WTFudge
By Fluff
(xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks)
Thanks to: Alii, Mizsirius, SB-girl-4ever, Nicoley117-LadyBlueMartini, Kirah, x0xoTheRosesx0xo, queen5657, siriusly777, Winni3, JustAnotherCrazyWriter, summersgirl2526, Cassie93, bobbyandroque, Pen-to-paper scribble, STRAWBERR1, fantasygirl26????????????, Vampire-f4i, Shealtiel, MissJudged16, BrazenFerlie, GoTheDistance, itra, Padfoot x, padfootROX, .x.random.illusionz.x., -fancynancy-, Miss Mione, -Ivy-parker-, Jellyjade Bean and crazyanimallyr93 for reviewing last chapter.
Disclaimer: This applies to the whole story because I know I'll forget to post this on every chapter. I don't own Harry Potter. All characters and places belong to J.K Rowling. All I own is the plot and Rosa, Brendan, Bambi, Larry, Mrs. Willow... ok, basically any characters you don't recognise. However, Bridget Daltrey belongs to Sarah's Scribbles, who has kindly let me use her in this story.
A/N: Sorry for not updating in so long! It's been ages and I'm truly sorry but I've had so much homework (you would not believe) and I haven't been able to find the time. Thanks to -Ivy-parker- for: a) forcing me to start writing this chapter, b) for helping me with a few ideas and c) for watching Robin Hood with me and thinking Jonas Armstrong and Richard Armitage are FIT (which they SO ARE! But Jonas is mine and Richard is hers so back off!).
-x-
"YOUR HIGH HEELS! I WANT YOUR HIGH HEELS!" James yelled hysterically, staring at me with a wild look in his eye. My jaw dropped.
"Err, James... now isn't the time to start having sexuality issues-" I started to say, looking around nervously.
"I'M NOT HAVING SEXUALITY ISSUES!"
"Oh god! It's only been 10 minutes! COME BACK TO ME, JAMES! INSANITY IS A CHOICE NOT A FORCED ACT!" I shouted.
"SHUT UP YOU IDIOT! Do you want the Death Eaters to come back and kill us?!" James said, rolling his eyes.
"Not particularly but I stole these from Brendan and if we do survive then he will kill me instead," I explained. I looked down at my shiny purple stilettos... I really wasn't dressed for occasion but then again I hadn't exactly got up in the morning and thought 'hey, today's the perfect day for getting kidnapped!'
"Although you know of my secret desires to be a woman and have breasts of my own so I can feel them whenever I like, I was thinking of using them to cut myself free, then free you too, then we could attack the next death eater who comes down to check on us, steal their wands, fight our way out James Bond style... have you seen those films?" James stopped suddenly, looking at me expectantly.
"No..." I said.
"Oh well when we get out of here, you really have to watch it. ANYWAY, so I fight my way out James Bond style and you just fight your way out your way which isn't nearly as cool and then we steal two broomsticks, get on them, fly back to your house and regain our freedom!" James finished his speech with a slightly insane smile upon his face and a crazed glint in his eye. I just watched him, my mouth hanging open.
"Err... alright then," I replied slowly. "Will we have time to stop off for lunch? OH OH! WE COULD GO TO MCDONALDS!"
James blinked at me. And blinked again. He shook his head at me. "And to think you're supposed to be intelligent." He rolled his eyes. I glared. James started to shuffle around the floor, pulling his chair with him. He seemed to be struggling, so I tried to stretch my legs out as far as the ropes binding me would let me... which wasn't very far. It took James another five minutes to reach a position where he could grab my high heels. He grabbed the stiletto, yanking it from my foot. He fumbled with it for a bit and began to start rubbing it against the ropes around his wrists. After twenty minutes of anxious waiting (and my foot getting extremely cold because I was wearing very thin tights and stone floors are generally cold), James managed to pull his wrists free.
"YAY!" I shouted joyfully.
"WOO! OH YEAH! TAKE THAT BASTARDS!" James whooped as best as he was still lying on the floor tied to a chair. "GO US! WE ROCK! YOU DON'T!"
"James..."
"UH HUH! UH HUH! UP YOURS YOU MANWHORES! CALL YOURSELF DEATH EATERS, EH? WELL WE SHOWED YOU!" James shouted, laughing like a mad man.
"JAMES!" I shouted.
"WHAT?" James said. "YOU'RE INTERRUPTING THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY HERE!"
"JAMES!" I shouted again.
"WHAT?! FOR MERLIN'S SAKE WOMAN!"
"YOU HAVE ONLY MANAGED TO FREE YOUR WRISTS, YOU ARE STILL TIED TO A CHAIR, I AM STILL TIED TO A CHAIR, THE CELLAR DOOR IS STILL LOCKED, THERE ARE STILL DEATH EATERS GUARDING THE DOOR AND UNLESS THEY ARE INCREDIBLY DEAF THEN THEY CAN HEAR EVERY WORD WE ARE SAYING, WHICH ISN'T SURPRISING AS WE ARE SHOUTING AT THE TOP OF OUR BLOODY VOICES!" I screamed.
There was silence.
"Ah. Right. Slipped my mind, that did." James said, coughing awkwardly. More silence.
"Maybe now would be a good time to start trying to free the rest of your body and thinking about how you're going to free me too otherwise we're going to be dead within the next hour," I told him, trying to be calm. James didn't reply but quickly started to cut the ropes around his chest. They frayed and broke and it was only James' legs bound to the chair. He undid them with his hands and got to his feet.
"Quick, hurry up," I whispered. I could hear somebody walking down the stairs, talking. James pulled on the ropes binding me and managed to pull the knot apart. I started undoing my legs. Finally we were both freed.
"SHIT! WHAT DO WE DO FOR WEAPONS?!" James suddenly said.
"HOW THE HELL DO I KNOW? THIS WAS ALL YOUR CLEVER IDEA!" I replied. I looked around the cellar desperately. "I know! The chairs!"
"Great thinking!" James said, grabbing his chair. I grabbed mine too. The voice was getting louder now and suddenly the footsteps stopped. James and I rushed over to stand by each side of the doorway and held our chairs in the air; we were ready to fight our way out! James Bond style! (I really needed to watch those films- even Lily recommended them and Lily spends her life reading books, so they had to be good.)
The door was flung open. "ATTACK! KILL THEM ALL!" James screeched. We screamed and hit over chairs over the person standing in the doorway. It was only after we had hit the person three times over the head with our chairs that we realised that the person wasn't actually a person at all... no, it wasn't Voldemort... it was a house elf instead.
"Ow... Squeaky hurting..." The house elf said, twitching on the floor and holding its eye. Two plates of food lay smashed on the floor. I didn't think I'd ever felt so awful in my life.
"Oh shit. We just ruined all the food." James said, shaking his head.
"Oh no..." I said, dropping to my knees.
"I know! It was LASAGNE too!" James added, groaning.
"I attacked a defenceless creature," I said. I felt ashamed at myself but I could feel my eyes starting to sting. The house elf started gasping for air and beckoned for me to come closer.
"Oh wow! Rosa! Look! Maybe it's going to be like one of those muggle movies where someone's dying and then they leave all their fortunes to some random stranger who happens to be there!" James told me excitedly.
"YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLY INSENSITIVE," I hissed at him.
"WELL... WHAT ABOUT THE LASAGNE! YOU WEREN'T SYMPATHETIC ABOUT THAT!" James hissed back.
"Squeaky... Squeaky says..." The house elf started to say. I crawled over to sit by her, trying to hear what she was saying. James sat behind me, craning to hear too.
"Squeaky wants... Dobby... to know that... she loves him..." Squeaky managed to say.
"Who the fuck's Dobby?" James said in my ear. "SORRY- WE- DO- NOT- SPEAK- HOUSE-ELF!" James said slowly. I elbowed him in the stomach.
"Tell Dobby... that... before Squeaky goes... to sleep at night... she thinks of him... and her heart fills with love that she... never knew... existed... until she... met him..." Squeaky said, now wheezing and coughing.
"ASK HER ABOUT THE MONEY! ASK HER ABOUT THE MONEY!" James chanted next to me, jumping around.
"Squeaky knows that you... are kind for... staying with her while... she... is dying..." Squeaky managed to say.
"No! You're not dying! I swear!" I said, biting my lip and avoiding her gaze.
"Squeaky knows, Miss... to you... she leaves... 1000 galleons..."
"AND- TO- JAMES- POTTER- THAT'S- JAMES- WITH- A- J!" James said loudly to Squeaky.
"How the hell does James NOT have a J?!" I said, turning to look at him with disbelief.
"Merlin, you're so stupid sometimes. You can spell it with a G too. Dur." James laughed and shook his head at me. I blinked slowly. "What?"
"THAT SPELLS GAMES YOU FOOL!" I shouted.
"NO IT DOESN'T! AM I RIGHT? I'M RIGHT! BACK ME UP HERE, BEAKY!" James said. Squeaky was busy having a coughing fit in the corner of the room, unnoticed by me and James.
"HER NAME IS SQUEAKY, NOT BEAKY!" I yelled. "YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON I'VE MET WHOSE SHOE SIZE IS BIGGER THAN THEIR IQ!"
"I'M A SIZE 9! AND A HALF! WHAT SHOE SIZE ARE YOU?!"
"WHY THE HELL DOES THAT MATTER?!"
"TELL ME!"
"I'M A SIZE 5!"
"Is it just me, Malfoy, or do these shoes make me look too feminine?" James and I slowly turned around, curses flying through my head. There stood Lestrange, Malfoy and Bellatrix, all pointing their wands at us., Lestrange wearing Brendan's stilettos on his feet and with a hand on his hip.
"Bellatrix's shoes are nicer though," Malfoy said, ever the suck up. Bellatrix smirked triumphantly, looking down at her own green high heels.
"You know my brother has those shoes and I have to say they look ten times better on him," I told her. James started coughing to disguise the laugh he had let slip. Bellatrix glared.
"So you thought you'd try and escape did you? AND by killing the Malfoy's family house elf!" Bellatrix said coldly. She was now fingering James' hair with the tip of her wand. James looked at her, disgusted.
"YEAH! AND SHE MADE REALLY GOOD HOT CHOCOLATE!" Malfoy shouted, furious.
"She's dead?" I asked, trying not to look bothered.
"Yeah." Bellatrix replied, rolling her eyes.
"I'm a murderer..." I said. I looked at Bellatrix, feeling horrified
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Scum killed even scummier scum, you'll get over it. Now the actual problem here is how you are going to afford to buy a new house elf-" Malfoy started to say.
"Woah, we're not buying you a new house elf!" James said.
"Yeah! You're not getting a knut of our money!" I added defensively. James and I nodded triumphantly at each other and glared at the death eaters.
"Fine. We thought you'd say that. You'll have to be the house elves instead." Bellatrix told us, grinning manically.
"Err, say again?" James said uncertainly. Bellatrix started to laugh crazily.
"O-K... someone's gone a bit mad..." I stated nervously.
Bellatrix laughed even harder and more hysterically. Lestrange stopped looking at MY stilettos in his hand mirror and looked at Bellatrix with a demented grin. Malfoy looked at them both and started grinning too.
"Alright, is this some kind-of inside joke that everyone knows apart from us?" I asked, exchanging confused looks with James.
Malfoy and Lestrange joined in the laughter this time. "OK, Bellatrix... put the wand down and back away slowly... no-one need get hurt..." James said slowly to her. She suddenly stopped laughing and shoved her wand to the top of his throat.
"We may find this funny but you certainly won't. Malfoy, go and get some old sheets, throw them in the mud in the garden, then throw them in the pond and bring them back in. We're going to make them into the perfect house elves!" Bellatrix instructed, not taking her mocking stare from James and myself. Malfoy nodded, grinning, and ran off. Lestrange looked at Bellatrix for a few moments, before following him.
-x-
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