Title: Of Finding Innocence
Disclaimer: The writers didn't have morning classes canceled due to flooding. Booyah.
Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.
Chapter 25:
"Are you sure you're ready?"
Kate turned and met Rick's gaze as he came out of the office. She slipped her bookmark into Doctor Zhivago and closed the book, setting it on the coffee table. He walked around and sat down, lifting her feet and then plopping them into his lap. She wiggled her sock-covered toes against his fingers and gave him a small smile.
He returned it and sank into the couch, bunching up his grey tee shirt as he went. "Are you, though?" he asked, meeting her eyes.
"To go back to active duty? God, yes," she replied on a light laugh. She was more than ready—antsy, anxious, impatient. She'd been given the all clear a week ago, and had, as per agreement, done her week of desk duty. She was almost finished with physical therapy, and it felt like her left arm was even stronger than before. She was excited to get back out in the field.
Rick, however, didn't look as excited as she was. He'd been very upbeat for the last three weeks, annoying her into smiling when she was grumpy, cooking and cajoling her into eating when she wasn't hungry, making her laugh and enjoy herself throughout her recovery. But now, he looked hesitant, almost like he…oh, no, not again.
"I just…are you sure? I mean, wouldn't a desk job be easier?" he asked quietly.
She pressed her foot into his stomach. "Rick, come on."
He shook his head and Kate braced herself. She couldn't tease him into accepting this one. "Kate, you got stabbed."
"I know, believe me," she tried one last time. But her joking smile fell as his lips tightened and he frowned. He was honestly worried, and this just wasn't the time to make light of that.
"How can you go back out?" he asked. "How can you just walk into another alley?"
How can you be willing to put yourself in danger, again? Kate toyed with the edge of the blanket that hung over the back of the couch. She hadn't had to justify her decision to become a Cop when she'd done it. Her father had been a drunken mess, and yes, he'd yelled, but she was hardly willing to listen. Even now, he never mentioned it. She'd assumed he'd made peace with her dangerous profession, or found a damn good poker face.
Rick, however, didn't use his poker face around her. This was killing him. She could feel it late at night, now that she was back at work. He held her tighter, his arm heavier over her stomach, as if assuring himself that she was there. She'd known, on some level, going in, that this would try their relationship. Rick wasn't Will. Will understood. Will had been in danger too. So neither of them could have ever played the 'what if' card on the other. Rick though—Rick had a daughter and a life that would probably shatter if she didn't come home one night.
Kate took a deep breath and met his eyes. Even though he'd said he understood and had made his peace with it, she really knew he hadn't. She owed him an explanation, as close to comforting and worthy as she could get it. "You understand why I'm a Cop."
He nodded and then shook his head, smiling. "I get it on the emotional level. It's the actual, physical level I'm having trouble with, now that you're actually going back."
"You can't have one without the other," she explained. "I need to be out there, protecting people. I need it. And I need to make Detective. I just do. And you've supported that."
"I'm not saying I'm going to stop," he said quickly. "I just…" he laughed, the sound feeble and hollow compared to its normal weight. "You don't need taking care of. You're Katherine Beckett. You can do it all." Kate snorted but he shook his head. "You can do everything alone. So I don't need to protect you. I know that. I take my opportunities when I can."
"Like plying me with food and endlessly fluffing my pillows?" she asked softly.
He gave her a little grin. "Smart, too. But I just…I can't protect you. Why don't you want to protect yourself?"
Kate let out a long breath. "I do protect myself." Maybe she'd grown more than she'd thought; she hadn't even seen it as a slight about her ability as a Cop. "I wear a vest in combat situations, or stakeouts. The thing in the alley? That was a fluke, like getting hit by a taxi."
"But the probability of you getting shot or hurt again is exponentially higher than me getting hit by a taxi," he argued. "I just don't…I don't know how you can willingly walk out there again."
Kate knew. It was about her mother and about justice and…about a need to do it. She just needed it. "Are you asking me how I can do it, for myself, or in light of us?" she asked, letting the question fall out as it hit her mind.
His frown deepened. "I'm just asking," he replied after a moment. "I'm not…I can't…We fell in love with you, knowing you were a cop. I won't ask you to stop."
"But you want to," she prompted. It was there, in his eyes—the lingering doubt, the fear, the worry.
He shrugged and looked over at her. "If I were going to go run around with guns and knives all day, wouldn't you?"
Kate scooted closer on the couch, shifting so that her knees crossed his. "I'd worry," she admitted, reaching up to stroke her hand through his hair along the back of his head. "But I wouldn't stop you."
"Really?"
"I can just imagine you running around with a Cop. You'd be in heaven," she replied, smiling at the thought. "You'd probably do a bunch of really stupid stuff, and I bet whoever you were tailing would want to kill you, but come on, Rick. I can see your grin all the way over here in reality."
He smiled and leaned against her, running his hand up and down her thigh. "Do you grin like a maniac on the job?"
"No, but I am pretty kick ass," she replied. "I'm gonna be just fine, you know."
He bobbed his head. "Yeah."
"It gets better, the farther out you are."
"How do you know?" he mumbled, meeting her eyes.
"Montgomery talks about his wife sometimes, and I've spent time with some of the Uniforms' wives and husbands. I can't…it's always uncertain, you know? But you get…you just get used to it."
"You sure you don't want to be a skydiver or something?"
Kate laughed. "Nah. Killers are more of a rush."
He chuckled along with her, but his hands clutched at her leg and lower back. "Sure, sure."
"You're the first on my contact list now, you know?"
"Really?"
She leaned in and pressed her forehead to his cheek. "Yes. You'll be the first to know. But Rick? This getting stabbed thing? It was fluke. I'm going to be just fine tomorrow, and all the days after that."
He nodded and turned his head to press his lips to her skin, breathing slowly at the edge of her hair. "But how will I have proof?" he mumbled. "How do I know, if I can't see you all the time?"
"I'll still come over, hang out, hang out," she replied, leaning up to kiss his ear.
He pulled her closer, smiling more now. "Well, what if instead of coming over to hang out, or hang out," he paused and shimmied his hand under the back of her shirt, his fingers warm against her skin. "What if you just came here to come home?"
Kate bit her lips to keep from smiling. "Are you being serious right now?"
He pulled back and met her eyes. "Yes," he replied steadily. "We've loved having you here, non-stop for the last three weeks. And I know you were planning to go back to your apartment tomorrow night, but Kate, come on, just come back here."
"To spend the night?" Oh, she probably shouldn't tease right now.
He grinned at her. "Yes, you little minx. But then stay the next night, and all of the nights after that."
"Have you asked Alexis about this?" Kate asked, letting her fingers linger on his neck. She would say yes. She'd already decided, after having spent three weeks with them, that this was where she wanted to be. She didn't question it, but she needed to, to make sure he was really as ready as she was.
"If she wasn't at Paige's tonight, she'd be asking you herself," he told her, smiling as she let a grin escape.
"Then yes, I would love to move in with you," she whispered.
"Really?" His eyes lit up and he laughed, leaning down to give her an excited kiss that was barely a kiss, because they were smiling so much.
"Really," she asserted. "But…"
"No, no buts!" he exclaimed, placing his hand over her mouth. "No buts."
Kate licked his hand and he recoiled. "Serves you right," she smirked as he grimaced. "And relax, it's just a delay, not a real 'but,' anyway."
"Why?"
"Meredith," Kate replied easily.
"Ah. Right," Rick sighed. "You…no, you're probably right. If she'd just come when she said she was going to…"
"I'd have been on pain meds and Alexis would have been extremely conflicted," she finished. "This way, she and I won't have to cross paths much, and once she'd gone, we'll get down to getting me moved in. I'll need the time to pack anyway."
"We'll need the time to pack," he corrected. "You shouldn't be doing heavy lifting."
Kate narrowed her eyes at him. "Shut up."
"Oh, come on. You go back into the big bad world tomorrow. Let me pamper you. I'll even force Ryan and Esposito into helping us."
"I don't want them at my apartment," she scoffed. "No way."
Rick just smiled. "You do realize that they'll be here all the time, right? And then it'll be your apartment too…"
Kate moaned and let her head fall forward to settle in the crook of his neck. "Really? Coming downstairs to find the three of you on the couch, playing Halo?"
He laughed. "Exactly."
"Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all," she mumbled. Ryan and Esposito, sitting on the couch while she was taking a bubble bath? Ryan and Esposito needling her at home? Ryan and Esposito laughing with her boyfriend and making him feel more included in a world that scared him and made him afraid to lose her? Damn. Damn.
"Too late. You've already said yes. No take backs."
"What are you, twelve?"
"Consider what that says about you before you accuse me."
(…)
Her couch was not as comfortable as Rick's, but Kate hardly cared. It was nearing nine and she was just exhaustedly crawling back to her apartment, so the couch could be made of burlap and she would still find it welcoming. She sank into her cushions and threw an arm over her face, not even bothering to remove her heels.
They'd had two homicides that morning, and she, Esposito and Ryan had spent the entire day and greater part of the evening tracking down suspects in the most disturbing places. Kate hadn't even known that someone could live in a dumpster, but one could. If you braced something against the side door and built a complex series of boxes behind it, you could make a little living space. That in it of itself was bad enough. Adding the dead body and dismembered body parts they'd found in the three excavated dumpsters was too much.
She hadn't eaten in nearly five hours, and her shoulder was sore due to all of the crawling in little spaces. She wished, more than anything, that she could have just hunkered down at the loft, taken a bath in Rick's swimming pool of a tub, eaten his leftovers and cuddled with him in bed until she fell asleep, the day forgotten. But Meredith was in town, and, per their discussions on the subject, Kate staying at her place for the duration of the visit was probably safest for everyone involved.
It didn't matter that she'd basically lived with them for four weeks before this and was planning to live there again, as soon as the witc…as soon as Meredith left. She was okay, here in her apartment—her dusty, cold, listless apartment. She could be content here, alone, without Alexis next to her on the couch, and Rick's body beside her in her bed.
She snorted quietly. Of course she wasn't okay here, alone. For all the fighting she'd done to be independent while her damn shoulder healed, she had shamelessly enjoyed having people around. Those two weeks of leave, the first spent in agony in bed, and the second spent in agitation and restlessness, had been two of the best weeks of her life. Yes, there had been pain. Yes, she'd gone a bit stir crazy. But she'd done it with them, at the loft, in the comfort of family.
She sighed, pushing memories of movie nights and bedtime stories aside. This was Meredith's week, even though she was three weeks late. She sneered and then flicked her own face in disgust. She couldn't be jealous of the time Meredith got to spend with Alexis. That was just wrong, on every level. But, wrong or not, she felt it. She had no legal claim to Alexis, no real, tangible proof of their bond. But Alexis was hers.
Kate shook her head violently, to rid it of the thoughts she shouldn't have, and sat up, her muscles protesting. She ought to take a Tylenol, or an Aleve. Rick would be hounding her by now, if she were ho…at the loft...at her future home. Kate sighed. She was excited to move to the loft. She was. But there was still a part of her that was having trouble wrapping her head around it. This, however, was not the night to get caught up in the giddy disbelief. She just needed to take care of her basic human needs before she could collapse into bed.
She stood up slowly and walked into her bedroom, shedding her uniform top and slacks with care and the slightest sound of labored breathing. The physical therapy had left her well enough to fire a gun, but she wasn't dumb enough to think she was fully healed.
She shrugged on one of Rick's button downs that she'd pilfered when she'd packed her suitcase at the loft on Saturday. She'd still ended up leaving half of her clothes there. But she had her sweats and the green shirt. She could just…get over herself and make something to eat, because she had to eat. If she lost weight this week, Rick would never shut up about it.
She meandered back into her own kitchen and poked around, trying to pluck up the resolve to just make something. Her phone rang. With a grimace, part in pain from standing up too quickly, and part in frustration of maybe having another case, Kate returned to the living room and picked up the cell.
"Beckett," she answered tiredly.
"Hello, Miss Beckett, it's Toby."
"Hi, Toby," Kate replied, her voice lighter. Toby, her doorman, was a nice older guy with a wife and adorable twin little girls. "What's up?"
"I have something of yours, I believe," he said, almost guardedly. "Can I send it up?"
"Sure?" Kate shrugged. "Everything alright?"
"Why don't you tell me tomorrow," he suggested. "Have a good night, Miss Beckett."
Kate stared at her phone as he clicked off. What the hell did that mean? She set the phone down and then walked slowly to her door. Should she have her gun ready? No, Toby wouldn't send her something dangerous. And it wasn't like someone would want to get into her apartment to hurt her, or damage anything. She tried to find that Cop calm she was so proud of; a call from the doorman shouldn't create this much anxiety. The knock came a minute later and Kate hesitantly opened the door.
She was wholly unprepared for the result. "Alexis?" she breathed, looking down at the little girl, who stared up at her with wide, red-rimmed blue eyes.
"Hi," she whispered.
Kate pulled the door wide and ushered her into the apartment, before shutting it and turning the lock. Alexis stood in her foyer, tears silently running down her cheeks as she twisted her hands together. Kate knelt and placed her hands on the girl's hips.
"Honey, why are you here?" she asked quietly, her earlier hunger, frustration and aches forgotten.
Alexis looked down at Kate's hands. "I…Mommy and Daddy were…" she met Kate's eyes. "I needed to leave. They were so loud, Kate."
Oh, God, she'd run away? "Alexis, baby, please tell me you told your Daddy you were coming here?" Please, please say she'd told them.
Alexis bit her lip and shook her head. "I'm sorry."
"You ran away from home?" Kate asked, needing absolute confirmation.
"Not really," Alexis equivocated. "I ran here."
Kate nodded slowly, taking a deep breath. She needed some vital questions answered before she could let part of her mind freak out. "How did you get here?"
"Ernie drove me. I…I begged Eduardo to let me go, and told him…I…"
"Did you tell him Rick said you could come?" Kate asked, waiting for the nod of confirmation. "But Ernie drove you straight here, and you weren't alone until the elevator, right?" Another nod.
Kate sighed. What a mess. "Okay. We'll talk about running away after we talk about why." Alexis bit her lip, but nodded again. "Now, I need to call your Dad so that he's not worried."
"He's gonna be angry," Alexis whispered sadly. "But I just…they were so…so loud, and Mommy said…I…I'm sorry." She broke down and cried without restraint, and Kate hauled her into her chest, cradling her against her shoulder.
"Oh, Sweetie," Kate whispered, rocking them from side to side. "It's okay. We're okay. We'll get this sorted out."
"Daddy told her to be qu…quiet but she wouldn't and I couldn't sleep…"
Why was she suddenly sure that this conversation was going to break her heart? "Okay. Alexis, Honey, why don't you go sit down on the couch while I call your Dad."
Alexis nodded and stepped back, letting Kate guide her over to the couch. She clambered up and shoved herself into the corner, holding a pillow against her chest like a shield. What had that woman said that had hurt her so much?
Kate picked up her cell phone and sat down beside Alexis, extending an arm for the girl. Alexis slowly cuddled up to her and buried her head in the crook of her shoulder. Kate listened to the ring of his cell as she ran a hand over Alexis' hair and along her back. She hadn't even put on a jacket to come here; she was just wearing a thin flannel night-gown and boots that she was currently toeing off.
Come on, Rick. Pick up the phone. But no dice. It rang and rang until she hit his voicemail. Kate sighed and ended the call. She rarely called the house, but perhaps that's what it would take this time.
Two rings later, Rick picked up. "Hello?" he barked, obviously not quite done fighting yet.
"Rick," Kate said quietly, feeling Alexis burrow deeper into her side.
"Kate? Is…what's up?"
"Well, your daughter is currently sitting on my couch," she replied bluntly. His kid had left the house, and he hadn't noticed, because apparently, he'd been fighting so loudly that he didn't hear the door open and close. "I thought you should know," she added. Was she angry? Was she worried? Kate couldn't really tell. Her emotions were too many and passing through too quickly to catalog.
"Alexis is there?" He asked, breathless. "Shut up, Meredith," she heard, muffled. "Our kid just ran away. Stop yelling about this for one goddamned second!"
"Rick," Kate prompted.
"Kate, yes. God, she's there? She's with you? You promise?"
She would have slapped him. "Yes," she bit out. "She's here, and safe, and sobbing. So I'm going to go and figure out what's wrong."
"I'll be there in ten. Nine, if I…No, you're not staying here," he continued, not bothering to cover the phone this time. "No, Meredith. Our fight? Our…Alexis is gone, Meredith! Just get out. We'll finish this over the phone. Go back to LA. Just go."
Alexis wrapped a hand into Kate's blouse and shook her head slightly. "Make them stop," she whispered.
Kate leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "Rick, wait," she broke in.
"Wait? What?"
"Take some time," she hedged. Whatever they'd said had upset Alexis enough to run away. She didn't want him to come over and yell at his daughter, fresh from a fight with her neglectful mother. That wouldn't solve anything. "Go for a walk. Clear your head, okay? Get some ice cream, because I'm all out, and then come over. An hour, Rick. Can you do that?"
"Kate," he breathed. "You want me to…come on, no. God, she ran away?"
Moments like these could define things. Moments like these were turning points. She was taking a step now, taking control, taking a stand for the little girl sobbing into her shoulder. If…if he didn't like it, then… "Yes. Take a walk. Cool off. Get yourself to a place where you can hug your kid. Don't come over here looking to blow more steam."
"Kate," he sounded unsure, unconvinced, confused.
"I'm telling you," she continued, gaining confidence. "You need to cool down. And we need ice cream."
"I…Kate, I don't…my kid…Kate," he sighed. He made her name sound like a cross between a whispered prayer and a plea.
"Rick," she softened her tone. "She's okay. She's right here, cuddled into my side. Take care of things on your end and then come see us. She's alright, I promise."
"Okay," she could almost see him bobbing his head. "Okay. A hour?"
"An hour."
"Okay. I…Tell her I love her? And…so many things. Just that I love her, okay?"
"I will," she replied, giving Alexis a little squeeze. "Now go calm down."
"Right."
She clicked off and then sat for a silent second, bracing herself for what was to come. She placed the phone onto the coffee table and then leaned back to look at the little girl beside her, pale skin pink from crying, eyes wet, nose running.
"Alright, kiddo. Tell me what's wrong," she said quietly, shifting so that Alexis was cradled in her lap.
The girl was quiet for a minute, her fingers toying with Kate's buttons. "Mommy was supposed to take me to dinner tonight," she began, her voice soft and steady, almost resigned. "And she didn't come. So Daddy and I made pizza and played laser tag. I think he did it because he wanted to cheer me up. He was supposed to be writing."
Kate rubbed her back and listened sadly. Rick was supposed to be writing. It was why Kate hadn't gone over for a visit. But his time was definitely much better spent cheering Alexis up. "What happened after your night?" she asked when Alexis grew silent again.
The little girl sighed. "I was ready for bed and came down to tell Daddy, and Mommy came. She was carrying lots of bags and saying she was sorry for missing dinner and Daddy…they fought, but really quiet, in whispers." She gave a small snort. "I know when they're fighting. I don't know why they hide it."
Kate simply held her tighter. "They want to protect you, Sweetie."
"They don't do a very good job," Alexis replied instantly, her voice louder and less subdued than before. "But…" she took a deep, calming breath. No eight year old should know how to do that. "But Daddy tucked me in and read me a story and promised to make me pancakes before school tomorrow."
"But you didn't go to sleep, huh?" Kate asked, parts of the story falling into place. God, what an awful mess they'd made for this little girl.
"No," Alexis whispered. "I could…I could hear them."
"In the office?"
Alexis nodded. "Daddy was angry that Mommy hadn't come, like she said she would."
Kate waited. She didn't want to agree with Rick; this was still Alexis' mother. She couldn't pretend that she wouldn't have sided with him though. The woman needed to either keep her promises, or stop making them.
"I was mad too," Alexis added, so quietly that Kate nearly missed it. "And I…" she glanced up at Kate, as if waiting to be reprimanded.
"It's okay to be angry, Alexis," Kate told her. "If I didn't show for something, would you be mad, if I'd promised?"
Alexis nodded slowly. "But I'd forgive you, 'cause I love you."
"Love you too, Munchkin." Oh, this little girl. Her poor little girl. "What happened next?" she asked gently.
"I went and sat on the stairs," she whispered. "I just wanted to…wanted to know why." She looked away again, even pulling back so that she was sitting farther away on Kate's lap.
"Know why?" Kate prompted.
"Why I'm not good enough," Alexis murmured. "Why…why the dinner with the big producer was more important than me, again. Why she never…never keeps her promises."
"Oh, Honey," Kate sighed, at a loss. Oh, Alexis.
"And she said…she said that it was for her career," Alexis sniffled. "And Daddy said that I was more important, that I should be more important to Mommy." She bit her lip and Kate watched another tear fall down her face.
"Alexis?" she asked quietly, feeling the girl form her hands into fists against her thighs.
"She said that this role was the biggest, best thing that had ever happened to her," she replied, with so much hurt and sadness that Kate felt a tear slip down her own cheek. "And Daddy said I was the best thing that had ever…had ever happened…and Mommy started screaming about…about him making her the bad one and that it was his fault that I felt…that I felt like I wasn't important and I…" she turned fully and met Kate's eyes. "I ran away."
Kate didn't know what to say. How did you comfort a child after that? How did you redeem her mother after that? How? Because Kate didn't know. All she knew was that there was a little girl—the brightest, sweetest, most wonderful girl—sitting on her lap with a broken heart, and she had no idea how to mend it.
"Why am I not good enough?" Alexis asked her, searching her eyes. "Why doesn't Mommy love me?
"Oh, Alexis," Kate breathed. "Your mother does love you. You know that, deep down."
Alexis shrugged jerkily, emotion straining against the muted gesture. "But not enough to stay, right? Not enough for me to…for me to be important," she sobbed, catapulting herself into Kate's shoulder, winding her arms around her neck. "What's wrong with me?"
"Nothing," Kate replied firmly, wrapping her arms around the girl's back and pressing her cheek to the back of her head. "Nothing is wrong with you."
"But…" she argued.
"No, Alexis," Kate interrupted. "You are an amazing, wonderful, beautiful, special little girl, and you are worth all the love and importance in the world."
"But something must be wrong with me. Have you seen it yet? Are you going to leave too?" she wept, though Kate could hear the fear there.
"Never," she promised, finding strength for her voice, though all she wanted to do was break down and sob too. "I will never leave you. There is nothing wrong with you, Alexis." She gently shifted the little girl back so that she could cup her cheeks, bringing clouded blue eyes to meet hers. "I love you more than anything in the whole world, and I am not going to walk away from you. Do you believe me?"
Alexis stared into her eyes for a moment and then nodded slowly. "I believe you."
"You are important Alexis. You are worth all the love we have for you. And your Mommy does love you. She needs to sort out her priorities, but sometimes grownups are…" Should she? Did she have the right? Kate looked at the girl on her lap, the girl that had run to her. "Sometimes grownups are stupid, Alexis, and they still have growing up to do. But your Mom? She loves you. I promise you that too."
Alexis just blinked and Kate watched her lip tremble. "You love me," she whispered.
"I do."
Alexis nodded again and then shifted so that she could curl up against Kate, her face pressed into Kate's neck. Kate rubbed her back and rocked them side-to-side again, kissing her forehead. "I love you so much," she repeated.
When she'd hit her twenties, Kate hadn't imagined that she'd have a kid before she was thirty, if that early. Technically, she still didn't. However, four years ago, she wouldn't have imagined herself into this situation either—playing surrogate parent—being a surrogate parent. But life didn't fit into plans, and now she couldn't imagine life without this. It didn't make reality less painful though. Alexis sniffled and Kate's heart cracked just a bit more. It hurt, to see her little girl like this, especially because she didn't have any control.
Sure, she could assert her place, convince Rick to calm down, give Alexis a hug—but at the end of the day, Alexis wasn't hers. All those weeks at the loft, taking care of her, and being taken care of, had left Kate feeling extremely maternal. Now, that feeling intensified, but so did the flip side. She wasn't Alexis' mother.
"Kate?" she mumbled after a long silence had passed.
"Yes, Honey?"
"I wish…" she pulled back to look at Kate. "I wish you…I wish you were my Mom," she whispered. "Because…Because I…I just…please?"
"Alexis," Kate breathed in reply. She wasn't her mother, but oh, how she wanted to be. "I…oh, Sweetie. I would…" She had so many words, so many things, so many 'yeses' and 'pleases' and 'of courses,' but they stuck in her throat, behind a lump so large that it hurt.
"I know…I know you're too young, and I'm not…I'm not yours, but…but I wish I was. I…is that…is that okay?"
She swallowed and nodded shakily. "It's okay, Honey. Yes, it's so very okay." This little girl wanted her to be her Mommy? Was she crying too? Yes, those were tears pouring down her cheeks while they hugged. This was not how she'd seen her life four years ago. Alexis was right; she was too young to really be her mother. It was possible, but at the time, Kate had been more focused on grades and third base than babies and diapers.
Twenty-four was young to be a mother—a real mother. She knew that. She'd come to terms with it. Twenty-four was young to be an Officer, slated for Detective before summer. Twenty-four was young to be in love with the one. Twenty-four was just young, all around. But Kate had never been very good at being young. She'd refused a night-light when she was three, just to stare down the darkness. She'd read the classics in middle school, tirelessly trudging through them, forcing her young mind to understand concepts far beyond her ken. She'd dated men too old for her in college, staunchly pretending they weren't. She'd spent a life being too old for her age.
Sometimes, the false maturity messed with her. Sometimes it catapulted her into situations that were hard, or terrible, or tragic. Sometimes, it kept her from drowning like her father, but stole the last vestiges of her innocence. But sometimes, like now, with this amazing little girl looking into her eyes, asking for something she wasn't positive she was ready for, her false maturity met her with confidence. She'd be whatever Alexis needed from her, because that, regardless of age, or place, or status, was what she was meant to do.
"It doesn't make me a horr…horrible daughter?" Alexis asked, her voice trembling.
"No," Kate told her, running her thumbs over the girl's cheeks. "No, Sweetie, it makes you human. Someday, whether that's a week from now, or years, you will make peace with your Mom. But right now? If you want to be angry, that's okay."
"Really?"
"Really," Kate promised, leaning in to kiss Alexis' forehead. "You can be mad, or angry, or sad, Alexis. You're entitled to your emotions. You don't have to hide them from me, okay?"
"I'm just…I'm tired of pretending that she's perfect, Kate," Alexis whispered. "Because she's not! She's selfish," she added, the last word falling from her lips on a ragged, fearful breath. "And I just want her to be like you, because you're perfect. Why doesn't she love me like you? How can you love me more than my own Mommy?"
"Alexis," Kate said, catching a falling tear with her thumb. "Your Mommy loves you. She truly does. She may not be the best at showing it, but she does." It physically hurt to defend this woman. "And yes, I love you so, so much. But that doesn't mean that your Mommy doesn't."
"But you call, and you tuck me in, and you come to my school to pick me up. And you make me dinner. And you play with me. And you…please, Kate? Please be my Mommy."
Oh, ask her for anything else. Anything. She'd go out and rob a bank right now. But she couldn't give Alexis that, not in those words at least. "I will always, always be there for you, Alexis. I will tuck you in and call and go to school and make you dinner and play with you. I will be here whenever you need me, baby."
"But you can't…you can't be my Mommy, right?" she asked, her small lips curving into a sad smile. "I know it doesn't work like that. But I just…" she took a breath and reached out to fiddle with the chain around Kate's neck. "I know that you miss your Mommy," she whispered. "And I thought, maybe…it's not the same, but maybe if you were mine, then you would miss yours less and I'd have you so I wouldn't need my Mommy."
Another tear slipped down Kate's cheek. "Oh, Honey," she murmured.
Alexis met her eyes again. "I'm sorry you don't have your Mommy."
"But I have you," Kate replied, the worlds tumbling out of her mouth. It wasn't the same, she knew. But this, right now, filled a hole that Kate hadn't known existed. "And we'll always have each other, okay?"
"Promise?" Alexis whispered.
"I promise," Kate assured her.
Alexis smiled tearfully and wrapped her arms back around Kate's neck, leaning in to rest her head on her shoulder. Kate rubbed her back and bent her head to rest her cheek against the girl's red hair. How could you do anything less than love this child with everything you had? She honestly worried about what she'd do the next time she saw Meredith. Rick wasn't high on her list right now either, though he wasn't slated for death just yet. But how consumed by an argument would you have to be to not notice your own kid running away? And why did he let it get so out of hand? Why did they let it get so out of hand? Alexis had run away.
"Alexis," Kate murmured.
"Yeah?"
"We need to talk about you running away," she said gently.
"But I came here," Alexis replied quietly. Kate could hear both the pain and the false hope there. "I came to you."
"I know," Kate sighed. She couldn't let her get away with it though, no matter how much the words twistedly warmed her heart. "And I'm glad you came to me, but you still ran away from home."
"I couldn't stay," she whispered. "I just…I needed you, but Mommy was there, and Daddy was yelling, and I…"
Kate kissed the top of her head and then shifted her back so that they could look at each other. "I understand Alexis. You had very good reasons for coming here."
"But I still ran away," Alexis continued for her. "I'm sorry."
"Honey, I don't want you to be sorry. I want you to understand how dangerous it is to run away from home." The body of the little girl from two months ago flashed before her eyes and Kate swallowed hard. "Bad things happen to little girls, Alexis. And you know that none of us, me, your Dad or your Mom, could ever live without you."
"I didn't…" Alexis mumbled.
"I know you didn't think about it, Alexis," Kate replied. "And that's why you have to promise me that you'll never, ever run away again."
Alexis searched her eyes. "But what if…but I needed you," she protested, her hands wrapping into Kate's shirt. "I needed you."
Kate let out a slow breath. It was hard to fight that logic. Alexis had made the decision for the right reasons, but the conclusion, the outcome, had been faulty. "You could have called me, Alexis. I would have come and gotten you," she told her.
"Really?" The disbelief in the little voice nearly broke her heart all over again.
"Of course," Kate replied, reaching down to take Alexis' hands. "I will always be there if you need me. Just like your Daddy will. If you're in trouble, you call us, okay? You're lucky that you have a driver and doormen who care about you, but Honey, something terrible could have happened to you tonight."
"I'm sorry," Alexis said sadly. "I'm really sorry. I didn't think. I just…I needed you, and I knew that…I knew that Ernie would take me. And I…I lied to Eduardo," she bent her head. "I'm a bad person."
Oh, God, this child. "Alexis," Kate prompted, waiting until the girl raised her head. "You are not a bad child at all. We all make mistakes. And I'm glad you're here, so we could have this talk. You did something that wasn't smart, but you're not bad, Honey."
"But I…I lied to Eduardo," she whispered. "And I ran away, and scared Daddy, and…"
Kate lifted a finger and covered Alexis' lips. "You can apologize to Eduardo, and you can give your Dad a hug and maybe lose a little TV time this week." Alexis sighed but nodded and bit her lip. "But you are not a bad girl, Alexis. You are the best little girl ever, you understand?"
Alexis giggled and wiped her eyes. "Will you make cookies with me for Eduardo?"
Kate smiled. "Of course. Did he like them at Christmas?"
Alexis nodded. "He liked the peanut butter ones best."
"I say we make those then," Kate said decisively. "How about Friday night?"
Alexis cocked her head. "Are you coming home now that Mommy's gone?" she asked quietly.
Kate blinked. The thought hadn't even occurred to her. She was supposed to stay at her apartment until Meredith left, but it sounded like she was already gone. Did that mean that she'd go back to the loft now? Did she stay the week like she'd planned? And when did they pack? And would…would everything she'd just said be alright with Rick? They'd never talked about her role with Alexis, outside of the nebulous conversations about parenthood they'd had two months ago.
"I don't know, Sweetie. I'll ask your Dad when he gets here," she replied slowly.
Alexis took a deep breath. "Is he going to be mad? He doesn't get mad very often."
"I don't know, Alexis," Kate replied honestly. She hadn't gotten a clear read off of him when they'd spoken on the phone, before Alexis had said she wanted Kate to be her Mommy. Wow. "But he'll be here soon, and even if he is angry, he won't be for long. I think he'll just be happy to see you," she told her.
As she finished speaking, a key turned in the lock and Rick practically fell through the door. He shut it and then dropped the bag of ice cream on the foyer bureau before rushing over to them and kneeling on the floor. He pulled Alexis into his arms and clutched her to him while she shuddered into his shoulder, crying again.
"I'm sorry, Daddy," she whispered.
"You really scared me, Kiddo," he whispered back. "But I'm glad you went to Kate." He looked up and met her eyes. "Promise me that you'll never run away again. Especially once Kate's moved in with us."
The breath she hadn't known she was holding whooshed out and Kate let herself slump against the pillows while Alexis said she promised over and over. Even if it had meant that she wouldn't move in with them, Kate wouldn't have changed anything about tonight and how she handled Alexis' appearance. But it was utterly calming to know that Rick wasn't upset.
The hunger that had disappeared when Alexis arrived returned and Kate sighed. She cast a fond look at the pair on the floor and then stood up, biting her lip to keep from groaning. Her shoulder ached and felt heavy. Perhaps she did need that Tylenol after all.
"I'm going to get us some ice cream," she told them, giving Rick a soft smile as she walked back to the foyer.
The ice cream was a bit soft, but that wasn't an issue; it just made it easier to spoon into three large bowls. She worked in silence, listening to Alexis and Rick murmuring in the living room. She'd wanted to give them time alone, and had needed her own breather. Every day she grew closer to both of them. Loving them had just been the beginning of it, not the end, not even the middle. Now she was in so deep that she'd never swim back. Alexis wanted her to be her Mommy. And she'd taken a parenting stand against Rick. She still had things to say to him; she just didn't know how to say them.
But the ice cream would melt if she stood there any longer. She shoved the carton into her freezer and then downed a Tylenol with a glass of water before bringing the three bowls back to the living room. Alexis and Rick were cuddled up on her sofa, Alexis now sitting on Rick's lap as he whispered into her ear. She beamed up at Kate and accepted her bowl, sliding off of Rick's knees to settle in between the two adults when Kate sat down.
"Everything all squared away, you two?" Kate asked, taking a big bite of her ice cream. It was cool on her throat and set off some small memory of having her own ice cream after a punishment, argument or problem as a child.
"Alexis understands why I was so worried, has promised not to run away again, and will be spending an hour tomorrow helping me mail letters," Rick replied, running a hand through Alexis' hair as his ice cream sat uneaten on the table in front of them.
"But Daddy says I don't have to lick the envelopes, so it's okay. And I do promise not to do it again," Alexis added. "And I promise to call you before if I ever need to."
Kate nodded and nudged the little girl. "We'll put me on speed dial, hmm?"
Alexis giggled and leaned into Kate's side, her body finally sagging after all of the adrenaline and tears had faded away. "You're comfy," she offered sleepily, the sugar of the ice cream seeming only to serve to make her more tired.
"And you're going to fall asleep in your desert," Kate laughed. "Come on, kiddo. Let's get you into bed."
"Are we staying here?" Alexis mumbled while Rick removed her bowl and stood up.
Rick looked down at them and met Kate's eyes. "That's really up to Kate, Honey," he replied, raising an eyebrow.
"We can bunk in my bed. It's big enough for three, in a squeeze. And it's ridiculously late for you, little miss," Kate decided. She didn't really want them to leave, and she was sore and tired; trudging back to Casa Castle seemed like too much work, all around.
"Sounds like a plan," Rick nodded. "Come on, Lex. Let's get you into bed. Kate and I'll join you in a little while."
Alexis took her father's hands and stood up, rubbing her eye with one hand while Rick led Alexis back into the bedroom. Kate followed slowly, watching as Rick guided Alexis into the bathroom. Kate rolled her neck and went to turn down the bed, forcing her worries to the back of her mind. They'd talk, and whatever happened, happened. There was no use worrying over it, even for a few minutes.
"You're sure you want us bunking here?" Rick asked quietly, standing at her side as she spread the pillows out and then stood straight again. She smiled as she felt his hand come to rest on the small of her back.
"I'm sure," she replied. "We all need sleep, and dragging her back to the loft won't help her. And I'd rather…" she broke off. Sleeping without him, even for the past five days, had been difficult. She'd gotten so used to it throughout her recovery, and now…she missed him.
"I sleep better with you there," he said quietly. "So I'm happy to stay."
It didn't seem like he was mad. That was reassuring, at least. Alexis came out of the bathroom then and clambered up onto the bed, crawling to the pillows and slipping under Kate's comforter, her little body dwarfed by the large bed.
"Love you," Alexis mumbled, looking up at them. "And thanks, Kate."
Kate smiled and placed a knee on the bed to lean over the little girl and kiss her forehead. "Anytime, Alexis. I love you. Sleep tight."
Alexis smiled and Kate leaned back, allowing Rick to do the same. The little girl closed her eyes as Rick straightened up and Kate dimmed the lights. They stood there watching her for a moment, before Kate took Rick's hand and led him out of the bedroom, closing the door as they went. She walked them back into the kitchen and then dropped his hand and leaned against the counter, observing him.
He ran a hand through his messy hair and let out a sigh before sinking into one of the wooden chairs around her small table. "My kid ran away."
"Your kid ran away," Kate repeated, giving her own small sigh. "She said you guys were screaming."
Rick nodded. "Meredith more than me, but I…" he looked up with a self-deprecating smile. "I'm good at matching her."
"You didn't hear her leave?"
He shook his head and she watched as he wrapped a hand around one of the wooden spokes of the back of the chair, squeezing until his knuckles turned white. "I had no idea she was gone until you called."
Kate bobbed her head. "Do you have any idea of when she actually left?"
He met her eyes. "No. I get the feeling that you do, though."
Kate took a deep breath. He needed to hear it. He needed to know what his screaming matches with that woman did to his daughter. Her place or not, he needed to know, because Alexis needed him to know. "She left right after you told Meredith that Alexis should be the most important thing in her life, and she told you that the role she just got was the best thing that ever happened to her. Alexis says Meredith lit into you about you making her look bad, and then Alexis left—just got up and left. She wasn't even wearing a jacket."
Rick slumped forward. "She heard that?"
"Rick, she heard everything up until that point," Kate replied, her voice gentle, even though she could hear the bite behind it. "The last time this happened we could hear everything too, but Alexis was tired and I was there to distract her. Your apartment's not that soundproof."
"So you think I shouldn't fight with her? She didn't show, again, Kate. Come on. What was I supposed to do?" he asked, raising his head to look at her.
Kate steeled herself. He'd always said they were equals. She wanted the best for Alexis, just like he did. She could do this. "You need to wait to fight like this until she's out of the house," she replied, keeping her voice even.
His eyebrows rose. "Seriously?"
"Seriously. You didn't see her, Rick. She was crying when she got here—full on water works. And that's after the fifteen minutes it takes to get here from the loft."
His eyebrows fell and the spark that had lit his eyes at her suggestion disappeared. "How long?"
"How long was she crying? A good thirty minutes after that. Do you have any idea how much it hurt for her to hear all of that? It's not like she doesn't know Meredith's absent and self-absorbed. But it's different to actually hear it," Kate told him. She tried to keep her voice steady and calm, but she was still worked up, beneath the layers of self-imposed restraint. "She wanted to know what was wrong with her—what made her unworthy of Meredith's love. She wanted to know when I'd see it, Rick."
"What?" he breathed.
"She thinks there's something wrong with her," Kate repeated. There was no trace of objectivity to her now. She was hunched against the counter, her arms crossed over her chest, fists clenched. "She asked…she asked me why I couldn't be her mother, Rick, because she wants Meredith to love her like I do."
"I…"
"You can't do that with her around. It hurts her, Rick. It's going to leave a lasting mark on that girl. You just can't fight with her around."
"I didn't know she was listening," he argued.
"You didn't think about it," Kate hissed. They were being quiet, their voices shooting across the small kitchen in whispers and murmurs. She wouldn't let Alexis in on this fight. "You get too caught up in the hurt and pain between you and Meredith. You did it when they got back from Paris too. And I know you fight whenever you're together; Alexis has said so."
"I don't let…"
"You do," Kate cut him off. "You let your anger get the best of you and you don't remember that you've got a little kid upstairs."
"That's not true," he growled.
Kate met his glare with her own. "It is," she replied. "I'm not faulting you, Rick. It's understandable. It's normal. But it's not okay. Not with Alexis. One day, you guys are going to have a knockdown, drag-out, and she'll say something that Alexis won't ever get over. And you don't want that for her. I know you, Rick." She paused and uncurled at the stunned look on his face. "You're a great Dad," she added softly. "You are. This is your Ex-Wife we're talking about. You get to be irrational about her. But you just can't do it with Alexis around."
"You're saying this is my fault?" he asked, his voice harder than she expected it to be.
"No," she replied. She needed to pretend he was just someone across the table, getting angry because she was insinuating he had a hand in a murder. If she let her emotions come out to play, they'd blow up. And aside from the ramifications that could have for them, it would ruin Alexis. "I'm not saying it's your fault. I'm saying that you were part of a situation that led to your daughter running away. It's not about fault. It's just about making sure it doesn't happen again."
"Meredith was yelling too," Rick bit out. "She was the one that made her run away."
Kate took a deep, steadying breath. She wouldn't sink down to his level. He'd been the mature, calm, focused one in this relationship before. It was her turn now. "You yelled back," she told him. "And no, what you said didn't make Alexis run away. But we both know that you're the one who can stop it. Meredith doesn't have the ability to step back and see how it's hurting your daughter."
"So I'm just supposed to rise above it and not care when her mother doesn't come for dinner, or Christmas or Easter? I'm just supposed to leave it? I shouldn't fight for my kid?" God, he sounded so angry and confused and hurt.
"I'm not saying that," Kate sighed. "I'm just saying that you wait until Alexis is out of the house before you do it. You should fight with Meredith about this, Rick. Hell, let me at her. You won't even have anything to fight with anymore after that."
"I…" he scrubbed at his face with his hands. "She heard everything?" he whispered, the fight leaving his eyes as he looked up at her. "And she ran away. She said she lied to Eduardo. She never lies!"
His breathing was speeding up and she watched his fists clenching and unclenching again. "Rick, hey," she said quietly, crossing the few steps between them to reach out and run a hand through his hair. "She's okay."
"She came all the way here? Did she…she could have…Kate, God, my kid…"
"It's okay," she murmured, cupping his cheeks. "Hey, she's just fine. We just tucked her in."
"I made my kid run away. How is that okay?" he asked.
The look on his face nearly made her cry. "She's safe, and warm, and asleep, Rick. And yeah, you fought with Meredith and Alexis ran away. But nothing you've said or done has caused her pain. Meredith is the one to blame here. And as long as you don't fight with Alexis around, this won't ever happen again."
"Thanks for being someone she can go to," he replied after a minute of labored breathing, his hands coming to rest on her waist as she stood over him. "I can't even…you…please come back with us tomorrow?"
Kate leaned down and kissed his forehead, happy to be able to make it better in some way. "Yes."
"How can I thank…it was never supposed to be your responsibil…Thank you," he managed.
Kate pinched his ear and he gasped, looking up at her in surprise. "Don't thank me for loving your daughter."
He went from confused to smiling. "Alright. She wants you to be her Mom, huh?" he added, the information coming back to him, making his grin bigger.
"Only because her Mom doesn't treat her as well as I do," Kate returned. "I don't…it's wonderful, but it makes me hurt for her."
"You'd make a fantastic mother, Katherine," he said quietly. "You already do."
Kate met his eyes, a knot in her chest easing. Oh, she'd been worried that he'd feel she'd overstepped. Right. "Don't get any ideas, Mr. Castle," she said, instead of falling into him and kissing him senseless.
He just smiled up at her. She could see the anxiety that still lurked behind his eyes—the lingering self-doubt and pain the entire evening had caused still running at the back of his mind. But still, he smiled and the sight of it warmed her entire body. "Oh, I have ideas. But first, I think we should think about boxing up all of your stuff to take home tomorrow."
"No," she laughed, watching as his face fell. "No, not tonight," she amended, rolling her eyes as he brightened again. "Tonight we need to sleep, and tomorrow I need to go to work."
"Right," he sighed. "You must be exhausted. You nearly inhaled that ice cream. Have you eaten or slept at all since Saturday?" He looked her over and Kate fought the urge to shy away, like he'd just know that she hadn't been keeping up with her own health.
She shrugged. "I've done alright for myself."
"Liar," he chuckled, squeezing her waist.
"Yes, well, tonight is your night for comfort, not mine," she replied, bending down press a gentle kiss to his lips. "So come on, I'm exhausted, and you look like you're about to fall over."
She took his hands and pulled him up to stand with her. As soon as he was on his feet, he hauled her into his chest and buried his face into her hair. She ran her hands comfortingly over his back and neck, swaying side to side as he took a few deep breaths. She supposed he needed this, and she knew that she did too. The whole evening had been a whirlwind and she was emotionally and physically drained.
"You know," he said as he pulled back and looked at her. "I've never slept in your bed."
"Guess we should remedy that," she laughed, turning and stepping away to lead him to her bedroom. "And maybe if you're a very good boy, I can sleep in your bed tomorrow night," she added as she stopped at her bedroom door.
He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her stomach, pulling her back into his chest. "No," he whispered in her ear. She turned her head to look at him, but he kept her pressed to his chest. "Tomorrow night, you'll be home, sleeping in our bed, and you won't be going anywhere for a long time."
Author's Note: So, as I said, I've been looking forward to this chapter for a long time. I hope I did it justice. It was a conflict I was always really interested in. And there will be more conflict, of other sorts, to come soon.
Thank you all for being so amazingly supportive and amazing, as you always are. I love getting to hear from you, and I find your opinions, reviews, input and thoughts endlessly interesting and entertaining.
Love you guys.
Emma