I should be happy.

I'm relieved- so beyond relieved that there aren't even words at the knowledge my family are okay. Dumbledore identified the orange spell as one of dark magic that Death Eater's favour…it's one designed to find a person's worse fear and make them live it in a mental "dream state" where if in which I die, I'd die in reality too.

I don't remember what I saw through that spell but Professor Dumbledore and Charlus were able to extract it from my mind to view and it must've been bad because Charlus refuses to let me see it.

I came bursting into Dumbledore's office about 40 minutes ago and am now sat between a Charlus and Dorea while Dumbledore appraises me seriously.

"You realise that the consequences of this decision – both on the people in question and mentally on yourself will be irreversible?" He questions.

I nod, unable to say anything.

The little niggling thought that I had been repressing by shoving into a box and storing in the recesses of my mind has been running through my mind nonstop for the past half an hour.

I knew it would be the right decision when Dominic told me there was a way of making changes to the timeline I'm in.

I knew it was the right decision when I dismissed the idea due to a combination of still needing the information and weak selfishness.

I can't do that anymore.

If things were the other way around and if any one of my friends went missing in a library where they –for their sakes, thankfully- sent me alone at night, I wouldn't be able to cope with the guilt.

And my family, we may not have gotten along but to have no answers about what's happened to me and to question if I'm alive for the rest of their lives… after having dealt with that for the past half a year, I can't make them and my friends go through that forever.

"You can't choose to go through with this lightly, Miss Potter. Is trust you're aware of that?"

"I know. I've thought about it before." I don't look up as I answer. "I don't take this lightly in the least." My voice is barely above a hoarse whisper due to combination of a pounding migraine that's the worst I've had yet, a sore throat from how much I cried last night and the knowledge of what I'm about to do.

"Is someone going to enlighten us as to what you're both talking about?" Charlus asks sharply.

"Charlus." Dorea reprimands quietly before squeezing my hand which she's been holding since she got here. "Mia, is everything alright?" She asks softly.

I don't answer straight away but look at Dumbledore.

This is the right thing to do.

This needs to be my next step.

He nods. No sign of his usual humour twinkling in his blue eyes, today they're solemn and bleak.

"N-no." Is all I can bring myself to respond now that I have confirmation he'll do what I need him to.

At least I'm honest this time.

A brief silence follows my admittance.

"Would you like to talk about it?"

I don't even want to think about it or let it happen, let alone talk about it.

Dumbledore stays quiet, staying out of it for the moment.

"D- do you remember the memory with Dominic, the time travel expert?"

"We do." Dorea confirms.

"A-th-…the bit ab-about making changes to the ti-t-t-timeline I'm from?"

"That either someone or something would have to be sent back to be there and do the things necessary to make the changes they want at the exact moment the timelines split into two futures." She recites.

I nod, trying to swallow the feeling of fear and heartbreak threatening to rise like a tsunami inside me.

"Do you plan on changing something?" Dorea asks when I show no sign of continuing.

I nod again, silently.

It takes over a minute of me inhaling and exhaling shakily before I manage to start telling them.

I need them to know my reasons first before they hear what I'm about to do.

"In the memory I just got back, you all agreed that they ha-hadn't meant to send me back and my- my f-f-family and fr..iends hadn't been hurt." I start. "No matter what, there's going to be a of risk to… the people I love an-and the ones they're targeting…if I do this th-then their plan won't change and certain measures can be put in place to c-catch them after what th…happened to me and before they can h-hurt anyone else. If I can make the Death Eater's forget about me and what they did to me then it'll be better for e-e-everyone there." I stop and take several deep breathes again to try and keep myself together. I feel like I'm crumbling. "Th-there's a spell, I'm not sure how it works but it'd erase the memory of me completely from everyone w-who kn-knew or was connected to m-me. I-I-I want D-Dumbledore t-t-o c-cast it." I finally blurt out.

I don't think that's what they expected at all.

I've spent the last 6 months not knowing if the people I loved, grew up with and cared about were alive… I know what not having answers and the fear of never having them does.

It's psychological torture and I don't want them…any of them to go through that.

I asked my friends to go to the library with me that night and they didn't want to…my going to the library was one of my best friends' ideas because I had forgotten about an essay I needed to hand in – if things were the other way round and I had been one of them who said no or suggest they go down only for them to disappear without a trace…I could never live with myself.

I don't blame them – any of them for a second but I don't want them to feel guilty. I'm not going to be able to go back so what's the use of my parents and brothers wondering every day for the rest of their lives what happened to their daughter and sister? We may not have gotten along but it's not right.

I know they're safe and that'll be enough for me. They don't have that, none of them do and I can't live with myself if I let them hurt like I did knowing there's something I can do.

"It-it's the right thing to do." I conclude.

"Do you realise that while you may erase yourself from their mind, the place you held in their hearts won't be erased?" Dorea asks after a few seconds of stunned silence. "They won't remember you or why they feel as though there's something with them and they'll carry that forever."

"and if I don't they'll carry around questions about someone th-they'll never see again." I whisper in a strained voice. "It's the right thing to do."

Charlus breaks his silence next. "I understand why you want to do this…but we think you should think about it before committing to something you can't-"

"I don't want to do this and I have thought about it." I whisper, my voice doing nothing to conceal my pain. "I've known this is the right thing to do for a while and my mind won't change in a month, year or decade. I know i-it'll hurt a-and I-I know it'll be one the hardest things to come to terms with …b-but it's my choice."

I choose to do this and I don't think I'll ever be able to let them go enough to move on the way I need to if I don't do this.

I can feel the tumult of emotions, pain and fear welling up in me but there's something blocking it from coming to the surface.

I sit still and close my eyes while I fall apart on the inside.

"If we could take the responsibility and pain away from you then we would, in a heartbeat." Charlus tells, putting his hand on my hair. "We support you and we love you. Whatever you decide, just know that you're not alone."

I can't see due to my closed eyes but I assume it's Charlus who lifts me up as though I'm a child, sits back down with me on his lap and hold me close.

"Can I come home please?" I ask burying my head in his chest. "Jus-t for tonight?" I beg trying to keep myself together. "I-I-oh god… I j-just-"

"You don't need to ask, darling." Dorea says softly, still holding on tight to my hand.

"Can we ask that you at least sleep on this decision? If you still feel this way tom-"

"No. I can't dea-deal with m-more guilt. I know the cons…equences and- and I know that as much as this will hurt I'm doing what's in the best interests for them as well as me. I know it's going to be hard. It's going to hurt but this is my choice. I'm not changing it or putting it off."

"Mia, they deserve the right to remember you. I know you didn't always get along with your family but your paren-"

"Lost their daughter the moment she got her Hogwarts letter."

"Lost her every time they sat back and let my brothers call me a freak."

Silence.

"I love them and I suppose they loved me too but it's…it's n-n…" I have to force the next words out. "I-it's n-not worth the guilt if I d-don't do this. I'm no-not her. I'm M-Mia."

It's not a nice but it's the truth.

"Pl-please don't try and change my mind. I-I wa-want your support but I'll do it with or without it."

"But-"

"Charlus." Dorea butts in gently. "She's made her mind up, we need to respect that and have enough faith in her to know that she wouldn't make a decision like this on a whim."

I'll feel thankful for that at some point.

Maybe.

"We all want what's best for the ones we care about." Professor Dumbledore adds in quietly. "There are certain measures and preparations that need to be taken before the spell is cast, perhaps if Mia here were to accompany you home while Professor McGonagall and I do that and by the time you come back we can either go ahead with the plan or not?"

I know about the measures and preparations – a potion needs to be made that is very complex and requires 22 minutes, 27 seconds and 103 ingredients – including my DNA - to go in at the exact right time, in the exact amount in the exact order, me to drink it while two people – hence the need for Professor McGonagall – to carry out a series of spells. If the potions works successfully then the minds of everyone whose life I impacted will be modified so that while everything around them and their mind set stay the same – they just won't remember me.

I was prepared for this but am not willing to have my mind changed – it'd be too easy to persuade me to be selfish.

I can't do that.

"No…I'll stay." I move back to the seat.

"Mia-"

"I'm staying here." I don't look at anyone, instead I keep my eyes on Dumbledore's desk.

Please don't try and change my mind. Please just let me be able to do this one thing right. I think desperately.

"Mia-"

"Stop. Please." I beg thickly, still not looking anywhere but the desk and wrapping my arms around myself. "I know what I'm doing and I know every side to the argument against it and more than anything I want to be selfish but I can't." My words come out strained again, I can feel the emotions stuck in my throat – neither willing to let themselves out or go back down…I struggle to get my words out around it. "Please don't make me change my mind because if I do I'll feel guilty for the rest of my life…even if I do regret this I'll know I at least tried to put them first. Please, please just leave this be."

No one does or says anything for several moments until Charlus simply takes hold of my other hand. "I'm not convinced about the decision but I trust you."

I still don't move.

There's no release for my emotions.

"I do believe James has reached his tolerance for patience." Dumbledore states.

Dorea sighs. "He's on his way up?"

"He's attempting to get past the gargoyle as we speak."

"I'll go talk to him. I'll tell him that we're talking you home for a while because something's happened that you need time to process before seeing everyone, if that's okay?" Charlus asks and waits for my nod before he kisses me on the top of my head, releasing my hand and leaving the room. I want him to come back before he's even gone.

"He'll be back." Dorea reassures, stroking my hair.

"I believe I should go and see Minerva and explain the situation." Dumbledore says vaguely before leaving the room too.

"Mia…you know that you're not alone, right?" Dorea tells me softly.

I listen but don't reply.

It feels as though I am.

What if they leave me too?

I nod.

"We're here for you. We love you." She tells me.

"How am I supposed to cope with this?" I ask, weakly. "I've been struggling with ev- everything else….how do I – how…am I supposed to…" I turn to look at her, eyes watering. "I have to do this but I don't know how to deal with it."

I have to get the words out, I don't know how to even begin dealing with this on top of everything else.

I've never thought much of myself and have never thought I was irreplaceable to the people in my life…but now I'll be nothing to everyone who was and will always be something to me.

"By remembering all the reasons you made the decision and knowing no matter what you still have people who love you."

I take her words in.

It sounds so easy.

"Also by talking to someone – whether it's us, James, the boys, Lil or any other friend you've made. By letting someone know when you're struggling so that we can be there for you as much you need."

"We love you. You'd always be there for the people you care about, am I correct?" Dorea asks.

When I nod again she smiles softly and moves her hand up to cup my cheek. "And we'll always be here for the people we care about."

"Oh."

"I know you're upset at him right now but that includes James as well. He cares about you so much." Dorea adds.

I doubt that.

"I won't push it for now, you'll find out soon enough." She tells me.

Despite the tears and my obvious anxiety, none of the deeper emotions allow themselves to be unstuck from my throat.

We lapse back into silence but this time cling onto her hand and rest my head on her shoulder while I go back to staring blankly at Dumbledore's desk, desperate for the physical reassurance that I'm not alone. In return she continues to hold my hand tight and rhythmically strokes my hair.

It doesn't calm me down.

It doesn't make me feel less hurt, terrified, overwhelmed, guilty or anything else.

But it does reassure me that I'm not alone.

Will everyone's lives go on the same without me or is Dorea right and they'll feel the absence, even though they don't know what of?

Do I still have a brother in more than just name?

Did I ever?

Will they be better off and happier around me than if I was able to go back?

Is he sorry for what he said or does he mean it?

Is what I mean to Dorea, Charlus and everyone here enough?

My questions unstick themselves and flood through my mind one by one, each one without answers or hints.

"Mia?" Charlus's voice calls my attention.

"Yeah?"

"James would like to see you. He said it's alright if you want to wait or if you're still angry at him because he knows how out of order he was but he saw you run down through the common room and just wants some reassurance that you're okay."

I don't reply for a moment because it takes me more time than it should for me to realise that James must have been in the common room when I ran through to tell Dumbledore about the memory that had just come back to me.

"Tell him I'm…fine. I'll see him when I'm back."

"I think h – James I told you to wait outside." Charlus says sternly.

"She's my sister." James responds. "Mia?"

His voice sounds close but I don't move to look at him.

I want to. I want to forget everything but I don't know where I stand with him.

He basically told me I wasn't worth his energy...right now when more than anything I just want to forget the argument but…I can't.

"Yeah?"

"Is ev- are you okay?" He asks tentatively, kneeling down just to the side of me, in front of Dorea.

"Yeah."

"Mia?" He starts again.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

It's not okay.

Not in the least but my brain and emotions are at their limit right now.

"No it's not, I shouldn't hav-"

"James, not right now." Dorea whispers.

"Mia?"

…

"Yeah?"

"I got- I didn't mean what I said but we'll talk about what a prick I wa- am later. Are you alright?"

"Yeah."

"Liar. Something's happened, that's why you look all in shock and numb and stuff."

I do?

"Is it really bad?" He asks gently.

For me? Yes.

For them? No.

"James. She'll talk to you in her own time." Charlus tells him, walking back over and standing by him.

"Lily wanted to come up too. She said it was to make sure I don't put my foot in it and make things worse but she's worried about you as well." James tells me softly. "Remy and the boys too."

Remy's my name for Remus when I want to annoy him.

Right now I couldn't even tell you how or why I started that.

"Are they outside as well, James?" Dorea asks.

"Yeah, they're worried. Adrian, Devon, Daryl, Rik and April were going to come as well but they didn't want to crowd you." James directs the last part to me.

"Oh." My gaze goes back to its original place. "I got the last memory back."

"Is that what's upset you?"

"No."

"Oh." This time the infernal word comes from James.

The office door opens again and closes a moment later.

"James, Mia will be back soon but we need you- all of you to go back to the common room." Charlus says sternly, his eyes flickering to a point by the entrance.

"Do you want me to stay?" James asks me. "I'll come home too. Anything."

Yes.

I want him to.

I shake my head.

He has quidditch practise.

"If you need anything- literally anything then use this." James says pressing something cold and flat into my hands before hugging me, kissing me on the forehead, telling me "I am really, really sorry" and leaving the room.

"Albus has started creating the potion." Professor McGonagall tells us. "Miss Potter, I trust you're sure about th-"

"Yes. I'm sure." I cut her off.

"I see." Her perpetually disapproving tone makes it difficult to tell what she thinks of my decision.

Not that I care either way.

"He started little over 8 minutes ago and said he'd come straight up once he was done. I'm going to start the spells that need to be put on you prior to you drinking the potion. Are you ready to begin?"

No.

No.

Not at all.

"Yes."

"Okay, you don't need to move from the chair or do anything for this but Dorea and Charlus I'm afraid you'll have to move to the other side of the room."

With several assurances, words of affection and one more kiss on the top of my head from each of them, they go to where McGonagall points.

She looks at me consideringly. "You can change your mind at any point up until you take the potion." She says, noting my refusal to acknowledge her words before she starts a series of intricate and complicated wand movements.

I simply close my eyes as the feeling of being drawn into a bubble and my insides filling with thick, cold mud overwhelms my senses.

As my panic mounts, I remind myself of why I'm doing this.

Remember the fear for their lives? You'll never have to face that again because they'll be safe.

They won't be left wondering where you went and if you're even alive.

You're going to have to move on from them if you want to be able to cope with everything…it's only fair that they get to move on from me too.

This is the next step to accepting there's no way back and dealing with it.

You won't feel guilty and be thinking about their unanswered question every time you're nice to or make a bond with someone here…or at least it won't be as bad.

"Mia, you need to open your eyes, take out your wand and repeat my wand movements – they're not too complicated but if you make a mistake we'll have to start over." McGonagall tells me, her voice almost gentle.

I manage to copy the wand movements easy enough as Moody and the twins often have me do things like it during our sessions and lapse back into my self-assurances that I can't be selfish.

Professor McGonagall warns me not to move just before Dumbledore walks back in with a steaming goblet.

It looks too hot to drink.

It must be drank in exactly 57 seconds, when I ask you to, you must dip your finger in the goblet which will transfer your DNA, drink exactly half – you'll know when you hit the half way mark, then you keep a hold of the goblet, stay still until we complete the final wand movements and then finish the goblet. Now before it's too late, are you sure?" Dumbledore asks me, seriously.

"Yes." Is all I reply.

"Very well. Dip your finger in and drink half."

I do not noticing my mouth burning and stop when a charm prevents me from drinking anymore. Standing stock still as a feeling of ice cold washed over me. Both Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore wordlessly wave, point, direct and manipulate a bunch of swirling, grey mist around me.

I don't move, even when memories start flashing through my head.

Happy ones.

Random ones.

Sad ones.

Ones long I'd forgotten.

I stay still and even as tears roll down my face, blink to keep my sight unobscured. I don't know whether it's an unknown part of the spell or just my own masochistic mind but images of me in memories, my reflection in peoples' eyes, the mirror and my presence in photos all dim and fade into nothing.

Eventually Dumbledore looks at me meaningfully and he and McGonagall stop the wand sequence a moment after and I drink from the goblet both hoping that they didn't stop because there was a lull in the sequence and hoping they did and I got it wrong and the spell wouldn't work… but the second thought's from my selfish side.

Once I swallow the last sip the cold feeling becomes more bone deep as the mist swirls around and covers my entire body. Every cell of my body inside and out is ice cold and then switches straight to scorching hot…there's not in between and the mist around me seeps into my body.

I can feel it sweeping through my veins –it takes the extreme temperature away and it feels horrible but is over quickly.

Then nothing.

The blackness scares me for a moment and I can hear Charlus and Dorea but it feels fuzzy and out of tune…like listening to a staticy radio broadcast and then all of a sudden my hearing's clear again and I realise my eyes are closed.

The headmaster's voice is the first one I hear. "- just coming around from the after effects of the potion now."

I open my eyes cautiously, expecting dizziness, nausea or something of the sort but I'm fine…as though it was all a product of my imagination while I briefly closed my eyes and I suddenly feel unsure.

Did that really just happen?

The emotions are still raging inside which is a clear indication.

But… maybe…

I look to Charlus and Dorea who are watching me nervously, Professor McGonagall looks uncharacteristically concerned and then finally to Professor Dumbledore who's just watching.

"Did tha- is…is it done?"

"Yes. Your birth family and everyone you've known or met in that timeline now has no recollection of you."

…

"Oh."

It's at that point that the barrier separating my emotions from my physical reactions caves in and I fall apart in Dumbledore's office.