Chapter 25: Smile

"Oh, Michael, before you go, I wanted to let you know you have another doctor's appointment tomorrow."

"Tomorrow? Mike asked, a touch surprised at how quickly it had been scheduled.

"Well, I actually made the appointment yesterday, but when you got home from school you looked pretty tired and I didn't want to bother you." She answered.

"Oh, well, thanks I guess. Me and Lucy have gotta get going or we're gonna be late." Mike responded.

"Okay, bye honey." His mom said walking over and kissing him on the cheek.

"Bye, mom."

Mike opened the front door and held it for Lucy. As she stepped outside, he followed. He dearly wanted to stay home, since the thought of facing the school and all of the people who had witnessed his discommodious act the day prior was not a very attractive prospect, but he knew it would make no difference. Even if he somehow managed, by some miracle, to take off more than one day, he wouldn't be able to keep it up forever. He eventually needed to go to school and face his fears, to get the worst of the shame and heckling out of the way.

As he closed the door behind him, he could feel a nervous sensation lurking in his chest. For some reason he always felt as though once he closed that door there was no turning back. As if the fact it was locked would make it impossible for him to knock or yell if something happened. His ridiculous feelings were further made unreasonable since his mother and sister would be leaving the house on their own accord anyway. He couldn't explain it, but it didn't really matter why. All he knew was that his heart was pumping while one section of his consciousness screamed for him to give in and tell his mom he felt sick so he could stay home. Surely she would understand, and it's not like Lucy would blame him.

But of course, the more rational side, the side that had guided him against the air of temptation and molded him into the hardworking, intellectual he was, won out. He heard the door click shut and he felt his heart jump, then slowly he calmed down. Of course, all of this was subtle and unbeknownst to anyone other than him. As he turned away from the door, that previous nervous energy that he had assumed to have left turned into a creeping nausea. He was by no means on the edge of vomiting, but it was enough to make him feel legitimately sick now. Of course his worry of the nausea growing worse seemed to cause him only more nervous energy.

Both he and Lucy made their way to school as Mike pondered on the irony that was his anxiety and nausea. While Mike did that, Lucy was distracted by other thoughts, or rather memories. She thought back to their night together. For the most part, it had been boring, but somehow that didn't seem to bother her. After they had napped, they woke up to dinner, and then sat around playing an old video game for the rest of the night. Lucy didn't mind it, since she not only got to spend time with Mike where they weren't at each other throats (with the exception of a few heated moments of game play), but she also got to sleep with him.

She knew it was more than a little immature to run that thought through her head, the one that she had 'slept with him', but she couldn't help it. There was something about it that made the stress and exhaustion drain out her body. Of course words and labels meant less than what actually happened, and what she actually felt. The warmth, the comfort, the security… the happiness, the moments she spent in bed, merely inches away from his body, going into a state of consciousness that was far more vulnerable than any other. Mike had more control over her than he realized, both literally and figuratively, both physically and mentally.

Upon arriving at the school, they both entered the grounds, and soon, the main building. Mike kept his head down, doing his best not to look anyone in the eye. He didn't know if people were staring at him, and he was too afraid to ask Lucy, but he felt like he could feel their eyes looking at him, looking through him, as if their eyes could see everything he had kept secret and hidden from the world. The eyes of judgment fed upon his self-esteem and his sense of self. Mike didn't want to be sad anymore, and he was tired of suffering, but his confidence to maintain a positive outlook seemed to fade away with his confidence in himself.

Lucy could tell Mike was in distress, and she desperately wanted to comfort him, but she didn't know how. She thought about putting her arm around him, holding his hand, saying something supportive, but she couldn't seem to muster up a good approach to any of her ideas. So she just walked in silence with him, an uncomfortable feeling growing within her. When they began to near Mike's first period class, she couldn't help but look over to see his face. She expected it to be the same face she had seen when she had last looked at him; a face of shame and embarrassment, but it wasn't that. He was smiling. Lucy was caught off guard by this. Surely he wasn't happy. Soon enough though, Lucy realized this wasn't Mike's normal smile. There was something oddly accepting about it.

His smile, combined with his soft expression, looked almost condescending, while simultaneously devoid of all superiority. Like he knew a secret, a truth of the universe, one that he couldn't share and it was up to everyone else to figure out. Lucy didn't like his expression, not one bit. As a matter of fact, it filled her with fear. She could feel her heart drop upon seeing it, upon seeing the depression and delusion dancing in his eyes. She felt like she was losing Mike, like he was slipping away.

"Mike…?" Lucy asked aloud, coming to a slow stop and facing him.

"Yeah?" Mike responded with a quiet and soft tone. It seemed strikingly understanding and soothing, if anything, it seemed too much so.

"Are you okay?" Lucy asked, fear in her voice.

"Yeah, I'm alright." Mike responded, eye brows furling. "Is something the matter?"

"No, it's… it's nothing." Lucy responded.

She didn't know what to say. At first, she questioned the smile, and considered maybe she was overreacting, maybe it was just his way of dealing with all the stress, but she knew him better than that. Something was wrong, and she didn't even have the time to figure out what. She couldn't figure how he was feeling, or why. Lucy fought back tears as she and Mike began walking again. Fighting back tears, something she was far too used to.

"Okay, we're here." Mike said stopping in front of the door that led to his first period.

"'Kay, I'm going to head to my class now." Lucy answered looking at him with a smile. There was a brief moment of silence where they simply looked into each other's eyes. Mike took a step forward and hugged Lucy. The hug was quick, but unexpected. There was also something else about it. It didn't feel like a quick hug, something you would give to someone casually. It may have looked like that, and lasted as just long, but she could feel his embrace. He clung on to her, he pulled her close, and he didn't want to let go. She could feel his hands slide off of her back slowly when they separated. But even after the hug, when they looked into each other's face one more time, that smile was still there, and it still scared her.

She feared what he would do and of what he was capable of. After all, less than twenty-four hours ago he had hinted at committing suicide. She had been considering it for years and never once threatened it or brought it to light, so she knew how big of a deal it really was. She watched as Mike entered the classroom, the door closing behind him. She felt tears forming in the corners of her eye lids as she struggled desperately to keep her emotions in check as she made her way to her class.