Hey everyone! Thanks so much to all who continue to read and review. I know I always repeat my thanks, but I truly appreciate every PM and alert.
Massive thank you to my wonderful beta SusanQ. She is amazing, and incredibly generous with her time.
Huge thanks to my lovely pre-reader jedigirlsc. She points out stuff that I miss and saves me from embarrassment. I adore her.
And thanks to Sunfeathers and xrxdanixrx for their continued thread posts. Their thoughts make me smile.
Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight. Blah, blah, blah.
Bella
November came and went. It drifted away with the cold winter breeze and heavy swirls of cotton-like mist. The days dragged on, all filled with hats, scarves and favoured woollen gloves to keep the chill from your fingers.
The weather seemed to match my mood. I still felt unsure with Edward; even now, I was left wandering out in the cold. I still felt weighted down by guilt, blinded by the mist. And I was still undecided about Jake, my warmth and security blanket.
Over the past couple of weeks I'd tried on numerous occasions to tell him how I felt, but each time I worked up the courage to speak to him about it, he would change the direction of our conversation and the moment would disappear. I would lose that spark of resolution and settle back into hopelessness, waiting until a new moment arrived. I would tell myself that next time would be different, but it never was. I'd given myself a deadline - before Christmas; I didn't want to start the New Year lying to my friends. I didn't want to start out a new year being untrue to myself. I wanted to be able to part the clouds, find the sun and be happy with the choices I'd made.
Charlie had come home from the station not ten minutes before and suggested we pick out a Christmas tree later that afternoon, when I'd returned home from school. He told the boys at work he may be a little late, but with all the extra shifts he'd been picking up lately, they had no cause to complain. He, of course, invited Billy and Jake to come with us, as well as Seth Clearwater from across the street. I'd yet to meet Leah's younger brother, but everyone spoke well of him. He was four years my junior and apparently idolized Jake.
I jumped at the click of Charlie's bedroom door as it shut, nearly stumbling as I pulled on my new knee-length socks. They were dark green with a singular gold bow attached at the sides. Alice and Esme had picked up festive pairs for both Rose, Alice and I on the trip to Seattle they'd taken last weekend. Rose's pair were white with silver beading, and Alice's were red with a little purple bell attached at each side. Em and Jazz got reindeer and Santa Claus ankle socks. And Edward? Well, he got a pair donned with little elves. As soon as Alice held them out to him, his eyes had widened comically before he shoved them back into the bag they'd come from. He mumbled a thanks to Esme and glared at Alice, who gave a dainty wave of her fingers in return.
I could hear Charlie's voice low and mumbled through the door, my brows automatically furrowing at the sound. Who is he talking to? Perhaps he's lost the plot... after all, Alice has been chewing his ear off about the perfect table decorations for the past two days. Christmas cheer could have pushed him over the proverbial tinsel-decorated edge.
He'd been acting strange for a while now, but I'd been putting it down to tiredness. Now I wasn't so sure.
He laughed suddenly, the noise sounding foreign at seven-twenty in the morning. I mean, I knew he had a cell phone, but I didn't think he actually used it for anything other than to check up on me. The only other reason I could think of was so that I'd always be able to contact him wherever he was.
He was most likely just speaking to Billy about tonight, double checking times and talking about last night's football scores. I knew about the mini portable TV in the station that he probably pretended to ignore if anyone else was around, but night shifts or no night shifts, I knew he wouldn't miss a game if he could help it.
I quickly placed a hairband onto my head and crept to the door, slowly pulling it towards me to create a larger gap for me to slide through. My feet softly padded across the carpet to his door, my ear pressing against the wood so I could define his words with more clarity.
"Yeah, just tell Seth to come over here about four-thirty," he said into the phone. What? Was Seth staying with Billy now? I pushed my ear harder against the door, hoping that would somehow help everything make sense.
Wait... unless it wasn't Billy on the other line. But then who else would he be talking to so early on a Friday morning?
"You too, bye." His voice sounded softer... he was definitely not talking to a man. Was Charlie seeing someone... and was that someone, Sue Clearwater?
I quickly scurried back to my room, careful to make as little noise as possible as I closed my door behind me. Charlie couldn't be dating anyone... he wasn't allowed. He was my dad... and old, and his mustache was far too big and covered half of his face. Men like that watched sports and drank beer and left dirty dishes in the sink. They didn't speak softly to widowed women from across the street or take their son to pick up their Christmas tree.
Oh my God, my dad was actually dating. It all made sense now. The look of shock on Sue's face in the supermarket during the condom incident – she'd probably thought Charlie had been trying to get her in the sack. And, ewww old person sex.
Okay, so he wasn't that old, but still, he's my dad... gross. Why couldn't this be the type of house that held liquor other than Charlie's disgusting beer. There should be seasonal spirits... eggnog laced with lots of brandy. I should really speak to Charlie about setting a bar up in the corner of the living room. I'd buy some of those little umbrellas and tooth picks for olives that would end up getting eaten straight out the jar - using them for drinks be damned. We wouldn't be that type of establishment... not that I'd start running an illegal bar in my own home or anything. Sure Charlie would be at work at night, but no. Although... I could leave the back door open and make a tidy profit with underhanded dealings of eggnog, olives and maybe even some salted nuts...
My cell buzzed and dragged me away from the result of too many bad TV shows corrupting my impressionable mind. I glanced at the screen and sighed. Edward.
He'd been doing this a lot the past week, texting me in the mornings with his dirty thoughts and ridiculous ideas. He'd also climbed through my window once more since that first night he'd done it, and just like the last time, I'd given him shit for it.
It made me feel incredibly uneasy and panicky, yet it seemed to have the complete opposite effect on him. His feet would hit the carpet with that half smile on his face, his expression one of glee. I'd wanted to push him back out and kiss him senseless all at the same time.
My eyes scanned the message, scrolling down, wanting more and more words, however stupid they may be.
I dreamed about you last night. - E.
I bit my lip to stop the smile forming on my face as I messaged him back.
Yeah? Was I running away from you screaming? - B.
I sank to my mattress as I awaited his reply, all the while fighting the urge to lie back and mess up my hair after I'd just brushed it out. Thankfully he messaged me back almost straight away.
Funny. No, you had to wait on me for a day while wearing a collar like some sex slave. - E.
I wrinkled my nose as I typed out my response.
You're disgusting. - B.
Hey, I'm personally not into the kinky stuff... for future reference. You on the other hand seemed to like it... a lot. Something you want to tell me? - Master.
I snorted and set my phone aside. I should have stopped it there, but there was something intensely addictive about Edward that I could never quite put my finger on. It wasn't just one thing. It wasn't something obvious, like he always wore the nicest smelling aftershave, and that was it. There were many things that equated to him being desirable. It was a deadly concoction that was impossible to ignore.
I sighed as I picked up the source that held the combined letters that spelled out words that traveled straight to the beat inside my chest.
Yeah, you're seriously disturbed. Even your pretty hair won't save you. In fact... it does tend to stick up in all directions. Escaped any facilities lately? - Worried bystander.
You didn't have a problem grabbing my *manly* hair when you attacked me with your lips yesterday. I think you're disturbed for liking the disturbed. - E.
I felt sorry for you, there was no 'liking' of anything. P.S. The pretty little stars by 'manly' make it look anything but. - B.
I laughed out loud into the quiet of my room, imagining the frustration in his features as he read my response. I swung my feet out in front of me, my feet tickling the carpet as they brushed back and forth.
Stop distracting me, I'm going to shower. - E.
He didn't like to lose.
You messaged me first. - B.
Always with the technicalities. I'll be thinking of you. - E.
I'd found he also liked to have the last word.
Sick. Go away. I'm going to go eat a granola bar and think of sweet things like bunnies and squirrels. - B.
Squirrels? Weirdo. - E.
Shut up. Squirrels can be cute. - B.
They're rodents... vermin. Valuable tip for you, because I'm a good person, don't feed them, ever. You'll never get rid of them. - E.
They suspiciously sound a lot like you. - B.
Must be why you're thinking of them then. See you at school. - E.
This time I didn't think twice about falling back onto my bed, a groan of annoyance leaving my parted lips. There was no point in replying as he'd probably turned his phone off for the time being.
It was a lot easier to speak with him when he wasn't around me lately. I had no problem typing out responses through my cell or computer, but after I'd gotten home from crying in the stall of a toilet after that horrible day at school a few weeks back, I'd been a little more hesitant around him.
I tried not to appear still hurt by it, and the truth was, I didn't care anymore. Not really. I'd become over emotional about something that wasn't at all serious. I think I'd been suffering through a case of the over-dramatics that day. It was a silly game that I'd let get to me much more than it should have. If it had been anyone else, I wouldn't have reacted the way I had. I think it was simply that I'd started seeing him differently. Amongst all that confusion, I had mistaken south for north and turned myself upside down, resulting in all my emotions crashing together to form wells in my eyes that leaked their stupid tears.
My hands fisted my duvet as I pulled myself up into a sitting position, the strain in my fingers felt good. I slid off the bed and grabbed my school bag, pausing to frown at myself in the mirror; my once tidy hair was now frizzy at the back. I swiped my brush from my dresser and ran it through the length of my locks, wincing as I pulled too harshly on an unknown tangle. I readjusted my hairband and dumped my brush in my bag as I opened my bedroom door.
Granola bar in hand, I dropped down onto the sofa to watch some early morning cartoons that I hadn't watched in forever. I laughed at the hosts of a kids' show. Their overly-friendly voices seemed so put on, I was sure they drank heavily when the cameras stopped rolling to help them forget about the clapping and singing and dancing in circles.
At eight-ten, I decided to just head over to Alice's now rather than wait here by myself. She was sure to still be getting ready, but someone else was bound to up and awake. Like Dr. Cullen. Exactly.
I contemplated shouting up to Charlie that I was leaving, but decided against it in case he was already asleep. I didn't want to wake him if he'd already succumbed to slumber. I slipped on my coat and gloves and left through the front door.
As I neared the Cullen house, my eyes unconsciously drifted to Edward's balcony door. My feet momentarily paused as I deliberated whether I should risk sneaking up to his room. I didn't think anyone could see me, but they could easily spot me if they passed by the giant hallway window that looked out to the front of the property.
I bounced up onto the pads of my feet, my teeth worrying my lip as I took a few more seconds to decide. My feet made the decision for me as they automatically moved forward.
I kept my head down as I took one step at a time, hoping I was being silent enough not to draw attention to myself. My fingers wrapped themselves around the handle, a silent prayer sent towards the cloud filled sky, hoping that the door wouldn't be locked – it wasn't.
A smile formed on my lips as I opened it a little, my body pushing forward into the heavy curtains that were still pulled shut. He had music playing lowly, a song I didn't recognize. It felt a little weird stepping into his room without him knowing, I wasn't used to walking into someone else's room without permission. I was brought up to respect others' privacy.
I could hear him moving about inside as he got ready for school, unintelligible murmurs assailing my ears. I pushed the curtain aside and quietly closed the door behind me. His back was to me from the other side of his room. He was rummaging through the bottom of his closet for something, a 'fucking finally' exhaled into the air when he'd found what it was he'd been looking for.
My hands fumbled with the straps of my bag as I waited for him to stand and turn... and probably startle. I felt jittery, then stupid for feeling like that. He'd turned up at my house unannounced enough. It was payback time.
He was in the process of getting up from the floor when I bent down to whisper in his ear.
"You should really learn to lock your door." I pulled the gloves from my hands and stuffed them into my coat pockets.
I was right about startling him. His shoulders visibly raised before he half twisted himself around to ultimately fall back on his knees.
"Jesus, Bella," he breathed, his eyelids lowering to meet his bottom lashes as he narrowed his eyes at me.
I smiled sweetly and took a step back, joining my hands together to hang in front of me as he got to his feet.
"I'm thinking of getting involved in home safety groups," I shrugged, trying to keep a straight face as I removed my bag from my shoulders. I failed and started laughing almost immediately after the words left my mouth.
He threw the item of clothing on his bed and stalked after me until my back hit the wall behind me. My heart raced in excitement as I gazed steadily into his amused eyes, but that awkwardness was still there slightly. I wanted... needed to get rid of it.
"How was your shower?" I asked as I longed to reach out and touch his still damp hair.
He smirked as he turned his head slightly to the side before focusing back on me. "It was good. I got clean."
I blushed and looked at the floor as I replied. "Good. Personal hygiene is important... yeah."
He snorted at my words and lifted my face with his fingers under my chin. "I've had no complaints yet," he breathed against my jaw.
His lips touched my skin, igniting flames that licked at the surface; I closed my eyes just as his mouth pressed warm kisses onto my neck. His fingers slid open the top few buttons of my shirt as his lips descended to my collarbone.
I wanted him to continue until his hands were on my skin, but we didn't have time.
"Edward," I whispered, my own hands moving to his shoulders as I unwillingly pushed him away. "We have school."
"I know, good observational skills," he replied, stepping closer and grasping the back of my thighs as he lifted me up.
My legs wrapped themselves around his waist as he pressed against me, my hands finally in his hair as I brought my mouth down to his. I loved kissing him, more than anything else we did. He'd been more generous in allowing me to touch my lips to his. I knew he wasn't entirely comfortable with doing it as much as I wanted, but he'd only turned me down a few times.
The more I kissed Edward, the more I felt nothing when kissing Jake. In that relationship, I'd been the one turning him down. He must have noticed, but he never said anything. He'd been kissing my cheeks and forehead a lot more than usual, so he must have sensed something wasn't right. Whether it was intentional or not didn't matter, the reasons behind the change were always the same.
Edward pouted slightly as I broke away and I couldn't stop myself from biting his bottom lip. I ran my tongue across it afterward, tasting the mint of his toothpaste. I kissed him again, this time a little more forcefully.
He shifted against me, my moan sounding loud even to my own ears. I felt myself being carried away from the wall, but didn't care enough to open my eyes to find out where.
My back hit the mattress and I giggled against his mouth as we bounced a little. "Your laughing isn't good for my ego," he told me with a frown as he pulled his face back to look at me.
I pushed the hair from his forehead and rolled my eyes. "Relax, Casanova, we bounced."
His brows furrowed, my fingers moved to remove the crease that had formed between them. "We what?" he asked in confusion. I sighed and jiggled about on the bed, my body twisting; we bounced.
He laughed... loudly. "You looked like a fish out of water."
His laugh made me drop my hands from his skin to redo the buttons on my shirt. "Hey," he said still laughing, capturing my hands in his to rest at either side of my head.
"You're so moody sometimes. What am I going to do with you?" he sighed, moving on top of me completely.
"You can start by getting off me," I responded, closing my legs.
He raised his brows at my action, eyes darting around my face. I hated it when he scrutinized me like this; my fidgeting only further confirmed this.
"You're saying no?" he asked, that crease back between his brows. I nodded.
"Yeah, I guess I am," I replied calmly, even though the thoughts inside my head were anything but.
"I'm coming over later," he told me abruptly, his features portraying annoyance. Seriously?
"No, actually, you're not," I told him with a disgruntled face.
"You're seriously acting like this because I laughed at you? Jesus Christ..." No. Yes. Maybe.
I was acting like a child.
"I have plans after school," I said while meeting his hard gaze. "I don't know how long I'll be gone."
"What plans?" he inquired quickly, not releasing me from his stare.
"Plans that don't involve you!" I snapped irritably. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, cutting myself off from the inquisitive green.
"Oh, I see, you have a date. Far be it for me to keep you away from Jacob. My apologies," he said sarcastically while shifting to lie on his back beside me.
"It's not a date," I answered back while staring up at the ceiling. "My dad invited him. We're picking up Christmas trees."
"How cute," he mumbled with about as much sincerity as a sandwich.
"It's not like that. Billy's going to be there too," I said while glancing at him swiftly.
"Oh, great, the whole family then," he replied tersely. "I hope you have heaps of fun."
"Thanks. I will," I told him as I moved myself to the edge of the mattress.
This had been a bad idea. I should have listened to the warnings inside my head instead of the yearning of my heart.
I grabbed my bag from the floor and left his room without another word from either of us. The chill of the air matched the icy numbness hovering inside my chest.
OoOoO
"Oh my God, Charlie's dating?" Alice shrieked at lunch, her mouth swiftly chewing the food in her mouth as she stared back at me in excitement? What the hell?
"I'm pretty sure, yeah," I sighed. "Why do you look so pleased?" I asked her as I took a mouthful of chocolate milk. Jazz snorted and shook his head as he put his arm around the back of Alice's chair.
"Because, he's been by himself for years, and now he has a girlfriend. So cute," she said with a little spring in her seat. "So, come on, who is it?"
This was the part I didn't really like. Sure, if Charlie really was dating, good for him. It was the 'who' I had the problem with.
"I think it's Sue Clearwater," I murmured, glancing around at all the faces at the table. Edward didn't look up from his plate, but he had a brow raised while he broke apart his flapjack.
We still hadn't spoken since this morning, both of us far too stubborn to break the silence.
"Her son, Seth, is even coming with us tonight to pick out Christmas trees," I added as I finished my milk.
"And that's a bad thing?" Rose asked as she slapped Em's hand away from her thigh.
"Yes... no. I've never met him. I don't know, it just feels weird," I admitted.
"Why?" Edward smirked. "It sounds to me like you're going to be one big happy family."
I snapped my mouth shut and shot him a glare across the table. I wanted to wipe that stupid, beautiful smile from his face.
"Edward's right," Alice said. What? "It doesn't sound so bad." She shrugged her shoulders and bit into an apple. "I mean," she continued, swallowing her bite, "you like Sue, right?"
I let out a sigh and nodded in affirmation. I couldn't lie and say I didn't. My main concern was Leah. She seemed to have very strong opinions. What would she think? If she didn't already know, that was. If Charlie and Sue got serious, she would become a bigger part of my life. I didn't know how I felt about that. I was so used to it being just me and Charlie, or me, Mom and Phil. They were the way things were. For my own selfish reasons, part of me didn't want that to change.
"Do you think I should ask him about it?" I asked. Em immediately nodded.
"Let me know when you're going to do it. I'll come over... for support of course," he grinned. I rolled my eyes and threw my paper napkin at him.
"Evil," I teased. He threw his head back and laughed.
"I can just imagine the awkwardness of it all now. Ah, good times," he winked.
The class bell sounded. Great. Time for biology and a class seated next to the victim of my daggered stares.
"Ugh, I have Spanish now," Alice whined. "I don't think I'll ever understand what Mrs. Goff goes on about. I really wish she held up flash cards when she spoke."
I laughed and nudged her shoulder with mine before we all separated to go to our respective classes.
I quickly made my way to my locker to grab my things, dodging Tyler who nearly collided with me on the stairs. I apologized and hastily wrapped my arms around my chest when his eyes focused on my chest for just a beat too long than was polite. Not that he probably cared about that.
I had just opened my locker when someone appeared a few steps away from me.
I looked over and my actions instantly slowed. Tanya was taking things out of her own locker. I didn't even know hers was on this floor. She was humming as she pulled a couple of books from inside. I turned away and focused my attention back on gathering my own things, but my movements were still careful. I felt tense and hated that she made me feel like that.
Her perfume was sickeningly sweet and I was sure the smell would be impossible to get rid of. Edward liked this? Liked her? She was really very pretty, I couldn't deny that. He said he hadn't slept with her, but they'd done other things. Had he kissed her? Did he like kissing her as much as I liked kissing him? They still spoke a lot to each other, and even though he'd admitted to me in the girls' changing room that he didn't want to fool around with anyone else right now, did he really mean it? It could have been a lie, just something to say to make me not be angry with him.
I could feel that irrational jealousy that I hated start to bubble to the surface, my locker door closing with more force than I'd planned.
She startled and from the corner of my eye I saw her turn her head towards me. I didn't look back at her and pretended that her presence hadn't affected me. Just as I got to the stairs leading down to the biology floor, I dropped my books. I groaned and bent down to retrieve them, the backs of my legs aching as I did so.
Rose and Alice had found a yoga instruction DVD over the weekend that belonged to Rose's mom. They found it while rummaging in the Hale's hall closet when they were searching for Jasper's scarf that Alice had made for him last Christmas. They'd convinced me to try it with them, Rose insisting it would help me with my balance. And good God, I was never going to do it again. I'd ended up stretching muscles I didn't even know I possessed. I was sure that over time it would be beneficial, but unnecessary exercise and pain wasn't my thing. We simply didn't play well together. If I was back in preschool, and they were children wanting to share my toys, I would refuse and banish them to the sand box with the bugs and leaves.
The only good part about that afternoon had been when Edward had fondled my boobs in my tank top on my way out of the house. He'd pushed me up against the side of the house, stuck his tongue in my mouth, and groped me.
Shoes came into my periphery and I didn't need to look up at the face of the owner to know who they belonged to. We ended up walking beside each other down the steps, albeit I was standing as far away from her as was possible. This continued down the hallway, and as we neared my class, I spotted Edward walking towards us from the opposite direction to which we'd just come from.
His hands were in his pockets as he walked, and as we got nearer I could smell the smoke on his clothes, his prior destination becoming apparent.
He looked up and briefly met my gaze before his eyes drifted to Tanya at my side. I thought he looked shocked for a moment, but if he had, the expression hadn't lasted long enough for me to have been sure.
He ducked into the classroom, and as I went to follow him, I accidentally cut across Tanya and ended up bumping shoulders with her.
"Sorry," I said instinctively as I pulled my bag that had started to slip from my shoulder back up my arm.
"It's fine," she said with a smile that didn't meet her eyes. "No harm done."
I wanted to tell her that she and her friends had done plenty of harm to me since I'd moved here, but it wasn't important enough to mention, especially out loud. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. I was a lot stronger than they thought, and anything they'd done to me had simply rolled away like raindrops on glass. Tanya's attachment to Edward was the only thing that bothered me. I didn't even have the title and yet, I was thinking like a jealous girlfriend. Deep down I wanted to have his promises and... more.
I glanced through the doorway to see Edward watching us closely with his head bent towards the desk. His eyes were focused on me, and were so intense I was sure I wouldn't be able to convince my feet to move.
"You live next door to Edward, right?" Tanya asked, her voice cutting my ties with the green eyed boy sitting next to the empty seat I was about to occupy.
"Um, yeah," I answered her, shifting the books in my arms.
"I'm thinking of asking him to the Winter Formal, what with it being girls choice," she stated with a sigh as if that was such a hardship. This was the first time she had spoken to me, and I was definitely erring on the side of caution. I didn't trust this girl, and I didn't know why she was talking to me about this. The fact that her eyes never left my face didn't help matters either.
Alice was on the decoration committee for the formal and had been busy a lot with meetings for the event after school. At first I'd been adamant I wasn't going. I didn't do dances. Sure it was nice to get dressed up sometimes, but I found the whole prospect of having a date come to the door and whisper that you looked pretty so your dad didn't think he wasn't trying to get lucky, completely mortifying. It was like a run up to Prom or something. Even that word alone made me want to hide in my room forever. It was a rite of passage I knew I'd end up getting dragged to, especially considering who my best friends were, and the fact my mom would want pictures to proudly display on her mantle sealed it. It would be a hopeless cause to try and fight it.
"Oh, right, yeah, formal," I voiced, wanting nothing more than to get into class. Thankfully the bell rang, saving me from this... thing, with her.
"Have a nice weekend," she said, smiling that smile again before she left for her own class.
Mr. Banner tapped his watch as I walked to my seat. It wasn't as if I were late. Plus, I was standing right at the door. He was obviously in one of his grouchy moods today.
I wordlessly took my seat next to Edward and ignored the fact he was looking at me. Mr. Banner started the lesson, pointing to things on the overhead projector as he spoke. I could see Edward's knee bouncing under the desk, his pen keeping the same rhythm as it hit his notepad again and again.
We were thirty minutes into the lesson when Edward evidently couldn't keep his curiosity locked in.
"What was that all about?" he whispered, motioning to the door and the Tanya exchange.
"I accidentally bumped into her while trying to get into class," I whispered back shrugging. I licked my lips and turned my head slightly to look at him.
"She then proceeded to tell me she was thinking of asking you to the Winter Formal."
His brows raised before he shook his head smiling. What did that mean? Was he happy that she was going to ask him? My nails dug into the soft wood of my pencil.
"And who are you thinking of asking, Bella?" he probed, eyes on the board as he tried to replicate the drawing currently being shown.
I wasn't sure of this answer myself, yet. My first choice had been Jake, as I knew I'd have fun with him and he'd take the whole date aspect away from it. Then I remembered I was actually dating him, which ultimately left me in limbo. If things had been different, I knew who I'd want to ask. But the hurt and questions and stares that would result from that were unthinkable. Not to mention, I was sure he'd say no.
My third option was a married man and doctor in this town. If I thought the questions and stares would have been bad if I turned up with Edward, his father would have been another matter entirely. The gossip-mongers would have had a field-day with that one. Not that I'd ever dream of admitting my crush to anyone, let alone ever let loose the words, 'will you go to my Winter Formal with me?' Or, 'your ass looks fantastic in those scrubs'.
I didn't answer him, instead following his example to sketch away. Of course, he wasn't having any of that.
"That many choices, huh?" he snorted, shaking his head with an unusual expression fixed onto his face.
I stopped drawing and wrapped the ends of my hair around my wrist as I answered him.
"I wasn't planning on going at first, but your sister convinced me. So now I'll just probably ask Jake." If we're still together by then that was.
I would have to try and talk to him again tonight.
"Is he even allowed to come here? He doesn't go to this school," Edward said curtly as he drew his attention away from the board, to my face.
We gazed back at one another, expressions stoic. "Yeah, it's fine," I answered, my eyes dropping to the desk.
We both turned our attention back to the front of the class and carried on where we'd left off.
OoOoO
Billy and Jake were already in the living room when I returned home from school. Charlie was in his uniform ready to head off to work afterward, and as I looked to the other side of the room, I spotted who must have been Seth Clearwater. He had the same dark hair and eyes as his sister, but a much friendlier face. He smiled big and instantly got to his feet to join me where I was standing.
"You must be Jake's, Bella," he said, the easy grin still there. I winced internally at his choice of phrasing, and smiled back.
"Dude, knock it off," Jake said as he slipped an arm across my shoulders to press a kiss to my temple. The temple was new.
"What? All we hear is 'Bella this' and 'Bella that'. He's kind of obsessed," he mock whispered to me. Jake caught him in a playful headlock while all I could do was stand there and hope my eyes weren't bright with fear. I have to do this. I can't carry on lying to him. He's going to be crushed. I'm going to fumble, I know it. I'm going to hurt us both.
"We ready to go?" Billy announced as he clapped his hands together to gain our attention.
"Yep," Jake said as he released Seth from under his arm.
Charlie looked between me and Seth for a second before he cleared his throat and motioned for us to file to the door.
I ended up waiting with Seth beside the cruiser as Jake and Charlie helped Billy into the Volkswagen.
"Your sister didn't want to come?" I asked, glancing at the house behind us.
"Nah, she's yet to get into the holiday cheer," he said with a roll of his eyes. "Well, more like she pretends she hasn't anyway. She'll sit in front of that tree once it's decorated and stare at the lights for hours when she thinks we're all in bed. She's done it for the past few years.
"She thinks no one notices, but..." he left off there with a shrug of his shoulders. We were silent for a beat before he spoke again.
"I think she misses Dad more at this time of year, but she doesn't say anything."
I smiled sadly in acknowledgement. I didn't know what I'd do if anything happened to Charlie. That thought alone made me realize just how selfish I'd been acting when it came to my dad. If he liked Sue, then I'd just have to deal. He deserved to be happy.
"It must be hard for you all," I said with a sympathetic squeeze to his hand. I was surprised at how easy it was to talk to him. He was years younger than I was, and while he looked like that young boy on the outside, you could tell he was an old soul inside. I guess we had that in common.
"It is, but Mom's been happier lately, and Charlie helps out."
I was torn about asking him what I'd been wondering all day, but the way he mentioned Charlie, it was obvious he was over there a lot more than I'd known about. I mean, I knew he went over to help Sue out occasionally, but it was evident it was more than that now. I felt a little hurt that Charlie had been keeping it from me, but it was his life. I didn't tell him all aspects of mine, so I had no right to criticize him for doing the exact same thing. I guess I was my father's daughter after all.
Now that he worked night shifts, he had the whole day to spend at will. At least now he had some company other than the TV set.
I decided to bite the bullet.
"Do you think they're... you know, an item?" I inquired with a swift look to my father. Seth laughed.
"I think so, yeah," he answered.
"And you don't mind?"
"No, your dad's cool." Now it was my turn to laugh.
"I've heard Charlie described as many things, but 'cool' has never been one of them."
We both shared a look and started laughing again just as the man himself walked over to us.
"What has you kids laughing like a bunch of hyenas in a zoo?" he said, his mustache twitching.
I opened the door to the front of the cruiser while Seth got into the back.
"Nothing," I told him as I buckled myself in.
"Uh huh," he hummed as started the vehicle. "And why don't I believe that?"
OoOoO
"This one looks good," I said while touching the spiky green needles of the tree.
We'd been searching for the past hour, Jake and Billy chose their tree within the first 10 minutes. It was entirely obvious to anyone who took the time to look, that their home was a woman-free zone.
Billy started chatting up the tree lot owner, flirting with her as we continued to look.
"I can't take him anywhere," Jacob laughed as he took my hand in his.
Each tree we'd come to, Jake had looked at it with a serious expression on his face, just to then crack a joke about its shape. He'd say they resembled more of a 'bird' or a 'star' than an actual tree.
Knowing how much I wanted the perfect tree, he'd grin and wink as I mock scowled back at him. This was how things should be, fun and free without any of that other crap getting in the way of it. I realized just how much I'd missed my friend, Jake. He was a lot different than
maybe-boyfriend, Jake.
"I think it's perfect," I said, bringing the focus back onto the tree. He went to open his mouth to give his opinion, so I quickly placed my gloved hand over his lips.
"Not one word about dogs or boats or stars. Whatever it is you're about to compare it to, can it!" I warned with a pout to my lips. He rolled his eyes and jerked his head.
I smiled in success as he pushed my hand away and placed a peck on my nose. "I was about to say that you were perfect, before you so rudely attacked me." I swallowed hard and squeezed his fingers tightly. What had I gotten myself into?
He ruffled my hair and pulled me into an unexpected hug, the material of his coat soft against my cheek. This was a friend's hug – I hadn't grasped just how much I'd missed them.
"I've missed you," I mumbled into his coat, earning a chuckle from him.
"I've been right here, silly girl," he said onto the top of my head, his breath tickling the skin there.
He couldn't have known what I'd meant, but I held him tightly and prayed that he never found out that I gave another what I couldn't give him.
I pulled away as Seth and Charlie came over, hauling a tree that would have pride of place in Sue Clearwater's home.
"You found the one you want, Bells?" Dad asked as he took a look at the tree we were standing beside. I nodded eagerly and smiled wide.
"Load this up onto the cruiser, Charlie. We have ourselves a winner!" Jake announced over-dramatically. I playfully punched his arm and winked at Seth, who winked right back - repeatedly in fact - until I shoved him away laughing.
I wanted to talk with Jake, but he had a shift at the garage in twenty minutes. And deep down I knew this wasn't the right time or place. Instead I asked him what his plans were in two weeks.
"Why?" he questioned curiously.
"Well, I was wondering if you wanted to go to my Winter Formal with me? We can terrorize Alice and make fun of the girls wearing too much make-up," I smiled.
That was something we used to do together when his sisters would bring their friends to his house. They always wore so much black eye-liner – we would tease them by informing them that Halloween had been over for months.
"Do I have to wear a suit?" he asked, his face scrunching up in distaste.
"Um, as long as you have a shirt and tie somewhere on your body, you'll be good."
"I suppose I can dig something out then," he sighed.
"Thanks," I chuckled. "Oh, and I'll be picking you up."
"I'm sorry, but no," he told me, crossing his arms across his chest. I copied his action and raised a brow.
"Listen buddy, this is a girls' choice dance. And it's my choice to pick you up. Make sure you're ready for seven," I told him with a decisive nod.
"You're one stubborn girl, Isabella Swan," he said as he rubbed at his jaw.
"She gets that from her mother," Charlie mumbled as he passed and caught the last bit of our conversation.
I rolled my eyes and told Jake I'd see him Sunday. He had to work most of the day tomorrow, and Alice wanted my help with colour ideas... not that she'd end up listening to any of them. She'd probably use them as a form of elimination.
By the time we got home, it had just started to get dark, the evenings seeming to draw closer at this time of year. Charlie and Seth carried the tree into the house, hissing when some of the needles pricked at their skin. I instructed them to set it up in front of the window in the living room so the glass would reflect the lights when switched on.
I waved to Seth as he waited outside for Charlie to help him take his tree across the street. Charlie would be leaving for work straight afterward, so I told him to drive safe and make sure he ate something more than those cheese flavoured crackers he liked so much.
I turned on the radio, which was churning out one Christmas song after another, and dragged the decorations in from the garage to make the house feel as festive as Christmas should be.
I'd always loved Christmas with its festive colourings and twinkle lights. There was no better feeling than being curled up on the sofa covered by your favourite blanket while you watched the same movies that seemed to always play at this time of year. The only sources of light were those from the television screen and soft lighting of the tree, making everything appear cozy and warm.
It was at times like that I found myself truly content.
I hung the last bauble on the tree and switched off the main lighting, wanting to get the full effect when I turned on the fairy lights currently wrapped around the evergreen.
As I bent down to flip the switch I noticed a flurry of movement beyond the window. I pressed my face closer to the glass and smiled at the sight of delicate flakes of ice falling from the midnight sky.
It was snowing.
I watched the white and black colours of the night mingle, before adding the misty blue of small bulbs.
My phone buzzed from its place on the mantle, ultimately dragging me away from the scene outside. I was sure it was Alice, just as excited as I was about the weather. I picked up the phone with a soft smile on my face and looked at the lit up screen.
It wasn't Alice.
I'm sorry I laughed at you. - E.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, regretting that I hadn't apologized first. My own guilt and insecurities had been making themselves known as childish behaviour.
I'm sorry I was being over sensitive. - B.
It's snowing... - E.
I know. - B.
I hesitated briefly before quickly sending another message.
Come over. I'll bake cookies. - B.
What did I tell you about feeding things? I'm tutting at you. - E.
I couldn't stop the smile that threatened to hurt my cheeks.
And I was already on my way. - E.
He made my heart ache in both good and bad ways. He made me smile and cry. He made me want things I had never wanted before.
I curled up on the sofa and pulled the throw that always rested on its back across my legs, instantly warming my toes. My head rested lazily against the cushions as I waited for Edward to arrive.
This wasn't part of my tradition, and while I wasn't watching 'It's a Wonderful Life' or 'Miracle on 34th Street', scenes that weren't recorded for all to see, would still play out in this very room.
He was my leading man of choice... I just hoped he would one day want to be that same person for me.
I sent a wish along with the tumbling snow, hoping that when the flakes fell on the skin of the boy I waited for, they would pass on their wintry message.
Be mine.
Reviews will get a teaser for the next chapter.
My rec this week is: 'We Come to Life Beneath the Stars' by Lillybellis. This fic is so good; I can't say enough good things about it. If you're not already reading, please give it a try.
As always, thank you so much for reading. VHL xx