Ask Peeves:
You Dullards Are Finally Getting It!
For months I've told you losers to never write to me again, but obviously, it had absolutely no effect on your puny brains—until now. I only had two questions mailed to me this week! What a nice change! Hell, if this keeps up, I might be able to stop answering questions for good!
Dullard,
I have abbit of a problem, last night my head of house started to come on to me, but she's like 80 or something. I don't know what to do bcause there is no way in hell I'll do anything even remoptely sexual with that woman.
Signed,
--Gryff 4 Lyf
Gryff--
Yes, there actually is. I wouldn't be surprised if you have already. But, what the fuck, I'll give your some advice, anyway: TELL HER TO GET LOST! If you really didn't want this sick old lady having sex with you, you would've said something by now. So, that means you do want to have sex with her.
Have fun fucking someone seven times your age!
--Peeves
Dear peeved one,
I'm going to start by stating (one of) my problem(s): I have a stalker. If that's not bad enough, I'm not the only one he is following. He's a real creep, and a dumb one that doesn't get a clue that we don't want him near us. At first we tried being subtle and ignoring him. Then we told him to his face. My friend has even gone as far to have someone pretend to be her boyfriend, and he still doesn't get it. Some of the other girls have even told him straight out that they don't like him. It's not that he's a pervert (that's my other stalker, but him I handle with violence); it's a combination of his bad smell (which people often tell him about) and his plain out ignorance. We know that most of his problem stems from being home schooled, but that's nothing we can fix. Like I said before, the problem is he doesn't get the hints. You could say, "No I don't want to go to our family movie nights- ever!" or " I really don't want you near me!" and even, "you smell bad" and all he will do is pause for a few seconds and keep on talking as if you hadn't said anything at all. How do we get him to stop? Why do I attract such weirdoes/ how do I prevent from having multiple guys following me?
--canweavadahimyet
If you handled that other guy with violence, why don't you handle this guy with it, too? Telling him how much you hate him doesn't get to him, so violence is pretty much the only other option. I recommend a pair of brass knuckles and steel-toed boots. (The Cruciatus Curse wouldn't be bad either, but I'm assuming you can't perform it.)
As for why these guys are attracted to you, think about it: They're freaks, and so are you. If even beating the living shit out of this guy doesn't get him to leave you alone, consider the fact that you two could be the perfect couple!