Chapter Twenty-five

"This can't be normal."

Joanna sighed as she retched violently once more. Spiting bile into the toilet she got up off her knees and turned to the sink to wash her face. After brushing her teeth she stared at her reflection in the mirror. It had been three months since she and Salen had started their physical relationship, something they had continued with increasing regularity. However, after each encounter the results were always the same.

"I've heard of morning sickness, but never morning after sickness." Joanna grumbled to herself. "I wonder if Amanda or Nyota ever had this problem."

Stepping out of the bathroom Joanna found Salen still fast asleep on her bed. Laying on his back he was caught in a tangle of bedsheets. His deep breathing caused his exposed chest to slowly rise and fall. Joanna mentally started naming the muscles that stood out in such stark definition under his marred skin. The board test for her Vulcan medicine specialty license was in three days and she was a little nervous about it. Although humanoid Vulcans were far from being human and any similarities between the two were only skin deep.

Sitting down on the bed next to her alien lover Joanna reached out and gently traced one of the scars on his stomach. Joanna jerked her hand away when Salen gasped in pain. Although clearly still asleep Salen's frame tensed and his once even breathing turned to what she believed as a panicked panting. It wasn't the first time Joanna had seen him in the throws of a nightmare, but every time she witnessed it her heart broke. Hoping to release him Joanna put her hand on his shoulder to wake him.

Salen jolted awake and instantly threw himself at Joanna. Taken by surprise Joanna yelped as Salen drove her across the room and slammed her into the wall with his body. Terrified she tried to push herself away from the wall, but Salen had her pinned. Grabbing her wrists he pinned them above her head. With his lips against her ear he growled in what sounded like pleasure as he increased his grip on her wrists.

"Salen," Joanna whimpered "you're hurting me..."

"Joanna?"

Salen stumbled backwards away from her in horror. He reached up and pressed his hand behind his ear with a winch of pain. Still caught in the now torn sheets Salen stepped further away and sat down heavily on the edge of the bed. Joanna stayed against the wall for a moment before hesitantly stepping towards him. She had noticed that over the past few months he was becoming a bit more aggressive during sex, but this attack was still a surprise. Salen cowered from her slightly as though afraid that she was going to strike him.

"I am sorry." Salen said honestly. "Are you injured?"

"No." Joanna shook her head. "Just a little rattled."

"I...I...I am sorry, I was having a...bad dream."

"I thought I heard somewhere that Vulcans don't dream."

"Trained ones do not." Salen replied bitterly. "If I had more control of my emotions and thoughts I would not continue to pose such a risk to you."

"You haven't lost control like that since you were in pon farr. Is it happening again?"

"No, it will not occur for another seven years. I have no excuse for what just happened."

"Salen, are you sure everything is okay?"

Unwilling to answer Salen simply turned away. Joanna stepped up to him and sat down on the bed next to him. She hesitantly reached up and traced the marks on his shoulder, believing that his past was the current source of his pain. Salen jerked away and got back to his feet. Hunting around the room he found his uniform pants and pulled them on. He was unsuccessful in finding his shirt, which Joanna knew was under the bed, however he started to head for the door as if he was going to leave without it.

"Salen? Where are you going?"

"I do not believe that you are safe around me anymore."

"Wait, don't go. I shouldn't have startled you while you were clearly having a nightmare."

"Joanna, you can not be blamed for what just happened. What alarms me most is that this is not the first time I have lost control around you."

"You always come to your senses before you actually hurt me."

"Were you sick this morning?" Salen asked bluntly.

"Yes." Joanna admitted.

"Then I am hurting you...and I do not even know how."

"Salen..."

"It can not be a coincidence."

"I've had my coworker check me out from top to bottom. There is nothing wrong with me."

"I can not risk hurting you, I love you too much. I should leave, and not return."

"Don't say that." Joanna got to her feet and held her hand out for Salen to take.

Salen hesitated and kept his distance.

"You're awake and in control, Salen. You're not going to hurt me right now. Come here...please. I love you, I'm not just going to let you walk away."

Looking a bit like a cornered animal Salen glanced at the door. Fearing that she was about to lose him Joanna closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around his waist. This was not the first time over the past few months that he'd started to try and break his connection with her. Salen started to pull away however when she did not release him he gave in and returned her embrace. Joanna nuzzled against his chest and noticed that his heart was pounding harder than usual.

"Salen, what is truly bothering you? Why do you keep trying to end this?"

"We will both be graduating next week...I am unsure what will happen after that."

"You still don't have an assignment?"

"Yes, and no." Salen sighed.

"What do you mean?"

"I do not wish to talk about it."

Joanna sighed and pulled away from Salen. She took his hand and led him back over to the bed. Forcing him to lay down she crawled into bed with him and curled up against his side. She rested her head on his chest and listened to his oddly placed heart. After a few minutes in silence Joanna took a deep breath.

"Salen...I've been having nightmares as well."

"What?"

"The thing is that I don't think they belong to me."

"What do you mean?"

"I think they are yours. I remember you telling me that someone used to cut you for your blood...I think I've been seeing it."

"What?"

"I have been having this violent visions, parts of a memory that I know aren't mine."

"I am sorry for that, it was never my intension for you to share those memories. It is instinct for me to touch your mind during our intimate interactions, it is another reason for me to leave...I do not believe that I can resist the temptation."

"I don't want you to." Joanna said instantly. "It is an amazing feeling. I enjoy it, it makes me feel so close to you."

"And I you." Salen brushed Joanna's cheek with the back of his hand. "I just wish you didn't have to see what happened."

"I was horrified when you first told me, now it feels so much more real."

"It is the past," Salen said quietly as he held her closer "it is over."

"It still bothers you."

"At times."

"I want to help you."

"You already have." Salen said simply. "Your love has nearly made me forget the abuse of the past."

"Then why do you keep pulling away from me?" Joanna demanded. "If the past is not the problem, what is?"

"The future." Salen admited in defeat. "I am sorry that I have been acting so strangely lately. As graduation approaches I have a difficult decision to make, I do not know what to do."

"Care to talk about it?"

Salen fell silent once more. Joanna reached up and ran her hand through his hair. Salen turned his head to face her and smiled sadly. Trying to encourage him into telling her what was wrong Joanna gave him a gentle kiss.

"I made a request to be assigned to your ship." Salen admitted.

"The USS Intrepid?"

"Yes. However, the request was denied."

"That is not particularly surprising, you're top of your class and the Intrepid is one of the smaller Starships. Where are you assigned?"

"I have been offered two different assignments, I must choose between them."

"Sounds simple enough."

"I wish it were."

"What makes it so difficult?"

"One of them is the Enterprise."

"I know that you dread the idea of working along side Spock, however the Enterprise is every Cadet's dream."

"It is not mine."

"Well, I'm sure they offered you the other assignment knowing that you might not want to serve in the shadow of Commander Spock. They wouldn't have offered you a secondary ship if they didn't mind you taking it. Don't worry about killing your career by turning down the Enterprise, you wouldn't be the only one to pass up the chance."

"You know someone else to turn down the Enterprise?"

"Yeah, me." Joanna giggled. "My supervisor assured me that it was my skill as a doctor that got me on the Enterprise, but I'm fairly certain that it was my father pulling strings. I applied for a transfer the next day, which is why I'm on the Intrepid."

"I think that you could do a lot of good aboard the Enterprise."

"So could you, however, I think one McCoy is all that ship can handle."

"We could have been together if we had talked about this sooner."

"No." Joanna shook her head. "I knew you'd never choose the Enterprise."

"I wonder if he knew that too?" Salen said quietly.

"Who is 'he'?"

"No one." Salen sighed. "I am still unsure."

"Which one feels right?"

"My logical mind tells me to take the offer to serve aboard the Enterprise."

"I didn't ask which one your 'logical mind' wanted, I asked which one feels right."

"My heart tells me to take the other assignment."

"Then that's your answer."

"I do not know..."

"Salen, if it's one thing I've learned in life it's that you're always better off following your heart over your head."

"Really?"

"Absolutely. So what is the name of this other ship?"

"It is...classified."

"Classified? How mysterious." Joanna beamed. "A test-class Starship?"

"I believe so."

"Salen, that's exciting! I can see why you were having trouble choosing between her and the Enterprise. I bet that they've finally outfitted a full Starship with the Romulan cloaking device that you helped Starfleet get from Cel'esta."

"You know about that?"

"I do." Joanna admitted. "My father told me. He also told me that Scotty was mad as a wet hen when it was discovered that it gave off a radiation that over time was harmful to humans. They must have found a way around that...or they are crewing the ship with all non-humans. This is an amazing opportunity for you, Salen, you have to take it."

"You do not believe there is anything wrong with accepting a classified assignment?"

"Wrong?"

"Morally."

"No, of course not. It's still Starfleet, they run classified missions all the time. Even the Enterprise has been on her fair share of them."

"That is true..."

"Salen, you have to get on this ship." Joanna pressed.

"You believe so?"

"Yes!" Joanna said with excitement. "She'll have the best of everything. I'm jealous, and dying to know what they've named her."

"If I tell you do you promise not to share it with another soul?" Salen smiled.

"Cross my heart."

"USS Black Diamond."