AN: You aren't imagining things. This is a real, honest to goodness update. I make no promises for when the next one will be, but having E-prom and reading the first chapter of Eclipse has really inspired me. So, the Twilight muse hit and you all get another chapter. I only hope it lives up to expectations. I've been worried about this scene for a long time now, given how sensual I feel it is. I certainly hope no one is offended by my take on this scene.

I have a whole host of people to thank. Pel, first and for most, for being the one who helped me tap back into the "Edward voice" as I refer to it. She called me out on a fair number of things that I had done wrong. Pel, the Carlisle moment is for you. SillyBella and Be My Escape for letting me argue with them about semi-colons and the use of "would" vrs "could." And Hellish Red Devil for giving up her Mother's Day to whip this out to the masses. You all rox!

And deep, heart felt thanks to Stephenie Meyer who allows us all to play in her fandom. She really is the genius behind it all.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

I spent the next few moments simply staring out into the forest. I wanted more than anything to stare at her, to hold onto her gaze and let myself succumb to the love I felt for and from her in that moment. But I couldn't. I was too worried the intensity of my emotions would frighten her away.

"Why…?"

Her voice was hesitant. She probably wanted to know why, after admitting my love, I couldn't even look at her.

"Yes?" I said, purposefully looking back at her with a smile.

"Tell my why you ran from me before."

That wasn't what I had expected. "You know why."

"No, I mean, exactly what did I do wrong? I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn't do. This, for example," and she brushed her hand gently over the back of mine, "seems to be all right."

Her touch, so innocent, made my body feel so alive. "You didn't do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault."

"But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you."

"Well…" It was almost laughable to think that this would ever not be hard. I hoped that it would grow easier the more desensitized I would become to her scent. But the moment she was referring to and my reaction to her wasn't just because of the way she smelled to me. "It was just how close you were," I explained. "Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness…I wasn't expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your throat." I hadn't meant to say that. I looked into her dark eyes penitently, surprised to see her looking back at me, not in repulsion, but in understanding.

"Okay, then," she said rather casually, tucking her chin down to hide her slender neck. "No throat exposure."

A laugh spilled out of me. As if that one small change would stop me from wanting her blood. "No, really, it was more the surprise than anything else."

I don't know why I suddenly felt I could manage it, but I bravely raised my hand and placed it ever so gently along the side of her neck. I was instantly aware of how much warmer her neck was than her hands. How much stronger I could feel and hear her pulse. The vitality of her blood, the very essence of life. How easy it would be to pull her forward, replace my hand with my mouth, and drink.

I was also more aware of how soft she felt, and in spite of the fact that I knew how careful I would have to be, I couldn't help but want more. The pout of her lips. The longing in her eyes. The blush that now rose to her face as my eyes held fast to hers. She defined beauty, and I loved her all the more for trusting me with this much.

"You see," I reassured. "Perfectly fine." I was far from fine, but she didn't need to know that. I wanted more. So much more. More than her blood. More than the need to quench my unnatural thirst. I wanted her.

Her pulse thrummed quickly through her veins, picking up speed the longer my hand remained on her neck. The color on her cheeks deepened and there was a subtle change in her scent. As aroused as my hunger was for her, the passion blooming between us was even stronger. I could feel it, and there was no chance of ignoring it.

"The blush on your cheeks is lovely," I murmured simply, and I realized that words were fast becoming inadequate to express how she made me feel.

I wondered if I could ever express to her how much I cared for her – how much I loved her. Human expression of love was outward and visible with affectionate touches and kisses. Would those things ever be possible for us? I wished with all my might that I was human and I could freely demonstrate that form of affection to her. But her blood would always be an issue for me. If only there were a way to become more accustomed to it – more desensitized. The thought almost made me laugh, for I knew it was impossible. But still, I had to wonder.

I let go of her hands and carefully brushed her cheek, reveling in her warmth and the hope I saw in her expressive eyes. If there was ever to be a chance at loving her, at being with her without thinking of how tempting her blood was, I would have to force myself to do the very thing I found so impossible. If I wanted to be close to her, then I would have to be close to her. I would have to let myself feel her, touch her, smell her. It was a great risk; I knew that much for certain - and it was selfish of me to ask her to be so reckless with her life, but I couldn't help it. I wanted this more than anything I'd ever wanted before. Now, to see if she would let me touch her.

I held her beautiful face between my hands and whispered, "Be very still."

I locked my gaze with hers, keeping watch for any sign of fear or regret or revulsion, and leaned forward. If she didn't want this, I would stop. It would be torture, but I would manage it for her sake. What I saw in her eyes was more startling to me than I had anticipated. I saw love. I saw desire. I saw trust. Before I lost my nerve, I lowered my cheek to rest against her throat just under her chin.

Heat. Pulsing. Blood. Life.

Bella.

The very essence of her humanity thrummed loudly in her chest. Her scent washed over me, over-powering me, making me feel dizzy, and not just from the thirst even though that was the most powerful pull I was feeling. The burning feeling spread through my body, filling me with a familiar, aching need.

Wanting to feel more of her skin, I slid my hands down the side of her neck, taking in the rapid pulse of her blood pounding away at her jugular. Her body tensed suddenly, and I was concerned that I was applying too much pressure, but I didn't stop. I couldn't just leave my hands on her neck. It would be too much of an unwanted temptation. My hands came to rest on her bare shoulders. Her heart rate increased, and her breathing hitched.

There was no way to describe the potency of her scent. It was powerful, intoxicating, and I couldn't resist skimming my nose along her collarbone. I breathed her in, feeling the rush and the thrill of having her so close. Her heart hammered away just under her skin. I turned my head and rested there, memorizing the sound and rhythm of her heart.

A sigh of pure ecstasy escaped me.

It was delightful and frightening at the same time. To have her heart just a fraction away from me – to hear it working – to feel the blood coursing through her veins was what frightened me. It would be so easy, too easy, to take what I wanted – to satisfy my thirst. And at the same time I realized that I'd placed her in a very intimate position. That was delightful, as was the way her breasts rose and fell with each passing breath.

Sooner than I had expected, her heart rate slowed to a more normal pattern, as did her breathing. She was growing used to me – maybe even comfortable. I couldn't very well say I was used to her yet. I doubted that would ever be possible. But I certainly wasn't going to drink from her. I couldn't. I would hate myself forever. Not because she didn't deserve that kind of ending, but because I couldn't bear to think of existing without her. Being this close to her only made me want to keep her with me forever. I knew I would always be drawn to her blood, but there were other aspects of her that I was drawn to as well. It surprised me that I had reached this point after holding her for such a short time.

I loved her. I loved her with all my heart, cold as it was. And I took great pleasure in the feel and sound of her heart beating away, sending warmth though her body and radiating out onto my skin. Bella's warmth could melt any man's heart, and yet I was the lucky one to experience it. Having been this close to her, having held her in this way, I couldn't imagine ever being away from her again.

Something clicked in my mind and I understood fully what it was to love without measure. I appreciated what it was that made Emmett spoil Rosalie senseless. I knew why Jasper gave up his own lifestyle just because it was what Alice had wanted. I realized why Carlisle never spent more than twenty-four hours away from Esme. In that moment, I fully transformed into the hopeless romantic I'd always been accused of being. More importantly, I found peace with my love for Bella.

Breathing in her fragrance once more, I slowly released her and moved back to look into her wide eyes. She blinked once, that slightly dazed expression still alight on her face.

"It won't be so hard again," I assured her.

"Was that very hard for you?"

"Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be." Which was the truth. I imagined I would want to drain her blood if ever I were allowed that close to her, and yet all I could do was love her more and more. "And you?"

"No, it wasn't bad…for me." She turned pink.

I smiled automatically. "You know what I mean."

She smiled back at me, but shied away with her eyes.

"Here." I took Bella's hand and rested it against my stone cheek. "Do you feel how warm it is?"

She blinked again, more dazed than ever, and I could feel her body tense and stiffen. Her heart began to race again, but her eyes held fast to mine. If only I could hear her mind I would know if I had made a mistake. Was my skin too hard to her touch? Was I still too cold under her heated palm? Did it only drive home for her how very different we were? I could only guess. And then she made the most surprising request of me.

"Don't move," she whispered.

I wasn't sure why she asked it, but I did as she bid. I closed my eyes and waited for whatever was to come.

Her hand moved over my face, delicately, carefully, as if I were the one who would break at any moment. I didn't have time to dwell on the irony, for her finger tips distracted my thoughts as she gently brushed over my eyelid and down around my eyes to the hollow beneath. I purposefully held my breath as she traced my nose, not fully trusting myself with her precious scent while she explored my facial features. It might have worked had she not continued down to my mouth, but her fingers dangerously slid along my lips. I couldn't help but open them and exhale the breath I had been holding. I could almost taste her skin, and for the first time in my life, I found myself on the edge of a precipice ready to jump in head first.

I wanted her. More than I'd ever wanted anything in my whole life, human or vampire. And it wasn't her blood that was calling to me at this particular instant, making my body react in this oh-so-foreign and yet pleasurable way. I'd felt it once before with her – I'd felt these stirrings in the pit of my belly, but it had never been this strong or demanding. It was so confusing to want her in this way when I wanted her in other ways.

Her hands dropped away and I granted myself the chance to look upon her face, hoping to see the same desire that I felt at this very moment reflected in her eyes. To my joy and complete and utter rapture, I found exactly what I wanted.

Having never experienced anything remotely similar to this, my mind had a difficult time absorbing this new concept of want. And I fought with all my might to keep my body in check.

"I wish," I whispered, "I wish you could feel the…complexity…the confusion…I feel. That you could understand."

Her hair rippled softly in the breeze, sending a strand in front of her face. For the first time, I didn't hesitate to brush it away so I could have an unobstructed view of her heavenly face.

"Tell me," she breathed.

"I don't think I can," I said honestly, for I was having difficulty explaining it to myself.
"I've told you, on the one hand, the hunger—the thirst—that, deplorable creature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent. Though," I sighed, "as you are not addicted to any illegal substances, you probably can't empathize completely.

"But…" I looked at her face and was instantly drawn to her mouth. So delicate, so soft, so feminine. I remembered just days ago thinking how wonderful it would be to actually kiss her. That desire hadn't faded, and now I knew it would never fade. It was something I desired more than anything at this moment. And yet, I couldn't. Not yet. I would have to be satisfied with only a fraction of a touch. Thus, my fingers traced the line of her lips, just as she had done to me earlier. "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."

"I may understand that better than you think." She blushed, which sent my heart soaring.

"I'm not used to feeling so human." It was the gentlest way I could explain the desire I currently felt, for up until now, I'd never felt anything like this as a vampire, so it had to be a human reaction. "Is it always like this?"

"For me?" She paused, and I held my breath in worry that I'd opened the door to hear all about the men who had touched her heart before me. To my great relief, she said, "No, never. Never before this."

I clasped her hands between mine, covering them completely in my own personal metaphor for how I desired to cover her whole body with mine. It was such an impossibility that I almost laughed out loud at the very idea. "I don't know how to be close to you," I admitted. "I don't know if I can."

Holding my gaze, Bella leaned forward ever so slightly. I could almost hear the warning in the way her eyes looked up at me. And then, to my utter amazement, she rested her head lovingly against my chest. My breath caught and I momentarily lost focus on anything outside of Bella and the way her body felt against mine.

"This is enough," she sighed.

Whatever human instinct was left in my immortal soul kicked in as I carefully wrapped my arms around the precious woman resting against me. I didn't want to hold her too tightly, but I applied enough pressure that I held her in place, signaling how very much I wanted to never let her go. My eyes drifted shut, and I let my face drop until it came to rest on top of her silken hair. In any other romance story, my next move would be to kiss her and pronounce my intention to always love her. But this was no ordinary romance, in spite of my desire to follow through with the impulse.

"You're better at this than you give yourself credit for," she breathed.

"I have human instincts—they may be buried deep, but they're there." I reveled in those forgotten instincts and silently prayed that I would be able to find more of them within me.

I'm not sure how long we sat there like that. The perplexing, joyous, and still confusing emotions persisted. Yet I took great delight in the feel of her heart pounding away against my own chest. I didn't want to move. I didn't want this moment to end. Having been taunted by the way time moved so slowly in the mundane world for a vampire, I found it entirely too cruel that I wouldn't be able to stay in this moment much longer. More than the setting sun, I could tell from the way Bella's body shifted and tensed slightly that the time to leave had arrived. She exhaled slowly, having reached the same realization.

"You have to go," I mumbled into her hair.

"I thought you couldn't read my mind."

I smiled at her tease. "It's getting clearer."

It would take us hours to get back to the car if we walked at Bella's normal, human pace. If I was to get her home in enough time so that her father wouldn't worry, we would have to travel in a faster manner. My way of travel was infinitely quicker and much more exhilarating. Taking her shoulders, I gently moved her so I could look down at her face.

"Can I show you something?" I asked, not even trying to hide the excitement I felt.

"Show me what?"

"I'll show you how I travel in the forest." She grimaced at me. "Don't worry, you'll be very safe, and we'll get to your truck much faster." Not that the truck would get us home in any short order. I could have her back at her house in a matter of minutes if we didn't have to bother with her antique truck. I smiled at the thought.

She squinted up at me. "Will you turn into a bat?"

A laugh burst out of me. "Like I haven't heard that one before!"

"Right, I'm sure you get that all the time."

"Come on, little coward, climb on my back."

She hesitated, frowning at me as if I'd gone insane for a moment. Maybe I had, but I was in too deep now to turn back. I held out my hand for her, pulling her up and carefully slinging her onto my back. Her heart raced, but I wasn't sure if it was from the anticipation of the run or the fact that she was draped over my body in such an unusual way. Her legs instantly wrapped around my waist; out of fear, I guessed. As if I would drop her!

"I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack," she stated apologetically.

"Hah!" I laughed. I could barely feel her weight. It was more the fact that she was so close to me that worried me, not being held down by her weight. But it didn't matter. None of it mattered. I could walk on air at this moment.

It amazed me how confident I had become about having her close to me. Just this morning I feared for what I might to do her if she were to be this close. And yet now, all I could think about was being even closer to her. I took her hand and pressed the palm to my face. Breathing in her scent I muttered, "Easier all the time."

I ran through the woods with all the joy I felt. My feet pressing into the solid earth with such lightness as I'd never experienced before. I'd conquered so many obstacles along the way to find this comfort with Bella that the trees passing by me now were nothing in comparison. It wasn't much of a challenge anyway, considering what I was now able to accomplish. Given the peace I currently felt as I ran at top speed with Bella perched safely on my back, I wondered at the possibilities. More precisely, I contemplated the one thing I had been wanting to do for so long now – kissing her. It was unfathomable that I was even considering trying it, but I figured if I didn't try it now I might not have the courage to later.

I passed the last bend along the trail and came to a halt just a short distance from the road. "Exhilarating, isn't it?" I stated, both about the run and the fact that I'd decided to try to kiss her.

I paused and waited for Bella to climb down. When she didn't move, I twisted my neck to better see her. "Bella?" I asked anxiously.

"I think I need to lie down." Her voice was weak and raspy.

I hadn't considered that my running might have scared her. "Oh, sorry," I replied, but she still didn't budge.

"I think I need help," she said reluctantly.

I chuckled at her, hoping that she would relax and laugh along with me, but to no avail. If anything, her grip around my body tightened. I gently took her arms and pried them from the vice grip she had on my neck. Being careful not to squeeze too hard, I pulled her around to my front, stealing a moment to hold her in my arms once more. She was so small, so delicate, and the wooziness I saw on her face combined with her pale coloring broke my heart.

"How do you feel?" I asked, gently lowering her feet down to the solid ground.

"Dizzy, I think," she said slipping down to sit on the grass.

That wasn't anything out of the ordinary for Bella. Still, it pained me that I had been the cause of her illness, and not for anything romantic either. I told her she should put her head between her knees, which she did for a while. Her breathing was slow and steady, as was her heart rate. Feeling guilty for bringing this upon her, I sat down beside her and waited for her to scold me, as I deserved.

"I guess that wasn't the best idea," I concluded apologetically.

"No, it was very interesting."

She was trying to appease me, that much was clear, and she made me laugh for it. "Hah! You're as white as a ghost—no, you're as white as me!"

"I think I should have closed my eyes."

"Remember that next time."

"Next time!" she moaned.

She might not have realized it yet, but there would be a next time. I had come to a point where I knew now that I could manage to be around her. In fact, I was too delighted by my newfound peace to even think about staying away from her now. And I highly doubted that she would want to stay away from me, either, given her reactions when we were in the meadow. I chuckled at her again.

"Show off," she muttered.

I leaned closer to her, bringing my face very near hers. Her lips were but a fraction of an inch from mine. It was wrong of me to be so selfish that I wanted to kiss her now. I'd just put the poor girl through what seemed to her to be a horrific experience, and yet here I was, ready to kiss her regardless of that fact. Still, the opportunity was too perfect to ignore. "Open your eyes, Bella."

Her eyes fluttered open and she stared deeply back at me with her rich, brown eyes. How I ever managed to end up winning the love of this divine angel was a marvel to me.

"I was thinking, while I was running…" I took a deep breath, pausing to consider my word choice. I'd been thinking about this a lot longer than just during the run, but it was only now that I thought I could manage it.

"About not hitting the trees, I hope," Bella quipped.

"Silly Bella," I chuckled. "Running is second nature to me, it's not something I have to think about."

"Show off," she repeated under her breath.

She couldn't be that angry at me, for she still had her dry sense of humor. I loved her for that. I loved her more than I could explain, and now was my chance to try to show her… in the most human way I knew how. But I would let her reaction tell me how to proceed. I decided that I would hold her face in my hands. If she seemed afraid or appeared worried in any way, then I would only kiss her jaw and neck. But if I saw an indication that she wanted more than that – if she leaned toward me even in the slightest amount - then I would kiss her on her lips.

"No," I continued, "I was thinking there was something I wanted to try."

Gently, carefully, I placed my hands along the sides of her warm, flushed, beautiful face. I looked into her eyes and noted that she wasn't breathing properly. In fact, she wasn't breathing at all. Was that fear? I nearly pulled away, but Bella's mouth parted slightly… and then her chin jutted forward. It was the smallest of movements, probably imperceptible to the human eye, but it was the exact sign I was waiting for. Her mouth was so close to mine that I would have felt the warm air leaving her body were she breathing.

Then I realized that if I did kiss her, I would most likely taste that warm air. I knew that kissing her would mean tasting her lips, but I hadn't fully considered tasting her breath. I would have to be very careful and not allow myself too much, for I wasn't so foolish to assume I would be satisfied with only a mere taste of her breath. It would tempt me to want to taste… more than just that.

Having no experience with romantic kissing, I grew suddenly nervous about how it was properly done. I'd never even wanted to kiss someone while I was human, so I couldn't rely on my distant human memories for what it was suppose to feel like. And in my immortal life, though the opportunity had presented itself a few times, I'd never found it to be desirable. Movies and books were good for the imagination, but I was fast learning that they were mostly wrong about what true love really was.

All I had to go on was what I witnessed in my own family. Not that I purposefully paid that much attention to the romance between the couples in my family, but sometimes it was very difficult to miss. And after all, I was telepathic. It wasn't as if I could just tune everything out at will. But I remembered with perfect clarity the first time Carlisle kissed his beloved Esme. After all the time they spent together. After all the misunderstandings they worked through. After they had admitted how deep their love was for one another, the simple and yet significant moment he tilted his face so that his lips could touch hers left a profound impact on me. I remembered feeling as if my unobserved presence was unwelcome in such a pure moment that I had to leave the house to give them their full privacy.

I wanted my first kiss to be like that. More specifically, I wanted my first kiss with Bella to be like that.

I could do this. I wanted to do this. Bella wanted me to do this. My body begged me to at least try.

With caution and extreme delicacy, I pressed my lips against her soft, full mouth.

Pleasure lanced through me in that instant, consuming me. Nothing – no book or film – no tortured conversations with my brothers - not even my own imagination had adequately prepared me for what I felt in that moment. My mind went blank for a second until I could fully comprehend what was happening. Bella's heart rate sky rocketed, sending the blood pumping rapidly through her veins, warming her and drawing me in. It was as if her mouth had caught fire and I couldn't escape the intensity of it.

And then she breathed. She gasped, opening her mouth and inhaling deeply. My mouth was still pressed to hers, but I didn't dare respond in kind. It would be the death of her if I did. And so, I froze. I willed my body to be as still as stone while Bella kissed me and grabbed at my hair. Were I mortal, I would have kissed her as deeply and with as much conviction as she was kissing me, but that was simply out of the question.

Gently, yet with determination, I reluctantly pushed her face away from mine, keeping her at just a millimeter's distance. Her eyes drifted open, a dreamy, unexpected look covering her face.

"Oops," she breathed.

"That's an understatement."

I could taste her on my lips. Her. Bella. Her breath – her warmth – her very life force. And I wanted more. But again, I didn't dare push my limits. I was fortunate to have had enough control of myself to touch her as intimately as I just had. It was more than I ever dared to dream. Why risk it now? Why risk her life yet again when she'd already given me so very much?

"Should I…?" She shifted against me, trying to unwrap herself from our tangled position.

I didn't want her to move. I only wanted to stay like this for a moment longer, close to her, with the lingering taste of her mouth still fresh on my lips.

"No, it's tolerable," I assured her, holding her still. "Wait for a moment, please."

Slowly, time passed and the fire I felt rising between us began to fade. She watched me closely, and I wished beyond all wishes that I could know what she was thinking. What had she really thought of the kiss? Were my lips too much like marble? Too cold? Or had it been for her what it was for me? Pure, unbridled ecstasy.

I decided her feelings must have echoed mine to some degree, given her response. It was a very human reaction. That fact alone thrilled me to my very core.

"There," I said once the fire had passed completely.

"Tolerable?" she asked.

I couldn't hold in my laugh. "I'm stronger than I thought. It's nice to know."

"I wish I could say the same. I'm sorry."

"You are only human, after all."

"Thanks so much," she grimaced.

I stood and reached out for her. Her eyes were wide as she looked up at me, and when she took my hand, there was a hesitancy there that made me wonder. Of course, I would always wonder about this creature whose mind was so inaccessible.

Suddenly, she teetered slightly, almost losing her balance. "Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?" I teased with a shocking amount of light-heartedness.

"I can't be sure, I'm still woozy. I think it's some of both, though." Her honesty both surprised and delighted me. She had enjoyed the kiss. How thrilling.

"Maybe you should let me drive," I offered.

"Are you insane?" she protested.

"I can drive better than you on your best day," I grinned. "You have much slower reflexes."

"I'm sure that's true, but I don't think my nerves, or my truck, could take it."

"Some trust, please, Bella."

She slipped her hand in her pocket and deliberated over her choice. I wish I could say her decision surprised me, but it didn't. Bella didn't like being dependent on anyone for anything.

"Nope. Not a chance," she said with a shake of her hand.

I raised my eyebrows in a wordless reply.

She took only step to go around me and nearly fell to the ground. I easily caught her in my embrace and held her snugly around her waist. I wondered if she could even pass a standardized driving test at that moment. If the police caught her, she would most likely be accused of driving under the influence. She'd probably drive off the road if I didn't stop her.

"Bella, I've already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can't even walk straight. Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk." The old adage brought a chuckle.

"Drunk?" she objected.

"You're intoxicated by my very presence." We always had that kind of an effect on humans, but to know I could bring this out in Bella was quite stimulating.

"I can't argue with that," she admitted to my eternal pleasure. She held up the key and quickly dropped it. I caught it without ever taking my eyes off of her. "Take it easy—my truck is a senior citizen."

"Very sensible," I approved.

"And are you not affected at all?" she asked, sounding irritated. "By my presence?"

She had no idea. Her presence was so delightful, so intoxicating I could hardly comprehend it. I took the chance to once again inhale her lovely scent by dropping my mouth to her jaw. I brushed my lips along the line of her jaw. Back and forth from her ear to her chin, reveling in the heat and the pulse of her blood. The soft, silky feel of her skin. The tension that caused her body to shudder against mine. The way my own body reacted. Oh yes, I was affected. Deeply.

"Regardless," I murmured, forcing my mouth away from her skin, "I have better reflexes."