School...*sighs*
Chapter 24
They were running towards the TARDIS. Sometimes Dean looked back over his shoulder to take a look at the four leviathans which were following them.
They were fast and it was just a matter of time until they would catch up to Dean and Gabriel.
Dean's feet slip on the wet stones and several times he nearly fell, but the angel always managed to pull him up and catch him before he hit the ground.
"Hurry up!" The Doctor screamed, his voice echoing through the silence of the wood. "Hurry!"
Sam was there, too. Dean could see his head behind the Doctor, somewhere over the Time Lord's right shoulder. "Dean!"
The TARDIS made a low hissing sound; she wasn't used to Purgatory. That wasn't her kind of plane, her kind of territory. The devices were going crazy and she wasn't able to stabilize herself in the plane, causing her to fade and materialize in an unsteady rhythm.
"Run!" The Doctor shouted. As if that would help.
They reached the TARDIS before it was almost too late; Dean jumped inside but Gabriel was grabbed by one of the leviathans just before he was able to set one foot inside the blue box.
"No!" Dean swirled around, nearly knocking Sam over by doing so, but the Master was faster; he took several steps forward, his right hand grabbing the frame of the dematerializing TARDIS, the other closing around the angel's wrist and pulling him inside.
However, the leviathan didn't let go, and so it was pulled inside the ship as well, the doors closing behind it.
"Fuck!" Dean cursed, his eyes searching for a possible weapon, but no weapon was needed because Gabriel, the real Gabriel, stepped forward and grabed the leviathan by its head. "Hasta la vista, baby!"
The leviathan exploded and black goo flew through the air.
The Master made a disgusted sound, something between hissing and growling, as most of the black goo covered him. "You bloody twat!"
Dean wasn't sure who he was addressing, but Gabriel gave the blond Time Lord a bitchy smile. "You can thank me later, peasant."
It was the ultimate sass-off and Dean wasn't sure if he was able to handle that after everything that had happened.
"Dean!" Dean turned around and the strong arms of his brother embraced him, hugging him tight before letting go abruptly. "I am ...I..." Sam cleared his throat. Dean just nodded; he knew what Sam wanted to say, anyway. "Yeah, I know."
Their happy reunion was short lived, though.
"Well, this is weird." Two voice said in unison. Dean turned around again to see Gabriel and his one third part staring at each other.
"Oh no, two of them?!" The Master sighed dramatically while hiding his face behind his hand. "Great!"
"This is not good, I assume?" Sherlock asked, even if he knew the answer already. Dean guessed that he wanted to socialize a bit since he was not as much of an asshole as he had been once. Actually, he was really friendly, even though a bit weird in his own way.
Both Gabriels shook their heads. "It's very confusing." They admitted.
The Master rolled his eyes behind his hand. "Can you stop saying everything together?"
Both angels glared at him. "Sorry, hobo, but we are the same person."
The Master looked up from behind his hand, his face an angry grimace, and he was about to hiss something in return when the Doctor stepped in between them, a big but faked smile in his lips. "Okay, okay! Calm down now, both of you, will you?" He didn't wait for their answer. "Great! Good!" He turned towards Gabriel, frowned, and turned towards Cas, then back again, seemingly confused. He wasn't sure whom to address. "We should do something about the...thing-" He pointed at his own temple. "-inside there, right?"
Castiel's eyes darkened visibly as both Gabriels answered. "Yes. We need to hurry. Balthazar is barely able to help Castiel, and I won't be much help either..." His eyes trailed over their faces until they stopped. He looked at Dean.
"What?!" Dean snapped, nervously.
"You know that he needs you." Both Gabriels said, though one of them had Castiel's voice, and it was weird to hear him talk knowing that it wasn't him.
"Me?" Dean asked, slowly. "Man, I am not much help, I don't have mojo or something..."
Both Gabriels smiled, but Dean was only looking at one of them. It almost broke his heart a little bit, seeing him smiling like that.
"You don't need any mojo, Deano. Your presence will be enough."
Dean wanted to argue but the Doctor clapped his hands and nodded hastily. "Good, good! We'll use the medical bay, better safe than sorry, right? Right." Again, he didn't wait for their answer and jumped along, his long legs carrying him through the ship. The others followed him, and an uncomfortable silence lay over them.
Dean was aware that Sam didn't like the idea of Dean being inside Cas' head, mostly because Lucifer was there, too. Dean had no idea what would wait for him.
The medical bay was bigger than Dean had expected, but then again, the whole ship was a fucking palace, or at least it had the same space.
The room had white tiles and white walls, and everything was a bit too white and bright. The neon lights above them were too bright to look at, and Dean decided that he didn't like the room at all.
The TARDIS seemed to have noticed his discomfort, because mere minutes later the room seemed a bit warmer and friendlier to Dean.
The Doctor led Castiel, or the one third of Gabriel, to one of the beds, telling him to lie down. "Will you be able to get Dean inside his head?" The Doctor wanted to know.
Gabriel, the real one, nodded. "I am an archangel!" Both Gabriels said, with pride in their voices. "Doing something like that is as easy as breathing for me." The Master snorted, but luckily Gabriel didn't hear him, or maybe he had chosen to ignore the Master.
"Sit down, Dean." The Doctor said as he pointed at the plastic folding chair next to the bed. Dean did as he was told and sat down on the chair. The thing was more comfortable than it looked at the first sight.
"You should leave the room." The Doctor had turned towards the rest.
Sam frowned and the Master rolled his eyes. "Why?"
The Doctor narrowed his eyes and Dean was sure they had a telepathic conversation because they were staring at each other for at least five minutes until the Master turned red and waved off. "Okay, I don't care about that idiot anyway." He was out of the room before anyone was able to say anything.
"Have an eye on him, please. "The Doctor nodded towards Sherlock, his voice calm. The detective smiled slightly before he was out of the room as well. It seemed that it wasn't the first time that the Doctor had asked him to watch over the Master.
How much times has passed, for them? Dean wondered.
"You can stay here, if you want..." The Doctor began, but Sam shook his head. "Nah...It's okay, I'll wait outside." The Doctor nodded slowly and Sam looked at Dean, giving him a short nod before he left the room as well.
Good luck.
Gabriel eyed the Doctor with sceptical eyes as the Time Lord sat down on the opposite of the bed so that he was looking at Dean and Gabriel.
"What are you still doing here?" The Gabriels asked, wary. He didn't know the Doctor, not so much as the others at least, and that was probably why he was a bit more careful around him than with the others. However, Gabriel was never careful around others, not even around Lucifer himself, so maybe there was another reason for his behavior.
The Doctor, though, didn't seem to notice Gabriel's wariness. "I am here to help, of course!" He smiled brightly and Dean admired his ability to smile even if he clearly didn't feel like it. Of course Dean couldn't actually see that the Doctor didn't feel like smiling, but he didn't need to; it was clear in the way his shoulders were hunched slightly, and he wouldn't look into neither Dean's nor Gabriel's eyes.
There sometimes was something lost and child-like about the Time Lord that Dean just couldn't place.
"You shouldn't - " Gabriel began, but the Doctor waved him off while rolling his eyes in annoyance. "Oh please! My ship, my rules! He needs all help he can get, right? Right! So, what are we waiting for!?"
There it was again, this enthusiasm - the need to help.
Dean took a deep breath and looked at Gabriel, the real one. "So, are we all going in or...?"
"Oh, don't mind me!" The Doctor grinned. "Just take down the mental shields of his mind, will you?"
Dean raised one eyebrow but both Gabriels just nodded.
Dean had no time to question the decision that just had been made because suddenly he found himself standing next to Gabriel. They both were surrounded by a dreary ice dessert which seemed to go on and on for miles. Everything was oddly greyish blue and the sky was cloudy. It looked as if it was about to rain - or about to snow. Dean shivered as the keen wind blew over the dry ground and around his feet and hands. He shouldn't be shivering, this was a mind, Cas' mind, actually, he shouldn't feel anything, right? He furrowed his brow and turned to Gabriel but saw the Doctor instead, who was rushing towards them.
"Bit cold, isn't?" The Time Lord asked as he rubbed his hands together in attempt to get them warm.
"Yes, indeed." Gabriel answered as he looked into the distance, his eyes narrowed with concentration.
"So..." Dean began as they started walking. "How did you get here?" He nodded towards the Doctor, who just smiled mysteriously. He was no angel, so he had to have another way to get into people's minds...
"Oh, I think you would say it is my 'alien-mojo'."
Dean huffed but the Doctor didn't answer his question so he just kept quiet. Well, he tried to keep quiet but he was rather nervous because, hello, Lucifer? But, there was no Lucifer, also no Cas. There was no nothing. No nothing for quite a while. They just walked and walked over the dry frozen ground and not even trees where to be spotted.
"Where are we?" Dean finally said, after he couldn't bear the silence any longer. "I mean, I know we are in Cas' mind, but...this, this is not like Cas at all. This is just...nothing."
Gabriel exhaled slowly after taking a deep breath, which was visible in the cold air as he answered, "Yes, you are right. This-" He spread his arms, nearly hitting the Doctor, who was busy minding his own things and looking around the landscape. "- is Castiel's mind." His face darkened."Or, it was." It was only now that Dean noticed that the angel seemed to glow, in fact he looked like a ghost, his skin pale and his pure golden hair and eyes a stark contrast to the dull greyish surrounding. It was almost as if his true form was about to break free, as if Castiel's mind tried to unwrap the human layers and set the real form free. Maybe that was because Castiel, his mind, knew how Gabriel looked like for real, maybe it tried to form him into the shape of the memory that Castiel's mind associated with his name, but maybe it was just an effect of his Grace.
"And, now...?"
Gabriel sighed, "Now, here you see Lucifer's doing. Of course it is Lucifer's doing, who else would choose this landscape... " He shook his head in disapproval "But, this is just a waiting room, you could say. The real shit is somewhere deeper..."
"Deeper..." Dean echoed, feeling stupid for repeating Gabriel's words.
"Oh, oh I see!" The Doctor jumped up and down next to them. "This is not really Castiel's mind, we have to find it in here!"
Gabriel nodded.
"And after we have found it-" The Doctor continued. "- we have to get into his real mind to help him out of his trance like state so he is in charge of his mind again!"
Wow, Dean thought, this is a little bit too much Inception here...
"Very good." Gabriel smiled. "Seems like you're not that stupid after all."
The Doctor grinned from ear to ear, proud to have solved the mystery of their journey.
After that they didn't talk much. Well, Gabriel and Dean didn't talk much, but the Doctor seemed to be fascinated by everything. Oh,look at those stones, and these clouds, and look at the ice and the fucking air and why the fuck didn't he shut up?!
The wind became colder and harsher and Gabriel informed them that this was a sign that they were on the right path. "Lucifer doesn't want us to get near him."
Well, that meant they had to prepare for other things than wind and ice...
Dean had no sense of time, just like back then during his time in the TARDIS. Hours could have passed, days, maybe just minutes, he couldn't tell; the sky didn't get darker, and he didn't get tired. It seemed like an endless loop.
At some point it started to snow, first just a few single snowflakes but soon they couldn't see where they were going.
Dean cursed under his breath but Gabriel was as determined as ever. Maybe because he was able to see through the chaos of snow.
It was when Dean nearly ran against a tree that he noticed that the landscape had changed. More and more trees appeared and soon they walked through a thick forest with trees that were made of ice.
There was no snow coming through the thick treetops, but it was unbelievable cold and Dean was sure that soon his fingers would fall off. He couldn't feel his toes anymore and he was sure that he had already lost his nose because he couldn't feel it either.
The forest was silent and Dean began to miss the sound of the wind. It was too quiet, almost like the forest in Purgatory. Dean's stomach lurched as he thought back at Purgatory; he was out of it, and now he felt like he was back in.
"It really is cold..." The Doctor murmured. He hadn't been saying anything since they had entered the forest. Even he seemed to be uncomfortable...
The trees whispered and it sounded like a silent song, as if they tried to lure them into the darkness of the unknown. Dean felt more than uncomfortable and he had the feeling that the trees were watching them.
It was creepy as fuck.
"Careful." Gabriel warned them. Again, his hair was a stark contrast to the bluish ice of the trees. It was dark in the forest even if everything was made of ice, though that was probably because the leaves prevented the dull light to get through to them. Gabriel, however, seemed to emit enough light to lead them through the darkness.
Something cracked and Dean swirled around to see the Doctor's shocked face. He was pale in the dim light and his eyes seemed too green.
"What was that?" Dean asked, hissed, not daring to raise his voice over a whisper.
"I think something moved..." The Doctor breathed back, his eyes wide as he looked around, a haunted expression on his face.
"The trees..." Gabriel mumbled and pressed his lips together in a thin line. "They try to stop us. We are close."
Moving trees?! Wow, Lucifer really was creative...
"I can hear them..." The Doctor whispered, and his wide eyes stared into the distanced darkness as if he was actually seeing something there. Dean raised one eyebrow and tried to listen, but he heard nothing. Just the soft noise of leaves made of ice clinking against each other over their heads.
"I don't-" He began but stopped. It had to be a psychic thing, then. The Doctor's alien mojo, probably.
Gabriel's face darkened visibly, "You have to hurry. They have noticed us, he has noticed us. At least me..." He turned around to face the opposite direction. "I'll hold them off, you just hurry."
"But-" Dean began, shaking his head. "- No! Gabriel, this-"
"-Is my brother, fighting us, inside the mind of yet another brother of mine, I am aware of that!" Gabriel hissed back, not looking at them. "I am the only one who can actually do something against him, even if it isn't much, and you are the only one who can help Castiel. So move your bow-legs and do something useful or so help me I am going to throw you through the whole forest if I have to."
There was no time to argue.
Dean knew that this was suicidal. Gabriel was not on full power, and Lucifer had managed to kill his brother even as he had been in charge of his full Grace.
What happens to you, to your body, if your mind is killed?
Would you lapse into a coma? Would your body stop working?
"Go!"
The Doctor grabbed Dean by his arm and yanked him through the forest, away from Gabriel. Dean could see massive golden wings, but soon they had left Gabriel behind and the darkness swallowed them whole.
Dean couldn't see much. Bits of glistening trees and ice. Several times he nearly fell because the ground was frozen.
The Doctor was running fast. This time he wasn't talking, and Dean knew that he was afraid.
It wasn't much later that the trees started to lash out at them. Branches of ice and razor sharp leaves cut through their clothes and their skin. Dean had to shield his face with his arm, and soon his jacket was torn. He hissed in pain and could hear the Doctor's sharp breath. They were aware that they left a trail of blood on the dirty ground.
"Keep running!" The Doctor said, not sounding out of breath but in pain. Dean wondered if he even knew if they were on the right way.
Was there even a right way?
It turned out that there was a right way. Dean could...feel it. As if there was a pull, as if he was yanked towards Cas.
They stumbled through the thick forest until the Doctor suddenly stopped. "Dean!", he gasped, and Dean took away his arm from his face.
In front of them was a small clearing. Dim light shone onto the ice, letting it gleam and glisten. Snowflakes flew through the air but they seemed to float instead of being pushed around by the wind. There was a strange atmosphere in the air that Dean couldn't place.
However, the light hadn't been the reason for the Doctor to stop; it was the figure that lay upon a stone table in the middle of the clearing, half covered in snow.
"Cas..." Dean whispered and stumbled over small roots and frozen grass towards Castiel. His legs threatened to give away but he moved on, his eyes firmly fixed on the unmoving body of the angel.
"Dean, don't!" The Doctor hissed, following him with careful steps while looking over his shoulder to make sure that no one and nothing was following them.
The trees didn't move, not yet, and the darkness didn't dare to creep onto the clearing, not while there was light. Though, Dean had the feeling that there was not much time left until the light was gone...
He stopped as he reached the table, his hands shaking because of the cold and because of what he saw; Cas was lying on the stone table, his eyes closed and his hands folded over his chest. He looked as if he was sleeping - or dead. His face was pale and frost pattern covered half of his skin and clothes. Even his lips were pale and without color, and his hair was frosted and oddly dull.
Made of ice, Dean thought while his heart was hammering inside his chest, he looks like he's made of ice as well.
Dean couldn't help but notice that this looked like a scene from a fairy tale and he cursed Lucifer for his imagination.
He exhaled slowly to calm himself while reaching out to touch the angel's face, and winced slightly as he felt no warmth.
For how long had he been lying here already?!
Dean cursed again and tried to wriggle his hands under Castiel's shoulders so he could lift him from the table, but he couldn't; it was as if Castiel was glued to the table, and Dean was not able to neither lift nor move Castiel.
"Doc!" The hunter grunted as he desperately tried to move Castiel. "Doc, I need help here!"
He got no response and so he looked up.
He was alone.
The Doctor was gone, and Dean turned his head around to look everywhere for him, but he was no where to be seen. "DOCTOR!"
Still no answer, only his voice echoing through the silence.
Something moved and crunched.
Dean swallowed hard and tried to stay calm but there was a thick lump in his throat and he felt himself panic because he had no weapon, was all alone with an unconscious angel at his side inside the mind of said angel and what the hell was he supposed to do?! No one had told him what to do!
"Cas, wake up!" Dean hissed, trying to shake the angel awake. "Cas! C'mon!"
But he didn't move,didn't wake up, didn't breath, just nothing.
"Castiel!" Dean's voice cracked. "Castiel, wake up! Wake up I say!"
Stay calm, stay calm!
Okay, right good...
First he had to analyse the situation; the Doctor was gone, Cas was unconscious, and all in all he was on is own somewhere in Castiel's mind, or rather in the waiting room to his mind.
Right, good, so much for that.
Dean took another deep breath of cold air, and he had the feeling his lungs were burning because of the icy cold air. His face was numb and moving any muscle did hurt.
Okay, so, the Doctor had said that they needed to go deeper...
But how?
How was he supposed to enter Castiel's real mind? He had no freaking mojo, had no freaking mind-powers, no nothing!
He needs you...
Dean swallowed hard and coughed; the cold air was eating him from the inside out and he couldn't feel most of his body anymore.
He had seen tons of movies about mind-powers and mind control, and Hell, he had experienced more of that sort of things than he liked, so now it was to him to try to enter another mind. Fact was, he was already inside the mind, he just had to go deeper.
Meant he had to concentrate.
He literally had no clue what to do, so he decided to trust his instincts, because that was what you do in these situations, right?
And it always works...at least in movies.
He closed his eyes and leaned forward, his breath steady as he pressed his forehead against Castiel's. It was like pressing your head against cold stone.
"Okay.." He rasped, his voice rough from the cold air. "I have no idea how to do this but..." He trailed off. Somewhere in the distance a shout was to be heard and the branches of the trees rustled in the upcoming wind. Behind closed lids Dean noticed that the light had dimmed, and he knew, just knew, that he had to hurry.
"Here we go..." He joked, but actually he felt sick and not like joking at all, because this really was a dead or alive situation.
Not that that was something new to him.
Didn't mean that he liked it, though.
And you never get used to that feeling, of being afraid to fail, afraid to loose someone you love, afraid you might die, both of you.
Dean pressed his numb lips together and waited.
Nothing happened.
Okay, that was alright, that just meant he had to try harder...
And he did.
He did try; he tried to imagine a way, imagined walking straight into Cas' head, you could say. He was reaching out, mentally, and okay, Dean felt really weird trying to do mental stuff, but he had to try, right?
In the end he couldn't really remember how he had managed it.
It just...happened.
One second ago he stood over Castiel, the next he stood inside a doorway.
He immediately remembered the room. Wasn't hard to remember a mental hospital ward, right?
Especially when the person you were looking for sat with the back to you in the exact same way you remembered them sitting there, the same way you remember the whole scene.
Dean's stomach rebelled again and he felt his heart ache just by the sight of Cas sitting there, lost and alone, at the white table in the white room.
It was oddly silent. Usually you could her noises from outside, or some nurses or other patients, but nothing like that here. Just silence.
Dean shivered and rubbed his hands together. He wasn't cold anymore.
The hunter exhaled slowly and began his way towards the angel. He didn't know what to say, didn't know if Cas did know that he was here. But, usually you should notice if someone was inside your mind, right?
Dean closed his eyes for a few minutes before rounding the table to sit down on the chair opposite of Castiel.
Actually he had opened his mouth to say something, but the words got stuck inside his throat as he saw the person sitting in front of him.
This was not Castiel.
Well, it was.
But not really.
Castiel's eyes were half-lidded and dull, lifeless, and he seemed to look right through Dean, not even noticing him. His hands lay folded on his lap and his breath was calm and even, though a bit weak.
He seemed out of it, totally far away, as if he wasn't there at all. As if he wasn't at all.
"Cas." Dean said.
Castiel didn't respond but somehow that didn't surprise Dean.
"Castiel, hey." He reached over the table for one of Castiel's hands. It was cold,like the skin of the Castiel on the stone table, and again he showed no reaction in any way.
"Castiel!" Dean said, again, his voice firm. No need to be gentle here, that was of no use; if he wanted to get Cas out of whatever he was in then he had to be rough. That always worked.
Mostly.
"Castiel, look at me!" It was a demand.
Castiel's pale blue eyes shifted and focused on Dean. He opened his mouth to let out a soft sigh. He held Dean's gaze, but he still wasn't really looking at him.
"Castiel, hey. You hear me?"
The angel nodded slowly.
"Okay, good,that's good." Dean rubbed his face with his free hand. "Listen, you're in deep trouble, alright? Guess you know that already but-"
"I am sorry." Castiel said, and Dean winced at the evenly voice.
"Sorry?" He asked, confused, because what was Castiel sorry for?
"I am sorry." The angel said, again, with no emotion in his voice.
Dean's brow furrowed and he tightened his grip on Castiel's hand, leaning closer to look at Castiel. "Hey. Hey!" He looked into Castiel's eyes, trying to meet his gaze, but Castiel continued to look through him.
"What are you sorry for, Cas? Hm?"
The angel was quiet for a few minutes until he spoke again, "I am sorry."
Dean's stomach clenched and he felt even sicker than before.
No, no, fuck it!
"Lucifer..." He mumbled. "This is one of his games, right? He did that to you, didn't he?"
Castiel was quiet.
Dean growled in anger as he leaned back, letting go af Castiel's hand.
He should have known that Lucifer had planned something, done something, and now he was here, totally unprepared.
"Cas, listen..." Dean began ,slowly. Castiel turned his head slightly, but it was an odd and alien gesture. It just looked wrong. "Cas, do you know where you are?"
Castiel kept staring at him without blinking, and it began to look creepy. "I am in a mental hospital." He said, casually."You brought me here."
Dean cursed inwardly but forced himself to smile. "Well, see, that is the point, you are not in a mental hospital..."
Castiel kept staring.
"Please go now." He suddenly said. "I don't want to talk to you today."
That was like a fist into his face. Dean tried to stay calm and collected but it became more and more difficult with each passing minute.
"Why?" He asked, slowly. He had to be careful because it seemed that Castiel would only answer to certain questions. "Why do you want me to go? Did I do something to you?"
Castiel just kept staring.
Dean took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Alright, so, it was his fault? Was Castiel angry at him? Or, was it really him he was angry at...?
"Cas, how long have you been here?"
Castiel tilted his head, and again it looked oddly wrong. "Eight months."
Eight months...
Too long. Almost as long as the months he had spent outside the ward together with Dean and Sam in the real world...
"Permanently?"
Castiel was quiet. Dean took that as a 'yes'.
Dean assumed that the sense of time was different here, or at least he hoped that was the case, because otherwise that would mean that Castiel had spent most of his time together with Dean and Sam inside the mental hospital that Lucifer had created inside his head.
Lucifer...
"Cas, say..." Dean began, carefully. "Do you know who I am?"
Castiel, again, said nothing.
Okay, that could mean two things; either he knew that he was Dean, the real Dean, or he thought he was Lucifer, disguised as Dean.
Somehow Dean had the feeling it was the last one.
Dean pressed his lips together; okay, good, other questions, then...
"Why are you sorry?" He asked, bluntly.
He had to know.
Castiel was quiet.
"Cas,-" Dean stood up and couldn't help but notice that Castiel flinched slightly; was he expecting an attack? The hunter walked up to Castiel and crouched down next to his chair, like a parent would do with a small child. "I did hurt you, didn't I?"
Castiel hesitated, then he nodded slowly. He wasn't looking at Dean.
"I am still hurting you."
Castiel nodded, again.
"And you want it to stop..."
Castiel's eyes flickered towards him, but he didn't nod. Dean swallowed and nodded slowly.
"Okay...Okay, well..."
What was he supposed to say? Cas wouldn't believe him if he told him he was real, Lucifer must have told him the same over and over again while being Dean.
No, there had to be another way.
"Cas, I want you to tell me something." Dean looked up to meet Castiel's blank stare.
"Why are you here? I mean, what was the reason that..." He stopped and had to fight the urge to stop his sentence. "Why did I put you in here?"
Castiel stared at him, maybe wondering why he was asking those questions, probably thinking that it was another one of Lucifer's ways to torture him by using his emotions. Maybe that was why he was so cold; because he had finally realized that he had too much heart, and that it brought him nothing but pain.
"Redemption."
Dean blinked. "Wha...No, wait. Wait, hold on." He stood up and Castiel followed his movements with his eyes, waiting for Dean's next move. The angel never tensed up, never blinked, he just waited, as if he was waiting for the final blow, too tired of fighting.
Because he had been fighting, for eight months, without a result.
Dean rubbed his face with both of his hands while he muttered to himself. Castiel never said anything, only if he was asked, and so they spent several minutes in silence.
"You do know that I forgave you, right? For what you've done?"
Castiel's cold and dull eyes seemed to stare right into him now, and it was an uncomfortable feeling, so unfamiliar, not like all those other times when Castiel had looked at him as if he knew Dean's soul by his heart, no; this time there was nothing in his gaze, and this emptiness seemed to pour into Dean now, as if Castiel was an empty void. As if there was nothing left to give.
"You don't need redemption, Cas! And, the fuck, even if you want your damn redemption, do you think you could find it here? In a mental hospital, sulking?" Dean leaned onto the table, his eyes holding Castiel's empty stare and fighting the emptiness inside. "This is not real! You're wasting your time! This here, this- " He tapped his index-finger onto the table plate, mainly to get Cas' attention back because now he seemed slightly nervous and his eye had flickered to the side of the table, "- it's inside your mind, so there is no one here who needs to forgive you, except you yourself!" He took a deep breath and leaned backwards, his hands still on the table. "Because you won't be able to start your fucking redemption if you can't forgive yourself..."
Castiel's eyes were on his hands in his lap, his brow was furrowed and there was a gleam, a soft gleam, behind his eyes, somewhere inside there, fighting the darkness. Dean could see it.
"How...Am I able to forgive myself...?" The angel asked, his voice low and almost a whisper.
Dean rolled his eyes and threw his hands up in the air, startling Castiel, "Man, sorry, but you're asking the wrong person!"
Castiel's brow furrowed even more and Dean could see that he was trying to come up with an own idea, that he was actually trying now to fight. That he tried to understand..
"Look." Dean grabbed Cas' shoulder, and this time the angel flinched slightly, but Dean didn't let that bother himself. "You just...You have to accept it, okay? What you have done, all the shit, and I mean everything, you have to accept it, as a part of yourself, because otherwise it will haunt you forever!"
Castiel's eyes lit up, and he opened his mouth just to close it again. There he was again, the Cas Dean knew, and the hunter smiled slightly to encourage the angel to do the right thing, whatever that was.
Suddenly the room began to shake. The windows shattered, the floor broke, and the walls fell into tiny pieces. Like during an earthquake, just a bit worse.
Dean's eyes widened and he looked around, shocked to see that there was nothing left of the room, nothing left of the hospital; in fact, everything was gone. There was nothing now, just blackness, emptiness, and all the while Castiel kept staring at him.
"Cas, what-" Dean turned his head to look at Castiel, but Castiel was gone - or at least he wasn't were he had been before. To be accurate, Dean was not where he had been mere minutes ago, either; he now stood in the middle of the clearing, his head bowed against Castiel's forehead, and the bitter coldness hit him with full force.
Dean gasped and staggered backwards, shivering as his feet sunk into the layer of snow. He could barely move his legs and his limbs felt stiff and frozen."Cas?"
Castiel was still lying on the table, but his eyes were open now, however, he wasn't seeing Dean nor was he aware of his surroundings or anything else. He seemed to look at something that Dean couldn't see, and from time to time his eyes lit up, as if the Grace inside him was a fire trying to survive the blows of a harsh wind.
Dean was about to move but then everything began to shake and the trees burst one after another, and Dean had to raise his arms to avoid being hit by the sharp pieces of ice which where thrown through the air like bullets.
"What the Hell?!" He gasped, too startled to say or do much more.
Luckily, he was not alone.
"Dean!"
The hunter looked up to see the Doctor running towards him, his arms raised over his head to shield himself. He was bleeding from several cuts and it seemed that he had been fighting against something, because bruises were visible on his jaw and his clothes were slightly torn and askew, as if someone or something had tried to pull at him.
"We have to get out of here!"
Oh, yes, that was probably a good idea.
The Doctor grabbed Dean by his hands and tried to look at him, but the icy splinters and the sudden increase of the wind made it difficult to look at each other, and trying to understand each other was almost impossible.
"We have to get Cas!" Dean screamed against the wind. "He won't move!"
The Doctor shook his head, and his hair was blown into his face but he couldn't care less about that right now. "No! He belongs here, that's alright!"
Dean's eyes narrowed even more, making it almost impossible to actually see the Doctor. "What do ya mean, belongs here?! Don't you see that this place is collapsing!? He'll die!"
The Doctor shook his head again, his eyes tightly shut against the wind and ice. "The dream dies when the dreamer awakes!"
"What?!" Dean shouted over the wind. "What the fuck does that mean!?"
The Doctor opened his eyes and tightened his grip around Dean's hands. "This is an illusion, a dream! If we don't get out before Castiel awakes we'll die with the dream!"
Dean kept staring at the Doctor.
"You did your job, Dean! He's waking up! Now it's on him to fight because this is his fight, not ours!" The Doctor clearly had difficulties to raise his voice against the storm.
"No!" Dean took a few steps back but the Doctor pulled him closer again, stubbornly refusing to let him go. "I can't let him fight this on his own! I have to help him!" The hunter turned his head to look at the angel but he could barely see him through the ice and snow, a blurry shape was all he could make out.
The Doctor stepped closer and reached out, clasping Dean's head with his hands on either side and forcing him to look at the other man.
"That would be suicide!" Dean tried to hold the gaze but the mismatched eyes of the Doctor seemed to burn right into him, and Dean knew that what he was saying was true, but he couldn't leave Cas alone with Lucifer...
"Close your eyes!" The Doctor screamed, not letting go of Dean's head. "Close your eyes and imagine a way-" He was cut off by the wind and a loud bang and Dean couldn't understand anything that he was saying after that.
"I can't hear you!" He yelled, but his words were swallowed by the wind.
It was then that the ground broke away, and they were falling, falling, and Dean screamed in surprise because usually grounds don't break away.
He was sure he would have gone lost, would have died with the dream as the Doctor put it, if he had been alone. But the Doctor was there, and the Doctor was there to help, and so was the inside of the TARDIS the next thing Dean saw when he opened his eyes.
...
He stared into the darkness, but he felt nothing.
Nothing, until he saw them, lurking in the shadows, waiting for him.
They were looking at him, and each and everyone of them was angry - at him.
Though, who wasn't angry at him?
"You did this..." One of them whispered, the one that had been the vessel for oh so many leviathans.
"You did this to us." Another whispered, the one from the future, the one Dean had seen.
"We are here because of you..." A tired one whispered, the one that had been found again after he had been lost for one year.
"How could you do this to yourself?" The brightest of them asked, the one that was still pure and strong.
"Don't you hate yourself?" Asked the one that had been God. "Don't you hate what you have become?"
"You could have been so much more!" Another cried out. "You could have been beautiful!"
"You could have saved everyone!"
"You should have known!"
"You should have been wiser!"
The harsh words rained down on him, threatening to suffocate him, and his heart felt heavy as he heard all those words.
Because they were true.
"I hate you!" He screamed, and he looked like Jimmy. "This was not what I wanted!"
They merged now, into one, into the ultimate misery that Castiel's life had become. It was like looking into a distorted reflection of his past self, of every Castiel he had ever been.
They were crying now, angry as they were, their eyes blazing with anger and hurt.
"I hate you! This is your fault! This is all your fault!"
"I am sorry." Castiel whispered, and he meant it, but they laughed at him, their black veined eyes and pale face showing their disgust.
It was weird, to see himself staring at him, though it was just the vessel, which was now his own body. He was bound to it, and to be honest, quite fond of it, too.
Sure, he still had his real form, but his real form couldn't be turned back into what it once had been; he couldn't heal it like he could heal the broken skin and scars of his vessel, because his Grace was the essence of his being, and his being was far from being as pure as it should be.
He preferred his vessel now, because it felt right, wearing this body, because he felt like he was himself when he was inside it - and he felt closer to Dean.
Yes, Castiel couldn't look at his true form without being disappointed with himself, but the layer of his vessel was like a covering made of skin and bones, something that seemed to protect him from his real self, a disguise that he had grown comfortable wearing as his own skin.
That was why he wasn't seeing his real self here, judging him, because he no longer cared about how his real form looked like since it was lost forever - but his vessel, his vessel could always show him how inhuman he had made his vessel, or even how much of a failure of a human he could have become and still could become.
He had done so much wrong being inside this vessel, being this person called Cas.
It also showed him that he wasn't able to be who he wanted to be.
What he wanted to be even he himself couldn't tell, but he knew that it was nothing of what he saw in front of himself now.
"Sorry, sorry! Sorry is for nothing!" They screamed, and the darkness became darker and their anger grew like angry black flames around them. "You will never be able to pay for your sins, you will never be able to receive forgiveness, you will never be able to be free!"
He felt his heart being crushed little by little and every word did hurt more and more, but he knew that he had to get through it. He had to hear those words, out of his own mouth, because only then would be able to accept them.
Only then he would be able to take one more step towards his redemption.
"You are right!" He said, his voice stronger now. "This is my fault, and there is no one else to blame! Just me!"
They hissed at him, the darkness floating around them like a snake.
They looked sad, disappointed, full of rage and hate, everything he felt for himself and more. They felt what he expected others to feel when they saw him, and even Dean's soothing words had never managed to make him believe that everything was alright, because for sure Dean was feeling hate somewhere in the back of his mind, and he would never be able to forget.
Forgetting was no option.
What happened had happened.
He had to look at his future now, that was what was important.
And if he really wanted Dean, and all those others, to forgive him, then he had to earn it, and he wouldn't be able to earn forgiveness and trust if he was caught in a web of his own emotions towards himself.
"I cannot ask for forgiveness...Not even myself." He took a deep breath and straightened his back, holding gaze with the man in front of him who was everything he never wanted to be. "But others are able to accept that what I did was wrong, and they are able move on. And so am I."
They hissed a laughter as they moved forward, floating over the ground that wasn't there as if they were a part of the darkness.
"Never!" They screamed, and it was the glass-shattering voice of his true self. "You will never be able to forgive us!"
Castiel didn't move when they threw out the angel blade, their blue eyes blazing like a fire storm as they rushed towards him. There was a snarl on their lips and they raised their arm, the blade oddly bright in the darkness of his mind.
It didn't hurt when the blade pierced through his heart. He felt nothing, not even a sting or any sorts of pain. The steel was cold against his skin and the inside of his flesh, and the coldness tried to spread inside, tried to take over like a fire, but he fought it back without blinking.
Blood was pouring out of him but it didn't stain his clothes, instead it disappeared after it had poured out of him, as if the darkness was sucking it up.
They looked at him, their fiery ice wide in surprise.
"How...?" They echoed, their voice a mixture of several voices.
Castiel smiled almost kindly as he grabbed the hands of them. They tried to pull away, disgust visible on their face again, but he held onto their hands and didn't let them go.
"I told you already." Castiel began, soothingly, his voice calm and collected because he was fully in control of himself again.
"I told you that I accept what I did." His smile softened. "What you did."
They hissed in anger and pulled harder, but they seemed weaker now, and it frightened them.
"You can't hurt me any longer. You did hurt me, a long long time, but it is enough for now. I don't need the pain anymore. I know that now."
They shook their head, their eyes wide. Castiel could see the single black veins under their eyes and the dirty brown hair on their head stuck up to all sides. Their coat was torn and bloody and the tie was missing. They looked miserable and Castiel felt sorry for them. However, he knew that they didn't deserve any better.
"That's not true!" They hissed. "You need us! You need us to remember! Without us you will forget!"
Castiel laughed softly and closed his eyes.
"No." He whispered. "How could I ever forget what I have done? No, I will not forget." He opened his eyes again and they flinched as they saw the determination behind them. "That is a promise."
They hesitated, their brow furrowed as they looked at the ground and back up at him. "You'll make them again, those mistakes!"
The angel smiled. "Never again, I promise."
They looked surprised, startled, and slowly their face began to soften and all tension was gone.
Relief made them smile, and they closed their eyes and stopped fighting him. "That's nice."
Then they exploded into light, blue and white sparks flying through the air, and the darkness was gone.
He stood in the middle of a white room now but slowly it changed, and trees and the outline of mountains became visible. Before he knew what was happening he was lying on a stone table in the middle of a clearing. It was oddly silent and only the rustle of leaves was to be heard. He blinked in confusion and swung his legs over the edge of the table after sitting up.
Someone clapped his hands behind him and Castiel jumped up and turned around.
He wasn't surprised to see Lucifer leaning against a tree. He had a smug smile on his lips but Castiel could easily see that he was angry. Angry, because Castiel had actually managed to get his way out of the deepest and darkest corner of his mind.
"I am impressed. Didn't think you would get out of that." Lucifer admitted, but he sounded everything else than impressed.
Castiel stared at him grimly before he raised his head and expanded his wings. Now Lucifer's eyes widened and his arms dropped to his sides as he stared at the pair of six mismatched wings.
"Those bastards..." He mumbled and grinned sourly. This hadn't been a part of his plan.
Castiel's grin widened and he felt a rush of power.
Yes, Lucifer wouldn't have thought that his brothers would give Castiel their remaining Grace, including their wings.
Gabriel's one third had been a lost case anyway, and he had used to opportunity of being inside Castiel's mind to mend himself with Castiel's Grace. Of course it wasn't Gabriel himself who was bound to Castiel's Grace now, it was mere the small one third and his lost wings. There wouldn't have been a way to fit his Grace together again, it was to torn at the edges, but it was enough to fit together with Castiel's already damaged Grace.
The only side effect it would cause was that he would have a stronger bond with Gabriel - if he survived this fight.
Balthazar had know that he wouldn't survive on his own, it had been clear from the beginning, and the only way to keep him alive was to bind himself to Castiel's Grace in order to feed him with energy.
Castiel wasn't sure of it was only temporary, he had no intention of eating souls or Grace again, but he knew that it made him an equally strong opponent to Lucifer, and he had to be at least as strong as Lucifer to defeat him.
Maybe I will be able to return it, he thought as he stared at Lucifer, Gabriel's Grace. And I am sure we can find a body for Balthazar, even though I fear his Grace is lost. I can barely feel it within mine, and the only real thing that it gave me were his wings.
Lucifer snickered darkly as he pushed himself away from the tree. The sun shone bright and his wings glowed in a golden hue as he expanded them.
They were white. Most people would think they were black or red or torn and bloody, but they were the most beautiful wings Castiel had ever seen. They were made of pure silvery white feathers which seemed to be made of crystal, and every single one of them glowed with a hue of golden Grace.
There were reasons why he was called the Morning Star.
Castiel could remember that Gabriel once had told him that Lucifer liked to change the color of his wings, but in the end it were always the pure white ones you would see if you faced him in a battle.
"They once were pink." Gabriel voice echoed inside Castiel's mind. "You should have seen father's face."
Castiel's six wings didn't match at all. The golden ones of Gabriel were too huge, that was why they were the last pair at the end. Balthazar's wings were a bluish grey with a soft orange hue, and they as well were bigger than Castiel's, which was why they came right after Gabriel's. Castiel knew that his real form had to look like a crazy quilt made of golden, blue and orange colored Grace, and he wondered what he looked like now to the other angels.
"You do know that you don't have the slightest chance against me? Even if you're all powered up on Grace." Lucifer smiled.
Castiel didn't answer, instead he surged forward without a warning, his angel blade in his hand.
Lucifer chuckled before he let go of the illusion of his vessel, finally showing his true form.
It always stuck Castiel how bright and blindingly beautiful he was, but right now he didn't care.
Right now, all he wanted to be was free.