Joker hit his chair, his body a lead weight. Everything ached. He supposed that was what he got for sitting up with Tris half the bloody night. He rubbed at his knee, the joint giving an aggravated click for his trouble. Like usual, he'd meant to leave, but he found he just couldn't do it. Tris had been so comfortable, so happy. He'd fallen asleep with his arm curled almost protectively around Joker's waist in the middle of the vid they'd been watching. Okay, so he could have slipped away and Tris probably wouldn't have even stirred but…

"You are becoming a sap, Moreau," he said to himself and leant back in his chair.

"Is there something wrong, Mr Moreau?" EDI asked. The hologram appeared next to him.

"No, nothing, go back to…sleep? Guess you don't sleep. Go back to spying on everyone silently and don't give me that look, we all know you do."

"I am incapable of giving any kind of look, Mr Moreau," EDI answered. "However it must be noted that you are early for your next shift by several hours. This generally occurs when you are suffering insomnia."

Joker swivelled his chair back and forth, staring out into the space around Omega. He'd chased off the crewman sitting his watch and sent him to bed early, but there was less than half an hour until the mid-watch would arrive. He supposed he could go to bed.

"Yeah, insomnia…" he said. If only it was insomnia. Insomnia he was used to, even comfortable with in a neurotic kind of way. No, this was good old-fashioned sexual tension keeping him awake.

Now, in his mind, things were supposed to go one of two ways based on Shepard's reaction to his attraction. The first included the Commander laughing in his face and telling him he'd never be interested in a cripple; self-depreciation really was one of Joker's skills by now. The second had included him, Shepard, the Captain's Cabin and a locked door. That hadn't happened either. Not that he minded Shepard taking this slow, hell maybe it was even kind of nice. He knew Shepard would never be interested in anyone just for a cheap lay but Tris made him feel special and not in the 'careful, don't say anything bad about the cripple' way. He didn't think he would give that up for the world but the body did have an awful way of making itself and its urges damn well known.

Joker shifted awkwardly in his chair. Just thinking about all the sex he wasn't getting was making the damn problem even worse.

"Is there something wrong?" EDI asked.

"No!" he said, his voice way too loud, but goddamn, that was not a conversation he was going to be having with the damn AI. "Look, just, ignore me. Pretend I'm not here."

"You are asking me to disregard your presence here on the bridge?"

"Exactly."

For the next fifteen minutes EDI was respectfully silent. Until Hadley arrived.

"Hey, EDI," he said.

"Good evening, crewman Hadley."

Joker spun his chair around. Hadley was a good guy. He liked mid-watch and completed all his tasks with few to no problems. Luckily for him Joker generally wouldn't crawl into his bed for at least another hour or so, so Hadley got an hour more free personal time than most of the other flight crew.

"Oh, hey Joker!" Hadley said. He gave a weak salute. "Staying here for a while? I can clear off."

Joker sucked at his top lip in thought. He could stay. He wasn't really enthusiastic about the prospect though. "You know, Hadley, I'm gonna try get a cup of coffee down and get some sleep. Looks like you've got a full shift ahead."

"Damn. Well, suppose I can't always get lucky." He snapped another salute as Joker left.

Joker could hear EDI speaking with Hadley as he headed away. Hadley seemed more than happy to talk. Still, it probably didn't question his mood and motives every damn second of the day. He headed down to the crew deck. It was dead this time of night, most of the crew asleep or at their terminals in the CIC, so he had the entire Mess to himself. Himself and the incessant hum of the ship. Just them, alone, all by themselves.

Cup of coffee in hand he sat at the table and rested his legs up on the chair next to him. At his terminal he could have watched a vid, or played a game but damned if he could keep his mind on anything at the moment.

"What's up, Fly Boy?"

Joker started and sat up straight, his feet hitting the ground. Pain sparked in his ankles and knees and he winced back a cry of pain.

"Shit, you didn't fuckin' break anything, did you?" Jack asked. She almost looked concerned.

He moved his ankle and flexed his toes. "No…just hurts like a bitch."

"That would be all I need," Jack said. She sat in the chair across from him and leant forward on the table. "Being responsible for the Commander's boy toy breaking a leg or some shit."

"I wouldn't exactly be happy either, you know."

"Yeah but I ain't worried you're going to kill me."

"Everyone always underestimates the crippled guy," Joker said. Underestimated, was afraid of hurting… Someone would think he was going to break every bone in his body just firing a pistol or fracture his fingers jerking off with the way people treated him.

"You look pissed, Fly Boy."

He wanted to remind her of his name, since she seemed incapable of using it, but he thought better of the notion. He might be aggravated and pissed off, but there was no point in inciting the wrath of a fellow crazy person, especially one capable of tearing him in half with biotics.

"Long day," he decided on eventually.

"Maybe for you. Can't get my mind off shit on this fuckin' ship. Too damn quiet. No release, either. At least you're getting screwed."

Joker figured a lot of people would be turned off purely listening to Jack speak, but he'd spent most of his life around enlisted men and women or worse – he'd heard it all. "Yeah…" He took another sip of coffee.

Jack stared at him and then laughed. "Ah shit, didn't see that coming! Goddamn, he hasn't fucked you yet, has he?"

"Goddamn, can you at least try to be a little ladylike?" Joker swore something else under his breath. "It's none of your damn business, anyway."

"And here I was thinking he'd just turned me down. Maybe it's gotta do with him? Can't get it up?"

Joker slammed the coffee mug down on the table, way harder than he meant to, but the thing was metal and wasn't about to break. "You need to learn when to shut the hell up."

So she'd touched on a nerve; Jack couldn't have known that. Not that it mattered much to her, but Joker had a particular way of losing his self-preservation instincts when challenged directly. Or when he was drunk. But perhaps it was more of an insult that Jack didn't rise to his challenge. She leant back in her chair and smirked. She didn't see him as a threat; she didn't see him as anything.

"Calm down," she said. "After all, what do I know? Maybe I'm just jealous because he'd rather fuck you than me?"

Her smile unsettled him. He knew that Jack didn't really have any particular hatred for him, hell, she probably didn't even think about him, but her personality leaned more towards the chaotic. She might just try to destroy him for the sheer hell of it. She wasn't above the notion.

"It does explain why you're so goddamn catty, though," Jack continued. "So what it is? Is he afraid he's going to break you? Hell, I'd usually say it was because he just wasn't that into you, but he seems fuckin' fascinated with your broken ass. Almost makes me wonder what the hell is so special about you."

"Everything," he said. Any other night he could have put up with the razzing, the teasing, but Jack was hitting right on a very sore spot at the moment. Truth was that Tris was afraid of hurting him; he'd admitted as much. Tris had never treated him like a cripple, never acted any different around him. Tris trusted him and trusted the Normandy to him and geez, it wasn't like he'd never had sex before. Being a pilot, even a crippled one, had its benefits, and he'd never broken a bone before while flying in the bedroom – okay, he'd fractured his tibia once but that one was his own damn fault. Though that girl had certainly run a mile…

"Look," he said. "Can you just do me a huge favour and back off? Leave a guy to his own pain and misery, would you? Don't try to make it worse."

"Hey, it's not my bloody fault that—"

"Am I interrupting something? Seems like an important discussion," Kasumi said. She was holding a glass of what might be milk, or might be white water considering what passed as milk these days, and a cookie straight out of a ration pack.

Jack looked up and over her shoulder at Kasumi. "Hey. I was just leaving." She stood, the chair scraping against the floor. "Enjoy the rest of your night, Fly Boy."

Kasumi nibbled on the edge of her cookie as she watched Jack leave.

"You have no idea how glad I am you're here," Joker said. "And that's rare; because it's usually you that's giving me shit."

Kasumi smiled and sat down in Jack's previous chair. "A little birdie told me you could use some rescuing. Truth be told, I was right in the middle of the best part of one of my favourite books, so you owe me."

"Uh-huh and this little birdie wouldn't be blue and white and somewhat holographic, would it?"

"I'll never tell. Though she was quite insistent I maintain the fragile stability of the crew dynamic and make sure you didn't get your head torn from your delicate shoulders. She seems to quite like your head exactly where it is."

Joker held his fingers against the bridge of his nose, trying to stifle the pain there.

"But seeing as though you do owe me now, I believe you should probably tell me what that was all about. A bit of hot gossip and I'll call it even."

"It was nothing."

Kasumi grinned. "If it was nothing as often as you said it was nothing then I wouldn't keep asking. But generally 'nothing' means 'something' and hence, I'm asking."

Joker stared at her. He supposed, eventually, he was going to have to admit that Kasumi was probably one of the best friends he had. He'd always gotten along with Alenko, been reasonably friendly with Tali, and occasionally chatted with Garrus before he left the ship, but he'd never really been friends with any of them. Not really. But here was Kasumi, who seemed to like spending time with him and who he maybe even liked spending time with. She wasn't all bad. They even had a lot in common.

"I don't think I really want to be having this conversation with you," he said and shook his head. "Last thing I need is for people to laugh at me as I drag my ass through CIC in the morning. Oh, haha, there goes Joker, the cripple."

Kasumi didn't so much as blink. She was a master of hiding her thoughts and tailoring her expressions, after all, so Joker couldn't really determine what she thought.

"You should come to my quarters and we can talk over a drink. That way anything you tell me you can blame entirely on the alcohol. Come on!" Kasumi stood, holding the remainder of her cookie in her mouth, and beckoned him after her.

And against what might be his better judgement, he followed. He sat at the bar and Kasumi placed a glass of pink liquid in front of him and poured something else into her glass of milk.

"How exactly did you manage to get this whole room to yourself, anyway?" Joker asked. "In fact, how did most of you recruits get entire rooms to yourselves? I'd sleep in the damn trash compactor room if someone offered it to me."

Kasumi smiled. "You're nowhere near important enough for the compactor room, Joker. That's reserved for true hard-arses. Besides, I think you'll be upgrading to better quarters pretty soon. I'll be jealous of you."

"If you're insinuating what I think you are I'm going to have to ask you step away from the romance books." He took a swig from his glass and made a face as the sickly sweet liquid slid down his throat. "Ugh, what is this?"

"No? It's Asari liquor. I thought I'd start you on something a little lighter before we hit the paint thinner, but fine." She poured him a glass of scotch. "This stuff is probably older than you are. Just…don't ask where I got it from."

"My lips are sealed."

Kasumi leant against the bar and watched him drink. He tried not to look at her, but he didn't really have much choice after a few minutes of silence. "Okay, what do you want me to say?"

"Whatever you want to say," Kasumi said. Her lips quirked into that smile that just screamed that she had a secret.

Joker leant back, his bar stool rocking before he steadied it against the floor. Damn it. Kasumi had heard. "Alright, fine, the pathetic cripple can't even have sex with his boyfriend." He let that word spill out of his mouth with contempt, because he thought it was stupid. It sounded so immature. "He'll break his friggin' legs or…" He sucked down the last of the scotch in the glass. "…or shatter his pelvis or something, which is just crap."

Kasumi smirked and leant her head against her hand. "And who told you that? Because generally it's fairly easy to spot a virgin, and I don't quite get those vibes off you. Honestly, if Shepard hadn't jumped first, I think I would have. You're cute."

Joker rolled his eyes.

"No, really!" She poured him another drink but took the glass before he could and went to sit on the couch.

"C'mon, Kasumi. I'm in a really fucking bad mood, okay?" Joker stepped down off the bar stool tentatively. The floor was a little further away than he generally liked. But Kasumi had his drink, which he could really use right now. She waved the glass at him and he sat next to her, swiping it back and bringing it to his lips.

"I never lie, Joker. Unless I have to, or unless it's fun, or if I want something. But otherwise, I never lie. I mean it – you're cute. Shepard's a lucky bastard."

Joker was about to complain again. Compliments like that never sat well with him. Kasumi's arm came to rest around the back of his neck and she slid, like a languid cat, to sit in his lap. Joker just about inhaled his tongue and he held his hands away from her. "What the hell are you doing?" he spluttered out.

"Am I crushing your legs? Breaking your bones?"

"Of course not, but you're on my lap and it's really weird. Shit…" When he inhaled, Kasumi smelled like…spices, flowers, perhaps a perfume? No, she wouldn't wear perfume.

"Well, from what I can see then, if me sitting on you isn't breaking any bones…" She smiled at him; that damn smug quirk of her lips that he was coming to associate with being totally screwed over for the fun of it. "I think that Shepard would be as careful as he had to with you, don't you? He does like you an awful lot."

Joker rubbed at his nose. He felt uncomfortable. He'd left his hat in Shepard's quarters, so he didn't even have that to hide under. "You're still in my lap."

"Well, look at that! So I am. You are very observant," she said. Kasumi giggled – damn, he wished she wouldn't do that! – and shifted in his lap.

"And you really need to stop doing that. There's a reason I wasn't sleeping, okay? Me and the little pilot aren't on speaking terms at the moment."

Kasumi was too damn smug. She touched his cheek with her bare fingers, seeming to appraise the facial hair across his jaw. "I'm going to give you a lesson in taking what you want, Mr Moreau," she said.

Kasumi leant forward then and touched her lips to his. The kiss was soft, not at all demanding but it took all his will power not to return the simple gesture. "Now," she said. "Finish your drink for some dumb courage, get in the elevator, and go to his cabin and get what you want." She slid out of his lap and returned to her corner, drawing her legs up against her chest.

Joker did exactly as he was told. He downed the rest of the liquid in his glass without even feeling the burn and set the glass on the floor. Kasumi just smiled at him and wiggled her fingers at his departure. It wasn't until he was standing in front of Shepard's cabin did he actually stop and appraise what the shit he was doing. He was not this person. He wasn't like Kasumi…or Tris… Dammit, they were spookily alike; Kasumi slightly more chaotic, Tris the upholder of the law, but otherwise like two pieces of a whole. He'd never even seen it before.

But perhaps it made his friendship with Kasumi a little easier to understand.

The doors to the cabin slid open and Joker peered inside. He hadn't pressed the button. EDI's holographic image was to his left.

"Mr Moreau," EDI said. "I have opened the doors for you as I believe it is best if you assist the Commander to his bed. He has previously asked me to wake him if he was to fall asleep at his console. However, my previous attempts have proved to alarm him. Perhaps you will have better luck."

"Thanks, EDI," Joker said and the avatar disappeared. Shepard was slumped over his extranet console wearing Joker's SR-2 cap. Joker smiled and felt his chest swell. Tris had missed him. He looked at EDI's podium again. "Hey, EDI…"

"Yes, Mr Moreau?"

"Do me a favour and grab a picture of that, would you? He'll never live it down."

There was silence for a moment and Joker folded his arms, watching Tris sleep.

"Would you like me to upload the picture to your console, Mr Moreau?"

The comment was almost offhanded, but he knew EDI didn't do anything casually. It wasn't programmed to. "Yeah…yeah, I do." He crossed the floor and leant against the bulkhead separating the living quarters from the upper area of the cabin. "Hey Tris," he said, louder than he and EDI had been speaking before. "You shouldn't sleep there."

It didn't get much of a reaction. Tris was fast asleep, which just proved how much he needed the rest, regardless of what he kept saying. Joker moved a little closer but out of range of anything other than an instinctive biotic reaction. "Tris. C'mon, you're going to get a hell of a crick in your neck there."

Tris startled awake, sitting bolt upright. His eyes were red, bleary, and he clutched at the hat to stop it falling off his head. He looked up and the smile eased across his expression. "Jeff…"

"Yup, that's my name. Not even sick of hearing it yet. Come on, that's no place to sleep."

Shepard looked at his console, his expression full of curiosity, as though he wasn't sure how he'd gotten there. "I thought you'd be asleep by now," he said.

"Nah, when do I ever sleep? I…" Great, now he had to come up with a reason why he was here. "I came back for my hat. Feel naked without it. Keeps my hair warm."

Tris' hand went up to his head to remove the cap but he stopped short and grinned. "Y'know, I think I'll keep it," he said. He stood and brushed past Joker, stepping down into the living quarters.

"What? Hey, you can't. That's mine!"

Shepard shrugged. "Dunno, I could use a hat. Besides…this one smells like you."

"Like sweat and who knows what else, then? That's just disgusting. Give it back."

Shepard sat down on his side of the bed and keyed a few buttons onto his alarm, shutting off the light music that filtered through his cabin. "I'll think about giving it back in the morning."

"You just want me to show up for shift without my hat, don't you? You'll be standing with Garrus, having a good laugh, I bet. That's not fair – I can't exactly steal something of yours and hold it hostage. Pretty sure there are stipulations against playing pranks on your CO."

"I'm asking you to stay."

"Oh." The sound slipped out before he even had time to register what had been said. Stay. Stay here. Well…that's what he'd planned to do, right? Except when he'd gotten here he hadn't had the courage to do anything about it. Was all prepared to tuck Tris into bed, kiss him on the cheek, and let him get some sleep.

"Catch."

Joker instinctively held his hands out and Shepard's t-shirt landed in his grasp.

"You can keep that in return. If you don't trust me, that is."

"My hat is not the same as your old t-shirt! That's just insulting."

"Yeah, but those Cerberus uniforms are pretty damn uncomfortable to sleep in."

Joker sat on the other side of the bed. Why the hell was he suddenly so damn uncomfortable? This wasn't exactly how he imagined this would go, though. Again.

"You want me to stay."

"You don't want to? Shit, I just…" Shepard moved behind him and Joker flinched at the touch on his shoulder. "This is going to sound stupid, but…can you stay, as a favour? Yeah, that sounds stupid."

He looked over his shoulder. "A favour? Is this like the world's worst pick-up line or something, because I thought I'd already convinced you that you got me."

Shepard laughed. "No, no, not that. Look, I find it really hard to sleep." He wound his arm around Joker's waist and placed a kiss on the back of his neck. "Except when you were here before. I don't even remember falling asleep. And, here, wait…" He brought up a message on his Omni-tool, having to put his other arm around Joker to reach, now pressed flush up against his back. "It sounds stupid but, God, I just didn't want to see this tonight."

Joker flicked through the message and froze. Pain flooded through his nerves as the air seemed to constrict in him. He felt Shepard rest his head against the back of his neck but otherwise it was like being dropped into zero-g and the crushing lack of atmosphere.

"I'm sorry, but you would have gotten the same message eventually."

"They found the Normandy…"

"Yeah. On Alchera. What's left of her is down there."

Images of the Normandy going down assaulted him. Shit, every time they put this behind them, it came right back.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. But if anyone deserves to know, it's you." Shepard closed the message and slipped away. The sheets on the bed shuffled. "You can go back to the crew cabin if you want."

Joker heard him mumble something else but it wasn't at all clear. It shocked him back into the room and he let a small breath trickle past his lips. He looked over his shoulder and saw Shepard laying on his back, staring up at the closed blast screen, the SR-2 cap placed on the bedside table. This wasn't just about his feelings; Tris had to be feeling this too. The Normandy had been their ship but the crew…the crew had been Shepard's. It was one thing to miss a ship, but it was an entirely different thing to feel responsible for the death of that crew.

He leant down and undid his boots, slipping them off. "I dunno how many times I've gotta keep saying it, but you're an idiot," he said. He stripped off his uniform, dropping it in a pile at the end of the bed, and pulled Tris' shirt over his head. It smelled just like him, warm still from his body heat. Maybe he could be talked into taking it hostage in the long term.

"You don't have to withhold bad news just to get me to spend the night, y'know. A simple 'Oh Joker, you're the sexiest man alive and I can't sleep another night without you—' Whoa!" He landed on top of Tris, who just grinned and held him. "Geez, you'll break something! I'm not exactly sturdy, Commander."

"Did you break anything?"

"No…"

"Then assume I know what I'm doing. I can treat things carefully. I'm not all explosions and breaking skulls. Cute boxers."

"I really wish people would stop calling me cute. Sexy. Manly. Tough and manly and stuff. Not cute. I'm not a puppy."

"Is that why you grow the beard?" Shepard asked.

"That's right. I'm so manly that the testosterone has to break out of my skin in the form of hair. You're just jealous because all you've got it this," he said and brushed the small patch of hair just under Shepard's lower lip. "Totally uncool."

"I don't grow it to be cool. I'm already a badass."

"Who doesn't want to sleep alone?" Joker asked, lowering his voice.

"Who doesn't want to sleep without you," Shepard corrected.

"Then consider me yours for the night. One Joker-sized teddy all to yourself." He slid away from Shepard and crawled under the sheet. The room wasn't cold – the ship was maintained to a comfortable 18 degrees Celsius at night – but it certainly wasn't hot enough that the idea of snuggling was off-putting. Shepard latched onto him, pulling him closer. No, snuggling was definitely not bad.

"Anderson wants me to recover what I can from the wreckage…but I think we should give her a proper send off. Y'know? Doesn't seem right her down there, forgotten," Shepard said. Joker could feel his jaw moving against his hair.

"The attack wasn't your fault, Tris. You know that, right?"

Shepard nodded. "I know. There was nothing we could do. But they were my crew. I'll always feel responsible."

"And here I was thinking that no one was responsible. I may as well go back to my own guilt then if we're going to play it that way."

Shepard's hand skirted across his stomach, sliding under the shirt. "I'd prefer if you didn't. There's only so many mental problems we can deal with in here at once. Let me be the screw-up tonight."

Joker smiled. If Tris kept touching him he could have anything he damn well wanted. "Can I call you my screw-up yet? Or would that be weird? I don't really want you sharing your mental problems with the likes of Kelly."

Shepard cringed. "Nice enough girl, just way too damn perky. I think I've scared her off, though. She doesn't seem to bother me about my 'problems' anymore."

"That's because she bothers me," Joker said. "Damn near insisted I go speak with you. Damn…she's going to know I didn't go back to the crew quarters. Ah shit, that's the last thing I need tomorrow!"

Shepard laughed, his voice low, a rumble in his chest. He moved carefully, sliding one leg between Joker's and holding his weight up enough to be safe. "So what are you going to say happened?" he asked.

"Depends if I have to lie. Perhaps I'll tell her we were doing a jigsaw. Yep, awake all night looking for bits of duck and pond." He yelped as Shepard bit a little too hard at his neck, which got him an apologetic look but not much else. He ran his fingers across one of the glowing scars on Shepard's side.

"Still hideous, huh?" Shepard asked.

"No, not at all." He stroked Tris' cheek. When he looked at the scars, he didn't really see them anymore. They'd come to be the identifying marks of what had been returned to him. Not quite the same, not without complications, but definitely for the better. Jeff Moreau of the SR-1 would have never thought that this moment right here could have ever been possible and too bad for him, because Jeff Moreau of the SR-2 deserved this. He shifted slightly and his shoulder clicked. He winced and moved it, experimenting with its range of movement.

"Shit, sorry!" Shepard pulled away. Joker glared at him and held his arm firm around his waist.

"I'm not going to break, Tris."

"I know—Shit, I just don't want to hurt you."

Joker sighed. "You're not going to hurt me." A twinge of what he'd been so annoyed about earlier came back to bite at him; Jack teasing him, Kasumi telling him to come up here, and then seeing Tris asleep and all those thoughts leaving him. He took a deep breath. Tris didn't mean to hurt him, be it his body or his damn feelings. "Dammit, Tris. You're really messing with my head here, y'know? Making a guy feel damn unattractive and unwanted. But don't tell anyone I said that, because that'd be like admitting I had feelings or something."

Tris raised an eyebrow but shook off the comment. "How the hell can I make you feel unwanted? I have you in my bed, half undressed, with my hand up your shirt."

"And why has it taken you this long? And why are we talking when we could be having crazy, oh-boy-is-this-going-to-hurt-tomorrow sex?"

Tris tried to contain his laughter, biting at his lip and the scar there until the flesh went white. "This is your problem?" he blurted out finally and laughed.

"I didn't say you could laugh, though, just because you're not gonna tell anyone later. Geez."

"Ah, Jeff…" Shepard placed a kiss on his forehead, his cheek and finally against his lips. "Yes I'm afraid of hurting you. I'm afraid of hurting anyone."

"Who else d'you wanna have hot, crazy sex with?" he asked. It was hard to keep the petulant tone out of his voice now.

"No one, but I've had some pretty serious gene mods in my life, plus all the shit Cerberus did to me, and it's surprising I don't crush things picking them up. I can hurt you – you of all people. I'm worried that if I get carried away, I'll hurt you. I'm worried that if I forget how fragile you can be, I'll hurt you."

Joker set his jaw and looked away. He didn't want Tris to have to worry about him every two seconds. He didn't want to be a liability or a joke.

Another kiss against the corner of his lips. "Jeff…remember what I was saying about limitations? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Yes, I'm going to worry about hurting you, because you are fragile." Shepard placed his fingers against Joker's cheek and forced him to look up. "But for someone whose body can be so fragile, I need you a damn lot. You make me feel safe. I haven't felt safe in a damn long time."

"Yeah, because if you're ever in trouble I can break my arm at the enemy. They'll be shit-scared and turn tail and run."

"No, but you'll damn well protect me. Perhaps break every bone in your body doing it, but you wouldn't hesitate. And when you're here, nothing seems as bad anymore. Like I can live with myself, because someone wants me, too."

"Of course I want you."

"Then can't you trust that I want you, too? Goddamn…if this was just about sex, don't you think it'd be over and done with by now and you'd be back in the crew quarters and we'd never speak until next time I was horny? I was trying to make you realize that this wasn't what this was about and I make you feel unwanted? I want you here, and I want to do stupid things like watch vids with you, or go to bars, hell, you want a romantic picnic on the Citadel and I'll do it."

Joker wrinkled his nose and shook his head.

"Yeah, me either. But do you get what I'm saying? Yes, I'm afraid of hurting you and I can't help that you have Vrolik's, just as much as you can't help it, but that's not what's stopping me. I want to take this slow. I've had one-night stands and casual relationships before – not big on them. Guess I'm just weird."

"S'okay," Joker slurred. He ran his fingers over Tris' cheek. He didn't really know what to say. Something stuck in his throat and chest, pressing against his diaphragm. A muscle in his cheek twitched and he had to rub at his face to get it to settle. People didn't say things like that to him. He had to fight people, had to argue and push them away. The thought of pulling someone closer and casting down his own shoddily built walls was disconcerting. But here he was. "As long as you're sure it's me you want. Cuz there's some pretty sexy guys on board. Thane, Jacob? Even Garrus has that whole sexy voice thing going for him," he said. His voice still sounded strange; strained.

Shepard smirked. "Wanted you since the moment I saw you. Smug grin, green eyes, lazy drawl and awful, awful jokes. Dunno why I never went after it."

"Kaidan made a good distraction."

"Yeah." But it was obvious from the distant look in Shepard's eyes that he was just as unsure. "I was closer to you, though. I guess I have my own problems that I need to deal with. But I know what I want and most of the time I get it. I know I want you, despite your neuroses."

"Hey, me and my neuroses have had a long, healthy relationship. I won't have you bad-mouthing them like second-rate citizens."

"And now they have to share you with me," Shepard answered. He grinned and laced his fingers with Joker's, his other hand crawling along the waistband of his boxers. "But I believe I promised you a story for Kelly. If you're going to stay, that is…" His hand slipped under the cotton fabric and Joker cursed.

Shit yeah he was going to stay.

Shepard stepped out into the snow. The readouts on his HUD flashed the temperature and his suit brought up the internal temperature to compensate. Alchera was a frozen wasteland. There was nothing here except vast cliffs of ice and snow, the grey sky and the wreckage of the Normandy lying in ruins around him.

It was surreal. Overwhelming. Twisted spires of metal grew out of the snow, lancing towards the sky. The same sky he had fallen through. Shepard trudged through the snow towards the remains, steeling himself for the worst. So many lives – the lives of good men, good soldiers – were lost aboard the Normandy. No one resurrected them. Their families didn't even know what happened to them. He leant against the warped sheet metal as he felt his breath catch in his throat. He thought he'd be able to do this but being here was another thing entirely. Goddamn, he remembered dying, for fuck's sake. That wasn't supposed to happen; the human brain just wasn't able to cope with memories like those.

He saw the set of dog tags glinting in the snow at his feet. His mind's vision flashed to the faces of his old crew and the interior of the Normandy. They'd always been running, hunting, but the time aboard the ship, with his crew and his friends, he wouldn't have traded for anything. If he had to die, he wouldn't want it any other way. His friends were his family. He reached down and grabbed the dog tags out of the snow, reading the name off the ice cold metal. These people's families deserved to know what happened to their loved ones, too.

With the remains of the Normandy scattered across a five hundred metre or so radius, finding everything there was took time. He scoured the area, searching for any signals from data chips or from his scanner. The snow was coming down in sheets and there was no way to tell if what he was looking for was buried under layers of snow, or had followed pieces of charred hull down the nearest crevasse. There was nothing more he could do except return the fist full of dog tags to the Alliance and hope that closure would at least bring some peace to the families of his deceased crew members.

Shepard stored the tags carefully in a compartment in his armour. Closure. Did closure really help? Garrus had gone after Sidonis with every intention of killing him, but it wouldn't have brought his team back. Samara, for the first time in almost half a century, had been freed from her burden, but did closure really ease the loss of her daughter? He hadn't felt any real closure upon attending his parent's funeral. Dressed in a black suit – the first suit he'd ever worn – he'd been ushered into a strange hall and had to listen to someone who hadn't even known his parents speak. He'd listened to the councillors and the representatives and the Marine's who had fought the batarians all with a distance and air of apathy. A funeral didn't make a difference. Didn't make the sort of difference everyone thought it should and everyone felt so sorry for him and all told him that he was brave and he'd put up a wall between himself and everyone in the room until he couldn't hear their voices anymore over the hum between his ears.

He looked up at what remained of the Normandy. The Normandy had permanence. She deserved a burial, too. He marked the spot for the delivery of the monument with his Omni-tool. Perhaps one day people would visit Alchera to see the ship that had turned the tide in the battle for the Citadel but until then it was a monument to the lost and a ship that gave more than they ever asked for. This ship had given him a home. The only home that he had ever known years after leaving the fields of Mindoir. He'd always shipped between stations, posts, ships – packed his seabag and off he went. Saying goodbye to her was saying goodbye to a member of his family, too.

Protected by an alcove he saw the flash of sunlight reflecting off…what? Shepard walked closer and peered into the drift. A helmet. He crouched down and plucked the piece of armour from the snow, icy falling away in sheets.

His helmet.

He dropped it back into the snow, his hands shaking too much to hold the helmet. The busted air valve was visible on the back of the helmet, the front cracked from impact. It was charred, scratched, but this was his helmet. The helmet he had died in.

Bile roiled in his stomach and he clenched forward to stop himself from throwing up. That was the last thing he needed; throwing up in armour was never pleasant. He closed his eyes and tuned out the muffled sounds of the wind whipping around him. He'd been given a second chance at life; a chance to finish what he had started, and a chance to act on the things he'd let slip by, but at what cost? The cost of his freedom? Did Cerberus own him? The cost of his humanity? His friends, his career?

"Commander."

Shepard looked up, almost instinctively, at the sound of Joker's voice, as though he could see him or the SR-2 above him through the atmosphere.

"Come back now. It's cold enough down there to freeze the quad off a krogan. I'll make you a cup of coffee?"

He smiled. He could hear the emotion in Joker's voice. He'd been watching the vid feeds, of course, which was as close as he could get to sending off the Normandy. Shepard wasn't an idiot and could plainly recognize the sound of hurt hidden between the lines of what his pilot was saying. He wanted him back on the SR-2 because they both needed to be reminded what had been returned to them despite all they lost.

He grabbed the helmet and tucked it under his arm. He wasn't sure why. Morbid sentimentality, perhaps. But this was his. It belonged to him.

As soon as he passed through decon he made his way up to the bridge. Kelly smiled at him and he nodded in her direction. Joker stood and dropped his cap on his chair. EDI was visible next to him.

"Good to have you back, Commander," Joker said. A smile stretched across his lips, but his eyes were red.

Shepard stopped a couple steps away. He tossed the helmet onto the pilot's chair next to Joker's cap. "Glad I came back," he said and lifted the faceplate of his current helmet. Joker grinned and leant up to place a brief kiss on the exposed cheek – all he could reach.

"I've got one more stop to make," Shepard said. "It's…not exactly on our schedule."

"Oh? Please tell me it's a planet with something fluffy? Cute, fluffy bunny rabbits."

"Well, they do have bunnies."

"Are you sure about this, Commander?" Joker asked. "You don't actually have to go down there. There's always messages, a call? Strap a note to Grunt's neck and we'll send him down."

Shepard folded his arms. He was staring out at the planet the Normandy was orbiting. "This is something I need to do in person. I'm asking these people to stop using the image of someone they think of as the symbol of their damn community. I doubt they're even going to believe I'm alive unless they see me in person."

"They might not even believe it then. I'm just saying…this isn't something you need to be doing now."

"Yeah, but better to do it now than to let it drag on. The ruling was just passed. If I go now then it will stop further problems in future."

Joker looked out at Mindoir's surface and checked the reading on his consoles. He didn't like the idea of Tris going down there. He'd been quiet enough after returning the recovered dog tags to Anderson on the Citadel. He'd insisted on writing each letter personally to the families of the deceased crew members to explain how important they had been to the safety (however temporary) of the galaxy. But Mindoir had some deep-seated memories attached to it – Tris hadn't even been back to the colony after the Alliance had rescued him after the attack.

"Thanks for coming with me," Tris said and placed his hand on Joker's shoulder.

"Like I'd let you down there by yourself. I know you've got Kasumi and Garrus coming along for the ride but—"

"You're there for emotional support."

Yeah, Joker thought. He couldn't offer much, but this he could do. This and flying them to the planet. He had multiple uses.

Of course, he didn't have armour, but he did have the pistol Tris had given him strapped to his thigh. That and a good talking to by Chakwas on the dangers of going planet-side etched firmly into his mind.

"Pretty, isn't it?" Kasumi asked, leaning over his shoulder as he piloted the shuttle to the planets surface and the dock.

"Yeah. Can see why the colony was re-established."

Otherwise it was silent. Garrus sat next to Shepard, a comforting support, and Kasumi was respectfully quiet. When the shuttle landed and Joker wound down the engines Kasumi pulled up her cloak and disappeared out the doors when they opened.

"I'll keep an eye out," Garrus said to Shepard and slapped him on the shoulder. "Give me a yell if you need me."

Joker looked over his shoulder at Shepard. His gaze was distant and his fingers twitched at the grip of his pistol. "You ready for this?" he asked.

Tris looked up. "Yeah. Yeah, sure. Let's go."

Mindoir was beautiful. Joker pulled the brim of his cap down a little lower to shield his eyes from the harsh sun. Real sun. It was warm against his skin, the fresh breeze brushing against his flesh. He supposed this was probably what Earth – or at least parts of the planet – looked like with thick fields of hay, forests, and a clean atmosphere. He could understand why colonizing planets like this was so important to the Alliance; it was like regaining a small part of what Earth had been like.

"It looks the same," Shepard said. "Like nothing ever happened."

"They've had like fifteen years to rebuild. What happened here would be nothing but words in a text book to some of the kids."

"And it better stay that way," Shepard said and motioned them forward.

Joker stared at his back as he walked ahead. Shepard was wearing full armour and Joker was sure it wasn't entirely out of habit. He was too paranoid, glancing around like he expected a batarian raiding horde to storm out of the forests. Mindoir was idyllic, but he doubted Tris could see that.

"Commander, wait," Joker said and grabbed his wrist. Shepard stopped and looked back. "Before we go deal with business, how about showing me around? It's been a while since you've been here but I really don't get off the ship a lot – I get to feel real sun on my skin even less."

There was hesitation. Joker could almost imagine what was going through Tris' head; fear that he would be attacked, fear that bringing his friends to the planet would result in their deaths and he would lose these friends too. Fear that he was a sixteen-year-old boy again hiding until the Alliance pulled him out.

"They do know we're here," Shepard said and Joker exhaled the breath he'd been holding. "I'm sure they won't mind us looking around."

The main colony site was small, despite being established. Mindoir was mostly populated by farming and agricultural families – farmers needed land. Lots of land. Fields of wheat, corn and vegetables stretched out as far as he could see into the distance. Forest had been cleared to make room for pasture and livestock and the air had a certain smell, like dirt and animal. Joker couldn't even imagine what it would have been like growing up here. Arcturus was all steel and fear of a hull breach, growing up here would have been all about feeding animals, climbing trees and getting dirty.

"Never figured I'd see animals just loping around a field like this," Joker said when they stopped at a paddock. Shepard leant on the fence for a moment before he reached up and removed his helmet. He took a deep breath of the air and closed his eyes.

"Even smells the same."

"Like animal crap?"

Shepard laughed. "Yeah, a bit. That, soil, fertilizer. When you're a kid here you can smell rain, can hear the bugs when it's going to be a hot day. I used to know exactly how long it'd take me to get home, no matter where I was, and could make it back just in time for dinner. Drove my mom crazy."

Joker didn't really care much about the animals in the fields. His attention was on Tris. Seeing his expression soften, the small twitch of a smile as he remembered his childhood was what he really enjoyed seeing. Tris wasn't just Commander Shepard, wasn't just a Marine or a Spectre – he was a human damn well just like any one of them. He'd had a lot of shit happen to him and it wasn't fair just to expect him to cast that aside and get on with the job like some sort of machine.

"As great as it is here, I'm glad I grew up on Arcturus. I think if I'd have been here it would have been even more depressing to have to spend all my time in bed with broken bones."

Shepard pushed away from the railing and Joker knew he'd said something wrong.

"Bet you were a hellion of a kid," Joker added, trying to recover. He gave Shepard a slight shove and grinned at him.

Luckily it worked. Shepard smiled and motioned him forward. "A bit," he said. "I didn't break the rules or anything. I was just an active kid. I liked reading and helping my parents in the labs. Even school was alright. But there's a lot of room here to run and get into trouble." He laughed. "There was this one time my friends and I let all the chickens out of one of the coops. It was a pretty horrible thing to do in all reality considering the ecosystem back then was fairly tentative and so much of the livestock kept dying but you don't think about things like that when you're twelve and bored."

"And here I was building tiny model ships." Joker rubbed at his thigh and winced. Walking around on dirt and stone was a lot different to the flat, steel decks of a ship or station.

"You okay? Wait…just over there. We can sit down."

"I'm alright. I haven't even fallen on my ass yet."

Shepard didn't take no for an answer and truthfully Joker wasn't too unhappy when he sat on the grass in the shade of a tree. This was way more exercise than he was used to on anything other than a rat wheel. Shepard sat next to him, resting his helmet in the grass and then flopped onto his back, staring up at the sky through the leaves of the tree. Joker smirked and lay down next to him, close enough that he could feel Shepard's armour pressing against his side.

"Guess it was pretty unnecessary to come decked out in complete armour," Shepard said after a moment of silence. His gloved fingers idly stroked Joker's palm.

"A touch, but not entirely ridiculous. People do enjoy shooting at you. The merc who wounds you probably gets a shiny ribbon or something as a prize."

"Yeah but now I'm assaulted with all these thoughts of pushing you into the grass and letting you get a little better acquainted with Mindoir soil," Shepard said. He leant up on his elbow, a lazy grin warming his face.

"Eh, with Garrus staring at us through his scope and Kasumi probably up in the bloody tree? No thanks. I'm not really the exhibitionist sort." Joker smirked when he saw a shimmer of Kasumi's shields above them on a thick branch of the tree.

"And how did you know? Though if you really want to have some make out time, I can make myself a little scarcer," Kasumi said.

"I have to know where you are these days," Joker said. "I live in constant bloody fear that you're right behind me when I pee."

"I have no interest in seeing that," Kasumi said. She dropped to the ground near them and turned to sit on the grass in a fluid motion. "Shep said I should stay close by, though. I was fully intent on sitting up here and ignoring you and any suspicious sounds I may hear but you went and called me out."

"…how'd you know she was there, anyway?" Shepard asked.

Joker paused. "Wild guess," he lied. He had smelled Kasumi. That same smell of spices and flowers that was completely foreign to the Mindoir atmosphere.

Kasumi fell backwards into the grass to join them. "It's really pretty here, Shep."

"Yeah. I'm glad they rebuilt it."

Joker squeezed his hand and Shepard smiled at him.

"And you've never come back here. Seems like a good place to get away from everything. Almost like a holiday. Bet even you could hide here and not be found."

"Dying kind of puts things back into perspective," Shepard said. His Omni-tool beeped as a message filtered over his comms. He raised his hand briefly and his fingers brushed over the screen in reply.

"Glad to know I can join you all," Garrus said and sat down after strolling across the field. "I figured if Kasumi was here, then I wasn't about to continue hiding. Can't be much scandal going on."

"Oh Garrus, don't pretend you wouldn't watch down the scope."

"Please, Shepard, I'm not into aliens anymore than you are."

"Hey, who told you that? You're pretty hot, Garrus."

Garrus and Kasumi both laughed. "I wouldn't say that with Joker right here, Shep. He'll get jealous!" Kasumi said.

"I know I can't beat Garrus," Joker said. "If Shepard's into turians I can't even compete." But he felt Shepard's fingers tighten around his hand.

It was strange, Joker thought. To be here on Mindoir, lying in the grass next to Shepard with Kasumi and Garrus with them, laughing and teasing each other. He really wasn't a personable sort of guy, he liked personal space, but this…this didn't feel intrusive. This felt good. The warmth of Tris' gloved hand, the sun, the breeze and the sound of laughter. If there was a better way to spend the afternoon he honestly couldn't think of it. Hell, he even felt kind of sorry for the rest of the crew stuck on the Normandy and he never thought that being on the ship was the worse option. He loved his damn ship.

If anyone asked him later what they talked about, he wouldn't have been able to remember. It was nothing in particular. Shepard told them stories about growing up on Mindoir, about farming and the animals that were introduced into the ecosystem, and Garrus spoke about Palaven and his family. Kasumi was quiet but she held her stories closer than most. But Shepard enjoyed talking about Mindoir and his family and his pets, silent about anything to do with the batarian raid, but happily reminiscing about anything and everything else.

Joker looked at Tris, who was leaning up on his elbow again and talking to Garrus. He seemed relaxed now, his expression light, carefree. Joker smirked and leant up, pressing a kiss to Shepard's lips.

Garrus laughed low in his throat and he thought he heard Kasumi make a noise very akin to a squeal of delight.

"Hey, he's mine, so I can kiss him if I want," Joker said. He wasn't that sort of guy, public displays of affection kind of freaked him out, but here he was feeling stupid and almost giddy, if that didn't sound so damn stupid, at how happy and content he was. Even if everything went to shit, this was something he was going to remember. Mindoir, with his friends, with Tris, relaxing in the sunshine and forgetting for at least the time being that the Collectors and the Reapers even existed.

That was worth fighting for. That was worth keeping.

"They'll probably be wondering what happened to us," Garrus said. "Not that I mind taking some down time. I think we deserve it."

"Suppose we should get back," Kasumi said.

Shepard stood and stretched. He leant down and held his hand out to Joker.

"What are you going to do about the whole Mindoir seal thing?" Joker asked. He didn't even object to Shepard helping him up. He didn't even think anything of it.

Silence for a moment.

"Let 'em keep it," Shepard said. "If they wanna use my face to promote this colony, then they should go ahead. I thought I didn't want it cuz of what happened but…maybe that is the spirit of Mindoir. Not my spirit, just…this. You guys. Rebuilding, moving on." He put his arm around Joker's and Kasumi's shoulders. "So whatever. Good luck to them."

Garrus grabbed Shepard's helmet off the ground. "I suppose it's a good story if nothing else. Don't know if I would want my face on a turian seal."

"Ah hell, Garrus, no one wants to see your face on a colony seal," Shepard said.