Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight….but I do have lots of Kleenex in my linen closet….

Disorientation, Delusions and Reunions

BPOV

I woke up feeling disoriented with the throbbing sensation in my wrist being the only reminder that what happened to me was not just a dream. Wiping the sleep from my eyes, I winced as my fingertip came into contact with the tender tissue, because apparently hysterical crying isn't very good for your skin.

Alice was lying on her side in front of me, hugging the comforter securely to her chest with a small grin on her face. I hated that she wouldn't go home and just leave me to my wallowing. No amount of girl time was going to bring my husband back to me. I had ruined our marriage and lost our child all in one day, and nothing she could say or do was going to make it better.

I kept thinking about yesterday, I dreamt about it, well, had nightmares actually, about the look on his face, he looked so angry, but then it turned into something else, he was hurt, I knew he was, and he just turned and pulled away from me. All I wanted was for him to come back and tell me that it was all going to be ok, and he just left. He didn't want me anymore, I ruined it, I let myself get pregnant.

The baby, my little tiny baby, it was gone, and there was nothing I would ever be able to do about it. At least if I wouldn't have lost it, I would have had a piece left of him. Why did he leave? Was it because I didn't tell him, god, I tried, was I just supposed to blurt it out in front of the entire hospital?

How had everything managed to fall apart in a matter of days?

Two freaking days ago we were happy, he loved me, he was taking care of me, talking to me again, we were spending time together again like we use to. I thought I had my Edward back, the one I fell in love with. Now I didn't know what I had.

I lost my child, I lost my husband, my family is busy with the new addition, who I probably won't even be able to look at without crying, I broke my wrist because I am not even capable of standing upright, my best friend has fallen in love, and even though she is lying directly in front of me, I know that she isn't really with me. How can I blame her for that, she's finally happy, and Jasper is amazing.

I took in several deep breaths and tried to fight off the tears that seemed to be coming in waves. I hated this, how had it all gone so wrong? Maybe if I would have just eased up on him, god, no, he was an insufferable asshole a month ago, and now he was gone.

What the hell!

The tears rolled down my cheeks as the weight of everything sunk in, no amount of planning would have done anything to prevent any of this, it just happened, and all of it was horrible. It was horrible that I lost my child, the child I had finally come to terms with, my husband had left for reasons not entirely clear to me, and I didn't know if he was even going to come back. What was I going to say to him if he did?

I'm sorry for losing the child I never told you about.

Where in the hell have you been you asshole?

It was always one extreme or the other, anger or sadness, nothing else, and even the anger made me want to cry.

Large, salty tears streamed down my cheeks as I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around myself, bringing my knees up to my chest. I knew that I was going to wake Alice up, but at this point I didn't care, I couldn't handle this anymore, it was all too much. I just wanted to erase the past week of my life.

I wanted to go back and tell Edward the second he got home from work on Thursday, I wanted to have Emmett home earlier so he could take Rosalie to the hospital, I wanted to be here, in my bed, with Edward wrapped around me talking about our child.

I never realized how much I really did want to be a mother before. It had never seemed real before, I mean I knew that I wanted a child, sometime, in the future, but to have it literally ripped out of my grasp as soon as it was dropped into my hands was just so totally unfair.

My hands migrated down to my flat stomach and I cried even harder when I realized that there wasn't anything in there now. I didn't even get to really say goodbye, not that it was big enough yet, but it was just there one minute, and not the next. I never got a say, I never got to tell anyone that it was what I wanted, it was just there, and then gone.

Sort of ironic, one minute I had a husband and a possible baby, and the next, gone.

My sobs were coming in mixed with gasps as I let myself completely breakdown. I had been trying to fight it, trying to tell myself that I could handle this, that it would all be alright, but it wasn't and I knew that it wasn't and yet there was nothing I could even do about it.

Warm tiny hands ran over my cheeks, wiping up the wetness that was covering them and I could hear her whispering comforting things in my ear, tying to get me to calm down, I knew that I was borderline hysterical at this point, but I couldn't stop.

All the raw emotions of everything was just pouring out of me as I began to whimper, my frame shaking as I could feel the wetness seeping into Edward's shirt on my chest.

"Shhh, it's alright, just let it go, it's ok," Alice whispered in my ear as she maneuvered herself behind me and sat up against the headboard with my head in her lap.

"I…..I just……I don't know……he's gone, it's gone……" I sobbed as she stroked my hair and let me cry onto her lap.

It was all pouring out of me, every ounce of sadness, anger, the hurt I was feeling, along with the betrayal. I never in a million years thought that Edward would ever abandon me like this. I thought I knew him, really knew him, and he loved me, I knew he did.

I was shaking, and half choking on my own tears as I continued to sob into Alice's lap. She didn't say anything else; she just covered me with the comforter and let me cry. I just needed to feel something, last night I was just so numb, I couldn't process it. Even in the bathtub, I just sat there, soaking, thinking, not feeling, I didn't feel anything. I felt empty. I still feel empty, and so sad. I just….there are no words. There are no words for something like this.

Grieving for something that you never really had a tangible hold on is so confusing, and it makes the loss even more profound when you had finally formed a bond with something like that. I was imagining the swollen belly, the nursery, the tiny little child with Edward's green eyes.

Images of the life I could have had were flashing through my brain as I continued to cry, I could have been happy, I could have been a mother. Was that even possible for me now?

I wanted to go to Edward and just shake him, tell him to love me, tell him not to leave me ever again. He hadn't even been gone a day, and I knew I could never survive this without him. I couldn't lose him because of this; I wouldn't be able to get over this without him. It was his child too, our child, the baby we made together, out of love. I had been so concerned with him showing his affection towards me in a physical way that I had forgotten about that part, the love part. I had always just wanted him to love me.

Did he love me still?

What was he doing, what was he thinking? Was he mad, was he sad too?

I knew that he was just trying to protect himself, hiding behind his walls. The walls I had tried so hard to infiltrate when I first met him. It took me years to join him behind those walls, and now I was standing on the outside again. He was pushing me out, pushing me away, and I didn't know how to get back in.

What if he never let me back in?

As I contemplated this, I just cried harder, not knowing what the future held for me anymore. Would he move out? Was this the end? What was I going to do?

If he left me, if this was truly it, then I had absolutely no idea what reason I would have to live for. Edward was it for me, the one, I knew that, with all my heart, and if he was gone, I would be left an empty shell of a person.

I heard him yelling at Alice in the hallway when I was waking up…..he just kept saying I can't…..I can't, I can't, I just can't…..

Can't what?

Can't be with me anymore? Can't believe I didn't tell him about the baby? Can't deal with it?

Can't what Edward, can't fucking What?!

I knew that my father went after him. Was he lying in a hospital bed somewhere?

My father had a short temper when he was pushed, if Edward pushed, police officer be damned, Charlie would hit him, I was certain of it. Should I ask Alice if she knew what happened?

The tears were forming a little slower as I tried to force myself to breathe. I felt like my chest had been ripped open. I was in so much pain, not just physical discomfort, emotional pain, the kind of pain that you don't get over; the kind of pain that haunts you.

"Bella?" Alice whispered as I resituated myself on her lap and wiped the tears away from my cheeks.

"Hmmm," I responded, my throat was dry from the crying and I didn't even know if I could form words.

"You know I'm here, for the long haul, right?"

I nodded and sniffled, trying to pull myself up to sit next to her against the padding on the headboard.

"Thank you," I whispered, my voice rough and hoarse. I didn't even sound like myself.

"I love you Bella, it'll be alright, we'll make sure that everything is alright." It sounded like she was trying to reassure herself more than me. I knew that she was trying to be strong for me, and I really appreciated it, but between the two of us, I had always been the stronger one.

We sat there for an immeasurable amount of time, my sniffling and hiccupping and her rubbing her tiny hand over my knee reassuringly. I was swimming in Edward's clothes, but I didn't care, they made me feel better, even though they were clean and didn't smell like him. I wanted to yell at Alice for sleeping on his pillow, but that was ridiculous, she was here, he wasn't, she didn't deserve that from me.

As I continued to run everything through my tired mind, the numbness started to seep back in. That feeling of emptiness that you get when you are overly tired, or mentally exhausted, which I was both, and I realized that no amount of crying or being hysterical was going to make this better. Nothing was, something died, someone died, and that was a loss that I was going to have to carry with me forever. Even if Edward did come back, even if we did eventually have other children, I would still feel that loss. That loss of the child I never got to love, the one I never got to meet, the one that was just taken from me.

I never understood why Esme was so sad when she talked about Edward being an only child. I knew that she had several failed pregnancies when Edward was little, but I just thought that it was something that happened. Early miscarriages never seemed to be a real concept to me. I mean, if it was your baby who died, one who was flesh and blood, who you held in your arms, I could understand that, the loss was tangible. When it involved a baby that hadn't even really had a chance to grow, one that was not even born yet, I didn't see it as a loss before now.

Now, I see that, losing a child no matter when or how it happens is devastating. It throws your whole world into disarray. I don't even know how Esme dealt with that while raising a toddler. I can't even imagine me dealing with it, I still don't know what I am going to do when I get out of this bed.

I know I can't stay here forever, I have a job, and a family, but right now I can't even fathom going to work and not breaking down into tears in my cubicle. Every time I even see a pregnant woman I know I'll cry; I'll cry for what I was deprived of.

How do women who go through this even think about having another child? I would be so scared, what if it happened again?

My stomach growled loudly, startling me back from my practically catatonic state leaning on Alice's shoulder.

"Hungry?" she asked in a small voice as she leaned away from me, my head slumping against the headboard.

"I guess," I mumbled, I didn't really feel hungry, but my body obviously disagreed with me.

Alice climbed out of the bed and held a hand out towards me, raising her eyebrow when I frowned at her. I didn't want to move, this bed was my sanctuary, I could hide here and forget about the rest of the world.

"Come on," she demanded, grabbing my hand and jerking me across the mattress.

I squeaked when my cast smacked into the bed, and my wrist began to throb again as I held it up to my chest, giving Alice a dirty look.

"Don't look at me like that, you are getting out of this bed, and if your are nice, I might give you your drugs," she huffed as she put her hands on her hips, waiting for me to move.

"Fine," I grumbled as I scooted my way across the mattress, the scrub pants pulling down as I tried to throw my legs over the edge of the bed.

Alice held her hand out and I held onto it with my good one as I stood up. I reached down and tightened the drawstring before I followed her out of the room, and Bailey raced up the steps when she saw us coming.

She must have stayed downstairs all night waiting for Edward. She hated going to bed without both of us. I knew the feeling, I hated going to bed without him too, I guess I had better get use to it.

When I reached the bottom of the stairs, Bailey jumped up on my legs and used to me stretch like she always did, but I was sore, so I kneed her and she jumped down and gave me a hurt look.

I knew I shouldn't take out my sour mood on the dog, but she didn't seem to understand the concept of personal space, and she was only going to make me angry.

"So what do you want? Breakfast? Lunch? It's um…..wow….one o'clock," Alice said as she poked her head in the refrigerator.

"I don't care," I said as I took a seat at the island and rested my forehead on the cool granite of the countertop. My whole body felt like crap, and I was sore everywhere, my arm, my stomach, my legs, and my face was sore from all the crying.

"Um, eggs?" she asked holding up a carton of eggs in front of her.

"Do you even know how to cook eggs, Alice?" I mumbled, not bothering to look up.

"Hey, give me some credit, I am not completely useless in the kitchen," she scoffed as she set the carton down on the counter in front of me.

She started opening cupboards, probably looking for a pan, so I figured I should probably help her out.

"Door to the right of the stove, shelf in the back, get the medium sized one. There is shredded cheese in the bottom drawer on the right, maybe some ham too."

My voice was still thick, but she was right, I did need to eat something, if I didn't the pain medication was just going to make me sick. I had more than enough throwing up in the last few weeks to last me for awhile, so I was not looking forward to more. I was already feeling the dry cottonmouth that the oxycontin was giving me, and I hoped that it would be the worst of the side effects.

"Um, scrambled?" she asked timidly as I could hear her cracking an egg into one of my glass mixing bowls.

I lifted my face up from the counter and attempted to nod before resting my chin on it. I knew that Alice would be able to make scrambled eggs without my help, so I fought the urge to try and help her, although I feared for the safety of my anodized frying pan.

Ten minutes, and only one burned attempt at cheesy scrambled eggs later, Alice was shoving a plate in front of me and instructing me to eat. I appreciated the effort, and the fact that she was not letting me sit around and cry all day, but all I really wanted was to be left alone. Alice was already missing work for me, and I didn't want her to put her life on hold for me.

"Alice?" I said as she began to load he dishes into the dishwasher once we were done eating.

"Bella?"

"Don't you um, need to go home and at least get your car or something?"

"Are you trying to get rid of me Bella?" she joked as she turned around with the dirty frying pan in her hand.

"No, I am really happy you are here, but I don't want you staying here because you think you have to. I'll be fine by myself for a few hours, I promise you wont come back to me with my wrists slit in the bathtub or anything."

"Bella…." She warned. Alice hated it when I made jokes like that, saying it wasn't funny to joke about suicide, but at this point, the morbid sense of humor that was coming out amidst the numbness was all I had to work with.

"Seriously Alice, just go home for a few hours and then come back if you want to. I'll be on my best behavior."

"Are you really sure you should be alone right now?" she asked as she walked around the island and ran her hand down my matted hair.

"I'll be fine, seriously, Bailey will keep me company."

"Alright, but you call me the second you need me back here," she said sternly. "And don't feel like you need to answer the phone or the doorbell or anything. I know you aren't ready to see people."

I knew exactly what she meant by people, Edward; I wasn't ready to see Edward.

Alice really did a number on him in the hospital, I didn't hear everything, but from what I did hear, he would be lucky if he had his balls still intact when he saw her again.

I wanted to be mad at him, right now, I kind of wanted to choke him, but I knew deep down, that the second I saw him again, I would be helpless, I love him. I could never stay away from him. There was very little that he could actually do to keep me away, the only thing I could never forgive him for was cheating, and he knew that. He always told me that I was more than enough, that I was the only woman he had ever, and would ever love.

I knew he would come back to me, the question was, what would he want from me when he did? Could we come back from something like this?

"Bella?" Alice shot me an amused smile as she waved her hand in front of my face.

"Yes Alice?"

"Just wanted to make sure you were still in there," she mused as she placed a tiny pill and a glass of water in front of me on the kitchen island.

"Yay drugs," I murmured as I took my pain pill.

"Bella, I think I am going to have Jacob come and get me. I'll be back in a few hours, but I think you are right, I need to take care of some things at home."

I nodded, and she sighed as I placed my cheek against the cool granite and continued staring off into space. I hoped that the painkillers would kick in soon because it would keep me from feeling anything for awhile. The numbness was still there, but the constant throb of my broken wrist was reminding me that the pain was just under the surface.

Jacob arrived twenty minutes later and insisted in on basically crushing me with a hug. By the time he picked me up, my drugs were completely in my system, so I couldn't stop giggling.

"Are you high Bells?" Jacob asked as he set me back down onto my stool.

"Um….maybe?" I answered before I laid my head on the countertop beside me.

Jacob turned to Alice and asked her, "Are you sure that we should leave her alone like this?"

They both looked at me, and the goofy grin that had taken up residence on my face, and Alice shrugged her shoulders.

"Maybe we should take her upstairs," Alice told Jacob as she let Bailey inside from the backyard.

Bailey ran to the front door and sniffed around in circles, obviously looking for Edward, and I frowned, because she wanted to see him more than me.

"Bastard dog," I grumbled as Jacob came up behind me and scooped me up into his arms.

"You're warm," I told him as he chuckled and carried me up the stairs to my bedroom.

He laid me down on the bed and pulled the covers up over me, kissing me on the forehead and sighing.

"Be good druggie, I'll send her back soon," he said before he walked out the bedroom door towards the stairs.

Alice set my cell phone down on the nightstand and kissed me on the cheek.

"Call me if you need me, I mean it. And don't feel like you have to get up if someone calls or comes to the door."

"Thank you," I whispered before I closed my eyes and drifted off into a drug-induced sleep.

*****

"Bella," My head was swimming from the deep sleep. The small voice was like a rock concert in my bedroom. My head was pounding, I stirred uncomfortably, there had to be some kind of button to turn off that noise.

I waved my arm around and felt the weight and the sickening pain shoot through my arm. Then it all came flooding back to me. Hitting me like a freight train and almost knocking the wind out of me.

"Bella, shh," Alice's voice was right beside my head now as she brushed strands of hair from my face. "It's okay,"

Why the hell was she waking me up now? I just wanted to sleep and forget about all of this. The darkness had provided me with a thick blanket of denial, I wanted to hold onto that, grasp at it with both hands and hold it over myself.

A thousand emotions ran through me but I couldn't settle on just one, they all hurt too much.

"Why?" I groaned, trying to remember how to move my limbs. My head was throbbing even harder as I moved.

"You were calling out in your sleep, and you need to take your other pill. The doctor also said that you could suffer from cotton mouth."

I ran my tongue along the roof of my mouth and found that it was indeed dry. I hadn't even noticed, I was still numb from . . .well, everything. Alice handed me a glass of water and two small pills and leaned forward brushing her thumb under my eyes.

Tears, I hadn't even realized they'd been there. I took a sip of the water first and found that it did indeed make me feel the tiniest bit better; I threw the pills in the back of my throat before draining off the last of it. It actually made the headache fade a little.

"How long have I been out?" I croaked edging up onto my elbows and squinting at my best friend. "Didn't Jacob take you home?"

I thought I remembered Jacob being here. It was hazy and a little foggy, but I was sure I had seen him. Alice offered me her hand and I gave her my good one so she could pull up into a sitting position.

I looked around, nothing hand changed but I hadn't really expected it to. Looking around all his things were still in exactly the place that they had been. I guess that was good, he didn't move out while I was sleeping at least.

"I've been gone for a while, almost four hours I think," I widened my eyes to look at her. Her hair was perfect but to my surprise no make up and she was wearing something resembling sweats.

"Four hours?"

"Four. Whole. Hours. Now get your ass up and moving, it'll make you feel better."

"I wasn't aware you'd received your PhD."

"Bella, I am warning you, I may be small but I will not hesitate to pull your ass out of this bed. I love you, and I won't let you wallow in you own shit. Now get up, I ordered Chinese, and rented some movies."

"Alice, I . . ."

Her look cut me off, and if I was being honest she was right, I couldn't sit here and rot because of what had happened no matter how much I wanted to. I had lost everything, but this was her way of telling me I still had her and things would be okay, life would go on. I was breathing, even if it was painful to do right now.

"What did you get?" I said sliding off the bed and pulling one of the throws off with me.

"Orange Chicken, Beef Lo Mien, those Egg rolls you like and sweet and sour pork." She listed off knowing full well that's not what I was referring to.

"Fine," she rolled her eyes, "The first two seasons of Dharma and Greg."

She was bringing out the big guns. I had expected Monty Python, Will and Grace, friends, South Park, even dead like me; but Dharma and Greg meant she was in cheer up mode.

Without complaining, I huddled up on the couch next to her and pulled my throw over me, she started the DVD before heading into the kitchen to make us both plates of food. She brought me a bottle of water with it.

I had to give it to her; she was a great help and a better friend for suffering through this with me. Yet, I still craved the company of my husband, even after all of this mess.

I eventually lay down with my head in her lap drifting in and out of sleep as Alice giggled at the television. Normally, I would be giggling right along side her, and even now, I found myself smiling at some of the antics Jenna Elfman got herself into. German tourists never failed to make me smile.

It just wasn't enough, my heart hurt; it felt constricted and tight in my chest. The pressure and pain made the tears well in my eyes again but I was careful not to let it show.

"You still awake?" Alice whispered, her hand running through the rat's nest I was currently calling hair.

"Mmm."

"Hagen Daaz?"

I smiled, and nodded.

"I got you double chocolate chip," she giggled, gently moving my head from her lap. She disappeared into the kitchen as I tried to force myself into a sitting position. My arm was beginning to throb.

We ate in relative silence, my eyes stayed glued to the TV and I couldn't really taste what I was eating, just the thick cold consistency as it eased down my throat. I was wasted and in pain, and not in the mood to socialize.

"You're ready for another pain pill, aren't you," Alice stated rather than questioned.

I nodded, I couldn't help myself, I needed to take all the pain and doubt away, I needed to take the thoughts away, anything. Was it wrong to want to block out the pain?

Alice cleaned the mess we'd made before holding out her free hand to me, in her other hand she had a bottle of water and pills.

"Come on, time to sleep."

"I'm sorry Alice," I stuttered following her to the stairs, I'm just exhausted.

She gave me a sympathetic smile and led me upstairs, pushing me into the bathroom; I brushed my teeth going through the motions of my usual routine, knowing that it was another step back. I hated this, I hated that I would sleep another night without him beside me, without knowing what he was thinking, if he was planning on leaving. If he even loved me anymore.

"You're gonna get wrinkles, Bella," Alice sighed, dancing in with her toothbrush in hand.

I nodded and shuffled myself into the bedroom.

"The pills and water are on the nightstand."

"Thanks Ali."

She just smiled and finished doing what she needed to do while I perched on the edge of the bed and picked up the water and pills. I threw them down and drank as much as I could before settling into the large bed. Alice turned out the lights and crawled in beside me picking up my hand.

"It'll be okay, Bells."

I hoped she was right, the outlook was still dim and I couldn't shake this feeling of oppression, I had always seen Edward in my future, and I didn't know what to do without him.

I lay in the darkness and waited silently for the pills to kick in. Alice's hand in my own was comforting, just knowing there was someone beside me helped. The darkness finally came, and with it, I hoped it would bring a change.

*****

I was sitting on the edge of a beaten wooden bench, looking out over the water, watching the waves crashing in from the Sound. I had been here before, it was in a park not far from Edward's parent's house, and I was just enjoying the breaking dawn, the sun filtering through the cluster of trees near the water.

I could only hear the sounds of the water, along with the birds that were flying around over the water. It was a surprisingly calm morning as I sat contemplatively relaxing on the bench.

The slight fluttering in my stomach didn't surprise me as much now as it first had and I held a hand up to my abdomen to feel my daughter stir. It was a surreal feeling knowing that there was a child inside of you, but it made me happy to know that I was keeping her safe from the world for the time being.

I didn't feel the bench shift as I was sitting there with my eyes closed, but when another large hand joined mine, I smiled knowing that he could feel her moving now too.

"She's active today, love," he whispered in my ear as he tucked my hair behind my ear and kissed my neck.

We had gone through so much to get here, and it was nice to know that he was still with me as we got closer and closer to the day when our family would be one member larger. Evan was getting impatient with me, he was insistent that he needed someone to play with, even though I couldn't seem to convince the two year old that he wouldn't be able to play with the baby for a while.

He also didn't like the fact that his new cousin was going to be a girl, because his father had already taught him that boys are more fun to play sports with. He was the spitting image of his father, curly hair, mischievous dimples, but his piercing blue eyes still set him apart.

"I love you Bella, only you, always you," he whispered as he brought his other arm around my shoulder and pulled me in close to him.

We sat there for a long time, watching the sun come up, the water calmed down as the day brightened, and it seemed that we would be spared from the oppressive rain for today, at least that is how it appeared. The weather in Washington was anything but predictable, so we could be drenched from head to toe any moment.

As if to summon Mother Nature herself, a crash of thunder pulled me out of my state of relaxation, and Edward helped me to my feet as we headed to where his car was parked along the dirt path that led to the water.

"Let's get my girls home before we get soaked," he mused as the rain began to mist down on us.

He helped me into the car and immediately reached out to grab my hand as we were headed back to the main road that led towards the Cullen house.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back on the headrest as the quiet of the car, and listening to the rain patter down on the roof of the car helped me get back to my relaxed state.

Edward remained quiet as we made our way back, but a sound from somewhere off in the distance captured my attention. A small whimpering noise startled me and I could feel wetness on my hand as my eyes tried to flutter open.

As I opened my eyes, the car around me had seemed to dissolve and I was seated on the side of the bed in the hospital room again. The familiar black cast still very much on my hand and up the lower portion of my forearm.

The round bump of my stomach was gone as I realized that it had all been an illusion. Alice was looking at me expectantly with a sad smile, appraising me.

I shook my head trying to dispel my confusion, and I could see the flash of bronze hair in the doorway again, his back turned to me, his muscles tense as he opened the door and left again, always leaving.

I tried to get up, but I was stuck, I couldn't go after him, and I could hear thunder crackling outside.

The whimpering noise got louder as I closed my eyes and I could feel tears leaking out of the corner of my eyes, but there was still the wetness on my hand.

Everything became fuzzy as the noises of the hospital were drowned out by the rain, I could hear voices, they were familiar, but I couldn't tell what they were saying. Someone was angry, and I recognized the voice, but I was startled when I heard her scream.

"YOUR WIFE? YOUR RESPONSIBILITY?"

Alice was angry again, it was different this time though, we weren't in the hospital anymore, she was farther away.

I tried to force my eyes open, but the room was dark, and the whimpering was still there.

My muscles protested as I pushed myself up and Bailey burrowed into my side, hiding from the thunder. She was licking my hand, and when I reached down to pet the side of her head, she climbed up my stomach and began licking my neck.

The voices downstairs were getting louder as I looked over at the clock and realized that it was just after five in the morning. I must have fallen asleep again after Alice came back last night. I didn't really remember much after she gave me my second pain pill.

"Fuck you Edward, FUCK YOU!" she screamed and I decided that I needed to go downstairs since he was here. I didn't know if I was ready to see him, but I might be able to diffuse Alice before the situation got out of hand.

As I slowly climbed down the staircase, wincing when I tried to run my casted hand down the railing, Edward's pained voice carried up the stairs to me.

"Because it was my fault Alice! I should have known something was going on. I put it down to stress from her new job, I put it down to me working long hours. Everything I had an answer for but this. And believe me Alice. Nothing can make me feel better about what I've done. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself let alone hope that others can forgive me, but this is something that happened to me and Bella. Alice…I'm here and I need my wife."

He thought it was his fault? He needed me? If he needed me so much, then why did he leave? None of this makes sense, why was he doing this?

I managed to make it to the base of the steps and sat down, with my head in my hands as I continued to listen to them yell at each other.

"Alice. Believe me. I've done nothing but blame myself since I saw Bella on that bed calling out to me. That's all I've been doing. I couldn't cope with it and I ran. I know what type of man you think I am Alice. I wish I could say you were wrong, but you aren't. I still need to see Bella. We have to talk."

What did he want to talk to me about? He left; he made it clear he didn't want to be there. I couldn't understand him.

The tears continued to roll down my cheeks as Alice and Edward went at it on the porch. I had never heard her so angry before, she was defending me, and I appreciated it, but I hated the fact that I needed protection from my own husband.

"That's all well and good but the question is does she need to see you? What make you think I'm out here for my own benefit Edward. You think I have her tied up in the half bath so she can't come out here and talk to you? Have you even considered that? Have you even thought that she may never want to see you again; can you even conceive what you did to her? You stand there making me out to be the bad guy, when all I want is my best friend to be happy, to smile again, if you're what makes that happen, so be it, if not, I will stand behind her 100%... For now though you need to leave, or I will call Jacob to remove you."

"I'm not leaving Alice. I've left her once. I'll never do it again."

I was gasping and choking on my tears as his words sunk in, he said he wasn't leaving again. I should have been happy to hear that, but it wasn't that easy. He didn't just leave me physically, he left me emotionally too, torn open, ragged, and devastated lying on that hospital bed. My wrist would heal, but the scars on my heart might not. I couldn't bear to lose my husband again; I had already lost my child.

"If you can't give her a little more time, Edward . . . well, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to have you removed. All she needs is time and if you can't give her that . . . well you can add selfish a couple hundred more times to the list of your infractions . . ." Alice's voice was tired, she was upset too, she was so mad at him, but I could tell that she was heartbroken it had turned out like this.

"I'll give her time if that's what she wants Alice. I'll give her space, I'll wait for as long as she wants me to, but I want to hear it from her. You've done an unbelievable job of looking after her whilst I couldn't, but I'm here. I'm not leaving until she tells me to go."

They were both quiet after that, and I sat there trying to catch my breath as I wiped away my tears. He was willing to leave again if I wanted him too. I didn't know what I wanted, but I knew that I still loved him. He never gave me a chance to explain, wouldn't I be just as bad if I did that to him?

"Please Alice. Just let me see her. Just let me talk to her for a moment then I'll go. But I need to see her."

"I will ask her one last time Edward, if she says no, I'm calling Jacob. I know you love her and I know you know you fucked, but I am here for her alone right now, I know you can appreciate that."

I sat up a little straighter as Alice opened the door and took in my appearance on the step, face all red and sniffling from crying.

"Bella, do you want to see him?" she asked as she knelt down in front of me, looking me in the eye. "I will send him away, I know you need time to deal with this, but I don't want him to upset you again."

I took in a few staggered breaths and said, "I can't Alice, I can't see him like this."

She nodded solemnly and stepped back out the door, not closing it behind her as I started sobbing again. I couldn't help it, I couldn't see him, it hurt too much right now. I felt like my chest was being ripped open.

"I'm sorry Edward, she's just not ready, she'll find you when she wants to talk. I can't give you any more than that."

I couldn't hear what he said to her, but it made her angry and I heard her scream, "Just fuck off and leave her alone Edward! I'm calling Jake... I just can't handle this on my own," before she slammed the door behind her, huffing when she stepped back towards me.

"God I can't believe him, he is such an asshole," she fumed as she marched off towards the living room to get her phone from her purse.

That was when I heard him through the door yelling, sounding like a madman.

"BELLA!"

He repeated my name over and over, pounding on the door, making me cry harder each time I heard his broken voice. Then it all stopped and I could hear him slap his hand against the wood.

"Please," he begged and my heart broke knowing that I was pushing him away like this.

I could hear Alice talking animatedly on the phone in the living room, telling Jake about Edward's irrational behavior and his refusal to leave.

Edward kept begging through the door, just hoping to get to me.

"Please baby. Please. I'm so sorry I left you. Please baby."

I held my hand up against the door and cried as I tried not to give in and go to him. I didn't know if I could forgive him for this. It was too much, too soon, and he could still walk away from me again.

"Please," he whispered again, and I could feel the warmth spread through my arm and I knew that his hand was on the door, inches away from me, I could still feel the pull.

"I'll go Bella. I'll give you what you need."

His broken, low voice made me cry even harder as he walked away again. I knew he would leave, even if it was what I asked, I knew it.

My heart was beating erratically in my chest as I could hear him take slow steps away from the door. The rain way coming down harder and the thunder overhead was loud as the storm continued on.

I felt like I was falling apart the further away from me he got, I was hurting him. I know he hurt me too, but he was trying to come back, trying to make this better.

I couldn't leave him like he had left me. I couldn't just let him walk out of my life again.

Grabbing the doorknob above my head with my good hand, I pulled myself up and rushed out the door. The rain was coming down in sheets soaking through my shirt and shorts as I ran across the front yard in my bare feet. His shoulders were hunched as I got to him, he looked so defeated. I could hear his sobs as I got closer to him and I could tell by the way that he was shaking that he was crying just as hard as I was.

I caught him by the arm, and he tensed up as he felt me, I felt like I had been electrocuted. I missed him so much, he had only been gone for a day or so, but it had been long enough.

"Edward…" I cried as he spun around and pulled me into his chest, crushing me to him and kissing me on the forehead as I could feel our tears mingling with the rain.

I threw my arms around his waist as both of our chests heaved, the sounds of the rain and the lightning drowned out by our sadness.

Edward dropped to his knees into the wet muddy grass and pressed his head tightly against my stomach as he held me up. His arms were wrapped tightly around my thighs.

"Our baby," he sobbed as he held me.

I ran my hand through his hair, and he whimpered when my cast rubbed up against his neck.

"I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry," he gasped out as he held onto me.

The rain started to pour down harder around us when he tried to push himself back up from the grass, both of us soaked from head to toe at this point, his hair was plastered to his head when he stood up and grabbed me by the cheeks.

"I love you Bella, I won't leave again," he said in a husky voice as he leaned down and brought his lips to mine.

He kissed me roughly and passionately as the rain continued to pelt us, the cold autumn air chilling us both.

When his tongue ran along my lower lip, I threw my arms around his neck as he held me tightly around the waist, moving his mouth with mine.

I tried to bring my hands tighter, but I flinched as I twisted my wrist and it began to through my cast, which was probably ruined by now.

He pulled back when I gasped and look up at me with panic in his eyes.

"Oh god, your cast, I'm sorry, I forgot, I didn't mean to hurt you," he said as he pulled my hand down and cradled my disintegrating cast in his hands.

He turned me slightly, scooped me up in his arms and carried me towards the door.

When we got to the door, he reached down and kissed me on the forehead as he turned the knob and pushed it in.

Alice was standing on the other side of the door with her hands on her hips, looking at Edward with distain. She was still mad at him, but I could tell that she was going to let it go for now.

He nodded at her, carried me straight up the steps to the bathroom and set me down on the bench by the sink.

"I'll be back love," he said as he kissed me again lightly and wrapped a towel around my shoulders.

I sat there dumbfounded for a few moments, until he peeked back around the doorway with a sad look on his face.

"Alice?"

"She is going to give us some space, but she told me that you are to call her if you need someone to come kick my ass."

I laughed a little, and he came back over to me pulling the towel up into my hair, and rubbing the moisture out of it.

"Just let me take care of you," he whispered as she slowly helped me take my clothes off and he started running water in the bathtub.

Once the tub was full, he picked me up and slowly lowered me into the water, making sure to prop my wet cast up onto a folded towel on the lip of the tub.

He kissed me on the forehead and began to wash me slowly, obviously not caring about his soaked scrubs that were sticking to him.

"I'll take you back to the hospital this afternoon to get you a new cast," he said as he helped me out of my bath, holding open my robe for me to step into.

He led me back into the bedroom and set me down on the edge of the bed as he escaped into the closet.

When he came back, he was in a t-shirt and shorts, his wet hair sticking up in various directions. He still looked sad, and exhausted, but I really didn't have the energy to talk to him right now, I was just tired and wanted to sleep. I was done crying, I didn't want to feel sad anymore.

"Are you tired love?" he asked as he took a seat beside me on the bed and help my hand.

I nodded and he laid me back against the pillows, tucking the covers in around me.

He stood up off the bed and made his way towards the door, sighing as he opened it.

"Stay," I whimpered as he was about to step out the door.

Edward slowly turned around and made his way back towards me; climbing into the bed behind me and pulling me against his chest.

"I love you," I whispered as I felt my eyelids getting heavier.

"Always," he murmured as he kissed the back of my head.

I knew that when we woke up, that there were things that would have to be dealt with, but until then, I was going to enjoy the escape of sleep.

A/N: Ok….so wow, this chapter was a rollercoaster of emotions, but I hope that you enjoyed where it ended up. Bella and Edward still have a lot of issues to work out, but they are going to do it together.

Don't forget to come play with us on the Twilighted thread, we will probably post some teasers for next weeks' chapters once they are finished.

Also don't forget to submit your entries to the Forbidden Love affair contest, only one week left to get your submissions in before the voting starts!

Thanks to L for filling in the middle of this chapter when my brain turned off and didn't want to finish, until next week kiddos!