Of Unwritten Pages and Mysteries

10th of September 1996

MIKEY'S 15TH BIRTHDAY

11:56pm

So there are three pages left Edgar. Three pages and then you are finished. No more pages to write in. That is so fucking depressing I might jump off London Bridge for the fuck of it. You know when I first got you Edgar I hated the fact that I had to write you. I was fourteen years old and writing in a journal. It's not like I wanted to be more of an outcast then I already am, but you have been my backbone when I have needed it. My confident, my boyfriend pretty much because really I serenaded you with my love for Gerard (and Matthew the Camp Tour Guide).

But the fact that there are only three more pages left in you makes my heart tear. So tomorrow morning when I go back to Grandma's house I will find out what I am going to do. It will be awfully weird writing in someone else. Another book that's just isn't you. It will be hard...very hard. But it's not like your pages can last forever. It would be very romantic if it would. But this is real life, and now I have just wasted half a page ranting on losing you.

So today was Mikey's 15th birthday. I woke up at 7am in the morning, which was not that odd even when I had the disastrous wedding not even a day before. Really it wasn't that disastrous. It was more just epic in my mind. I have come to a very brief conclusion that I love Jake and Renee more than I love the four boner skaters Gerard hangs out with. I know that I really can't say anything about who he hangs out with because I hang out with a comic book misfits loving moron who was so modest it hurt my eyes Mikey, a bubbly over joyful and depressingly black Alicia, and on some occasions. If Mikey was lucky. Ray would sit with a freshman at lunch.

That had to be totally not cool. Unless you were sleeping with them. But that's just disgusting in itself. Unless it is me and Gerard, because clearly our bodies were meant to be together. If they weren't then why would my body get all tingly and nervous when my chest touched his back? I had jumped on his back at the wedding, mainly because I wanted to see what he would do. Because clearly the guy wouldn't know if his balls were about to get chopped off by some madman. He was really truly oblivious.

I think it's kind of cute. Though not when he is oblivious of me. I can feel the stares of Jake and Renee, every time I say something to Gerard, I feel as if Renee is going to whistle and a marching band is going to come out of the door and start doing this lively tune just because I asked for some ketchup. Though the thought of a marching band in Mrs. Way's living room is hilarious, the fact that not even that would awaken Gerard from his obliviousness chills my cold heart.

But let the fact be known, my dear Edgar. That Gerard Way has the cutest love handles ever. Like usually that's unattractive, especially when it involves me father. One time my dad took Janette, me and Jamia out on a bonding trip to the beach. It was a long drive, a really long drive took a weekend but dad stripped down to his boxers and his love handles where all saggy, and Janette found it attractive. And I was repulsed.

Though if I found my dad's love handles attractive I would be even more repulsed then the fact that Janette finds my dad attractive. He is my dad. It is illegal in most American states and I'm pretty sure Australia. If Mrs. Way ever suggests a place for us to go on a holiday, I would totally say without thought Australia. Just because it is hot there and it would give me a whole week (well however long the holiday is) to stare at Gerard half naked.

I could even convince him to go skinny dipping. Though the thought of Mikey joining is enough to make me throw up my dinner from last night.

So today is Mikey's birthday and I have run out of room to write. How fucking pathetic is that...

1pm

So I have sat here for three hours trying to think of a new name for a diary. At first I thought it was kind of wrong to have the same name for two different diaries because it's two different looks in life. Journal one and Journal two. Though I haven't thought of an appropriate name for you. Edgar means rich spear, and to me that has no meaning, but well I am going to sound like a fag. Edgar is me, but not, and any other name would just not be right.

So this is kind of awkward, being the first page again. No more having to flip through hundreds of pages just to get to a clean page. The fact in the matter is, it feels wrong to write in something that isn't Edgar. Like when I didn't lose you and wrote on napkins and other pieces of materials to get my thoughts down there was something inside of me that knew that I was going to write in you again so I didn't feel guilty.

But it is not my fault that I love you too much and wanted to write in you more than once a day. Well not you but the other you. So I shouldn't feel guilty but I do, and this is getting me no-where, I think I'll practice some guitar instead of sitting here and mulling over my dramatic life and love affair with a book.

5:21pm

So it was Mikey's birthday yesterday and when I woke up in the morning I had the whole thing weighing down on me, should I give him his present today and would it look weird that I had turned up with nothing to his birthday party. I didn't even know then and now who was coming. I knew for a fact that he had invited Alicia, Ray, Jake and Renee and of course me, but I wasn't sure who else.

So you got to believe me it felt weird to decide. Now if you don't remember Edgar (I have decided to keep the name that has grown on my heart for so long...) I have a cousin called Robert and he is a dirty sort of sleazebag that would buy porn for any person of any underage as long as they had the money. So I had paid him to get some girly porn magazines for the heterosexual of my best friend.

Of course I am not that much of a cheap ass because the magazine costs like a half hour shift at the comic book story, and I did get him something else. I am his best friend for god sakes. But once Cousin Robert got me the porn magazine (giving it to me at the wedding). I was actually surprised that he one turned up to the wedding and two that he owned a suit that was actually ironed.

The only time I had ever seen him was in his month not been washed band t-shirt and boxers that were WAY to short and WAY too tight for someone of his build. He was not fat, but he also wasn't skinny, and he was REALLY hairy. I ripped the cover of the homosexual porn magazine that believe it or not Robert bought from a newsagency and not online. Using staples I stapled it to the front cover.

Mikey was so nice he probably would just blush and say thank you for getting a gay porn magazine. Anyway so I was having a mini heart attack (and not a Gerard attack) over whether or not I should give him the present today, when Mrs. Way called. Grandma was surprised when she answered the phone. Not a lot of people call for me at her house, mainly because I never give away her number to anyone. Not like anybody asks for it anyway.

Rosaline however practically put an advertisement in the paper when she was sleeping around and not pregnant with the evil spawn children who had gotten their (MY) bedroom back when I left. That was the main reason I stayed at Grandma's with Jamia. Because I wouldn't have my room back. It is my room for god sakes and it should have never have been given to them. It was my sacred place.

Mrs. Way called as said that she wanted me to come over and help her make cupcakes. At that time I was willing to get out of the house for anything. Even if it was to run naked down the street, it was a burden being in my grandmother's house. I loved the old woman, but I was not allowed to watch any 'rude' TV in her lounge room, and she didn't know I was gay so I couldn't watch Marty from next door fix his garden, without getting curious glances.

Not that Marty was attractive, but he did look good sweating, I only knew this after I took a little peak, he was around my age, I think fifteen and he was OK to look out. Not anywhere near as attractive as Gerard but good looking. Definitely not ugly. Though not as hot as Matthew the camp tour guide either. I bet Gerard would look better doing the gardening anyway. Though I wasn't dating him so I didn't feel guilty oogling Marty. Well not that much anyway.

Grandma then said it was OK, but Jamia had to come. Grandma loved Jamia a bit too much so if I said no I wouldn't be able to come and that was bad enough in itself so I agreed and me and Jamia went to Mrs. Way's house. Only after I told her that Jamia was coming. Mrs. Way insisted that we sleep there, I was kind of annoyed that Jamia was allowed to sleep too.

I mean she stole my family and now she wants to steal the people I love. It just wasn't fair. I still have to accept that my life will never be fair. I don't think I ever will. I still have a bit of hope. I think Mrs. Way said it was OK for Jamia to sleep because Renee was there. I think she wanted Gerard and Jake to spend some alone time together just as guys.

Or Mrs. Way was just a really nice person. It could be either really.

So we went there and made cupcakes, at the time I didn't remember that Mrs. Way couldn't cook for shit and I ended up making cupcakes with Gerard. Jake and Renee had gone to explore New Jersey and Mikey had gone out with Vincent to buy his birthday present. So it was just me, Jamia, Gerard and Mrs. Way in the house. Mrs. Way was teaching Jamia how to knit. Which I found tremendously boring, and me and Gerard were beating the mixture together.

Making cupcakes from scratch was a hell of a lot more fun than making it from a mixture where you only needed to add milk and eggs. It was like something you make, I guess this is what people feel like when they have a baby. Even though they have gained an extra few kilos and will have hardly any sleep for the next few years, they have made something together from barely nothing. Must feel wondrous, if you like that sort of thing.

Me however, anything that caused so much pain could not be wondrous. Lucky enough God made me a male. Even if I had to be a gay one.

Jamia enjoyed her knitting lesson and so did Mrs. Way. Though I am sort of worried Edgar, it's not that hard to notice but Mr and Mrs Way seem sort of stressed. Especially after Vincent came back. I know definitely that Vincent didn't cheat on her; he was too in love with his wife to do that. And I don't think I can see any of the Way's cheating on their loved ones. It would be kind of sad if they did. They Way's were a perfect family.

I am worried though I don't want to show it. Mrs. Way has powers to read people's minds. I don't think I would feel comfortable for her to read my own. With some of the thoughts that I think about her son, I might send her to an early death. That's another thing I don't want to think about.

Then I saw the locket. I have started to call it 'THE LOCKET' not just a locket. Because a locket in itself just seems so bland. Even from only bits and pieces of knowledge I have put together I know that this locket is important. Even just by the way Gerard grasps it when he is nervous. Is enough to tell me that he can't live without the locket. It is interesting and mysterious, another thing about Gerard to fall in love for.

It was hidden behind his clothes it's outline forming from under his black chest and if I didn't know that it existed I would have thought it was just a crinkle in his shirt. I wonder how many people know what the locket means, and if they too are a mystery of their own? The Way's have been a mystery since they've got here, and I really wouldn't be surprised if one day they turned out to be the Mafia.

The idea is kind of hot. Bad boy Gerard. (Though I wouldn't trade this Gerard for any other Gerard in the world, even if he was oblivious dweeb, he is still perfect. Well perfect for me at least.)

After an hour or two of making cupcakes and doing them pink because we know that Mikey hates the colour, Jake and Renee walk through the front door hand in hand. I looked at Gerard who looked at them. I think he is jealous, not really of them being together but for what they have. Another mystery to note down on Gerard. I wonder what else gets him jealous? Does Mikey having a girlfriend make him jealous also, because if it does he doesn't show it.

Renee took a seat with Mrs. Way and Jamia and got some knitting equipment and joined in. I seriously don't know how they find it calm or fun. It looks boring and sort of frustrating. Though if you make a blanket with different patched squares like my grandma does, then it's OK. Because they are comfortable and warm. Nothing like the blankets you buy at the shop.

But knitting is boring.

Really boring.

Jake and Gerard stood around the kitchen for a while talking, I think they wanted to go off by themselves but felt guilty. I admit it was a bit of a stab to the chest, but sometimes I wanted to talk to Mikey alone, and sometimes Mikey wanted to talk to Alicia alone it was like that. So I went and joined the girls at the table.

To give them time to catch up without Renee, I would be the best fucking boyfriend ever. Clearly not only for my attractiveness. But for my willingness to let you be with your friends. How badly I want to call Gerard my own. How badly I am in love with him. It is kind of sad and pathetic. I think this is what I will name this journal. EDGAR the sad and pathetic chronicles.

It would be all very poetic of me. The perfect ending would be death by suicide for the love that I shall never get... well I hope someday I will get to at least kiss Gerard. It would be the best kiss in the whole entire world even if it wasn't mutual and only lasted six seconds it would be the best kiss I will ever have.

Mainly because it's Gerard and he is Gerard and the only guy I would ever kiss.

(Maybe Matthew and Marty but that is in a long shot that Gerard falls in love with a stripper named Josephine and has little Gerard's running all over the world. And Gerard is gay (well at least from what I've heard from Mikey and others...) and that is hardly likely going to happen. But I am sure mom was not thinking that he daughter was going to get pregnant at seventeen and have twins by the time she was eighteen. So anything could happen.)

I could die tomorrow.

That would be totally lame.

I wouldn't even get to figure out the mystery of the locket.

Things I have to do before I die,

(a)Kiss Gerard

(b)Figure out the mystery of the locket.

(c)Figure out if Ray's hair is possible to straighten

(d)Watch Aunt Marie and Uncle John get married. (like that's ever going to happen.)

and then Mikey came home...