The Secrets They Keep
Heads' Dormitory, four days later
Lily had felt like she was the one who had died when she had gone back to classes the day after Sirus had thrown all of his accusations at her. Professor McGonagall had excused her from class for the rest of the week, but Lily just wanted to get back into her normal routine as quickly as possible.
Yes, she was absolutely devastated, especially having not seen her dad since the end of the last school year, and working was the only means of escape she could find to hold at bay the feelings of guilt she now was harboring. James had explained the whole tale to Sirus, once the latter had been able to comprehend what had happened – both boys glancing uneasily at Lily the whole time as she curled herself into an even tighter ball. Sirus was then the one who had conveyed the unhappy news to Alice and Peter who had tried their best to make life easier for their friend.
Somehow, they had all made it through the week, and the tension that was lifted from the Gryffindor Tower could be felt all the way in the Great Hall. However, nerves were still stretched tight in the Heads' Dormitory: Lily was jumpy – checking the clock every other minute and twitching at even the slightest noises. She tried to read but just couldn't keep still for any period of time.
When James walked through the portrait hole, Lily very nearly jumped out of her seat. James hurried to her side, not letting his worried eyes leave her for a second.
"What's wrong, Lily?" he asked anxiously. "Aren't you supposed to be leaving? I know you may not want to go, but you'll regret it later if you don't."
"No, I'm going home…"
The hesitation in Lily's voice made James cut in before she could even finish her sentence.
"But weren't you supposed to leave half an hour ago? Shouldn't you at least be down in Dumbledore's office?"
Lily looked away from him and actually blushed.
"I was waiting for you," she mumbled so low that James almost didn't catch it.
"You didn't have to; I knew you were leaving." James regretted the words as soon as he heard the way they sounded. "No! That's not what I meant. I'm just not sure why you were waiting for me."
"I – Well, you see – would –" Lily cut herself off then blurted out her request without thinking any further about it. "Come with me?"
James blinked a few times and looked thoroughly confused for a couple seconds, as if trying to process her words. However, he finally stopped floundering around like a fish out of water long enough to reply to Lily's question.
"You want me to come home with you and go to your dad's funeral."
Lily nodded.
"You could stay at my house, my mum would love to have you. And it's fitting. He thought of you as his son. Please."
James was not going to turn down her request, but had he even been considering it, he would have dismissed the refusal at the look on her face. She was pleading with him, in all earnestness, pleading, as if she thought he actually had the power to say "no". Her expression was almost endearing in a way, or at least a welcomed change from the tired grief he had seen on her face for the past week.
"Of course I'll come," he replied quickly, watching with pleasure as her face broke out into a soft smile. "I'm honored. Just let me pack a few things, and I'll be ready to leave."
Fifteen minutes later, Lily and James were entering the Headmaster's office, both sobered and mentally preparing themselves to enter a painful scene.
"Ah, Miss Evans, I see you were able to locate Mr. Potter," Professor Dumbledore addressed Lily as the two Gryffindors assembled before their Headmaster.
"Yes, sir," Lily replied. "Thank you."
James had never given it a second thought – his getting permission to leave the castle for the weekend. Of course Lily would have thought of everything before hand. Even with her life falling apart at the seams, she still managed to provide for everyone. He almost let out a sigh of awe in appreciation of everything she was.
"Do you think we could be going, sir?" Lily asked after a few moments of silence.
"Of course, Miss Evans. This fireplace has been connected to your house and shall be again on Sunday. If you need anything, do not hesitate to ask. And let me once more express my sympathy for your loss." He gave them a kind smile.
"Thank you, sir," Lily replied as she took a handful of the green powder that the Headmaster was offering her. James just nodded and followed suit. A few minutes later, he followed where Lily had led, letting the world spin into oblivion.
Lily's house, a few seconds later
As James tumbled out of the fireplace, he found himself in the middle of the Evans' sitting room. How ironic, he though. The last time he had been to the Evans' house, he had been on the very edge of this room, bothering Lily about her reading list while inviting her to dinner with his parents. The atmosphere had been so much lighter then he realized as he stood up to brush himself off. Even though he had been doing his best to wind her up, and she had been furious, it was nothing as heavy as the utter still that was the Evans' household now.
When James did finally look up, he was met with the very cross glare of Lily's sister. Seeing the way Petunia stared him down in complete loathing gave him reason to believe that the Evans' sisters had more in common than they were willing to admit.
"You brought him with you?" Petunia hissed. "I already had to explain all of this nonsense to Vernon when you suddenly tumbled out of the fireplace, and now you expect me to be accommodating for the both of you?"
Violet Evans, at the sound of Petunia's voice, looked up from where she was hugging her youngest daughter. James noted that she was very put together, just as he had always remembered, but her bright eyes and soft smile had been touched by the hard hand of death; it would takes years to remove the grief that was stained there.
"Oh, Lily," he heard Mrs. Evans sigh before he was being enveloped in her arms while she briefly beamed approvingly at her younger daughter. "Thank you, James, for coming. You have no idea what this means to all of us. And George would have been so pleased…"
James tried to focus on her words, but his eyes drifted over to where Petunia was cornering Lily, and he suddenly couldn't force his attention elsewhere.
"I thought you hated him, Lily," Petunia hissed – it seemed her voice only had one tone today. "But you bring him home from school to come to Dad's funeral? It would be different if he had just been in the neighborhood and chanced to stop by. How am I supposed to explain this to Vernon? Because I suppose he's going to have to stay here, after all, it doesn't seem like he has much of a house left."
Lily waited as patiently as she would for Petunia to finish her rant, and James could see how much control was going into keeping her tongue in check instead of merely lashing out at her sister.
"He has every right to be here, Petunia," Lily retorted, trying to keep her voice calm and low as to not disrupt their mother. However, Mrs. Evans was still talking to James so he doubted she would really notice her daughters' exchange. "Dad was as much of a father to James as he was to us, just as the Potters were parents to us as well as James. If I had had the chance to pay my respects at their funeral, I would have done so in a heartbeat."
"And why didn't you?" Some private magical affair?"
"If you haven't noticed by now, I am magical, too, but no. They didn't get a funeral; someone thought it would be too dangerous."
"Caskets might crush you?"
Lily was silent, shaking with the silent rage which had no outlet. It took a moment, but she pulled herself together, composed enough to retort once more without raising her voice. "They were murdered, if you'd care to remember something besides your own life for five minutes. A funeral for the two of them would draw every decent wizard and witch from the island. It would only take seconds to kill them all."
"Because that would be such a shame," Petunia mumbled.
What happened next came almost too fast for James to register. He was having an out of body experience, listening to Lily spar with her sister over his family, and then before he knew it, there was a sharp crack as Lily slapped her sister full across the face and was gone before Petunia even had the chance to feel the pain.
In the next second, however, she was wailing, bringing a large man, whom James knew as her recent husband Vernon Dursley, from the other room, and causing Mrs. Evans to break off mid-sentence and finally step away from James.
"Oh, James," she said before going to comfort her daughter, "I really can't tell you how much this means to me, and I know it means the world to Lily, too. Thank you, thank you for being here."
She stepped toward her eldest just as Petunia began her fruitless calls once more, and with Vernon, they began to comfort the hysterical woman.
James, not really caring how Petunia was faring, went off in search of Lily. It wasn't that he didn't care how she was, because he knew what a big hole the absence of a parent could leave, he just knew Lily was in the right and needed the support at the moment. Ignoring the scene behind him, he went up the stairs to the upper hall where he knew Lily's room would be the last one of the left. He had traveled this path hundreds of times, but never with as pure a motive as he carried now.
James had to finally admit to himself that he had been a horrible brat to Lily when they were younger, mostly because she kept close company with Snevillious whom he had despised from the get go.
However, he brushed the thoughts away as Lily's door came into view, and the sight of it closed tightly gave him the moment hesitation that he found he always had lately in this situation. While he had been brought up to knock on doors before entering, he knew that this was one of those times in which Lily probably wouldn't answer.
So he compromised, knocking to announce his presence but entering without being told to do so. Sure enough, Lily didn't even move away from the window when James entered, and when he joined her, he followed her gaze to the wasted plot of land where his house had once stood. Even though it had been destroyed two months prior, there was still nothing there – no house, expectantly, but not even any plants or wildlife. The magic that usually would foster growth had been tainted when used for evil and was continuing to suck the life out of the land.
"I'm sorry, James," Lily whispered when she felt his arms go around her. He tried to make her face him, but her eyes refused to leave the devastating sight.
"Lily, there is nothing you need to apologize for. You did not kill my parents; you had nothing to do with their deaths."
"No, it's not that," Lily said suddenly, before James could finish, "although, I am sorry for how hard this must be. I'm sorry that I asked you to come. I didn't realize how low Petunia would be. I thought she'd understand with Dad dying and everything, not that she'd go and say that." Lily turned to face James with tears in her eyes. "She hates me, but I never thought…"
"Please, Lily, don't…" James couldn't finish. His heart was thumping wildly, and before he knew it, he was holding her face and wiping away her tears. Then he came so close to kissing her without exactly knowing why, but he put that part of himself in check and contented himself with holder her close, letting her cry. All of the pent up anger, frustration, fear, grief, and uncertainty came pouring out in one flood, and James suddenly remembered that in the past couple of days, he had not seen Lily cry once after she had received the news about her dad. It was almost a relief for him to see her like this, instead of the living wreck she had been the few days previously.
"Please don't go," Lily pleaded quickly as she felt James begin to move away. "I don't care if anyone's coming, not my mum or Petunia or Sirus or even if it was Professor McGonagall."
"I'm not leaving you, Lily," James assured her as he grabbed her hand. "I just want to sit down."
He led her by the hand over to her bed and sat down. Still not letting go of her for a second, he pulled her into his lap, let her curl herself against his body, and then rocked her, doing all that he could to ease her pain.