Entry #51 (Friday January 19, 1973) – One Day After
When I woke up in the Hospital Wing this morning, the curtain was up, and I could hear Allie arguing with the nurse. I couldn't see either of them, but it sounded like Allie was annoyed about something and Madam Pomfrey was losing her patience with discussing the matter.
"He won't mind," Allie said. "He wants me here!"
"I know that, Miss Bond, but I'm afraid I cannot allow it this morning," Madam Pomfrey said. "After I talk to him, then maybe you can visit. For now, leave the homework—"
"He'd want me here," interrupted Allie. I thought I heard a quaver in her voice.
I heard a sigh. "I know that may be the case, but I am going to see what Remus would like to do first," the nurse said sternly. Her tone implied that the conversation was over, but if I knew Allie, she would keep arguing.
"Nurse?" I called, hoping to at least temporarily stop whatever fight they were having.
Madam Pomfrey let out a gasp. There was a shuffling sound and a "No, Miss Bond," from the nurse. Then Allie grumbled, and I knew she had been made to stand back as the nurse poked her head around the curtain. "You're awake, Mr. Lupin," she said. Her tone was a little too sweet, a little too guarded.
"What's going on?" I wondered.
She hesitated. "You hurt yourself rather badly last, Remus," Madam Pomfrey said.
Frowning, I looked down at myself, trying to find some hint of injury. I didn't feel hurt. There was usually some sort of residual pain when I ripped open something important, but I felt completely fine. Just as I was about to give up and ask the nurse what she meant, Allie appeared around the curtain. Her eyes found mine and a hand flew up to cover her mouth. "Oh my!" she cried, rushing towards me. She faltered for a moment, trying very hard to keep a grimace from her face, and then, gingerly, she brushed her fingertips across my cheek. "Oh, Puppy…"
A slight tingling across my nose and mouth spread out from where she touched me. I understood then, and I reached up, feeling the raised and jagged skin that formed my new scars. There were three of them, all clearly claw marks. One went across my nose, one just grazed my mouth, and one ran directly under my right eye.
"Miss Bond," the nurse scolded, but she sounded disheartened. "I told you to wait."
"It's fine, Madam Pomfrey," I mumbled. "I like having her here." Allie had taken my hands in hers, to prevent me from continuing to feel the scars. She gripped my fingers loosely, and I was grateful for the pressure. I don't think I could have felt anything otherwise.
Madam Pomfrey nodded and stepped closer, attempting to smile. "I'm sorry, Remus," she said. "You… you know werewolf wounds are cursed wounds. There was only so much I could do to prevent the scarring. They may heal more completely over time but…"
"I understand," I said, staring at Allie's hands.
The nurse stared at me for another moment, her eyes watery. "I'll leave you to think, Mr. Lupin," she said. "When you decide what you would like to do, just give a shout."
As she strode away, I glanced up to look Allie in the eyes. "How bad is it? Be honest."
She bit her lip and her eyebrows knit together nervously. "It's not nearly as bad as it could be," Allie offered, sounding like she was trying very hard to be diplomatic.
I made a face at her. "Allison Nicole Bond, if you care about me at all, you will be honest and tell me how bad it is," I implored. "Don't tell me it's fine if it's not."
Letting out a heavy sigh, she said, "On a scale of one to ten, I'd say it's a seven."
"Thank you," I replied calmly, though it was worse than I had anticipated. These scars were obvious, glaringly so. Only time would cause them to fade into less noticeable lines across my face. I knew everyone would be able to spot the scars instantly, and I couldn't think of a single way to explain them besides the truth.
"Okay, please don't close off like that," Allie said. "I don't like it when I can't tell what you're thinking."
"Sorry," I sighed. "I'm just… worrying. I don't know how I'm going to explain this. It's not like this injury can be mistaken for much else."
Allie paused for a moment, thinking quickly. "How about I'll tell everyone I saw you get attacked by a dog?" she suggested. "The only people who might not believe me are Peter, James, and Sirius. They all think you went to visit your mom last night… I'll have to think of something else to tell them."
"They're the ones I'm most worried about, Allie," I said. I averted my eyes to stare out the window. "What if they figure it out? They might not come around like you did."
"Then…" Her voice caught in her throat, and I guessed she was reliving those two weeks she avoided me after learning I was a werewolf. Allie took a deep breath and tightened her grip on my hand. "Then I'll still be here."
I muttered my appreciation as she hugged me, her arms tense. We talked for a few more moments, but Allie had only stopped by during lunch and she had to get to class. She assured me she would handle the excuses, and I watched her go, still very apprehensive. Would anyone believe her? Probably not, but it wouldn't help anything to worry about it now. I swallowed my nerves and lay back down to sleep.
The nurse tried to bolster my spirits when I woke up again, and gave me a mirror to examine the scars for myself, claiming they really weren't so bad. They didn't look nearly as terrible as they felt, but they were still bad. A dog bite, or even a dog attack, was hardly a believable excuse, but I could only hope Allie had managed to sell it.
I gave the mirror back to Madam Pomfrey, and she cleared me to leave the Hospital Wing, only after assuring me that I could stay a day or two if I wanted. I promised her that I would be fine and declined the offer. My new face would have to be dealt with sooner or later, and I didn't want to put it off more than I had to. I walked out of the doors with my chin up and headed towards Gryffindor tower, absently touching my scars as I climbed the stairs.
The common room was empty, and it took me a moment to realize that classes must still be going on. Relieved that I wouldn't have to deal with everyone right off the bat, I went to the dorms and fell into my bed, deciding to read while I waited.
An hour later, my friends showed up, followed by our other dorm mates. All of them were putting their books and bags away, and nobody noticed me right away. Pete was the first, saying, "Welcome back, Remus," as he threw his bag under his bed.
"Oh hey, Remus is back," James said with a smile.
"Got some notes for you, Remus," Sirius added, reaching into his book bag. He was the first to actually look my way. The other two had only spared glances, but Sirius halted, his bag half open, and he stared at me, his eyes clearly on my newly marked nose. "Bloody hell, Remus, what happened?"
The others all snapped their focus to me, and I braced myself for their confused stares. It was Wesley who responded first, saying "Allie told me he got bit by a dog in Hogsmeade," to the others. "It looks gnarly, Lupin. You'd think the nurse could patch up dog bites better." Then he wandered out of the dorm, followed by Daniel and Owen, who gave their own condolences for what had happened as they passed.
"You would think Madam Pomfrey could do a better job with dog bites," Sirius said. I could practically feel the suspicion in his tone.
"A dog really bit you, Remus?" Peter asked. "When did this happen?"
I took a moment to consider what Wesley had said, trying to determine the lie Allie had spread around the school. "It happened this morning," I said, setting my book aside and sitting upright. "Usually McGonagall is the one to get me when I come back from visiting my mum, but Allie got permission to meet me at Hogsmeade during lunch so she could walk me back to the school instead. Just as we got past the village, though, a dog came out of nowhere and bit my arm." I rolled up my sleeve, displaying a scar I had gotten there years ago. "Allie went for help, but the dog got me pretty good by the time she got back. Then I was taken to the nurse, and she thinks the dog was rabid or something because the wounds didn't heal right. But there wasn't anything more she could do, so she sent me back to the dorms."
They were quiet for a moment, taking in the story. Pete gave me a sympathetic look, and then Sirius threw his arms in the air, as if exasperated. James shot him a look, but Sirius ignored it and sat on his bed, shaking his head at me. "Your lies have gotten really good, Remus."
I blinked at him. "Excuse me?"
"Cut the crap, Remus," he said. "We all know you didn't get bit by a dog."
"Sirius…" I heard James say warningly.
"No, James," Sirius argued, turning to James with a frustrated expression. "Why should we keep acting like we don't know?"
James looked sad. "Because he doesn't want us to know," he reasoned.
My heart beating fast, I tried and failed to find my voice. I couldn't even open my mouth to stammer. An empty wind began to echo in my ears, blocking out sound and disorienting me. It felt like if I so much as breathed my world would collapse. All I could do was sit on my bed, my face stony, unable and unwilling to move as my friends spoke.
"Remus?" I heard Sirius say. It took me a moment to realize my friends were focusing on me again, and my eyes unwittingly met his. Despite his earlier frustration, Sirius' features were remarkably kind, and I stared at him, begging him without words to not say anything else.
"Tell us what really happened," Sirius said, ignoring my pleading eyes. "A dog didn't give you those scars."
Denial. That was the only feasible option. I couldn't have a repeat of what happened with Allie, and I would do anything to prevent it. Then, when I opened my mouth, I didn't deny what Sirius had said. Instead, my jaw quivered as I tried to keep the tears from spilling out of my eyes and I choked out words I never wanted to say. "I clawed myself in the face," I said, and I lowered my head, not wanting them to see how close I was to crying.
Peter gave a little squeak of shock and James mumbled a swear word under his breath. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder, and Sirius was in my line of vision, having knelt on the ground next to my bed. "Mate, look at me," he said. I didn't look at him, but that didn't stop him from putting his arms around me in a comforting way, somehow making me feel better in this horrible situation. "It's okay. Take your time."
I sat there, letting Sirius hold me, trying to work up my nerve. It took a very long time, but eventually I said, "I'm a werewolf," before hiding my face in my hands. They didn't say anything while I collected myself, or maybe I just didn't hear them over the horror sounding in my head. "How long have you guys known?"
"Since we visited your house over the summer," Sirius said gently. "But that was just James and me. We didn't get Pete in on it until we got back to school and could make sure he wouldn't say anything."
"Fantastic," I muttered, though deep down it didn't surprise me they had known for so long. They had been so obvious in their suspicion.
For the next hour, I sat in the dorm with them, answering their many questions. I told them about the shack, what transforming was like, what Dumbledore had done to help me safely attend Hogwarts, how long I had been a werewolf… The questioning went on and on. I answered everything, still expecting them to turn on me at any second.
Then I explained what had happened when Allie found out.
"That's why you never told us," James accurately surmised. "You thought we'd do the same thing… that we wouldn't get over it."
I nodded, not looking at them. I don't know why I was so ridiculously worried. They all were acting extremely supportive. But I haven't dealt with much acceptance when it comes to my lycanthropy, and it was hard to wrap my head around the fact that they weren't frightened.
"Well." Sirius hesitated, and then rested a hand on my knee. "Well, you don't have to worry about us ditching you, mate. It doesn't bother us at all."
I let out a laugh that sounded more like a sob and tried to smile. "You don't know how relieved I am to get this out in the open." I couldn't say anything else. Grateful didn't even begin to cover how I felt in that moment. I gave all three of them strong embraces before I started crying, and they let me alone for a few moments so I could get myself together.
When I said I was okay again, they didn't jump back into the werewolf conversation. I think they knew it had worn me out. Instead, Sirius grabbed his book bag and gave me his notes to copy, and the four of us did homework.
I still can't believe it happened. I confessed what I am to my friends, and they didn't desert me. They didn't run away. My friends, my wonderful friends, stayed and did homework with me.
Why did I ever worry?
When she had found out… that was when Tonks had first kissed him, she recalled, closing the diary for a moment to collect her thoughts.
She remembered it had been only a week since Sirius' death. Remus sat at the kitchen table of his very small flat, his hand around a mug of tea that he had yet to drink. Tonks had come by to check on how he was doing, and now she sat next to him, watching his tea get cold as he stared off into space, completely oblivious to her.
"Remus, look at me," she tried. Her hand reached out to take his free one, and he barely returned the pressure. He didn't look at her. "Remus, please."
With a long sigh, Remus glanced to the side, his sad eyes finally resting on her. "Yes?"
"I just want you to talk to me," Tonks said.
He paused, and Tonks could tell he was bothered from the way his muscle was working in his jaw. "About what?" he asked slowly, and he stared at his tea mug, fingering the handle. He still hadn't dropped her hand, which Tonks took as a good sign. "I can't talk about Sirius, if that's what you mean. Not yet."
"Then we don't have to talk about him. We can talk about something else."
He became quiet again. When he finally resurfaced from his thoughts, his eyes were no longer sad, and his face had hardened, his trademark mask hiding any emotions he had been feeling. "Dora, I don't want to talk about that, either."
Her stomach clenching uncomfortably, Tonks scowled at him and pulled her hand back. "I didn't mean that," she said, hurt.
"Of course you meant that," Remus said, his blue eyes on her again. "You always mean that. Ever since . . ."
When he trailed off and pointedly looked the other way, Tonks rolled her eyes. "Ever since you almost kissed me but said 'This is a mistake' and ran off instead?" she snapped. "I'm not weird for wanting to talk about that. Normal people in a normal relationship would want to deal with—"
"We're not in a relationship," he blurted, interrupting her.
"That's because you won't let it happen," she said, calmer than she felt. "I care so much about you, and I'm fairly certain you care about me too. The only thing stopping us is you."
"I'm not right for you, Dora," he said. "Why can't you see that?"
Her lip trembled, and she held her mouth tight until she was sure she could speak again without her voice betraying her. "You keep saying that, but you've never given me a reason," she said. "How can I think you're wrong for me if there isn't anything wrong with you?"
Remus was silent again, and his mask slipped for just a moment, revealing in his features what Tonks could only describe as exhaustion. He cautiously took her hand again, gently running his thumb in circles on the back of her hand. "Dora, you're just a girl who fancies herself in love with a much older man," he said quietly. "A man you know nothing about, might I add."
"I know plenty about you," she protested. Her neck prickled at his touch, and she hoped her cheeks weren't red. "Like how you read to avoid talking to people, and that you drink peppermint tea when you've had a bad day. You're quiet and shy, but friendly too when you have to be. I know you're loyal, and good, and just so . . . brilliant."
Daring, Tonks moved her hand up his arm, brushing the base of his neck with her fingers. She could feel him tense at her touch and she reluctantly pulled her hand back. Neither of them moved for about a minute after that, and she could tell his brain was reeling to find the right words to say.
"I'm a werewolf, Dora," he said at last, sounding measured and hesitant.
It was the first time she had heard it. From him, at least. She had her suspicions of course, but she had never been sure, and she had never wanted to ask in case it made him uncomfortable to discuss it. Licking her lips, Tonks leaned forward. "And?" she asked.
The confusion on his face was almost worth all the pain of their non-romance, if only because it was the first time she had seen a genuine expression from him. Usually his features were set, meticulously arranged to display only the emotions he allowed to slip through, and it was so thrilling to see something real. She didn't wait for him to comprehend. She leaned in again and kissed him boldly on the mouth, and for the first time he had been too stunned to stop her. When she drew back, Tonks gazed into the kind blue eyes she had fallen in love with and said, "What does it matter if you're a werewolf? You're still you."
This time, he kissed her, pulling her close and wrapping her in his strong arms. He had been so uninhibited in that moment, holding her, knowing she wasn't bothered by his illness. His other doubts may have gotten in the way later, but when it counted, when he had felt most insecure about their future together, she had kissed him.
Shaking her head to clear away the memory so she wouldn't start crying, Tonks turned the page and kept reading.