A/N. Alex Day has made me enjoy "Twilight" more than ever before lol. This random fact brought to you by. . . me! I don't own anything.
James managed to keep his composure for exactly one hour after they arrived back at the Palm Woods without Logan. His stuff had been packed the first day he knew they were moving back to Minnesota and since no one else was quite ready, he had volunteered to pack up Logan's things. But for some reason, he hadn't thought about how difficult it would be. At first he sat there and stared at all the things that brought back an overwhelming amount of memories. Then he tried to move on and pack like he was supposed to. It was easier said than done.
Putting everything away until they unpacked back home in Minnesota made everything seem so final. It was the end. Over. Just like that. James wasn't upset about Big Time Rush though. Not in the way that people thought he might be. Logan, for example. It was obvious that he was scared that James would be mad at him for ruining all they had worked for. But that didn't matter to James. What mattered was that it was his dream that had led to this mess. It was he who had suspected something was wrong right from the beginning and hadn't pushed Logan hard enough for the truth. James knew deep down that he wasn't entirely to blame. But he had played a part in Logan's downfall.
Tears blurred his eyes as he tried to pack the items away without looking at them. At least, he told himself, Logan would one day be well enough to have all of these things back in his possession. One day he would read his textbooks and scribble down notes in notebooks. One day he would have all of this back in his bedroom in Minnesota instead of just clothes and a few personal items in some strange room at the rehab center.
Two weeks. They wouldn't be able to see Logan for two whole weeks. James had fought to keep that particular thought away because it was far too painful to deal with alone. They had never been apart for so long. Sure, they had gone on family vacations as long as a week and James always remembered that the remaining three would wait in agony for the return of their absent friend. Whenever he returned, all would be right again. This was so different though. Two weeks long. No contact allowed whatsoever while the doctors at the rehab center focused on Logan and only Logan. James appreciated that the strangers seemed to be so determined to help Logan but they were strangers. They were leaving Logan in the hands of complete strangers when he had never been so helpless before. Somehow that all seemed so wrong.
James wanted everything to go back to normal. Minnesota normal where Big Time Rush never existed and they had just been four best friends playing hockey every day they could. He'd give everything that had happened in the past year, the good and the bad, away if he could only trade it for having all of his friends safe, happy, healthy, and strong. But that could never happen. Even when Logan came home, things would never be the same.
James could no longer hold back the tears and they came fast and heavy, overwhelming him. He didn't even hear the door open or notice Mrs. Knight until she was on the floor beside him and wrapping her arms around him. When he did notice her, he leaned into her embrace and cried even harder. "I don't want to leave him," he told her even though it made no difference. "It's not right!"
"I know, honey." Mrs. Knight said softly, her own tears threatening to fall. "I didn't want to leave him either. The doctors thought it would be best for him though. A little tough love to give us all an idea of what we're up against."
James shook his head. "They don't know him though," he whispered. "How do they know what's best for him?"
"Because," she said gently. "They have a better idea of how to deal with everything right now."
"Do we really have to leave him there alone for two weeks?" James asked desperately. "What if he gets scared or lonely? We won't be able to be there for him."
A small smile crossed her face and she brushed away the tears on his face. "I am so proud of you," she told him. "You've been so strong, James. It hasn't been easy for any of us, but you and Katie have done so well."
Before he could check his reaction, James stiffened. He pulled slowly out of her arms and straightened up. "I don't have a choice," he said, glancing away. "I have to."
At his abrupt change, Mrs. Knight frowned worriedly. "James, is there something you need to tell someone?"
"You mean besides the fact that I could have stopped all of this from happening?" James asked, his tone suddenly sharp. "No. There's nothing."
It was clear that she didn't believe him. He held his breath until she gently reached out to squeeze his shoulder before standing up and leaving him all alone. Then he sighed in relief and wiped away any remaining tears with a rough hand. He had things to do.
James glanced around the room and winced. The job seemed so daunting all of the sudden. But he had to start somewhere soon. So he stood up and crossed the room to Logan's closet, stiffening when he heard the door open again. He whirled around, ready to tell whoever it was to leave him alone but the words died on his lips.
Katie walked slowly into the room, her normally upbeat personality missing along with the spring in her step. "Hi, James." she said quietly, looking lost. "I finished packing my stuff. Can I. . . can I help you in here?"
James softened and nodded. He dropped an arm around her shoulders and gently pulled her to where he stood in front of the closet. "I thought we could start here," he told her.
She smiled at the word "we" and nodded. They worked together then, in silence, pulling things out and placing them in the appropriate boxes. It wasn't hard work. Logan had always been so organized. But some of the more personal things made Katie and James stop and think.
Out of the corner of his eye, James saw Katie pull an item from the back of the closet. "Wait!" he exclaimed loud enough to make her jump. He shot her an apologetic look before taking what she held in his own hands and looking at it carefully. "I think I'll hang onto this for now if you don't mind." he whispered. Katie nodded and he smiled gratefully as he set aside the object and then going back to work.
In the short time that Kendall had been in his room packing, he had seen everyone, except for Carlos, go into Logan's room. James has gone to pack everything since he had been ready to leave since they knew they were moving back home. Kendall then saw his mother go in there and had heard two voices, muffled slightly. He heard James crying and wanted to go to his friend and try to comfort him. But he felt frozen, doubting himself and everyone around him. His mother had left soon anyway so obviously James had wanted to be left alone. Then Katie had gone in and so far had been helping James pack.
Kendall was so confused and lost. He had always been in tune to his friends and their feelings. He had always known when they were angry or hurting and he had always known just what to say or do to make it better. But now, he didn't have a clue. He didn't know how to ask his mother any questions. He didn't know how to be the big brother Katie had always looked up to. He didn't know how to deal with James' uncharacteristic display of strength. He didn't know how to deal with Carlos' new behavior that made a robot look alive. Logan's disaster had changed everything he had once known.
Packing was painful to do. Everything reminded him of Logan and the absence of the younger brother he had failed to protect. When they were fourteen and Logan left an orphan after his father's death, Kendall had sworn to himself to look after all of them. He had always done so, but this was different. This was real. He had become aware of just how much danger waited for them.
Kendall knew that he couldn't protect everyone from everything. But he should have seen this coming. He had seen it coming but he let his faith in Logan blind him from seeing the truth. He had messed up in every sense of the word, believing Logan and getting angry at James when he didn't believe Logan. The one time he had decided to let Logan go a little and it had been exactly the wrong time. He was a failure. He had protected Logan from everyone and everything except Logan himself.
Yet, he also knew that it wasn't all his fault. Everyone was to blame. But Logan. It had been Logan who had started to take the Ritalin and Logan who had lied repeatedly to them. It had been Logan who had refused their help and instead, turned to more drugs to solve his growing problem. It had been Logan who had tried to kill himself.
That was what had Kendall shaken the most. Logan had attempted suicide and had very nearly been successful. He hadn't wanted to face his mistakes and move on with everyone's help. He had just wanted to leave them. That was the part that Kendall could not justify no matter how silly the excuse that he came up with in his mind. There was no way to justify suicide. No way to make it okay. It was selfish and always left scars. Logan had willingly tried to leave them with such scars.
As protective as Kendall was over his loved ones, he had also found it hard to trust people ever since his parents divorced each other when he was just eleven. It didn't matter that his dad, despite moving to New York, had kept in contact faithfully with all of them and had been as loving and as supportive as any father could possibly be. The divorce had left Kendall with a permanent fear of abandonment that no one knew about. He had seen it happen with Logan too with Ryan Mitchell. That was one of the reasons Kendall had always been so driven to keep everyone together. He didn't want to be left alone.
But now, he felt abandoned by Logan. Someone he had always counted on to be there for him. It was a bewildering experience. Here today, gone tomorrow. Except Logan wasn't gone. Not really. He was still there, alive and getting better every day. He was just living a completely different life than Kendall now. It was like Kendall was watching Logan on the other side of a glass wall, like his friend had suddenly shoved him out of his life. That was what bothered Kendall the most, when he really thought about it. The thought that Logan might not want to be a part of his life anymore.
Where had he gone wrong? Was it something he said or did? Something he hadn't said or did? When had Logan stopped trusting him with everything? Maybe if Kendall had been a better friend, stronger, maybe then this would have never happened. As much as Kendall blamed Logan, it always came back to him and whatever mistakes he had made to cause Logan to get so far out of reach. Kendall just wasn't sure how to handle anything.
There was a knock at the door and he looked up to see Carlos standing in the hallway. "Hey," he said tiredly. "What's up?"
"I finished packing," Carlos said in a dull, lifeless tone as he trailed slowly into the room. "Need any help?"
Kendall surveyed the rest of his belongings and shook his head. "I'm good, thanks. But if you want to hang out and keep me company, that would be great."
It seemed to make Carlos feel a little bit better and he sat down on the edge of Kendall's bed as he watched his friend pack up. "Kendall," he whispered, seeming to be afraid to talk any louder, "What's going to happen to us?"
Kendall risked a glance at Carlos It was more painful of an experience than he thought it would be. Carlos looked lost and abandoned and everything Kendall felt but a hundred times worse. He ached to be able to make his friend feel better but there was nothing he could say. Not when he was so mixed-up himself. "I don't know," was the best he could manage.
At first Carlos was quiet as he thought over Kendall's answer. Then he glanced at a framed photo that displayed them as nine year old boys, fresh off the hockey rink from a great game. His eyes were locked on Logan even as he spoke once again to Kendall. "Why did he do it? Why did he lie to us so much?"
For the first time, Kendall thought of what Carlos might be going through. After all, it had been he who believed Logan time after time no matter what the others said. The betrayal for him was worse than Kendall had originally thought. And once again, he didn't have a clue of what he should say. "I don't know," he repeated, sounding just as helpless as before.
"Kendall?" Carlos looked up at his older friend, dark eyes swimming in tears. "I don't think I can go see him in two weeks. I'm angry at him. For everything he did. He had no right, Kendall! What did we do to deserve him stealing drugs and lying to us and then trying to kill himself?" Carlos' voice shook wildly but he forced himself to keep going. "We're supposed to be best friends! Best friends don't do that to each other. They trust each other and they don't lie to your face and- Why? Doesn't he care about us anymore?" Carlos broke off and snapped his mouth shut, lapsing into yet another silence that had no obvious end.
Kendall said the only thing he could think of. "I don't know."
"Here's the room you'll be staying while you're here." The nurse pushed open a door a stepped aside to let Logan through.
Logan entered cautiously. It looked like a hotel room with two beds, a couch, a small card table and chairs and a bathroom. "Two beds?" he asked because he couldn't think of anything else to say.
The nurse, her name was Rachel, nodded and smiled. "Daniel Wood is a little older than you. He's your roommate. Right now, everyone's down in the cafeteria for dinner, but you'll meet him soon enough. For now, why don't you make yourself at home?"
Home. Logan found her suggestion to be absurd. How in the world was he supposed to call this place his home for the next. . . however long he needed to stay? But he nodded and even managed a tiny smile. "Thank you."
Rachel left and Logan was by himself. For the time being anyway. His suitcases were already on the unoccupied bed by the window so he crossed the room to begin his unpacking. It was clear to him what his roommate had already claimed as his and Logan was careful to keep to the space he had been given.
He finished unpacking and with nothing left to do, burnt out of the adrenaline of earlier nerves, Logan collapsed on his bed and started to cry. He forgot about everything except how much he wanted to see his friends and family and apologize for everything all over again. He had never felt so alone in his entire life. He cried for everything and everyone. He mourned the loss of his parents and all the mistakes he had made. He cried for the broken trust between him and his friends and the pain he had caused them. He cried because he was positive they would never forgive him. He cried because it was what he deserved.
Logan didn't know how long he cried but all of the sudden, he got the feeling that he wasn't alone. His sobs quieted and he rolled over to see an older teenager, college aged maybe, staring at a book that he obviously wasn't reading. Mortified, Logan realized that his roommate must have returned to their room and he sat up, wiping frantically at his eyes.
"Here," the newcomer picked up the box of tissues from where they sat on the nightstand between the beds. "Use these."
Logan's fingers fumbled at first, nearly dropping the box. "T-thanks," he mumbled, still feeling embarrassed by the first impression he must have made.
"Are you Logan Mitchell?" the guy asked once Logan got better control of himself. Logan sniffed and nodded, forcing himself to look at the speaker. "Are you Daniel Wood?" he asked, his voice trembling a little bit.
"Call me Danny," Logan's roommate leaned across the empty space between the beds to shake Logan's hand. "Everyone does." Danny's grip was firm and his smile was friendly.
"Hi," Logan said, feeling shy. "So, um, how long. . ."
"How long have I been here?" Danny finished Logan's question for him. "Going on two months next week. It's an all right place. A little too much control if you ask me but that's probably for the best, right?"
Logan nodded. "Probably," he whispered. He had so many questions he wanted to ask but he didn't feel like he was in the right place to ask them. After all, he had just met Danny.
Danny though, seemed to sense Logan's hesitation. "Hey listen. I know you're probably freaked out by a lot of stuff, right?" he watched as Logan nodded. "Well, even though we just met, we're stick with each other. You seem like a nice guy and I've been told I'm not too bad myself." Danny grinned broadly when he got the smallest of smiles out of Logan. "We probably have plenty of time to get to know each other. If you want to know anything, just ask me, okay?"
Logan felt himself relax for the first time in over two weeks. He didn't deserve someone like Danny as his roommate. But it helped to know that he had a friend even at the lowest point in his life. "Thank you." he said gratefully.
Danny simply nodded, looking satisfied. "So," he began. "Any questions? I can give you the grand tour while we get to know each other. Sound good?"
He was a little tired. But walking around wouldn't hurt anything and it was better than going to bed where nightmares were sure to await him. It would be a good distraction. And besides, it would be good to get to know Danny and his new home. Because he didn't have a clue how long he would need to stay.
A/N. Oh no, an OC! -dead- I kinda hate them. A lot. But Danny came to me just as I was writing this chapter and he's. . . necessary. You'll see. I'm going to go to my Weeping Corner now and work on C26.