If It Meant Living - Chapter 25

"Jack"

Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." This story is (mostly) canonical with respect to the major events, but new scenes are added and dialogue is often modified. The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.

Chapter Note: Language Warning. I'm adding an additional "strong language" warning here. It is a chapter about Jack, after all, you probably shouldn't expect anything less. I don't think I need to bump the entire story up to an "M" rating for a bit of extra language, but…you have been warned.

PERSONAL JOURNAL OF COMMANDER GRACEYN SHEPARD

CATEGORY: SR-2 Team Members

SUBJECT: Jack

LAST UPDATE: 20 days before Activation of Omega-4 Relay

FIRST ENTRY: 2 months, 13 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay

Good god almighty, what the fuck was the Insufferable Man thinking asking me to bring "Jack" on board this ship? He's the one that spent two billion credits building the damn thing, then he okays the addition of a "team member" that is liable to blow the ship up the next time she gets pissed off?

Maybe Garrus was right; maybe I should have left her to die on Purgatory…

But I couldn't do that. While I never – ever – would have chosen Jack for my team if I had known what she…is – I feel as though she became my responsibility the minute I stepped on to Purgatory and triggered a chain of events that resulted in total destruction of the floating prison.

We finally caught up with Purgatory; it turns out that it periodically jumps to random systems in an effort to prevent being tracked; to prevent an attack. I took Garrus with me, in an ultimately misguided attempt at mental therapy, and Miranda, because I already had a bad feeling about this particular acquisition and wanted to be sure Miranda witnessed any…difficulties.

Things started off on a lovely note when the Warden attempted to confiscate our weapons for the duration of our visit. Now, I understand the concern – I really do. On a ship full of killers, it only takes one slip-up, one moment of inattention, and a vicious murderer with a powerful motivation has a deadly weapon.

But we were not the type to have a slip-up.

And I believe I mentioned that my rule about trying to kill anything that was shooting at me was back in full force and effect? Got to have a gun to do that. And since the Warden was going to try and abduct us and his guards were going to start shooting at us in a few short minutes, on the whole a wise inclination on my part.

So Commander Fucking Shepard won that little game of chicken. Seemingly appropriately cowed, Warden Kuril gave us a little tour and aggrandized about the philosophy behind Purgatory. Which ultimately boiled down to extorting governments with the threat of releasing deadly criminals back on to gravitated soil, but that's picking points.

Then I asked about Jack; probably a mistake, though a good heads-up.

"Cerberus hasn't told you? Jack is the meanest handful of violence and hate I've ever encountered. Dangerous, crazy and very powerful. You'll see soon enough."

Excellent.

The Warden left us to ostensibly check on the Cerberus funds – the most important part of Purgatory's operation, after all. We shared some tender moments with some of the finer inhabitants of the facility on the way to the out-processing room, then promptly were met with the double-cross that we all should have seen coming except for its too- narrow-mindedly-stupid-to-actually-be-tried nature.

As we stepped through the door Warden Kuril came over the loudspeaker. "I'm sorry Shepard, it turns out you're worth a whole lot more as a prisoner."

I let out a dramatic sigh. Did this two-bit prison guard seriously think he stood a snowball's chance in hell of successfully holding me prisoner for money? Still, it was going to be a royal pain in my ass to have to shoot all. those. guards.

I started to make an obnoxious wisecrack on the way to cover, when Garrus strode out and started shouting up at the loudspeaker.

"You talked up your noble intentions, but you're just a criminal like the rest of them! Worse than them, because you hide behind a façade of respectability and honor! You're the worst kind of scum there is – a traitor! I'll take pleasure in – " The first wave of guards, complete with droid and Varren companions, came down the hall and into the room. Garrus just stood there in the open – enraged and apparently convinced that his righteous indignation and rage would protect him from the incoming fire.

"Garrus! Get your ass down!" I sighted the sniper rifle and took out the first to hit the door, but he had friends. Miranda set about confounding the droids, but we needed Garrus to be fucking shooting – and also, not dead. "Garrus, now!"

He shook his head roughly, turned to look at me, then jumped when a bullet whizzed past him. That, finally, shook him out of his righteous-anger-fueled state, and he slid into cover. I dropped my head against the desk for just a second. Thank god.

Now that we were all properly focused, we set about disposing of the variety of guards and their companions. As a rule the guards were good shots – it wasn't entirely easy. But once we able to fight our way out of the trap that had been laid for us, it was easier.

We made our way to one of the control rooms overlooking the maximum security wing – cryo storage. Garrus secured the door behind us then we all walked up to the control panel and stared at it in silence for a moment.

Eventually Miranda idly commented. "Press that button and you let every killer in there loose."

"Yeah…" I remarked.

"We could just leave him…" Garrus suggested.

"Yeah…on the other hand, we did come all this way."

I glanced over at Miranda. "Is there any other way to get Jack out?"

"Not that I can see. I'm sure there's a much more…helpful…control panel somewhere, but I doubt we'll find it easily, if at all."

I pondered for a moment, then nodded. "Okay then." I reached over and casually slid the lock from red to green.

While there wasn't a way to unlock individual cells from here, there was a handy listing of the inhabitants of each cell. We watched as Jack's cryo-storage unit rose up and slowly opened.

The steam slowly cleared to reveal…a girl. Of sorts. Tattoos of an infinite variety covered fully 80% of her exceedingly exposed body. She was skinny and tall, all elbows and limbs.

Garrus' jaw dropped. "That's…Jack…?"

I sighed audibly. "Apparently."

Short version – we killed the few guards left standing in the wake of Jack's path of destruction through the ship. Jack was a rampaging machine, with one goal – getting out. And she was powerful. She left the Warden for us though; it was a pain in the ass, but we killed him too.

We finally caught up with her in a passageway almost back to the Normandy. As we came around the corner we found Jack plus three guards. Jack quickly had two of them under control, but the third was a fair space apart and she couldn't catch him in her truly massive mass effect field. He was lowering a high-powered rifle on her when we arrived. Without even pausing I threw him against the wall and didn't stop to watch as he crumpled to the floor.

Jack turned from the two bodies she had created. "What the hell do you want?"

This was going to be fun. Possibly also hard. But I had, on occasion, run across her type. In the short term – though probably not in the long term – she respected one thing. Power.

"I just saved your ass. Show some respect."

"He was already dead. He just didn't know it. I say again – what the hell do you want?"

I showed the slightest hint of hardened compassion. "You're in a bad situation, and I'm here to get you out of it."

She spat. I groaned inwardly. "Shit, you sound like a pussy. I'm not going anywhere with you." She looked out at the SR-2 docked outside. "You're Cerberus."

"Jack, I'm here to ask for your help."

"You show up in a Cerberus frigate to take me away somewhere – you think I'm stupid?"

Well, yes, though not exactly in the way she meant. But there was at least one way in which she was assuredly not stupid. She wanted to live. And that, I respected.

"This ship is going down in flames. We can get you to safety – and as a bonus, we're asking for your help."

Garrus, who had been fidgeting in agitation since we had gotten to the docking bay, finally blurted out the thoughts harassing him. "Shepard, do you really want to do this? She's…crazy! And a criminal – a killer!"

Goddammit, Garrus. Not. the. time. I growled at him. "Yes, Garrus, I'm sure."

"But Commander – "

"Not now, Garrus!"

He dropped his head to his chin. "…Yes, Commander."

Jack was pacing back and forth in the confined space. The windows were starting to warp from the biotic overflow she was throwing off.

Miranda, who had never stopped having a gun trained on Jack, looked over at me. "We could just knock her out."

I sighed in abject exasperation. The problem with having really talented, intelligent teammates was that they had a propensity to have opinions of their own at the worst possible times.

I muttered under my breath. "We're not going to knock her out."

She tried to hide it, but Jack was increasingly noticing the flames, the explosions, the deteriorating trajectory of the prison ship. She broke the tiniest bit. "Look – you want me to come with you, make it worth my while."

Finally, some progress. "Join my team and I'll do what I can for you."

She spat. "Don't make promises you can't keep. I bet that ship has lots of Cerberus databases. You want me on your team? Let me go through those databases."

Well that at least was easy. "Done."

Miranda exploded. "Shepard, you are not authorized to do that!"

"Awww, it upsets the cheerleader – even better."

I stared over at Miranda. Calm, controlled, and deadly serious. "Miranda, this is the deal we have. Take it or leave it. Your choice." Of course she would take it. The Illusive Man believed Jack should be a team member – and he was a wise and sage leader who knew better than she.

She closed her eyes for the briefest moment. "Alright."

Jack smiled a predatory, triumphant grin. "So what are we doing standing here? Let's get the fuck off this piece of scrap."

I let out a long breath. This was going to be…not…fun.

SECOND ENTRY: 2 months, 7 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay

I stared at the datapad, my face scrunched up in an expression of confusion. Why couldn't all species use the same encryption systems? It was going to be hard enough learning to recognize each one of the roughly two dozen common encryption techniques, much less learning to hack them. I dropped my head back on the pillow. I really should have enough on my mind, enough to consider, enough to plan, enough to study, enough to track, without adding this little project to the load…

I closed my eyes. It would be so much easier if Kaidan were here – he could handle all this tech stuff and I – we – could rather more enjoy this ostensibly free time…

"Commander? I trust I am not disturbing you; sensors indicate the lights are partially illuminated, thus you are likely awake."

"Yes, EDI, I'm awake. What do you need?"

"The night-shift cleaning staff is reporting loud noises coming from the lower level; I have run diagnostics and have not discovered any mechanical issues that would cause sounds of the nature they are describing."

Jack.

I sighed. "Okay, EDI, I'll look into it. Thank you for the heads up."

"Of course, Commander."

I started down the stairs to Lower Engineering, aka "the Basement." Clang! I stopped and took a deep breath. Bang!

I headed in – only to dodge a datapad as it whizzed past me and slammed into the stairwell. Clang-Clang-Clang! I leaned against the wall casually and raised an eyebrow at her. "Something…wrong?"

She jumped up on to her cot and leaned back on her knees. "Nah. Just letting off some steam."

"It's two in the morning, Jack."

"What do ya fucking know…did I interrupt your beauty sleep? Did I interrupt the cheerleader's beauty sleep? Cause that would make me happy."

"Jack, why are you throwing datapads at the wall?"

She jumped off the bed and started pacing, her movements resembling a predatory cat. "I was reading some of the Cerberus files. They made me think about the shit Cerberus did to me. I got angry, so I threw the datapad. I liked the noise it made. So I picked up another datapad, and imagined it was the crew of the freighter that picked me up when I escaped form Teltin – they fucked me, abused me, then sold me – and I smashed it against the wall. Picked up another one, saw the cult I joined – they used me in a different way – you get the idea. I got a lot of demons."

She looked over at me. "Luckily I got a lot of datapads."

"Or…you could try talking about it with someone…someone else who also happens to be awake at two in the morning."

"Don't try to be my buddy Shepard. You need me to kill for you; I need you for these Cerberus files. That's all we are ever going to be to each other."

"I see. What happens when you find what you're looking for in those files?"

She smiled, though it more closely resembled a sneer. "I go hunting. Anyone who screwed with me pays. Their associates pay. Their friends pay. The galaxy's going to be a lot emptier when I'm done."

I kept my relaxed posture; I didn't need physical intimidation to make my point. "I won't let you go on a killing spree, Jack."

"Oh, don't get your panties in a twist Shepard – I'm here for your mission. But after that, all bets are off."

I looked at her speculatively. "What the hell did Cerberus do to you to make you so damn angry?"

"They raised me in a 'research facility', they called it. It was a motherfucking torture prison. I don't know where I came from before that – my first memory is of my room there. But I showed them. I escaped, even though I was just a kid. And soon, I will make them pay."

"You think about this a lot, don't you?"

"I go to sleep with it. I wake up with it. Every person I kill, I pretend it's one of those that did this to me." She sat down on the cot then looked up at me. "Your Cerberus friends are some sick bastards, Shepard. Wouldn't have figured it from you…you don't seem the type."

I glared at her. "They are not my friends."

"Could've fooled me. Their ship. Their crew. The Illusive Man points and you scurry. I got that about right?"

"Fuck you, Jack."

"Fuck you too, Shepard."

I turned to go. "No more throwing datapads. You want to take out your frustrations, hit a pillow. Quietly. Understand?"

"Whatever."

"Jack…"

"Yeah, yeah, I got you. It was losing the thrill anyway."

And now I sit here at this terminal. And I'm afraid she may be right.

THIRD ENTRY: 1 months, 21 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay

"I found them, Shepard."

I looked up from my dinner plate. "Found what, Jack?"

"The coordinates. I know where Teltin is – it's on Pragia, it's – "

"Slow down, Jack. In fact, why don't we go…" – I thought better of letting Jack into my quarters – "…down to your space?"

"Okay. Fine." She paced back and forth behind me, hands fidgeting.

Downstairs she didn't settle down any. She was pacing so fast it was making me dizzy to watch her.

"I got thoughts, like little bugs crawling around in my head. I can't stop them. Like I told you before, first think I remember is my room in that place. They did experiments on me. The doctors, the other kids, every one of them hated me. They let me suffer."

"What did they hope to gain by torturing a little girl?"

"Something about pain breaking down barriers and making for a stronger biotic."

I raised an eyebrow. "Just to see if they could make a strong biotic? That's it?"

"How the fuck do I know, Shepard? I was a little girl crying in a cell, begging for the pain to stop."

"And you did, Jack. You got away."

"Yeah. There was…some kind of emergency, and I made a break for it. I killed everything in front of me and ran." She stopped and stared at the floor. "But I didn't escape" she whispered.

"Are you absolutely certain that Cerberus was running this place?"

"I was a kid, but I wasn't dumb – I knew how to listen. It was Cerberus. They thought they were so clever. Turns out, mess with someone's head enough and you can turn a scared kid into an all-powerful bitch. Fucking idiots."

Well, at least I finally knew why the Illusive Man had suggested Jack for the team. He created her. Bastard.

"Shepard, I want to go there. I want to go to the middle of my room. I want to deploy a big fucking bomb and watch from orbit when it blows to hell."

I sighed. "Jack, as appealing as blowing up a Cerberus facility may be…" – to me, I didn't add aloud – "…attacking our benefactor when we haven't completed this mission is probably not the smartest idea."

"The facility was shut down years ago, abandoned after I escaped – it said so in the files. They going to care if I blow up a garbage dump?"

"Jack, you've lived with this your whole life – why do this now?"

"Because now I can."

I nodded. "Okay. I understand. And we will go. But Jack, we can't go now. We don't know when the Collectors might strike next, and we've got a shit-load of new team members to run around the galaxy 'recruiting', and it seems half the current team has an emergency…and you have a vendetta. Jack, stop and look at me. We will go. But I need you to be patient."

She stared at me for a long moment, then finally nodded. "Okay, Shepard. But I won't wait forever."

And so I add blowing up a Cerberus torture camp for children to my now very, very, very long list of Shit-To-Do-Before-Saving-The-Galaxy.

FOURTH ENTRY: 22 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay

I leaned against the stairway railing. Jack was lying on her cot, hands behind her head, staring at the ceiling. "Wanna go blow up Teltin?"

She looked over at me but otherwise didn't move. "Hell yes."

I just nodded. "EDI will let you know when to get ready."

I definitely wasn't taking Miranda with us; Jack and Miranda could barely be in the same room for ten seconds before trying to kill one another. I wasn't taking Garrus, he was still barely speaking to me after I stopped him from killing Sidonis. I took Kasumi. She was one of the few people who just took Jack, as she did most things, totally in stride. She didn't try to fix Jack, or kill her. If Jack could look outside herself for a moment, she might realize that Kasumi would be a good role model for Jack on how to deal with loss and pain and go on living. I had my doubts, but it was worth a shot.

The shuttle came in low under the cloud cover, the rain cut visibility to near-zero. Jack bounced in her seat.

"I forgot how much I hate this place. Damn it! It was a mistake coming back here, Shepard."

I put a hand on her shoulder, stilling her. "Get a hold of yourself, Jack. It will be okay."

"I'm fine! Okay. Let's just get on the ground already. I want to watch this place burn."

The facility was decaying from years of neglect. Plants and ivy grew everywhere, over the buildings, down the walls, up from cracks in the ground.

For a moment it almost reminded me of Ilos. But it had none of the magic, none of the mystery. And it did not hold the key to saving the galaxy – unfortunately I didn't yet know what did. It was nothing more than a place of evil.

Also, Ilos had included a strikingly handsome biotic with a heart of gold whose playful wink had sent shivers of delight down my spine. Teltin, on the other hand, included a batshit-crazy tattoo-covered biotic disaster whose glare sent shivers of dread down my spine.

I missed Ilos.

We entered a large room with high ceilings and equipment scattered everywhere. Jack stopped in the doorway. "I remember escaping to this room – violently. I saw sunlight through the cracks in the ceiling. Only a half-dead guard between me and freedom." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "He begged for his life…" She stared up at the ceiling as if looking for those rays of sunlight.

"This looks like an arena."

She snapped out of the fugue. "Yeah. They staged fights here, would pit me against the other kids. I loved it. It was practically the only time I was out of my room."

Kasumi looked around the setup in disgust. "Why would they do that? What could they possibly hope to accomplish?"

"Hell if I know, maybe that's how they got their rocks off. I never understood a damn thing that happened here…"

I was trying to work all this out in my head. "Jack, did any of the children die in these fights?"

Oops, wrong question. "Fuck, Shepard! You want to know if I killed any of them? Probably so! I was a kid, filled with drugs – I got shocked when I hesitated – narcotics flooded my veins when I attacked! So guess what – I attacked." She kicked a piece of wreckage and sent it skidding into the wall.

This was…abhorrent. "They rewarded you for attacking?"

She turned to glare at me. "Yes, Shepard. They did. They conditioned me. And it worked. I still get warm feelings during a fight. I still crave the rush."

She spotted a security panel and stormed over to it. It flickered to life and a ghostly, broken voice echoed around the room. "The subjects are out of their cells, they're tearing the place apart! Subject Zero is going to get out – I need authorization to use lethal force." Another voice. "All subjects are expendable except Zero. Keep Jack alive!"

Jack practically ran around in circles. "No – that's not right! I started that riot – I was the cause!"

"Jack, this is a big place. Other things might have happened that you couldn't see."

She whirled around. "The other kids attacked me. The guards attacked me. The automated systems attacked me. They weren't protecting me – they were trying to kill me!"

I met her gaze calmly. "Jack, it's okay. You were a child – "

"You don't get it Shepard." She sounded desperate, lost. "I survived this place because I was tougher than the rest. That's who I am." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "If that…if that isn't true…who am I?"

"You are more than this place, more than what they did to you here."

"Maybe…"

We entered a room lined with flat tables, waist high in height. They looked almost like…

"Oh my god – this was a morgue. These were tables for dead children…for dissecting…dead children…oh…my…god…" Kasumi fell back against the wall in horror.

I started to add a string of curses when a squad of Vorcha and Krogan blasted through the door.

"Jack, I thought this place was deserted!" I yelled as I dove into cover.

Jack didn't dive into cover. She just stood and raged, filling the room with mass effect fields. She glowed a violently bright blue with the effort. Good lord but she was powerful. There were more than enough fields in the room already; I pulled out the rifle and concentrated on those falling outside the singularities bouncing around the room. Kasumi bombarded them with grenades; she couldn't sneak around in there for fear of getting caught up in the fields.

"Jack. Jack, they're all dead. Stop."

She blinked and shook her head. "Right…okay. My room is this way." She turned and walked off.

We walked into her room to find a young man standing in the center, alone and unarmed.

"Who the fuck are you?" Jack shouted.

"I know you, Zero."

"How the fuck do you know me?"

"We all knew your face. They inflicted horrors on us so they wouldn't hurt you." He paused. "You were the question – and I'm still looking for the answer."

"It looks like you weren't the only one pulled back here, Jack."

He chuckled bitterly. "I tried to forget, but a place like this, it doesn't forget you. It follows you wherever you go. So I'm rebuilding it. I'm going to find what they were searching for – how to unlock true biotic potential in humans. It will be beautiful." He stared off in the distance, forgetting us for his delusion.

Jack shoved him to the ground biotically and put her pistol to the back of his head. He didn't resist.

"Jack! What are you doing?"

"He's going to restart the facility! He has to be stopped!"

I moved forward deliberately. "He's crazy and delusional and he's never going to restart this facility. Jack, you've got to let this go…your past does not have to control you. You're stronger than him."

She squeezed her eyes shut; her face contorted as she tried to bring the raging emotion under control. Finally she lowered the gun and turned away in disgust. "Fuck! Go, get out of here!"

She stared after him as he ran into the darkness. "He's not worth it. None of this is." She slowly gazed around the room, at the overturned furniture, at the broken bed. She'd surely try to kill me if she knew I saw, but a single tear rolled slowly down her cheek.

Then she lifted her chin up and turned to me. "Let's blow this place to hell."

She was silent on the shuttle. She was silent as she watched the facility explode in smoke and fire. After another minute I asked her gently. "Jack…you okay?"

She just stared out the window.

FIFTH ENTRY: 20 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay

Not long after we returned, Jack confronted Miranda about Cerberus' actions at the facility. I had to separate them before they collectively blew a hole in the ship.

I don't know…I thought we had made some progress at Teltin; I thought I had started getting through to her. But I have no doubt – she would have killed Miranda if I hadn't stopped her.

Maybe – hopefully – it was simply the final wave of rage triggered by revisiting her horror of a childhood.

I gave her a day and a half to burn off the adrenaline, the emotions. Plus, I needed the sleep.

I found her kicked back on her cot, one leg hiked up, reading a datapad. When she saw me she put it down and wrapped her arms around her knees.

"I…needed to wipe that place off the map. It wasn't enough, but…it was a start. Thank you, Shepard. I owe you."

I sat down on the crate opposite her. "I'm glad I could help you."

She stared off into the distance. To another place. "You don't know what it's like, Shepard. To have garbage like that following you. It marks you in ways you…you don't expect."

"Maybe not. But I've had to make a lot of hard choices, Jack…like what to let go, and…what to hold on to." Hope. Belief. Love. Purpose. Life.

"It's hard to walk away from it. I thought it would be easier now that that place is a crater, but…" Jack shook her head wistfully.

"Well, I have to say, I never thought I'd see you show mercy – but you let that kid live."

She stood up and started pacing slowly, thoughtfully. "He was trapped in the past, reliving it every day." She looked over at me. "You showed me that could be me…but I'm not getting stuck like that. I'm better than him, and I'm not going to carry that crater around with me any longer." She nodded sharply as if to reaffirm the point.

But then she dropped back on to the cot and her head onto her hands. "It's just…I know that place is gone, but…" She looked sideways over at me. "I still kinda want to kill every person I see. No offense."

I dropped my chin to my palm. "Can you at least try really hard to restrain that urge while you're here? Maybe?"

She…did she smile? "Yeah, I think I can do that."

All things considered – for now at least – I really can't ask anything more of Jack than that. So I'll take it.