All characters belong to E.L. James as do parts of their back stories. Some of the quotes belong to Nicholas Sparks due to the fact this is loosely based on The Notebook.

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Chapter XXIV

Anastasia's POV

-It's been a week. I...I need to get some things out and I guess I'll do it here. My book. How do I feel? That is the last question Flynn asked me. Lost. That's how I feel. Failure. I feel that too. Christian is consuming himself with work and looking for Jason. He thinks I don't hear him at night when he cries but I do. He always thinks I'm asleep but I haven't slept much in the past week since...the accident. I hear him talk to me every night but I never know what to say. I'm sorry, that isn't going to change anything. It'll be okay, I don't necessarily believe that but maybe one day it will be. I do feel bad that the only thing I said about the house Christian built us, that we now live in since the penthouse blew up, is "it's nice". I saw it but I didn't really see it until a few day ago. Chris and Ray came to see me the other day said they finished the surprise for the twins. They had been the only ones besides Christian and I to know but no one had been able to reach them to tell them about the accident. They heard it on the news. They were concerned about me. They were concerned because I haven't left mine and Christian's room and they've been in and out of the house all week without me noticing. I told them I didn't want to see the surprise but they wanted to show me anyways. It was a nursery. A beautiful nursery. The walls were painted like an undersea ocean paradise. The cribs were mahogany and they had beautiful yellow sheets on them with a Winnie the Pooh theme to them. The room had two gliders and...and I couldn't stay in longer to notice anything else. I had to get out. I couldn't stay in that room. I didn't even know Christian told them they could do the nursery, he had tried to show me where it would be but I didn't want to see it. I regret that now. I found myself there last night just sitting in one of the gliders holding a stuffed monkey. I don't think I sat there long before I had to leave the room again. I've heard Grace tell Christian that I need to grieve. I don't want to grieve because if I allow myself to admit that I lost him or her then it's true, I don't want it to be true. That's where the feeling of failure comes in. I failed Christian. He chose me to carry him children and I...I couldn't keep...I failed. It hurts so much, too much, so I block it out. I don't allow myself to feel it so it doesn't hurt as much. A part of me is broken though, almost as much as our family. Broken like a shattered mirror. Our family is broken and...distant in a way that I don't remember it ever being before. Leila and Sam live with us in the big house now. Of course so do Luke and Gail. Luke is hardly ever here because he spends all the time getting drunk but he tries to hide it. Gail is...so...she misses Jason but no one can find him. A missing link I think is how a person would describe it. Our days are spent mostly in awkward silence's but...we're always together. Always in the same room...not straying that far from one another. We've all been seeing Flynn and honestly I don't see how it's helping, if it is at all. He says that we are all content with living together despite the silence because we are afraid to lose anyone else...or something like that. I'm the only one who hasn't talked in my sessions with him...like right now. I'm writing and he's staring at me, trying to read me. He talks to me but again I don't know what to say so I stay quiet. He's tried using memories of Aiden or of Christian, Aiden, and I to break through but I can never tell him how I feel. I can't tell him because...it's my fault. If I had been stronger I would have been able to fight Steve and Aiden wouldn't have come after me. If I had been stronger I wouldn't have lost my child. It all comes down to me. It's my fault. I-"

"Ana?"

Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Tick Tock.

"Ana I'm afraid our time is up now. I'll see you tomorrow."

I nod and open the door without a word. I admitted it, to a journal but I admitted it. I walked out the door to the office building and down the street. It was a semi-long walk to where I needed to go but I know I needed to be there. Today wasn't just any day...it's Aiden's funeral. It starts in an hour and a half so I have time but I want to get there before anyone else. Turn after turn and I become more confident in my decision. I need to talk to someone, why not talk to him? Finally I arrive at the church and I walk in. I'm not the first one here, Aiden's parents and Luke are here standing at the front...with Aiden. I take a deep breath and approach them.

"Ana." Luke says as he pulls me in for a hug. He smells like Jack Daniels and Crown Royal. Oh, Luke. I hug him back and feel him tense up in surprise most likely.

I walk up to the casket and look at him, my best friend. "Aiden." I whisper his name. I see that his parents and Luke have moved back a little bit, I guess to let me have some space and privacy to say goodbye. "I don't know if you can hear me wherever you are but...I'm scared. I...I lost one of the babies. I lost my best friend. I don't know who else to talk to. You were always my strength, you always kept me on my feet. Especially those 10 years I thought I was too broken to be fixed. I need you to be my strength now. I don't want you to be gone. I...please...I need your help. I don't...who else do I have to turn to?"

The doors open and as if in answer to my question in comes Christian. I look at Aiden and then back at Christian. Either Christian had great timing or Aiden...heard me. I feel an arm around my waist and I know it's Christian. I...I can't. I failed him. I move from his embrace and sit down on the pue to wait for the service to start. I watch Christian say a few words to Aiden before he comes to sit by me. One by one the people come in. Some stop to talk to Aiden, others just gave their condolences to his family. Leila...she damn near refused to leave his side. She loves him so much. I know he loved her too with everything he had.

The preacher stands up and says a few verses from the bible. Aiden's parents stand up and each tell a story about a moment with Aiden they'll never forget. Luke gets up and his speech changes everything.

"My brother wrote down exactly how he wanted his 'going away party' as he worded it to go. Apparently after faking his death and seeing his fake funeral he decided to write it all down in detail. He did leave a video...a message. He wanted me to play it now so I guess I'll get it started."

I look around and it seems everyone is just as surprised as everyone else. Luke presses a few buttons on a remote and up pops Aiden's face on the wall behind the pulpit. Luke presses play and his message starts.

"Hello? Alright I think I got this thing on. Uh...Hey everyone! Hope everyone is doing good...or at least okay. (Aiden. Always trying to open with a joke.) Alright so lets start with you Luke do not even complain about my details when you are the one who always told me if you want it done right do it yourself or write it down specifically. I did just that big brother! (I see Luke crack a smile while he tries to keep from crying.) Mom and dad...I love you. I don't know what Luke told you but if he said I wanted a burial like my goldfish had when I was 8 he's lying! I didn't even want Mr. Scales flushed down the toilet. (Okay so he was good at making people laugh. Everyone in the church chuckled at that.) Uh...whose next...Ana! Oh little little Ana. Please please don't be sad. I mean who wants to be that sad girl that writes all her feelings in a book...that is sooo movie drama. You have a whole boat load of people to talk to so open that little mouth that I know can talk a thousand words per minute and TALK CHICADEE! (Hmm...I'll keep that in mind Aiden.) And that brings me to Christian. Dude...STOP BLAMING YOURSELF. Uh uh uh! Don't even tell me you're not because I KNOW you are. (I look over at Christian and he's shaking his head. Is he blaming himself? It's not his fault.) And last but NEVER THE LEAST my Leila. Leila, Leila, Leila...what I really need to you cannot be said here so Luke will be giving a DVD I made for you with a special message. Seriously, watch it alone baby. (Okay then. I guess that will be one well watched DVD by Leila. She chuckles and nods her head at the Aiden in the video.) Well I think I've covered everyone. So if I'm old and died all wrinkly and icky in my bed or if an accident took me too soon know that I love you all more than all the shit in this world. Know that I'm always going to be with you...or in Luke's case pulling ghostly practical jokes on him. Know that I lived a happy life and...I will miss you all. See you all at another time in another place."

The video ends and it's silent.

The preachers gets up again and recites a poem Aiden wrote down that he wanted recited. "When I come to the end of the road and the sun has set on me, I want no rites in a gloom filled room, why cry for a soul set free. Miss me little-but not too long, and not with your head bowed low. Remember the love that we once shared, miss me...but let me go. For this is a journey that we all must take, and each must go alone. It's all part of the Master's plan, a step on the road to home. When you are lonely and sick of heart, go to the friends we know. And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds, miss me...but let me go."

The service concludes with one of his favorite songs. Somewhere over the rainbow. Everyone sits and listens to the song and then at the very end the voice changes. Instead of Judy Garland singing it's him, Aiden.

Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops away above the chimney tops,
that's where you'll find me.
Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow, why then, oh why can't I?
If happy little blue birds fly beyond the rainbow...
Why oh why can't I?

As we all walk out of the church I notice the sun is shining brighter and Christian points at the sky. Leila and I look to where he's pointing and there's a rainbow there. Aiden, it has to be him. Christian takes my hand and I take Leila's as he says 'Let's go home.'

As he walks us to the car I think maybe, just maybe, things will change now.

Maybe we will start to heal each other.

We will miss him but we will go what the poem said...

We will let him go.

Spoiler: I have a surprise for the next Chapter. You see Aiden's POV one last time as he says goodbye in his own way. You won't have to wait for long!