Michelle hadn't realised how much she had gotten used to Carla shutting her out until she finally started to let her in. Carla hadn't wanted to talk about it when she asked Michelle to take her to her counselling appointment, she just asked her if she was free and requested a lift and then refused to say anything more about it. Michelle had taken it as a sign of progress though, the fact that she'd been honest and upfront about what she needed it for
She sighed quietly to herself and shifts around on the black sofa. She was the only person in here, Carla had disappeared behind a door around thirty-three minutes ago. She's been staring blankly down at her phone ever since. She couldn't help but think about Steve, how she had failed to notice his cries for help until it got too late and he too received counselling. How could she let someone she loved get into this mess again?
The door to the office swings open and she scrambles to her feet as Carla stalks across the room, her long hair falling over her shoulder as she pulls her jacket on
Lets go," she says, and struts right past her, leaving Michelle running as she catches up with her.
"Carla, wait." She catches her by the wrist as they walk out of the waiting room and into a hallway. "Hey, how was it, are you okay?"
"I'm fine," she says shortly, walking towards the main door. "It was fine."
Michelle bites her lower lip, fighting all of her instincts to push back at her until she opens up, because she gets that this is a big deal for her, especially for her, because Carla's the kind of person that views needing help as some kind of weakness and she knows that just her presence makes it harder for her to pretend like she didn't just spend the last half an hour talking about personal things with a stranger
"Sorry. It was just exhausting, I guess."
"Hey," Michelle whispers quietly. "It's ok if you don't want to talk about it right now but I just want you to know, I'm so proud of you for doing this" She places a hand on Carla's arm, and even under her jacket she can feel how her elbow cruelly juts out, a subltle reminder how just how fragile Carla really is
They make their way down to the end of the corridor and leave through the double doors, the cold air hitting them as they step outside into the crisp autumn afternoon, it had gotten alot cooler since Carla had started today's session. Michelle forces herself to stay quiet, to give Carla time to work out whatever is going on in her head, knowing that pressuring her to talk only makes her anxious and irritated so she just watches her - her green eyes darting from side to side, the way the afternoon sunlight sets her hair on fire. They finally reach the car and Michelle starts the engine and glances over at Carla who looks at the clock on the dashboard and then at her
"Nick will be finishing work now, we could meet him at the Bistro, maybe get some lunch" Carla finally says. She's been making slow measurable progress over the last month but it's been an up and down sort of thing. Nick had persuaded to her to have some pizza the other night and she hadn't touched processed carbs for a week after.
"Not that I'm complaining about having lunch with you its just, any reason you're suggesting this?" She hadn't suggested eating out with Michelle for a long time, and she can't help but be a little shocked
Carla sighs and shifts in her seat "I have to, as part of my therapy..." she glares out of the window "Honestly I'd really rather not but was my therapist's suggestion. I'm supposed to practice my trust, and part of my recovery is that I can enjoy myself with friends. Bonus points if it includes food"
"I think its a great idea" Michelle gives her a reassuring smile as she pulls out into the street. She leans back into her seat as Carla turns the radio up, absentmindedly tapping a finger on the steering wheel to the rhythm as she drives
"Have you seen Aiden much recently? Apparently Jonny is coming for a visit"
"Is he? I think the last time I saw him we were still kids"
"You haven't seen them since then?" Michelle asks in disbelief
"Not after.." Carla stops, shoulders hunched, looking uncharacteristically vulnerable
"Carla?"
"It's nothing, don't worry about it" Carla stares distantly off at the sky, the sun is shining through the trees, making everything tinge with gold
"Stop it. Stop pushing me away" Michelle sighs and looks side ways to her friend "Talk to me"
"He used to come visit us sometimes, take me out for milkshakes and things when our Mam and George had drunk themselves into oblivion" Carla shakes her head at the thought of her mother
"Yes, I remember" Michelle says hesitantly, the amount of times that Carla had turned up at hers after numerous arguments she had been dragged into involving Carla's parents
"You were still quite young when they split up"
"Yeah, I was fourteen"
"Do you know why they broke up?"
"They used to fight alot. Always did. I don't think they were ever really happy. But George, he had a problem with Jonny coming round, thought him and Mam had a thing " Carla laughs at the thought
"Your mum and Jonny?" Michelle said in disbelief
"Yeah well, they got into it one night, the three of them. Could hear them shouting so I came out to see what was wrong and uh, my Mam was drunk as usual, and George grabbed me, trying to get me to go back in my room but I didn't want to leave my Mam with him, anyway, I guess he accidentally pushed me because next thing I knew Jonny was standing over me at the bottom of the stairs"
"He pushed you down the stairs?" Michelle stares at Carla, her mouth hanging open like an idiot
"It's okay," she says quickly. "I don't even remember it, I found out way later that it happened. He was drunk, it was an accident."
"It's not okay," she argues, her cheeks hot. "Just because he didn't mean to hurt you doesn't make it okay."
Carla ducks her head a little. "No, I know. I just meant, it was a long time ago."
Michelle feels like her throat is tightening, like she's going to cry
"Hey, its ok" Carla grabs hold of Michelle's hand and gently squeezes "I didn't mean to upset you"
"No. You haven't upset me. Just the thought of someone hurting you, even if it was an accident, that upsets me"
"Anyway, that was the last time I saw Jonny, few days after that Louisa died, I guess he had too much to deal with, his own kids to look after"
"It was a hard time for everyone. Im sorry he stopped seeing you" Michelle adds sadly
"Im ok. It's not like he was totally absent. But I don't think he ever really wanted to just spend time with me. some random kid he was distantly related to"
"His loss" Michelle adds softly "You sure you're really ok?"
"Its in the past isn't it, not much I can change about it now"
"If you ever need to talk, I'm here"
"Yeah," Carla says, and wonders for what feels like the millionth time what on earth she did to deserve a friend like Michelle
He knows she's just trying to avoid talking about what happened in her therapy session but he doesn't really mind, not when she's here with him. It's enough for him right now and he knows how hard she's trying, knows that eventually she'll sit him down and whisper everything that happened in that room, and he'll hold her hand and try to be quiet while she talks and when she's finished he'll wrap his arms around her and tell her how strong she is, how proud he is of her
Nick holds Carla's hand gently, running his thumb over the back of her hand, her skin unbelievably soft "Ok?"
She glances sideways at him, her lips thoughtfully pursed together. "I don't know."
"We don't have to do this right now you know. Not if you're not ready."
"It's not that. It's just… never mind, it's stupid."
"Hey." Nick brushes her hair away from her face and cradles her jaw in his palm, feeling the thump of her pulse in her throat against his fingertips. "Nothing you feel is stupid, ok?"
Carla blinks rapidly at him, her eyes a little teary "Ok."
"Look," he says quietly. "It's ok to be scared."
"I'm not scared," she says quickly
"Ok."
"I'm not," she insists, even as her voice shakes.
"Ok," he says again. "I'm just saying it's ok if you are."
Carla purses her lips and looks away before giving Nick and small but wobbly smile "I'm ready"
Nick leads Carla over to where Michelle has been sat waiting for them, she gives Carla a reassuring nod
"I asked Rob to bring us over our food when its ready, thought it would be easier for you than having to choose something when you've got someone standing over you" Nick whispers to Carla as he pulls a chair for her to sit down
"Don't worry" He adds, like he can read her mind "I just ordered us the chicken salad, something small to begin with this time"
"Thank you" Carla replies softly
"How's Steve?" Nick asks as he pours them all a glass of water
"He's good, keeping busy with the rovers and streetcars" Michelle replies, glancing over at Carla who is staring over towards the kitchen door. Carla feels light headed and can feel her heart beating in her ears, it scares her so much. Next to her Nick knocks his legs against hers "Its going to be alright" He reassures her as they see Rob appear, walking towards them with three plates in hand and sets them down on the table
"You need anything else, give me a shout" Rob smiles, his eyes lingering over Carla for a few seconds. He still can't believe that his now ex girlfriend had caused Carla so much pain. He couldn't help notice just how different she looked
"Thanks" Nick dismisses Rob before he can say anything else. He still hadn't completely forgiven him over Tracy
"So, Nick. Steve tells me you've been discussing doing a takeaway service?" Michelle asks as she reaches for the salad dressing and picks a piece of chicken up with her fork
"Yeah, we're just getting ideas at the moment, possibly using streetcars to do the actual deliveries"
Carla knows they are just trying to distract her from the situation, and she is grateful that they aren't focussing her on . She slowly takes a bite of her food; she chews while counting to ten in her head before catching herself, she's trying to let go of her obsessive need to count everything she puts into her mouth but sometimes the habit takes over
Carla's eyes met Nicks, raising her eyebrows to tell him to look at his own plate instead of hers. Nick was having more trouble enjoying the food than he was as he was actively trying and failing to watch Carla. It wasn't until Michelle suggested they had a glass of wine that he properly started to relax. By that time, however, Carla found it harder and harder to bring the fork to her mouth. She cut the food in smaller pieces, but they still seemed to grow in her mouth and it was only with great determination she managed to swallow down each bite
Someone put a hand on her back. Carla almost jumped out of her seat
"We had some extra desert left, chocolate tart i thought you all might like some" Rob glanced at them all, trying to not make contact with Carla's glazed looked
"Oh, thanks but I don't think..."
"Don't be absurd Nick, not going to pass on some free desert" Carla replied bravely
"You don't have to do this" Nick whispered into her ear
"It's fine" Carla snapped. Nick knew better than to argue with her on this one, but that didn't stop him scrutinising her every movement
A bite of chocolate tart
A spoonful of ice cream
A mouthful of wine
More ice cream
Wine
Carla stopped chewing, a bitter taste creeping up in the back of her throat as she contemplated if she'd be able to spit it out in her napkin without anyone noticing. Probably not. She took a deep breath through her nose and swallowed. Sure enough she gaged, but by emptying her glass of wine she managed to keep it all down.
Cold sweat was starting to break out on her forehead and she could feel her hands trembling. Her mouth was suddenly completely dry and the bitter taste in the back of her throat grew stronger. She shifted uncomfortably, the nausea suddenly washing over her with full power
"Let go of the spoon," Nick muttered in her ear as he filled the empty wine glass with water.
Carla put down the spoon, not realising before how convulsively she had been holding it
"How do you feel?" Nick asked, gently pushing hair from Carla's face
"I'm ok" Carla lied. Knowing how empty the words had sounded. Nick wondered how much Carla had actually wanted to eat and how much she had forced herself to eat to make him and Michelle happy. Seeing the pain Carla was in right now made him wish desperately that not a single bite had been for his sake
"Really?"
"No. Can we go home?" Carla pleaded. She felt like everyone was staring at her, right through her. She had lost control. She just wanted to make them happy. Why did she have to be so weak?
Michelle smiled faintly before walking round and giving Carla's shoulder a supportive squeeze
"See you soon"
Nick smiled and mouthed 'thank you' to her. As soon as he could he found an opening for them to leave the bistro
"Do you want me to get you anything? Water?"
Carla shook her head "I'm never eating again"
"You don't mean that" Nick whispered. He sat next to Carla and gently rubbed her back in an attempt to calm her and ease her sickness
"I think I need to be sick" Carla's breathing shifted, becoming shallow and fast
"Lets get to you the bathroom" Carla nodded, slowly pushing away from the sofa. She looked absolutely dreadful, but managed to get up from the sofa and into the bathroom on her own accord. She knelt down in front of the already open toilet, on routine putting up the ring as well. She rested her head in her arms, her face completely inside the toilet. Nick pulling her hair up and behind her head
"Its ok" He murmured and Carla gagged, seconds later the chicken salad came up, followed by the chocolate tart and wine. When it seemed to calm down she spit a couple of times, deeply panting
"Its ok" Nick whispered but Carla shook her head . She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. She gaged, leaning forward to spit whatever might come up. It wasn't much, but she started to pant heavily again. She gave Nick a quick glance, as if contemplating whether or not she wanted to do this with him here, before closing her eyes and putting two fingers deep down her throat. Her body made a terrible noise, but up came more. This time mostly fluids by the sound of it. Nick closed his eyes tightly and turned away. It was one thing to know Carla did this, another to see it and be present when she did. His hand now still on Carla's back. In response Carla's body cramped under his hand as more of the dinner came up. When it stopped Carla waited with her head in the toilet for a long time before pulling back and sitting on her heels, her body trembling.
"Don't tell Michelle" She finally said, her voice was hoarse and sore. Her face was pale and sweaty
"Carla, its alright"
"No, its not. I really thought I was ok"
"You were. You are" Nick says quietly "This happens and that's alright"
Carla shook her head
"Yes it is" Nick waited for his words to sink in " This, now. It happens. You know it does. Recovery is messy"
That surprised Carla enough to look at Nick. He nodded to confirm what he said. Carla nodded thoughtfully, wiping her eyes with her sleeve
"I'll take that water now" she smiled
"Ok. I'll wait for you in the lounge. Don't take too long"
"I won't" Carla promised, pulling herself up and grabbing her toothbrush "Thank you, by the way"
"What for?"
"For giving me a reason to keep trying" She whispered
Nick smiled, nodding, as his chest filled with that disturbing thing called 'Hope' as he realised that he had been right: today wasn't a complete loss and tomorrow would be a new day