Yadda yadda, not mineroonio.
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Uzumaki-Namikaze Naruto was having a pretty shit week.
It all started when a certain white-haired toad sage showed up at his house, telling him that he had been assigned to a mission with him as his captain. They were to seek out Tsunade of the Sannin, and get her to heal Hiruzen.
He did not want to have to spend any time with Jiraiya, but helping save the old man was paramount, so he put his feelings aside and went on with it.
1 Week later and Naruto was about to strangle Jiraiya. The man would occasionally leave Naruto to his own devices, telling them to hold position while he went to 'collect information', only to show up smelling of booze and cheap perfume, lipstick marks covering him.
Still, Naruto endured. He didn't want his mission record tarnished, and he didn't trust Jiraiya not to be vindictive enough to claim insubordination were he to try and do something actually productive.
Another night and Naruto was considering whether or not to strangle Jiraiya in his sleep. The man had left off when a woman in a tight, black dress flirted lightly with him, leaving Naruto alone in his hotel room.
Naruto felt three strong chakra signatures, two of them together, one bijuu level and one the average S-rank, while the third one was a bit away, sporting only high A-rank chakra, though it was well supressed. This signature also seemed to be coming out of a wall somewhere in the corridor, while Naruto didn't know exactly where.
A knock on the door, by the signature next to the bijuu-level one, had Naruto, in a pair of black and white boxer shorts and a tank top, making his way to the door and opening it.
"Oh, isn't this a surprise? Hoshigaki Kisame and Uchiha Itachi knocking on my door in the middle of the night."
Kisame grinned, his sharp, shark-like teeth giving it a naturally vicious and bloodthirsty look, even as Itachi spoke in his cold, mostly apathetic tone.
"Uzumaki Naruto-kun, you seem to know of us, so you know what we are capable of. I'd like to avoid conflict, so I'd enjoy it if you came with us with no ruckus."
Naruto waved his right hand nonchallantly at that, shrugging that off as a minor matter.
"Nonsense, Itachi-san. We've met for the first time in a while, so I'm not letting you and your companion leave without a cup of tea and some time to catch up. Afterwards we can deal with the unpleasantness."
Kisame looked at Itachi, expecting him to make a decision. Seeing the black-haired man nod his head lightly, Kisame shrugged. Naruto fully opened the door, letting them in before poking his head out into the corridor and calling out.
"Oii, wall-plant-person, you're also invited for tea. It'd be impolite for me to leave you out, now wouldn't it?"
Zetsu stiffened from his place within the wall, not expecting anyone to be capable of sensing him, before he had an internal debate. Deciding to try and pry more information out of the blond before Itachi and Kisame invariably took him, Zetsu slowly emerged from the wall and into aNaruto's view, who blinked owlishly.
"Ah, Zetsu the cannibal."
The Half-black, half-white plant-man walked into Naruto's room, taking a seat next to Itachi and Kisame, surprising both with his presence while Naruto made his way to the kitchenette area of the room, whipping up a pot of green tea.
Placing ceramic mugs in front of the seats of each Akatsuki member, he poured the tea before pouring in the mug for himself.
Itachi and Zetsu eyed him suspiciously and expectantly, until he took a sip of his own tea and let out a sigh of satisfaction at that, showing the criminal shinobi that the tea wasn't poisoned, which meant that they, in turn, drank some tea of their own.
Kisame was the one to break the comfortable silence.
"So, kid... You and Itachi know eachother for long?"
Naruto raised an eyebrow before asking in an airy tone.
"Why, are you jealous? Afraid for your special relationship?"
Kisame got mad at that, but before he could take hold of his Samehada to swing, Itachi spoke up.
"Naruto, you know that that won't work."
At Zetsu and Kisame's questioning looks, Itachi spoke up.
"He makes it a game to try and find the best way to make me lose my composure."
"Hey, I did it before, I can do it again! And this time, I won't need the honeycomb, the rubber chicken and the-"
"Naruto, I'm sure you have questions to ask us."
Naruto smirked at that.
"Trying to change the subject, Itachi? Not very sporting of you, but I'll allow it this once. But no, I don't really have any questions."
The three people in cloaks blinked owlishly at that, before Kisame starting speaking in an incredulous tone.
"Really? No questions at all? Why you're being targeted, what we want from you, what's with the cloaks, nothing?"
Naruto shrugged at that, taking another sip of his steaming tea before answering.
"About the cloaks, I know that there's a mercenary group called the Akatsuki that do dirty work for whomever pays them well enough. As to why I'm being targeted, and what you want from me... Does it really matter? When a mercenary organization composed of S-rank missing nin want something from you, then you can usually presume it not to be anything good. So no, I don't really have any questions."
White Zetsu had to speak up at that.
"Wow, you're really taking this 'hunted by S-ranks' deal better than most others would. Aren't you even a bit afraid?"
Naruto shrugged at that.
"Not really. After all, you already took the poison I planned for you to."
Kisame's eyes widened at that.
"But you drank the tea as well!"
Itachi was next.
"The teacups. The poison was in the teacups."
Naruto crossed his arms at that, nodding sagely.
"Indeed, the poison was in the teacups... Or would have been had I intended to poison you. None of you even bothered checking as soon as I drank the tea. Next time it might not be me just fucking with your heads.
And the reason why I'm not worried about the three of you? I was never, at any one moment, with the three of you."
With that, Naruto collapsed into a puddle of blood.
Itachi looked at Kisame, Kisame looked at Itachi, before both looked at Zetsu. Kisame was the one to speak.
"Smart brat."
Itachi nodded, answering in his cold, passive tone.
"Yup."
"Really, really smart brat."
"Yup."
"I'll cut off his legs next time."
"I wouldn't stop you. He promised never to mention that incident again."
The other two turned a curious look on Itachi, before Kisame started speaking.
"Itachi, what-"
"If you ask about the incident, I'll use the Tsukyomi on you."
"I didn't say anything."
Like that, the three Akatsuki members left the room, giving up on capturing the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki for now and going for their own separate assignments.
-The next morning-
Sensing for chakra signatures, Naruto found Jiraiya's in the hotel room. Deciding that the coast was clear, he climbed into the room through the window. The white-haired man turned a stern look at him before speaking.
"I thought I told you to stay in the hotel room."
Naruto responded frostily.
"You did."
"And why, pray tell, did you not stay in the room?"
"Maybe it was the fact that while you were out there, traipsing with tramps and cavorting with whores, I had Hoshigaki Kisame, Uchiha Itachi and Zetsu the Cannibal of the Akatsuki paying me a home visit. Probably had something to do with that."
Jiraiya's face changed from angry to panicked at that.
"Naruto, are you okay? Did they do anything to you?"
Sneering at the older man, Naruto answered acidly.
"If you cared about that, you would've been here. Once again, you abandon me to the sharks and then try to play the concerned party."
"Goddamnit Naruto! This is a serious matter! The Akatsuki are very dangerous, their interest in you can only mean danger for the forseeable future! Can't you put your grudge for me aside for a second to ensure your safety?"
Naruto's eyes narrowed at that, his tone becoming sharp even as killing intent started lightly leaking out of him.
"Don't you say that to me you fucking hypocrite! You can't even give up your perversions and your whoring for one week in order to try and save the old man's life! How the fuck can you say that to me with a straight face?"
"Are you saying I don't worry about saving sensei?"
"Your words, not mine. Your actions certainly don't reflect your willingness to help him!"
"What's it to you anyway? Don't you hate the old man now? I'd think you wouldn't care if he di-"
Naruto's punch caught Jiraiya by surprise, though it shouldn't. Naruto's eyes shifted in his anger, the pattern of his sharingan overtaking the iris and intensifying his glare as he spoke.
"DON'T EVER SAY THAT! I may have kept the old man at arm's length for a few months in order to teach him a lesson about trust and honesty, but he is still and always will be my grandfather! That will never change!"
Jiraiya gingerly rubbed his cheek, glaring at Naruto as he spat out a gob of blood before speaking up.
"Why are you so willing to forgive the old man and not me?"
Naruto's face of anger shifted to incredulity at that.
"What. You... What. Please tell me you didn't just say that."
Seeing Jiraiya's pursed lips and closed posture, Naruto moved around the room packing up his things.
"What are you doing, kid?"
"I'm packing. I don't care what you do, you can mark me for insubordination for all I care, but I won't let the old man die."
Naruto finished packing, putting on a black t-shirt with a red spiral in front of it and a pair of white shorts with blue sandals on his feet. Before he could jump out the window, Jiraiya called out.
"Naruto, give me 5 minutes. I'll go with you."
Pursing his lips tightly, Naruto gave him a minute nod.
-3 Days later, Tanzaku Town-
"My contacts say that Tsunade is here in Tanzaku-gai. Aside from the various casinos and bars, the underground scene here is very active."
Naruto nodded at that, his face devoid of emotion.
The two placed down their gear before splitting up to search the town. By the time the sun set, the two met up at the doors of the same bar. It was the last place both decided to check for the night, coincidentally at the same time. Naruto entered ahead, searching for the pigtailed blonde.
"Naruto?"
The voice came from a brunette with neck-long straight hair, her body clad in a black Kimono and a pink pig held in her hands, the pig clad in a red vest with pink pearls around her neck.
She was Kato Shizune, niece of Kato Dan and disciple of Tsunade, the slug sage.
At seeing Shizune, Naruto visibly relaxed, a sigh of relief leaving his mouth as his tensed shoulders slumped in relaxation.
"Shizune-nee, you have no idea how glad I am to find you here. I need to talk to Baa-chan, urgently."
Shizune nodded, directing Naruto towards a booth in the back even as she spoke, Jiraiya listening and asking himself how Naruto knew Shizune and Tsunade.
"Tsunade-Sama asked me to go get the next round at the bar, I was just heading back towards her."
As soon as the booth came into sight, Tsunade's gaze rose to see Naruto, her eyebrows rising to her hairline.
"Didn't expect to meet you here, brat."
After that, her eyes flicked to Jiraiya for an instant, before focusing back on Naruto.
"And you led the pervert straight to me. Perfect."
Naruto shook his head at that.
"He didn't follow me. You know I'm better than that, Baa-chan. No. I intended to come meet you on my own, but the honorable elders decided to turn it into a mission, with Jiraiya as chaperone."
Tsunade's eyes narrowed at that even as she watched Naruto and Jiraiya sliding into the booth across from her. She poured herself and Naruto a saucer of sake each, before she started tipping it back.
"You've been ordered to return to Konoha."
Jiraiya's words caused Tsunade to spit her sake out and it would've reached Naruto had he not used his water element prowess to stop it mid-air, before sending it out the window.
"Hell no! You know why I left, and I'm not setting foot back in there!"
"You don't have a choice. The council signed off on the document stating your sannin travelling rights to have been revoked pending further evaluation. If you don't return, you'll be branded a missing nin."
"LIKE HELL!"
The outraged tone came not from Tsunade, as Jiraiya expected, but from an angrily glaring Naruto.
"These kinds of decisions are to be made with the presence of the entire Shinobi council!"
Jiraiya rolled a parchment open on the table, revealing the order with various clan stamps.
"It was."
Naruto scowled at that.
"It wasn't. The Uzumaki-Namikaze clan wasn't even made aware of the meeting in question. Without the stamp of my clan, that piece of paper isn't worth shit."
Tsunade turned a grateful look on Naruto, who gave her a serious one in response.
"Don't thank me yet, Baa-chan. You're not going to like what I have to say. Your old teammate, pedosnake, crashed the chunnin exams finals and put the old man in a coma. The only medic with enough prowess to save him is you. I need you to stay in the village until he's alright."
Tsunade scowled at that, drinking down another saucer of sake before speaking.
"You better than anyone else should understand why I don't want to set foot back there, Naruto."
Naruto nodded at that.
"I do, and that's why I'm sorry about what I'm about to do. Baa-chan, I'm calling in two favors. One of them is to come back with me to take care of the old man and make sure he's alright, the other one is private, best not discussed in present company."
As he said that he gave Jiraiya a sideways glance, before letting his gaze return to Tsunade.
"After that, what you do is up to yourself. But I can tell you this, I won't stand for letting my possibly last remaining relative gain missing nin status. As long as you don't act against it's best interests, the Uzumaki-Namikaze clan is behind you all the way."
Tsunade took a deep pull directly from the sake bottle, before she eyed Naruto suspiciously.
"When did you get so strong, brat?"
Naruto blinked owlishly at the seemingly random question.
"Excuse me?"
"I asked when you got so strong. Orochimaru came around with this albino young man with two dots on his forehead. His arms were bandaged and he seemed to be in agony over them. Said that a loathsome blonde did it to him. So, how did you do it?"
"Trade secret. So, snake face was here. I doubt he just came for a social chat."
"He didn't. He wants me to heal his arms."
"And what did he offer you in exchange?"
Tsunade swirled around a saucer full of sake, and damn if she wasn't putting them down fast and hard, before raising her serious gaze to Naruto's.
"He promised to bring Dan and Nawaki back."
Naruto shrugged.
"He could bring them back, but he would be doing so to use them as puppets to emotionally blackmail you. It's called 'Edo Tensei' and I've got experience with it. I assure you, you don't want him to do it."
Tsunade shrugged at that.
"Seems like he's gonna be disappointed when he comes back."
"Comes back?"
Tsunade nodded, taking another sip of her saucer before answering.
"He said he'd be here in a week for my answer. Seems he's gonna be waiting on nothing."
A vicious grin spread across Naruto's face at that.
"I wouldn't say that... Tsunade, how do you feel about playing a massive prank on Orochimaru?"
-TBC-
Scene! 1 Day delay because of school-related stuff, but we're still here.
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