuuriki after him. 'Okay... so Gaara gets awesome sand powers, I think Yugito-san got some sort of anti-gravity thing going on with how she hung in the air, I saw Roshi here spew lava... am I the only one that doesn't get awesome super powers from their tenant? THAT SUCKS!" Okay, so maybe his focus wasn't where it should have been. But could you really blame him?
His thoughts however were cut off by a pair of rough calloused hands covering his eyes from behind, and a sing-song voice ringing out. "Guess who my little kitsune!"
Naruto paused to think, actually trying to figure out who the voice belonged to. "Not Jiraiya... too deep for any of the Konoha genin... Doesn't smell like cigarettes enough to be Asuma... Not a female voice..." Naruto pondered while Roshi sweat dropped from the other side of the tree. Little did he notice Naruto slipping chakra proof ninja wire into loops around the four tailed Jinchuuriki. "Let's see... That rules out Yugito... doesn't smell like sand so it's not Gaara... I KNOW!" Naruto exclaimed at last cinching the loops tight and dropping out from the grip. "It's a trapped lava spitter!"
Naruto leaped out of the tree, taking off through the forest's undergrowth as fast as he could. Fear and self-preservation pouring adrenaline helped him in ways he couldn't understand, but then again, the only thing on his mind now was getting away, though his libido felt that it was its duty to speak up at that precise moment.
"Dude... that was kinky and all, but you're supposed to do more!" the enraged figment of Naruto's delusional mind screamed, "Look, let's just go back, and squeeze out a few rounds, I mean it wouldn't kill us, would it?"
Naruto ignored that his sex drive was making a fairly reasonable request, and focused instead on the figure that was standing directly in front of him. He wasn't sure, but he could have sworn he'd seen that greasy, black hair, lanky body, and ungodly white skin before, but the stranger wore a trench coat, low pulled fedora hat, and a pair of sunglasses that blocked out his eyes, so he wasn't sure.
"Pst, hey kid... I got some ramen candy..." Naruto's eyes lit up at the idea of ramen candy, he'd never heard of it before, but anything was possible with the gift from the gods that was ramen. The stranger continued with a cold smirk, "If you'll just follow me into this abandoned cottage, away from anyone that could hear you scream, and I'll give you all the ramen candy you could want..."
Naruto was severely tempted to go with the man, after all he seemed like a decent guy and it was ramen candy. But for some reason he knew that going into that cottage would be the worst mistake to make, even if he wasn't under the jutsu. "Hehe, uhh... no thanks... see I gotta run..."
When he turned to run, the guy's head shot out extending on his neck like a bit of silly putty. Naruto barely cleared his attack by leaping over the head, watching it embed itself in the bark, leaving a dent. Slamming his fist into the back of the psycho's head, he smiled as it bounced out of the dent with a large goose egg on its forehead. Down below, the person dropped like a ton of bricks unconscious, the guy did attack him and was just really creepy otherwise. Naruto took off running again, unknowingly defeating one of the greatest ninjas ever, just by being incredibly lucky.
It was lucky that Naruto was already on the move, because half a step after his feet left the branch they were on, a net wrapped around the branch, leaving clear indication what it was for.
Tracing the net back to its source, he groaned as he saw two Roshi's coming after him. Sliding down the inside of a hollowed out log, he let it take him to the base of a ravine, where two Naruto's took off in opposite directions. The Roshi's saw the two Naruto's and split off to chase them. Shortly after they left, Naruto dropped out of the log trailed by a large plume of smoke, and breathed deeply, savoring the fresh air hitting his lungs. He'd have to remember next time he did that, to use a wind jutsu to create a breathing area.
Walking away he smiled, thinking that he'd lost his pursuer. Unfortunately, a tackle from behind alerted him to the presence of another. "I have found you my love!" Roshi cried out with joy as he hugged Naruto close. "Now let us away on a cloud called Numbus to my private island! I shall treat you like a god, and we will never have to worry about being hurt on missions, or by the people of our villages again!"
Naruto whimpered as his sensitive ears flattened to his skull from the yelling, but one thing got through his attempts to drown out everything. "Your village hates you too?"
Roshi paused in his attempt to strip Naruto naked while molesting him as much as possible. "Yeah kid... all of us are weapons, village pariah, or just outcasts," Roshi grumbled darkly as his eyes took on a distant look. "Well, except the Eight-tails container, but his big brother's the Raikage, so I guess he's lucky."
Naruto rolled over to look at the man on top of him, trying to buy himself enough time to finish out the hour; he only needed thirty minutes of bought time after all. "Hey, maybe we should all meet up and hang out sometime? Just us Jinchuuriki... exchange mailing addresses and work together to make the world a peaceful place..."
Roshi smiled sadly at the offer from the trapped blond, giving it due consideration as he sat down on the smaller ninja's stomach. "Not a bad idea brat, but I suppose it might be a bit impossible... see we have to follow orders of our kages, and well... right now Iwa hates Konoha... if it wasn't for both me and five-tail's container talking to the Tsuchikage about the heat thing for our demons, we'd likely not be here at all. Or if we were, we'd probably be told to kill some leaf ninjas..." pausing a moment, Roshi looked down at the trapped kitsune with a sad smile, "In fact, you'd probably be a top one for our hit list... you look just like the Yellow Flash..."
Naruto's mind sent up huge red flags at that, telling that now wouldn't be quite the right time to mention that he was the son of the Yellow Flash, but he really wished he could use Hirashin no Jutsu, he'd be out of there in a freaking heartbeat. "Well, we can at least keep an ear out for things the others should worry about... Like that Akatsuki thing, you know black cloaks and red clouds? The nine of us together would wipe the floor with them!"
"You've got a point... those cloud cloaks have been a problem..." Roshi muttered, looking off to the side, "The five-tails and I have heard about them from some people we trust, nice to have a name for them..."
"Yeah! See man, this is why we need to talk with each other," Naruto reasoned loudly, "because then you'd know I'm really sorry for this..."
Before Roshi could ask what the small blond meant, he had an orange clad elbow crushing his manhood back to where it came from. While the lava spitting Roshi rolled around on the ground, clutching his family jewels, Naruto took the moment to bow respectfully before running with a shout back over his shoulder. "I'm really sorry about that man!"
Roshi finally uncurled after a full minute of rolling in agony, he had to admit, that was a good hit, and the boy was bony enough to pull it off. Heck, the four-tailed skunk was laughing about the low blow being so like the fox. "He is a feisty one, ah amore, such a many splendored thing!"
Naruto was currently busy with running for his life, apparently while he was dealing with creepy pedophiles, and over aggressive nut job Jinchuuriki, Neji and Lee thought it'd be a good idea to hunt him down.
Lee had started it off by suddenly appearing directly in Naruto's path, arms wide open for a hug. When Naruto merely used his head as a springboard to leap over him, Neji was waiting, Byakugan active and ready for those paralyzing Juken strikes of his, okay of all the Hyuuga's but he knew how Neji fought, and couldn't afford to let him land a blow right now.
Spinning in midair, he summoned up a pair of clones that sacrificially tackled Neji down, while Naruto landed on them and took off running. Managing to keep barely ahead of Lee, who was talking about removing his leg weights. Naruto whimpered as he heard that threat, knowing that Lee would be able to catch and violate him before Naruto could even blink without his weights on. The only thing that let him know his rear was safe, was that Lee was too honorable to do anything like that... at least he hoped he was. The jutsu put that into question though, so he wasn't as sure as he'd like to be right now.
Summoning up a new set of clones, he spun on the ball of his foot, and suicide charged the two pursuers, hoping to throw them off their game while his clones scattered. Sure enough, Lee leaped over him, and Neji simply brushed him to the side and chased after a clone. Naruto wasted no time in celebrating, instead using the distraction to run as fast and as far as he could from the two hormones possessed teens.
His escape was short lived however as he ran directly into Roshi a moment later. "My sweet darling! So forward you are... it must be hard to resist me!" Roshi proclaimed as he held Naruto upright and close to him. Leaning down towards the smaller ninja, Roshi paused a moment before letting out a groan of dismay. "I finally get you to pursue me, and I fear it must be another's turn... The five tails shall be along shortly."
With that and a sad pout, Roshi pulled away and began to sulk towards Konoha, only to stop when Naruto called out. "Hey! Why don't you go find Gaara and the others, hang out for a while, and then we can all party after this stupid heat thing is over?"
Roshi smirked back, and gave him a cocky half salute. "Thanks kid, I'll think it over..."
Naruto laughed and started walking away, his eyes scanning for new threats. This last hour wasn't so bad, or at least he thought so, his libido on the other hand...
"DAMMIT! WHAT'S WITH THE SAUSAGE FEST! BRING ON THE GIRLS!" the pornoteer shirt clad part of Naruto's psyche bemoaned as it through a hissy fit. Needless to say, it wasn't entirely happy with the choice of pursuers.