PLEASE READ BEFORE READING CHAPTER AND PLEASE EXCUSE ERRORS AND TYPOS

This chapter was actually inspired by the song Goodbye My Lover. I actually wrote this chapter with the song on repeat.

This chapter is extremely important in the story. While Bella is having a mental breakdown in the present she digs to the past for the answers.

So the beginning and the ending of this chapter will be in the present while the middle is a flashback she's having during her breakdown.

The first chapter of this story was pretty much cliff notes of her life leading up to her leaving.

In this chapter we learn the affects of her leaving, her suffering, healing, and struggles etc...She also has an epiphany of sorts.

Might want your Kleenex out if I captured it correctly

BPOV

I felt my strong facade crumble as I looking into his uncaring green eyes. So I did not even bother to wait for his responds as I dashed out his house.

That man back there wasn't my Edward. The Edward who once vowed to protect me from all my demons or the one.....

I could even let me mind think of that thought because it hurt too much. I turned on the radio to distract me from my thoughts and emotions, and I immediately groaned. The Fates fucking hate me.

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.

I had to pull over immediately. It was too much. It was like the words to the song were calling out to my broken heart and soul.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.

My emotions begun to get the best of me; and I felt the sting of unshed tears trying to spill over

I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Edward…….Oh God Help Please Help me I cannot take this pain

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

Why does everything hurts so much now than 5yrs ago. I thought giving up on Edward the first time around was hard but not this time. It's bloody torture.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.

Why can't I be as strong as I was back then? Come to think about the reason I was strong back then was because of the lives that were relying on me.

I'd be the mother of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

(A/n yeah I know in the song its father of your child but this fits so I'm going with it)

A weak mind and body could not handle the affects of pregnancy and childbirth. Back then I realized I didn't mourn my lost I just kept everything on the inside. Because the doctors warned me that too much stress was not good for me since I already was having a high risk pregnancy.

Edward, Oh God, Edward I moaned

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

What happen to you? I want MY EDWARD back the one who takes the pain away, the one who once loved me and cared for me; the one that pledge to protect me always.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Please make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. I cried out as I clutched my heart.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

This is too much to bare and it reminded me of a time when I first felt this kind of pain.

FLASHBACK

I ran out of Edward's house so quickly after he told me he could be there for me. I knew I should have fought harder to tell him the truth about my pregnancy and how much I truly am in love with him. However his words just confirmed my worst fears and I couldn't cause him anymore pain.

I didn't know where I was going as I left Edward's place but one thing I was certain of without a doubt was that I had to leave the state of Washington.

I couldn't cause him anymore pain and my heart ache at the thought of leaving him but what other choices do I have.

I placed my hand on my stomach talking to the life growing inside of me.

"I don't know if I'm stronger to do this little one but I promise you I'll try with everything fiber in my being that I'll get my act together because you are the one thing in my life that I've done right and proud of."

Time seem to drag on as I sat in the park thinking of my next move.

However my thoughts kept leading me back to Edward. Why was I such a blind idiot to not of realize sooner how much I love him. Edward is...No he was my happy place and sunlight in all the darkness.

Normally I would run to the nearest bar to drown out my sorrows or take a razor blade to my skin just to release the pain. But I could do that not without harming the little life growing inside of me which so happens to be a piece of Edward. The only piece of him I have left to hold on too.

And just like that I knew where I would go. I remembered as a child I told Esme I was going to runaway to Chicago so that I could be with my Edward. No Bella I scolded myself.

Edward is not yours.

With my mind made up I knew Chicago would be the perfect place plus I knew people there. And the other pathetic reason why I choose Chicago was because it too was a piece of Edward.

I picked up my cell and made the call to change my life forever.

"Oh my god Bella I was just thinking about you the other day when I went to Angela's restaurant." She stated happily

"Hey Rose, I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time but I need your help." I replied sadly

"Is everything okay Bella?"

"I'm pregnant Rose and I need to get out if Washington and I have no one else. Can I stay with you till I get back on my feet?"

"Of course you can Bella, Hell you know you never have to ask. I'll help you in any way I can. But why leave Washington I'm sure Edward or your adoptive parents will help you"

My heart throbbed when she mentioned Edward's name

"It's complicated Rose. I'll explain to you when I get to Chicago but Washington is no longer home to me."

"I understand Bella. So when can I expect you?"

"I haven't planned that far ahead Rose. I'm...I'm not even saying goodbye to anyone. I'm going to stay in a hotel tonight that way no one knows where I'm at. Then first thing in the morning, I'll close my bank account and hop on a bus to Chicago."

I checked myself into a motel near the bus station and just laid on the bed crying my heart out. I cried for my unborn child and the lost of the love of my life.

During the course of crying I heard my cell phone going off. I reached into my bag to answer it thinking it was Rosalie but as I looked at the caller ID my heart went numb as Edward's face flashed across the screen. My heart screamed at me to answer it but my mind was already made it.

It'll be harder to let go if I were to answer his calls now. I know myself my resolve will fucking crumble.

I just held the phone to my heart shaking mumbling repeatedly 'I'm so sorry Edward, please forgive, I love you.'

The call went straight to voicemail and soon after I got a beep informing me I have a message. However the phone just begun ringing again and once again it was Edward calling. He ended up calling over 20 times and leaving just about the same amount voicemails on my phone.

My heart was pleading with me to answer his calls but my mind kept telling it 'you feel the pain where in do you more. He made it clear please; I beg you for our sanity stay stronger and think of the life growing in our womb.'

I curled into a fetal position with my hand on my stomach praying that I was doing the right thing and that everything would work out okay.

My cell phone started ringing again and I groaned out 'Oh Edward please stop calling you're gonna make my resolve crumble just to hear your voice.'

However it was not Edward calling it was Emmett.

GOD I'M TAKING MYSELF OUT YOUR LIVES PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. I screamed internally

Emmett called a few times and left messages as well. Following Emmett's calls Alice began to call me and I just groaned shutting my phone off letting everything just go to voicemail.

That Bitch is probably calling to gloat in my goddamn misery.

Eventually I managed to cry myself to sleep but my dreams haunted me and I barely gotten over 4 hours of sleep.

I just sat on the bed just wallowing in my sorrows waiting for the bank to open.

Once the bank was open I had taken care of everything I needed to and called my cell phone provider to shut my phone off without even bothering to listen to the messages because it would be hard to listen to those messages that Edward had left.

Getting on that bus was extremely hard especially once the bus got to the sign that said 'Now Leaving Washington. Please come again.'

When I saw that sign I became hysterical and started breaking down on the back of the bus. I didn't care about the looks of pity some of the passengers were giving me because they wouldn't begin to understand my pain.

When a passenger asks if I was okay, I simply responded 'I leaving the only place I ever knew as home forever just a bit emotion.'

Eventually I was all cried out but the pain was still there and the further the bus moved away from my home and my Edward, I slowly began to feel the numbness set in.

When I gotten off the bus Rosalie was waiting there for me with open arms and tears I thought I no longer had I began to shed in her arms. "Rosalie I lost him" I kept repeating.

We stood there as she comforts me telling me to let it all out and I could careless to the fact that I was in public. When you feel you lost everything what's the point in being embarrass?

Once Rose gotten me back to her place, she curled up into bed with me while I told her my sobbed story. She was so pissed off at Edward's actions but I defended him and explained to her how he wasn't at fault; and how I knew this day would come one day but never would I imagine it would be like this. I also let her know all the things I had put Edward through throughout the years and she understood my point in escaping; even though she may not agree with me not wanting to tell Edward. She felt he deserve to know.

I didn't deny the fact either. I just told her let me get myself better first and work up the nerves to face him. She agreed solemnly.

However as the months proceed I never found the strength even with therapy.

I just kept journals, wrote him letters everyday and documented every day of my pregnancy.

At one point I completely pushed Edward to the back of my mind because the stress was affecting my pregnancy and I refused to put my babies in harm cause of my selfishness.

After my babies were born I went through postpartum depression. I couldn't even look or even hold my children at first.

Everyone told me it was normal for new mothers to go through this but I didn't want to believe it. I knew the root of my issues where due to the fact Edward was not in my life, the pain I caused him throughout the years, the pain I'm causing him now by not telling him he's a father but also the pain of my past in general.

My heart cried out for Edward but I was too scared to contact him because I just knew he wanted nothing to do with me.

Another thing that hurt was that as I looked upon my babies I saw him dominate in their features.

After about a week from their birth I got over the fear of holding them because they were too innocent and didn't deserve that. But over the next 3 months I was still consumed by my guilt and fears.

Shit

This case is going to bring up that fact that I was treated for depression.

And I'm not talking about postpartum either. After 3 months I sort out help and through therapy I was diagnose with Dysthymia.

A disorder that apparent was cause by everything I went through during childhood.

My doctor also thought while I may have been diagnose with postpartum it was not the root of my issues, fears and guilt.

My therapist wanted to put me on medication but I knew myself as a former addict I would become addicted to the pills. Plus I was pumping at the time and I wanted my children to have to nutrients that came from breast milk.

So in the end I went through 2 1/2 years of intense psychotherapy.

However even with the therapy I couldn't face Edward. Too much time had passed and I didn't want to lose my children which I knew was a possibility back then

FLASHBACK ENDS

I was pulled out my turmoil by the ringing of my cell phone. I heard the ringtone and knew immediately who it was and I knew I had to answer the phone even in my current state.

"Rosalie I need you it hurts too badly" I sobbed

"BELLY what's wrong? Where are you?"

"The pain Rosie, it hurts too much. I cannot live through this, this time around. Please make it stop Rosie." I cried while clutching my chest.

"Bella stay with me here where are you sweetie?"

"Rosie please make it stop."

"Fuck" I heard her mumble in a whisper over the phone.

"Bella I want to help you but you have to focus enough to tell me where you are okay Belly?"

I vaguely recall telling her where I was and her telling me she has the kids with her; and how she knew I wouldn't want them to see me like that so she was sending someone out there to help me.

For some reason I nodded my head as if she can see that before hanging up and curling myself into a ball over the driver and passenger seat.

I was too caught up in my pain and sobs that I wasn't even aware someone was with me till the pick me up and held me in their lap.

It reminded me of the way of the way Edward use to comfort me so I cried out his name "Edward?"

I heard the person sigh before they answered "No Bella its Emmett, Rosalie sent me to get you."

I cling to Emmett like he was my life support "Oh god Emmett it hurts and it's all my fault" I sobbed into his chest

"What hurts Bella?"

"My heart Emmett, My heart and it's my entire fault."

"Bella its nonsense none of this is your fault baby girl."

"YES IT IS DAMNIT" I shouted while pounding my fist into his chest

"Don't you see had I fought harder back then to make Edward listen, or answer my phone when you guys called or confessed to him that I was madly in love with him back then none of this would be happening right now?

My children, I and Edward would be happy and a family if I wasn't so fucked up in the head. And it's my entire fault.

And…..And this Edward is a stranger…He's sooo different but my heart still belongs to him Emmett. I want my Edward back but he's too far gone and hates me now. Plus he lets those bitches control his life and I'm going to lose the only pieces of him I have left which are my babies.

Emmett they're the only part of him I have left and I cannot lose them. They kept me sane throughout the years and dulled the pain of losing him but Emmett right now I'm so lost.

Make it stop please Emmett

Just make it stop. I cannot handle it. I'm too weak to handle it.

Just make it stop

Please

Please"

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

I felt a pinch in my arm before blackness overcame me.

A/N

Writing this chapter has left me emotionally drain seriously I never knew writing it would be so hard in so many ways.

Hit or Miss?

Bella's in a very weak and emotional place as you can tell right now; and as you can see to her time doesn't heal all wounds.

Bella's epiphany~ She never mourned Edward. She may have talked about him to others but she never truly gotten over losing him because in her way of thinking at the time she still had a piece of him in her children and by living in Chicago. Also she held onto to hope that one day things just might be right with them and that he'll forgive her eventually. So she has 5 ½ years of build up regrets, she still has her guilt, her unconditional love for him, the pain she feels she's cause him throughout the years and now; plus Bella has to deal with the threat of losing her kids, and this knew Edward whose foreign to her.

I may have more chapters posted later I'm working on 2 different ones.

Okay a warning for possible the next 4-5 chapters Bella will be tempted to give into her weakness.

Plus there is going to be a very disturbing chapter coming up which releases lots of pain, love, regret, anguish and all that jazz. (NO IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH JASPER. I JUST LIKE THAT PHRASE)