Time flies.
Where we left off:
Brittany S. Pierce and Caitlin Warner have decided, along with Coach Sue's help, that they are neither going to confirm or deny their suspected relationship. Instead, they are going to let people speculate about the blurry picture of them kissing until the people from Cheer Magazine have completed their September feature on the Cheerios.
Caitlin Warner likes Brittany Pierce a lot but wants her to be happy. She wants her to talk to Santana.
Quinn Fabray will always be friends with Brittany Pierce - no matter whom she dates.
Brittany and Santana talked - nothing good happened.
Santana recruited Jacob Ben Israel to dig up some answers.
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It was the middle of September. Although the air was getting cooler, the sun still blazed hot enough to burn. Brittany S. Pierce had gotten sunburn, again.
"Well we can't cover it with makeup…it'll get all over your uniform."
Brittany frowned and looked at herself in the mirror. She looked at the reflection behind her. Caitlin was studying her red shoulders and had a bottle of aloe open in her hand.
"You're just gonna have to go out there like this."
"Covered in aloe and bright as a lobster? They mate for life you know." Brittany added.
Caitlin smirked. "Cute. And yes."
"Dang," Brittany said. "Well, go for it then."
Caitlin nodded and squirted some cool green aloe onto her fingertips. She gingerly rubbed it into Brittany's shoulders. The rest of the Cheerios were flurrying around in the locker room behind them. "I told you…we shouldn't have had the picnic yesterday. Or at least, you should have worn more sunscreen."
"More sunscreen?" Brittany asked incredulously. "I think i already had it in layer ten inches thick."
"Yea," Caitlin mused, "You've probably cleaned the entire town of Lima out of their sunscreen supply."
Brittany didn't get to voice her retort as she and Caitlin were interrupted by Quinn.
"They're here!" Quinn squealed. She jumped up and down and turned Brittany around. "Guys, this is so exciting!"
Caitlin looked at her girlfriend, who was sporting a small smile.
"I've got lobster shoulders."
Quinn furrowed her brow for a moment before realizing what Brittany meant. "It's okay, Britt. No one will notice. They can airbrush that stuff out in editing."
Caitlin closed the bottle of aloe. "They're going to have to airbrush a lot out when they get to you." She told Quinn.
Quinn scoffed and Brittany groaned. For the past week, ever since learning that Caitlin and Brittany were dating, Quinn and Caitlin had been unusually talkative. Brittany had realized their weird budding friendship resulted in a lot of insults.
"Not any more than they used on your school photo last year, Warner." Quinn chirped back.
Brittany groaned again.
"Weak, Fabray." Caitlin smirked
Quinn rolled her eyes. "C'mon. Let's just get out on the field. I want to start warming up!"
Both Caitlin and Brittany groaned.
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Cheer Magazine was the real deal. They had sent a team of ten people to shoot the September feature on the Cheerios. Being the reigning National Champions was nothing short of being celebrities in the cheer world.
"You forget, I've done this twice before this," Caitlin told Brittany as the team took a break for water.
"But it's still so cool, right?" Brittany wondered. They Cheer Magazine people had been photographing their morning practice for at least an hour. Brittany wondered if this is what the animals in National Geographic magazine felt like.
Caitlin shrugged. She saw one of the four photographers watching Brittany out of the corner of her eye. "I don't know…this time is weird. Like, we know they've seen the photo and heard the gossip. Now I just feel like they're all watching us and waiting for something to happen."
Brittany frowned. "Who? The Cheer Magazine people or the Cheerios?"
"Exactly." Caitlin said.
Brittany's frown deepened. "Well…it's only today and tomorrow…how bad could it be?"
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It was bad. Brittany hadn't realized that, when Cheer Magazine did a feature, they really did a feature. That meant that Brittany was one of the four lucky people to have a photographer glued to her side for the entire school day. The other three were Caitlin, Coach Sue, and the now-Senior Cheerio who had just been accepted to Harvard. Brittany was told that they would interview the entire team tomorrow but today was for 'day-in'the-life' pictures. Brittany flicked a piece of eraser off of her desk.
*Snap*
She tried not to scowl in the direction of her assigned photographer. "He's been taking pictures of me doing weird shit all day," Brittany moaned to Quinn.
Quinn was surprised by the profanity. "It's okay, Britt. Just pretend like he's not there." Quinn passed her a piece of chocolate. Her favorite.
*Snap*
Brittany groaned and wondered how many ways the photographer could make the candy exchange look like a drug deal. Probably many, she assumed. Towards the end of the English lesson, she felt her eyes start to droop. This day felt like it had already lasted ten years and she still had Geometry and then afternoon practice to go to.
*Snap*
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"Gross it's you."
Brittany looked up at Caitlin from where she was tying her shoes. "Gross," She replied. "It's you."
Caitlin snorted and held out a hand for Brittany. "Only two hours of practice, then we can all go home."
"I swear if I hear another camera shutter snap in my face I will—"
"I know!" Caitlin agreed. "I think my photographer caught me inhaling my ham sandwich at lunch. Then I stopped eating."
Brittany laughed. "I have a granola bar in my gym bag if you're hungry." She nudged Caitlin with her elbow as the two exited the locker room and made their way onto the field.
"Nah, I'm good. I drank an extra protein shake."
"Ew," Brittany said. As the pair made their way closer to the field, Brittany caught a flash of red and white in her peripheral vision. Underneath the bleachers. "Hang on. Go set up…I'll be right there."
"You okay?" Caitlin asked when she saw where Brittany was looking.
"I think…Santana."
"Go," Caitlin encouraged. "I'll set up."
"Thanks," Brittany mumbled absentmindedly as she walked toward the back of the bleachers. She knew it was Santana. She just knew. What Brittany didn't know, and wasn't bothering to dwell on at the moment was why the hell she cared. "Santana?" She asked once she rounded the back.
"Oh," Santana said. She turned her back to Brittany.
Brittany didn't know what else to do. Now that she was there it all started to feel like a bad idea. "We…we have practice in twenty minutes."
"Yep." Santana said.
"Okay," Brittany said, still standing there. She felt like an idiot. "What…what are you doing?"
"Stan-ding."
"Standing?" Brittany repeated. She studied Santana's back. The crisp Cheerios uniform. The perfect curl of Santana's high pony. Her dark skin, even darker in shade of the bleachers.
"Yep."
"Okay," Brittany said again. But, still, she stayed. Ten feet away was so far.
"You - can go."
Brittany initially raised her eyebrow at Santana's words but then noticed her tone. It was not sharp. It was not a dismissal. Brittany noticed the shallow dip of her body with each breath. Not normal. "Santana." Brittany strode forward until her could press the fingertips of her right hand to Santana's right shoulder.
"s'okay." Santana said again.
Now closer, Brittany could hear Santana's breaths - coming quick and shallow. She finally noticed the other girl's hands bunched up near her chest. Brittany didn't try to spin Santana around. Instead, she moved quickly so that she was now in front of the other girl. Besides a panicked face, Santana looked normal. "Santana?"
"Go," Santana repeated. Her eyes were downcast. "Go." She said again.
"What's going on?" Brittany asked. She moved her hands up and around to grasp Santana's wrists lightly. She tried to pull them gently away from where Santana was holding them beneath her chin.
"None." Santana said.
"Can you breathe?" Brittany asked, now entirely alarmed. They way Santana's words were cut and blank and empty…it made Brittany's skin shiver. "Can you breathe?" She repeated when Santana's eyes squeezed shut.
"Ye-a." Santana said, her mouth partly opened, quiet gasps coming through. She felt herself go red in the cheeks.
"Sit," Brittany commanded. She all but tugged Santana to the ground. She forgot to worry about dirt getting on their uniforms. She didn't care.
Santana didn't have much fight left. She sat easily. "It's - okay."
"It's not okay," Brittany said. "What's happening?" She leaned forward on her own knees and placed her hands on Santana's shoulders. "Please, keep breathing. Try to stay calm."
"Calm. Go. S'okay." Santana said. She opened her eyes and tried to use them to beg Brittany to leave.
"I'm going to get Coach," Brittany said. Santana's hand shot out and grabbed Brittany's, hard. Brittany felt Santana's nails dig into her skin.
"No."
"No?" Brittany asked. What the hell was going on? She frantically looked around for someone else. Anyone else. Someone who would know what to do. She immediately thought of Caitlin. "Please, let me go get Caitlin."
Santana clamped her eyes shut again. "Pills-"
"You took pills Santana?" Brittany all but yelled. "Why would you do that?!"
"Bury," Santana said. She tried to open her eyes to give Brittany a glare.
"What?" Brittany asked. Santana's grip on her wrist became tighter.
"Pills," Santana breathed. "Bury."
Brittany tried to wrap her mind around everything that Santana could mean. Were there pills that she needed? Pills that she had buried? Why would Santana take pills? Why would Santana bury pills? "San," Brittany said. "Please, I don't know what you mean."
Santana took another shallow breath and looked at Brittany the best she could. "Emma."
Brittany could feel the ache of her wrist in Santana's grip. "Emma?"
Santana nodded.
It clicked. Emma Pillsbury. "Okay," Brittany said. "C'mon, let's go." She felt Santana's grip slacken a bit as she pulled Santana to her feet. She held onto Santana's waist as they walked out from under the bleachers and back towards the school. Brittany was thankful that the bleachers shielded them as they walked away. She knew that Santana would never want any of the Cheerios to see her like this. It was a short walk, seeing as Santana was not incapable of walking. Brittany still held onto her and rushed her along the best she could until they reached the hallway that contained Emma Pillsbury's office. Brittany herself hadn't seen the guidance counselor since she had been there with nurse Holly Holiday. "Are you sure you don't need nurse Holiday instead?"
"No." Santana breathed. Her own arms were still holding onto her neck. She wished to be anywhere but here. With anyone but Brittany.
Brittany now spared a second to be thankful for the school's empty hallways. They made it the final few feet and Brittany didn't bother knocking. "Miss Pillsbury," She said, twisting the knob and opening the door. She was surprised to find the Spanish teacher there.
"Oh," Hi Brittany, Will Shuester said. "Santana?"
"Oh!" Emma Pillsbury said from where she was cleaning her desk with Clorox wipes. "Will, I will talk to you tomorrow. Okay?"
"Okay," Will said. He eyed Brittany and Santana once, gave them a smile, and left.
"Santana," Emma said. She grasped Santana's forearm.
Brittany felt Santana move toward the guidance counselor and she released her hold.
"Again?" Emma asked as she sat Santana down in the chair opposite her desk.
Santana nodded.
"Okay," Emma said. She kneeled down in front of Santana. "Remember what we practiced?"
Santana nodded again, her breath still harsh in her chest.
"How long?" Emma asked Brittany, who was still standing in the doorway.
Brittany shut the office door behind her. "Uh…I found her like this about seven minutes ago…I think. It took us a few minutes to walk here."
"A long one this time, huh?" Emma asked, directing her question back to Santana.
All Santana could do was nod.
"What's happening?" Brittany asked. She felt so confused that her eyes were watering. What was going on?
"It's okay, Santana," Emma said. "Remember to count, okay? In for five, our for three. Keep going. All good things, right?"
"Good," Santana said.
Brittany barely heard it.
"All good things." Emma repeated and attempted to breath with Santana - to try and even her out.
"All good." Santana said.
Brittany sank back against the door and waited. It was all she felt she could do. While she stood and watched helplessly, she felt a vibration in her chest and reached into her uniform top to pull out her phone. It was Caitlin asking where she was. She sent a quick text back telling Caitlin that Santana had gotten sick and to tell Coach they were with Emma. Caitlin quickly texted her back that Coach was starting practice without them and that the photographers could finish their team photographs at tomorrow morning's practice. Brittany almost asked Caitlin whether Sue was angry. She found she didn't really care much about the answer and would worry about that later. "Is Santana going to be okay?"
Emma finally realized she hadn't answered Brittany earlier. "Oh, sorry, Brittany. Yes, she will be okay."
"Feeling better," Santana breathed. Her hands were still clutching the arms of the chair.
Brittany could only really see a portion of the side of Santana's face.
"Third one this week, sweetie?" Emma asked, again focused on Santana. "I told you to call me."
Brittany heard Santana's whispered response.
"Didn't…want to…"
Emma frowned. "We'll have to work on that."
Brittany shivered. "Panic attacks?" She asked.
"Yes," Emma said. She looked back at Santana. "Santana, I've got to call your coach to let her know, okay?"
Santana nodded.
Brittany stayed silent.
Before Emma could even move, there was a huge thud against Brittany's back.
Sue Sylvester had barged in and had almost knocked Brittany clear off her feet.
"Ow," Brittany moaned. The door had clipped her elbow.
"What is the meaning of this?!" Sue demanded.
Brittany saw Santana become worried.
Emma must have seen also because she quickly rushed Coach Sue out of her office and shut the door behind them.
Both Brittany and Santana heard them 'speaking' outside. It was more like Miss Pillsbury was speaking and Coach Sue was yelling.
Brittany decided to ignore it. She walked from the door to Miss Pillsbury's desk so that she was in front of Santana. "Are you okay?"
"Yea," Santana said. She avoided Brittany's eyes.
"Can I…"
Santana looked at Brittany, feeling like she had to. Could Brittany what?
"You scared me." Brittany said softly. She poked at the gleaming wood surface of Emma's desk.
"Me too," Santana finally said.
"When did you start getting panic attacks?" Brittany asked.
"Summer," was all Santana said. Her eyes were focused back on the floor.
"And Coach doesn't know?"
"No one did," Santana said tersely. Now her breaths were almost completely even. She made an attempt to stand up quickly. Her face was burning. She didn't want Brittany to be right in front of her like this.
Brittany reached out to stabilize Santana, who seemed shaken.
"You can't tell anyone," Santana said, moving her hands to push Brittany's own away.
"Okay," Brittany said.
"Okay?" Santana asked.
"Yea," Brittany said. "I won't tell anyone. But now Coach Sue knows."
Santana huffed. She had meant to move away from Brittany. Instead, now she was just standing dumbly in front of the blonde.
"You really fucking scared me."
Santana's eyes shot up at Brittany's choice of words. Even though her throat was impossibly dry and her lungs felt like they had just been kicked around, Santana was still distracted by the blue of Brittany's eyes. The wetness there.
"I'm…sorry?"
Brittany's face crumpled.
Santana was more than alarmed. Brittany was sobbing. They weren't quiet, tears—she was hysterically crying. It had come out of nowhere. "Britt—" Santana said. She moved quickly to stop Brittany's fingers from crushing her eyes like they were now.
Brittany was furiously trying to press her tears back into her eyes. This couldn't happen…not now. Why had her body chosen this exact moment to break down?
"Brittany," Santana repeated. She tugged further on Brittany's wrists.
The blonde didn't hesitate. Eyes still blurred with tears, she launched herself at Santana who, still in a daze herself, held her tightly. "I miss you. I miss you. Please, don't do that again."
Santana couldn't figure our which of Brittany's pleas to focus on. She of course couldn't promise that she wouldn't have another panic attack. If that were possible it would have made the past few weeks a whole lot easier. "Shhh," She hushed. "It's okay."
"People keep saying that," Brittany said, still sobbing. "But it's not. It feels like it never will be. The world is fucked up, San. It messed us up. We messed everything up and I love you so much that I can't breath and you really can't breathe and now we don't even talk and all I ever want to do is touch you."
Santana's inhale was sharp and hurt her struggling lungs more than she wanted. Brittany's words were pressed into her neck, wet with tears. Hot with Brittany's breath. "I love you, too. I miss you more."
"You can't," Brittany said through clenched teeth. "You're not allowed to miss me more."
Santana smiled and pressed herself closer to Brittany S. Pierce who felt like an oven. She burned Santana where their bare skin pressed together. "I do though."
"No." Brittany said. She finally pulled back after letting a few more messy tears sink into the collar of Santana's uniform. She saw Santana's glassy, tired eyes. She saw pinking cheeks and a knowing gaze. She couldn't help herself. She stared.
Santana kissed Brittany. Once, then twice. "I do, though," she repeated.
Brittany smiled as her chin trembled. "Okay," She said. She kissed Santana's nose.
"I love you," Santana said slowly. It felt like the words themselves had been dragged out of her gut. When they left her, she felt deflated.
"I know," Brittany said. She met Santana's lips again and they kissed harder. Brittany's fingers gingerly rested on Santana's jaw, guiding her back. Always back.
"We can't keep doing this," Santana said finally. Coach Sue's voice was still loud outside Miss Pillsbury's office but Santana didn't care to listen. She felt Brittany's nose brush her own.
"Kissing?" Brittany asked. "I know."
"No," Santana replied. "We can't keep avoiding each other. I can't do this without you."
"Do what?" Brittany asked, truly curious.
"I don't know…" Santana said. "Live."
Brittany almost wanted to frown at how dramatic that sounded. But she couldn't. Because it made perfect sense. "We keep coming back here."
Santana nodded. She understood. This seemed to be a terrible endless circle. "I'll break up with Puck," She offered in a gust of panic.
Brittany's lips curled into a smile and she kissed Santana's nose once more. "Don't do anything for me. Okay?"
"What?" Santana asked. Hadn't that been what Brittany had wanted all along? For her to break up with Puck? She pulled Brittany's hips closer.
"Don't do anything for me, Santana." Brittany said again. "If you're going to do something, do it for you. Because you want to. Be happy. For you."
Santana felt her own walls breaking down now. Why did this all have to be so confusing? "I don't love him."
Brittany nodded and wrapped Santana tightly in her arms. "I know you don't."
"I don't know what's happening." Santana said.
"I think you do." Brittany said. Or, so she hoped.
"I don't," Santana said. "I feel like I'm in a fog all the time. All the time." She didn't mention how Brittany was the one thing that felt so clear—so bright.
"I'm here."
"Are you?" Santana asked. Brittany hadn't felt there in such a long time. "What's happening to me?"
Brittany stayed quiet. "I don't want to hurt you."
"Then don't." Santana pleaded.
"We hurt each other," Brittany added. "We hurt ourselves."
"How do we stop?"
"I'm not sure," Brittany said sadly.
"We can work on it?" Santana asked.
Brittany nodded. She wanted nothing more in her entire life. "We can try our best."
"I'm scared."
"Me too."