I went with the flow like so many of you suggested, but be warned. It's a long chapter.
Chapter 25
"I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self-respect. And it's these things I'd believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn't all she should be. I love her and it is the beginning of everything." — F. Scott Fitzgerald
I felt miserable.
My spine, unbearably stiff and creaky like an old door hinge that hadn't been oiled in years. My backside, so cold that it made snow feel warm. Spending the night slumped against the shōji door was a horrendous idea, especially if the other side was facing the "great outdoors". This was something I would never do again given the choice. The measly thin paper of the door did little to keep the cold out. In fact, it was a freaking miracle that I even ended up leaning on the wooden frame instead of the paper portion of the sliding door. Because if I wasn't…
Well, then there would be a hole in the paper door that I really wouldn't want to fix.
Then there was the front side of my body. That side of my body was nearly as unfortunate as my backside. Souji, who had fallen asleep on top of me, was heavy. He also served as a poor blanket. Over the course of the long night, his head had slid down from my shoulder, coming to rest on my chest. This left everything above my chest exposed to the cold. Then there were my legs. Seeing as he was pressed up against me between my thighs, my legs were left to hang out in the cold the entire night. My toes felt especially icy.
And since he was so much larger and heavier than me, he practically smooshed me against the door, rendering movement impossible. If I could have moved him, then he would be sleeping on his futon. Obviously, things did not work out that way.
But on the bright side, at least my stomach was warm throughout the night.
I wiggled underneath him somewhat uncoordinatedly as I attempted to find a more comfortable position. The wooden frame of the door was rigid, inflexible, causing a bruise to form on my back from prolonged contact. I hissed and winced when I accidently bumped the bruise against the wood again. Deciding nothing I did was going to help, I promptly gave up on trying to find a comfier position and absentmindedly continued to rub gentle circles into Souji's back while staring at the shut shōji window screens.
Despite being unable to see through the shut shōji window screens, I could tell the sun was beginning to rise as fragments of dim light filtered through the translucent material. Dawn. The long night was over. My eagerness to move increased as I felt Souji stir. I heard a change in his breathing before he took a deep breath.
"Mmm…," he groaned drowsily, nuzzling his face further against my chest before I felt his limp arms tighten around my waist. His movements were slow and heavy.
His eyes opened slowly, first glazed over and unseeing before he blinked in a groggy manner. As if that action finally roused him from his sleep, he released my waist to put his hands on the floor on either side of me so he could push himself off of me. Sitting up in front of me, he sluggishly rubbed his face with his hand before he focused me with half-lidded eyes. He still looked half-asleep and nonfunctional.
I stopped him before he could rub his eyes with his unhygienic hands and stroked his cheek in an attempt to get him to wake up faster. There were traces of imprints from my clothing left of his cheek. "Are you feeling better now?"
He didn't answer. It was like he didn't hear me. Instead, he stared at me blankly for a few awkward seconds before he randomly picked me up, causing me to squeak in surprise, as he turned and headed towards to his unused futon.
"Souji?!" I flailed around slightly in his arms before my arms found stability around his neck.
He wordlessly flipped the covers of his futon back with a foot and meticulously set me down. Without wasting another second, he swiftly laid down next to me, pulling me flush against his chest before he swathed the both of us in his soft blankets. He hummed in satisfaction just as he tucked my head beneath his chin and buried his nose in my hair
"You're cold," he murmured as he closed his eyes again to return to sleep. "And it's too early to get up."
"Maybe for you, but it's almost the Hour of the Rabbit."
"And?" he asked rather stubbornly, his arms tightening around me. Even his legs seem wrapped themselves around my own legs to prevent me from leaving. I couldn't see his face but I could tell he was pouting.
"You may not get up around this time, but I do. Do you ever wonder how breakfast is always done by the time everyone gets up? I kind of have to wake up an hour earlier than everyone for that."
"Can't someone else cook breakfast today?" he asked, pushing his face deeper into my now messy hair. The hairpin keeping my hair up had fallen out sometime during the night and was now littering the floor somewhere. "Stay until it's time for me to get out of bed. Please?"
I rubbed his side in a mute reply before images of the guys attempting to cook breakfast surfaced in my head. I burst out giggling at the scene that played in my mind. Saito-san would be too focused on his tofu preparations to notice Shinpachi-san and Sano-san burning the vegetables in the back while Heisuke would be putting too much miso in the soup. The whole situation would continue to devolve until Hijikata-san scolded everyone for wasting food while Otou-san would try to convince Hijikata-san the food didn't taste that terrible while pointedly making sure to only eat the tofu that Saito-san prepared. Then the day would be saved by Inoue-san cleaning up the mess and Sannan-san suggesting that they all go out to eat.
"Do you really think that would be a good idea?" I said through my laughter. I brought my hands up to my mouth to snuff my laughter the best I could. "I've cooked nearly for every meal for the past several years that I think everyone else's cooking sense has withered. I don't think Shinpachi-san even remembers how to peel taro anymore."
Souji grumbled something incoherently before let out a disappointing sounding sigh. His hold on me slackened, allowing me to sit up on his futon. I grinned at him when I saw that childish pout on his face. His cheeks were red and puffy and his lower lip was sticking out petulantly. Then he sat up himself, tossing the blankets back as he climbed to his feet. He went to his cabinet and began pulling out a change of clothing with jerky irritated movements. There were no traces of sleepiness in his movements. It was almost as if his grogginess from before was an act.
"Just because I'm getting up now doesn't mean you need to too," I pointed out, still sitting on his futon under the blankets as I watched him.
"But I want to." The answer sounded so earnest that I felt like I was turning to mush around him. There was something in his voice that made me want to snuggle up to him for warmth like a puppy.
Then he started changing his hakamashita and I started staring at him uncharacteristically. I had to rip my eyes from his handsome form to glance down my hands as I fiddled around with the edge of the blankets. It was illogical. My body may have been young but I definitely didn't have the mind of a teenager. In fact, throughout my career as a doctor in my past life, I had seen several naked bodies before. I shouldn't have been gawking like a teenage girl with a stupid crush.
But I was and the knowledge I gawking at my closest friend, my childhood friend, for something so mundanely simple was embarrassingly mortifying.
I immediately shot out of his futon so I could busy myself with fixing my hair. I wanted to take my mind off of him and his wonderful muscles. But then it happened. My foot snagged on his blankets.
I waved my arms around stupidly in silence in a futile attempt to catch my balance while doing my best not to attract Souji's attention. The silence only served to emphasize the loudness of the thud when my face was introduced to the floor. I could hear Souji pause dressing in the background as I laid limply on the floor. I could feel his incredulous stare.
Sometimes I wonder why I even still try anymore.
But at least I was wearing hakama instead of a kimono. If I had been wearing a kimono and if it had ridden up my hips enough during the fall…
There was no point in lingering on what could have happened when it didn't.
"Shizuka? You alright?" I heard Souji ask as his footsteps came to a pause near my head. He tucked his hands under my armpits and pulled me off the floor. I looked everywhere but his face. "How did you even manage to trip? You're not normally this uncoordinated… Did you sleep at all last night or…?" did he keep me up last night?
"Erm…" My eyes landed my hairpin on the floor nearby. I focused on that instead. "I should go cook breakfast now."
He snorted at my pathetic attempt to change the topic but he didn't pursue his original question. He ironically learned the answer through my attempts to avoid answering it.
And his face dropped in guilt.
Like I said, why do I even bother trying sometimes?
I sighed before offering him a tired smile. "Don't feel guilty. It was my choice. If I didn't want to stay with you, I would have woken you up to get you to move."
I stood on my tiptoes in front of him so I could tap his nose playfully. When I saw a small smile surface on his face, I reciprocated it before I turned to head to the kitchen. I scooped my hairpin off the floor along the way and twisted my hair up before I headed for the door.
"Oh, wait! Shizuka," Souji called to me just as I stepped outside. I paused to look back at him. He was wearing a hopeful expression. "What are your plans for today?"
"I was going to head out to meet with Kyoko-chan after preparing breakfast."
Because what better way was there to sneak out without being followed than getting out before anyone was awake?
"Going out without an escort again?" He tied his sash, now done changing. He jogged out of his room to catch up to me before he looped an arm around my waist so he could walk with me to the kitchen. "I'll go with you today so you Hijikata-san can't get mad at you for 'sneaking' out."
I tilted my head at him in surprise. "Huh?"
Souji knew that I always ditched whoever was in charge of escorting me whenever I went out with Kyoko-chan. He also knew that I wouldn't ditch him if he were to come with me, that I'd be honest and ask him to give me and Kyoko-chan some private time if I wanted him to leave. But I could tell that he didn't intend on leaving me alone with Kyoko-chan today.
He wanted to spend the day with me.
"You don't want to?"
I couldn't find it within me to reject his hidden request, so I beamed at him just as we reached the kitchen. Like a gentleman, he opened the door for me and ushered me in.
Raising funds could be pushed off to a later date for now. Souji, he was far more important.
"Help me cook a quick breakfast?" I asked as I went to grab donabe. "We can head out as soon as we're done."
He seemed rather pleased with my answer and wasted no time heading out to fetch a pail of water. "I'll get the rice so you can focus on everything else," he called back to me. There was an adorable skip in his step.
Souji was so overjoyed just for this small outing that I felt guilt well up in my throat. For him just to be excited by something so simple, I was an asshole for neglecting him for so long. I had been so focused on work lately that I've only seen Souji inside headquarters and that was because we lived together and because Souji still took the time to look for me.
I couldn't help but loathe myself slightly after that realization.
Despite Souji helping me, breakfast took longer to complete than usual. Other than just cooking the rice, he had offered to cut the vegetables for me. I knew he had the best of intentions and wanted to speed up the process of cooking but it kind of backfired. The vegetables he chopped were inconstant in size, some pieces too big and others too small. By the time the smaller pieces were cooked, the larger pieces were still half raw. I ended up having to stew the vegetables longer to cook the larger pieces all the way through. Unfortunately, that reduced the smaller pieces into mush. However, that didn't bother Souji at all.
His exact words were, "They have food, so they don't get to complain. And since I'm not eating this morning, it doesn't matter if it's not cooked as well."
I whacked him lightly before scolding him but I don't think he even heard my words. Instead, he hastily ushered me to the front gate, only pausing to ask if I needed to fetch anything from my room before heading out. I was only able to shake my head before I was shoved out the gate. Hijikata-san just happened to crack open his bedroom door when Souji and I left.
"So where are we meeting with Kyoko-chan?" Souji asked, tilting his head in curiosity as he peered down at me after a good ten minutes or so of walking.
"Oh, you know that teahouse on the corner of Nishikikoji street[1]? We usually meet right outside." I shuffled a bit closer to him to avoid colliding with the back of another person.
It was still early but the streets were already beginning to fill up with people. There were even some kids out playing tag in the streets.
Souji hummed in affirmation before falling silent. He looked like he was trying to calculate something in his head.
"That's a thirty-minute walk, isn't it?" he then spoke up. "Why that teahouse instead of one closer to us?"
"It's because they open super early and Kyoko-chan likes to start the day with sweets. Plus, if the owner likes you, then you wouldn't have to pay for the tea." I reached for his hand and absentmindedly began to trace the dips between his finger. I thought his hand looked lonely at the moment.
He lifted my hand up to peck it lightly, making me strangely giddy from the small action. He noticed my reaction and winked playfully at me before asking, "So, free tea?"
I nodded before abruptly lurching forward clumsily as somebody collided into my back, nearly giving Souji a heart attack at the unexpected "attack". He spun around to face my attacker with steely eyes, hands on his sword, and his knees bent. Then, he attacked the intruder… with an exasperated sigh. He dropped his stance as he set to work on the laborious task of peeling Kyoko-chan off my back and shoulders.
"Morning!" she chirped without an ounce of remorse and even put more effort into clinging on to me just to annoy Souji even more.
She ignored Souji's grumbling and loud complaints about her tight grip as her grin grew in size, taking on an almost sinister appearance. Her eyes glittered suspiciously when she saw my hands devoid of all forms of equipment. She treated me as her personal rock-climbing wall a little longer before she hopped off. She still chose not to acknowledge my, now nonexistent, personal space.
"No work today?" she whispered into my ears, sounding strangely gleeful.
Souji didn't take kindly to being ignored and put his hand on her shoulder so he could yank her away from me. He inserted himself between me and her before scolding her reproachfully. "You know, you shouldn't sneak up on someone with a sword."
She ignored the tone of his voice to wiggle her eyebrows at me in a suggestive manner.
"I almost drew on you. Oi, are you even paying attention?" Souji waved his hand in front of her face to see if she'd react.
Kyoko-chan just shrugged her shoulders in a very "meh" fashion in response before focusing on me once again. That grin of hers, absolutely worrisome. One look and I could see that dangerous-looking glint in her eyes. She totally had something devious planned.
I nervously inched closer to Souji's side as he raised an eyebrow at me in amusement.
"Hey, Shizuka-chan~," Kyoko-chan said, bouncing up to me so she could snatch me from Souji's side once again. I hung limply in her grip, too tense to even attempt to escape whatever dastardly plan she had thrown together haphazardly in her mind.
She then pointed at some random handsome stranger peddling his wares on the side of the street, causing my blood pressure to plummet faster than the Australian dollar. "I need you to go ask that man something for me."
That was it? That was her devious plan?
"Ask him what?" I looked at the man she was pointing at in a rather lackluster fashion. He looked like he was vending fans.
Kyoko-chan was decisively unhelpful with her answer of, "Something." I think it was her goal to confuse me as much as possible at this point.
"Something? What is this 'something' you want me to ask him about?"
"Umm…," she hummed as she stared at the man before answering, "Inksticks. Ask him about the inksticks he's selling."
I wanted to slap my own forehead. I knew she saw that the man was selling fans very clearly, yet she was insisting on the inksticks. I let out a groan before looking to Souji for aid. He gave an unhelpful look that clearly communicated, "She's your friend, not mine. How should I know?"
"He's clearly selling fans," I decided to point out. "You know," I made a fanning motion with my hand, "things that do this. There's no ink."
At this point, I think Kyoko-chan was getting impatient with me. She booted me towards the vendor and when I looked back, she waved me away while snatching Souji by the arm. I witnessed her whispering something into his ear before I let out a loud sigh and headed toward the fan merchant. It was pointless to argue with Kyoko-chan. She was like a brick wall once her mind was made up.
"Excuse me, sir?" I said as I stopped in front of the merchant.
I immediately cringed and inched away slowly when the man practically jumped up and stared at me intently. His face looked so excited, for some reason, that it sparkled. It freaking sparkled like some creepy pixie magic crap. Suddenly, I regretted approaching the man so much that I weighed the option of being rude and fleeing with the option of being polite.
"You!" the man suddenly exclaimed before grabbing a bunch of fans. He then chucked one of his fans at me, which I barely dodged. "Buy a fan!"
"Err..." Nope. I was done with the guy.
But then the guy decided to chase me and pelt me with his fans while screaming, "Buy one!"
I didn't know what his particular brand of crazy he was but it was freaky. Beyond freaky. So I did the logical thing anyone would have done in that situation and ran. I had to run around the block to lose the guy and when I finally came full circle to the beginning point, the guy's fan stand was gone. It was like it wasn't even there in the first place.
I stared at the empty spot with my jaw dropped before I rubbed my eyes just to make sure. I looked back at where Kyoko-chan was still chatting with Souji before I looked back at the vacant spot. Kyoko-chan and Souji were still there but the crazy guy and his fans weren't.
What. The. Hell.
"Shizuka?" My heart nearly jumped out of my chest at this point and I would have bolted if Souji didn't grab me. "Hey, are you okay? You looked spooked." He rubbed my cheek with the palm of his hand, genuinely concerned as he tried to calm me down.
As for Kyoko-chan…
"Yeah, you totally looked spooked," Kyoko-chan chimed in nonchalantly, but she couldn't hide the shit-eating grin that was slowly emerging on her face. "It's almost like you saw a ghost."
I narrowed my eyes at her. "You. You planned that, didn't you?" She was smug, way too smug not to have been somehow not involved with that whole fan debacle.
"Hmm…? What?" She shrugged. Kyoko-chan sucked at acting. The proof was written all over her face in that smile of hers.
I looked back up at Souji, hoping to have his support but he just looked back at me in confusion. Unlike Kyoko-chan, he didn't know what had just happened, with the fans and all. He had seen absolutely nothing.
Just how did Kyoko-chan do stuff like this? The mystery of the century.
Then out of nowhere, Kyoko-chan let out an extremely fake sounding moan of pain before hunching over. She exaggerated her motions as she clutched at her lower abdomen while acting like she was dying. Actually, no. Not like she was dying. Like she was being mauled by a very angry teddy bear with its cotton-filled paws.
"Oh no!" she exclaimed, her voice out of tone. She didn't even sound like she was in pain! She sounded like she was about to kneel over laughing any second. "I can't hang out you guys because I'm having menstruation cramps! It hurts too much!"
"You're such a liar." I snorted as I crossed my arms at her while Souji just stared at us funny. "You suck at acting."
She broke out of her act. "Oh really?" she said while sounding all thoughtful before she went back to her horribly plastic wailing. "Oh! Pain! I'm going to go home and rest. You two go out together and do something fun."
"It doesn't work like that! You just told us you were faking it!"
Kyoko-chan ignored my outburst and started hobbling away, leaving me and Souji to stare at her in disbelief. Then before she vanished into the crowd, she turned around and gave Souji a thumb's up and a wink, while I could still see her. She then straightened up and skipped into the crowd, unhindered by her "pain".
Just who did she think she was trying to fool?
Oblivious. Yes.
Blind. Absolutely not!
"…Interesting friend you have there," Souji said, breaking the silence that had settled over us as we both stared at the spot where Kyoko-chan had vanished.
I just shook my head and buried my face against the side of Souji's arm like I was in pain. "You don't even know the half of it."
He just snorted at my answer before he pressed a kiss on the top of my head and lightly shook me loose so he could comfortably place his hand on my lower back. Without waiting for an answer, Souji ushered me down the street towards the different shops.
"Well, since we're out, let do some window shopping before we go find something else to do," he suggested, but instead of exploring the shops like his words implied, he made a beeline to a particular stall on the side of the street after walking a short distance. He seemed to know exactly where he was going and what he wanted. "I've been wanting to take you here for a while."
I looked up at him in curiosity. "Oh?"
He chuckled as he tapped on my back playfully with his fingers as steered me towards the stall. The elderly man running the stall seemed to perk up excitedly when he saw us approach and put on his best smile. Thankfully, this vendor seemed perfectly sane, unlike the one that sold those fans.
Because, seriously, if I ran into another merchant like that fan vendor, I'd never sleep again due to nightmares.
The table was covered with various carefully crafted kanzashi[2] and different gem-encrusted hair ornaments. They all looked so fancy and expensive that I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up once I saw them.
"Hair accessories?" I asked Souji, joking as I bumped my arm with his as an amused smile crawled its way onto my face. "What? Is my hairpin too plain and boring for your tastes?"
"Perish the thought, dear lady," he joked back an extravagant flourish before he allowed me to explore the table as he greeted the vendor with a simplistic yet friendly wave.
I picked up the kanzashi closest to my hand. It had five large flowers bundled together on it and it looked absolutely exquisite and expensive. As much as I wanted to buy a new hair accessory, it was probably a waste of good money. I placed the hairpiece back in its box as my attention drifted to the lilac one near the edge of the table. That one was pretty too.
"Oh? So you're back again today, Danna-sama[3]," the vendor greeted, surprising me with his words, as he bowed politely to Souji. The vendor's eyes then drifted towards me as he appraised me. He seemed rather pleased as he eyed me. "So this is the lady you've been meaning to bring."
"Good morning, Kita-san," Souji replied with such familiarity that it became obvious he came here more than just a few times. My eyes snapped to Souji questioningly. He noticed my attention and flickered his eyes down at me briefly but kept his focus on the vendor. "Do you still have the—"
"Ah, that one." The vendor didn't let Souji finish speaking as he reached behind the table to pull out a separate kanzashi in a small Japanese red pine[4] box before presenting it to us. "I took it off sale just for you because I knew you would come back for it."
There were three medium-sized, pure white, silk flowers with silver trims sitting on a two-pronged, silver, alloy piece. Extending from the three silk flowers that were bunched together like a bouquet were five strings of folded silk petals. Just like the flowers the petal strings were white with silver trims. The kanzashi looked like it was one of the simpler pieces on sale, but its simplicity was what made it gorgeous.
Souji reached over to take the box from the vendor. He placed the box on the table before plucking my own hairpin from my hair, surprising me slightly when my hair came tumbling down. Souji grinned at my expression of surprise before picking up the kanzashi from the small box.
"Look up for me," he said before placing his hand under my chin to tilt my head up slightly for better access. Then without even showing a hint of having any difficulty, Souji twisted my hair back up effortlessly before tucking the kanzashi into my hair.
"Beautiful." His voice came out almost as a whisper as his hand moved from under my chin to the side of my face. He rubbed gentle circles into my cheek with his thumb before he turned to the vendor. "Do you have a mirror?"
The vendor turned around and seemed to shuffle around with the few boxes he had behind him before he pulled out a circular mirror about the size of my face. He presented the mirror to me as he grinned excitedly. In fact, I could feel the man's hand vibrate with energy when I went to take the mirror from him.
I almost dropped the mirror when I caught a glimpse of my appearance. Souji had twisted my hair up into a different style from my usual hairdo. I had expected my hair to look slightly messy since Souji had never worked with a woman's hair seriously before this. It was anything but messy. The hair style Souji fashioned looked more mature and, dare I say it? More alluring?
I didn't like to admit it but I had always felt slightly childish with my old, secondhand hairpin. But this kanzashi made me feel like a lady, fully grown up and elegant. It made me feel like I was one of those women that could stop a man in his tracks with one seductive look. The inanimate object flattered me without even trying to and I was instantly smitten with it.
I had never thought I would love my own appearance this much before this.
Souji, who was watching me, seemed to know immediately what was going through my mind and tucked my bangs behind one ear. "All it does is emphasize the beauty you already have." He chuckled before whispering into my ear, "You'd still look beautiful without it."
I flush slightly at his hushed yet brazen complement and fumbled with my fingers when Souji plucked the mirror from my hands as I attempted to keep my hands busy.
"Ah, you're right. It does suit her," the vendor said as he took the mirror from Souji, but I could barely hear above my own pounding heart at this point.
I fiddled with my fingers a little while longer before a disappointing realization surfaced. This kanzashi was probably expensive. The money I managed to collect with Kyoko-chan's help was to help support the Roshigumi. I shouldn't be spending it on such unimportant objects. But just as I reached up to pluck it from my hair, Souji stopped me and shook his head.
"It's 1 shu, right?" Souji asked the vendor, causing my jaw to drop.
He intended to purchase it for me? Something so expensive? He wasn't earning any money right now so this would surely hurt his wallet. That amount of money could purchase a round trip from Nagasaki to Osaka!
I opened my mouth to object but Souji slapped his hand over my mouth nonchalantly without even glancing down at me as he continued to focus on the vendor.
"I'll give you a discount and cut the price down to 220 mon. It's not every day that I see something like this. It's nice to be young, isn't it?"
Souji chuckled at what the vendor said before dropping the coins into the man's open hand. He then led me away once the purchase was complete and didn't remove his hand from my mouth until we were sufficient enough distance away for the vendor not to hear us.
"What? You'd like to complain that it's too expensive now?" Souji asked, raising his eyebrow at me as the corner of his lips twitched upward.
I pouted before looking down at my fingers as I twiddled them around. "You shouldn't have spent that much on me," I mumbled, feeling a little defeated. "You don't have much money in the first place, so you should be spending what you do have on yourself."
"It's my money, isn't it? I should be able to spend money on you if I want to. Look, if you feel guilty then come with me to go visit the Kiyomizudera Temple again. The sakura trees are just beginning blooming right now and I want some company when I go see them."
I looked away from him briefly before holding onto his wrist so I could lean my head against his arm. He was such a liar sometimes. I knew, without a doubt, that Souji was only suggesting flower viewing because he knew I liked flowers.
"You know," I murmured as I took my head off his arm to look up at him, "you're too selfless for your own good."
"That's not true. I'm more selfish than you can imagine."
Despite knowing that he was telling the barefaced truth, I didn't believe him.
The rest of the day vanished in a blink of an eye, time disappearing way too fast. It had only felt like minutes while we were at the temple when, in reality, the whole afternoon had passed on by. The sky glowed orange, the clouds tinted with hints of purple as the sun started to sink below the horizon. Just as we were crossing a bridge on our way to headquarters, I paused to look at the sunset in the reflection of the river below. The water was slow moving, unlike the rapids that carried me into Otou-san's life.
"Shizuka?" Souji asked when he noticed I paused. He came back to stand next to me and ran his fingers along the pale skin of the underside of my wrist as he tried to get my attention. "Is everything okay?"
I turn to beam at him before wrapping my arms fondly around one of his arms. It did cross my mind that I was possibly being a little too clingy at this point, seeing that I practically hung off his arm all day, but Souji didn't seem to mind. In fact, all he did at this moment was chuckle at me before nuzzling my cheek with his nose.
"Today put you in a good mood?" he asked with his face still hovering close to mine. So close that if I turned to face him without care, we could bump lips.
"Not just that." I turned anyway, not caring that my lips briefly brushed against his lightly. His eyes widened slightly at the contact before he pulled back slightly and blinked. "I was looking at the river. I told you that Otou-san found me as a baby but I never did tell you where."
"It has something to do with a river?"
I nodded as I looked back down at the river. It was so clear that I could see the fish swimming down below. "To get rid of me, my haha-ue put me in an abandoned fishing boat and sent me downstream. It had just rained the day before, so there were rapids and the rickety old boat nearly overturn several times before it washed up on shore. It was just pure luck Otou-san happened to pass by and look in the boat."
"Were you terrified?" Souji asked, his voice soft as he pulled me closer to him as a form of comfort. He sounded concerned, probably thinking that this old memory was hurtful.
But it was just as wonderful as it was painful.
"I still resent my haha-ue for abandoning me like that, but I'm thankful." My arms tightened around Souji's arm as I leaned my head against his upper arm. "I have never been so grateful for her actions. If she didn't leave me at that river, then Otou-san would have never found me. I would have never met you."
"Shizuka…"
"And you know what?" I released his arm so I could spin around and beam at him. "While Otou-san, and even Hijikata-san, are irreplaceably important to me as family, you are the most irreplaceable person in my heart and my most important person. So thank you for always looking out for me and caring for me. I don't know where I'd be without you. I hope we have more adventures together with each other in the future."
I knew I was being overly sentimental but it spilled out of me before I could stop myself.
At first, Souji seemed absolutely surprised at my words. "I… Damn, that got me straight through the heart." His expression of surprise melted and his voice even quivered a bit as he snaked his arms around me. It almost sounded like he wanted to cry. "Thank you, huh?"
"Aw, are those tears?" I asked jokingly, purposely keeping the atmosphere lighthearted. Souji chuckled at my words as he placed his forehead on my shoulder.
"Hmm? What was that? I was just yawning," he said just before impishly plucking my new kanzashi out of my hair. He laughed at my flustered expression when my hair fell in my face so suddenly.
"Hey! I thought you bought that for me!"
"I did," he teased me as he twirled the kanzashi around between his fingers before he bolted. "See if you can get it back!"
I scoffed playfully before dashing after him.
It was a pointless mischievous chase. I knew I wouldn't be able to catch him, yet I still tried. He always kept himself within arms distance but every time I went to swipe at him, he would speed up just enough for me to miss. And then when he suddenly braked in front of me, I jumped on his back with a childish giggle, not caring that we had arrived in the courtyard of the Yagi house or that people were staring.
The men of Shieikan, plus Ibuki-kun were in the courtyard discussing something at the moment Souji and I barged in inappropriately cheerfully, interrupt whatever they were talking about. Only the four oldest men of the Shieikan group seemed to be missing. They paused whatever they were discussing to stare at me and Souji. Shinpachi-san seemed especially enthusiastic when he saw the two of us.
"HAH! YOU TWO!" Shinpachi-san shouted accusingly while pointing at Souji. "Because Shizuka-chan wasn't here for lunch, we had nothing but burnt vegetables, salty soup, and tofu for lunch! It's a sad day when it's the tofu that tasted the best in the meal!"
"Shinpachi, there is nothing wrong with tofu," Saito-san interjected only to be disregarded. "Tofu is healthy for the body and a staple food source."
"Hmph!" Souji said as he let me down off his back. "It's not my fault you guys all suck at cooking."
"Don't talk like you're not among us when it comes to crappy cooking skills," Sano-san objected, frowning disapprovingly at Souji with crossed arms. "This morning's breakfast reeked of your influence. Shizuka, did you have to let him help this morning? The vegetables were a bit mushy."
I smiled apologetically at all the men as Souji chose to ignore all the complaints by busying himself with my hair again. I could see Sano-san eye the kanzashi appraisingly before grinning approvingly at Souji.
"Well," Sano-san then added, "as long as the day didn't go to waste. That's a pretty hair ornament you have there, Shizuka. It suits you. Souji has good taste."
I nodded as I reached up to finger the delicate silk petals of the flowers before I willed myself to focus on the situation at hand. Despite my actions from before, I wasn't blind when I barged into the courtyard with Souji. I noticed the heavy atmosphere surrounding the men from before. Heisuke's behavior was especially telling. Crouched down with a stick in his hand, Heisuke drew pointless circles into the dirt absentmindedly.
"What happened when we were out?" I asked as I crouched down next to Heisuke. Heisuke's eyes flickered to me as he answered.
"Hijikata-san and the others wrote a code of conduct for everyone to follow. It applies to everyone in the Roshigumi, even Serizawa-san."
"Code of conduct?" Souji question as he glanced at Saito-san for a more thorough explanation.
"One: Do not deviate from the Way of the Warrior," Saito-san started, listing off the components that comprised the code of conduct. "Two: Desertion will not be tolerated. Three: Do not raise money without authorization. Four: Do not manage another's litigation without authorization. Five: Personal duels will not be tolerated. Whosoever breaks any of the rules listed must commit honorable suicide."
Seppuku[5]?
My face soured at the harsh punishment. It was too extreme. Plus, that third rule… I was glad that I wasn't considered an official member of the Roshigumi just because I was a woman. My head would have been on the chopping block if I was. Imagine that, saved by sexism.
"Hijikata-san wrote this, didn't he?" I asked, standing back up as I let out a sigh. "This just reeks of his influence. I can't believe that Otou-san and sensible Sannan-san agreed on this." Just hearing those ridiculously strict rules made me feel too drained to even get mad. That wasn't the case for Shinpachi-san, however.
"Dang, those rules are stupid!" Shinpachi-san snapped from his seat on the roka. "What the hell were they thinking?"
Sano-san was the definitely the calmer sounding one of the two regarding this. "Those rules were definitely too strict," he said, but his defensively crossed arms spoke louder than his words. This bothered him too.
However, not everyone seemed bothered the newly imposed set of rules. Saito-san didn't even react and Souji… I didn't know if it was because he was still high off of previous emotions or not, but Souji just seemed lax.
"If Kondou-san feels those rules are necessary, I will obey them," Souji proclaimed. He even looked slightly serene when he said this.
"That goes for me too…," Heisuke agreed as he continued to doodle in the dirt. "But I don't like my friends getting tied down by those rules…"
As someone who had friends in place of family and was a constant rule breaker, these rules must have felt like chains to Heisuke. The weight dragged down his usual buoyant spirit. This disheartened attitude didn't suit him. I put my hand on his shoulder to let him know he wasn't alone in this thought.
Then as a starch defender of Hijikata-san's actions, Saito-san spoke up. "We will probably need it for the new recruits we will be getting henceforth."
Heisuke dropped his stick. "I know… But it's kind of different from what I imagined…"
"But seppuku?" I questioned out loud with a frown as I eyed Ibuki-kun's panic-stricken movement. He was grimacing. "I know samurai think ritual suicide is an honorable way out of disgrace but the practice isn't practical. Life is valuable. One can still atone for wrong doings if he's still alive. Being dead does nothing but leave a mess behind for the living to clean up."
"You are a woman," Saito-san replied to me, not meaning to offend but still causing me to bristle all the same. "I doubt you understand."
"Oh, and what about Ibuki-kun?" I gestured to said young man, drawing some unwanted attention onto him. He was still squirming. "I doubt he agrees with the seppuku."
"Don't bring me into this!" Ibuki-kun exclaimed in a rude manner with his usual poor attitude. "It's not like I'm a member of the Roshigumi!"
"But if Serizawa had to slice open his gut, I have the funny feeling that you'd have to follow suit…" Souji pointed out without a hint of sympathy.
Ibuki gasped in panic as he stumbled back, his eyes wide with realization. "I'm leaving before I get caught up in any of this crap!" he yelled as he turned away from us.
He didn't believe his own words. I could still see his shoulders shaking from where I was standing. This discussion had shaken him. Feeling sympathetic towards his plight, I exaggerated my sigh to take everyone's attention off of him. It was kind of my fault in the first place.
"I'm going to go cook dinner now," I announced loudly with a clap. "Any special requests?"
"Shishamo[6]!" Shinpachi-san instantly yelled as he jumped to his feet excitedly. "I want two extra ones to make up for the crummy lunch I had today!"
I nodded, deciding to indulge Shinpachi-san's food desires for tonight before I grabbed Ibuki-kun by his wrist. He jumped at the sudden unexpected contact. Scowling once his eyes landed on me, he tried to jerk his hand away. I foiled his actions by brutally stomping on his foot. He yelped in pain before I hissed in his ear.
"Do you want to stay here as these guys continue to talk about seppuku?"
He froze up at my words and I could feel his shaking return.
"Come help me with dinner and you can avoid it."
Ibuki-kun paused to think about my words hesitantly before compliantly allowed me to lead him towards the kitchen. But before I could exit the courtyard with Ibuki-kun, I heard Souji make a sound of discontent. I paused to look back at him questioningly. He had a dissatisfied frown pasted on his face.
"Why are you taking him?" Souji asked, shooting a hostile glare at Ibuki-kun. The poor guy flinched before shrinking a little.
Thankfully Sano-san provided me an excuse. "Because the mushy vegetables from this morning were your fault. Shizuka is only thinking of us by taking someone who's actually decent at cooking as her helping hand."
Souji grumbled at those words and looked away like a sulky kid as he crossed his arms. He didn't say anything else, allowing Ibuki-kun to breathe out a sigh of relief. He rushed to the kitchen, leaving me behind as he did so. Not wanting to leave Souji moody, I ran back to him to give him a quick peck on the cheek before ducking into the kitchen. Just before I disappeared into the kitchen, I could see Souji smiling to himself as he touched his cheek.
At dinner, the effects of a bad lunch on Shinpachi-san could clearly be seen in the way he inhaled his food without choking. In fact, it could even be seen in the way everyone jealously guarded their food. Chopsticks lingered close to the food, ready to block any incoming thieves who found it prudent to selfishly obtain more food. Heisuke, in particular, inhaled his rice in a speed similar to Shinpachi-san's vomit-inducing speed.
It was impossible to steal from the stomach, after all.
I felt like I was going to lose my appetite from sight. So rather than focusing on those two inhale their food, I tapped Souji's leg before I placed one of my three shishamo on one of his plates. In response, Souji fished the spring onions out of his miso soup and dumped them on my rice.
Very unimpressive.
I bit back a lecture and just ate the gifted vegetables while shooting Souji a dirty look. He still seemed pleased with his own actions.
Heisuke then made a strange sound, cough while turning slightly blue before he pounded on his chest. Color seemed to return near instantly and without any hesitation or rest, he raised his empty rice bowl up in like it was some trophy and hollered, "Seconds!"
Forever dutiful, Ibuki-kun paused his meal just to go refill Heisuke's bowl.
"Pile it on!" Heisuke exclaimed cheerfully, his grin growing alongside with the amount of rice being dumped into his bowl.
"You got it."
Then, seemingly out of nowhere, Saito-san chose this time to speak up as he picked up his bowl of miso soup. "The fragrance of this house is superb." He paused to sip his soup. "When eating freshly cooked white rice while enjoying the aroma, its true value become evident. Nothing is more complex than the simple things in life."
Saito-san's way of telling Heisuke to slow down to enjoy the flavors of the food. However, the meaning seemed to just fly over Heisuke's and Ibuki-kun's heads.
"Huh…," was all they mustered as Shinpachi-san saw his opening.
Like a skilled crane hunting, Shinpachi-san swift movements liberated half of Heisuke's last shishamo before he plopped it into his mouth.
"WAH!" Heisuke yelped at the sight of his prized portion sliding down the thief's throat. "Shinpat-san, what do you think you're doing?!"
"See, in our world, the strong eat the weak."
"In that case, I'll—" Heisuke launched his own attack on Shinpachi-san's food, hoping for payback. "Why you!" Blocked. "You—!" Blocked again. "You—!" And again.
There was no way he'd be able to steal from Shinpachi-san now that his opponent was aware of his intentions but bless Heisuke's stout heart. He wasn't one to give up easily. He'd even encourage others during the plight of his own struggle.
"Ryunosuke, don't let your guard down!" Heisuke exclaimed, snapping Ibuki-kun out of his daze as he watched the little food war. "You better be careful!"
"Take someone's food before they take yours!" Shinpachi-san added just as he blocked Heisuke's chopsticks again.
"Really?" Ibuki-kun asked naively before he made the fatal mistake of reaching for Saito-san's food.
Then, like a man possessed, Saito-san struck. Almost faster than I could see, Saito-san's chopsticks shot out only to stop right at Ibuki-kun's throat. Saito-san's glare was so icy that I swear that I could see the silhouette of a demon appear behind him.
Ibuki-kun froze while looking like his spirit had fled from his mouth.
"If you need me for something, wait until after I am done eating." Saito-san's eyes then narrowed menacingly. "In the world of beasts, you have no right to complain if you get killed for disturbing a stronger animal's meal. Furthermore, this is one of my favorite dishes. Never go after it!"
Absolutely frightened at Saito-san's sudden change, Ibuki-kun fell on his butt and hastily crawled backward just to get away. "G-Got it! M-My bad!" The poor guy was still shaking, even after Saito-san returned to eating calmly.
Sano-san snickered at the whole scene he just witnessed. "You must not value your life," he said just as he filched one of the small fish from Ibuki-kun's unguarded plate. "Of all the people here, I can't believe you went after Saito's food."
"I'm the type that eats his favorite food first!"
"Then you better start eating," I suggested before pointing to his own tray of food. "Because, just in case you didn't notice, Sano-san just hijacked a fish."
"AH! You thief!"
Ibuki-kun quickly scrambled over to his food and then began shoving food into his mouth, causing Sano-san to burst out laughing. Meanwhile, Heisuke, having completely failed to steal any food from Shinpachi-san, sagged in his seat in defeat before looking to me.
"Shizuka-chan…" Heisuke whined to me with big watery eyes. I caved and gave him one of my shishamo. He cheered up near instantly and swallowed the fish with one big gulp.
Shinpachi-san, now no longer having to defend his food from Heisuke, focused this attention back onto his own food. He tilted his head in curiosity at one particular dish. He poked the pickled vegetables on his tray before he picked them up to observe them in better lighting.
"What is this pickle?" Shinpachi-san finally asked as he examined the leafy green from different angles. "Weeds? Are they even edible?"
Otou-san looked up from his food to answer. "That's called mibuna[7]. Farmers put their sweat and blood into growing it, so don't be a picky eater."
"Yeah, yeah." Shinpachi-san stuffed the greens into his mouth whilst looking off put like a little kid who just ate something he didn't like. "Kondou-san is so stern about stuff like that since he used to be a farmer."
Surprised at that revelation, Ibuki-kun paused. "He wasn't born into the warrior class?"
I shook my head. "No, but since Otou-san was so strong when he picked up a bokken, the original master of Shieikan Hall adopted Otou-san as his heir."
"Oh...," Ibuki-kun said as his eyes drifted over to Otou-san. He was probably trying to figure out Otou-san's kenjutsu style.
I took one more bite of my rice before I placed my last shishamo on Souji's plate and filched some of his vegetables. Souji raised his eyebrow at my action but didn't complain.
"Toshi," Otou-san said, breaking the short silence and snapping Hijikata-san out of his thoughts, "why don't you put work out of your mind while you're eating?"
"Huh? Yeah, I should…," Hijikata-san mumbled before exclaiming in alarm when Otou-san gave him one of his fishes. "What are you doing Kondou-san?!"
Otou-san didn't even appear bashful after getting scolded at by Hijikata-san. He just continued smiling. "That wasn't enough, was it? Eat up."
"But you still haven't eaten a single bite!"
"Back in out Shieikan days, you frequently shared your food with me."
"What brought this on?" Hijikata-san asked, looking flustered. "Knock it off! We're beyond such formalities, aren't we?"
"Oh, you're absolutely right!" Otou-san exclaimed before letting out a jolly laugh.
"Jeez, you're unbelievable…" Despite the words, Hijikata-san still smiled. "No matter what the situation, you always place others before yourself."
Otou-san and Hijikata-san then began a separate conversation about old memories and their days back at the dojo. Souji, who had witnessed and heard the whole interaction between the two men from earlier, put down his bowl before staring down at his lap with envy. Hoping to make him feel better, I put down my bowl and rubbed his thigh. Souji smiled bitterly at my actions before placing his hand over mine.
"Anyway," Shinpachi-san interjected, interrupting Hijikata-san's and Otou-san's conversation, "we're finally in the service of the Aizu domain!"
Heisuke perked up at the enthusiastic exclamation. "Couldn't we afford to upgrade our dinner?" he asked excitedly, bouncing in his seat. "Well, Hijikata-san?"
The ambiance of the whole room dropped alongside with Hijikata-san's face and suddenly, it felt like my stomach dropped to the same vicinity of my ankles. Hijikata-san didn't speak right away.
There was a problem he wasn't telling us about.
"That will have to wait until they start paying us." Hijikata-san closed his eyes, probably feeling unworthy to look at everyone as he put down his bowl.
The room fell silent.
Otou-san then sighed, breaking the dreadful atmosphere with somewhat forced smile. "Well, they are probably uncertain as to whether or not we are worthy of their trust."
"Is that right…?" Heisuke said. The energy that filled the main hall previously was gone and no one bothered speaking anymore.
Then the sound of clinking ceramic echoed through the room as Souji placed his chopsticks on his empty bowl. After Otou-san had spoken earlier, Souji had quickly inhaled his food at an unhealthy speed. I glanced at him questioningly but he ignored me.
"Thank you for the meal," Souji said with a little polite dip of his head to excuse himself.
Otou-san paused his meal and looked to Souji with knitted brows. "Souji, that was fast," he commented just as he put down his half-filled bowl of rice.
"I need to get in some sword practice. Right now every second counts."
While Souji's words did make perfect sense, it almost felt like Souji was simplifying the situation.
Then as he was climbing to his feet, it looked like he suddenly remembered something. He paused his movement, hesitating slightly before he crushed whatever doubt was in his mind. He pecked my forehead unexpectedly before he stood up and put his hand on the door. Just as he slid the door open, Shinpachi-san spoke.
"Practicing right after you eat is bad for your body."
Souji didn't turn to face everyone. He just stood still while facing the open door. "Shinpachi-san and Hajime-kun got lucky. I'm dying to slay a bunch of those rogue samurai."
The worst possible thing to say during dinner, and very obviously the wrong move.
I lost what was left of my remaining appetite and dropped my chopsticks on my tray. I could see the Hijikata-san's face twist sourly while Otou-san was in complete shock at what he just heard. A trainwreck was eminent. I glanced at Souji, dread pooling in the pit of my stomach for the second time during dinner.
I wasn't the only one that lost their appetite. Sano-san frowned as he put down his bowl. "What a thing to say."
"Souji, haven't you been acting weird lately?" Heisuke asked, appearing somewhat doleful in his concern.
Then seemingly out of nowhere, Hijikata-san said the worst thing he could possibly say in this situation. "Souji, I want you to go back to Edo."
I wanted to slam my head into my tray. There was going to be another altercation between Souji and Hijikata-san, but this time, Otou-san was going to witness it. Souji was all too aware of that. Something was going to break.
Souji froze in horror at those words. He broke out into a cold sweat while trembling, trying his best to remain calm. "That joke wasn't the least bit funny," he said, his voice quaking slightly.
"I'm not joking. It's better for you to leave."
"And your rationale?" Souji turned to face Hijikata-san's stony emotionless face. He looked absolutely shaken at Hijikata-san's seriousness. "What's the reason for sending me back. We need all the men we can get right now. Wouldn't it be a great loss if I leave?"
"Unlike peasants, like me and Kondou-san, you are the firstborn son of a samurai family. You have the rights to become a government official and with your sword skills, any dojo would issue you a certificate. You're still young. There are too many ways you can make a living."
I closed my eyes at Hijikata-san's words. Like a good older brother, Hijikata-san wanted what was best for Souji. He didn't want Souji's hands to be covered in blood. He didn't want Souji to kill and it was going to be inevitable if Souji stayed.
Hijikata-san's intentions were admirable, but not what Souji wanted. I clenched my teeth bitterly.
No one asked Souji what he wanted and it was suffocating him. Making him feel worthless.
And then Souji snapped. "What does being the firstborn son have to do with anything?! My brother-in-law inherits the family! Speaking of being the firstborn son and being someone that excels in swordsmanship, isn't Shinpachi-san the same?!" His voice raised in pitch with every word before his voice finally cracked. "Why are you telling me to return to Edo?!"
"Lately—"
I slammed my hands on my tray, drawing everyone's attention as the ceramic bowls and plates clattered against each other, making the sound of broken glass. I couldn't take any more of this.
Souji had a fragile psyche and any more of Hijikata-san's words would cause him to reach his breaking point. Hijikata-san cared for Souji like a little brother but he didn't know how to handle Souji at all. All Hijikata-san's words did was create more cracks.
"Shut up," I snapped at Hijikata-san. "You have no idea what you're talking about. You're going too far."
Hijikata-san glared at me, irritated at my interference. "Shizuka, be quiet. Stay out of this," he snapped before turning his full focus back onto Souji. "Lately, Serizawa-san's influence is making you go on about how you want to cut down people. You're still a kid. He's making you lose sight of yourself."
Souji broke.
"Hijikata-san, you just think I'm in the way because I stick by Kondou-san, don't you?!" Souji's voice was still sarcastic, but just barely. It shook like he was going to cry. He sounded desperate and it didn't suit him.
"Toshi," Otou-san intervened uncomfortably. I noticed that he made it a point not to look at Souji. "Why did you suddenly bring this up?"
"We're in Kyoto to defend the peace. But he wants to kill. That's all he thinks about. We can't let someone like that stay here."
Otou-san closed his eyes briefly before speaking. "Souji—"
"No! There's no way I'm going back! I'm going to stay here and help you, Kondou-san!"
And Souji took off running, disappearing into the night and causing me to scramble to my feet to give chase. Hijikata-san was an idiot.
"Shizuka!" Hijikata-san snapped at me, causing me to pause just as I reached the door. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and paused to give him time to say what he wanted to say to me, but I still glared at him. "Don't chase him. Give him some alone time to sort out his thoughts."
I scoffed in disbelief. The lack of communication between Souji and Hijikata-san was appalling! Right now was the absolute worst time to leave Souji alone.
"You think of Souji as a little brother but you don't understand him well at all!" I hissed at Hijikata-san through my teeth. "You don't know how to properly deal with him at all!"
"And you think you know any better?!" Hijikata-san snapped, now losing his temper with me in his frustration. "You spoil him too much and just let him behave however he wants! He needs to have more control and structure in his life!"
"You know what? Screw you," I spat hatefully one last time before bolting after Souji, but he was already gone. It was a hauntingly similar situation to last night at Shimabara.
"Wait, Shizu-chan!" I heard Otou-san call after me as soon as I left. I ignored him.
Souji was nowhere. I checked his room immediately. Empty. His swords were gone too. He had run straight out of the Yagi house. Anywhere in headquarters right now would deem too close to Hijikata-san. He wanted to get away.
But where would he have gone? He had nowhere to go outside of the Yagi house. Unless…
I bolted out of headquarters without pausing to grab my naginata. True, it was dangerous on the streets of Kyoto after sundown but I didn't care. I knew where Souji ran off to now and I didn't want to waste anytime fetching my weapon from my room. The bridge where both Souji and I had lingered during our way back, that's where he had to be.
Like any other person, when in distraught, comfort was found in locations associated with positive memories.
It took mere minutes to arrive at the bridge but it felt like hours. My throat and lungs burned, my legs were sore from sprinting so far. It was chilly.
But all of that was unimportant.
Souji was standing in the middle of the bridge, just like I predicted, while glaring down at the water below. His hands were gripping the wooden handrails with so much force that I feared that he would get splinters in his hands. He chewed on his lower lip and kicked a single foot back and forth as he was lost in his lonely, self-deprecating thoughts. He was so preoccupied that he didn't even notice me until I placed a hand over his.
His eyes widened in surprise at the sudden contact as his body very notably jerked back as he spun around to face me.
"Shizu—!"
He dropped his words when I abruptly wrapped my arms around him. He still shook horribly. His shoulders were still tense, and I could feel the hurt just oozing out of him like puss from an infected wound. At first, he was stiff, unable to respond to me for the first few seconds. Then his composure collapsed and he leaned into me, wrapping his arms tightly around me as he tucked his face against the crook of my neck.
"Everything will be alright," I whispered as I rubbed his back soothingly.
"I don't want to go back to Edo," he murmured into my neck. It hurt to listen to the melancholy in his voice. It hurt to hear someone so strong sound like this. "I want to stay here and help Kondou-san."
"I know. I promise you I won't let anyone send you back to Edo. I won't let you be alone." I paused, allowing him to suck in a deep breath. "I promise that you'll stay here with all of us."
He was still feeling raw. His hold on me tightened as he spoke. His breath felt moist against my neck, tainted with restrained sniffs as he held back tears. Even when he finally released me from his desperate embrace, I knew he wasn't ready to go back yet, to face Otou-san and Hijikata-san again. I wiped away a tear in the corner of his eye with my thumb.
"You know," I said gently after a moment of silence as I reached for his large hands. He looked down and grabbed my hands. "Hijikata-san didn't tell you to go back to Edo because he thinks you're in the way. He thinks of you as his innocent little brother. He doesn't want to see you kill people."
Souji closed his eyes, dropping my hands as he turned his face away. I had said the poisonous word of the hour relentlessly. I wanted Souji to understand.
I didn't want him to just drift away from his friends the way he had with his older sister. His friends were his people and they cared about him.
"And Otou-san also thinks of you in the same way," I continued, putting my hand on his face so I could turn his face back towards me. He reopened his eyes and laid a shaky hand over my hand on his cheek. "The other guys are also worried about you and the amount you have been saying 'kill'. This is just how they show their concern."
His face twisted painfully as I broached on another topic he wanted to avoid and he pulled his face away from my hands. "I never needed their concern!" he cried with a raised voice. He then looked down at his feet like he suddenly couldn't bear to look me directly in the face. "I was never innocent to begin with…"
"But they don't know that. This is why they're all so worried about you right now."
He bit his lip again, seeming to debate about something with himself before he looked up at me. He looked tempted to tear his gaze away from me as soon as he looked me in the face. But he didn't. He opened his mouth only to shut it again. Then, he finally spoke.
"But you weren't worried about the same thing as them, about me losing my innocence... You were worried about me being alone instead."
I put my hands on his hips, prompting him to put his hand on my arm. He held on to me like he was afraid I would suddenly vanish.
"I knew from the very beginning that you weren't innocent. You've gone through things at an early age that left scars. You were so cruelly beaten as a child." I paused briefly as I shifted my gaze to the hand on my arm. "You wouldn't be human if thoughts of killing those who have wronged you, of getting revenge, didn't pass through your mind. You never did have to hide that from me. I already knew."
Souji froze, suddenly looking panicked. It was like his heart stopped.
"You knew…?" He grabbed my upper arms desperately. There was fear in his movements. "But you hate violence. Why…," he paused painfully like he didn't truly want to find out the answer, "…Why did you stay by my side?"
"Just because I hate violence doesn't mean I hate you."
His face suddenly became engulfed with an unreadable expression. He looked directly into my eyes like he was searching for something.
"When you care for someone, you don't love in parts, dividing up and ignoring the unfavorable portions. You love that person as a whole, faults and all. Because, in the end, it's the imperfections that make a person who they are, and who you love."
As soon as I finished speaking, Souji's face came down on mine, his lips capturing mine as his arms snaked around my waist to pull me flush against him.
I froze.
I didn't expect this.
I didn't expect him to kiss me.
I'll admit that I'm dense regarding all matters of romance despite my past-life experience. Everything from the subtle hints to the most obvious and brazen hint always flew over my head. But I even I knew the differences in between the different types of kisses.
Even I could realize the context of this kiss.
Souji was never the type of person who was able to develop a simple crush. He had been burned so many times in the past that he erected a barrier of sarcasm and snide jokes to hide and protect himself. He was never the type who could freely bare himself to another person.
But once he found someone he could trust wholeheartedly, he would stop holding back.
I didn't know what I was supposed to do.
I understood the type of love one gave and received from friends and families. That was what I was familiar with. What I didn't understand, what I didn't know, was what it was like to be in love. I did know that the love I had for Souji was different from what I possessed for my other friends and family, but I didn't understand what made it so different.
Was it because I trusted him in a way I have never trusted anyone else?
Was it because we were so close?
Was it because his happiness had come to become my happiness as well?
I didn't know.
I had remained frozen and motionless for too long, however. Souji began to pull away when it became obvious I would not respond. But if I just let Souji pull away now, he would regret his actions. He would feel unbelievable pain from what he believed to be rejection. While I didn't understand what I felt towards him, I didn't want him to be hurt anymore. I didn't want to join the list of people that had caused him pain.
So I made my choice. My stupid, foolish, irresponsible choice that was made without any true understanding.
Before he could pull away completely, I cupped his face and pulled him back so our lips collided again.
I could feel the doubt drain from his body as he eagerly pressed his lips against mine with a little more urgency. Yet, he was still so gentle, so mindful of my comfort levels. His lips stayed on mine until we were both breathless. He then so lovingly laid a gentle hand on my cheek afterward, giving me a short break to catch my breath with a faint smile before he went back for his next kiss.
And suddenly, his word wasn't so dark anymore.
[1] 錦小路通 (Nishikikoji Street/ 錦…brocade, 小路…street) Many craftsmen who wove brocades for kimono lived along this street in the past.
[2] Kanzashi (簪) are hair ornaments used in traditional Japanese hairstyles. Some models may have been modified for self-defense.
[3] Broadly used to describe a patron, a husband, or a master:
1. (honorific) a master of servants, a boss of employees, the master of the house
2. (honorific) by extension, an honorific for one's own or someone else's husband
3. (honorific) also by extension, used by shopkeepers to address a male customer or by an artisan to refer to one's own school or lineage
4. (honorific) a term used by a concubine, mistress, or geisha to refer to one's own patron: a sugar daddy (honorific) a term used by female servants to refer to the mistress of the house
[4] Pinus densiflora, the Japanese pine or Japanese red pine, has a home range that includes Japan, the Korean Peninsula, northeastern China (Heilongjiang, Jilin, Liaoning, Shandong) and the extreme southeast of Russia (southern Primorsky Krai). This pine has become a popular ornamental and has several cultivars, but in the winter it becomes yellowish. The height of this tree is 20–35 m. The Japanese red pine prefers full sun on well-drained, slightly acidic soil.
In Japan it is known as akamatsu (赤松, literally "red pine") and mematsu (雌松). It is widely cultivated in Japan both for timber production and as an ornamental tree, and plays an important part in the classic Japanese garden. Numerous cultivars have been selected, including the variegated semi-dwarf Oculus Draconis, the pendulous, often contorted Pendula and the multi-trunked "Umbraculifera" (Japanese 多形松 tagyoushou, sometimes spelled as tanyosho).
[5] Seppuku (切腹, "cutting [the] abdomen/belly"), sometimes metathesized in English as harakiri (腹切り, "abdomen/belly cutting"), is a form of Japanese ritual suicide by disembowelment. It was originally reserved for samurai. Part of the samurai bushido honor code, seppuku was used either voluntarily by samurai to die with honor rather than fall into the hands of their enemies (and likely suffer torture) or as a form of capital punishment for samurai who had committed serious offenses, or performed because they had brought shame to themselves. The ceremonial disembowelment, which is usually part of a more elaborate ritual and performed in front of spectators, consists of plunging a short blade, traditionally a tantō, into the abdomen and drawing the blade from left to right, slicing the abdomen open.
[6] Shishamo (柳葉魚, literally "Willow Leaf Fish"), or Spirinchus lanceolatus, is a saltwater fish (smelt) about 15 centimeters in length. It is slim and resembles a willow leaf. the Japanese name, shishamo, is derived from the Ainu name for the same fish, susam, which is supposed to be derived from a compound of Ainu susu, "willow" plus ham, "leaf"; hence its name in Chinese characters. It is generally dark on the back with a silver-white underside.
In Japanese cuisine, this fish is grilled or fried whole and served with its roe intact.
[7] The taste of mizuna has been described as a "piquant, mild peppery flavor...slightly spicy, but less so than arugula." It is also used in stir-fries, soups, and nabemono (Japanese hot pots).