Disclaimer: I don't own the Host. Just Aiden and Macey.

I couldn't fall asleep. At least not right now.

It was silent. Silent outside in the hall and silent inside the room. It was so quiet that I was afraid to make a sound. I held my breath to stop the hitches of my breath, biting my lip until I felt it bled.

I twisted my body from where I was still sitting awkwardly on the bed where Jared left me after lifted me from his lap.

I'm so confused. My mind is completely jumbled. Whether that is from Jared kissing me or from everything that has happened in a short span of time, I don't know. Probably both. All the events that were swirling around in my head, completely mussed together, was starting to give me a headache. I forced myself to relax for a moment to get my head straight. Then I started to sift through everything.

Jared now believed that Melanie was still in here with me. He recognized her existence. He accepted that a whole lot easier than I thought he would. Maybe he was already convinced, maybe Jeb and Jamie had really convinced him of the truth of Melanie's existence, and he just came to me for confirmation.

But he kissed me. Surely if he had know, or at least speculated, that Melanie was here, wouldn't he have come prepared with a way to get his confirmation? Rather than kissing me. If he had thought that Melanie was here, he would have come up with another way, he was smart, he would have thought of another way to find out the truth rather than having to kiss me.

No, he was not convinced that Melanie was alive when we were talking.

So, then why? I couldn't figure it out. I wish I could ask me. But I don't think she's very happy with me at the moment.

Melanie hasn't said anything to me since Jared had left. She was quietly working through her own reactions and fury. She was very angry. I could understand why. The lover of her life, and mine, had just kissed me. And I had enjoyed it far too much. Far, far too much.

I practically just made out with her boyfriend in front of her. And was rubbing it her face by enjoying it. I fell in love with her boyfriend, although at first it was through the memories she forced on me, but then it was by myself when I met him. And then every time I see him, she has to deal with the love that I feel for him. I was sorry that she was angry. I was sorry that this was probably hurting her.

Tears, much weaker than the ones before, flowed down my cheeks in silence. And she became aware of me.

Calm down, Wanda. I'm not mad at you.

Yes. Of course you are.

No, I'm not. I'm mad at Jared.

Jared? Why would you be mad at him?

Because of his stupidity, he hurt you. She sighed. Didn't think about how much that would hurt you? How much you love him?

Don't blame him. He doesn't know.

Yeah, sure. She sighed again. I didn't plan that happening.

Neither did he, I'd bet.

She suddenly went quiet again.

And I realized I was alone. It was lonely for a moment, but then I realized it was better to be alone. Much less humiliating.

I curled up on the bed, pressing my face against the fabric of the mattress. I wasn't sleepy, but I was tired. The crushing weight of the pain that came after figure out that Jared's kiss was a test was so heavy it exhausted me. I closed my eyes and tried to think about things that wouldn't make my stinging eyes tear up again. Anything but the warmth of Jared's lips on mine, his hands…

What was Jamie doing now? Did he know I was here, or was he looking for me? Ian would be asleep for a long time, he looked exhausted. Would Kyle be awake soon? Would he come look for me? Where was Jeb? I hadn't seen him all day. What jar of baby food was I going to give Aiden and Macey tomorrow? Was Doc really drinking himself unconscious? That seemed so unlike him...

I woke slowly, roused by my growling stomach, and by Aiden's squealing. I turned to look at him, and my eyes bugged out of my head as I lunged for him. He was rolling on the bed and had almost rolled himself off the edge of the bed. I hugged him tight top my chest. He almost gave me a heart attack!

I was going to have to be a lot more care now. They were going to keep me on my toes. I'm going to have to start boxing them in around the bed. We don't have any extra pillows in the room, and I didn't really want to ask for more, but the blankets I brought should work.

I decided to feed the twins while I was alone, I could feed the jar of baby food when I ate, which would have to be soon since my stomach is determined to make its presence known.

How long had I been sleeping? It must have been a long time with the way my stomach was grumbling.

Thankfully, the twins decided not to take long with their feeding. Although, Macey decided to have one of her playful moments while I was changing her. Making it a game of trying to grab my hand when I was putting on her clothes. I would have disciplined her if she was doing because she was being disobedient, like Aiden does often, but I knew she was just having fun.

When I finally got everything done I wondered what I would be doing for eating. I didn't really want to go eat in the kitchen with everyone around, but I didn't see any other choice, so I decided to scavenge some rolls from the kitchen and hoped it wasn't packed.

I was feeling a little hurt, on top of the big hurt, that I've been here so long without anyone coming to look for me. What a vain attitude, why should anyone care about what happens to me? So, I was relieved and appeased to find Jamie sitting beside the doorway of the room, leaning back again the rock wall, unmistakably waiting for me.

My eyes brightened, and so did his. He scrambled to his feet, relief washing over his features.

"You're okay." He said; I wished he were right. He began to ramble. "I mean I didn't think Jared was lying. But he said he thought you wanted to be alone, and Jeb said that I couldn't go check on you and that I had to stay right here where he could see that I wasn't sneaking away over here, but even though I didn't think you were hurt or anything, it was hard not to know for sure, you know?"

"I'm fine." I told him. But he held his arms out anyways, seeking reassurance. He threw his arms around my waist, and I was shocked to find out that he could rest his head on my shoulder while we stood.

"You're eyes are red." He whispered. "Was he mean to you?"

"No." After all, I knew he wasn't being intentionally cruel. He himself didn't even know he was going to kiss me, let alone know that it was give me great pain afterwards.

"Whatever you said to him, I think he believes us now. About Mel, I mean. How does she feel?"

"She's glad about that." I said, but I didn't really know for sure if she really was, we never talked about it. But I would imagine she would be.

He nodded, pleased. "How about you?"

I hesitated, looking for a response he would believe. "Telling the truth is easier for me than trying to hide it."

My evasion seemed to answer the question enough to satisfy him.

Behind him, the light peeking through the holes in the hallway was getting red and fading. The sun had already set on the desert.

"I'm hungry." I told him, and I pulled away from our hug.

"I knew you would be. I saved you something good."

I sighed. "Bread's fine."

"Let it go, Wanda. You're too self sacrificing for your own good."

I made a face.

"I've got a point." Jamie muttered. "Even if we all want you here, you don't belong here until you decide you do."

"I can't ever belong. And nobody really wants me here, Jamie."

"I do."

I didn't fight with him, but he was wrong. Not lying, because he believed what he was saying.

But what he really wanted was Melanie. He didn't separate us the way he should.

On our way to the kitchen, the twins kept on moving in their wraps, trying to get Jamie to pay attention to them. And when that didn't work, they settled for squealing at him.

"Oops! Sorry, guys." He said and he reached for Macey.

I teasingly handed him Aiden.

Jamie withdrew his hands with cautious eyes.

I laughed softly. The last time Jamie held Aiden, Aiden had peed on him and all over his shirt. I told him to carry Aiden to the bathing room because I didn't want to get what little clothes I have dirty since his already were. He carried Aiden the whole way, holding him away from his body, gagging. So, now Jamie is weary on holding him.

I decided to take pity on him and gave him Macey.

He sighed in relief. "Hey, May-Jay." He cooed to her.

My brow lifted in response. May-Jay?

He looked at me sheepishly. "What you don't like it?"

"No, I just wasn't expecting it."

He smiled with pride. "Well, I came up with it since her name is Maecella Jane. So… May-Jay."

I smiled. May-Jay. I like it.

Trudy and Heidi were baking rolls in the kitchen and were sharing a bright green, juicy apple. They took turns taking bites.

"It's good to see you, Wanda." Trudy said sincerely, covering her mouth while she spoke because she was still chewing her last bite. Heidi nodded in greeting, her teeth sunk in the apple. Jamie nudged me, trying to inconspicuous about it. Pointing out that people wanted me. He wasn't making allowances for common courtesy.

"Did you save her dinner?" He asked eagerly.

"Yep." Trudy said. She bent down beside the over and came back with a metal tray in her hand. "Kept it warm. It's probably nasty and tough now, but it's better than the usual."

On the tray was a rather large piece of red meat. My mouth started to water, even as I rejected the portion I'd be allotted.

"It's too much." "We have to eat all the perishables the first day." Jamie encouraged me. "Everyone eats themselves sick. It's a tradition."

"You need the protein." Trudy added. "We were on cave rations too long. I'm surprised no one's in worse shape. And you need it f\to keep those babies nice and strong there."

I ate my protein while Jamie watched with hawk like attention as each bite traveled from the tray to my mouth. Even jokingly dramatizing my bites and my sounds to show how good it tasted. He laughed. I ate it all to please him, though it made my stomach ache to eat so much.

The kitchen started to fill up again as I was finishing. A few had apples in their hands. All sharing with someone else.

"Why is everyone coming here now?" I muttered to Jamie.

It was black outside the dinner hour was long over.

Jamie looked at me blankly for second. "To hear you teach." His tone added the words of course.

"Are you kidding me?"

"I told you, nothing has changed."

I stared around the narrowed room. It wasn't a full house. No Doc tonight, and none of the raiders which meant no Paige either. No Jeb, no Ian, no Walter. A few others were missing. Travis, Carol, Ruth Ann, but more than I would have thought if I'd thought anyone would consider following the normal routine after such an abnormal day.

"Can we go back to the Dolphins, where we left off?" Wes asked, interrupting my evaluation of the room. I could see that he'd taken it upon himself to get the ball rolling rather that he was vitally interested in the kinship circles or an alien planet.

Everyone looked at me expectantly. Apparently, life was not changing as much as I thought.

I took a tray of rolls from Heidi's hands and turned to shove it in the stove oven. I started talking with my back still turned.

"So… um… hmm… the, uh, third set of grandparents… They traditionally serve the community as they see it. On Earth, they would be the breadwinners. The ones who leave the home and bring back sustenance. They are farmers, for the most part. The cultivate a plant like growth that they milk for its sap…"

And life went on.

When it came time to go back to sleep, I was nervous about facing Jared again, but I didn't see him that night or the following day.

It was awkward again, going about my usual chores, with the six raiders home. Just like when Jeb had first forced me to join the community. Hostile stares, angry silences. It was harder for them than it was for me, though. I was used to it. They, on the other hand, were entirely unaccustomed to the way everyone else treated me. When I was helping with the corn harvest, for example, and Lily thanked me for a fresh bucket with a smile, and a pat on the twins head, Andy's eyes bulged in their sockets at the exchange. Or when I was waiting for the bathing pool with Trudy and Heidi, and Heidi began playing with my hair. It was growing, always swinging in my eyes these days, and I was planning to shear it off again. Heidi was trying to find a style for me, flipping the strands this way and that. Brandt and Aaron, Aaron was the oldest man who'd gone on the long raid, someone I couldn't remember having seen before at all, came out and found us there. Trudy laughing at some silly atrocity Heidi was attempting to create a top my head, and both men turned a little green and stalked silently past us.

Of course, little things like that were nothing. Kyle roamed the caves now, and though he was obviously under orders to leave us in peace, his expression made it clear that this restriction was repugnant to him.

I was always with others when I crossed his path, and I wondered if that was the only reason he did nothing more than glower at me and unconsciously curl his thick fingers into claws and stalk past the door to my room late at night. This brought back all the panic from my first weeks here, especially since Jamie insisted on staying with me in my room and Jared was nowhere to be seen, and I might have succumbed to it, begun hiding again, avoiding the common areas, but something more important than Kyle's murderous glares came to my attention that second night.

The kitchen filled up again. I'm not sure how much was actual interest in my stories and how much was interest in the chocolate bars Jeb handed out.

I declined mine, explaining to a disgruntled Jamie that I couldn't talk and chew at the same time; I suspected that he would save one for me, obstinate as ever, so I quickly added that it was bad for me to be eating chocolate while I was still breastfeeding the twins. It was a complete lie, of course, but Jamie was too disgusted with the thought of me breastfeeding to catch it.

Ian was back in his usual hot seat by the fire, and Andy was there, eyes wary, beside Paige. None of the other raiders, including Jared, was in attendance. I wondered where he was at. Was he avoiding me because of… what happened? Yes, of course. He probably was.

Doc was not here, and I wondered if he was still drunk or perhaps hung over. And again, Walter was absent.

Geoffrey, Trudy's husband, questioned me for the first time tonight. I was pleased, though I tried not to show it, that he seemed to have joined the ranks of the humans who tolerated me.

But I couldn't answer his questions well, which was too bad. His questions were like Doc's.

"I don't really know anything about Healing." I admitted. "I never went to a Healer after… after I had Aiden and Maecella. I haven't been sick and neither have they. All I know is that we wouldn't choose a planet unless we were able to maintain the host bodies perfectly. There's nothing that can't be healed, from a simple cut, a broken bone, to a disease. Old age is the only cause of death now. Even healthy human bodies were only designed to last for so long. And there are accidents, too, I guess, though those don't happen as often with the souls. We're cautious."

"Armed humans aren't just an accident." Someone muttered. I was moving hot rolls; I didn't see who spoke, and I didn't recognize the voice.

"Yes, that's true." I agreed evenly.

"So you don't know what they use to cure diseases, then?" Geoffrey pressed. "What's in their medications?"

I shook my head. "I'm sorry, I don't. It wasn't something I was interested in, back when I had access to the information. I'm afraid I took it for granted. Good health is simply a given on every planet I've lived on."

Geoffrey's red cheeks flushed brighter than usual. He looked down, and angry set to his mouth.

What had I said that offended him?

Heath, sitting beside Geoffrey, patted his arm. There was a pregnant silence in the room.

"Uh. About the Vultures…" Ian said. The words were forced, a deliberate subject change. "I don't know if I missed this part sometime, but I don't remember you ever explaining about them being 'unkind'…?"

It wasn't something I had explained, but I was pretty sure he wasn't really that interested. This was just the first question he'd probably been able to think of.

My informal class ended earlier than usual. The questions were slow, and most of them were supplied by Jamie and Ian. Geoffrey's question had left everyone else preoccupied.

"We've got an early one tomorrow, tearing down the stalks…" Jeb mused after yet another awkward silence, making the words a dismissal. People rose to their feet and stretched, talking in low voices that weren't casual enough.

"What did I say?" I whispered to Ian.

"Nothing. They've got mortality on their minds." He sighed.

My human brain made one of those leaps in understanding that they called intuition.

"Where's Walter?" I demanded, still whispering.

Ian sighed again. "He's in the south wing. He's... not doing well."

"Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"Things have been... difficult for you lately, so…"

I shook my head impatiently at that consideration. "What's wrong with him?"

Jamie was there beside me now; he took my hand.

"Some of Walter's bone snapped, they're so brittle." He said in a hushed voice. "Doc's sure it's cancer. Final stages, he says."

"Walt must have been keeping quiet about the pain for a long while now." Ian added somberly.

I winced. "And there's nothing to be done? Nothing at all?"

Ian shook his head, keeping his eyes on mine. "Not for us. Even if we weren't stuck here, there would be no help for him now. We never cured that one."

I bit my lip against the suggestion I wanted to make. Of course there was nothing to do for Walter. Any of these humans would rather die slowly and in pain than trade their mind for their body's cure. I could understand that. Not during those first few months I couldn't, but now I could.

"He's been asking for you and the kids." Ian continued. "Well, he says your guys names sometimes; it's hard to tell what he means. Doc's keeping him drunk to help with the pain."

"Doc feels real bad about using so much of the alcohol himself." Jamie added. "Bad timing, all around."

"Can I see him?" I asked. "Or will that make the others unhappy?"

Ian frowned and snorted. "Wouldn't that be just like some people, to get worked up over this?" He shook his head. "Who cares, though, right? If it's Walt's final wish…"

"Right." I agreed. The word 'final' had my eyes burning. "If seeing us is what Walter wants, then I guess it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, or if they get mad."

"Don't worry about that. I'm not going to let anyone harass you." Ian's white lips pressed into a thin line.

I felt anxious, like I wanted to look at a clock. Time had ceased to mean much to me, but suddenly I felt the weight of a deadline. "Is it too late to go tonight? Will we disturb him?"

"He's not sleeping regular hours. We can go see."

I started walking at once, dragging Jamie because he still gripped my hand. The sense of passing time, of endings and finality, propelled me forward. Ian caught up quickly, though, with his long stride.

In the moonlit garden, we passed others who for the most part paid us no mind. I was too often in the company of Jamie and Ian to cause any curiosity. Though we weren't headed for the usual tunnels.

The one exception was Kyle. He froze midstride when he saw his brother beside me. His eyes flashed down to see Jamie's hand in mine, and then his lips twisted into a snarl.

Ian squared his shoulders as he absorbed his brother's reaction, his mouth curled into a mirror of Kyle's, and he deliberately reached for my other hand. Kyle made a noise like he was about to be sick and turned his back on us.

When we were in the blackness of the long tunnel, I tried to free that hand, feeling slightly uncomfortable. Ian gripped in tighter.

"I wish you wouldn't make him angrier." I muttered.

"Kyle is wrong. Being wrong is sort of a habit with him. He'll take longer than anyone else to get over it, but that doesn't mean we should make allowances for him."

"He frightens me." I admitted in whisper. "I don't want him to have any more reasons to hate me."

Ian and Jamie squeezed my hands at the same time. They spoke simultaneously.

"Don't be afraid." Jamie said.

"Jeb's made his opinion very clear." Ian said.

"So had Jared." Jamie added.

"What do you mean?" I asked Ian.

"If Kyle can't accept Jeb's rules, then he's no longer welcome here."

"But that's wrong. Kyle belongs here."

Ian grunted. "He's staying… so he'll just have to learn to deal."

We didn't talk again through the ling walk. I was feeling guilty. It seemed to be a permanent emotional state here. Guilt and fear and heartbreak. Why had I come?

Because you belong here. Melanie whispered. She was very aware of the warmth of Jamie's and Ian's hand around mine, the twins heat against my chest. Where ever else have you had this?

Nowhere. I confess. Feeling more depressed. But it doesn't make me belong. Not the way you do.

You're wrong.

No, I wasn't. She's human, I'm not.

I'm sorry about Walter. She added. Walter didn't mean as much to her as he did to me. She was sad that he was dying, but she had accepted that outcome in the beginning. I couldn't. Not even now.

Walter was my friend, not hers. I was the one he defended.

One of the dim blue lights greeted us as we approached the hospital wing. (I knew now that the lanterns were solar powered, left in sunny corners during the day to charge.) We all moved quietly, slowly at the same time without having to discuss it.

I hated this room. In the darkness, with the odd shadows thrown by the weak glow, it seemed only more forbidding. There was a new smell. The room reeked of slow decay and sting alcohol and bile.

Two of the cots were occupied. Doc's feet hung over the edge of one; I recognized his light snore. On the other, looking hideously withered and misshapen, Walter watched us approach.

"Are you up for visitors, Walt?" Ian whispered when Walter's eyes drifted in his direction.

"Ungh." Walter moaned. His lips drooped from his slack face, and his skin gleamed wetly in the low light.

"Is there anything you need?" I murmured. I pulled my hands free. They fluttered helplessly in the air between me and Walter.

His loosely rolling eyes searched the darkness. I took a step closer.

"Is there anything we can do for you? Anything at all?"

His eyes roamed till they found my face. Abruptly, they focused through the drunken stupor and the pain.

"Finally." He gasped. He breath wheezed and whistled. "I knew you would come if I waited long enough. Oh, Gladys, I have so much to tell you."

Author's Note. I hope you enjoy the chapter! Thanks for the reviews and please REVIEW again.

In response to Rez: Thank you!

In response to Kim: Thank you. It's good to know that I'm keeping to the characters and their personalities as they are in the book.

In response to Sarah: I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you mean. What about Melanie are you talking about?

See you later!

-BethDee