Annoying

Today is my first day back to school. April vacation is over and I am back; Johns wake is today and they are also burying him tonight. I don't know if I can last the whole day but I know I have to be as strong as I can. I have never let anyone see me with my guard down and I couldn't let it happen now. I was currently eating breakfast while Ricky showered. I really don't know how to do this. How do I get through a day with out breaking down? I jumped when I felt Ricky's hands on my shoulder and him kiss my head.

"You were really out of it, I was calling you for like 2 minutes and you didn't move just kept eating." He said

"Sorry I was thinking, what were you calling me for." I asked

"I wanted to see if you were ready to go yet" he said

"Oh yeah, just let me grab my bag" I said and faked a smile

"You know it is only me here you don't have to give me fake smiles. You can just be upset Ames" he said

"It wasn't fake" I said

"Don't lie to me Amy; I am just trying to freaking help you." He said in an angry voice

"What do you want from me? You want me to walk around the halls at school miserable so I can have people look at me with all those pity stares as it is. Do you want me to cry so you can hold me and tell me it is okay. You want me to walk around with my heart on my sleeve? You want to be my hero and pick up the pieces of my life. I don't need it, I have been working out my emotions all my life I don't need you to come in and try and rescue me. I am not Adrian you don't have to make it better for me, I can do it by my freaking self, and if you're waiting for me to fall apart then don't because it won't happen again." I yelled

"What was the last two nights then? You didn't fall apart in my arms then? You didn't need me then? You know what it doesn't matter let's go we are going to be late." He said and slammed out the door. I walked out the door with my bag and my purse and sat in the front seat of the car. I couldn't wait for my birthday so I didn't have to ride with him. He looked at me and made sure I was buckled in before he drove to school. The car ride was silent and I knew I shouldn't have snapped at him but I can't do this, I don't know how and then for him to point out that I needed him scared me. I don't want to depend on anyone else and that's what I did. We pulled out to school and stood by the car not saying anything we still had some time before the bell and I wasn't ready yet. I was about to walk away when I felt someone gently pull my wrist and pull me so I turned around and it was Ricky and he pulled me into his arms and kissed my head. I just snuggled in and forced myself not to cry. I felt him kiss my temple and then he pulled away.

"You didn't think I was going to let you go in there without me did you?" he asked

"I don't know anything right now." I said and he nodded

"Ben is coming this way." Ricky said and I nodded he probably heard about John.

"Amy" he said and I turned around and smiled

"Hey Ben, What's up?" I said

"I just wanted to say I am sorry for the loss of your dad's friend John" Ben said

"Thanks Ben I appreciate it." I said

"If you need help getting over it or just to talk about him I am there. You know because he liked me so much better than Ricky. I can be there for you." He said

"You know I thought that maybe you were a good person that you could be nice and offer your condolences and you did until you have to bring Ricky into it. You always have to make it some love triangle, but Ben it isn't I love Ricky and he loves me and that's it. As far as talking about it, I have Grace and Ricky and my family you met John twice if that, and if you want to be honest he didn't like you. He thought you were pushy and controlling and he told me many times to leave you, but Ricky he told that if he hurt me he would beat him and to make sure he took care of me and his baby because there is no greater joy." I said

"He liked me; he threatened to beat me if I ever hurt you or pushed you into something you didn't want to do. He said I need to learn respect and that even though he didn't see a future for us that he would respect your wishes." He said

"Did you just hear what you said he didn't like you he thought we had no future which we don't and he knew I shouldn't trust you?" I said and walked away with Ricky following me and off to our first class. I couldn't concentrate I was miserable and was doing my best to let no one know that but every time someone would mention John my eyes would well up with tears or if someone mentioned death or drinking or hell at this point even purple. I felt my tears well up with tears. I knew it was intensified because I was carrying this little man. I didn't know if I was going to make it threw the day. I was lost in thought when the bell rang for lunch. I just finished gathering my things and walked outside where I seen Grace waiting for me and I almost came undone.

"Hey mama" she said in a sad voice

"Hey Grace" I said

"How you holding up?" she asked

"Not good. I don't know what they hell I am doing, and I snapped at Ricky today. I know I shouldn't have because he is just trying to help, but I did. I was faking a smile and he told me not to fake a smile I told him I wasn't he said don't lie and I was mean and snapped we didn't talk the whole way here and only spoke a little when we got out the car, and then Ben came over and started with me. I just want to go home." I said

"I am so sorry Amy, I miss him too." She said

"I know you do. He loved you, and he always told me when all else fails you would always have my back." I said as we sat down to eat.

"I loved him too, did you bring lunch?" Grace asked

"No, but Ricky knows he will bring me something and if he doesn't I will eat half of his." I said smiling

"You need to let him help you" Grace said

"I don't know how" I said and my eyes welled up and she came over and wrapped me in a hug. That's how Ricky found us. Grace and I pulled away and Ricky kissed my head.

"Hey baby" he said and handed me a tray of lunch

"Hey, thanks" I said and leaned and kissed his cheek.

"How are you holding up?" he asked

"I am not, every time my teacher calls on someone named john, or talks about death, or something we used to do, my eyes well up with tears, hell I am even ready to cry if some one says purple." I said and laughed a little

"You know you could always leave early tell them what happened and go home. They would understand." Grace said

"Yeah but John would want me in school. You know he would want me to get good grades and do the best I could for this baby." I said and they nodded

"So have you thought about a name for the baby?" Grace asked

"Well I was going to talk to Ricky when we went home but I was wondering if you would be okay with naming the baby John, I just felt he was one of our biggest supporters and he loved me and this baby. I also think that maybe he can be this baby's guardian angel. I don't know what I want for his middle name but I like John Underwood." I said looking at both of them and they both had smiles on their faces.

"I love it baby and I think John, no I know John would be honored and love that you thought so highly of him." Ricky said and kissed my head and rubbed my belly. I smiled

"I love it Amy. I think it is the perfect fit." Grace said and I smiled and we finished eating lunch with light conversation. Before I knew it school was over and I was heading to my locker to throw all my stuff in there. I finished all my homework in study hall so I was ready for the wake. Ricky and I called out of work Saturday and it was okay by everyone, they knew we needed to do this. I was walking out of the classroom when I saw the one thing I didn't need today Adrian talking to Ricky. I inwardly groaned and walked over to him and kissed him.

"hey baby" I said to him

"Hey babe" He said back and he put his arm around me

"Excuse me if you didn't notice I was talking to him." Adrian said

"I noticed, I just chose not to care." I said

"Wow your extra testy today, aren't you" She said in a sarcastic way.

"Adrian leave her alone" Ricky said

"Why do you always defend her? The only reason you are with her is because she is having that child you two love to show off." She said

"Wow, are you still jealous of the fact that I am having his baby, and that he loves me, and doesn't need to go to other girls to be satisfied. That he comes to my house and sleeps there and cooks for me. Or that he set up a romantic dinner the other night because he knew that was what I needed. Or that I know him better than anyone. It must really make you mad that I didn't have to beg him to be with me. That I don't have to wonder what he is doing behind my back." I said

"So help me if you weren't pregnant right now I would" she started to say until I cut her off

"You would what hit me punch me. Come on Adrian I smacked you at least two times and I think I punched you once, and you did nothing. So don't use my child as an excuse of you being afraid to do anything." I said and she looked like she didn't know what to say but than got an idea

"I talked to Ben today, he said you lost someone close to you and you were in rare form today, said he tried to be nice and you bit his head off" she said with a smirk I herd Ricky go to say something but I stopped him

"So this is what this whole thing is about .You want to use a death of a loved one to provoke me and what Adrian, make me cry, make me back down, or run out of the room crying. If that is what you were trying to accomplish it won't happen. It may hurt like hell to lose someone so close to me, but I would never give you the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Your not worth it, and let me tell you something about my dad's friend who passed away. He was proud of who I was and he always told me to stand up for myself and never let someone see your weakness so if you think I am going to run away in tears you have another thing coming, don't' you see you lost Adrian. There is nothing you can do to hurt me because you don't have any impact on my life. You don't have Ricky, or his baby and you can't hurt me." I said holding my ground

"But Ricky can always come back to me." She said with a smirk

"Is that what you think, he is going to leave me and this baby for you? Oh and if you think that seducing him into sleeping with you is going to work it won't, but hey if you do. I still win because everyone will see you for what you are a home wrecking slut who took away a child's father because she wanted a go in bed. Oh and you would probably try the most popular pull him into a kiss when he can't see my but you can. Just remember it won't work because he loves me and I believe in him and know he would never do anything to hurt me." I said with a smile and watched as she stormed off.

"Let's go home" I said to Ricky and he nodded and led me to the car and drove home, we were silent the whole way home. I knew I had to apologize for snapping this morning but I wanted to do it when we got in the house. So we pulled up and got into the house and I dropped my purse and went into the kitchen to put tea water on. Ricky sat at the kitchen table and I got a cup for myself out and started to fix my tea the way I liked it. The water boiled and my poured my self a cup and sat down at the table with Ricky.

"I am sorry for what I said this morning." I said and he looked at me

"Why did you say it?" he asked

"Because you pointed out that I needed you and it scared me. I never needed anyone I only ever needed my self, and when I realized I needed you to help me get through this it scared me because I know no one is ever there forever and if your not here for some reason and I need to do it on my own, and I can't because I relied on you too long. Than what happens. I know I said some pretty hurtful things, but I lash out when I am scared and I try and push people away. It is a habit and I am trying my best to break it. I guess I just don't like people seeing me weak. I get pity stares from everyone in school now and I just don't want them now. I also know I shouldn't have brought Adrian in our fight. I know you only want to help. I am sorry." I said

"I know you are and I love you and what you said to Adrian about me more than made up for it. You believe in me and that is something no one else has done. And I was trying to be your hero but I find my self needing you too and just like you it scares me." Ricky said

"We should get dressed, Johns wake and things are soon and I want to be on time, and look presentable because I have to speak." I said and Ricky got up and pulled me into a hug.

"I love you baby, I will be back to get you in 45 minutes" he said

"I love you too." I said and locked the door behind him. I went and jumped in the shower and to find something that actually fit. 45 minutes later I was waiting on the couch after putting a butt load of tissues in my purse. I herd Ricky come in and I stood up, he looked handsome in his suit and I knew I would be alright. We went to the wake and walked in to pay our respects. I took his daughter aside and asked how she would feel if I named the baby John, if she would be okay with it because I didn't want to step on her toes and she said she loved the idea. The priest came and did his thing and now it was my turn to go up and talk. Ricky squeezed my hand and kissed my check and so did my dad and when I got up there and looked out it was like John was standing there telling me it was okay.

"Hello everyone, My name is Amy and John was my father's best friend and I grew up looking at him as an uncle. John was a loving man and funny, and a know it all. John would often come to my parent's house for holidays and was always there for every party we ever had. He almost ruined one surprise party we had. I remember when I was little I would lay on my love seat in my pajamas and I would stick my feet in his face and he would catch them take out his knife and pretend he was going to cut them off and I would scream and laugh and laugh and scream. He never got tired of it. As I grew up he often gave me good advice and helped me when I needed it. John was always working as all of you know but he always made time for the important people in his life. John always told me to stand up for what I believe in and never show any one my weakness so this way they couldn't use it against me. He loved me so much and he always looked out for me. About 8 months ago I was dating his kid, and John had met him at a party and told me to watch out for him and he was right he was nothing but trouble. I recently started seeing my current boyfriend and the father of my child, and he told my boyfriend, Ricky, to take care of me and to love my child because there was no greater gift. When people found out I was pregnant I got the same speech how, why, I am disappointed in you, but not with John. I remember exactly what he said. He said "things happened some are planned and some are not there is no use being angry or disappointed because you blame yourself as it is. He said everyone makes mistakes but that doesn't mean they have to be bad. He said all you can do is deal, and you are. You have decided to raise this baby and give it the best life possible, you already love this child and want what is best for him so I am so proud of the woman you have become." I was in shock because I was waiting for someone to tell me I was wrong, just like everyone else. He talked about his daughter every time I seen him, he told me how blessed he was to have her and how much he loved you, and you were the light of his life. He didn't know what he would do with out you and he would often be found listening to "Butterfly Kisses" he said it would remind him of you. He loved you more than his own life. Yesterday when I was thinking about everything I thought about what I wanted to name my own child and I already talked to Ricky and his daughter because I didn't want to step on her toes, but she kindly told me it was fine. I am naming my baby boy after John. I haven't come up with a middle name yet, but I am honoring him the best way I know how. He loved my baby and he isn't' even here yet and I feel that John can be a guardian angel for this baby. I will end this with saying I love you John and I hope wherever you are you are at peace. Thank you" I said with tears in my eyes and leaned into Ricky, and let go and cried. I cried for the rest of the night between everyone else's reading and the burial by the time we pulled up in front of my house I was exhausted and my eyes were burning. I went in the bathroom and showered and when I came out Ricky was already in his pajamas and in bed. I got dressed and joined him snuggling into his arms.

"Thank you" I whispered

"For what?" he asked

"For being patient with me even though I gave you every reason to leave." I said

"Well you are stuck with me baby." He said and kissed my head

"That was a good speech you gave" Ricky said

"Yeah I just spoke from the heart." I said

"Well it came out like you practiced and you didn't break down until after you were back to your seat. You are strong baby, that's how I know you will make it through this." He said

"You have so much faith in me." I said

"Because I know you and I know you can do anything you put your mind to" he said

"Thanks" I said and leaned up and kissed him

"Can you believe Ben and Adrian today?" I asked

"No, I mean especially since they knew you lost someone close to you. You would think the appropriate things to do would be at least to wait a week." He said with an amused voice

"I still was able to tell both of them off and I am pregnant and emotional." I said with a smile

"You are beautiful and feisty" he said laughing and I smacked his chest

"Yeah and I still no more than both of them" I said yawning

"You told him baby, you stood up for me and John and our relationship." He said

"Some times I wish it wasn't always a fight and I didn't need to stand up for our relationship because people think we are going to fail." I said yawning

"I know baby, but we can make it through anything I know we can." He said

"Yeah people are annoying" I said and passed out. Tonight I would sleep good.