Hey guys! Sorry it's taking me so long too update... Look. Don't like? Don't read. For those who actually like my story, thanks so much! Enjoy! I don't own anything!
Austin's gonna be okay, of course. He always is. They said it was nothing major, he's awake, I can go in to see him in a few 're putting him in rehab... They don't really know what to do with him anymore. He's hurt himself too many times and he isn't eating or sleeping. I wonder how he's gonna take it. It's just going to make his life harder for him. "Miss Dawson?" A doctor asks, raising his eyebrows and he nods, letting me know I can go in now. "Did you tell him...?" I trail off and he shakes his head. "Not yet... If you want to you can but... We will tell him if you don't." I nod and walk inside. Austin turns his head from me and I sit down next to him. "It's yours." I say and his head snaps toward me. "What?" He asks weakly and I grab his hand but he pulls back. "The child. It's yours... I haven't even... Well, I haven't even kissed Elliot. I didn't even date with him to begin with. I went on one date with him and realized that I love you too much to let you go even if you weren't coming back." He looks at me in shock and he starts to cry.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?" I begin to panic. I've never seen him cry so hard... So vulnerable... "I-I can't believe... I can't b-believe I s-said that.." I try to interrupt him but he shakes his head. "I had n-no right to say t-that s*** whether I-I thought you did t-that with anyone or not. I-I'm sorry Ally. I r-really am. When I-I said I w-was tired of p-picking up your p-pieces.." A sob cuts him off and I think he began to hyperventilate. "Austin, breathe." I tell him and he lets out another choked sob. "It's b-been the op-opposite for y-years now and I l-love you. I r-really do and even t-though I say stupid things... I do... I lo-love you more than..." He takes a deep breath. "Anything. I don't d-deserve you and I a-always knew t-that. I shouldn't h-have made you do t-this to yourself but.. I guess.. S-since we're not together, it d-doesn't matter a-anymore, does it?" He asks and I grab his hand and kiss his cheeks, where tears fall freely. "I love you. I really do. You're going to be okay. I'm going to be okay and so is Ariana. As long as you're with us. We love each other more than life itself." He scoffs, laughing through his tears. "Obviously..." He gestures to himself and I grab his hand.
"But Austin... This was the last time... They're putting you in rehab..." I whisper and he stares at me in shock. "Can they even do that?" I nod, tears slipping from my own eyes. "So... Whether we're together or not, I can't be with you..." He toys with my left hand, rubbing where my ring should be which makes me start to sob. "I... I don't know what came over me. The ring..." He doesn't let me finish as he grabs my hand. "There's a trap so the ring will still be there.." I cry even harder and sigh as I kiss him. "That was long needed..." He laughs and agrees with me. "Ally... Maybe... If I'm going to rehab, maybe you shouldn't be with me... I mean-" I cut him off. "We're together. That's final. Got it? Good. Now... Go sleep..." He laughs and shakes his head. "I'm not tired, really." I glare at him and he sighs. "I can see the bags under your eyes Austin. You haven't slept properly since you left. Really Austin? Two hours a night? Not even..." He shrugs and pulls my face to his again, with his right arm, which has a cast. He sighs into the kiss and pulls me from my chair, on top of him but he immediately groans. I quickly jump from him and he looks at me with regret. "I'm sorry, I- I want-" I cut him off with a peck and he smiles. "Have I ever told you that I love you?" He asks and I laugh, nodding. "You hungry?" I ask and he shakes his head. "Nah, not really..." Just then, Mimi comes in.
"Oh my gosh! Austin!" She's crying and he smiles at her, pulling her in for a small hug. "I shouldn't have made you witness that mom... I'm really sorry I just..." She nods and grabs his hand, mouthing 'thank you' to me and I give her a half smile. "Honey, are you hungry?" He shakes his head as he did with me. "Honey..." She turns to me and tells us she'll be back in a minute. Austin gives me a small smile and I grab his hand. "Never again..." He whispers and I laugh. "I know... We're so stupid sometimes... I mean, we know we love each other and we know that we need each other so why do we leave each other? It doesn't make sense. I think we love each other too much." I say laughing and he laughs too, agreeing with me. "Mr. Moon, may I speak to you for a minute? Alone, if you don't mind..." He asks Austin, eyeing me. I nod before Austin can speak and walk outside.
"Mrs. Moon, I-" she cuts me off. "Mimi..." I nod. "I'm really sorry... I-I don't even know where to begin really... I'll never hurt him. Never again. I love him. I really do and I know you probably hate me but... I need him." She laughs a little and puts a hand on my shoulder. "I don't hate you sweety... He never told me what happened though... Will you tell me from the beginning? Everything." I shrug and look at the doctor coming out of Austin's room. "I'll let Austin tell you..." The doctor sighs and looks at us with sympathetic eyes. "Mrs. Moon... Well- both of you are technically- never mind that..." I laugh a little and he sighs. "Austin is... Well- he's anorexic." I freeze and stare at him. "What?" I ask. My pancake loving, food eating monster is anorexic? There's no way... "That's why he's so weak. Try to get him to eat but I doubt he will. He said that he stopped eating because of a loss of appetite but... After a while, when he tried to eat something, he would just throw it back up so he stopped trying. Even if it was the littlest thing. He said its been a little over a month..." I stare at Austin through the window as a tear slips out. "I'm sorry... Oh but he's allowed to walk around, just make sure he's careful." I walk past him and walk inside.
"Austin..." I sob out and he smiles. "You need to eat something..." I whisper and he sighs."I'm not hungry." He insists and I sigh. "Please Austin. Please... He glares at me and puffs. "You are the most dangerous creature I've ever met..." He mumbles (from Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer) and I smile as he grabs the apple on the plate. He makes a disgusted face at it and then looks up at me again. "Please Austin." He glares down at the apple and takes a bite, chewing a second before swallowing it. He looks up at me and hands me the apple. "That wasn't anything." He takes a few more bites before sitting straight up and jogging awkwardly to the bathroom. He throws up, I can hear it and I cry a little more. I walk inside without knocking and see him, on his knees leaning over the toilet. He leans back against the wall and groans. "I'm sorry..." I whisper and he shakes his head. "Don't worry about it..." He whispers back and he looks down at his hands.
"I want to stay home. I don't want to go to rehab Alls..." He whispers. My heart flutters when he calls me Alls. I haven't been called that in awhile. I grab one of his hands. "I know Austin, I know. Maybe I could... I could try to talk to the doctor..." I lean my head against his shoulder and sigh. "I want to see Ariana..." He says and I close my eyes. "I know Austin. I know but you can't see her in the condition you're in." I say and he sighs, pulling away from me a little, dropping my hand from his. "Isn't it better to see her now than when I'm living in a f****** mental hospital?" He asks, a little louder. He didn't scream but it was loud. "Austin, I'm just saying... The condition you're in..." I trail off, not knowing what to say. "What?" He whispers and I sigh. "Don't you think that when she's older, she's gonna ask where I was? Or she'll ask where I am now?" He asks as he scoots farther away from me, my head coming off of his shoulder. "Look, I'm just saying. We're gonna have to tell her that you tried to kill yourself! There's no way around it! She's gonna ask Austin and she'll remember what's happening now. You're her father and no offense, you're not being a good role model for her." I put my hand over my mouth. That was so insensitive. He stands up and pretty much limps to his bed. "Austin, I'm so s-" he cuts me off and sits back down. "Don't. Just don't Ally." My heart thumps inside my chest as I stand in the middle of the room awkwardly. "Can I be alone?" He whispers and I try to apologize. "Stop Ally. I don't want another apology, okay? Please. Just leave me alone..." I nod, turning around and walking out the door.
Austin's POV
I sit on the bed and pull my knees to my chest. I'm so hungry but every time I try to eat, I throw it up. That's why I lied to Ally and my mom. They didn't know but they do now. They don't really know that I'm hungry though, just that I'm anorexic. I know this is gonna sound stupid but... I feel fat. I do. Even if I haven't eaten in a month. I tried to make myself throw up a few times when i first got to my moms but now I can't help it. I just throw up when I take a few bites of anything. I look at the door and sigh. I know I'm not a good role model. I just... I don't know. It just hurt when she said it, I don't know why though. I look at the pizza my mom dropped off for me and sigh, grabbing it. I take a small bite and sigh. I take another bite and groan. I can feel the unsettling feeling in my stomach. Should I eat more? I'm just so hungry... I glare at the door and take another bite. I take a few more before I need to go into the bathroom. I walk there and immediately throw up. "Life can't get any better than this..." I mutter sarcastically to myself, sitting against the wall as I had done with Ally earlier.
A nurse walks in, finding me on the floor. I stand up and I sigh. "Do I have to go to rehab?" I ask her and she nods. "Yes..." I groan and walk out of the bathroom, following her. "There is another option actually." She says, opening a folder and my eyes widen. "Really?" She nods. "Well, you can't go to work either way and you start either one tomorrow." I sigh but nod anyway. "You'd have to go to therapy six hours a day and you'd have to stay in the hospital a few more weeks... At rehab, they'd make you do three hours a day." Ugh, that's worse than rehab! She must have seen it in my face. "It's a lot better than rehab. Really. You're not locked up all day here, just those few hours and you're only here for two months as to rehab, you're there for at least six and less visiting hours." My eyes widen even more if that's possible. "Months?! Gosh, I'm not that messed up!" I groan and nod a thanks to her, sitting back down.
Maybe I am that messed up. Maybe I should just go to rehab. It can't be that bad, really. I guess I will. It's better than sitting in a room for six hours. I'm just not gonna talk. Everything I say makes something go wrong somehow, so why would I continue? Exactly. So that's my plan for the next six months. Rehab for six months and not talking. My feelings hurt less people if I don't speak. According to Ally, I can't see Ariana so I'm not really hurting anyone. She's the only one who wouldn't understand and she doesn't need to because I won't be seeing her. Maybe Ally will realize that I'm no good for her. Move on. Maybe she'll realize that I'm not worth her time. Or Dez's. Or Trish's. She'll realize that she never really loved me. She'll realize that... The less she's with me, the less she'll hurt. Sh- "so, have you made up your mind?" The nurse asks me. I forgot she was there. I nod. "Are you doing the therapy?" I shake my head. "Rehab?" She asks surprised and I nod. She writes something down before leaving me alone again. It's about three in the morning when I pass out. I guess it's about time I sleep a little.
I wake up at five to find Ally and Dez in my room. I roll my eyes. Go home.* I chant in my mind. Trish is probaly watching Ari and Aust. I press the call button for a nurse and she comes immediately. "Are you okay?" She asks and I nod. "You didn't sleep long..." She comments, whispering still, trying not to wake anyone up. "Are you not speaking?" I nod at her comment and she sighs. "Drink? Food?" She guesses and I shake my head. She grabs a dry erase board and marker from the small desk on the side. When does rehab start? I ask and she looks at me questioningly. "Whenever... Why?" She asks and I sigh. Can you take me there now? she sighs. "Don't you want to say goodbye first?" I look at Ally and Dez, sighing and I shake my head. "You should at least leave them a note. They've been here all night." She grabs a paper and pen and I grab it from her. They took me to rehab. Don't worry about me. Try to forget about me, okay? Love you all. ~Austin. I leave it on the bed and look at them both one last time before I leave.
I walk out with the nurse and write something on the whiteboard. I don't want any visitors. How do I do that? She sighs and stops walking. "You should really think about what you're doing." I shake my head and she sighs again. "When someone comes to visit you, someone will tell you that you have a visitor. You can let them in or refuse. Simple as that." I nod and she takes me to the rehab center. It's weird... I have my own room that I'm not allowed to lock. I can't leave but I can ask someone to get me anything from the 'outside world'. I asked someone to get me a book. I'm going to record everyday here in that book, like Ally does. Someone is always outside my door and there's a camera. Therapy... I have it now. I wonder how it's going to work, especially now that I'm not talking. I walk inside and the man smiles at me. "Austin Moon. How are you?" He asks and I stare at him. "Okay, well, I'm going to ask you a question and you'll write down the answer." I nod at him and I write something down on the board. Can I write it in my book? He nods and then he begins.
"When did you first begin self harm?" I take a deep breath. I started to cut myself when I was twelve. My grandpa had died. I stopped two years later, when I was fourteen, when I started dating Ally. He nods.
"When did you start recently?" I bite my lip and sigh. Three years ago. Some man was trying to get her and blackmailing me and I had to go on tour. That's when I started to cut. He ponders for a minute before asking another question.
"When was your first attempt at suicide?" Memories come flooding back as I write. It was the last night of my tour. Ally said something and it made me feel horrible. It was August twenty fifth 2013. Ally was in labor. He pauses.
"What did she say?" My heart clenches at the memory. Ariana, our daughter, was two months early. I had been on tour the whole pregnancy. I told her she did nothing wrong. She asked me how I knew because I wasn't there. I left to call my mom and her dad. Her dad never knew that we were engaged. He didn't know she was pregnant. When I went back inside, she was mad that I told him. She asked me to leave and threw her ring at me. I left and stabbed myself in the hospital bathroom that same night. A tear slips from my eye and he writes everything I did.
"And what about the next time?" This one was bad. This one hurt me the most. It was about a year later. Ally and I were always fighting. I hadn't stopped cutting myself. That day, I cut myself worse then ever before and I clenched my razor in my hand. I needed stitches but never got them. Ally left and told our friend Trish that she was moving. I told her not to. I moved to Miami instead. our other friend, Dez, Trish's husband came out to find me. the next day, Dez was still with me but it was Ariana's second birthday. I called Ally to tell her. She told me I would never be Ariana's father. I stabbed myself in the motel. It went through two of my ribs and into my lung. I was out for three months. Ally had started cutting herself too. Three months after that is when I finally got out if the hospital. He raises his eyebrows at me.
"I heard about when you were kidnapped. What happened?" I sigh and begin to write. I gave Ariana dyslexia. I needed to cool off so I went outside. Some man held me captive. He recorded it and sent it to my family from my phone. He shot me, cut me, punched me. He tried to get some women to rape me. He tried to trick Ally but the cops found the guy when she came. She took me to the hospital later that day. It was three weeks later. I finally got out of the hospital but Ally broke up with me.
"Why?" He asks the most simple yet most complicated question. She had been cutting herself while I was in the hospital. I cut myself when I found out. I knew t was my fault that she was hurting herself. She said we were better off if we forgot about each other completely. She deleted my number, pictures, blocked me, unfollowed me and everything she could to forget me. After I said goodbye to Ariana, I said goodbye to Dez and Trish. Then I left for a hotel.
"What happened then?" I bought cigarettes. I started to smoke that day. I held the lighter to my skin to burn my face. I bought patron and beer. I cringe at the memory but keep writing. I got drunk a lot. It was my first time drinking. I threw up the first time I tried the vodka... Ugh. I shiver in disgust. I guzzled three beers and I guzzled down some patron and vodka while I was on the phone. I squeeze my eyes at the sudden queasiness in my stomach. I called a guy from my high school. He sold drugs. I turn my face away from him in embarrassment as he reads over my shoulder. I got weed from him and a bunch of kinds of tobacco. And marajuana and I kept getting more. I tried to overdose, taking all of my antidepressants at once. He's the only one who didn't judge me. Finally. Ally did the things I did, plus meth. They got into a car accident. Ari forgot who Ally was.
"When was your latest attempt?" I look down at the page angrily. "Last question for the day Austin." I nod and begin to write. I told Ally that I was tired of picking up her pieces. We were fighting. I didn't try to kill myself but I called my mom. I hadn't talked to her in awhile. She told me that my dad was having an affair and that she had moved to Washington so I flew there. I got three jobs. I only had three and a half hours of break out of the full twenty four hour day so I didn't sleep much. I didn't eat either. I tried to make myself throw up a couple of times but now I can't eat at all. Every time I do, I throw up. I'm anorexic. About a month later of being with my mom, Ally called me. She said she was pregnant. She told me she went on a date with this guy named Elliot so I thought it was his. I told her that she was a slut and a b****. That was when I jumped from the fourth floor. And here I am. He nods and smiles a small smile. "We'll talk again tomorrow. Thanks again." I nod and walk out. That wasn't so bad.
I write in my new book when I get back to my room. Well, it's my first day in rehab. I had therapy. Those are all the questions and answers to the ones he asked me ^. I'm not speaking anymore. It's easier this way. I didn't even say goodbye to Ally or Dez. No one is going to want to be friends with someone who refuses to speak so... I guess you're my only friend. I guess it's better. You'll always listen to me when I need to be listened to. You can't judge me in my decisions or feelings or thoughts. You can't be mad if I make any spelling mistakes because of my dyslexia. Or the fact that I told Ally to forget about me in a note. You can't be mad at me for anything. Thanks for listening. ~Austin
I sit down on my bed and look up at the ceiling. I have nothing to do. I sit inside and play with my cast. It's only noon. They should be calling me for lunch soon but I can't eat anyway. Someone knocks and comes in. 'Not hungry' I write and the man shakes his head. "You have a visitor. They said its urgent. I believe her name is Allyson." I sigh and shake my head. I grab a little notepad they gave me and begin to write on it. Please Ally. Forget about me, okay? I don't want you seeing me like this. Ari cant see me like this. You were right. I am a bad role model, sorry I got so mad at you. I can't hurt you anymore. I love you. ~Austin
I hand the man the note and he nods, walking away. He comes back not five minutes later with a note in his hands and he hands it to me. Don't you get that I don't want to forget about you Austin? Please. Don't leave me. It only hurts that you want me out of your life. Is that what you want? If it is, fine. If its not, tell me. The only thing that's hurting me is that you don't want to see me. Talk to me, please. At least one last time. ~Ally
She's trying to kill me. I sigh, writing to him to let her in on my paper. I can't find my marker. "We have to watch on the cameras. We can't hear you but we have to watch for safety reasons." He says and I nod, waiting anxiously for Ally. She walks in awkwardly and the man shuts the door behind her. "Is that what you want?" I shake my head no. "Then... Why?" I sigh, getting up to get a new marker. The man took mine when I gave him my note.. I think. "Talk to me Austin." She says and I sit back down. I can't keep hurting you. I write and she looks at me in confusion. "You're not hurting me Austin!" I sigh and look down at the board again, erasing what I previously wrote. It sure feels like it. She sighs and grabs my hand. "Speak to me." I shake my head. "Please..." She begs me and I repeatedly tell her no before she gives up. "How was therapy?" She asks me and I shrug. "What'd he ask you?" I silently groan and grab my board again. I don't want to talk about it right now, if that's okay. She sighs but nods anyway. "
You'll be out of here soon..." She whispers and I roll my eyes. You obviously don't know how long I'll be in here... I write to her and she sits next to me on the bed. "No I don't." I shrug and write down the number six. "Six days? That's it?" I shake my head. "Oh, six weeks... That's okay I guess." I sigh angrily and write on the board. Im in here for at least six months. She reads it and gasps. I write again. Six months is a long time. Move on. I'll be fine. You'll be better without me. Really. Tears fall from her eyes and she comes closer to me to hug me. "I'm not moving on Austin! D*** it, you don't understand that I love you! Why not?!" She screams and I turn away from her, writing again. Because you shouldn't love me. She rolls her eyes and tries to speak but gets cut off. "You've been here for an hour. Sorry." I nod and so does she, stomping outside angrily. I turn to write in my book.
Hey... Ally just came to talk to me. We fought and she left angrily. Why does Ally want to be so... Stubborn? She can have a better life without me and so can Ariana. I am a horrible role model, just like Ally said. Who wants to grow up with a fricken suicidal father anyway? A man that missed their birth or some of the most important moments in their life? A man that did drugs? A man that was so messed up in the head, that they had to go to rehab? I'm really a horrible father and fiancé. Ally is going to move on. I'm not letting her in anymore. I'm literally ruining her life. It's going to stop. Starting today. As of now... I'm a single man and she's a single woman. She's free of me. Thanks for listening... Again. ~Austin
I stay seated on the bed and look around. Being on tour was better than this and those were the worst seven months of my life. I wish... I wish I had a knife or scissor or blade or... Or something. I wish I could hurt myself without being watched. Knock knock. Really? This is going to be my everyday. "A man named Dez wants to see you." I silently groan, grabbing the notepad again. Dez, I made up my mind. I'm going to be in here for six months. That's enough time for all of you to move on. I decided this for the better of you guys and especially Ariana and the baby on the way. I'll never see you guys again. I'll be fine. You'll be fine. Please help Ally out, okay? I can't be there with her and I can't help her so please, help her out. This is my last favor of all of you guys. Be happy. Be what I can't be. Be what I want to be. Be happy. I love you guys but this way is better. ~Austin I hand the man the note and not a minute later, Dez comes storming through the door.
"Ally fricken needs you but you don't give a d***. I'm so done with you! You're... You're always an a****** now! I can't stand you anymore. You need to think about everyone else's feelings too! Ally's going to be fricken heart broken and your two kids are going to have to live without a dad! You don't deserve Ally. You aren't fit to be a father. I should've just let you kill yourself!" He lunges toward me and punches me in the face. I let him. He hits me again and again until someone rushes in and pulls him off of me. D*** it. I still have a small concussion from when I jumped. I stay on the floor and squeeze my eyes shut. I see stars and everything is swirling around. "What do you have to say for yourself?!" He screams and I lean my head back in pain. "What? Got nothing to say you a******?!" He kicks me in the leg, where my boot is and I grab my leg in pain. "He hasn't spoken since this morning." The man holding onto him says. I see Dez's expression shift dramatically as his red, angry face turns white with sympathetic eyes. They shift back. "I wish you were dead. I wish we never met. Go burn in h***." He spits at me and turns away from me, walking out.
Someone tries to help me up but I push them away. I stay seated on the floor and grab my book from the bed. Dear Book... Well, Dez just came in here. He cursed me out. He called me an a******. He told me I didn't deserve Ally. He told me... He told me that I wasn't fit to be a father. He told me that he should've let me kill myself. He told me to burn in h***. He said that he wished we had never met and that he wishes I was dead. He beat me up. I'm glad he did. I needed some sense knocked into me but that doesn't change my decision. Everything he said was right. I'm an a******. I'm always mean or rude or straight up obnoxious. I don't deserve Ally. She's beautiful, funny, talented, amazing, nice... She's perfect in every way and I'm me. The anorexic and suicidal a****** that hates himself and his life. I'm not fit to be a father. I missed Ally's pregnancy for tour. I missed her birth. I missed her second birthday. I missed only God knows what in the past month and I gave her dyslexia. He really should have let me kill myself. Look where I am now! I'm is rehab. As for the burn in h***, I will eventually. I wish I was dead too! D***! If it wasn't for him, I would be! I wish we never met. That'd just be one less person I hurt. One less person I need to leave. The one person who agrees with me. Who would give me what I want. The one person I'll admire forever. I'll never forget him. I'll never forget the things he did for me. I never will. That's one less person that will be upset about forgetting me. He may hate me. He may want to kill me. I'll never forget him. I'll always love him as a brother and as a best friend even though he doesn't think that I do.
Anyway... I'm starving. Every time I take a bite, I throw up. I guess it's really not worth it. At least I have a way to cause pain for myself. Eat. Wow, that a weird way... But I guess it's true. I guess it's just a matter of time that I die because I throw up everything. That's a relief. It almost feels as if I'll never die but it's impossible to eat without food so... That's my plan. Die of starvation... I'm almost there anyway. I don't really have anything to do here. Only to write, which I'm constantly doing now. It's kind of like having a conversation, you know? But better. I get all of my feelings out of my system without being fricken pounced on by my best friend. Ugh. Someone's knocking. I'll write in you later. Thanks again. ~Austin
A woman walks in, she looks like a nurse. "Lights out.." I raise my eyebrows at her in surprise. Bedtime? I write and she nods. "For patients" I cringe at the word. "who haven't been sleeping have a bedtime. That includes you." I roll my eyes but nod anyway. I stand up and get on the bed, almost tipping over for, dizziness. She turns of the light and I climb in bed, not falling asleep until three in the morning.