This post will hit 50,000 words- the ficathon minimum
This post has been tough to write – reasons too many to explain… can't look at it anymore… here it is.
Decisions and Dominoes Chapter 25
Castle was nervous; first date nervous. He had never been to a therapist before though his mother had extolled the virtues of therapy for years. It was just quite possible that alone had kept him from ever going before now.
"Mr. Castle, sorry to keep you waiting," a deep soothing voice called from the doorway.
Castle turned and greeted Dr. Burke with a forced smile and a firm handshake, "The extra time gave me a chance to find all the exits."
Burke smiled at Castle's quip, "Please make yourself comfortable."
"Rick will be fine," he offered as he sat opposite the seat Burke had taken.
Burke took a moment to observe Richard Castle. He had a myopic view of him from Kate, he had read several of his books, and of course there were the tabloids detailing his various escapades over the years leaving the doctor with no doubt that there was nothing uncomplicated about the man sitting across from him.
"Do you find this awkward?" Castle blurted into the silence.
Burke seemed unflappable to him, "I think the more important question is do you?"
Castle laughed nervously, "I guess when I asked the question, I had my answer."
"Rick, I know several excellent therapists who I would be happy to refer you to if my history with Detective Beckett makes you uncomfortable in any way," Burke delivered the line without hesitation or falter.
Castle immediately rejected the idea, "Think of all the time and money I'll save since you know so much about me already." He was only half kidding.
"Do you think Kate talked a lot about you, Rick?" Burke was following Castle's lead.
"Didn't she?" uncertainty stabbed at him.
Burke just looked at Castle with a wry smile, "You're not going to answer that, are you? No, you wouldn't …the whole doctor patient privilege and all."
"Why don't we get started with you telling me why you're here," Dr. Burke shifted in his seat as though settling in for the duration.
"Beckett didn't tell you?" Castle adopted a sudden edge.
"She briefly filled me in, but I would like to hear it from you."
"It's complicated," Castle stalled.
"I understand, just start from whatever point in the story feels right to you," Burke encouraged.
"Okay, I fell asleep in my office, the serial killer 3XK broke into my house, we had a scotch and some conversation and he shot me in the chest at point blank range," it all had come out in an emotion free breathless rush.
Burke waited to see if Castle would try and fill the silence he intentionally left for him. He did, "And since the shooting, I haven't been able to be at my place without having these…episodes."
"Describe one of these episodes for me," Burke requested.
"Anxiety, panic, loss of focus, sweating, and debilitating fear," Castle listed the emotions he was battling without any.
"What do you do when these episodes occur?" he inquired.
Castle didn't like his answer, but he gave it up anyway, "I seek out Beckett."
Burke's eyebrow raised, but only slightly, "Why do you think you choose her?"
"I don't know," Castle attempted an evasive maneuver.
"I think you do," Burke challenged him.
Castle was obviously uncomfortable, "I guess because she knows what it feels like."
"You have a shared experience?" Burke looked for Castle to clarify.
"We've both been shot in the chest by lunatics and lived to tell about it," Castle fidgeted like he'd been stuck in a corner for timeout.
"Do you think that's the only reason?" Burke continued to pick at Castle's answer.
"Isn't that enough?" Castle questioned.
"It is if it's the only reason," Burke replied.
When Castle didn't say anything Burke lobbed one right at him, "Do you think it's possible that subconsciously you are using the episodes as an excuse to see Kate?"
Castle reacted virulently, "You think that I make myself go into one of these states on purpose?"
"I didn't say that. I believe your episodes are very real and completely out of your control. My question related to what you do when they happen," Burke calmly explained while Castle calmed down.
Sensing that he had struck a nerve not ready to be messed with, Burke changed tactics, "Has there been anyone else with you when these episodes have occurred?"
"My girlfriend at the time was there," Castle admitted.
"Was she able to help you deal with the symptoms of your episode?"
Castle jerked out of his seat and began pacing, "Sort of, I guess. She talked me down and got me to bed, but the nightmares came and I had to get out of the loft. It was raining. The lightning and thunder made things worse and somehow I found myself at her door."
"At Kate's door?" Burke reiterated.
Castle nodded, but his face showed he was clearly struggling with that choice, "Why would I go there?"
"Why wouldn't you?" Burke reversed Castle's thinking.
Castle's anger surfaced forcefully, "Because she and I are over; have been for months."
"Why did the relationship end?"
"She wanted a job in DC, and I wanted to marry her," Castle spat. "She wasn't interested in the latter."
"It's just that simple?" Burke pushed Castle's logic.
"It was for her," bitterness momentarily superseded his anger.
"Did she tell you that?"
Castle stopped moving and stared at Burke, "What? No, she didn't tell me that…not in words anyway."
"Then how do you know it was easy for her?" Burke forced Castle to question the validity of a conclusion that he was clearly using as an anchor for other feelings.
Castle was empty on answers so he turned to the windows and stared out fighting the urge to punch something.
"Why did you get so angry when the end of your relationship with Kate came up?" Burke decided to try yet another angle; he had a theory.
"Because it still hurts, I guess," he found something that rang true in all the confusion that had been swirling around in his head.
"When did Kate come back to town? Was it after your shooting?" Burke was trying to get the timeline straight.
"No, she came back on a Saturday morning and I was shot that same evening," Castle was putting those two events together for the first time and he turned to face Burke.
"Did you know she was coming?"
"No, she just walked in to the precinct with her new team," Castle's memory of the incident played out on his face.
"So within one twenty-four hour period, Kate returns unannounced into your life after abruptly leaving it, and that same night you are shot in your own home?" Burke was paraphrasing to help Castle see the enormity of what had happened to him.
Castle sifted through what Burke said, "That was an f'd up day."
"It certainly was, Rick."
"Are you saying that my episodes aren't just tied to the shooting?" Castle's question let Burke know that they were on the same path.
"I'm saying that it's possible that your episodes are tied to the events of the day and not isolated to just the shooting. When you talk about the shooting, you show very little emotion."
"When I talk about her, it's all emotion," Castle concluded.
"Why do you think that is?" Burke positioned Castle to dig for a personal truth he had been avoiding.
"Maybe if I don't give emotion to the shooting, I can distance myself from it," Castle found one that made sense.
"Why all the emotion, the anger, for Kate?"
Castle's confusion was crashing against a brick wall of resistance, but he forced his way over it, "So I can keep her at a distance."
"What do you think will happen if you let your anger go?" Burke focused on keeping Castle talking, but monitored his emotional fluctuations.
Castle's resumed pacing illustrated his agitation. Burke stayed seated and gave him time to walk it through both physically and mentally.
"I'm afraid…" Castle shut his own answer down.
Burke decided to risk pushing him, "What are you afraid of, Rick?"
The tangle of emotions that Rick had described in his episodes was surfacing as he battled with the answer, "I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop myself."
Castle's eyes took on a glaze, his breathing was irregular, and his hands were shaking, "Stop yourself from what?"
"Stop myself from going back," he went from being on the edge of what Burke surmised was an episode to being drained.
"Back to Kate?"
Castle nodded, but wouldn't look at Burke.
Now that the truth was out, Castle's symptoms had subsided somewhat, "What would that mean to you, Rick, if you went back to Kate?"
Castle was beat, but there was some resistance left in him, "Isn't my hour up, yet?"
"You're free to leave at any time," Burke assured him. "I'm here to help you find your way in your own time."
Castle looked uncertain, but he didn't move toward the door, "That I would be admitting that I don't deserve more. That what she did when she left wasn't wrong."
"Is it possible that Kate knows she made a mistake?"
A pained expression preceded his confession, "I haven't really given her a chance to say one way or another."
"Why not?" Burke asked bluntly. "Wouldn't it be better to live with the truth than whatever you've made up in your head?"
Castle fought against Burke's logic, "If I let go of the anger, all that leaves me is the fear."
"Fear of what?" he probed.
"Tyson," he readily admitted, "and what he's going to do next to me or the people I love."
"Being angry at Kate allows you something else to focus on besides your fears related to the man that shot you and threatened your family?"
Castle nodded. Burke didn't wait long, "What else are you afraid of if you let your guard down with Kate?"
"The next time," Burke could see the tension ripping through Castle, but he waited for him to find the words for his own story, "The next time something shiny attracts her attention and she's out the door."
"Let's say that what you just said is true. What does that mean to you?" Burke felt that Castle was on the edge of a major realization.
"That I'd rather live with the anger and without her… than have her for a while and lose her again."
Castle dropped down onto the arm of the chair he had been sitting in earlier as this new understanding sunk in, "So what do I do?"
Dr. Burke stared evenly at Castle's profile, "What do you want to do?"
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Castle headed straight for a coffee shop when he left Burke's office. His body felt as though he had been through a gauntlet. His head ached and his neck muscles were ropelike in their stiffness. It took what mental acumen he had remaining to determine that his next move would be arrival at The Four Seasons to check on his girls and set up a date with a masseur and a bottle of something expensive with psychologically numbing capabilities.
Stepping back into the afternoon sun, Kate's ringtone cut into his plans. Staring at her face on the screen, he almost let it go to voicemail, "What's up Beckett?"
"Castle, I need you to get over to my apartment right away," Kate made it sound urgent.
Castle stopped walking, "Is something wrong?"
"No, I just need you here. It's important," she promised.
"Alright, I'll be there as soon as I can," thoughts of his massage would have to wait.
Flagging down a cab, Castle was able to reflect on his session with Dr. Burke. He was awed by how easily the man had opened him up exposing his raw middle. Awed and impressed, though he really shouldn't have been since Burke had been the one to reach the most guarded person he knew; Beckett.
Foremost in Castle's mind was the path the session had taken. Instead of being an analysis of the issues brought up by the attack in the loft and Tyson, it had been more about Castle's feelings about Kate. As he backtracked through the conversation, he tried to find evidence that Burke had led the discussion there, but found none. On the ride to her place he was forced to look at his anger objectively and at suppositions he had made about her motives without giving her a chance to defend them.
"Sir! We're here," the cab driver's voice was annoyed.
Castle focused on the man realizing that was probably not the first time he had announced their arrival. "Sorry," Castle handed him a twenty and told him to keep the change as he got out.
When Castle got to Beckett's door he reached for his keys out of habit, stopped, mentally kicked himself, and knocked. There was no answer, so he knocked again; still no answer. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up, Castle tried the door. It was unlocked. Kate never left her door unlocked.
Out of recklessness or a simple self destructive urge, Castle shoved open the door and walked in ready for whatever came next.
"Well, that took some balls, son," Jackson Hunt said as he stepped out of the shadows provided by the late afternoon sunlight.
Castle stopped in the center of the room, "Guess it's genetic."
"How did you know that Tyson wasn't the one waiting for you?" Hunt was trying to read his son.
Castle shrugged, "I didn't."
"What were you going to do if it was?"
"Wing it," Castle answered flippantly.
Hunt decided to let it go for now and embraced his son, "You look good, Richard. A whole lot better than the last time I saw you."
Castle let himself smile, "I would hope so."
"Sorry for the subterfuge, but I've lit a stick of dynamite under our boy Tyson, and I don't want him putting two and two together about you and me until it's too late," Hunt explained.
"So, Kate's not here?" Castle had to ask.
Hunt eyed his son, "She thought it best if we talk alone."
Hunt spent the next few minutes filling Castle in on his effort to ferret out Tyson; leaving out the part about dispatching some of the more undesirable acquaintances of his target. That could wait for another day much farther down the road.
"Tyson was adamant that no new players be brought into the game," Castle was nervous about his father's ploy and what Tyson would do because of it.
"Son, I've chased every kind of bad guy you've ever written about. This guy is smart; really smart, but he's made a crucial mistake. He thinks he's the smartest player in the game," Hunt explained. "Why do you think he wants to control who's involved?"
Castle remembered what Tyson had said in the loft, "He said that the players had specific strengths, skills and exploitable weaknesses."
"With an unknown in the game, it forces him out of his comfort zone as puppet master and back out onto the board where he's not in control of every move anymore," Hunt explained.
Castle was short on trust these days, but he put all he had in his father, "We're going to get this son of a bitch, right?"
Hunt smiled broadly as he clapped his son on the back, "It is my one and only mission, son. Kate have any beer?"
Castle retrieved two cold ones from the fridge and returned to the living room. After handing one to his father, the two men sat in silence for a few minutes just enjoying being in the same space.
"I don't want to cross any boundaries that you might have in place for us, but what's the deal with you and Beckett?" Jackson was treading lightly.
Castle took one and then another pull on his beer, "We broke up four months ago."
"Yeah, I know, when she took the DC job. That's not what I asked you, son," Hunt stared at Castle gauging his reaction.
"That's all I got," Castle dodged.
Less than a minute later Hunt declared, "There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about your mother."
Castle stared at his father and grinned, "Martha's pretty unforgettable."
Hunt returned the smile, "That she is, son." Silence engulfed them again and both sank comfortably in to it. "I had one night with a woman that I have loved ever since," Hunt offered.
Castle's defenses were down from the beer and the session with Burke, "I had a year with mine. Maybe I should be more grateful."
"You giving up on her, boy?" Hunt's voice posed a challenge.
"Did you know I asked her to marry me?" Castle revealed. "No strings attached. The DC job wasn't even a factor."
Hunt had not known, "I'm sorry."
"I wasn't the one who gave up on us, that's all," Castle got up to see if there was any more beer.
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Kate left her apartment just before Castle arrived deciding a visit with her own father would do her some good. She found him waiting for her at the diner in the same booth they had shared the day she made the fateful decision to take the DC job.
"Hey, Dad," she said sliding in opposite him and giving him a smile.
"Katie, how are you?" he asked searching her face.
"I'm not going to lie, it's been tough," she told him honestly.
"How's Rick?"
"Physically he's healing well, but emotionally he's struggling," Kate held back on the details.
"I guess that's to be expected, given everything that's happened," he picked up on the vague answer, but let it go. "So, what'd you want to talk about?" he cut to the chase. Kate never asked to meet him during the day like this unless it was important.
"Can't I just want to see my dad?" Kate attempted a redirect that immediately fell flat.
"Katie, it's me. Talk," he used his father voice as encouragement.
"I resigned from the task force and rejoined the 12th as part of a plan to catch Tyson," Kate lowered her voice so no one else would hear her. "Only a handful of people know about this."
Her dad looked surprised, "Is this for real or just a ruse?"
"For all practical purposes it's for real. The paperwork was filled out and turned in; I relinquished my badge and gun to Stack, and I have my old position back with NYPD. With Tyson's connections, we didn't want him to have any way to prove my resignation from the task force and my reinstatement at the 12th wasn't for real."
Kate's expression told her dad there was much more, "Does that mean after you catch him you'll be returning to DC and the task force?"
Turmoil swirled in Kate's eyes, "I'm not sure I want to go back."
"That doesn't surprise me in the least, Katie," her dad answered definitively.
"But...," she faltered.
Her father looked at her questioningly, "But what about, Rick?"
Kate nodded, "He's so angry, Dad, and he's not even the only one."
"When you left this diner four months ago, I told you that you were going to have to live with the repercussions of your decision. One of those being the possibility that Rick would not be able to forgive you," he intentionally didn't use the word hate.
Kate's eyes began tearing, "He's been working at the 12th since I left and has become the leader of my old team. Castle, Espo and Ryan are like the three musketeers; and they have become fiercely protective of him. Even Gates has warmed up to him and considers him an asset to the department, and my best friend chose him over me when it all came down to it."
"Not what you expected, sweetheart?" Jim had felt his daughter's regret in every word.
"I don't know what I expected. I didn't let myself look at what would happen here when I left," it was a self indictment.
"What happens to all that Katie if you decide to come back?"
"That's the problem. As much as I want to, I can't come back if it means diminishing everything he's accomplished. What if he decides to leave because I come back?" Kate's voice had dropped to a low whisper. "And it's not just about him, Dad, everyone seems to have adjusted and moved on. What right do I have to turn everything upside down again just because I made a mistake?"
"You don't know that would happen," her dad tried to offer some hope.
A tear escaped down her cheek, "I can't risk hurting him again; any of them."
"So when this case is over…," her dad stopped to let her finish the statement.
"I'm going back to the task force because it's the only decision I can live with," Kate's eyes were clear behind her tears.
"What about you, Katie?" he was her father after all. "I know you're still in love with him."
Kate wiped away a stray tear, "That's why I have to go back."
Jim Beckett stared at his daughter with an ambivalent heart. He was filled with admiration and pride to see Kate willingly putting the needs of others before her own, but aggrieved to know it was going to cost her the future that would have brought her true happiness.