Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. It is not being distributed for profit. Stephenie Meyer owns the copyright to the Twilight Saga. No copyright infringement is intended.
Reminder: This story is rated M and may not be appropriate for readers under the age of 18.
Chapter 25
February 2010
BPOV
I was no longer in control of who I was. I was pain, nothing more and nothing less. I crawled on my belly, inching closer to the edge of the gorge, desperately trying to find someplace where I could no longer feel anything, would no longer need anything.
I sobbed again, my body now trembling uncontrollably, my breathing erratic. As I reached forward to dig my fingernails into the soft earth to wrench my way forward, I felt arms around me, hard and cold. The arms wrapped around me and pulled. Pulled me away from the edge, pulled me back along the ground, the gorge falling into the distance as the arms just kept holding me.
"Bella, come back to me. Wake up now, love. I've got you." The voice was a whisper in my mind, feather-light against my consciousness, barely heard over the pounding in my head and the force of my sobs. I reached out to dig my fingers in the dirt, but the texture of the dirt changed beneath my fingers, and I was digging into something soft and smooth while the cold, hard arms wrapped even tighter around my body. I could no longer feel the dampness of the mist.
Cool whispers murmured in my ear as I dared to open my eyes. I was on my bed, in my bedroom. I felt silken bronze hair tickling my face. Edward was holding me with a look on his face of fierce determination — to do what, I didn't know — to banish my nightmare?
Was that only a nightmare?
Was he determined to right our wrongs? I couldn't tell, and in that moment, I didn't care, because I was in his arms. Finally he was here again. And so I did the only thing I was capable of doing. I turned and threw my arms around him, my heart bursting with relief and joy, sorrow and loss, all at the same time. I buried my face into his shoulder and cried in pain, cried for relief of pain, cried for his love, and cried for him to accept love from me.
And as I sobbed, Edward just held onto me, grounding me through his touch, soothing me as he placed kisses on my neck and whispered my name. I started to calm, and my breathing became more measured while his strong hands were running up and down my back, slowly, tenderly, lovingly. I felt the muscles of his back under my hands, and I reveled in the sharp definition as I rubbed his back with the palms of my hands, memorizing him, reintroducing myself to him, feeling the ever-present spark between us as I drew him closer, wanting nothing to separate us.
I took a deep breath, taking in his sun and honey and letting it fill my head, and leaned back a bit so I could touch his face and gaze into his beautiful eyes. And as I watched I saw first a glimmer, and then the glimmer turned into a sparkle, and then his lips turned into a sweet smile as he said, "There you are. You had me worried there for a bit." Before I could answer his eyes dropped to my lips while he tentatively closed the distance between us, and brushed my lips with his own.
"You're here," I said, kissing him back. "You're really here," I repeated, reaching up to run my fingers through his hair. "I missed you so much, Edward," I said, kissing him again. "So much."
"I'm here," he answered, pulling me closer. "I'm not letting you go again."
Fire surged through me as I pulled his head down towards mine. With a growl rising from deep within his chest he crushed his lips to mine, bringing a hand to the back of my head and threading his long fingers into my hair as the other hand slid to my lower back and pressed me against his long frame until we were locked against each other, puzzle pieces snapping together as our bodies both heaved a sigh of relief as we dissolved into each other — marble against yielding softness.
Tears started flowing again, this time in happiness as my heart soared and my soul sighed with pleasure, knowing that, at least for this moment, my love had found its home again. His lips left my mouth and trailed across my jaw to my ear, to my neck, mumbling my name and his love as his fingers twined in my hair and his hand at my back stroked me, inflamed me, sliding up and then down — drawing down the curves of my body and back again. Sighing into my neck, into my ear, and then back to my lips, he kissed me again and again, his lips searing into me, branding me, owning me, as he took me as his.
He tore himself away and looked at me. I was overwhelmed by the love, the yearning, and the raw lust I saw in his eyes. He ran his fingers gently along the bottom of my t-shirt and then grabbed it and slowly pulled it up, over my head as I raised my arms and closed my eyes, feeling the cool air hit my body and my nipples harden with the sensation of both cold air and sheer anticipation.
I felt his purr before I heard it, his hands sliding up my sides and circling around to cup my breasts. His smooth fingers were gentle as they caressed my skin, sending burning flashes through me, causing my breath to come in gasps as he slid his hands to my back and lowered his head, pulling me forward while taking me in his mouth — suckling gently while his tongue circled and flicked and his hands stroked my back and pulled me even closer to him. My back arched as he pulled me off the bed, held in the air as his lips and tongue sucked and tasted and he purred and moaned. I was trembling, I was burning, I was being consumed by him, in him, for him. He trailed kisses down my stomach while gently laying me back on the bed — hooking his fingers into the waistband of my panties he gently peeled them down my legs, his nostrils flaring and his purrs slowly turning into growls.
I could feel his fear as he moved to the edge of the bed and stood, gazing up and down my body, his chest heaving as he started to unbutton his shirt, his eyes never leaving me. But the fierce determination returned as he shed the fear and, instead, chose to trust himself, to trust me, to trust us.
"Oh love, you are exquisite," he whispered. I felt a jolt go through my body, my soul as I remembered those words, those exact words spoken in a different time by someone else. But before I had time to process that thought, Edward's shirt slid off and I was mesmerized by the cold marble beauty of his chest, his arms, his strong shoulders. I let my eyes drift down, following his fingers as he unbuttoned his jeans, following his hand as he slowly lowered the zipper — pushing down his jeans and boxers — as I gazed unabashedly at the evidence of his arousal, and of his need.
My eyes flitted back to his face and I caught my breath when I saw the love and lust and yearning. His eyes bored into me as he took a deep breath.
"Mine?" he asked, a flicker of doubt and sorrow passed across his face. But I couldn't bear to see anything mar the magnificence of this man, not his body nor his soul nor his mind. I reached my arms out to him, pouring all the love in my being into my simple words . . .
"Yours. As you are mine."
And with a growl he closed the distance between us, and for the first time I answered with my own growl as I grabbed him and with all my strength crushed him to me as he gently parted my legs and slid in slowly, deeply, completely. I grabbed his shoulders tighter and lifted my hips, bringing him in further while murmuring into his shoulder . . .
"We belong to each other. We always have."
* * *
"Edward," I whispered, my throat still a little raspy from earlier, "will you tell me something?" We were bundled under the thick comforter, our bodies entwined and our hands soothing and caressing.
"Anything," he replied. "I can tell you how much I love you . . ." he kissed the tip of my nose. "How much I love this . . . little . . . mole . . . right . . . back . . . here," he dug his head under my hair and kissed the back of my neck. "How much your every wish is my command . . ." he brought my hand to his mouth and kissed it.
"Mmm," I was still luxuriating in his touch. "Those are all good things. Very, very good things," I smiled lazily at him. But then I got serious again. We needed to talk, and I didn't want to put it off any longer, no matter how blissful the last few hours had been. I needed to know why he had come back, why now. And I needed to know if he was going to leave me again.
I didn't beat around the bush. "Why are you here holding me in your arms again after a month of barely a touch between us?" I ran my hand across his chest and leaned down to place a small kiss there. "Don't get me wrong, there's nowhere I'd rather you be, but . . . what brought this on?"
He searched my eyes, looking for his own answers but I had none to give. Then he lowered his eyes and glanced to the far corner of my bedroom, as if he was searching for something else. He turned back to me and pulled me to his chest, kissing my neck and laying his head on my shoulder. He sighed deeply.
"I was at home and . . ." he pulled me tighter to him, "I felt your pain." I pulled back, confused and unsure if I heard him correctly. He stared into my eyes, and in that moment I realized how ancient they looked, how for the first time I could see his age, his long and lonely years reflected in the pain I saw in them now. It was pain that seemed as limitless as my own.
"How?" I breathed more than spoke that single word, lost in his gaze, wanting to see the torture disappear from his gorgeous eyes, feeling his agony along with my own. Our emotions hummed back and forth between us, building and calming, soothing and comforting. I reached a hand to his face and brushed his lips. He grabbed my hand and kissed each fingertip, then sighed again and drew me closer, putting his head back on my shoulder and stroked my hair.
"Something came to my room tonight, and in all my years I've never seen anything like it . . ." He kept stroking my hair while his voice seemed far away, lost in thought.
"It was without a distinct shape, more like a void in the air, but the power emanating from it was enormous." He pulled back a bit and looked at me, remorse filling his face as he moved his hand to my cheek, smoothing away the traces of my tears. "It told me you needed me, and then . . . it let me feel why you needed me." His beautiful face twisted in agony for a moment, then he reached over and pulled me to him again. His chest shook with a sob.
I couldn't believe what he was telling me. That thing was real?
"Edward, I've seen it, too," I whispered, dazed by his revelation, "or something a whole lot like it. It was years ago, but it was just as you described." He pulled back and his expression changed to shock.
"When?"
I knew I had to edit, I couldn't tell him about the dreams; I couldn't tell him about my dream lover. I couldn't tell him about the time I had been so driven to despair I almost . . . well . . . I was immensely thankful he couldn't read my mind.
"I was at Cornell, and I was depressed. I was searching for something I never thought I'd find." I broke eye contact and gazed over his shoulder, hoping he wouldn't realize it was only part of the truth. "I was told . . . I was told to wait, it would come to me." I thought back to those words from years ago, and what it really said — "talk to him."
But it meant my dream lover, or did it? I looked back at Edward, my eyes searching his. It couldn't have meant Edward, could it? Was it possible the hallucination, supernatural force — whatever it was — came to me years ago with instructions that were to be followed now, in this time and place?
I felt as if a bubble had burst inside me, as if a membrane holding the years of just one symptom of my madness suddenly tore at the seam and washed me with relief. With a jolt I considered that, if Edward saw it too, maybe it wasn't a hallucination, and maybe I was okay after all.
Then I remembered I was lying in my bed, with a vampire, discussing a powerful entity that had shown itself to both of us, influenced both of us — and I was actually worrying about madness?
For the first time in what felt like forever, I genuinely wanted to laugh. I gazed at him, my Edward, and tried to show with my eyes what I couldn't bring myself to say right at this moment. I needed him to see my love.
And in his eyes I saw love reflected back at me — that hint of sparkle in his eyes as his mouth transformed into his breathtaking smile. He reached over and brought my face to his.
"I love you Bella," he murmured against my mouth. "I would give anything to take back the pain I caused you. I will spend the rest of my life, my existence, trying to make up for it." He kissed me softly, repeatedly, then brought his face to my neck and breathed deeply, running his fingers through my hair, soothing both of us with his touch.
"Shhh," I said. "I know." I drew back a bit, stroked his cheek, and sat up. My back resting against the headboard, I took his hand in mine. I wanted to talk more and needed the contact while we spoke.
"What do you think it is?" I asked. He knew what I meant. Sitting up next to me so that our shoulders were touching, he gazed into the corner again.
"It was here too, in that corner, when I got here last night," he said. He stared at the walls, as if they might provide an answer. "I don't know what it is, and I'm not sure what it wants with us, but thus far it doesn't appear to want to harm us."
"But it does seem to want to influence us, doesn't it?" I replied in more of a statement than a question. I thought back to that day at the gorge, and what it did to Edward tonight. An idea started to form, but it seemed so . . . improbable. Still, I ventured my theory.
"Do you get the sense it might be pushing us towards each other, almost as if it's protecting us, what we are to each other?" I looked over at Edward, wondering how he'd react to my words. He looked lost in thought, trying as I was to make sense of something that was a total mystery to us yet had the ability to impact us so thoroughly.
"I don't know Bella. It certainly wanted me to come to you tonight, no question."
Suddenly I wondered if we were better off just accepting it and leaving well enough alone. And at that thought, I felt overwhelmingly that we should do exactly that — just leave it be. And suddenly an anxiety started to build within me, as if something was compelling me to change the subject. I tried to focus my thoughts but they kept scattering, just out of reach. Shaking my head, I gave up and moved on.
I took a deep breath, knowing there was one topic that we still needed to discuss — because the elephant was still sitting in the room, and it was time. I tried to soften what might be painful by prefacing it with a smile.
"And are you now convinced you won't hurt me, that both of us working together can control your strength and instincts?" I squeezed his hand and leaned over to snuggle against his chest.
"Bella, I swear, I will never, ever allow myself to put you in jeopardy, especially not due to my thirst. I may still be a monster, but I will never lose control of my bloodlust with you again. Not after tonight." For the briefest moment I heard the return of self-loathing in his voice. "What happened before was my fault. But having you absent from my arms for the past month, and feeling your pain tonight . . ." he winced at the recollection, "I will never put either of us through that again. Ever. I promise there will never be a repeat." He gently held my head against his chest, massaging his fingers into my scalp, calming us both.
"And do you understand what you did that hurt the most?" I kept my head on his chest — it might be easier to say this if I couldn't see his face. When he hesitated I knew I had to just rip off the bandage as quickly as possible.
"You made the decision for both of us; you didn't allow me to be a part of it." I glanced up for a moment, to make sure he understood me. "You pulled a Casablanca on me Edward, and you abandoned me even though you were here every day." He groaned and pulled me closer.
"I know," he said simply, and in those two words I heard a month's worth of anguish. "Can you forgive me?"
"Yes," I whispered.
"Thank you," he whispered back to me and kissed the top of my head.
"Don't do it again. I don't think I'd survive it if you did it again."
"I know." He rested his head on top of mine and absently rubbed my back.
This was the last I would say about it, the last we would discuss it. I would not hold it against him, I would not make him pay for it every day. I squeezed him tighter, hoping he knew that his actions from now on were the only reassurance I needed.
We stayed like that for a very long time, wrapped in each other's arms and in our own thoughts. But there was one more thing I wanted to discuss with him, and this was the right time to do it.
"Edward, how do you define a monster?" I let my hand trace patterns over his chest. "I thought monsters were myths, and you're certainly no myth." I gave him a playful poke, then continued stroking him softly, keeping him calm and hopefully, keeping him listening.
"But I am a monster, Bella."
"Not to me. You never will be to me." I touched his cheek. "You know what I think you are?" Rolling my eyes, I added, "I mean besides the perfect, wonderful, too-good-to-be-true love of my life, of course." He rolled his own eyes and I chuckled. "But seriously, Edward, I think you're a higher species."
His body froze — I had his attention.
I sat up and grabbed both his hands, looking him straight in the eye. "I think you're just a part of evolution. Just because you do what you need to do to survive, it doesn't make you a monster. How each of us handles our basest instincts is what defines who we are. And you are, in my view, the finest person I have ever known."
Edward brought his eyes to mine and smiled. "What did Carlisle say to you in the emergency room that night?"
"What?" I didn't understand what he meant. "Nothing. What does Carlisle have to do with this?"
"You just sound like Carlisle, that's all. He believes the same thing. He's even studied our chromosomes. Vampires have 25 pairs, as opposed to a human's 23."
"You're saying I'm right?"
"Yes. Or Carlisle would say so, definitely."
"But do you believe it?"
"Yes," he said softly, "Maybe I do."
"Will you make a deal with me then?"
"What kind of deal?"
"Please, Edward, don't ever refer to yourself as a monster in front of me again."
Suddenly two strong hands grabbed me and lifted me so we were eye level. His eyes were full of wonder as he stared at me, then crushed me to his chest. He held me under his chin and quietly said, "Deal." And then, for the first time since we met, I felt him completely relax as if he had just been relieved of a very deeply rooted source of tension. He felt softer, more human.
"I love you Edward. You never have been, and you never will be, a monster." I snuggled in closer. "You are, however, everything I have ever wanted."
A/N: Songs for Chapter 25
(Edited to add) We just got a message from HMonster4. Perchance to Dream made it to the final round in the Indie TwiFic Awards in the category Best Collaboration! Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who voted for us in the first round!! We are so psyched to be nominated! We would really, really appreciate your help again in the final voting, which is scheduled for July 22 - July 26, 2009.
78. Come Here, by Marble Sounds. For Edward at the beginning of the chapter, who wants to hold Bella in his arms.
79. Duet, by Rachael Yamagata and Ray LaMontagne. For Bella and Edward coming back together after the incident, and for the lyric, ""I remember what we said as we lay down to bed; I'll be here if you will only come back home."
80. Thumbing My Way, by Pearl Jam. For Edward, who is trying to make things right, and is "thumbing his way back to heaven."
81. Citywide Rodeo, by the Weepies. For Bella telling Edward he's not a monster, and for the lyric, "I know that you think you're not good for anything."
Listen to the songs by visiting my profile or going directly to
www . playlist . com/playlist/16715134219
Huge thanks as ever to my co-author FantasyMother. Please drop by our thread on the Twilighted forum in the Alternate Universe section. www[dot]twilighted[dot]net/forum
We will be back Monday with new chapters. Have a good weekend.