Listen, I am less than thrilled to be here, but you know what? I promised Brittz I'd do this blog without her. She said it had been a few days between updates and whatnot so here I am at my house… with Queern Fabray and Noah Phuckerman. I was supposed to invite Schmachel Schmerry (name changed, although if you can't figure out who the hell I'm talking about then you're dumber than Puck when he robbed that convenience store), but I think that invitation got lost in the mail. And for the record, April, you are not invited either. So don't just show up at my house thinking you have a new place to squat because I will unleash the dogs on you. And I will keep your box of wine. Anyway Brittz, you'll probably see this sometime after your gyno appointment and I hope everything turned out ok… So without further ado I give you:
What the Freak Are We All Doing Here
By: A Slut, BossyBitchyBangin, and Phuckup
Also known as: Quinn, Santana, and Puck. And no, I am not a slut.
Also also known as: Queen of all Sluts. In the land of Slutsylvania. Capital City: Slutsville.
WHAT'S A HUCKUP? IS THAT LIKE A COMBO OF HICCUP AND CHUCKING STUFF UP?
I hope Beth doesn't inherit your brains.
I HAD SOMETHING IN MY EYE. COULDN'T READ IT…
Ok I'm ending this title. The sooner we start, the sooner we'll be done.
All you readers out there should probably know one thing before we start.
You're gay?
No. It's that I had to change the title to Freak because Brittany hates when Santana uses the f word.
We've been blogging a grand total of five minutes and I already want to strangle you. Congratulations. It took Schmachel ten.
Be that as it may, we're going to answer some more questions. Here's one specifically for you, Santana. Do you pray every morning to Satan?
YOU BET, BITCH. I ALREADY GOT THAT 666 TATTOO OUT OF RESPECT FOR MY MASTER.
What the fuck. Fuck you. I will kill you Puck. Don't think that I won't. Because it will be slow and painful and everyone knows you responded to that question and not me because you're a dumbass who can't figure out caps lock. But to answer the question, I don't pray to Satan. Satan prays to me, Queern.
Why do you keep calling me Queern?
That's what I call people named Quinn who are gay. Duh.
I'm not gay, Santana.
Sure you aren't. By the way, who sent that question in? Fartie?
I DON'T THINK SHE SHOULD TELL YOU. BRITTANY MIGHT GET MAD AT YOU IF YOU KILL HER BOYFRIEND FOR ASKING THAT.
Way to go.
I can always count on you, Phuckup.
IT'S PUCKERUP.
Uh huh. Of course it is. So where does Fartie live again?
Not answering that. Next question. Ok. Who is the worst sexual partner you've ever had?
Finn. Hands down.
Was he really that bad?
Yes. Yes he was. Let me put it this way... I cut my finger on a bush outside the motel and I bled longer than the sex lasted.
WHAT A PRICK!
That joke was so not funny, Puck.
NO I MEAN FINN. HE TOOK YOU TO THE SUPER 8, DIDN'T HE, SANTANA? THAT WAS OUR SPOT.
Damn I can't believe I ever had a spot with you. Let alone at the Super 8. You could have at least sprung for the Holiday Inn.
I'D LIKE TO SEE MS. HOLIDAY'S INN
Ugh. I am so glad I'm done with you. But speaking of worst sexual experiences, you are definitely mine.
BUT I'M ALSO YOU'RE BEST.
Yeah! How you like that loophole, Queern Fabray?
Need I remind you, Santana, that you were dating Puck at the time?
Don't make me go all Lima Heights Adjacent on you, Teen Mom!
QUINN, I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU SO I'LL BE GENTLE, BUT DAMN! YOU WERE THE WORST I'VE EVER HAD. I MEAN, ALL YOU DID WAS LIKE LIE THERE. AND WE ONLY DID IT ONCE. I PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS HAVE REPEAT CUSTOMERS IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'
Whatever.
SATAN, REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU GOT MAD AT ME FOR CALLING BRITT BITCHANY THREE YEARS AGO, BUT YOU DIDN'T CARE WHEN I CALLED YOU LO-PEZ DISPENSER IN THE FOURTH GRADE?
I just don't even know how to respond to that.
Me either. So I'm going to move on. This was submitted anonymously, but I'm pretty sure I know who it's from. It reads: Describe the first time you ever met Rachel Berry. Note that anything you say may be used in a future episode of True Hollywood Story.
Oh please, for the love of Satan, let me go first. The very first time I ever met Rachel Freakin' Berry was in second grade. I disliked her immediately because she could write in cursive really well and Brittz was stuck on M or N or something. So I did what any aspiring evildoer seven year old would. I purposely tripped Wheezy and she squashed Rachel. The end.
The first time I met Rachel it was love at first sight!
I knew it.
Santana. You can just delete that right now. I look away for five seconds to text Sam and this is what you do? You know that Brittany isn't at the gyno or whatever BS excuse she gave you? She's on a date with Artie, but she didn't want to tell you otherwise you never would have agreed to do this. She told me to give you this note:
Dear Satanic,
Whoops! I mean Santana. That dang auto-correct! Anyway, I am not at the lady doctor like I originally told you. I am really and truly on my dream date with my boyfriend of... well, I don't know exactly how long it's been, but this is my longest relationship ever. And while douche-tastic is a pretty awesome word, I don't like it when you use it to describe Artie. Ok, sure he says gross words like moist and he never really understands when I'm talking about Curiosity or Georgia O'Queef… Which is my cat and you, San, in case you forgot. Although he is an avid reader of my blog, I guess he must have skimmed over those parts. It's whatevs! I just wanted a nice day out at the museum with Artie.
xoxoxoxo,
Brittz (with a Z because I know you like adding Z's to thingz)
Oh my God. Did he kidnap her? Why the hell else would she want to go to a museum? What in the fucking world is going on here? First of all, Brittany totally loves going to the gynecologist so of course I believed her. That's because one day she was supposed to go to the dentist and she ended up in the wrong office. B missed every dentist appointment until we went to the world's hottest teeth scraper ever. Second of all, a museum? Seriously? Like what. the. fuck. I bet it's a wheelchair museum. She has to be bored as hell. Thirdly, that is not her dream date. It's going to Cedar Point and riding all the roller coasters and I'm pretty damn sure Fartie can't even ride any of those fuckin things. Fourth, why would she feel like she had to lie to me? I'm her best friend.
Maybe she wouldn't feel that way if you would just be supportive of her decisions. And honestly, Santana, I'd lie to you too. You're being a really terrible best friend by making her feel like crap. You're not as awesome as you think.
It's scientifically proven that I am awesome. My dad paid a bunch of people to run some tests. It's genetic. Damn, when did blogging become so serious? Like I care if my best friend wants to spend more time with her boyfriend than me. Santana Lopez has no feelings.
Just testicles. What? You set yourself up on that one. I know it's your favorite quote from Bring It On. You're the one who keeps bringing up how jealous you are, Santana. Like when you had that fight a couple of months ago.
Fine. I guess she doesn't need my help anymore.
YEAH SHE DOES. WHAT ABOUT LAST TIME JUST THE THREE OF US WENT TO DINNER AND YOU AND BRITT SAT ON THE SAME SIDE OF THE BOOTH.
How exactly did I help her?
WELL SHE KEPT BUMPING YOUR ELBOW AND YOU GOT REALLY ANNOYED SO YOU MADE HER SWITCH WITH YOU. THAT WAY HER RIGHT HAND AND YOUR LEFT WOULDN'T KEEP KNOCKING INTO EACH OTHER.
Ok, that was like the lamest example you could have possibly given. Normally she's not bad about bumping me, but for whatever reason she was sitting obnoxiously close to me and just kept doing it.
You know you like it when she sits super close to you, San. But she'll always need you. Like last year in Spanish class when Britt wrote her phone number, date of birth, driver's license number, and social security number on her various papers instead of her name because she mixed up nombre and numero. You came up with a song to help her remember the difference.
Oh good lord, that song was so embarrassing.
BUT IT WORKED. SO SING IT. DAMN YOU AND YOUR CATCHY LYRICS.
I forget the lyrics. So I couldn't even if I wanted.
Oh I remember. It goes a little something like this:
I know the difference between nombre and numero
Would you like for me to share-o
Nombre means name and I would like to know thine
Numero means number and I'll give you mine
Now we are the best of friends
Fun is something that never ends
HAHA. WHO SAYS THINE?
Ok I have to go transfer to the female equivalent of Dalton now. It sucked knowing all of you minus Brittany.
DIDN'T YOU SAY LIKE A MILLION GAY JOKES ABOUT AN ALL-BOYS SCHOOL? WOULDN'T THOSE SAME JOKES APPLY TO AN ALL-GIRLS SCHOOL?
Brilliant, Puck. Maybe Beth has a bright academic future ahead of her after all.
I STILL WISH SHE HAD BEEN BORN WITH A MOHAWK.
Then again, maybe not.
(50 Comments – Post A New Comment)
InfinityGoldStars wrote: I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE INVITED?
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: But you weren't ;)
-InfinityGoldStars wrote: But I love blogging. It's now one of my top three priorities since Finn and I…
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Would you like me to call a Wahhhhmbulance?
-InfinityGoldStars wrote: Your song is terrible!
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: You take that back! Where you live? I will cut you. LHA style.
SuspenderMan wrote: It wasn't a wheelchair museum…
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: That's right, you call it an Autobot. You go to the widdle autobotz moo-see-um, Artie Fartiekins?
-LysdexicSam wrote: it's a Decepticon, actually.
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Butt out, Bieber.
BossyBitchyBangin wrote: So Quinn, did your application for Sixteen and Pregnant get rejected last year?
-QueenQuinn wrote: Why? Upset you didn't make the final cut of COPS?
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: That would be Puck, actually.
-PuckerUp wrote: IT'S TRUE. I WAS UPSET.
LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: This sucks without Brittany.
-QueenQuinn wrote: You take that back!
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Oh you think you know? Try blogging with these two numbskulls. That's hard.
-LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: I'd rather listen to Brittany have a conversation with a wall.
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: I'd rather listen to the sound of my fist punching you in the face.
-QueenQuinn wrote: So hostile, Santana. I kind of think you need anger management.
AintTooProudToBegForTots wrote: Hmm. I don't remember squashing Rachel.
-InfinityGoldStars wrote: Nor do I recall being squashed
-MovedAwayMatt wrote: I remember that
-AintTooProudToBegForTots wrote: You don't even go here… anymore
LysdexicSam wrote: Hey Santana, I saw your facebook status was a line from Every Rose Has Its Thorn and I just thought you should know that Poison rules!
-Finntastic5 wrote: of course there are rules for handling poison. Have you not seen the skull and crossbones that are usually associated with poisonous objects?
-Brittany$parkles wrote: I thought the skull and crossbones were for pirates
-Finntastic5 wrote: Pirates are poisonous?
-Brittany$parkles wrote: Are they toxic like Britney Spears?
-Finntastic5 wrote: Britney Spears is a pirate?
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Hold up. We're friends on facebook?
BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Brittz, come over.
-Brittany$parkles wrote: ok. Let me put on some pants.
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: You're never wearing pants when I need you to be wearing pants!
-Brittany$parkles wrote: You're always wearing pants when I need you to not be wearing pants! Haha jk. But seriously… When I'm not wearing them, I feel so free. It's like they were never invented.
Finntastic5 wrote: Hey Brittany, what's the reading for English?
-Brittany$parkles wrote: I think it was on the syllable.
-QueenQuinn wrote: Syllabus.
-Finntastic5 wrote: It was on a bus?
SuspenderMan wrote: Brittany, I had a great time on our date today. I'm glad you really enjoyed the museum because I did too!
-Brittany$parkles wrote: Aww thank you! I hope you're not mad I tried to recreate that scene in National Treasure where he goes into the gift shop and pretends to steal a copy of the Declaration of Independence.
-SuspenderMan wrote: Hey, it's ok. You probably would've gotten away with it if you hadn't tried to steal a globe.
-Brittany$parkles wrote: I should've just given it to you. Nobody suspects the kid in the wheelchair.
-SuspenderMan wrote: They do if I have a big object in my lap...
-PuckerUp wrote: OH YEAH
-MChanganator3000 wrote: Who are you supposed to be, Puck? The Kool-Aid man?
BossyBitchyBangin wrote: SuspenderMan, I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. xoxo, BBB
-PuckerUp wrote: IT'D BE KINDA TOUGH FOR YOU TO TAKE A PISS ON HIM, WOULDN'T IT? YOU'D HAVE TO SQUAT OVER HIM AND THEN THE FLAMES MIGHT TOAST YOUR VAG A LITTLE BIT. BUT THEN AGAIN, I AM A FAN OF CRUNCHY TOAST.
LadyDemon wrote: There were so many offensive things in this blog
-Brittany$parkles wrote: So… can I still call you Cho Chang? Because we never really cleared that up last time.