"How could you possibly expect him to understand?" Kylo Ren asked her, incredulity obvious in his voice. He could not believe how foolish she was being; how could she possibly believe that someone would forgive her for attempting to abandon them?
"If you'll remember, he did the same thing to me." She replied, the answer obvious even though it still irked him.
"You do not strike me as the type to ignore their own guilt."
"I don't." She said, looking him straight in the eye, trying to see through him, see through these ludicrous walls he was putting up.
"You do not feel guilty? I think you are lying to me once more, Cara Nova. You cared about Ben Solo too much to let him go now, to abandon him the way you attempted to this evening. I've felt your pain; you never felt he abandoned you before you found out who he became. And now, all of a sudden, you judge the choices he has made? The choices he made in order to become who he was meant to be?"
There were so many things that she wanted to say to him, not only to Ben, but to Kylo. She felt they both needed to hear her sentiments, as fragile, selfish, loving and painful as they may be. There were more memories for them to explore together, more moments for them to discover, from the past, and for the future. Putting it into words was a hard thing to do.
"Ben Solo was a great man and an amazing friend, and I loved him. I never knew why he left – not the true reason anyway. I did not know what it was and in spite of what you may think, I did believe that he abandoned me, on some days. That hurt. And I missed him. But I still believe that he would have understood why I had to get out of here. If there is anything I have learnt about Ben Solo from you, Kylo Ren, it is that he felt an enormous need to change. How am I going to change if I am trapped here for the rest of my life? Trapped with a man who, as he's mentioned many times before, does not care about me? He would have understood that I wanted to change. He would have understood that I needed to leave to be able to become who I need to be."
He looked at her as he had not looked at her in a long time; it was a gaze full of wonderment and awe, as though he could not believe the person standing in front of him, uttering those words. She could not tell if his current opinion of her was positive or negative – but whatever it was, she would take it. It was one of the few times he had looked at her without resentment and anger.
"And who is that you need to become?"
"I'm not sure yet."
He scoffed, the wonderment on his face being replaced by disbelief. He obviously thought she was absurd for feeling that way, perhaps for feeling any way at all. All he knew was hatred, annoyance, and frustration. He found it hard to believe that she did not know those same emotions right now.
"You think you know me so well, Kylo, Master of the Knights of Ren. Why don't you tell me who you think I should become?" She asked, wanting to know what he was thinking.
He did not have to think about his answer for too long.
"I think you should become someone who could actually be useful to me."
"If you still believe that I will join the First Order for you, you truly do not know me at all."
He scooted his stool closer to her, and she leaned forward, a reflex from a time long ago; curious as to what he had to say and yet terrified of him at the same time. It was much the same way she had felt when she had first found out that Kylo Ren was in actuality her oldest friend. Not knowing what to feel and not knowing whether to listen to her head or to her heart.
"You think yourself so well adjusted to your situation – fighting to find your little friend in the depths of someone you know you should hate. You think you understand why he did what he did, and that magically, if you can find him again, everything will go back to the way it was. All that is ignorance, Cara. Ignorance of a situation that you cannot even begin to comprehend. Your belief, your sickening hope that everything will fix itself is merely a delusion. I once told you that you would not be able to deny the truth anymore, not once I had taken off the mask. And yet, here you stand, deceiving yourself into thinking that you can still fix him, and fix the life you once lead!"
He grabbed her chin, pulling her even closer to himself. His glove covered fingers pressed hard into her skin, making it impossible for her to move a muscle. She was transfixed, listening to his words as though they were the only thing that were keeping her awake right now. She had almost forgotten about the searing pain in her arm as she stared into his eyes, these eyes that she knew so well. These eyes that had willed her to stay here.
"I think it is time for you to stop fooling yourself, Cara. You may not want to become part of the First Order; and while I think it is absurd for you turn down such an opportunity, there is another way in which you can become useful to me."
"And in what way is that?" She whispered, afraid to know the answer.
"Let me train you."
It was not the answer she had expected to hear, not at all. To be quite frank, she did not know what she had expected. That however, was not it.
"You want to train me?"
"Yes. Right now, you are this fragile little girl, holding on to the hope that one day, your wishes will come true, and your friend will come back to you. That is not the reality you face. The reality you face is much darker, more painful, and sincere. I will help you channel what you really feel, the anger, the hate, and I will help you become who you were meant to be."
"I was never meant to be like you." She said, defiance clear in her voice. It angered her that he would call her fragile. She was letting his words get to her, allowing them to fester within her. If anger was what he wanted, it was what he was going to get.
"I can already hear it in your voice. The fury." He said, a mischievous smirk playing on his features.
"Yes, but I am not angry with myself. I am angry with you, Kylo Ren. You have made me feel fragile at times, and broken, and lost. But that is not who I am. Ben Solo helped me become someone that did not need to feel cracked and empty. I will not allow you to ruin that."
Her words did not seem to faze him.
"Let me train you." He said again, still smirking at her.
"Why are you asking my permission?"
"Because I know you will make the right decision."
She was silent, willing him to remove his fingers from her chin. She could feel bruises starting to form under his firm grip, and as much as she did not want to give him the satisfaction to know that she was in pain, she needed him to let go. She needed to be further away from him.
Instantly, he complied, leaning back away from her, and she released a breath at the lessened pressure on her face.
"How could you possibly know that?"
"As much as you would like to think otherwise, I do know you. All these memories that you have shown me, that I have forced you to share, tell a greater story than you think. I know you, Cara."
Ben had once told her he believed you could never know someone well enough. That was what he had told her, even after ten years of friendship. She hoped that principle still applied. She hoped that she could use that on Kylo. As well as he seemed to think he knew her – Ben was the one who made him feel that way – she would use it to her advantage. Somehow.
"How will you train me?" She asked, even though she already knew the answer.
"You may not be Force Sensitive, but you are smart, and a quick learner. I will teach you in the art of combat – I will teach you how to channel your anger. I will teach you how to become stronger, more in control of yourself, and your emotions."
"Ben taught me in combat."
"His skills were foolish. They were nothing compared to what I can teach you." He said.
"I have never noticed you to have control over your own emotions." She stared pointedly at the destruction he had wreaked on her cell weeks before. She wanted to anger him, to annoy him as much as he was pressuring her now. She had nowhere else to go, and he knew. He knew that she would take any opportunity that would give her an advantage, as small of an advantage as that may be.
He sneered at her, unable to form a retort but irritated at her comment nevertheless.
"You seem to forget that you and Ben Solo are one and the same person."
"And you seem to forget that Ben Solo does not exist anymore." He said, trying to counter her words.
"If that were true, I don't think you would be so angry that I tried to escape. You are at war with yourself, Kylo Ren, as I have told you before. You would not be so furious at my wanting to leave if you truly think I am as useless as you have described me to be. You know that I can mean something to you, if you would just allow yourself to feel. I will allow you to train me in combat; but I think it's only fair if you realize that I will not stop fighting to pull you away from whatever darkness it is you have wrapped yourself in."
He stood up in anger, his stool falling backwards with an enormous metallic clang as he once more towered over her. Grand gestures like this one always told her that she was getting through to him. Tonight was no different. He looked out the window over her head, seemingly lost in thought. It was only then, as she realized that he was looking out into the void of the galaxy that she remembered FN-2187 and his fellow pilot escapee. She hoped they had made it somewhere safe. She hoped their recaptures or demises were not something that Kylo Ren would be able to hold against her one day.
He seemed to read her thoughts, even though she could not feel his presence in her mind. He looked down at her with his brown eyes, a strange kindness in them that did not match the hardened look of the rest of his features.
"Your training will begin shortly. And as for your friends, the resistance pilot and the traitor, I make no promises as to their fate. They have sealed it for themselves."
With those last words, he stalked out the door, and she was left alone in her dank little cell once more; desperately trying to predict what the future had in store for her and miserably failing to do so.
A/N: As always, I hope you enjoyed this! Sorry it took a bit longer than usual; I've just started on my thesis and I was a little stressed by everything that I have to do for it. I hope to get the next update to you a bit sooner, but thanks for all the lovely reviews and people following and favouriting!