Previous chapters: James managed to kidnap Bella and take her to a deserted maintenance garage, trying to lure Edward into a fight. The wolves and the Cullens found them and destroyed James, but not before Bella was injured. Wracked with guilt, Edward faces the inevitable fragility of his future with Bella. And Bella, knowing well how Edward's mind works, makes some decisions of her own.
In this chapter, Bella has an unexpected visit from one of Edward's siblings that yields an important conversation. She also forces Edward into a dialogue about her own mortality and his reluctance to change her.
Many thanks again to Camilla for reading and always helping me improve, and for Mapguy for being my guy.
Bella, Chapter 13
Edward was attentive, loving and fully loaded with medical know-how. He and Carlisle brought me home from the hospital and helped me get settled into my bed. Carlisle had arranged for a week off from my job so I could recuperate. Edward wanted to stay home with me all the time, but considering the pharmacy was already down one pharmacist, I convinced him to put in some shifts whenever Larry needed him. I specifically asked if one of the other women from his family could help when he was at work. I knew Esme and Alice would be happy to feel so needed and useful.
Imagine my surprise when Rosalie showed up the next morning.
She arrived with Edward; he dropped her off on his way to work when he was filling in on the day shift. She entered my bedroom like a blonde goddess. Even in casual dress with practically no makeup, she looked effortlessly beautiful. I reminded myself that she was Edward's family and I had to be nice. Still, knowing how she felt about me, I was leery and prepared to defend myself.
Edward looked at me significantly while Rose went back to the kitchen to make coffee. "Will you be okay today?" he asked somewhat solemnly. I knew he wasn't just talking about my injuries. I had to stifle a giggle.
"Yes, I really think I will," I replied, grasping his hand.
He leaned over and kissed me sweetly. "I'll miss you, but I'll be over right after work. Call me if...well, call me if you need to," he said.
He left and Faith climbed over the quilt to lie near my left hip. She'd been especially careful around me, as if she knew I was injured. Everyone was cautious, walking and even talking as if perched on eggshells. They all asked if I hurt, was I sore, did I need anything, could they get me something. I gave the right responses to the right people about my pain, my discomfort, my hunger or thirst, my exercises that were like homework for my physical therapy. I had conversations about everything but the one subject I needed to talk about the most: the future. Specifically, the future of me and Edward.
The ache in my shoulder had nothing on the ache in my heart.
This is what hurt like hell. I could take the pain in my bones as they healed after the break. I understood the loss of freedom and mobility that came with my injuries, and I didn't complain about it. (Not out loud, anyway.) I bore the humiliation of having people do nearly everything for me with as much grace as I could muster. But I turned my head away when people said I was courageous in handling my injuries.
I wasn't brave at all when it came to bringing up the conversation I needed to have with Edward. I had little enough experience in successful communication with men. How was I going to argue with my vampire boyfriend to change me so I would be like him? This wasn't like convincing your man to see the movie you want instead of some action flick. The consequences were pretty different.
And I knew Edward's feelings on this: he was dead set against it. He was stubborn, and so was I.
So, here we were - at least, right now, here were Rosalie and I. She brought in a mug of coffee prepared exactly as I love it. Faith took one look at her and bolted past Rose's ankles. The cat might have grown used to Edward, but a second vampire in the apartment was more than she could tolerate.
"Rose, this is so good," I said carefully. I didn't want her to suspect the depth of my surprise.
"Edward told me how you like it," she said, not unkindly.
I smiled. "Did he write out directions and do a trial run with you so he was sure you got it?"
Rose laughed, a delicious, feminine peal. "Sounds like you know him pretty well."
"Yeah, I think I do." It came out more pensively than I intended.
She eyed me steadily. "You really love him."
"I don't need to think about that - I know I do. Very much." I sighed involuntarily.
Rose turned away. She stared casually in the direction where the cat took off, but I knew well enough that vampires never did anything incidentally. Everything was always very intentional.
This was the person who scared me the most out of all the Cullens, though it had nothing to do with her immortal status. Yet I was suddenly determined to lay it all out with her. How much more could I lose?
"Rosalie, I know you don't approve," I said. "I know you'd prefer it if Edward and I weren't together. I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable. I'd just like to know why."
She turned to face me while keeping the rest of her body immobile, that eerie stillness I wasn't sure I'd ever be used to. "It's not a question of what makes me uncomfortable. There are reasons why I've been so cold, Bella." She paused another few seconds. "Has Edward told you about how dangerous all this is?"
I assumed she meant Edward's bloodlust. "Well, he told me about how my blood is especially...appealing to him."
Rose shook her head. "No, I mean how dangerous it is just for a vampire to associate with a human who knows all about us."
I looked at her, puzzled. "I don't understand."
She glanced out the window and exhaled precisely. "He'll be furious if he knows I'm telling you this," she said carefully.
I shrugged the shoulder that wasn't in a sling. "Well, I won't tell him. He will see it in your thoughts, though, sooner or later."
"Exactly." She looked at me intently, as if weighing her options. "What the hell. He hates me enough as it is."
"As long as you've mentioned that..." My voice trailed off. "Why do you think he hates you?"
"I've lived with him for quite awhile, Bella. I know how he feels about me."
I frowned. "I think you're overstating it. I really don't believe that's true."
"We got off to a bad start, and we've really never been able to change it or make it much better."
"What do you mean by 'bad start'?"
She smoothed out the bottom of her blouse. If I didn't feel certain that Rose was the most confident being on the planet, I'd think she was nervous.
"You know he lived with Carlisle first, right?" she said. "You know the story of how Carlisle first met him?"
"Yes."
"Before I, uh, arrived, Esme had also been living with them for awhile. I think Carlisle became very concerned about Edward being lonely, being alone. He wanted a companion for him..." Her voice trailed off a little before regaining its strength. "Carlisle found me and brought me back to their home."
"What do you mean?" I knew Carlisle wouldn't have changed her if she was a healthy human. Something must have happened to her.
"I was 18, and more or less a social butterfly. I was engaged to the most popular guy in town. I thought my life was perfect," she said, bitterness taking over her tone. "Turns out, he was nothing like what I thought.
"I met up with him at a friend's house. There were about four men there - all friends of Royce, my fiance. They were drunk. Royce grabbed me and started saying things," she said, looking down.
I guessed where this was headed. "Rose, if this is too painful for you, you don't have to repeat it."
She waved a hand dismissively. "No, it's okay. I mean," she amended, "it's hard for me to think about, and it's a human memory that has stayed with me almost in its entirety. Why this is the one that's clearest, I don't know. I guess because it's so traumatic. That's Carlisle's theory, anyway, and he would know better than anyone." She looked at the empty coffee mug. "Can I get you something to eat now? Edward will really be angry if I don't feed you."
"No, Rose, I can eat later. Please continue. I mean," and I looked at her sympathetically, "unless you don't want to."
"It doesn't bother me - to talk about it, I mean." She shrugged and tossed her hair over her shoulder. On anyone else, that move would look conceited or calculated, but on Rosalie, it just looked normal.
"He raped me, and then turned me over to his friends. I was - it was horrible. There were four of them all drunk, all rough. I don't know how long it lasted." She sighed and looked at her hands. "I was so stunned, I just laid there on the parlor floor until I could stand. And then I tried to leave, but the guys were still in the house. Royce found me and grabbed me. I struggled and was able to get as far as his front lawn, but he caught me. He beat me to within an inch of my life."
The silence filled the room. I'd never guessed that this woman, who was blessed with otherworldly perfection, carried such pain and sorrow. She'd been on this earth almost a century, and for nearly every moment had lived with what was done to her.
I moved forward, trying to grasp her hand, but my ribs wouldn't let me go any further. In a swift move, she came to my side and said, "Now, don't do that, Bella. Edward will absolutely shred me if your injuries-"
I grabbed her hand. "No, I'm okay. God, Rosalie, I'm so sorry. I had no idea."
A wince marred her lovely features for just a second, and I realized too late that the last thing she wanted was pity. I wanted to find a way to tell her that I'd misjudged her and made a lot of assumptions I now knew were wrong, and that's really what I regretted, but I wondered if she'd believe me. I changed the subject.
"Emmett adores you - it's so plain to see. You're fortunate to have each other," I said.
Her face cleared slightly. "I am lucky. It's no secret I hate this life, but I don't know what I'd do without him. He's really the best man for me, the best thing that ever happened to me, without question."
I really wanted to tell her that I wasn't in on the secret of why she hated her life, but I thought it would be wise to take a different tact. "How did you..." I stopped, confused. What was the right way to ask how a vampire couple got together? Did their eyes meet above some poor feckless human as they were draining him? "You and Emmett have been together a long time," I finally said, hoping she'd get my drift.
She smiled. "Yes. I found him after he'd been mauled by a bear." Oh.
"He was almost dead, and I couldn't stand leaving him. I brought him home to Carlisle. That was more than 50 years ago."
"Emmett's a good man," I said, nodding my head.
"Yes. And so is Edward." Rosalie looked me directly in the eye as I blinked in surprise. I wasn't shocked that she felt that way, just astonished that she'd say it to me. She and Edward seemed to have little fondness for each other.
"He loves you, Bella," she said quietly. "And I'm glad that he's found that happiness, really I am. But I'm very concerned about where this is going."
I nodded. That made sense. "I know, Rose. Believe me, I haven't said a word to anyone. I would never do that," I said fervently.
"It's not that simple. There are others of our kind who would be very unhappy that Edward was with a human who knows all about us. We have rules, and this is definitely against them."
I frowned. "Rules? As in, laws? A government?"
"Something like that, yes." She got a little evasive, and I wondered if she could get in trouble for telling me all this. Edward would surely be furious. Maybe that alone was stopping her.
"Rose, I'd never want to hurt you, or Edward, or anyone in your family. I'd never want to do anything that could cause trouble." I held her hand tightly.
She nodded slowly, but there was warmth in her eyes now. "I know that, Bella. I know you'd never intend to do anything. I'm just afraid of someone finding out. You don't..." and she hesitated, then looked out the window. "We never know who's watching. I hate to be so cryptic, but it's probably best not to tell you anything more. And Edward will be angry enough that I've told you this much."
"He doesn't have to know everything you say."
Rosalie shook her head. "I can't make you bear that responsibility. The two of you should discuss it, but I'll let him fill you in on the details. He should be telling you anyway," she added fiercely.
"Besides, like I said, Edward hates me already. This won't make much difference."
I shook my head. "No, Rose, I don't believe that." I thought for a moment, then decided that as long as we were being honest, I'd go for broke. "I think he knows you disapprove of me, and that upsets him."
"It isn't you, Bella, You know that. It's just - you being human isn't safe. For us, or for you."
"You're right about that." I hesitated a moment. Here comes a bomb, Rose. "In fact, I think he should change me. I think I should become one of you. A vampire. I think it's the only way." I held still and waited for her reaction.
She pressed her lips together and met my gaze. "I kind of figured you'd feel that way, but I don't think Edward will agree to it, Bella. He wouldn't want to take your humanity because that's wrong. And I couldn't support it, either."
"Then what?" I asked. "I grow old while he stays at age 24? He endures the pain of being around me while my blood makes him so uncomfortable? We worry constantly about this law you've mentioned? What kind of life is that?"
Her eyes narrowed. " 'What kind of life is that?' What kind of life is this! Do you have any idea what you're asking for?"
"Yes," I said firmly. "An eternity with Edward. That's all I want."
As she looked at me, something like compassion gradually softened her features. "I know you love him. All of us can see the changes you've brought about in him. He's happier, and so much more at peace. And a happy Edward means a hell of a lot less tension in our home." She rolled her eyes before staring at me intently. "But you can't stay with him as a human, and it's not right for him to change you. You have everything ahead of you, and you shouldn't throw your life away," she said fiercely.
"It's my choice, Rose," I said quietly.
She sighed and shook her head. "Tell Edward you need to talk. Although I'm sure he won't change his mind, he should hear you out. He owes you that, at least." She stood up, signaling that this conversation was over. "If you don't want anything to eat now, why don't you get some rest? I'm afraid I've made you stressed, talking about this with you." She reached out and smoothed my hair with her hand.
I smiled at her. I had no idea what trouble I'd cause by dragging her into this business between Edward and I. Come to think of it, I had no idea why she was even here.
"Rosalie, can I ask why you came to stay with me today? I mean, I appreciate your willingness to help, so please forgive me. But I'm surprised you would even volunteer to keep me company, considering your concerns."
She shrugged her shoulders and grinned. "Everybody thinks I'm the queen bitch. I wanted to show I'm more than that."
I thought more about what she'd said when she went to the kitchen to heat up my lunch. Based on the little she'd told me, I was causing trouble for all the Cullens, just for loving their son. I'm not above plotting how to use that to further my argument with Edward. I couldn't believe he'd want to endanger his family. Making me one of them would eliminate that problem. We could all live together with no worries about laws of the supernatural or marauding vampires or any such ridiculousness. There was only the fact that I'd be separated from my family for the rest of all time - until they died. And I'd be living forever. I tried to get my head around that. How could anyone live forever? I had a hard enough time grasping the concept taught in catechism class that God had existed forever. What did that mean? How could that be?
I knew that out of all the Cullens (which is to say, all the vampires I knew personally), Rose hated her existence the most. That made her the best person to talk to if I wanted some of the darker details.
"Rose, what is the change like? Edward won't even respond to that question when I ask him." I watched her carefully as she set the tray down in front of me with a full meal cooked by Esme: roasted chicken, mixed vegetables and garlic mashed potatoes. (Garlic is yet another one of those false myths.)
Her eyes widened in alarm and she sat down, still uncomfortable. "You really need to ask Edward about that. I just don't think it's appropriate for me to say anything."
I frowned. "What's so mysterious about it?"
"Bella, none of this is to be taken lightly. It's..." She hesitated. "The pain is excruciating. I'll just say that."
"But none of you wanted it. Would it be different for someone like me, who does?" I persisted.
She closed her eyes and shook her head. "I don't think that's possible. Please," she said slowly. "Ask Edward."
I really didn't want to make her more uncomfortable, so I took another tack. "Can I ask you something else?"
"What?" She eyed me warily.
"What's it like to live forever?" I could feel my face screw up in confusion. "I mean, I just can't understand that. How do you live knowing every day is just another one? And it's seamless, because you don't sleep? How do you keep from going insane?"
To my relief, she smiled. "Excellent questions. I'm glad you're thinking about that. I just don't know if Edward..."
"Please." I cut her off. "I want to know how you handle it. I'm asking less for my own future and more because I simply want to understand. The concept is inconceivable to me."
"It's hard to understand until you're there. Once the newborn stage passes-" and she cut herself off once she saw the wary look on my face. I suppose she decided not to bring it up. "You find a way to make it work. All of us do, in our own way. We have our own interests, our own work, and whatever else we enjoy." As an afterthought, she added softly, "And we have each other. When one of us finds it too much to bear, the others are around to help. Every one of us has his or her days. We help each other through them."
"You really are a family," I observed.
She nodded. "I know it's kind of bizarre to think about - hell, this all must be bizarre for you. But we're so much better off together than alone. It's the nomad vampires who have it worst. They sometimes pair off, and if they're lucky they find a mate. But that has to be the worst existence. You're alone, you have to kill people to subsist, and there's no end to it."
"Like the ones we saw in New Jersey."
"Exactly. They were a coven, true, but they wandered. Nomads have no roots and no one, really. We're lucky we had Carlisle. Without him, we'd all be like that."
I resisted pointing out that if not for Carlisle, they wouldn't even exist. I'd grown fond of Carlisle, though I was curious about why he would create more vampires when he was so horrified at his own transformation. Perhaps it was simply loneliness. I could understand that, even if it did seem an unforgivably selfish reason. At any rate, Rosalie seemed to close down the entire subject. We spent the rest of the day watching movies and talking about books. She also had a fondness for Dickens.
Esme came to pick her up at the same time Edward arrived after work. I heard them walking lightly up the stairs and was shocked to see Esme carrying an enormous picnic hamper. "Hello Bella! Carlisle and I made you some dinner."
"Really, this is too much. Esme, I appreciate all you've done, and please thank Carlisle for me too, but I don't know how I can ever eat all this," I said, laughing in embarrassment.
She stroked my cheek. "So you'll have leftovers. I know you won't be able to really cook as you like for a little while yet." Leaning over, she kissed my forehead. "I'll leave you in Edward's good hands now."
Once they left, Edward swiftly knelt on the bed, with one arm on each side of me. I raised my face to meet his lips with my own.
"I missed you," I said simply.
"And I missed you. I really don't like working days without you."
"How is Janice?" I hated being injured but didn't at all miss my moody coworker.
Edward snorted. "I got the full Janice effect today. She grabbed all the assignments out of the basket at the drop-off window, then got mad at me because she had to do all the work."
I kissed him again. "I'm so sorry, love. That's the ultimate sacrifice - working with Janice so I don't have to."
I knew it would be best not to put off the necessary conversation. I wanted to start talking about this while my chat with Rosalie was still fresh in my mind. Edward and I were in the living room; he'd carried me to the sofa so we could watch a movie. He wouldn't let me walk despite repeated reminders that my injury was mostly in my shoulder. I didn't mind all that much; it was so lovely to be in his arms for any reason. Sorrow flooded my heart when I thought our differences could limit those times.
"You haven't really asked me about my day with Rosalie," I pointed out.
"You were both on speaking teams when she left with Esme, so I assume it wasn't a disaster," he responded, his eyes on the TV screen but a smile playing around his lips.
"Actually, she was good company. I'm glad I got to know her a little."
He looked at me and smiled warmly, grabbing my hands. "That's really great, Bella. I'm so happy. I'm well aware that Rosalie can be difficult. I was surprised but pleased she offered to stay with you."
"Me too, but it's nice that she did. I want to tell you what we talked about."
"Okay." He seemed unaware of what I was about to bring up.
"Promise you won't be angry?"
Now he caught on. "Oh, jeez. Do not start a discussion like that when you're talking to me. Please. It means it's never good," he said grimly.
"Okay, I'll retract that question because I can see it's already moot. But you should know that I asked Rosalie why she didn't like me, and she explained that our relationship is dangerous for you and your family."
His features hardened as he stared at the screen. "Rose needs to keep her opinions to herself."
"Is it true?"
"Bella, I'll keep you safe. I promise you." He quickly scooped me up and gently drew me to his lap. "I failed miserably last time, but I swear it will never happen again. I learned a very bitter lesson."
"I'm not talking about my safety, I'm talking about yours. And your family's. She mentioned something about a - I don't know, like a ruling class of vampires? A government of sorts?" I searched his face for a reaction, but he just sighed and looked down, playing with my fingers.
"Tell me the truth," I said firmly.
"Yes, there is a group that makes sure rules are obeyed, and keeps order in the vampire world," he finally said. "They're known as the Volturi, and they are based in Italy. Normally, they don't leave the town where they live. But they have enforcers - employees, I guess you'd call them - all over the world. If they get wind of a problem, they get on it immediately. The overall principle is not to allow any exposure. We are supposed to keep the secret at all costs." He looked at me. "I knew this when I first really started to talk to you, of course."
"Stop blaming yourself," I said automatically, my mind elsewhere. I was already moving ahead. What he'd told me frightened me, but I quickly realized it also gave me a new opening.
"I didn't dare hope we'd be this close, even though I wanted it. I wanted you. It's not just about your blood, and it hasn't been for a long time. The Volturi would understand if it was," he said in disgust. "The draw of your blood is almost nothing to me now."
"It led you to me," I pointed out. "And you got past it."
He wrapped his arms tightly around me. "I would never hurt you."
I pulled back to look him directly in the eye. "You mean that."
"Of course I do."
"You wouldn't hurt me physically," I affirmed. "Would you hurt me emotionally?"
Edward looked puzzled. "Never, Bella. How could you think that?"
I twisted my fingers and kept my head down. "I'm still scared that you're going to leave me. I'm more frightened of that than anything else."
He sighed again but didn't say anything. When I looked up at him, he was staring off toward the kitchen.
"We have to talk about this. I'm growing older, and you're not," I added.
"So?"
"So you think we're not going to attract attention when I'm 40 or 50 years old? And what makes you think this Volturi will even let things go that long!"
"They won't find out," he said, but I detected an ounce of doubt in his voice, and I jumped on it.
"What if they do? Victoria is still out there. What if she's crazy with revenge and decides to go to these high priests of vampires?"
"Then we leave. I'll keep you safe," he insisted.
"That's not a plan, Edward."
"It's better than any of the other alternatives."
"No, it isn't!" I practically shouted. I turned so I was fully facing him. "You could get hurt! I could get hurt again! You know there's really only one thing we can do." I held his face between my hands. "You have to change me."
"No." His face hardened and he jerked his head out of my hands. His voice was like granite.
I shook my head. "It's the only way for us to be together, Edward. You know this."
He sat silent and stony, like the statue he resembled so often. "Don't tell me you'll leave me," I cried. My shoulder hurt from moving, and the physical pain added to the emotional stress I felt right now. I knew this was coming - knew there was a possibility he would go back on his word. His lack of response was like a confirmation, the sharpness of it slicing through me worse than words ever could.
The tears flowed down my cheeks, and his chilled fingers gently wiped them away. Edward's face showed so many emotions - sadness, pity, anger, worry - that I wondered if it was almost too much for him, too. A vampire's body was so hard, so unyielding. His heart had ceased to function, so how could it carry the agony he was feeling? I wasn't impervious to the sorrow he felt over the intractable problems we faced. I was angry with myself because in spite of how well I'd come to know Edward, I couldn't think of how to make this better for him. I wanted him to agree, but I also wanted him to be at ease with my choice. My choice. He had his guilt, but I had my life, and it was mine to do with as I wished.
"I don't want you to hurt," I whispered. "I love you. There isn't any way I can consider existing without you, no matter how short my human life would be. You can't leave me, and you can't expect us to live like this. It's the only way."
"I will not take your soul," he said angrily.
That's it? That's what it was? "We could have someone from your family change me," I said, confused over his comment.
He looked at me as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "It doesn't matter who would do it or how it would happen. I won't let it happen. I won't condemn you to this," he said, hoarse with emotion.
"It's not a condemnation. It's a...renewal. A revitalization," I said, groping for the right word.
"It's a damnable existence, Bella."
"That was how you described it before we met. Is it that way now?"
"No, Bella, you can't look at it like that," he said. He was running his fingers through his hair repeatedly.
"I was about to say the same thing to you. If I mean so much to you, if I've helped you out of that bleakness you describe, you cannot leave me in a human life that amounts to the same thing. Changing me would be a renewal - it enables us to be together as immortals. We would be equals," I declared fiercely.
"You make it sound so easy," he said, something beyond frustration in his voice and eyes. "You talk as if I could do it with no real thought or concern. For nearly 100 years I've worked to contain myself. I wouldn't let the demon out. And for the most part, I've been successful. And now you come along..." He looked at me ruefully. "I wanted your blood, and then I wanted all of you. And I shouldn't have either. You're the person I love most, and it would hurt you the deepest if I did what you're asking me to."
"It would hurt me deepest if you didn't," I said softly. I refused to look away from him.
"You're a spiritual person. You believe in God. What about your soul? What do you think will happen to it if you become immortal?"
"I have no idea," I said honestly. "I don't know the answer to that with any more certainty than I do the question of whether Jesus really was the Son of God, or whether God exists at all. I only know I'm asking this out of love and not hubris. I don't want to live forever. I want you, and I have to live forever to do it. I'm hoping God understands I'm in this for love and not for some crazy power trip of immortality."
For the first time in hours, Edward genuinely laughed. "That's how you're rationalizing it? You think you can explain it like that and God would just be fine with it?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "I have no answer to that, either. I can't presume to know what the Deity has in mind. Like all other mortals, I'll just state my case and hope it's acceptable."
His eyes softened, and then grew sad again. "Take it from this voice of experience: you wouldn't want to spend an eternity worrying that it's not." He shifted me gently so my arm was more comfortable while I was on his lap. "This is upsetting you, and you need to rest so you can heal. I don't want to continue this conversation."
"We have to keep talking about this," I protested.
"No. You need to rest," he said.
"Stop shutting me down. That's not going to do wonders for my stress levels," I snapped.
He shut his eyes tightly. "Bella, please."
It was getting to the point where pushing him would be counterproductive. "Okay, fine. At least promise me we'll talk about this again."
"For what?" he said in annoyance.
"Because you know I'm right. You just can't deal with that now." He was about to explode when I put my hand over his mouth. "Okay, okay. Just promise me we'll talk about this again."
He moved my hand. "Bella - "
"Promise."
Here comes the patented Edward Cullen eyeroll. "All right. I promise."
"And there's something else I want."
"Such as?"
"Please take me to church this Sunday." Driving was still out of the question, so Edward or someone from his family had to transport me everywhere.
"Really?" He smiled and his eyes searched my face. "Would this have anything to do with our previous conversation tonight?"
"Yeah. I have to start praying about this now. I mean, I have been, but I think I should show some respect and do it on God's turf."
Edward was off the weekend because he'd worked in my stead all week, so on Sunday morning, he dutifully roused me. Or at least, he tried. Being on sick leave permitted me to sleep in, and I was rapidly growing used to it, so to say I at first resisted his attempts would be an understatement. After making grumpy noises at him for the third or fourth time, I dozed off and then felt a slight dip in the bed next to me. My tee shirt was being gently moved up my back to my neck. As I gradually became aware of what was happening, I smiled lazily and shuffled back across the mattress - toward him, I hoped. Suddenly, it was as if a three-foot block of ice was shoved against my skin.
He'd taken off his shirt and slid right next to me so that the front of his torso was flush with my back. The best, most effective alarm clock is naked vampire skin in all its chilly glory. I leaped out of bed with a yell and smacked him. All that did was hurt my hand, of course - my previously uninjured hand. He adeptly sat up on his knees, laughing the whole time.
"Smartass vampire," I grumbled.
With a gentle tug, Edward pulled me toward him as he stood up. "Come on, I'll make you breakfast."
It was only a ten-minute drive to the church, so I had time to shower after eating. Edward sat at the table and read the Seattle paper while I got ready, and as I walked back out to the kitchen I noticed him leaning down at his right side. A few more steps revealed that Faith was sitting on the floor, allowing Edward to scratch around her ears. The sight brought me up short and filled my eyes with tears. She'd grown so used to him, she now trusted him to touch her. And this preternaturally strong immortal, whose favorite meal was a not-too-distant feline cousin of Faith's, was gently petting her without hurting her. He looked up at me while I stood there, gawking at the two of them.
"What?"
"Nothing. I love you."
"That's not 'nothing' to me." He rose and stepped over to me, then cupped my face with his hands. "What is it, love?"
"Seeing you with Faith is so sweet," I said, sniffling a little. "I didn't know she lets you touch her."
"She knows me now. I'm here often enough where she's grown used to me and she knows I'm not a threat."
My eyes widened. "Can you read her thoughts too?"
Edward laughed. "No, my talent doesn't extend to animals. But I can sense fear in them - I can smell it, actually - and I know hers has decreased gradually as I've been here so much." He turned me toward the door and said, "Come on, you're going to miss the opening hymn."
Along the drive, I spotted a few wrens darting out of the trees, their wings angled just so as they dodged the Volvo. They were plain but very pretty, and I reflected on how Faith strained to release her own inner predator when she watched birds from the apartment window. They would surely be terrified of her, just as she was originally terrified of Edward. The circle of life and all that.
And then a realization struck me: what would happen to Faith if I became a vampire? Could I bring her with me? Even if the Cullens didn't hurt her, how would she live with them? Would she be so frightened she'd literally never move?
It seemed typical of me that I'd worry more about leaving my cat than my family. The only one I could talk to about it was Edward, and I knew this was not the time. If I brought it up, he'd think I was taking it for granted that my change would occur. It was too early for that. I'd have to hold in my worry and maybe talk to him later, depending on whether he mellowed out about the whole subject.
"Bella?" Edward's musical voice broke into my plotting.
"Hmm? Oh, we're here."
"Yes. I guess I'll see you when the service is over." He looked up and out the windshield. "It's cloudy, so maybe I'll go for a walk and meet you at the car."
"Why don't you come in with me?"
He gave me an incredulous look. "Are you kidding?"
"No. Why not?"
"I don't think that's the place for me," he said, chuckling.
"Why wouldn't it be?"
"I'm a demon. I'm immortal. I've killed people. And of course there are my other flaws, like vanity and arrogance."
"Actually, all that makes it the perfect place for you."
He shook his head. "Not a good idea."
"Will the ceiling fall in if you step through the doors? Will the whole building catch fire? Will the priest have a seizure in front of the entire congregation?"
"Of course not."
"Then come." I opened the door and stepped out carefully, walking toward the driver's side door. Edward watched me from inside while I waited expectantly for him. He sighed, pulled the key out of the ignition and slammed the door.
"Okay. Let's go." He was trying to suppress a smile.
As we walked through the parking lot to the entrance, with other parishioners greeting each other along the way, Edward whispered in my ear, "I know what you're trying to do."
"And what's that?" I whispered back.
"Trying to get me to believe that my less-than-soulful existence is not an impediment to heaven."
I looked at him innocently. "Why, Edward. I merely thought it best that you stay with me in case I need you. What if I fall and hurt my injured shoulder? You know how clumsy I am."
He snorted. "Sure. Because you're always so willing to be dependent on me."
The church organ blared as we ascended the steps to the vestibule. The priest and acolytes were in formation, waiting for their walk to the altar. I leaned over and said to Edward, "Now, if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. It's customary to be very quiet in church, and as difficult as that will be for you, it's better if you stay silent."
"Sssshhhh," he replied. "You're annoying the priest."
"She can't even hear me!" I scoffed. "Don't try to tell me she does."
"Stop drawing attention to us," he said as we slid into a pew toward the back. "And just so we're clear, I am NOT going to communion. I'm not about to push my luck."
The minister was the same woman who presided at the service I attended long ago, when I first learned that Edward is a vampire. Back then, I hung on to every word of the service. Each reading seemed to speak directly to me, with its messages of love, forgiveness, and redemption. Today, I couldn't tell you what most of the service was about. I was furiously conducting my internal one-sided conversation with God.
"Dear Lord," I began, "please forgive my brazen nature right now. I'm about to ask You for something. I need to become immortal. I'm not asking You to do that, I'm asking You to understand why I want it. I'm in love with this man," and out of the corner of my eye I glanced at Edward, as if God needed confirmation of who I was talking about, "and the only way we can be together is if I become like him. He's good, Lord, I know You see that. And honestly, I couldn't care less about the whole living forever thing. I just want to be with him, and this is the only way we can do it. Please don't ask me to leave him. I know that's a really awful thing to say to You, but I'm asking for Your empathy. I swear to you that I'll keep every commandment of Yours...well, the really important ones, but maybe not the one about lying, because no one can know that I'm a vampire...but no matter how many thousands of years I live, I'll always ask for Your guidance. I promise to be good, and to do everything I can to find a way to help people. I'll still come to church - probably more often than I do now. I'll bet I can get Carlisle to come, and if Carlisle comes to church, then Esme will probably come too,
Please forgive me; I hate bargaining like this. I don't know if anyone else has ever asked for this from You. I hate even bringing it up; I honestly feel like a sleaze for asking. But You know, Edward is my life. I wouldn't care about anything if he wasn't with me. I'd rather take this chance of making You angry and becoming immortal than cease living at all because he isn't here with me. Can You understand?"
My praying rambled on in that vein. Edward nudged me at one point and gestured to the usher who stood at the end of the pew to guide worshippers to communion. I hesitated. What did communion mean to me? Was it a show of faith? I'd always thought it kept God within me for the rest of the week so I could have an easier time behaving myself. I wasn't being a very good Christian right now, asking God to give me one of the biggest passes in the history of His creation.
Maybe I shouldn't have taken communion...but I did. I hoped it would bring me closer to God. Selfish, I know.
I was silent on the ride home, thinking more about how I'd prayed and wondering if there was any way I could do it better. Edward's voice cut through my contemplation.
"Did you know those readings ahead of time?"
"You mean, did I know what passages they would choose for the readings?"
"Exactly, yes."
I laughed. "No, I don't usually keep up with the church calendar that carefully."
He smiled. "I thought for sure you'd brought me to church with you because of the Gospel reading."
I frowned, trying to remember what it was. I'd been so lost in my own thoughts I missed nearly everything of any consequence in the Mass. I probably angered God by doing that, too.
"The reading from Mark?" Edward prodded.
I shook my head. "I don't recall the exact words."
"Weren't you paying attention?" He looked at me curiously.
"I must have been distracted. A childhood habit from my youthful churchgoing years."
He raised his eyebrows and then started to quote from the Gospel reading. " 'The Son of Man is to be betrayed into human hands, and they will kill him, and three days after being killed, he will rise again.' "
I thought for a moment, and then I got it. "Immortality."
"Right."
"You thought I was sending you a message by coordinating this church visit with the Gospel? Honestly, Edward, I'm not that creative."
"Actually, you are," he said, looking at me fondly, "and I wouldn't put it past you to do it."
"I wouldn't compare you to Jesus. I think you're a far better man than you give yourself credit for, but even that's going too far."
"Oh, I know you wouldn't do that, and I'm not that arrogant, either. It was just too ironic, I guess, that part of the service was about immortality and there was an actual immortal in the congregation today."
I laughed. "I wonder how that could have affected their belief if they'd known. Would it reinforce their faith to know that people really could rise from the dead?"
He shook his head. "I'm not about to find out."
Now that my recovery was moving along well, it was also time to get back to other worldly issues, such as the prickly relationship between the vampires and the Quileutes. Jacob and the pack earned my undying gratitude, of course, for what they did. Very likely I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for them. They arrived at the maintenance yard where James had taken me before the Cullens did, a key fact that Edward was keenly aware of.
During my convalescence, Jacob called about every other day to see how I was doing. I never said it directly, but he quickly became aware that the Cullens were by my side all the time. I think he would have visited me, but he was probably reluctant to see them under social circumstances. We made general, light conversation, never once touching on the more serious issues. This was only partly because Edward was usually there when my cell phone rang with Jacob's call. The grim set of Edward's jaw told me he knew exactly who was on the line, but there wasn't anything he could say about it, and again, he knew it. Anyway, if he even tried to kick up a fuss, I'd let him have it.
Even more than Jacob, the Quileute I wanted to see was Wendell. I hadn't heard from him since the attack. Ellen came to see me a few times, and she always had a message from him which hoped for my speedy recovery so we could resume his lessons. I don't know whether she was any the wiser about the Cullens, but if she was, she never let on. She acted as if she believed the story that I'd hit a deer and crashed the car. She never asked me for the details, though, and I don't know whether that's because she didn't want to upset me or because she knew it was a lie.
After a few weeks, Carlisle cleared me to go back to more of my activities, including tutoring. I still couldn't drive, so I had to set up an elaborate relay system where Edward drove me to the treaty line, where Jacob and Wendell would be waiting. They'd transport me to the rec center, where Jacob waited while I worked with Wendell. We then did the whole process in reverse so Edward could bring me home.
It was June, which meant there was still light in the early evening as Edward and I headed to La Push. The closer we got, the more I could feel my excitement building. I kept skimming through my notes and the textbook to refresh my memory on where Wendell left off with his reading, even though I knew it exactly. I'd prepared for this carefully once I knew I'd be meeting with him tonight.
I could see ahead of us where Jacob's car was pulled off the road on a small clear space next to the shoulder. Edward stopped the Volvo about fifty feet away from them and pulled up the emergency break.
"Bella, be sure to call me if you have any problem. And be careful," he said seriously.
I chuckled. "Edward, nothing's going to happen - nothing but reading, talking and laughing. Please."
"You've seen how violent they can be. Don't ever forget they're animals," he warned.
I raised an eyebrow. "You've got to be kidding me. Pot calling the kettle much, Mr. Vampire?"
"I can control myself. Werewolves, especially young, excitable werewolves, can't," he said.
I kissed his cheek and opened the door. "It'll be fine, Edward." I shook my head at his overprotectiveness.
Before I left to join the two men waiting a short distance away, Edward pulled me into a strong hug. "Please. For my sake? Call me at once if you need to."
I framed his face with my hands. "Stop worrying. I'll see you in just over an hour." We kissed passionately, and I could swear Edward put a little more into it. I'm sure it was for Jacob's benefit.
We pulled away from each other, and to my surprise - and pleasure - Edward put his hand up and waved. I'd seen Jacob's nose crinkle in disgust after Edward and I embraced, though he returned the greeting. Wendell stood impassively, but he nodded his head in acknowledgement of Edward. As I walked closer, his face broke out in a huge grin. He was happy to see me, and immediately I felt the same joy. I was back doing something I loved, with two friends whom I'd come to love. It seemed good, and right, and normal.
A/N Thank you again for reading, and for reviewing. There's only one chapter to go after this! I can't thank you all enough for taking this ride with me.
There will be a sequel – it will be shorter than this, but it *won't* be "New Moon." I've got other plans for Edward and Bella!