The first time Ben had been inside of Coruscant's largest infirmary, it was because of an assassination attempt on his mother's life.
It happened inside of the Senate, while Leia spoke on behalf of Luke restoring the Jedi temple to its former glory from before Anakin's assault on it. The Empire had taken steps to ruin the temple while keeping it standing as a constant reminder of the Jedi's failure.
Leia had delivered an hour-long speech with an unwavering voice and a sharp tongue. No one spoke or moved to interrupt her. This was not the first time she had spoken before the Senate, and it certainly wasn't her last. Just as she was to move the Senate into a vote, she was shot.
In retrospect, she was very lucky. A Stormtrooper had snuck into the Senate, and he had shot from only a few yards away. He missed her heart and had instead hit her shoulder. Stormtroopers were never good shots around Leia, for reasons that she had always hinted to Ben were because of her Force-sensitivity.
Leia jumped off the podium and collected the man's head herself. That was the first and only time she had ever used her lightsaber in public, and it frightened several Senators to see how precise and deadly she could be. Some said that she reminded them of her father.
After beheading the rogue Stormtrooper, Leia was rushed to the infirmary. The vote was unanimous, and her motion passed.
Ben watched the whole incident unfold. He had been ten years old.
The intensive care area was very different than the long-term wards. For one thing, the intensive care area was bustling with droids left and right. There was never a moment of silence there. But, in the long-term wards, droids only came to visit once a day to supply Rey with nutrients and to make sure any toxins were leaving her body correctly.
No droid could figure out why she was in a comatose state. They all agreed that she shouldn't even be alive. Luke and Leia brought in top healers from all over the galaxy to examine Rey, but every one said the same thing: aside from her broken ribs and slightly fractured spine, there was nothing wrong with Rey. She just wouldn't wake up.
As for the colors, no one could give an answer as to why they were gone if Rey was still alive. Even in cases of critical injury, the colors would temporarily disappear, but, as everyone told Ben, Rey's injuries weren't critical enough to warrant the absence of colors for such a long period of time. Some healers said that it was because she was still unconscious, but they all were confused about the colors not returning. They all tried to pat Ben on the shoulder and reassure him that Rey would be fine— because, apparently, he was no longer seen as a threat to most people's wellbeing, a fact that was deeply unsetting and foreign to him—but Ben shrugged off their hands and refused to reply to their false reassurance.
News of Rey's heritage took the public by storm. Obi Wan Kenobi had always been a figure of hope to those who opposed the Empire, along with being a war hero and a Master Jedi. Learning that he had a granddaughter, and that his granddaughter had killed the Supreme Leader, was more than the Republic could have ever hoped for.
The knowledge of the Ben Solo and Rey Kenobi bond spread through the Republic like wildfire, and they're the talk of every trashy tabloid holo was constantly stocked in the hallways of the infirmary.
Ben wouldn't sleep. He hardly left Rey's bedside, and eventually the droids brought him a cot to sleep in, but he just couldn't sleep in her room.
Sometimes, when the exhaustion took it's hold on him, he would leave and return to his apartment nearby. It had belonged to his grandmother so many years before, and no one had occupied it since Padme had died. The owner of the building had practically thrown Ben the keys when he first came to inquire about the apartment. Ben slept on the couch, facing a window that showed the large building housing Rey. When he woke up, it was the first thing he'd see.
Without colors in his world, Ben was very disoriented. He never realized just how used to them he had become. And the fact that every morning, when he opened his eyes, Ben saw only blacks, whites, and grays, let him know that one sad, horrible truth remained constant: Rey was still gone.
—
Three weeks after the Battle of Naboo, Luke sat beside his nephew in Rey's room. Neither said anything for a long moment and instead watched Rey's chest rise and fall with her breathing. She was still alive, and that provided some comfort to the Skywalker men.
"General Hux will be facing trial before the Senate in two days," Luke said. Ben didn't look at him, only nodded. His eyes, as always, were fixed on Rey. If Ben slowed his own breathing and mediated, he could feel the Force wrapped around his soulmate.
Sadly, Ben was unable to use their bond to speak to Rey. He had tried several times after he was sure that he could feel the Force moving through her, but it felt like he was talking to a wall. And besides, he had no way of knowing if she would even be able to reply.
"Leia wants you to attend the trial," Luke said somewhat awkwardly. Ben heard him shift in his chair.
"No," Ben said immediately. He balled his hands into fists, still unnerved by how his robotic hand felt the same as his flesh one. The droids had treated his hand the moment he landed on Endor. Chewbacca had to practically pry Rey from Ben's arms to let the two of them be attended to.
"You wouldn't have to speak unless you wanted to—"
"I'm not going," Ben said, looking at his uncle from the corner of his eye. Luke stared at Ben, but his stare carried none of the threat that Leia's did. His uncle was always the nicer, calmer twin. And because of that, Ben was grateful that Luke delivered this message instead of Leia.
"You're not a criminal anymore," Luke said carefully. "You saw it yourself when we first got here: people aren't afraid of you. If anything, they want to mob you."
Ben remembered that all too well. Rey had gone ahead to the infirmary while Ben accompanied his mother on her personal ship. The second they touched down, the ship was swarmed on all sides. Faces were pressed against every window, hoping for a glance of Leia Organa, her (in)famous son, and Luke Skywalker. It took Chewbacca shooing away the crowd to even get the doors open. Even then, some reporters had waited nearby to ambush Leia, Ben, and Luke for pictures. Needless to say, there were many broken cameras and several mind tricks involved that day.
"I don't want to see them," Ben said. "It's been hard enough trying to get some privacy for Rey. You know we've changed rooms three times already because of people trying to break in."
"But, you didn't try and hurt them," Luke said.
"I was very much tempted to," Ben said. And it was the truth.
The first time, it was a teenaged girl who snuck into Rey's room in the middle of the night. Ben found her the next morning in his chair, curled up and asleep. He wasn't entirely sure how to react to that, so he simply fetched the droids and had the girl removed quietly. She stared at him in wonder the whole time she was led out.
Then, there was the old man who got into the room while Ben was speaking to his mother in the hallway. The man was clutching Rey's hand when Ben returned to the room. There was a crazed look in his eye,and Ben was reminded of the word fanatic. That time, Ben didn't bother getting a droid— he escorted the man out himself, all the while with the man yelling for Ben to get his filthy Sith hands off of him. The other patients didn't so much as pay him a second glance.
The third time this happened, Ben ended up crushing a table in his rage. It was a group of three men, with their hoods pulled up over their faces, standing on all sides of Rey's bed. Unlike the girl who Ben assumed meant no harm and unlike the old man who was a fanatic, these men obviously harbored more malicious goals. They tried to shove Ben out of the room when they noticed him. It was, of course, a futile idea, as Ben threw all three men into the hallways without so much as breaking a sweat.
But, Luke was right. Ben didn't hurt anyone too seriously.
"That means you're starting to turn away from your Sith teachings. Impulses come and go, and you just need to learn when to ignore the more harmful ones," Luke said. Ben just wanted him to stop talking, and Ben didn't want to think about how he was going to have to go to Hux's trial no matter what. He just wanted Rey. He wanted her to wake up and smile and laugh and throw her arms around his neck and kiss him until he was dizzy.
"What, like running away when the galaxy needs you most and having a fifteen year pity party?" Ben snapped at his uncle.
Luke said Ben was beginning to ignore all of his harmful impulses.
He was wrong.
Luke was silent for a long moment. Ben wanted to hate himself for his nightmarish tongue. He wanted to hate himself for pushing away Luke, who was surely suffering with Ben. He wanted to hate himself for always doing this, for always hurting the ones he loved.
He couldn't stop hurting people. Luke with his academy of Jedi, Poe in that interrogation chamber, Rey and Finn on Starkiller Base. Leia, always Leia, always being hurt by her own son.
Ben thought of his father's face on the bridge.
He was a weapon made only to hurt.
"I'll come to retrieve you in two days," Luke said. He stood up, making little noise, and left the room.
Ben stared at Rey. Her chest still rose and fell. Her heartbeat was still strong from the monitor.
If she had heard what Ben had just said to Luke, she would have been an inferno. She would have told him exactly how much of an asshole he was being and to get it together. That thought was almost enough for Ben to hope that she did hear him, that her eyes were about to fly open and she would roll over and really give it to him. Anything besides her just lying there like a corpse forced to live.
But instead, she only breathed.
—
True to his word, Luke collected Ben two days later. He said nothing. He hardly looked at his nephew.
Ben felt the cold sting of regret. He wanted to say something to his uncle, but the words were trapped in his throat.
Ben kept his eyes on Rey until he and Luke left her room, and Ben found himself face-to-face with armed Republic guards in front of her door. They nodded once to Luke and once to Ben and then returned to keeping an eye on the hallway. Ben was sure that no one would enter her room until he returned. It should have been a comforting thought, but he couldn't feel anything except the words 'I'm sorry' sitting at the back of his throat, begging to be released.
The pair was silent all the way to the Senate. Their speeder landed at the secret entrance hidden from reporters. Republic soldiers from stared as Ben and Luke walked inside, but Ben supposed that he couldn't blame them— long lost Luke Skywalker and turncoat Ben Solo were two people that these men never thought they'd see in person.
Ben was dressed in a fine tunic and pants of two different shades of gray, which he assumed looked fine together, as Luke hadn't made a comment. Admittedly, it would have been easier to dress in all black, as that didn't require Ben to guess at what color he was wearing, but black reminded the Senate of Kylo Ren, and he couldn't have them making that unconscious association. His hair was combed back and his face was fully visible, which Ben was still getting used to. He had just grown so used to his mask over the years.
Luke looked every bit the Jedi in his classic style robes. His lightsaber, like Ben's, was attached to his left hip. He had cut his beard shorter, but he hadn't shaved. Someone had pulled his hair into a hard knot at the back of his head. Luke radiated an aura of authority and wisdom.
They were led into a chamber below the Senate hall, and that was where Ben saw Hux. Two guards flanked him, as if he might run, which Ben thought was ridiculous, as his hands and ankles were restrained. Ben knew procedure, and he knew that the restraints would be removed only when Hux would be escorted to his platform inside of the Senate, but until then, he would be chained like any common criminal.
He looked thin, starved, and washed out. If possible, he looked paler than before, though that could be Ben's inability to see color. He wore his uniform, but Ben could plainly see that it was now too large for him and fit poorly. Even his glare looked exhausted when he directed it to Ben.
"Hello, Ren," Hux growled. Ben met his stare and saw the hollows under Hux's eyes.
"That's not my name," Ben said. Hux scoffed and rolled his eyes.
"You can hide behind your family name and soulmate, but that doesn't change who you are, Kylo Ren," Hux sneered. "You were still one of us when you betrayed your uncle. You were still one of us when you slaughtered so many innocent people. You were one of us on Starkiller Base when your poor old father walked onto that bridge. You were especially one of us when you tried to kill your soulmate. I'm glad that one of my Stormtroopers managed to do what you couldn't—"
Hux was unable to finish his taunt on the account that Ben's fist had just closed and was now cutting off Hux's windpipe through the Force. Hux choked for air, and Ben could feel the very life and Force flowing through Hux, growing more desperate ever second without air. No guards moved to help Hux or stop Ben.
Ben suspected that if he were able to see color, his whole field of vision would be red. His own heart was hammering in rage. The Force moving through Hux's body was beginning to slow down.
He wanted to kill him then and there.
"That's enough, Ben," Luke said suddenly, sharply. Out of the corner of Ben's eye, he could see Luke's face contorted in anger. Ben said nothing to his uncle.
"Ben, let him go," Luke said, this time taking a step toward his nephew. Ben wondered if Luke would draw his blade to stop Ben from doing this. That might be the only way. Hux looked like he was able to pass out, and Ben felt everything inside of the General slowing down. Just a little tighter, and it would all be over.
He had always hated this man. From the second that he set foot into Snoke's throne room, Hux had always made it his goal to prove that Ben was nothing but a weak, worthless creature. And now, even as Hux was moments away from what could be a death sentence by the Senate, he still dared to test Ben.
In his rage, Ben hadn't heard Leia approaching from behind, and he didn't know she was present until she put her hand over Ben's. He was so startled at her sudden appearance that he didn't resist as she pushed his hand down and unclenched his fist. Ben's grip on Hux's windpipe relaxed, and the General gasped for air, coughing repeatedly.
"We need to go to our platform," Leia said. It wasn't a suggestion, it was an order. Ben allowed himself to be led away with him mother and uncle, suddenly nervous about what his mother would say. Leia was not a cruel woman, but she often showed no mercy at times where she deemed it unneeded.
The trio walked down the hall, not speaking, as they drew close to a waiting Senate platform. Leia stopped a few yards shy of it and turned to her son. Without even examining her face too closely, Ben could tell she was furious.
"You tried to kill him?! In the Senate?!" Leia hissed. "What were you thinking?!" Ben had no answer, he just met his other's eyes with no emotion. He couldn't explain to her the rage, the years of pent up anger, the sudden impulse to kill.
"We are moments away from his trial, and you tried to kill him. Who the hell do you think you are? His judge, jury, and executioner?" Leia continued, jabbing her finger into her son's chest. "You have no right!"
"He deserved it," Ben said coldly. A surge in the Force from Leia nearly knocked him backwards.
"How dare you! He taunted you and you decided to react like a youngling and choke him until he was nearly unconscious. You are nothing more than a child throwing a tantrum," Leia said, every word like a dagger. Ben hadn't been reprimanded by his mother since before he left to train with Luke.
"Leia," Luke said, ever the mediator. "Hux said that he was glad Rey was dead," Luke murmured, and then he quickly added, for Ben's benefit, "which she isn't."
"And you think that justifies Force-tantrum murder?" Leia said, and she glared right into Ben's eyes. "People lose their soulmates every day, and you don't see them running around and killing everyone who brings it up to them! I've held it together for months without so much as pulling a mind trick on someone who's told me they're sorry for my loss!"
Ben knew, inherently, that his mother would not cry. He knew that after she lost her whole family, her whole planet, she had run out of tears to shed. So Ben knew, standing there in the halls belong the Senate, that this was as close as his mother would ever come to crying.
"Did you think it would be easy? To see the world without color? Loving someone is never easy, Ben! It's not easy to love! And it certainly isn't easy to suffer loss, but those of us who have the entire Maker-damned galaxy on our backs have to keep moving! We have to keep putting on a brave face and pretending like there isn't a gaping hole in our chests, because there are people looking to us, depending on us, and we cannot show weakness," Leia said. She was staring so deeply into Ben's eyes that she could have been burning right into into him.
"We cannot show weakness. Skywalkers cannot show weakness," she paused for a moment as her breath caught in her throat, but she pushed on, "not even for a moment, so I suggest that you get your act together, thank the Maker for how lucky you are that your soulmate isn't even dead, just sleeping two miles away, and get ready to walk into this trial with the whole galaxy watching," Leia said, turning her back to her son and walking onto the platform.
Ben stood there, his mother's voice rising in his ears as he absorbed everything she said. He had known long before turning from the Dark Side that his mother suffered when her colors were stolen at his hands, but he never thought about how she mourned, or rather, how she couldn't. Because of course his mother couldn't be seen mourning Han publicly, of course she had to be the calm and collected face of the Resistance, of course she had to show strength in her darkest hour— because she should falter, should she hesitate, should she stop for even one second, the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders would crush her.
And for the first time in twenty-nine years of life, Ben Solo truly, deeply understood that he had never appreciated his mother like he should have. He stepped onto the platform next to her, Luke behind them, and he looked ahead, at the doors that would reveal them to the Senate, and said, his voice shaking at those two syllables, "I'm sorry."
Because wasn't he lucky? Wasn't he lucky to know Rey was still breathing? Wasn't he lucky to have the hope that one day she would awake and colors would spill back into his life? Wasn't he lucky enough to at least be able to look on her body instead of knowing it was lost somewhere in the core of a destroyed planet?
Wasn't Ben Solo lucky?
Leia said nothing, the doors opened, and their platform rose into the Senate. Across from them, a platform carrying Hux and three armed guards also rose into the Hall. Hux was shooting daggers at Ben from where he stood, but Ben didn't have the anger left to shoot daggers of his own.
Around them, the Senate came to life. The trial of Armitage Hux begun.
—
As far as trials went, it wasn't much of one. Everyone knew Hux was guilty, and he had even confessed to his war crimes before coming in, so it was truly a matter of clarifying that yes he had in fact done every awful thing on the list (which was made up of long-named war crimes that made Ben sick to his stomach because hadn't he been beside Hux as he committed all those crimes? Shouldn't he also be on trial?) and then it was about sentencing.
Most of the Senate called for death. Leia, acting as the voice of reason, laid out several options that had all been traditionally used as punishment for war criminals— exile, life in prison, forced labor at an outer rim work colony, and, of course, death. Several senators voted in favor of forced labor, but most everyone else was firm in their belief that General Armitage Hux should die.
Ben looked to Hux from the corner of his eye as yet another senator from some nowhere planet declared their support for Hux's death. Hux had his jaw squared and remained silent, but Ben knew fear when he saw it, and it was plainly written across Hux's face as the votes for his death grew higher and higher. Ben felt no affection for this man, but the look in his eyes when the final senator— the former Princess Caisy of Terroal— threw her support behind the death sentence shattered something deep inside of Ben, something he couldn't name.
Because he knew that that was the moment Hux realized that he was going to die.
Leia readied herself to speak and determine the true number of votes.
Without thinking, without allowing himself time to second-guess, Ben stepped forward, a signal to the whole Senate that he was about to speak. All murmurs stopped. Ben Solo, only son of Princess Leia Organa, only grandson of Queen Padme Amidala, had never spoken before the Senate.
"You call for the death of this man," Ben said, words spilling from his mouth. "And I will not argue that this man is innocent. I witnessed firsthand the destruction and death he brought down upon the galaxy."
Ben was a weapon made only to hurt, but he had been made that way. He had been groomed since he was young to kill and destroy, but no more.
No more.
"But if we are to kill this man, are we any better than the First Order? Are we, as a Senate, any better than Supreme Leader Snoke, sitting atop his throne and deciding who was worthy of life? Are we any better than Palpatine, sending Darth Vader off to dispose of anyone he saw fit?" Ben said, letting the power that ran through his mother and grandmother's veins rush through him, picking the words he needed.
The hall was so quiet that he swore he could hear Hux's ragged breathing.
"I move for a recount of the votes, and I myself enter a vote on behalf of the Skywalker family for a lifelong sentence in Coruscant's high security prison. There, he will live out the rest of his life as a prisoner under the careful eye of the Republic," Ben said. He didn't let himself wonder if this was the right choice, but all he knew is that he was done standing by as destruction rained down. He would answer with mercy. And he knew, from somewhere in his heart, that Rey would have agreed.
Hux was gawking at Ben from his platform, but Ben paid him no mind. He didn't want his thanks. He just wanted this trail to be over with so he could give his mother and Luke a proper apology before returning to his vigil over Rey's bed.
Leis spoke next, her voice steady and true.
"All in favor of a lifelong prison sentence?" Leia asked, and all though the hall, the lights in people's platforms began to glow, a signal of agreement. By the time Leia counted the votes, more than half of the Senate supported the sentence, and Leia handed it to Hux, who again looked like he might damn-near faint. The meeting was dismissed, and Ben ordered the platform lowered before Hux could get out a word to him.
Ben didn't want to ever speak to that insufferable man again. He had just saved his life, so he deserved that small gift.
—
Ben had expected is uncle to visit him that night, but instead, it was Finn. Ben's feet were propped up on the corner of Rey's bed and he held a holo in his hands, watching one of Padme Amidala's speeches to the Senate about trade routes and blockades. It was always about the damned trade routes until the Clone War.
Finn had visited Rey several times, and each time he had entered the room, his gaze lingered on Rey and he seemed to slightly shatter. This time was no different, except that he looked straight at Ben after taking a moment to examine Rey.
"I heard what happened today," Finn said. "That was really… good of you." Ben laughed, and that seemed to break whatever tension Finn had felt in the room, because he also laughed, and Ben felt the Force roll freely through him.
"I, uh, came with some news," Finn said, not entirely awkward but not entirely casually. Ben raised an eyebrow, knowing that it couldn't have been too serious, as it was Finn bearing the news. Finn took a deep breath, squared his shoulders, and said:
"Poe and I are getting married."
Ben's jaw dropped, and for a moment he didn't know what to say. Too many emotions rushed through him all at once, but they all condensed into happiness and his face broke into a wide grin.
"Congratulations!" Ben said, and he rose from his chair to hug Finn, which admittedly felt a bit weird, but he got over it because Finn and Poe were getting married and he could have cried.
"Thanks," Finn said, pulling away from Ben, is facing beaming. "We decided right before the attack on Naboo, but there was so much happening afterwards that we didn't want to tell anyone until the dust settled." Ben didn't miss the glance Finn threw at Rey when he said that.
"I understand," Ben said, because he really, really did and by the Maker he couldn't stop smiling. "When is this happening?"
"We haven't decided, but we're thinking maybe in the next month. And we're still taking suggestions about where this should happen," Finn said.
"I suggest Endor," Luke said, appearing behind Finn. "The Ewoks do know how to throw a wild party. Congratulations." He clapped a hand on Finn's shoulder, and Finn's smile grew. The Force was radiating off of him, and it was very infectious.
"Thank you," Finn said. "But if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go spread the news to everyone else. Poe is off telling Leia. Bye guys," Finn said, and then he quickly walked to Rey's bedside and gently kissed her on the brow.
"Goodbye, Rey. Wake up soon so we can make you the Maid of Honor," Finn said, and then he was gone.
"You know, I once told her that she was your soulmate because the Force wanted her to redeem you," Luke said. He was grinning about as wide as Ben, and maybe Finn's mood really was contagious because Ben snorted at his uncle.
"I bet she loved to hear that," Ben said. He could imagine the argument that followed, and Ben wished that Rey was there to tell him herself about how she wasn't his soulmate just to help him get his shit together.
"She stormed off after I told her, and I had to apologize later, after I was sure she wasn't going to run off again," Luke said, a small smile gracing his lips.
"But," Luke continued, moving into the room and taking a seat next to Rey's bed, sparing Rey a quick look before fixing his eyes on his nephew, "I do think that in a way I was right. It wasn't her job to do so, and Maker knows that she didn't actually make you rethink your choices, but this bond did help you turn away from the Dark side."
"I suppose you're right, Uncle," Ben said. He looked to Rey, taking in her sleeping face, her still-pink lips, her unworried expression. He wished she would wake up then, if nothing else but for the poetic timing. But still, she only breathed.
"She'd be proud of what you did today," Luke said. That actually made Ben laugh.
"Are you kidding? She'd agree, but she'd think I was crazy for doing it. I still think I might be," Ben said. "I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her…." A weight settled in Ben's voice as he trailed off, unable to stop the thought that when might actually be if. If Rey would wake up, if Rey would see Finn and Poe wed, if Rey would ever come back to Ben.
Rey, Ben said through their bond, feeling like he was talking into a dead comm. Rey, where are you?
A/N: HEY GUYS. I'm back. I'm alive. I just want to thank each and every one of you for your kind comments and favorites and continued following. I know I can be a pain in the ass with updates, but just know that you are all the reason I do this, and I'm so thankful that I have such kind readers who keep up with me and have faith in me. Y'all are seriously awesome. There are only two chapters left, and I can't make any promises about when they'll be ready, but I hope that they bring the perfect end to this story.