Bonus chapter no1

"Are you sure you don't want help with those files, dear?" Molly shouts after me as I push open the door with my elbow. She's seems more concerned than usual and I can guess why, but I'm really not in the mood to talk about it. Not while it's still sore.

"No, thanks, I'm all right!" I shout back, leaving the room quickly before she can question me any further, reaching the entry hall.

Almost immediately, the front door springs open and bumps straight into my cluster of files. Given any other time I would have started making jokes about it and pretending to be upset. But not today.

I don't even look up as I start fishing them up. Suddenly I feel the urge to get as far away from the Burrow as possible. For reasons I don't quite understand it reminds me of Remus and even the thought of his name stings. Surprisingly it feels even worse than when Jimmy cheated on me in fifth year. Another hand helps me scoop us the rest and hands them to me. I grab them automatically, with a short 'thanks', but something feels different.

A sudden chill goes down my spine and my stomach turns upside down as I silently pray it isn't him.

Heart pounding in my neck I raise my eyes. His expression is painful and despite his effort to keep it straight I read it like an open book.

Remus

I cannot show how much I've missed her and how hard I have to hold myself back from embracing her. The thought of being able to hold her in my arms is so intense I almost forget myself. Almost.

The pain is a thousand times worse now that I see her and that she's gazing at me like we're the only people left in this world. My prayers not to meet her haven't been answered.

Why does the universe hate me? I'd been perfectly fine(or as fine as a werewolf could be these days) and she just had to walk in my life, didn't she? And as if falling in love with her wasn't enough, she had to feel the same way! My life is officially more screwed than ever, because not having her feels like someone constantly grating my heart.

The door bangs on the wall because of the wind outside and I suddenly wake up from this reverie. Getting up and not taking my eyes away from her I say curtly:

"Please hit me as hard as you can!"

Tonks

I stare at him baffled. This was the last thing I'd expected him to say. I stand up straight and give him a puzzled look.

"What?" I ask, doing my best to keep my voice from trembling.

"You heard me!" He snaps, a vein pulsing in his forehead.

"Are you insane?" I snap back. I feel that being angry with him eases the pain. "I'm not going to hit you!" It comes out softer than I'd meant and my cheeks burn red. I hate being so vulnerable and weak when he's around.

"Suit yourself!" He mutters and gives himself a good punch in the face.

My jaw drops open. "What the hell, Remus? What did you do that for?" I shout, half-afraid that he has truly gone mad. I vaguely wonder whether I'm part of the reason and start to panic a bit.

"Had to-" he begins clutching his jaw. Idiot probably didn't even realise his own strength. "Uhh, nevermind..." he mumbles, pointedly avoiding my eyes. "Nice seeing you..." he says staring at the floor and makes hurriedly to leave.

I suddenly get a nauseated feeling watching him leave. I don't recall opening my mouth, nor shouting after him. All I know is that I need him here with me. I need to talk with him, to make him stay.

Remus

I stop abruptly when she calls out my name. I silently urge myself to ignore her and go on. She doesn't realise that any other conversation would only hurt us both. And I don't think I can stand it. Yet, I just can't help slowly turning around. Why, why am I so controllable when she's around.?

"Yes..." I say slowly.

I start panicking when I look into her eyes. Big mistake. I feel that connection again and suddenly wish I'd just left.

"I've missed you..." she whispers coming closer.

I close my eyes and try to wake up yet again remembering that punch I gave myself.

"I wish I could say that I haven't thought of you at all, but you probably won't believe it anyway." I whisper back.

The little voice in my head shouts at me to wake the fuck up. As if I hadn't known.

Tonks

I allow him the smallest of smiles.

"No, I won't..."

A small awkward pause passes between us before I get hold of the courage to go on. I feel I must go on, even if I can see where this is heading.

"You know you don't have to do this...You can be happy here...with me..."

I unconsciously reach out and grab his hand. It twitches when I touch it yet he doesn't let go.

He lets out a deep sigh and lets his other hand stroke my hair. I sense a longing in his eyes and I hope that maybe, just maybe I'm getting through to him.

"That's more or less what my friends once told me, and look where they are now...two are dead and the other betrayed us..."

A surge of annoyance passes through me and I pull away from him. He blinks, a bit dazzled by the sudden turn of events.

"Oh, come on! You cannot possibly hold yourself responsible for any of that!" I spit out.

He shrugs sadly, "That doesn't change the guilt I've been feeling. Nor the fact that mostly everyone I've ever held dear is now gone."

I roll my eyes, "Why must you always be so incredibly unselfish?"

Remus

She's really starting to get on my nerves. What is so hard to understand? I take a deep breath, deciding to make this clear once and for all.

"Tonks, my life has sucked since the moment I was bitten. No matter what you innocently might think, we live in a world where werewolves are seen as filth and everyone even remotely close to them is in horrid danger. I am not feeling sorry for myself; I am simply stating the truth. You shouldn't have feeling for me! It's unhealthy and whatever you want us to be...it can't happen. "

She looks at me in a queer way I can't quite get. Every moment of this pointless argument is painful and I need her to leave.

"I'm sorry, but I still believe you ought to give us a chance...give yourself a chance to live with yourself. You, out of all people deserve this. For once, try putting yourself first."

I feel like slowly bumping my head against a wall.

"You still don't get it, do you?" I mutter.

"I do, I just happen to disagree..."

I hate that she's smiling. It's driving me crazy. I have to end this and quickly.

"Then I'm sorry to inform you, but nothing you're going to say is making me change my mind...and you know why?"

She raises an eyebrow skeptically, probably trying to take this as a joke or playful argument. Typical for Tonks. Although deep down she knows and understands me yet refuses to accept the reality.

"Surprise me!" She says crossing her arms.

It's time to say it; I conclude and take a huge breath.

"Because I love you!"

Tonks

My hands fall at my side and my jaw drops open. I have a mini-heart attack. I hadn't expected him to say it, at least not now. It's not like I hadn't known, but the way he said it, meaning every syllable makes tingles go over my entire body and I'm so dizzy feel the need to faint.

Only he doesn't stop there...

"Ever since we've met I've felt this connection between us. Yet I managed to deny my feelings for you for as long as was possibly human. Never even in my wildest dreams have I ever dared to hope you'd feel anything back.

"And when you did, I realised I can't have you. Not being who I am. You say we can be happy together and that I need to put myself first for once but there lies the entire problem, Tonks...I'll always put you first.

"And I'd risk the joy of having you without a second thought if it ensures your safety and well-being. And please believe me when I say that you can't have that with me!

"Even if it pains me to be away from you, to imagine you in another man's arms, I'd rather you have someone young and whole who has so much to offer..."

We're both in tears when he finishes. That is the most romantic and annoyingly unselfish thing anyone has ever said to me. It only makes me want him more. Despite everything he said, I still love him.

"I need you!" I burst out in a desperate attempt.

Remus

I shake my head slowly and smile sadly.

"No, you don't...you don't need anyone, least of all me. You're so independent and amazing. You're that little bulb of optimism and happiness that lightened up my heart. And that's why I love you."

I can't help planting a light kiss on her cheek. It gives me just enough energy to finally, finally go into the kitchen. I force myself not to look back.

Tonks

I fall softly to the ground, grasping the files tight to my chest and let tears drop softly onto them. I feel the place where he kissed me burning.

He's right, I don't need a man, I never have. I shouldn't cry out of failed romances.

But this time it's different. This time I let myself sob softly. I've been strong all my life and I allow myself just this once to be weak.

"I love you too," I whisper under my breath.