The Things We Hide
By Akasha Ravensong

"I'm sorry 'bout the attitude
I need to give when I'm with you
But no one else would take this shit from me
And I'm soTerrified of no one else but me
I'm here all the time I won't go away
It's me, yeah I can't get myself to go away
It's me, and I can't get myself to go away
Oh God I shouldn't feel this way

Reach down your hand in your pocket
Pull out some hope for me
It's been a long day, always ain't that right
And no Lord your hand won't stop it
Just keep you trembling
It's been a long day, always ain't that right"

Long Day, by Matchbox 20

Chapter Twenty Five

It was always the same year after year, I thought in disgust, the same old footwork in the same boring dance. Such were the delicate twists and turns, and the intricacies of intrigues of my life. This was a dangerous game that I had no choice but to play, and no chance to survive at all lest I win. Such was the life of a Malfoy, especially one raised by such a deranged man who worshiped the ground that an even barmier lunatic walked upon.

Yes, indeed my life was very much like a dance and perhaps a masquerade as well. I had to choose the right partner, and dance the correct dance at all times without missing even one single beat. Every move that I made must be completely flawless lest my true identity, my true inner thoughts and intentions behind my mask, be laid bare before those who would trample me unto my death.

But it was a game I had grown tired of. It was time to pick my own path and not the one my father was attempting me to follow. I had consolidated my assets and I was well on my way to becoming able to survive without being dependant on the will and whims of idiotic fanatics. It was amazing what having a strong background in business and investing as well as a fortune available in 'pocket' money can do for the size of one's personal bank account.

Gaining Hermione's trust was just the first step in this new dance. She was the first step towards my own goals and my own life, free to do as I wish and live as I please. Meanwhile I would feel out the true intentions of my housemates and see who else was wearing the same mask as I. I would not allow any of those of my own to become bound to Voldemort the Daft if they had no such inclinations of their own.

It was a dangerous game that I now played, but it was no more dangerous then continuing down my previous path. The only difference was that now I had everything to loose, and everything to gain. Participating in this dance was no longer just a way for me to survive; it was a way for me to live. And I would have my life the way I wanted it or not at all.

I carefully steeled the mask that become more a part of me then an actual mask over the years as I whispered the password to my common room under my breath. The game had begun anew with start of another year. Only this year I played to win.

The common room was an absolute zoo when I walked through the portrait and I had to stifle the urge to run back out the door into my private chambers. However, Ginny would be waiting. Harry, Ron, and several of the other older Gryffindor males were crowded on the couches and discussing their summer conquests rather distastefully. In another corner the Creevy brothers were excitedly waving around pictures and talking excitedly. Neville fled from whatever he had been doing the moment he saw me appear in the portrait hole and retreated hastily to his rooms.

Finally, I spotted Ginny in the corner with Lavender and Parvati crowded around her. I laughed to myself at the disgusted look on Ginny's face that they were ignoring. Poor thing, it appeared that I was going to have to rescue her before I would have the chance to talk to her this evening. Either that or the pair would end up with a rather nasty hex on their persons considering the way Ginny's wand hand was twitching. As I started walking towards her, Ginny spotted me and jumped up shoving the pair bodily out of her way, without caring what direction they went so long as it was away from her.

"Is there somewhere we can go that is a little more private?" Ginny asked. "I'd rather not get a detention for trying to kill a student on my first day back."

I smirked. Somehow I could completely understand the feeling. "It's still well before curfew and I know that nobody will be in the library. At least nobody who would bother us, that is." I answered.

She laughed. "Then the library it is."

It was as quiet as I had expected in the library. There were no students within whatsoever. Madam Pince was wandering around dusting off the books with her wand and tidying up, and that was all.

"So what happened to you over the summer?" I began. "Finally get annoyed enough to do something about only being known as the littlest Weasley, or the Weasley girl?"

She rolled her eyes. "I had had more then enough of that before I ever stepped foot inside of Hogwarts Hermione. Fred and George offered their little sister a job in their shop doing counter work as well as testing new products. And no before you even go asking I was not a test subject. I am not that stupid, please give me some credit! No I tested things like their fireworks and other non-indigestible substances."

"That does sound fun."

"It was awesome. You know for somebody as ingenious as they are with their pranks you'd think that they would have gotten much higher grades in school."

"I had always thought the same about them."

"Anyway, I used the money and bought myself an almost completely new wardrobe. I still wear my old clothes for mucking about so that I don't ruin my new things but that is all. Then I pierced my ears, found a few books on charms for your hair and clothes and that was that."

"Well you look great."

"Well what about you? What the heck happened to you? I'd say it was a little more then wanting to be noticed."

I debated with myself on what to tell her. Ginny and I had been fairly good friends when Harry, Ron, and I had been hanging around together. I didn't know that I was ready to share what had happened to me over the summer in complete detail with her just yet. I wasn't sure that I was ready to share that with anybody, except Severus and even then that was moot point because he of course already knew the whole story. What he hadn't known he had guessed completely accurately as well. For Ginny, however, I decided the short version was best.

"I had a bit of a rough time over the summer because my mother was divorcing my father and left me with him over the summer while she went away on some trip. He took it out on me and was drinking himself into a rather nasty temper almost nightly. There was a gruesome accident and he died. The only thing she was worried about when the Professors picked me up was her vacation and was annoyed at them for interrupting it."

"Oh, Hermione! That is just awful." She said sympathetically. "That must have been just horrid for you!"

"It was." She didn't even know the half of it. "But I realized then that I had been living my life trying to please people who didn't truly love me or even really care about me and what I wanted. I decided that I was going to make a change in my appearance so that I could be myself rather then what they had wanted me to be."

"Well, I must say I'm glad you didn't go completely punk or gothic on me. You're just not the type. However, that mix of vintage, gothic, and punk that you've got going on is completely you."

"Thanks Ginny."

From there on in the conversation, I hate to admit, sadly deteriorated to all sorts of girly gossip and other such topics. We traded spells and charms for hair and make-up, and caught up with all the things that had happened since we had last spoken. Then of course the topic turned to her brother and Harry.

"So what did Ron say to you about your new clothes? I gather he didn't approve?"

"Hardly." She said dryly. "He seems to have personally made it his mission to get with every female in all of Hogwarts and likes them with as little clothes on as possible, if you get my drift. Yet he still seems to think that his little sister is a child. I'm only one year younger then him, honestly! He's so immature!"

"Some things never change," I laughed.

"He tried to tell me to change immediately when he finally noticed what I was wearing because it was inappropriate for someone my age. Then when that didn't work he tried to tell me that I was nothing more then some whore. That's when I hexed him out of the compartment and he had to get Harry's help. Then Harry had his say about what was and wasn't decent for a young lady to do and wear."

"That's all?" I asked with my eyebrows raised.

"Oh hardly, but that's the gist of it." She smiled smugly again. "He threatened to tell Mom, and I can't wait until he does. You know he won't think about what he's saying and who he is saying it to. She helped me pick out a good deal of these clothes and had a fantastic time dressing up her 'little girl'. There are a few things she doesn't know about but not many. She really does have good taste but with the budget always so tight there was little she could do about it."

"I can understand that I suppose."

"So where are you're rooms? Must be nice not to be stuck in the tower anymore" She grimaced.

I laughed. "Are Parvati and Lavender giving you that much of a problem already?"

"Oh them I can handle. But I swear if I get one more comment about trying to fit in and 'join the big girls' they're going to be wishing they were facing Voldemort instead of me." She meant it, that girl was wicked with a wand and great with curses.

"I have my own room near the tower and yes it's wonderful." I looked up at the window and gasped. It was fully dark outside. "Its long past curfew time, Madam Pince has even gone as well it seems for ours is the only lantern left in the entire library!"

Ginny looked around in surprise. "I guess it is. We'd better get going. I don't want to run into Snape or Filch on our first night back."

"I'll walk with you back to the tower and then I'll head to my rooms. At least as Head Girl I'll have a bit of an excuse to why I am out of my rooms so late."

"Works for me"

We walked back to Gryffindor tower silently and bade each other goodnight at the portrait hole. I was glad that Ginny and I were talking again. I wasn't sure that I entirely trusted her as of yet but it was good to have a female friend again. She and I would get along, that I was sure of. Only time would tell if she was going to be truly trustworthy once more.

I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I never noticed the approach of a second lantern in the dark corridor, nor did I notice when that person came into view. I walked right into that warm breathing somebody without any notice whatsoever and fell backwards on the hard floor of the corridor and dropped my lantern. I gasped in pain as I turned my ankle as I fell, wrenching it horribly.

That's going to hurt, I thought irritated with myself, Serves me right for not paying attention I suppose.

We were left in complete darkness as both lanterns crashed to the floor. I heard muttered swearing. Apparently, whoever I had run into had not been paying any more attention to where they were walking then I had been.

"Lumos"

I found myself looking up at Severus as he scrambled to his feet in the darkness.

"What are you doing out of your chambers at this hour Miss Granger?" he snapped in exasperation. "You of all people should know better."

"Apparently doing the same thing that you were doing, Professor," I retorted. "Not watching where you were walking and knocking people to the floor. By your usual sour temper I can tell that you are perfectly all right. Oh and don't worry yourself about me, I'm perfectly fine thank-you."

He didn't even have the decency to look chagrined as I began to struggle to my feet. Instead he simply scowled deeper at me. He's in a right fine mood. "Well perhaps if you had been in your rooms like you belong we wouldn't be having this conversation right now," he sneered. "Or do you think now that you've been living in the castle most of the summer that you have more rights then your fellow students? I suppose you think you are more important then them and have an over inflated ego as usual. Well let me clear things up for you. Children belong in their dormitories. Now get to your rooms before I give you detention."

"Well perhaps if you weren't daydreaming you would have been awake enough to notice where you were going! Or perhaps it's you who believes you're so much better then everyone else that everyone has to watch out for you and cower in your wake against the walls as you pass them!" I shouted at him.

Severus was very taken aback at that, and he didn't bother to hide it. I felt tears come into my eyes, and looked away from him. So much for friendship, I thought. Obviously I was nothing more then a simple amusement to him to pass the summer away. Now that the rest of the students were back his true colors were showing clear. How could I have been so stupid as to think that he had truly cared about me? What a fool I had been. I had trusted him. Well, who needs friends? I was better off without any.

I grabbed the wall and hauled myself to my feet, biting my lip in pain but refusing to cry out. I tasted blood and a bit of it dripped out the corner of my mouth. This was going to be hard. I let go of the wall and put my full weight on my foot, fully intending to storm past him to my rooms. However, my ankle apparently had other ideas and I couldn't help but cry out in pain as I fell back to the floor.

He caught me. "Let go of me, I don't need you Severus Snape. I don't need you or your help. Not now, not ever. Get your filthy hands off of me," I growled.

"Don't be stupid Hermione. You can't walk on that ankle. Let me help you." He said irritably.

I did my best to shove him away from me. "I said let me go. Am I not a witch? Do I not have a wand? I can figure it out. Now get your hands off of me. I don't need you or your help!"

"Fine, have it your way," he said in disgust, dropping me back down on the cold stone floor. "Just don't blame me if you find yourself spending the night there."

"Just get away from me."

"Gladly. To think I thought of you as a reasonable adult. Now I see you are nothing more then a petulant child."

And with that he walked off leaving me in darkness. His words stung. I knew he wasn't really my friend. I had been foolish to trust him. I didn't try to stand up again. I just sat there and cried.

I hated dealing with the impudent little brats that called themselves students. Only the first day back and they were already grating on my nerves. Within two hours I had already caught two students dueling and given them detentions with Filch and then caught another three planning pranks already. And I had confiscated two highly suspicious potions from a few other students.

Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Don't answer that, I begged my conscience, just don't.

I had done a lot of things in my life that I was not proud of. There were many stains on my soul that would never come out. I supposed that dealing with a few insolent children was the least of my worries. In fact if that was all I had to deal with considering my list of transgressions then I was damn lucky.

Wearing this mask was starting to grate on my nerves however. I had to be a tough and uncaring bastard to my students or else word might get back to the last of the Death Eaters still at large that I was being soft on muggleborns and muggle lovers. That was simply unacceptable. My work as a spy was still mostly a secret. Most of Voldemort's followers thought that I was a double agent with my loyalties lying on their side. So I was still forced to ignore the misbehavior of Death Eater children and invent misdemeanors for all others. It was all rather tiring.

I didn't even notice that somebody was walking towards me in the corridor until I found myself sitting on the cold stone floor. Stupid, I screamed at myself. Stupid. If I keep doing things like this word will out that I'm becoming daft and unable to keep my wits about me. Is this year over yet? Voldemort may be no more, but the scars he and his followers had left upon the Wizarding World were still fresh and raw. As for me, some habits die hard and I will always in part be shaped by my experiences as a Death Eater and a spy.

I hardly paid attention to who was in front of me and only barely recognized the person as being Hermione. I lost my temper as a result annoyance at myself and paid not a whit of attention to the words coming out of my mouth. All I knew was that she dared to talk back to me and I was furious. Students were not allowed to talk to me that way.

How dare she, the little imp! I offer her help and she simply tells me that she thinks I'm a dirty old man and to keep my hands to myself! Outrageous, simply outrageous! Of all the childish and ungrateful things to do…

I stopped dead in my tracks swearing at myself. I had snapped at her first, I had started it. Damn! Hermione had begun to trust me and I had gone and ruined it in a single moment of temper that truly had absolutely nothing to do with her. Apparently, I wasn't as intelligent as I had thought I was. That was not part of the plan. Hermione was supposed to trust me and confide in me. I was worried about her.

What was it she had said to me? That she didn't need me or my help? Yes that was it. Damn. She thought I was snapping at her because I didn't care a wit about her after all. I had to fix this before it was too late. I hurried back towards her chambers and found her exactly where I had left her in a heap on the floor.

"Oh Hermione," I said sadly, looking at her from a distance still.

She was so fragile; her trust in the world had been completely and utterly shattered. It didn't take much to make her dissolve into tears or doubt herself and those around her, and here I had gone and taken my anger out on her instead of just dealing with it. I had made a total mess of things. I walked over to where she sat and knelt down next to her.

"Hermione let me help you up." I said as soothingly as I could manage.

"Just go away," she sobbed, refusing to look up at me. "Just leave me be, haven't you done enough already?"

I ignored the odd thump and the stinging pain I was surprised to find her words cause in my heart. "I truly didn't mean anything I said to hurt you Hermione. I'm sorry I took my anger out on you but you truly weren't the cause of my annoyance."

She looked up at me with her tear streaked face and red puffy cheeks and I couldn't help but think how beautiful she looked in the reflection of my illuminated wand. I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. I understood completely. After all hadn't my father and mother done worse to me when I was growing up even younger then her?

"You just think I'm a silly little girl. Leave me alone Professor," She sobbed. "I don't need your kind of help."

Somehow her calling me by my title and not my name was an insult, and to my surprise it actually bothered me. "Actually I think you're a beautiful young woman who has been on the wrong end of the stick one too many times."

"You're just saying that," she snapped, although it sounded rather halfhearted.

"I swear to you that I meant every word that I said. I would never lie to you Hermione. I consider you my friend, my equal, and I don't use either of those words lightly. Now let me help you up off this stone floor and to your room."

She searched my face, and almost smiled. Impulsively I reached down and hugged her, holding her tightly to me. Her resolve broke and she clung to me. She buried her face in my chest and held on to me. Strange how good it felt to be held by her, I thought, how good it felt to be needed. Then she sat back and wiped her eyes with the back of her hands.

"I'm sorry, I seem to be doing altogether too much of that lately."

"I don't mind."

"There are many students here who would faint to hear you say such a thing my snarky professor."

I raised my eyebrow. "When did I become your professor?"

She blushed slightly and changed the subject quickly. "Could you help me off this stone floor now please, I'm getting rather cold. My ankle is rather bad off."

I pulled her to her feet and had her place her arm around my shoulder. We attempted to walk like that for a few paces but it was far too awkward.

"This is too much Hermione I'm just going to carry you. It will be far easier and far quicker."

"Okay," she said in a rather small strained voice.

"I'll take a good look at that ankle and see what I can do for you when we get to your rooms where there is more light. Hold on good Hermione, I don't want you to fall again."

We arrived at her rooms in no time after that. I sat her down on her couch and gently pulled her shoe off. I passed my wand over her leg a few times and sighed with relief. Not broken.

"You're lucky it's just a bad sprain."

"I don't feel so lucky right now." She said irately. "It hurts like hell."

"I have some salve in my pocket. If you'll trust me, I can massage it into the ankle. It will hurt more at first but it will go away and it should be better my morning."

"If you must please just hurt up and get it over with."

I nodded. She barely flinched and made not single sound although I could see the sweat beading up on her forehead as she clenched her teeth. Finally I head a sigh of relief and I knew the salved had kicked in.

"There, that should solve that problem. I best be going now. Goodnight Hermione.

"Goodnight Severus."

I was at the door when I heard her call my name again softly.

"Yes Hermione?

"Did you mean what you said? That you thought I was beautiful?" she asked with an odd look on her face.

"I told you I would never lie to you Hermione, and I meant it." I said softly.

"Oh." She paused. "Thank-you. You know, for everything."

"You are most welcome Hermione." I closed the door and walked back down to my chambers. It was going to be a long year.

Hope you enjoy the extra long chapter!

Blessed Be
Raven Lynne