The radio woke them. Rush started violently. The message repeated.
"Rush? This is Brody, come in." A pause. "Doctor Rush?"
Young woke as he did, loosening arms tightened around Rush to let him roll over and grab the radio on the side, sitting up as he did so.
"What is it Brody?" Rush's voice was sleepy, accent bleeding through.
"We've found another eroded valve in the inhabited area."
"Shite."
Young watched him snap to alertness instantly.
"Lieutenant Scott has got a couple of the marines keeping people out of the area, but we need to fix the problem."
"Agreed, where are you?" Rush was already leaning over the edge of the bed, feeling for his clothes as he spoke.
"Near Scott's quarters, junction with the food store corridor."
"Fine, go ahead with establishing the extent of the problem, I'll be there. Rush out."
He put the radio down on the counter with a click, pulling his second t-shirt over his head. "I have to go." He told Young.
Young looked up at him nodding. "Go fix it."
Rush swung his legs round, wincing as bare feet hit the cold floor and reaching for the rest of his clothes. Young reached for his own.
"What time is it?" he asked over his shoulder.
Young paused his dressing to check Rush's mobile. "Half ten. We didn't set an alarm."
"Shite."
Young stood and pulled on his pants. "I'll check the coast is clear for you."
Rush grabbed his mobile and shoved it in his pocket.
Young opened the door, looked out and nodded."You're good."
Rush slid out and strode off towards the rest of the science team.
xxxoooxxx
Young sat at his desk staring at the laptop screen. In theory he was reviewing the shift rotas for the bridge, hydroponics, armoury and other key areas, filling the gaps left by Ramirez and Chu's deaths. In practice his mind was racing over the same thought over and over again. He had kissed Rush. He had kissed Rush and then fallen asleep without a further thought.
Until the morning.
And then Rush had been called away. Young was not sure if this was good or bad. The conversation was going to be extremely awkward, but leaving it longer could either give perspective or make the situation worse. He suspected it would be the latter.
But it had seemed so natural.
He had suddenly seen his own self recrimination mirrored in the other man, and he knew how that felt, knew how it ate at you and he did not want anyone to feel like that, particularly him. Young had cared that he felt like that. He had desperately wanted to say something to make Rush understand that. But for all the time they had spent together over the preceding months, the things they had told each other, he had no words that could make Rush believe anything he said to that effect.
So he had kissed him. Impulsively, but meaning what he was trying to express.
Damn the man, he just kept getting under Young's skin. Damn everything that kept them drifting back into each other's orbits. With time and perspective and a deal of difficult introspection that he had not really enjoyed Young could recognise the absences in both of their lives that had led to them opening up to each other in the first place. But he just kept going back and he knew he would do it again.
He could feel it clear in his memory, Rush's lips dry and soft under his, the slight scratch of beard, the surprised look on Rush's face as he pulled back a little.
"Everett!"
A voice cut through his reverie and his brain supplied the belated realisation that TJ had said "Colonel" several times already.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
She was standing in the open doorway watching him with some concern.
"You were miles away." She added. "Thinking about yesterday?"
"Yes…no…"
Young's mind wanted to shrug helplessly. What was he to say?
Last night I kissed a man I tried to kill a couple of years ago.
Last night I kissed Rush, and he let me.
She watched him turn the thoughts over in his brain.
Last night I kissed Rush, and I think given a similar situation I'd do it again.
Last night I kissed Rush and I liked it.
And damn but that was the heart of the problem. "Kind of." He said eventually.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
He stared at her, frozen in indecision. She looked at his face, then stepped in and hit the door control, closing the door. He did not move, leaning on his elbows in front of the laptop as she walked over. She sat on the edge of the desk looking down at him and he sat back.
"I'm assuming it isn't the accident." She said. "You'd have said something. Did you fight with Rush?"
"No." Young said, slightly more abruptly than he had intended.
"But it's about him." TJ said.
Young was silent but TJ pressed on.
"I know I'm your ex…"
Young winced.
"…but I'm also the only person who knows about your relationship with Rush."
"It's not a relationship." Young said automatically.
TJ regarded him, face impassive.
"Can you really say that?" She asked pointedly. "You're sleeping together," she caught his expression and rephrased, "okay, sleeping in the same bed on at least an occasional basis, and when I walked in on you that time you were curled up asleep practically in his lap. And he defended you."
Young looked away, down at the laptop screen again.
"I'm not saying you're in love with him, but you can't tell me there isn't some kind of relationship there. I'm not blind Everett."
He had forgotten how hard it was to lie to TJ. Apart from the guilt he felt, she was virtually always able to tell when he was lying. He took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. She was watching him, face sympathetic, waiting for him to tell her. His ex, and that thought was painful too. Honesty, it was not always the best policy, but suddenly he was tired of lying.
"I kissed him last night."
TJ smiled. Smiled! A little sadly maybe, a little ruefully, but she was smiling at the thought of him kissing Rush.
"It's not funny." He muttered.
"Everett, I have never met anyone with a bigger case of relationship denial than you." She said gently. "How long were we "not having a relationship" hey?"
He winced again.
"I'm not going to ask how long you've been "not having a relationship" with Rush, it's none of my business." She continued.
He scowled. "It was the first time I...either of us did anything like that."
"What kind of a kiss?" she asked.
"The usual, on the lips."
TJ gave him a look that suggested he was socially inept. He had seen her use it on Eli, James and Greer at various points in time, recognised exactly what it was.
"Okay. Let me phrase this another way, did you kiss him with the intention of taking it any further."
"No."
"Tongues?"
"No!"
He scowled at her slightly wicked look and received the social ineptitude look again. Young huffed out a breath and leaned forward again, resting on his elbows and looking up at her sideways. Why was he discussing this with her?
"No." he repeated. "I kissed him and then we went to sleep."
She tilted her head and looked at him. "And did either of you freak out?"
"No, he seemed a bit startled, but no, we went to sleep, he fell asleep before I did." He responded.
"Then why are you worried today?"
He looked at her helplessly. Why did she have so much more of a clue than him?
She shrugged. "Would you do it again?"
He looked away before responding. "In the same circumstances, yeah," he said quietly, "I think I would."
"Why did you kiss him?"
He looked up at the question, unsure if it was a question he really wanted to answer. Well, he had come this far…
"It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. He was unhappy, blaming himself for everything that happened yesterday. I didn't know what to say to let him know I actually gave a crap. It seemed to…be the right message."
TJ smiled at him again.
"You want my advice Everett?" she asked and moved on without waiting for a response. "Wait for the right moment and try it again."
He stared at the laptop screen again. "I'm sorry TJ."
She reached out and put a hand on his shoulder with a slightly troubled expression. "Don't take this the wrong way Everett," she said, "but I'm kinda relieved."
He looked up at her in surprise.
"We were failing at every turn," she said, "too much pain, too many things gone wrong, bad decisions. I can't do us. I can't do a relationship. I miss you, but I don't miss the feeling I'm getting it wrong every time and it's only going to get worse."
She stood, bent down and gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek.
"We would have been having this conversation even if you weren't seeing Rush."
"I'm not…"
"…Seeing Rush. I know." She laughed at him. "I can always use a friend though."
He smiled at her sadly.
"I'd better get back to the infirmary." She said quietly. "I've got things to finish writing up."
"What did you come for?" He asked her.
"Just to see how you were after yesterday."
"Not good but I'll survive." His brow furrowed as he spoke.
"I know." She reached out and squeezed his shoulder. "You'll be okay"
She left, closing the door again after her.
This time he knew he was crying and he knew why, however un-masculine it was. They had not been together for a long while, and she was right about them failing, but he cared about her, still loved her if he was truthful with himself, and with the closure of that door it still felt like she was leaving him. He let himself go for a little while before pulling himself together and splashing his face with water.
xxxoooxxx
Rush tried to focus on the work. It was important but he was struggling. Even Eli seemed to realise something was wrong with him as he kept shooting him sideways glances. He forced himself to concentrate as they refitted the valves to the section of corridor. This damaged section wasn't damaged to the extent of the section that had killed Chu and Ramirez and was consequently fairly straightforward to replace now, before it killed anyone. They worked through till lunchtime when he called a halt, needing a moment of quiet, even if he wasn't actually hungry.
Young had looked at him, had looked at him like...and kissed him, Young had kissed him damn him.
"Are you okay, man?" Eli asked him in a low voice.
They were walking about a dozen paces behind Brody and Volker.
"You look, you know, kind of bothered." Eli persisted.
"Thank you Eli," his voice was surprisingly steady, "unsurprisingly two people being killed yesterday does have some sort of effect."
Yes, it makes me fall to pieces and let Young…
"Uh, sorry. I guess…yeah."
"Quite." Rush scowled.
Damn Eli, damn Young, damn it all.
He ate the food as fast as possible, not even noticing what it was. He got about half way through before his stomach started to churn. He turned to Brody.
"You can finish without me."
"Yeah, sure." Brody was giving him a look that screamed concern.
"Good."
He got up and walked out of the mess hall, shoulders tight, hands clenching and releasing. People got out of his way. Rush barely noticed.
He walked straight to Young's room, the door was closed but he hit the switch and walked straight in, closing it behind him.
xxxoooxxx
Young looked up as Rush stormed in, at his desk on the laptop still trying to finish the rotas. He stared up at Rush.
"Why?" Rush demanded. "Why did you…?"
Young blinked at him, furrowing his brow, taking a second to catch up with the question. "Because you were beating yourself up about something that wasn't your fault, and so was I, and I didn't know what to say. Because strangely enough Rush, I actually give a shit." Young's voice sounded slightly hoarse to Young himself.
Rush was shaking, Young could not work out whether he was furious or terrified. Probably furious.
"Damn you," Rush snapped, "you bastard!"
Young had no idea what was going on in Rush's head. He stood and took a step towards Rush.
"You…!" Rush seemed to lose the words he needed. "You can't…!"
"I can't what? Talk to me Rush, make me understand. I want to understand."
Young caught the fist as it came towards him. There was not a great deal of power behind it anyway. He used the momentum to pull the angry man into him, pushing Rush's fist down to hold it at his side and wrapping his arm round him pinning Rush's left arm to his body and Rush to Young. Rush fought and struggled.
"Rush! Stop it!" Young did not raise his voice.
"You bastard!"
"What is wrong?" Young demanded into Rush's ear.
"Why?"
"I told you."
Young was struggling to understand Rush's reaction, the other man was still fighting and struggling. Young shoved, walking him backwards into the wall, using his weight to pin the smaller man.
"I should never have let you close." Rush snarled. "Don't touch me!"
"Good moment." Muttered Young sardonically. Rush struggled to free himself. "Nick!" he shouted the man's name directly into his face.
Momentarily Rush stopped and Young leaned in and kissed him again, not tentatively this time, a firm dry press of lips. Rush froze, then softened. Young kissed him again, slower and more gently, chaste and soft, then pulled back.
"Nick." He said gently, looking into his face in concern. His ability to read Rush's body language was failing him dramatically.
Rush was staring at him with a pained expression. With a final burst of strength, Rush shoved him away and stormed out of the room. Young stood there, staring at the door. That could have gone a lot better.
xxxoooxxx
Rush did not run, absolutely did not run from Young. He did set a good pace though, leaving the inhabited area far behind, shoes thudding on the decking in the corridor. He walked for the sake of walking, for the sake of not being still, to get away from both Young and himself, but it did not work. He absolutely could not accept this, could not accept someone this close, could not accept allowing himself to actually care about...to care that...
He stopped, rubbing at his face, grabbing a handful of hair and pressing into his scalp, taut with anger and an intensity of emotion that threatened to overwhelm him.
This was not...could not be...could not allow himself...not again.
He spun and slammed his fist into a bulkhead, feeling something give way excruciatingly. The pain rocketed through his hand and he clasped it to his chest, gripping his wrist tight with his other hand, but the pain gave him both focus and distance from his thoughts and he held the sensation of pain to himself, blocking out everything else that threatened to overwhelm him.
He found some quarters with a large window and sat on the bed, nursing his hand and staring blankly out of the window at the FTL light.