Chapter 32

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

As the elevator climbed to the tenth floor Eric sighed heavily. Noah's phone call the night before had taken him completely by surprise. It had been only a matter of time before the steriods stopped working but he hadn't expected it to happen so quickly. It was clear from the brief phone call that Patrick had failed to make Noah aware of his diagnosis and if Noah didn't know then it was unlikely he had told Robin.

Patrick was nothing if not predictible in his reactions. He was an immovable force when it came to supporting his friends but at the first sign of trouble for himself, he would run. He had already been a long time running before this happened and Eric worried if he didn't find a way to keep him in place then there would be no catching him.

As he stepped off the elevator he found himself nearly bowled over by a small girl. Having come to a screeching halt by running into his legs, she looked up at him in shock with wide brown eyes. Eric gave her a reassuring smile as he crouched down to her eye level.

"You seem in an awful hurry," he observed softly as he looked around the waiting area and seeing no parent in sight, "you going somewhere?"

"I hate hospitals!" she said stamping her foot. "I wanna go home."

Eric smirked. "I'm a doctor and I'm not a big fan of hospitals eithers" he confided to her. "Where's your mom or dad?"

"She's at the doctor. I wanna go home."

"I'm sure your mom will take you as soon as she's done," he suggested kindly, "do you want sit with me over here and we can wait for her together."

"I'm not supposed to talk to strangers" she told him as she folded her arms across her chest.

"That's a good rule" he told her. "My name is Eric. Why don't we go sit over there" he pointed to the waiting area, "and you can sit on one side of the room and I'll sit on the other?"

The young girl examined him carefully, unsure of his offer. She pulled thoughtfully on her bottom lip while never taking her eyes off of him.

"Kristina!"

At the sound of her mother's agitated voice she slowly turned around and watched as her mother strode towards her.

"What do you think you're doing running off?" she asked, "I asked you to stay and colour in the waiting room"

"I don't wanna be here - I hate it here" she pouted.

Alexis sighed loudly. "I know but sweetheart, I have an appointment and Viola isn't working today - I need you to stay with me." Noticing Eric for the first time, she flashed him an apologetic smile. "I am so sorry - I hope she wasn't bothering you."

Rising to his full height, Eric gave a small smile. "Not at all - she was just telling me how she isn't supposed to talk to strangers - she's very bright."

"Too bright for her own good" she sighed. She was taken aback as Eric reached out and very gently readjusted her wig on her head. "Th-thanks" she stammered, blushing.

"How many rounds of chemo have you had?" he asked.

"Six. I have five more to go but I...I'm sure how I can bear it. I have no appetite, everything hurts and it makes me so tired." The words just stumbled out of her mouth.

He nodded sympathetically. "The halfway part is always the hardest. You need to make sure you get more protein in your diet. Add protein powder to anything you can tolerate. And if chocolate is the only thing you can tolerate or Big Macs - then eat that. A good diet is important but just eating is more so."

"You must be an oncologist"

He shook his head. "Neurologist - but I'm a cancer survivor."

Her eyes widened appreciatively. "You look healthy."

"I am - five years clear. I could give you lots of platitudes about how it's going to get better, how it's always darkest before the light and all that crap but the truth is, it sucks and there aren't any shortcuts. You just need to focus on the small stuff - somedays a victory is just getting out of bed."

Her eyes welled with tears. "You're...you're the first person to be honest like that."

"Eric?"

Turning his head, he smiled as Robin approached. "Hey Robin." Bending down, he pecked her cheek. "Good to see you."

"You too. Are you here for Patrick?" she asked.

For a brief moment he thought that perhaps his friend had done what he said he would do but a quick search of Robin's face showed that she was too happy, too content to know that her boyfriend had a time bomb in his head.

"In a manner of speaking - I'm uh, I'm consulting on a case." Suddenly uncomfortable continuing to propagate the lie, he changed the subject. "I hear you were brilliant last night."

"She was" Alexis concurred as Robin blushed. "The whole town is still buzzing about how honest and amazing she was."

Robin looked from Alexis to Eric and back. "I didn't realize you guys knew each other."

"We don't" Eric laughed, "we hadn't got around to introductions. He extended his hand to Alexis. "I'm Eric Smitherman."

"Alexis, Alexis Davis" she stammered.

"Well Alexis, Alexis Davis, it was nice to meet you. And you too Kristina." He turned back to Robin "I'm supposed to meet Pansty in radiology - it's this floor, right?"

"Yeah - down the hall and to your left. Are you staying for a while?"

"A day or two - maybe we could all grab dinner tonight?"

"I'd like that."

"We'll catch up soon."

With a quick nod to both woman and Kristina, he headed off to find his friend and potentially beat some sense into him.

The tension in exam room was so tense it threatened to knock Eric over as he walked through the door. Patrick and Noah sat on opposite sides of the room. His friend's legs bounced up and down impatiently as he avoided eye contact with his father.

Noah could not take his eyes from his son and Eric immediately recognized the skilful examination of an experienced surgeon. Noah wanted to figure out, needed to know, what was wrong with his son and if Patrick wasn't going to tell him then he would call on his experience to see if he could not arrive at the diagnosis on his own. Eric felt badly for him, knowing there was simply no way he guess the truth.

Patrick looked at the door and felt a wave of relief wash over him as Eric came through. His best friend had been his sanity through some of the most trying times in his young life and now he needed him to do it again.

"Thanks for coming" he said quietly.

Eric nodded as he closed the door. Crossing the floor he shook Noah's hand. "Hi Noah."

"Eric." The older surgeon sat up straighter in the chair. "So what are we dealing with?"

He hoped his voice did not betray his fear. He was doing his best to stay as calm and in control as possible but it had been a sleepless night for him as he imagined every possible scenario that would lead to his son having seizures. None of the scenarios were remotely comforting.

Eric glared at Patrick. "You are not seriously going to make me the one to tell him are you?"

"You're the doctor" he told him with a trace of petulance in his voice, his gaze dropping to the floor.

"You're an ass" he told him honestly before turning his attention back to Noah. "He has a meningioma."

Patrick raised his eyes from the floor and looked at his father expectantly. His reaction, how he took the news was going to be an indication of how he would be in the coming months and Patrick needed to know now whether or not he could trust his father – whether he would run straight to the bottle or stick around. Both options scared him.

All the air rushed from Noah's lungs as he was inundated with memories about his wife and her struggle. This was his son – his baby boy. He had held him only minutes after he had been born; Patrick had wrapped his finger around Noah's and in that moment he had known he was lost and vowed that he would always protect and love him. He had failed and now the universe was telling him there was a price for his failure.

"How…how bad?" he asked as his tongue darted from his mouth moistening his suddenly dry lips.

Eric looked again at his friend who seemed to have suddenly lost his tongue. Hoisting himself up on the exam table, situated literally between them, he exhaled softly.

"It's not great. I had him on steroids and they seemed to be controlling the seizures and the hand tremors but if he had a grand mal seizure last night then they are no longer doing their job. I was hoping to buy us some more time before moving to the next phase."

Noah's knuckles were white as he gripped the arms of the chair. "Surgery?"

Eric shrugged. "I'll need a new MRI to see what we're dealing with. We may have to shrink it before we go in."

Patrick heard the vibrations of their voices swirling around him but he could not hear the words. Lost in his own head space he tried to come to grips with what was happening to him. Clinically it all made sense but he was still unable to process it. He had planned his life so as to avoid any difficult or messy attachments. With the exception of Eric, he had floated in and out of social circles making many acquaintances but never any long lasting friendships.

And then Robin happened. He had tried to keep his distance emotionally; he threw up walls and the occasional land mine disguised as a criticism of the way she lived her life but none of it mattered. She had outmanoeuvred him and absolutely stolen his heart.

And now he was angry that he was so tangled up in others, that how this affected them mattered to him. All he really wanted to do was hide under a rock until it was all over.

Hearing his father call him name, he looked up. "What?"

"I asked how you were feeling."

"Fine" he repeated robotically.

"I know you're in good hands with Eric but if….if you want to talk about it – I'm…I'm here for you."

"I said I was fine" he gritted.

Eric rolled his eyes. "Of course you're fine Pansty. I mean grand mal seizures are just a part of the every day, right?"

He turned his slow simmering anger towards his friend. "What do you want me to say?"

"The truth would be a really nice place to start but you seem to have a hard time with that."

"The truth? Why? So he can have an excuse to dive back into a bottle?" he spat, pointing at his father.

Both Eric and Noah recognized what Patrick could not; that his fear combined with the pressure of the tumour on his brain was short circuiting his emotional responses. Noah was reminded of the same reactions in Mattie. She had done her best to hide it from Patrick but there had been many a fight, shouting match and moments of weeping as the tumour had grown and Noah had born the brunt of it all.

The more life changed, the more it stayed the same.

On unsteady legs, Noah rose to his feet. "I'll leave you two to the MRI – I have an appointment to get to."

"At the bar?" Patrick asked bitterly.

Noah said nothing and simply slipped from the room.

Eric was left shaking his head. "You are an ass, you know that? A complete and total ass."

"You're my doctor, not my conscience."

"I'm your doctor, your friend and if I have to be your fucking conscience too, I will. Look, I get that you're scared and you're angry and that's all really positive but understand something here Pantsy – none of that is a free pass to treat people like crap. Your life sucks right now but you have people who will help you if you let them."

"I'm not telling Robin," he said quietly.

"How the hell do you think you're going to keep this a secret from her? I'm going to up your steroids but we are very likely just weeks away from having to resort to radiation. You think she isn't going to notice?"

"I'll think of something" he mused out loud. "I'll find a way. I can't…I can't have her go through this again."

"You think you're being selfless but you aren't" he challenged. "Tell me Patrick – what are you most afraid of – that when she finds out you're sick she will leave you or that she won't?"

His brown eyes blazed furiously. "What the hell does that mean?"

"It means that maybe, just maybe you'll tell her the truth and she will stay by your side and then you will be forced to fight – you'll be forced to deal with all of rather than hiding from it."

"Karen left you when you were sick" he countered.

"Karen left me because I can't have kids. Karen left me because she didn't want to deal with a boyfriend with one ball. Karen left me because she was scared of me being bald and thin and puking from chemo. But ultimately Karen left me because she didn't love me – not enough."

Sliding off the exam table, he exhaled slowly. "In the five minutes that I've known Robin I can tell you a few things – she loves you – completely, she would do anything for you and she's as caring and compassionate as they come. She is not Karen and I'll thank you to not use my failed relationship as reason to be cowardly."

Patrick rose to his feet. "What the hell?"

"You want to be mad? Then fucking well be mad – but at the right thing Patrick. You gotta fight this thing in your head – tell Robin, accept your father's help and you'll find it will go a whole lot easier." Opening the door, he looked over his shoulder at his friend. "I'll meet you in the MRI room in half an hour."

Patrick sank back in the chair, cradling his head in his hands. He knew every thing that Eric had told him was true. He just didn't know how to do any of it.