Disclaimer – No money is being made on this.
Author Notes – Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! Hope you'll enjoy this chapter too and when I get back in a week my inbox will be full of review alerts!
For those who haven't seen it links to both a banner and a trailer for this fic can be found on my profile.
Thank you to CatishAngel07 for helping me beta!
Chapter 25 – Of Fears And Pain
Always said her life was never meant to be
Stuck here living someone else's dream
Well beyond your window there is so much more
Even every prison has an open door
Saint Veronica – Billy Talent
Harry did not like small spaces. He could handle the dark, could quite often even find comfort in it, but when the space got too small he freaked.
The cupboard under the stairs had been his bedroom for many years until aunt Petunia had been forced to admit that he was too big for it and needed another place to sleep. He had been more thankful then he had ever been in his life.
He had hated the cupboard from the start even if it had not scared him like it did later. When his parents had been alive he had had his own room – not an extremely big one but certainly bigger then a cupboard – and he had not understood why he was forced to live in such a small space. But his aunt and uncle had insisted that it was the only room they had so he had been forced to take it.
But as the years passed on he got bigger and bigger, while the walls stayed the same and even if he knew that it was not true he started to think that it was the walls crawling closer and not him that was growing bigger. It was an insane thought but once he had had it he could not let it go and with time he thought he could almost see them closing in on him while he sat there pressed up in to the corner.
When he had been allowed to take over Dudley's second bedroom he thought that he had finally seen the last of the cupboard but he soon realized that was only wishful thinking. He had shown weakness in front of his uncle, allowed him to see how afraid that small space made him, and Vernon was quick to take advantage of that. So when Harry was to be punished he was more often then not thrown in to the cupboard, the door locked behind him and sometimes he was forced to stay there for days and only allowed out to use the restroom.
He never told anyone else about his fear and he did his best to hide it from everyone. His uncle had used it against him and he would never let anyone else do that.
Sitting there now with his back pressed up against the wall and arms wrapped tightly around his legs he wondered for how long he would be forced to stay here this time. He wondered when they would allow him to get something to eat. He wondered if Vernon realized that this was the abuse he so vehemently denied.
And he wondered what they were doing at Horizon. What his friends did just at this moment and if they missed him. He wondered if Scott missed him.
He wondered if the laugh he heard was real or if it was only in his head. He wondered if the walls really had moved closer or if it was only his imagination and he wondered if he could scratch his arm hard enough to make the dull ache in his chest go away.
He wondered how he was supposed to handle all of this again.
- line break -
The sound of footsteps outside the door was what first caught his attention and when the lock clicked open a second later he was on his knees in a heartbeat and staring wide-eyed at the door. It opened slowly and he was forced to close his eyes against the sudden light that filtered in from the hallway but when he squinted them open again he saw the face of his aunt peering in at him.
Petunias face looked strange. Or maybe not so much her face but the expression on it. Harry could not quite place it but it almost looked like regret. That was something he had never seen on her face before.
A moment later the look was wiped off and her eyes hardened as she glared at him.
"Well, don't just sit there!" she snapped. "Dinner won't cook itself." And with that she turned on her heel and disappeared up the stairs.
Harry stared at the open doorway for a long moment, his mind slow to process what had happened, before he quickly scrambled out and got up on his feet as soon as he was out the door. His legs shook from having been forced to stay bent for so long and he placed a steadying hand on the wall while he got them back under control. Once the shaking had subsided enough he took a deep breath and made his way slowly towards the kitchen.
He hated this. Hated his 'family' and the way they treated him and most of all he hated the way he put up with it. Sure, he had tried to stand up to his uncle but what good had that done? And when the threat of the cupboard had revealed itself he had backed down immediately like some scared little prick and begged, actually begged, for forgiveness. It was humiliating and his only relief was that only the Dursleys had seen that side of him.
He wondered what Scott would have said if he had seen Harry like that. He would probably not have wanted anything more to do with him. And why would he? Scott was big and strong and did not take shit from anyone, he was a born leader, so why would he want anything to do with a scared little freak like Harry?
There was a pang in his heart at that thought and he had to place a steadying hand against the fridge while he took in a deep, calming breath. Scott was not like that, he told himself. The blonde was compassionate, sweet, protecting and he would not turn Harry away just like that. Scott liked him. He knew that he did.
A small smile crossed his lips and if it felt a bit forced then he ignored it.
Taking out what he needed from the fridge he got started on dinner. It was best to keep occupied and give himself less time to think about things. Focus on cooking and push all other thoughts aside.
He had been cooking for the Dursleys for many years now – almost since he got here – and it was something he was good at and usually enjoyed. It had a very calming effect and unlike all the others chores he was forced to do this was not very physically draining. The only downside was, of course, to cook when he did not get to eat but he tried to push that possibility out of his head as he prepared the food.
"Aren't you done yet?"
Harry cast a quick look over his shoulder to see Dudley standing in the doorway with a sneer on his face.
"No," he answered shortly and turned back to the food. He was chopping vegetables now, pretty sure that Dudley and Vernon would not eat any of it but he knew that Petunia wanted salad to her meals.
"Hurry up then!" Dudley snapped and waddled further in to the kitchen. "I'm hungry!"
"You're always hungry," Harry snapped back.
"What did you say?"
"I said you're always bloody hungry," Harry repeated and turned to glare at his cousin. "Now shut up if you want me to finish this!"
He swung back around to continue with the food, enjoying the few short moments of stunned silence, before he felt Dudley grab his arm and swing him around. As Harry watched Dudley's face slowly turn more and more purple he realized, for the first time, how much alike Dudley and Vernon really were.
"You don't get to talk to me like that!" Dudley yelled in Harry's face. "I'll tell dad, you fucking faggot!"
The threat was a valid one. It had been many years since Harry had been truly scared of Dudley, since he realized how pathetic his cousin really was and he started to fight back. Sure, Dudley was bigger and stronger but Harry was faster and had a wicked temper and when cornered he was not afraid to fight back and to fight dirty. Dudley knew that and mostly kept his distance, acting like his father and trying to use words to hurt Harry instead but he would never master that like his father and because of that they both realized that Harry would never fear him. But his father? Vernon? Yeah, he could make Harry scared shitless.
"Have to let your daddy fight for you?" Harry sneered as he put on a brave front. "Too chicken to finish your own fights?"
"Your one to talk!" Dudley said. "A little queer like you."
Harry smirked. "You see me backing down?"
Dudley stared at him a second, sizing him up, and for a moment Harry felt like a burger about to be ripped in to but he shook the feeling off and met his cousins stare right on. Slowly something like hesitation seemed to filter in to Dudley's eyes and Harry felt his smirk get bigger at the small victory.
"Didn't think so," he said and turned back to chopping the vegetables.
A shooting pain in his side made him double over, all the wind knocked out of him and he coughed as he tried to get it back.
"You little freak!" Dudley screamed and Harry looked up just as another fist came flying and hit him in the stomach. He would have yelped in pain if he had had enough breath to do it with. "You should have died just like your filthy boyfriend!"
Dudley aimed again but in a split second Harry got hold of the kitchen-knife and raised it up in front of him. Dudley stopped, his eyes wide as he stared at the knife, and Harry managed to take a few deep breaths and pull himself up enough to glare in to his cousins eyes.
"One more step, Dudders," he hissed, "and I'll fucking gut you open."
They both stood frozen for several moments, Harry taking deep breaths all the while, before Dudley slowly backed up a step. When he saw that Harry did not move he quickly backed up several more before he stopped in the doorway. Then, finally, he took his eyes of the knife and looked up at Harry.
"You won't get away with this," he said. "Dad will kill you."
Harry sneered. "Let him try."
Dudley stared at him a second longer before he turned around and fled the room, the house shaking as he ran up the stairs.
Finally Harry relaxed as the adrenaline slowly started to leave his systems and he sank down on the floor as his shaking legs no longer could hold him up.
This was it. He had finally crossed the line and he had no doubts about how his uncle would respond to this. It was all over.
He stared down in to his lap at the knife that he still gripped so tightly that his knuckles had turned white. There was one way out of this that he could control. He had done it before, had mastered the pain and made it something that was his, so why not take it one step further? Why let his uncle decide? Why let Vernon inflict pain on him that Harry had not approved?
He slowly rolled up the arm of his shirt and stared down at all the scars criss-crossing each other. He had done this. This was his. No-one else.
It felt like he was moving in slow motion as he put the knife against his arm, pushed down and slowly dragged it across the skin. As he removed the knife again there was a small cut left in its place and after a second red blood started to gather up in it and then slowly it overflowed.
He put the knife against his skin again, repeated the process and watched in fascination as more blood welled up from inside him.
"I'm not abandoning you"
Harry closed his eyes for a second as the words echoed in his head and he could picture Scott standing in front of him. But he had to do this. This pain was his.
"You're not leaving me"
A sob broke through and his hand shook as he pressed the knife against his arm again. He did not want to leave Scott. He did not. But he had to.
He pressed the knife down harder, gritted his teeth against the sting and let out a deep breath as more blood flowed from the wound.
And then he stopped.
He looked up at the window, watched the clouds sail over the sky and a few birds fly pass, and the knife dropped from his trembling fingers. There was another way. If he was fast enough.
He turned his eyes towards the doorway and tried to hear if there was any movement in the house. After a long moment of hearing nothing but small noises drifting in from outside he took a deep breath and pushed himself of the floor. His legs shook and he did not know if it was because of the adrenaline pumping through him or the pool of blood that had leaked out of him and gathered on the floor.
Another heartbeat and he took a slow step forward. When he still did not hear any noise he took another one and a small smile spread over his lips.
"I'm not leaving you," he said, his eyes focused on the doorway. "I'm figuring it out."