The day I had shared with Logan had been the hardest day of my entire life, I was physically and emotionally drained.
I never once thought that the lives of big time rush would ever be as complex as they are. I glanced at Logan who had finally fallen to sleep in the arm chair of his lounge. It was early now, the clock on the wall told me it was just coming up to 6am. I had fallen in and out of sleep since Logan and I had moved in here early last night
We had talked for a little bit. He never mentioned anything about me using the same guest room I had previously been in or him going to bed. I don't think he wanted to be alone so the sofas became our beds.
I sat up from the couch I had been laying on and stretched my arms out. Logans sofa was comfy but it wasn't designed to be slept on. I stood up feeling a crook in my neck.
"Hey... you okay?" Logan said sleepily as he watched me walk across the room.
"Morning... yeah I'm fine, I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you I just needed to use the bathroom." I said trying to assess the state of mind he was in today.
"I dont think I was properly asleep. Did you want a hot drink?" He asked now sitting forward in his chair.
"You stay there I will do it Logan." I said softly.
He nodded. "Gaby have you heard from James?" He then asked.
"Yeah he called me yesterday at Regan's house... I told him vaguely what had happened. I said I would call him." I explained.
Logan nodded. "Make sure you do okay."
"Okay... I really need to pee." I said crossing my legs together as I stood in the doorway of his lounge.
Logan offered me a small smile as a way of dismissing me. Once I had used the bathroom and freshened myself up I walked into the kitchen to make two very strong coffees. Once I had filled the kettle up and put the switch down for it to boil I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and called James not really caring what time of morning it was.
"Gabs!" James answered sounding alert. "How are things today?" He asked.
"I'm not sure on how carlos is, we left him at Regan's but James... James we need to talk huh?!" I said matter of factly.
"Yeah, yeah we do gabs. Did you want me to pick you up?" He asked.
"I don't want to see Kendall again for as long as I live so I have no interest in going to your house." I said a bit miffed.
"He isn't here... he went to a hotel. You want me to come to you? Where are you?" He asked
"No!... I'm at Logan's but he could do without the stupid problems I have with you. Look, pick me up and we will go out somewhere... James this is just closure okay!" I said making sure he knew that we weren't getting back together.
James didn't respond to that comment. "I will be round soon okay." He said, his voice sounded calm and soothing. I was actually looking forward to seeing him. He was my only bit of home I had in Los Angeles.
Once I had made it I handed logan his coffee, he had a change of clothes on. "Have you seen this?" He said as he pointed to his iPhone that he held in his hand.
I took it from him, "no I've not heard anything about it." I replied as I read the text on his cell. News of Regan had made headlines, pictures of Carlos and big time rush were circulating all over the net. There seemed to be a lot of chit chat about twitter, the further I read on the further I understood.
Regan hadn't left a suicide note, as far as I could tell she had said everything to Carlos that she needed to when he left her house last when they said they loved each other.
what Regan had done though was leave a message in a tweet.
She had sadly come across a tweet that had her name tagged in. A girl who was named PenaPrincess tweeted yesterday: "please do the world n Carlos a favour ReganValentine n just die already!"
Regan responded to this tweet which what I thought sounded like it had been written by someone with a very clear head on their shoulders.
"PenaPrincess I hope the world will change to a better place. u are the beginning of that change!" She had left a hashtag at the end which simply said "StopTheHate!"
I handed Logan his phone back. "That... is fucked up! she must of been so depressed if that took her to the edge." I said.
Logan nodded. "Carlos has apparently deleted his twitter account, I found a text on my phone from him this morning which said he is quitting btr" Logan said in a whisper.
I sat down on the sofa I had spent the night on. "Jesus christ.. how much more can go on." I said outloud but to myself.
Logan shrugged. "I can't blame him really, I wouldn't want to be part of something where the fanbase had played such a huge part in destroying my life." Logan said
"What's happening with the girl? Can she get in trouble for writing it now that Regan is dead?" I asked.
"I I'm not sure... she was 12 Gaby, 12 years old and wrote that out in the heat of the moment, she has to live with that for the rest of her life." Logan said sounding sad.
I gulped hard. So many terrible things were happening, and as the door knocked another terrible thing was about to be unleashed on to me.
I walked to the door of Logan's house and opened it up to the handsome guy I had been so in love with. He just stood there. I greeted James with a hard slap around the face then wrapped my arms around him and sobbed. It was bitter sweet.
James took me to the beach, the sun was very low still as the early morning set in. The air was cold with a slight wind.
I welcomed it though as we sat down on the sand. It was refreshing and helped to blow away the horrors that the last 24 hours had brought me.
"Here take this." James said placing his black leather jacket over my shoulders.
I wouldn't of accepted it, but feeling the warmth and getting the familiar smell of James the jacket offered me I pulled it in around me. Memories of the plane journey swam in to my mind when we had the flight from hell sat next to a jack ass. I was so happy that day when I had been handed the jacket.
"Thanks." I said as I looked out to the ocean, a large cruise liner was making its way past us in the distance.
"I got a text from Carlos today... do you know if Logan has heard from him?" He asked as his conversation ice breaker.
I nodded. "Big time rush is history." I said relaying the information Logan had told me.
James nodded as he sat beside me. His arms rested on his knees as he too looked out to the ocean. "I'm not sure how I feel about it yet." He said softly.
I looked at him, the side profile of his face as he watched the tide come in looked tired. The wind blew his thick dark brown hair this way and that.
"Did you sleep last night?" I commented.
James turned his head and looked at me. He shook his head. "No... not really. You?" He asked.
I swept some of my hair that the wind took, back behind my ear. "A little... James shall we cut to the chase?" I said making eye contact with him.
"I'm sorry... you know I love you don't you." He said.
I didn't comment nor move my head. "You and Kendall... James I want the truth. How long was it going on for. It was pretty obvious from what I saw that you looked comfortable with each other." I said breaking away from his gaze.
Possibly the longest breath left James' lips beside me.
"On and off... it's been going on for years." He revealed.
My mouth opened in shock. "Years?! Why on earth would you start something with me if you have been... in a relationship with him!" I said harshly.
"James shook his head. I've not been in a relationship with anyone Gaby.. it started off with me getting drunk with Kendall... one night things changed and we ended up kissing. It was different, you know, no harm done. Kendall and I grew closer as months passed and on the first night of one of the summer tours he ended up sucking me off. it felt great at the time... fun, exciting... naughty. We were young and stupid but it just formed in to a habit." James concluded.
"So you only messed around... you didnt fuck each other?" I asked.
James looked at me, he knew I wasn't going to like the answer that he was about to give.
"At first it was just... experimenting, but the start of this tour... the one you came to! Kendall and I ended up doing it."he said in a whisper.
My eyes shut as he said the words. My stomach felt sick but I had to ask the next question. "Who did who?" I asked nervously.
James looked away from me and out to the waves of the ocean again. I could see the cold air getting the better of him as goosebumps appeared on his skin.
"I fucked him." He said sounding appalled at himself.
"So what happened, why did you suddenly make a bee line for me when we first met?" I said raising my next question.
"Being with Kendall all this time was fun... in a sense, but it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted a normal life. But Kendall wanted me. I told him that we couldn't continue and that everything was to stop and he was cool with that. We went back to how we used to be and things seemed normal. Then on the last night of the tour I met you gabs... I fell in love with you!" He stated.
"So Kendall got jealous?" I said as I stayed looking at James as he stared out to sea.
"Kendall has always been open with his feelings and he has admitted that his feelings are a lot stronger than what he would like." James replied
"You mean Kendall is in love with you?" I said a bit taken aback.
"Pretty much... yeah. Gaby I don't want to be gay, I don't want to have a boyfriend, I want to be a normal guy and find a beautiful girl to one day grow old with." He said now turning his head and meeting my gaze.
"So the celebrity party you took me to, you were meant to be going with Kendall? you were his date?" I said trying to piece it all together.
"Not his date, but we had made plans for a fun night weeks before I met you. but I changed my mind, I wanted you, so I went back for you." James said defensively.
"And the reason that Kendall has been such a jack ass to me is because he is secretly in love with you!" I said with a crazed laugh.
"I would imagine so yeah... he is a nice guy." James said then shut up realising that this was not the moment to be talking about Kendalls good points.
"James if you don't mind me asking... when we had sex the first time and you said you were inexperienced but had sex once before... was that once before the time with Kendall?" I asked him, I dug my feet in to the sand as a slight distraction.
"Yeah... I've only ever been that close with two people... you and him." He said.
"Well when I went back to Canada why did you want to call it a day if you were in love with me?" I asked completely overwhelmed by all this new information.
Kendall talked to me... he begged me to be with him, start afresh together. He talked about this life we could have and ... well I guess I just got carried away... he has this hold on me Gaby." He replied.
"James do you love him?" I asked.
James looked at me for several moments. "No... I love you." He replied taking my hand.
I looked at the joined hands. it felt nice but uncomfortable all at the same time.
"Gaby I love you. Please let me have one more chance. I've been stupid and it's only made me realise how much I can't live without you... please don't make me live without you."
"I do love you. I would be lying if I said I didn't. But James I can't come to terms with the fact you have been sleeping with another man... did you sleep together while he was staying at your house?" I asked nervously.
"In all honesty... yes, but I was so confused." He replied.
"Are you gay James?" I said looking away.
James shuffled about next to me as I waited for his response, I then found him moving in front of me, he was knelt down in the sand, his face looking directly back at mine as he now blocked my view of the sea.
His brown eyes looked huge, his eye lashes making his expression look so soft. Taking my hand in his again he began to speak.
"I'm not gay Gaby... I'm not. I love you and I need you. Let me prove it to you, I will do absolutely anything to have you back in my life." He said looking in to my eyes.
I stayed silent, I couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't give him false hope.
"Gaby I kept secrets from you... I kept really important secrets from you and I'm sorry. I'm begging that you will let us start again... please!" He pleaded with me.
I rubbed my thumb on his palm as he held my hands. "The night before Regan died your phone kept vibrating, it was after midnight... who was trying to get hold of you?" I asked.
"It was Kendall... He is... He is possessive, if I'm not where he wants me to be then he can be a complete ass hole. Gaby I'm glad you know about it now because he threatened me with telling you all the fucking time." He said.
I shook my head. "James..." I began starting to cry again. "I can't compete with most girls... let alone your best friend that wants to have sex with you... I can't compete with that." I sobbed.
James looked at me for a few minutes. "You won't have to... Gaby I can't let you go!" He said pulling his cell from his pocket. "Look... Kendall... blocked!" He said as he showed me that he had just barred Kendalls number from contacting him. "Gaby I won't see him, I won't call him... I don't want him. Please. You love me, I know you do." He said with eyes that looked so honest as they looked at me as big as saucers.
"James I don't want you to not see him... it's a ridiculous suggestion, you live in each other's pockets!" I said knowing that there was no getting rid of Kendall.
James shook his head. "Gaby the band has finished. Carlos has quit, Regan is dead! Viola has gone and kendall isn't even speaking to me... its over gabs. If you want me then its just me now... no more drama! No more Kendall! I promise" He said earnestly. "Do you want me?"
All I could do was look at his face, the stubble on his chin, the most beautiful eyebrows that were now raised so high with the hope that I would say what he wanted me to.
"What will happen if I go back home... to Canada?" I asked knowing I couldn't go through the heart break more than once.
"Nothing will happen. The good that came out of this fiasco is the fact that I know it's you that I'm destined to be with. I should of known from the start! I was a complete idiot, but Gabs I know now... I know it's you." He said now finishing me off with his smile.
My mind couldn't think straight, now I was here I couldn't think of the questions I had, or the arguments I had against doing this all over again. All I had going on in my head was that James wanted me still...despite everything.
Memories of what Logan said to me about the celebrity lifestyle being harder to keep normal the longer you lived the life swept in my brain.
"If it was a girl I saw you kiss and you begged me to take you back then I think I would..." I began and saw James' face fall. "A man though!... is just... it's just fucked me up completely." I said and watched as James rolled back on to his backside as he was perched in front of me and look fit to cry.
I took his hand.
"James knowing you have had a sexual relationship with a guy is... it's hard for me. But this is the 21st century and everyone is screwing everyone." I said, repeating what Logan had told me yesterday before we discovered Regan's body.
James looked up at me, the hope had returned in his brown eyes as he waited with baited breath for my official answer to his question.
"... I want you!" I replied in a whisper.
James' eyes smiled as I was swept in to his arms. I was engulfed with the mixture of fresh sea air and the beautiful scent that James always carried. Cupping my face in both his hands he looked me straight in the eye. "I wont let you down." He said softly.
Author note; Once again the reviews are absolutely the best I have ever had. So thank you. Will update soon!
Thanks for reading! Natalie xx