And I Lost Who I Am, And I Can't Understand
Author: LexysCPD
Words: 1,019
Disclaimer: I don't own Chicago PD or song lyrics (Titles).
Author's Note: And I got 75 favorites, 175 follows, and 265 reviews. Thanks to those who reviewed last chapter; CaseyJr, Joy, ryrissa1994, DCT Won't Forget You Now, GRemy, BASVamp, BLindsay, MDCrime.
This is just an Erin-Centric chapter. A little Voight. Erin will go down the drain for these two chapters. This chapter has a scene from He Saved Me.
So the title came from Shattered by Trading Yesterday.
Uploaded: November 9, 2014
Erin looked at the three empty bottles on her kitchen table. It had been a week, and not once did she leave her house. She hadn't visited Voight, or talked to anyone. Erin smiled. The alcohol was numbing her pain, both mentally and physically. She was running out of the alcohol.
She rubbed her face. She needed something else, something to numb her pain. She rubbed her face. She stood up and stumbled to her room. She looked through the cabinets, looking for something, anything to get rid of what she was feeling.
After her suicide attempt as a teenager, the doctor gave her a prescription for an antidepressant. She still had the pills, especially after Colton kidnapped her. She hadn't taken it, but she knew she was going to.
She knew it was a dangerous drug, she knew it had side affects, but at the moment, she just wanted to feel nothing.
Erin took the bottle of Lexopro. She went to her kitchen, as she stared at the bottle. She hadn't opened it yet, but she got the alcohol bottle.
She leaned her head on the table. She could hear her father's voice.
It's your fault I'm dead. This is all your fault.
Erin whimpered, as the voice got louder. She rubbed her face. She wanted to voices to stop. She didn't want to hear him.
Your family, your real family is dead, and it's because of you.
Erin drank some more of the alcohol. She wanted to forget.
But soon, all she could think about was her mother, her dead mother, her blood on her hands and her forehead.
Erin's tears stung in her eyes. Her body shook.
She remembered her mother, dead in her arms. She remembered begging her to wake up, but it didn't happen.
Erin cried, as she drank more alcohol. She looked at the pill bottle. After a few seconds of staring at them, she grabbed it, opened it, and got one. She swallowed it, downing it with alcohol.
Traitor.
"Shut up!"
You betrayed this family!
"Stop!"
You aren't a Lindsay. You never were! You don't deserve to live!
"Shut up! Stop please!" Erin cried, as she threw the bottle to the wall. "Please shut up."
She covered her ears, trying to block out the voices, but they just got stronger. They started to scream at her, telling her she was a disappointment. Telling her that she betrayed all of them. That she was useless.
Erin pushed herself from the chair. She went to the bathroom. She grabbed the kitchen knife on the way. She sat on the toilet, staring at her wrist and the knife. She wanted the pain to end. She wanted to be free from the world.
Erin looked at the broken mirror. As her mind went back a few years.
Her tears wouldn't stop. She sobbed as she stared at her reflection. She didn't know what to think. Her mind was blank. One minute she was staring at the mirror, the next the mirror was in pieces. Her knuckle was in pain, and it was bloody but she didn't stop it. She glared at her reflection. She thought of all the pain she had been feeling. She thought of how she didn't deserve to live.
A piece of the mirror caught her eye. She picked it up, not caring that it was cutting her palm. She moved to the bathtub and turned it on. She was in her worn world. She stopped the water and got into the tub. She gasped when the cold water touched her skin. Once she was in the tub, she brought the shard to wrist and slit it.
Erin blinked a few times. She looked at the knife again.
Die. You don't deserve to live. You chose someone over your blood. You let your blood die.
Erin raised her hand with the knife. Her hand has trembling. She let the cold edge of the knife on her wrist. She took a deep breath and let the knife slice through her skin, She hissed, as she let the hand with the knife fall. She smiled, as she looked at the blood oozing out of the cut.
Chicago PD
Voight was getting out of the hospital. He was worried. He hadn't seen Erin in a week. She hadn't visited him, nor answered his calls. He called the first person he could think of. He knew that the person would do whatever they can to get through to her.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. She may talk to you."
"I'll do whatever I can."
"That's all I ask. Thank Jay."
He hoped it would be enough.
Chicago PD
Erin looked at her teacher, nervously. She had been called to his classroom. She entered it and stood at the door.
"You wanted to see me?" Erin whispered, as she moved into the classroom.
"Yes, I wanted to talk to you about your paper," her teacher said, as he placed the paper in front of him. He told Erin to sit down. The teenager did.
Erin watched him. He moved to sit on the table, in front of Erin. "Do you remember the assignment I gave you?"
Erin nodded. She did. He wanted her to write about their families. It was a difficult assignment for her. She didn't know what to write. So she didn't write much.
Her teacher placed the paper in front of her. Erin looked down. She read the words on the paper.
I don't have a family.
Erin closed her eyes. She didn't know why she did it. She didn't know why she turned it in.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Erin shook her head. "What is there to talk about?"
"Erin," he whispered.
Erin took the paper and ripped it in half. She stood up. "That was a stupid paper. I-I didn't mean to write that. I-I just didn't-I." Erin shook her head and just left the classroom. The teacher called her name, but she didn't turn back.
She decided not to return. She stopped going. A few weeks later, she met Voight.
Next Chapter:
You Must Return to Me